Letting Go, Looking Up

I’ve been reflecting lately on my children’s growing-up years. How I longed to be the “perfect” mother, something I eventually learned was an illusion.

Letting Go, Looking Up
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash.com)
  • I tried to keep my children from harm, but they have been hurt.
  • I hoped they would enjoy life, but they have suffered.
  • I wanted to kiss their “boo-boos” away, watch the children play, and hear them say life was great.

As a mother, I tried to protect them from the pain of real life.

But the authentic truth is that accepting life as it is—embracing reality—is foundational to how we experience life.

The Truth about Reality

Notice I didn’t say that reality is easy-breezy. It can be awfully painful at times. However, as you choose to face the truth and embrace it, God gives you back what your soul is seeking: freedom, wisdom, knowledge, peace, understanding, and hope.

Again, it’s a daunting task. Here are the words of one author who finally decided to give up addictions, denial, idealism, and running from grief. Finally, she accepted life as it was. She wrote:

Whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won’t hold up forever, and if you are . . . brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination.1Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith (New York: Pantheon, 1999), 72–73.

I would assume your experiences have been similar to mine: a mixed milieu of difficulties and delights, hurting and healing, indifference and acceptance, hopelessness and hope, frustration and freedom, and much more.

Softness and Illumination

Notice in the quote above that accepting reality and experiencing our grief result in softness and illumination. I take softness to mean a humbled soul at peace and illumination to mean clarity of strength and purpose. Born from real pain and real healing, those two qualities are priceless.

But two character flaws also come to light during times of suffering and grief: pride and selfishness. The following verses address our humble position before Christ and His work of restoration in us.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. . . . And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. (1 Peter 5:6, 10 NIV)

Question: How have the inescapable parts of life given you blessings in disguise? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Notes:   [ + ]

1. Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith (New York: Pantheon, 1999), 72–73.
  • RohnaH

    Hi Colleen – thank you for sharing an insightful post. Grief definitely has been a part of my journey with two sons on the autism spectrum. My youngest, Andrew – age 7, has no verbal communication as of now. The smallest of messages, such as “I want a drink” or “I’m hungry for popcorn,” take the form of him pushing my hand toward what he wants. He uses a communication device, takes speech therapy three times a week, and while his therapist assures me he is making progress, there are days when the whole thing is just so overwhelming. Like a mountain I can’t climb, there it is.

    But also overshadowing me is the One who MADE those mountains (yes, I lifted this from a song and I’d give the title but I can’t remember it!). Blessings do come in disguise (thank you, Laura Story). Without Andrew’s struggle, I would never have come in contact with some of the best teachers, therapists, and friends around. Without the struggle I’ve had in continuing to deal with grief and disappointment, I probably never would have been brought to my knees in complete dependence on the Lord and the people He’s brought into my life. I wouldn’t have treasured up the moments Andrew puts both hands on my face and looks straight into my eyes with his. Those times of silence say as much as words ever could.

    • Rohna,
      I could not read your note without wiping away tears….tears of understanding, sorrow, wishing, longing, knowing….and trusting that in the whole big picture, God is at work. Yes, we would not have imagined where we would have to go…doctor’s, therapist’s, specialists, blogs, and new friends…nor the depth of our learning that would happen as we join the ranks of those most choose to look beyond. How I appreciate your deep and tender thoughts, your perspective, and your words of truth. Thanks so much for writing; it’s always a joy to connect with you. Colleen

  • David Glover

    Brilliant – as always! I love your perspective and your writing – and you and your family, too!

    • David,
      As always, it is fantastic to hear from you. I know you have relocated…Toban and I pray for you all often. How is the new place coming along? What a courageous choice; we pray it is exactly what you all needed to heal and have the Lord’s hand continue to guide your life. Hello to your wonderful wife and it’s a joy to connect. Blessings always, Colleen

  • Carolyn Cantrell

    Colleen, once again, you provide comfort and relief. I pray that those two hopeful “seeds” will spring up in abundant return. <3

    • Carolyn,
      So good to hear from you. My apologies for the delay in responding…having back surgery and recovery takes a lot longer than I expected. I love the word you used… “abundant”…it always brings to mind an overflowing basket of goodies…just what the Lord promises to us. That His love and goodness to us is “ABUNDANT”. I pray you experience His comfort and care in that way! Thanks for your kind note and let’s stay in touch. Colleen

  • Ann Holmes

    So true, so wise, so real!

  • Sandra

    It is always a great joy reading your writing Colleen. So fulfilling to read today. Thank You for sharing such honesty in truth and reality, touching me so deeply with the very real connection to my very soul, and at so many levels really of truth and reality. the author quote, from one who knows what it means to cry to the depths of ones soul for so long,with softness and illumination as beautiful and incredible reminder today and how it is all so much part of coming to where God calling to ultimate peace and closeness with Him., keeping all in perspective today,seeing this truth and reality with every passing day more than ever, making sense of it all at this very moment with these thoughts along with the verse of 1 Peter, 5:6, 10 ,
    Thank you for sharing,and I do hope that you are well today.I continue to keep you in thought and prayer.
    With a full heart and best regards,
    Sandra

    • Sandra,
      As always, it’s a pure delight to hear from you! There is something very comforting about hearing the words “softness and illumination”…and that is exactly what I see in you. Your a woman filled with such grace, tenderness, soul care, illumination, intuition, and purity. It continues to be a joy to know you and call you my friend. Have a beautiful day! Colleen

      • Sandra

        Hi Colleen. Honestly you are the greatest woman I know. The kindness of heart through and through. Thank you for these thoughts. I keep looking at how you have described me and brought tears to my eyes. In good way. I am learning who I am and most of all the love of Jesus teaching me how to so love myself and beginning to identify my character. illuminating is the most amazing wordi so much wish to glow as Jesus….from within outward .yes the most comforting word and image imaginable to me. I see Jesus as illuminating and I believe all if us connected closely to Him resonate this quality. There is so much for for my awareness to grow but I believe this wholeheartedly. The fullness of this illumination waiting in eternal life. We just get a glimpse of what this means. I also think of when you say this the beauty of the lights on your table tree kept in your home. I wish to live the same way…to illuminate my surroundings with what defines that exact softness visually and spiritually warming our souls that His Light all around us in this spirit of living. How calming. Thank you Colleen for treasured thoughts .
        much love.
        Sandra

        • Sandra,
          You are welcome. This is a special season for you…someday, God will use you and all you have learned through this to bring hope to others. Just keep the course and let’s see what He does. I’m happy for you. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen.I understand you may not connect until next week. I am holding onto my faith today with what feels like fingers loosing my strength of grip on that knot of boitom of rope. I just need a good cry and I will continue onward and absolutely know Jesus going take His hands over my own and keep me in His embrace of gentle kindness. It is only He that is so perfect.in that I mean the friend I have forgiven I needed to block email and calls/text. I still get beyond something he wrote all because I chose not in my best care to respond to one of his emails filled with offense and beginning another munipulation and attacking me and my dr. in his email with my not having responded. What he said us filled with so not knowing me after so many years.he slammed me for being selfish to not reply “just like my family”. If anyone knows me that is about the most hurtful thing anyone can say to me and knowing me would know how many years of a lifetime I am continously aware of self and making every last effort to bare knuckles at a bottom of a rope kind of way having worked diligently and as my sole purpose to change any dysfunction learned and to let go of so much in order to be certain I do not repeat any behavior that may be hidden. I am told I am black sheep not like my family as if wrong baby taken from hospital but I still alwsys have looked deeply to be sure I do not carry anything that has been so painful for me. and if something there found I work to change it as that I wish for my own wellness in myself and relations. And this relationship proves not well for the lackung truth and reality overall. As long as I tried not to block this is a time necessary.
            Best regards
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, There is a thought I wish to share that may help someone else in awareness of what is acceptable whether being treated as client or client and friend, for me this is a level of awareness that I was without for many years and I am grateful for being able to have learned from this teacher in my life that his behavior was wrong in many ways during a time I was most vulnerable and trusting in process of my healing. I let this person into my life and trusted this individual with my life, what i did not know i am aware today with the amount of time and effort I have chosen to face truth and reality in my own healing. I am still overwhelmed with new awareness as being someone whose life history was surrounded with those that took advantage in every way ,those I did attract without healthy boundaries that mimic this history i simply was not aware until recently. I know you understand the emotional process and how much it hurts,saddens, has been exhaustng for me physically from the emotional “fight” to move forward out of this relation I speaking of. In the end I do hope and leave with God for this indivdual to seek help and hear the truth and reality of Him by His calling. I know wholeheartedly that my dr/phsychologist has been one of the greatest gifts for my growth and healing, and anyone who continously puts her down to pull me toward them and to continue to hurt me and then blame me for their sick actions that escalate to more emotional harm is not someone I will want to be near nor that has any idea of how good my dr has been for me and my growth and truest care of me and my learning to take better care of myself by listening to my vulnerability and so much more in healing self. I am sharing this for maybe can help someone for greater awareness especially when someone healing has not come as far to know that although an individual may be great at massage/Reiki treatment and any other type of therapeutic treatment, it is my thought to say all this to bring forth the ways to be so very careful of how you are being spoken to, persuaded,controlled by dominating actions,and where boundaries feel just not right! if in position without a guardian or so fragile that authority figure assume is correct. I recall listening to a cd of your Mom and a life experience she had with drs in her story. I understand it even with greater clarity at this moment. so many other ways to be on alert of red flags during times of vulnerability that are mentioned on this link provided below. Maybe I can help someone else at that stage of when i was just opening to heal but not yet having all the faculties or senses of self with healthy boundaries or knowing how to take good and better care of me in healing process. Being aware is all i can offer.

            There may be numerous other Christian resources available that i am unaware.I had just come across this below,although it gives the idea of what i speaking of, I am unfamiliar with the source. I will be looking further at Grace Alliance this week.
            Best regards,
            Sandra
            http://website.lineone.net/~vex/How%20Therapists%20Abuse.htm

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, okay we will over time have greater insight in regard to scripture and whether any mention to sound healing.
            I hope you are well today and have a restful weekend with moments of fulfillment and joy. I am keeping an eye on some light ice on trees here, never know what these storms bring until the temperatures settle and confirm or validate the degree of icing. so far cold rain, yet temps just on freezing mark and slightly below. It will be a good 24 hours .
            I am slightly frustrated today,I guess being indoors today with storm, although the new strength is keeping me grounded and able to cope better, and not dwell on to point of wasted energy, for to let it go as I have learned,and PRAY ALOT,yet it has been so long that it in waiting with the house repairs,it does create a helpless sense of self, but I completely TRUST in our Lord, so I am letting go and moving onto what I can do here. I will share what irks me today, as I mentioned there is one new contracter I am waiting his return with brother so he can fulfill a clear quote( I had spoken to you about), but the issue today has been the one contracter/builder who has answered his phone and happily clarified what on his quote and what missing is at least DOUBLE the cost of what the insurance adjuster told me is reasonable and correct for this work with chimney flashing/firewall replace wood. I spoke to him today and now alot is not included in his double the cost estimate, so it would take me more than double the cost to fulfill the needs and done correctly in thoroughness, I guess my intuition is telling me this still is not who supposed to work with, although he has integrity a plus ,his prices are simply too high. I was told that by who recommended him to me with good reputation as honest,but pricey. Although I realize work would be done correctly is what pulling at me, yet I truly need let this go, no matter how long I have waited, if my intuition is telling me that our Lord knows and He will send the individual that is suited for me by all these needs I mention, He will provide,and I will continue be patient. Just maybe this new contracter I waiting for him and brother to come back to quote, that man is a Minister? jsut maybe it is his working with me that suitable with my and my house needs fully.
            So many good thoughts your way, and I will focus on what I am able, caulking inside cabinets and refreshing the inside with paint as has been a work in progress but I can do that.
            I will connect soon,
            Take good care today and this weekend, if you would like I will mail to your office at Insight for Living some little flyers I picked up for my education of accupuncture, I came across one on neck pain, with mention of chronic changes and pain in neck/vertibrae, it is very interesting,and it gives information of how accupuncture works.
            With love and care
            Sand .

          • Hello beautiful lady!
            How are you today? I just ran across your note and realized I didn’t reply. I pray you are better today and that you were kept safe from the horrid blizzard last weekend. How is the acupuncture coming along? I’ve not heard from the volunteer rep yet but hoping to soon. Have a lovely day my friend. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Hoping you are well and staying comfortable by you there. I am doing all the work and seeing results within myself,yet I come to these moments where I absolutely do not understand what God wants me to do, in mostly right now in regard to this house,and the continued challenges to get the help with highest degree of integrity and quality and fair affordable cost. I just do not get it. The painter contracter who came out yesterday is working up quote and in meantime i went to one of his jobs to see the house he redoing all wall and trim and flooring. My eye was surprised as he seems to have alot of work,although I could see trim not pieced together evenly,and the nail holes not filled in nor the separation of trim (specifically chairrailing) and the painting around door trim on wall was uneven and bumpy in places that was not prepped smoothly. This is not someone I would hire, and I am grateful that God did have me directed to see before i hired this individual to do my work. I waiting on this other contracter who is a Minister and has painting/contracter business,and I am going to wait for his connection and see if I too can see his work in house he had mentioned locally he and brother worked on completely. This man says he is able to do both exterior leak and living room restoration of where leak is…..
            And I am trying to connect with my attorney as there has been a communication breakdown and he has not followed through after several months now of what he agreed help me with.
            These are the challenges of late, that i guess I had put aside for my wellness priority and returning to these there seems to be a better place i coming from yet still great challenges, I simply praying and surrendering all this for some time,waiting for the answer or individual to be guided to me by God to help bring all this together,and not making any sense at moment. I thought I was not trying to do all alone but surrender to God and listen and hear what steps, so maybe this seeing work not very well done was part of His guidance,and I need pay very close attention to who he is opening up to me further from this point.
            May this week bring some solid answers, in meantime I have the good of volunteer application out there, and maybe will all smooth out with that committement away from house and remove self awhile for good solid purpose.
            Many Blessings your way today and into the weekend, here supposed to be up to 65-70 degrees weekend and through week so I will be finding my way to walk and continue work at grounding to Earth and staying positive in mind and heart and do what i can to listen with clarity very next steps.
            Love and care
            Sand

      • Sand

        Hello Colleen, I am hoping that you will be comfortable today andthis weekend with a better weekend without severe weather and recent tornado warnings in so many places.

        I have gone back to this part of your thought,and writing, and I wish to ask for you to expand for my exact understanding specific to selfishness. For in my grave process of greiving so much, a mother, a family, and those i believed were of friendship, I have been called selfish. This is one of the most hurtful things I did hear as I know wholeheartedly I am folllowing God and His divine purpose for me and it is all for my better health and wellness to have let go of those i have learned being toxic and dysfunction in one way relationships where no one would work with me on the “Truth and Reality” to move forward as in “together” process of healing. I have forgiven although there has not been any one to ask for forgiveness in real truth of matter calling me selfish in the space and time as I have heard in my calling to take for my healing to proceed forward toward the Highest point of Love and now committment to God. Can you tell me if that is what the pride and selfishness relates to? and if you can share greater meaning for my understanding if it means something different than my perception.
        “But two character flaws also come to light during times of suffering and grief: pride and selfishness. The following verses address our humble position before Christ and His work of restoration in us. – See more at: http://specialneeds.iflblog.com/2015/05/letting-go-looking-up-2/#comment-2020495892
        With best regards,
        Sandra

  • Sandra,
    What a great thought…on the healing process. So often, we feel we are loosing so much that it is easy to appear “selfish”; the reality is that everything seems to be falling through our fingers and we are clinging to whatever is life. It’s not selfish at all, it’s trying to preserve any part of life that we can. The other…pride…yes, that one is a nasty bugger to recognize. It can look like self-sufficiency, isolation, refusing help, independence, “I’m okay” kind of attitude. When really, just a little helping hand would make things so much better. Here’s a great example…I was in so much pain following my surgery and they had to saw off bone material from my iliac crest (top of my pelvic girdle) during the surgery. 10 days after surgery, I was unable to move my legs and it took 15 min to ask for help from my sweet hubby who was laying on our bed, waiting for me to ask for help at any time. The fact that it took 15 min is crazy…when I asked for help FINALLY, he was sweet and quick to come to my aid. I finally told him it took 15 min for me to ask…just because I wanted to do it myself until I realized I couldn’t even move my legs. Crazy, isn’t it. So yes, suffering reveals our issues and needs which is a great thing…what we choose to do with that is up to us and between us and God. Great insight. Colleen

    • Sandra

      Hello Colleen, I am glad for you that it may be next week that you can drive and get out a bit more and move gradually toward a routine that even though less than accustomed will feel good and another step forward in healing these bones.
      It is as if you had two surgeries really, to gather bone and the main surgery. this takes time as so deep our bones are and nerves and tissue all around, so it will take good tiny steps to build your strength and letting inside heal naturally.
      The story is ever so tender and sweet ,your example of how you waited the fifteen minutes and your husband so lovingly was waiting to be there for you and how he was there in his response and how you both connected and bonded in that time so gracefully. It is great to have someone you can trust to take good care of you,and I am so happy to hear that kind of love you are surrounded there,that is a great Blessing. I understand that which you experienced in waiting. I wonder if I have had so many times here that i truly needed hands to help what i not able to do because of this learning to reach out,even when i feel so vulnerable.
      I do hope that your legs are having more feeling and that is healed. I think I understand the selfish part, not that i am incorrect in some selfish way in grieving as you say just holding on to life and taking care of me during a time of grieving there is not much left to offer when one so weary and processing own grief. I think what you are saying is when it involves letting go of someone and our grief can appear selfish? Sorry i get confused so easily when i over think something.
      I did want to share that i needed to block that friend email, it was taking away my peace again with toxic things being said .just like psychotic personality that when it hits it is like I am not going to step into that again. I realized he was beginning munipulate me to commit to his Reiki and take me away from my dr committment. he accused me of being selfish to not have responded to his email….so i needed not take any blame for someone indignent and narcistic at times,so i blocked email .
      Also yes the driving the car is a good example also. It reminded me immediately of a saying my dr. gave me, i may have written to you of this in past, here it is again.
      “With Love
      I can acknowledge my feeling without being overtaken by them
      I can hold my heart lovingly and nurturingly
      I can be free” Unknown
      My dr gave this to me for the same idea you speak of as driver Colleen, that I do can learn to feel and sit with what i am feeling and it be okay,and to love myself and be important to myself and even if the feelings of sadness or strong emotion that they do not overtake me.
      I seem to notice the change in that i go to Jesus more often,He is right there of greatest Light and I believe i begin to feel His warmth of Loving Light as if He sending it to me right in that space that i have acknowledged He is with me and it being so much what i need.
      SO much Love and Peace,
      Sandra

      • My dear Sandra,
        I am so sorry to be just getting to my notes…and back to you. I think there are several in my inbox but wanted you to know I will get caught up here eventually. You are right…it’s like I had more than one surgery…to be cut into from the tummy and the back, to move bone and put in metal…it’s all been a lot. And my son has had a minor surgery on his feet so we have lived in hospitals lately. However, my thoughts are never far away from you and how you are doing. It sounds like you are continuing to make wise, strong choices for your well being and growth…I am so very proud of you. You are writing from a place of greater strength…it sounds like that in your ‘tone’…what incredible growth you have made in such a short time. I always have to remember…it took me ______ years to get here, it may take longer than I prefer to get to where I want to be. But from the outside, I see amazing growth, awareness, and clarity so stay the course. God has a great plan for you and it’s unfolding in a wonderful way. I will catch up on your notes through the weekend. Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, Thank you for your kind thoughts. I am so sorry that you are going through another surgery ,this time of your son and in hospitals lately just when you have just come from and in recovery of your own surgery. Thank you for thinking of me in the midst of these delicate situations by you and your family. I will keep you and your son recovery in my prayer with abundant Blessings and comfort during this time.
          Thank you Colleen for noticing that what you hear is positive for me. I seem to wait on my dr appt visit, it will be end of this week now and I so much wished it had been scheduled soomer, so next time I will arrange an appt mid month, and see if that works better than looking at a full month calendar and anticipating for last of weeks appt. I cannot afford more than one appt a month,so if this works with what seems like will be less aniticpation . I am believing God plan is just on other side of my doorway. I am feeling like things are aligning more for what is to come in order for house repairs, there seems to be a greater plan maybe coming in order. I will keep you informed with the investigation for repairs ,and I did find the contracter from x husband friend of his previous work place,and this will be the individual i will contract with once i see the investigation settlement as intended. This contracter most thorough, spent the longest time in assessing overall rotten wood situations and I was referrred for he being most honest and doing what is right. So far he did follow up with quote as i asked and I know God has aligned this quote for my submitting it as third and final quote for the investiagtor of state regulation.
          I have been very fatigued and essentially know it is all from stress hormone and coritsol probably on rise as gained a little more weight and having a time functioning as would like with boost of energy. All this will work its way forward . As I so much am feeling a day trip to beach is so much needed,just to sit and fall into chair and let body go limp and absorb energy of sand,and water,and sunshine comfortable day. I had not been to beach literally to sand at ocean side to walk or sit a while for over 4 years,so i will do this soon. Then i have multiple projects ,sanding some walls and continue caulking and painting inside more cabinets . I had nto the energy but to want to know what play and fun were instead and not yet finding a way to connect in order to expereince this without being solo. I know as you say God has a plan,and I know He will be bringing the most trustworthy, highest level of integrity and highest point of love of relations my way.
          Thank you for recongnizing my growth and so happy to hear from you and connect and letting me know how you are doing and I know you will understand the time in hospitals as a similar being diverted away from what is relaxing and wholesome and well as I with my house with an unsettling amount of repairs and breathing in mold ,no real cozy furntiture. I know not like surgery at all but I can relate to what keeps us sometimes away from what the most comfortable space is and the most settling of circumstances. All this will find its balance and for a reason we may know later how for you how much I hope for comfort soon and for your son. Being in the place that you can walk outside and be in a place of your own to unwind, see the tree lit in kitchen and know you will be there all evening not needing to make any trips for a time out on roadways. just be awhile in peace at home. I pray this will be for you and your family this weekend. Many Blessings,and Love and Peace
          Sandra
          PS I did mail the package i had promised from Christmas photos of front porch,cat, Christmas decor, I am hoping you receive soon,something for you to look forward to.That is what I believe,it was delayed for a time because this is the time it will be more special for you to receive and have that to look through ,knowing you are being thought of.
          Love Sandra

          • Sandra,
            Your note was like a huge breath of fresh air into my lungs tonight. Feeling like the healing process is taking it’s toll on my physical self, it has affected my emotional self as well. The restrictions on physical exercise and activity are so many, that along with fatigue and low thyroid, I have gained some unwanted weight which bothers me to no end. To read your words of sitting on the coast, falling into a chair and hearing the sounds of the seaside rang like soft music to my ears. I hope you can escape to the coast as soon as possible. I grew up in Southern California, and just last night told my husband I never imagined I would be far from the coast. Here we are in Texas, locked by land all around, I am envious of your freedom to hear the sounds and feel the refreshment of the seaside. Oh how you must need it. I will say, who would have ever guessed this home would cause you so much trouble?????? I know neither of us know what God is up to but it’s something good. Like I mentioned in my earlier note, just to know you got away from the one who was bringing you down and taking advantage of your emotional needs…perhaps that is why this place was provided as a way of escape. I have to say as well, I KNOW your spirit touches lives and to know several have already said they notice an honesty and authenticity within you only confirms the truth that God is with you and caring for you even when it seems like He is not. He sometimes allows us to endure what we hate to accomplish what only He could do through our dire circumstances…it seems that is part of your journey so keep trusting and following Him with your whole spirit and self. There is HUGE, tremendous, unbelievable growth in you…you may not be able to recognize it or see it but the strength and solid voice you have now was not present a year ago. You seem much more equipped to handle difficulties, struggles, and the unexpected as well as able to tolerate distress with greater balance than ever. If there were a growth chart on your wall…like one I would measure my kids with as they grew up in our old laundry room, I would find this past year as one of growth in feet, not inches. But, since our soul does not measure growth the same way, just know it is clear that you are becoming a woman of dignity and strength that is given only when we pass through those deep waters of sorrow and grief, clinging to our Savior for life, and He brings us through triumphantly. May you continue to follow Him, cling to Him; and may He continue to sustain you in every way. Colleen

          • Sand

            Goodmorning Colleen, I love the growth chart that you had for your children, I imagine stored away in a chest somewhere to remember the precious inches in development with loving care to look back so wonderful and fulfilling.
            Thank you for the encouragement of growing in feet! instead of inches,wow.I so grateful too for our connection and for your loving kindness in all your thoughts shared,your comfort and listening as i dig out of a friendship that was so unhealthy and how well you see and understand me and our similarity of how the beach restores each of us when there . Do you know I too going to have my bedroom painted a soft tan/peach and use the ocean colors of lite teal and soft blues…..like your daughter wedding i realized, wanted to tell you, i saw photo in magazine and love bringing in the soft very lite peach .beautiful. Are there any magazine that you enjoy , I just thought the Library here has a few boxes where people donate magazines and that is a small trip idea where you can have free magazines and look at the decorating ideas. and color visually you will enjoy as I know you very much like me with color and creative photos like pineterest? magazines sometimes easier as you will not need sit by computer, and can flip pages and enjoy some peaceful moments dreaming what you will do when you are able again. I so wish I had a sewing machine. I think to make pillows would be a joy for my front porch even,the chairs,no need for pattern,jsut country sewing!
            I so much smiled in that i feel it as well with what you said, imagine what growing literally feet at a time feel like and that is how i too feel. No wonder we feel this way, my growth and your surgery to transform you physically both still all both being led to Higher ground through these times of enduring discomfort yet growth of enormous change as a whole through it all.
            I relate so well to what you are experinecing with fatigue and yes the weight gain bothersome to no end as you say for me too, as much as i do continue to walk, it is labored more from fatigue and not disappearing as quickly i believe for just exhaustion alone,metabolism i look forward to joy and bliss restoring me in energy of metabolism to return. I understand this. I noticed and know with my body that from time divorced and then loss of dog, probably beginning of this up and down emotions rising to begin healing and then challenge of the friendship lacking support i so thought was going be there, i found my weight fluctuate and fatigue and particularly when most overwhelming emotionally. I found that the hormone cortisol elevates with these emotions and effect then all of our other hormones including yes thyroid. so i take something natural by Standard Process Syplex F – which has natural mixture of thyroid ,any other female strenghtening what i guess are from female organs? if you look uup ingredients, it is not something i desire to take as not organic and from animal, but it does strengthen during these times of added emotion. A holistic nurse practioner gave to me back when loss of dog and things so much more challenging for me were just beginning. This helped in past,although i am uncertain in the now how all that is being managed. I intend to go to Mayo CLinic in Florida,about 5 hours where i have on hold an endocrinology appt ,sometime this summer to be sure nothign too far off in blood work, as i was having those weird episodes soemthing off balance physically more than usual, it may have been associated with the magneisum as when i discontinued the severity of episodes went away. Hoping nothing other than that and what i describe is usual for cortisol bringing all out of balance from emotional challenges. I will say i know for sure much of the challenges from the unhealthy friendship has kept my adrenaline firing and the episodes of emotions take toll on this process so much as soon as i feel quiet and peaceful with no connection I realize wow i have been on guard continously. This is very concerning for me as well,so I relate too well to what you are experiencing for different reasons but so much the same. I understand how there is so much you are looking to do to help like go to the beach as it always was so refreshing to sink toes in sand and be so grounded by the sound and sight of water as if Mother Earth provides us and takes all sorrow and pain away,the sounds and smell of fresh sea air, there were times back maybe 6 years ago now when sat on beach and all of this surrounding of ocean and sand and open arms of sea and air held me enough that i sat and tears rolled down face with divorce and beginning of this challenging journey of these years, the sea and sand capturing and taking all away but a feeling that i could finallly relax and i could not move away from there,it kept me as if needing to replace my energy but it did not take an hour, it felt as if i needed so much more time there,to rest.In today it is the unhealthy relationship that has not supported me and I am so sorry to be learning what I have and continue in gradual awarenesses like layers that i so wish were not true of someone that able to truly not value anything really of me and my soul,but who i trusted so much and was a loving friend with no thought so wrongfully treated. The house I believe is going to pull together with the investigation,the bathroom floor so rotten that tile continue to crack and i am told ongoing floor essentially need be gentle so until repair settlement that i intend will come, it is weak floor. These two things and being solo are what i know when all lessens or new healthy relations open up and house restored , I will be more balanced. I love that you see so much dignity within my heart from writing, and that I have a much more solid tone. I do believe so much more that it all will come in its timing. As you feel the physical is the hardest to accept,these times of enduring do effect us, when we believe it is not moving forward, i promise it is. There will come the time when the extra weight or off balance hormones will all ease back and will refresh us. I am going to pick up some sand for you at beach and you can leave on your desk to always remind you the texture of sand and warmth and energy in the little sand box/jar will keep you with Jesus Christ right at your side bringing us friendship and the whisper of human kindness through this time of healing too.
            I thought interesting as about a week ago I did look at state of Texas wanting to see if you were near Corpus Christi and I saw closer to Calif side of Texas? How far is the beach. Here where I live it is 1 1/2-2 hours to nearest beach east of where i live,the others south or north are a little further,not much but a tad more drive. Still that is at least for this weekend and last week too much for me with the fatigue i was feeling. My wish was to simplly be there and avoid all traffic of holiday and jsut be. So I intend next Saturday to go if weather good. And I will find my way no matter what, maybe sooner ? when not as busy during weekday? My body too is calling for this restoration . It is one way I too find it healing. As you know I have intuition and have visions that come true. I had a vision I will meet someone from ocean and by water,and in Georgia. Strangely the woman that I know i have mentioned works with Reiki too, she at same time said she saw same thing. Water /ocean and Georgia. I am about 3 hours from Savannah, I live in South Carolina, so not impossible .It will be as God intends and only someone of the Highest Point of Love and Integrity,and for marriage is my intention. It must be all His will for me.
            I am sorry that you are feeling so drained from so much really, this is all so normal for all that you have experienced and have been experiencing in such a short time really. Stu loss, your surgery, first the pain, pain takes so much energy and emotion to endure, and your son surgery while you are still healing all. As I know too well, even with the things that we feel uncomfortable, knowing God is so close to you and your family and having the bond that you do with our Lord and saying that to embrace you where you are is exactly where God intended,and it all will be back to balance in its time. I do believe that you are going to find the small steps taking you to the next level of healing, bringing you to the connection at work that you so much love will inspire and bring you the freedom to flow easier as a whole for you and with all the healing still to come for you and your son’s feet. I so cannot imagine both of you together with all this major healing taking place. It is God plan to have you together in this,as you are so bonded already it bringing you both and all closer, even through these struggles of discomfort, the hearts are so together. I love that you keep the video games with the messages that most overlook which making it okay ultimately to add to behavior what seeing on the video. Although you discussed it, made an impression of values and understanding and that is not a God conscious action/behavior that we want to bring into our lives. I really really love that. I am glad that you have the company for this time that may feel so confining,yet so much healing and bonding taking place, what I call those very precious moments that never can be erased. I will continue to say Thank you Lord for our friendship and for an abundance of Blessings.
            I will let you know when I go to beach, and how all doing.
            With best regards,Love and care,
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to mention if you did notice my name, Sand for short, i had done that with thought of beach sand….before our connection here today. I thought may edit again to Sandee. not with “y” as what family would call me and I never felt it suited to me,so began using full birth name in 20’s without nickname. now with blog i can create a nickname here to use, i believe good and fun for me as who i see i am unique in God’s work “ee” at end of name seems unique and sweet. My middle name is Lee so not so far off course with “ee”.
            I also wanted to mention that I do agree with your thought that this house may be many unsettled projects that surfaced and taking an enormous amount of energy in waiting and having had about 100 contracters,exaggeration but feeling that many have disrupted my space to look and then disappear or do not follow up,or i do not sense good integrity or too much higher price than another, overall I do believe this house being 18 miles outside town where the unhealthy friend office is, and it gave me less reason to travel into town and meet for lunch. He was very angry with that when i stopped visiting for lunch or stopping by when in town,so i drive all the way around. Months back his comment would be “what are you too good to stop by”, and then you know how it went from there. I do believe God has taken me to this space that now I can be away even though he lives not far from me. He did listen last month or month before even as it has been already a while, when i saw him circling road after i had told him not to come onto my property without invitation, he did listen to that boundary and then i asked him not to stalk me and it seems he has listened to these boundaries and not looking to stop by if I outside. With this boundary I do feel safer and as it is an escape here, my Angels surround my house I know and only those of God Love I wish to have enter into my personal space.
            I wanted to say I reflected on your thought today and God has been so very faithful and has provided. I do believe the investigation too for my house repairs will be provided cost of repairs by termite company and all will be restored that is rotten wood floor and two areas of rotten exterior wood siding. I simply am confident that it will be restored this way. I know God is faithful and that there may be a larger reason for all the wait, and this experience that i do not know yet,but I know I will be in a better health when all will be restored and more able to give more to those who need. The mold is very concerning for me and I will ask Mayo Clinic if I get there by Sept? I still will ask if not until Oct . so documented.
            Hoping that you are home and in comfort and peace together healing quietly.
            Best Regards
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I am sorry to just be replying to your notes. I see there are others so this one won’t be long but something hit me as I read about the “friend” you mentioned here. For him to write and “accuse” you of being “too goo” is quite damaging to your soul. I’m terribly saddened to hear someone has said such hurtful words due to their own narcissism and anger. I would assume you are easily pulled into trying to defend or explain that you are not and on it goes. So first, you have NOTHING to defend! You are incredibly thoughtful, humble, sensitive, creative, gifted, kind, and more; and you are an abuse survivor so any words that touch on abuse will pull you down very fast. Children who are always having to explain or defend their actions, choices, motivations, and all with people who are abusive often assume guilt when it’s the damaging person who ought to be checking their own stuff…actions, choices, motivations, and all. Since you were not ever validated for being a wonderful, playful, intuitive, loving child, it will be so easy for you to default to the ‘defensive’ mode…if I could explain this better or be understood then things would be okay. The truth is until the damaging person is willing to address their own abusive ways, the relationship will NEVER be a real relationship and you will always be on the defense. This is a very complicated way of relating and it would take a long time to write out all the details. Instead, my point is this….when words are said to you that you know are NOT true, a very helpful way to reply is “I’m sorry you are led to believe _____ about me; your words are damaging to me and therefore, I will not engage in any further conversation”. PERIOD! You leave it at that. You will learn to stand up for yourself, to be your own advocate, and to speak the truth to those who want you to stay in an abusive “dance”. When you speak what is true about you, you will begin to believe it with greater confidence and have less tolerance for abusive people. It may be hard to start talking this way at first, but as you practice, it will begin to fall out of your mouth without a problem. Just picture an adult speaking to a child in the store the way other’s have spoken to you…sometimes I want to defend the loving child because the parent or adult is being such a jerk…it’s angering to hear or see an innocent child put into a ‘no win’ circumstance. When you speak up for you, you are defending the child in you that has been hurt. Use that word picture…what would I say to that abusive adult in defense of that sweet child?…anytime you are treated wrongly. This doesn’t mean you have to yell or be rude; it means there is a refined wisdom and truth you live by and that is that you no longer need to defend your character to one who is abusive. You are free and giving them their problem. Sorry this got longer than expected. You may want to write some things down that have been said that you know are not true then we can talk over how to respond with strength and truth. By stepping out of the dance, you are letting go of false guilt and internal churnings…you are freeing yourself to live in truth and not spin your mind around the craziness of others. I hope this makes sense. You are so very precious, so very valuable, so very strong…it’s time other’s learn to relate to you respectfully. I so believe in you. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen.I am so grateful for this message of great thought bringing me so much more clarity of what real and true….I continue to find my toletance lessening so I can also gauge where I am with your thoughts. I will write some things down as you mention . I will write down this response you have mentioned to communicate if happens in future even by anyone less than gentle hearted.
            Please take your time with connecting from my other thoughts expressed…with there being a handful during a time I realize uou are continuong heal and your son too that this may take tIme.
            thank you for believing so much in me and for me.
            Staying the course.i know God is leading me.I miss our connection and know during this time He has provided me to read His word . It is all in His timing. I know your thoughts were in the timing too. What needed hear these thoughts and there they were. All in its exact timing intended
            much love with faith strong
            Sandra

  • Sandra,
    I just read this and one other note you wrote about the deep pain and anguish you are enduring due to this unhealthy relationship you have wisely established boundaries around and are in the war of keeping them in place. Please know, the harder one pushed against another’s requests, this reveals how unhealthy, unwise, and untrusting they are. Those who must put others down in order to break down another person is utterly untrustworthy. I am sorry, so sorry you have not been respected for your wisdom and boundaries. I am so sorry you have been undermined and put down for doing what you have felt is best and necessary for your growth and well being. There should only be support and strong praise for such decisions; they are hard to make and harder to keep. However, you are taking the highest road, choosing a life for yourself that removes damaging, hurtful, harmful people and those who lack respect for such hard choices must be firmly removed. I am ever so proud of you for your consistency, for your commitment to growth, for your dedication to your own healing and self worth…so few stick with such hard choices for this very reason. However, as alone as it feels now, such seasons will pass and you will find your voice becoming stronger and steady as the days and months pass. Other voices will have less power over you; your voice will grow and become one you respect because you have learned to listen to the voice of God who always gives wisdom, strength, and reason to those following Him. You are making such huge breakthroughs…don’t give in, keep writing, keep listening, keep your boundaries strong and you will surely see the hand of God in and through these days. All my love, Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, Thank you for your kind thoughts with this process and the your support with my seeking healthy boundaries. I have had a tough month in that I so much want to know how that feels to be treated with such importance from another person, soon God will lead me to the very next door of new relations to blossom and that will be how i am learning to take care of myself, with respect and self worth that will come as my being important to someone or other friendship that i will not need fight out of with no understanding of the truth and reality of this concept. I keep listening and more awareness on suttle munipulations I need be aware and set it straight before goes further at any time with anyone anywhere. I do know as well I have had more awarness in my reading online material that I too am shedding new light on what to do when someone so irritates me ,whether it be a boundary pushing or simply unkind, and I can take control of this how I can learn to maintain who I am,and not become ugly or so angry. There is so much that goes into this really that i intend to talk in therapy. I know you are aware of the many levels,i essentially survived by blocking out my feelings and much of my life,much of the time classmates having fun relating to one another, i was a loner, so afraid to connect back then from young through many years, i had i remember very strong walls around me,and terified of anyone getting to know me,so for many reasons too it was not accepted or tolerated if I showed my true self or emotions. This is a tremendous growth, over the last 10-15 years i began opening my heart ,have been surprised of amount of pain with vulnerablity,as I never knew people were so untrustworthy outside my family. I know so crazy to have believed but what an awareness, and these last few years understanding more with such heightened awareness of my own feelings and truly owning them now and beginning recognize and accept my vulnerability and when doing this the anger was the strongest as so bottled up for upteen multiple years of a truly full lifetime for me, so I know i have work to balance all this out and I could not be more joyous in my heart to Know and Love Jesus and our Almighty Father for holding my hand now and showing me what truth and reality look like and leading me to look at this balance of emotions, with continuation of feeling my feelings and not letting them overcome me, but knowing how vital it is to know how I am feeling,and being vulnerable. I continue to learn who is safe and a little more noticably hesitant to let anyone too close for that will take some time again to be sure I careful who I let be a dear friend to love with all my heart, I was always so open to love all,I know this too will come into balance as this friendship wound heals . I guess there is no sure way of knowing who will stay close in time of change,who will Love me in return is all I guess we all desire beneath it all, I am positive I have Jesus, and listening to God Right Hand always upon my crown, learning and knowing what to look for in a strong relation will be key for any future of friendships so I know I will be protected and really always have been for God has taken me amazingly to this very awareness of relations. Amazing isnt it really. I am so glad that i have followed Jesus calling, God has this all planned. I look forward to how I am more balanced in His plan, how I can give more and continue loving and working around the challenges like the Serenity Prayer keeping focus on staying true to myself and my heart andsoul when challenged.
      Sorry I babbling, this is indeed an exciting and new process.
      Much Love and Peace, May God bring you comfort today and for your son same.
      I hope that you and your son are resting at home this weekend with family close in your very own space and privacy of being at home.
      Sandra.

      • Sandra,
        I will never forget my therapist for three years saying to me that my soul was incredibly trusting and that only God could really protect me fully. I understand what it is like to trust with childlike tenderness…only t’s o be deeply wounded and confused at another’s deceitful ways. In many respects, there is no way to totally protect yourself because you can’t be someone you are not. You are by nature a very kind, tender, trusting, loving, and caring person. You go for the underdog, you would fight for the homeless and those in need without question. The problem is, many take advantage of such gentle souls and only God can offer the needed justice. Just today, my son Jon and I were talking about “revenge”. Several of the games he see’s online use the word ‘revenge’ in the description…the lead player is seeking to take revenge upon someone or something that caused a loss in their life. I told Jon that we were not going to get or even find interest in these games as it is not our job to take revenge upon another but that is God’s job and He does a fine work on His own. Our job is to forgive and let go of what has hurt us; God’s job is to do the justice necessary and He does not need our help. Jon and I both have to work on the ‘letting go’ part; there is peace when we do let go of what is God’s to handle. So it is with you as well…God has given you this wonderful, fresh, tender, soft nature that must be renewed by Him each day. Yes, there will be some who can take advantage of such kind people; but God is not absent or unable to watch what happens and then give the consequences necessary to those who choose to deceive the good nature of others. All I can say is that I have met few people so kind and transparent as you…you are tender and soft, sweet and gentle in nature. What other’s have used to harm you, God will bring healing and use you in ways beyond your imagination. You are able to perceive the needs of others like very few…may God use you to bring hope and healing to others. I know He already does but as you let go of the past, learn to find a balance in setting and keeping wise, appropriate boundaries; He will continually establish you and set you on His firm foundation and use you in ways to touch the deeply wounded. I just know that is growing in you; I hear a voice of strength combined with one of softness. Sandra, yes, I am so proud for you…how far you have come and the courage you have to keep moving forward. May God continue to use you and grow you in His wisdom and power. Amen…have a blessed weekend. Colleen

        • Sand

          Colleen,these are a few affirmations I have read, I am uncertain of the “rising again and will destroy” concept never heard before this if do not forgive someone who rise again? I am uncertain in Bible if there is something like this written word. I wanted to share as part of these anonymous quotes have what we have shared in thoughts, “our job is to forgive and let go of what has hurt us; God’s job is to do the justice necessarry”, as you have stated in your thoughts.

          “Giving love to all, feeling the love of God, seeing His presence in everyone, and having but one desire — for His constant presence in the temple of your consciousness — that is the way to live in this world.”

          — Paramahansa Yogananda

          Wrath and hatred accomplish nothing. Love rewards. You may cow down someone, but once that person has risen again, he will try to destroy you. Then how have you conquered him? You have not. The only way to conquer is by love. And where you cannot conquer, just be silent or get away, and pray for him. That is the way you must love. If you practice this in your life, you will have peace beyond understanding.

          — Anonymous

          “Today I forgive all those who have ever offended me. I give my love to all thirsty hearts, both to those who love me and those who do not love me.”

          — Anonymous

          And this I would like to read context in Bible. particularly this of Peter I feel strongly.
          Again Anonymous who wrote where i read online?

          “Then came Peter to him and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” I prayed deeply to understand this uncompromising counsel. “Lord,” I protested, “is it possible?” When the Divine Voice finally responded, It brought a humbling flood of light: “How many times, O Man, do I forgive each of you daily?”

          Great thoughts these were to read by your note,and letting go. I love how you speak so honestly and real with Jon. His foundation of the Lord is so similar i know to your own. Such a Blessing and also so rare to know and for me to see so solid and loving with His Love and Respect so clear and sound. Cherish these moments together,seemingly you will have this extra time during healing at home, God places us exactly where we are intended, so interesting to me, Jon was going through growth process, and certainly his closeness and loss with Stu , having His mom near is what God maybe intended for this time.Hoping you are more comfortable to move around and feeling restored if at home this weekend too.
          Enjoy your weekend at home.
          Sandra

          • Sand,
            These are beautiful…..how I love the one on forgiveness and the several on unconditional love. It is a very mature part of one’s character to let go of another’s wrongs against them and not be controlled by thoughts of revenge. “Revenge” is such a HUGE part of our culture….it starts with things like video games and believing we have “rights” to decide what only God can fully decide which is the consequences we really deserve. I am talking a lot to Jon about this because he suffered bullying during many school years. This isn’t surprising and as much as I advocated for him, I couldn’t take away the pain his heart carries. Now, as we look at the gaming systems and what games are out there, we talk a TON about this issue. It keeps me in check too; to live fully with a kind and gentle spirit trusting our Heavenly Father knows what is needed at the right time. The other side of forgiveness is that we don’t have to go back into the damaging relationship and we need to ask the Lord to help us let go of mulling over thoughts of revenge. So many think forgiveness means we have to go back to the relationship and try to get along. Not at all…we forgive, let go, and then use wisdom in moving forward. Some times it’s best to let a relationship go if the other person refuses to change and are damaging, that’s okay. But to really forgive and wish the best for others is one of life’s greatest gifts we are given because that is what Jesus has done and does with us. I hope that makes sense too. You are a remarkable person; smart and so willing to ask God for His direction and then you follow it…that is so rare. It is a gift to know you my dear friend. Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I wanted to share this image ,one of my favorites I save on computer. I know how we both have shared that we enjoy the soothing comfort and peace Christmas Lights bring,even if all year long on a tree with lights to illuminate and soften,as I know you mentioned you have for Jon in kitchen especially for night when he walking through house,that little bit of light helping and guiding him, and that you all share in thought with monthly themes.
          The ocean for me with tree bring incredible wish to be sitting back on an adirondack chair right there on boardwalk letting the ocean and light take all away replacing with a sense of peace and tranquility, sight and sound of ebb and flow of the ocean that are like gentle caresses to our soul. with light on Christmas tree for me together the best combination!
          I need visit beach very very soon! I hope that you will be able to view photo below! With Love and Peace Sandra

          • Sand,
            I wasn’t able to see the photo but was at a huge furniture place today and saw many photos of Adirondack chairs and beaches and just took a deep breath in. Yes, you need to go and feel the sand, hear the sea, and remember that just as God keeps the waters and oceans in His care, how much more does He care and love you. His thoughts of you outnumber the stars and the sand pebbles…you are His great treasure. I cannot wait to hear about what it was like to sink your feet into the warm sand and just breathe!! Much Love, Colleen

        • Sand

          Hi Colleen.hard day today.not emotional just not sure in heart how much time longer God has me alone. No friends no family to be apart of my day sad and lonely. I know on just the other side of door all renewed and new healthy relations waiting.I feel ready open that door . I decided drive out a little even though if had someone with me would have continued stay quiet at home without driving anywhere today. End up picking up fruit at grocery store. I know good coming. Last nite watched the national military program and cried with great empathy for the families of loved ones lost and understood grief like never really felt in heart this same until watching and realized how touched. And those injured who go on
          I look forward to connecting this week hearing how you are doing and if able be back in office.
          Take Care
          Sandra

          • Sand,
            Interestingly, it is PTSD awareness month starting tomorrow…the month of June. I too am so saddened for those who suffer as they sacrifice for our country…I really cannot imagine how hard it is because I can’t even tolerate watching many movies portraying their pain. All three of my kids and I have various levels of PTSD…though not ever in the military there have been extremely painful circumstances that have caused neurological and physiological changes in us that we seek help for when needed. My soul resonates with the fear, worry, nightmares and flashbacks…our minds are so miraculous and yet can be so wounded. So this is something we each take to the Lord and ask for His help to get better over time; and yes, He does bring healing over time but we have a long way to go. I am back to work but not in the office as much as I want to be. My surgery was 6 hours and we have heard that for every hour under anesthetic, it takes a month to get it out of one’s system. I guess you can say the exhaustion from surgery and healing takes far longer than I prefer. However, I have started exercising and that helps my fatigue and ADD. Things could have been so much worse had it progressed so I am extremely thankful for the grace I’m given to work from home and for co-workers who continue to support, pray, and pick up where I can’t during this time. You are so kind to ask…little by little, it’s coming together. Thank you for your ongoing prayers! Colleen

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen.I had not yet been aware PTSD awareness month. I know much how this has changed mybrain and can feel when emotiinally damaging relations have pushed emotionsl buttons in ways I could not ever think to onset for another’s disability. ‘s have strengthened enormously in sensitivity …I was always sensitive but now greater. for you and your family who have varying degrees it at any level to me the same. I am glad you have each other to have such firsthand understanding really is tremendous .I would love to read a post by you for this awareness. I understand if not but your work so inspiring comforting and real and true I know it would be great thoughts ecpressed. My greatest concern for me is disconnecting and not beong able think on clarity for my own wellbeing or simply choices before me so lately I stay low and do not go out if having lack of clarity as more vulnerable and need protect myself. I am going to try a Bible study up road historic Church about 5 miles from my house and seeking a Christian suppprt group that open and productive ecchanges. I am happy for your workimg from home another steo forward..I had not known of the 6 hours 6 month for healing..I know it will be a time of patience and glad gratitude showing surgery was good and founded andv successful result even in early stage of healimg …that too will strengthen you for each next step. So good really to hear this update. if there is a package or envelope at work maybe office will send over to you . I look forward connecting again soon.take good care . goodnite Sandra

    • Sand

      Colleen, I still struggle with putting myself in situations where it is like I needed to learn that was so hurt and almost keep letting go of someone issues for at core i believe that is toxic for his/her experience, it is like i keep giving a next chance and see some growth here and there, ultimately it will lessen with connection as i will be led toward the healthier relations as i so know going to be behind the very next door. I guess part of my thought too is how can I work on myself with these Teachers that God does provide us,even if they are the most hurtful and dysfunctional, I am asking myself how can I as well react less for that is not about me,those behaviors, i can only control my reaction. So it brings me closer to awareness of my own like in the Book Embracing Ourselves by Hal Stone and SIdra Stone or it was Hiding from Love, by Dr. Townsend, one of these books speaks of how when we do not accept a feeling within ourselves,whether we were taught not to feel this specific feeling or told bad, not to cry as weakness, all these negative thoughts, well if we do not accept one of our feelings one of these books speaks that that is why the feeling within us then comes out multiplied. so for me like anger and irriation, I have known discomfort for parenting not accepting my voice of really any kind,but definitely not with anger, and those like this person i wanted to be my friend through time, by resisting my feeling or trying to avoid as my dr. would say, then that is what i experiencing it multiplied discomfort,as if I were to accept as she taught me this feeling,okay I am angry, and be curious with this as to why and what happening,and bring to God, then it will lessen the strength of it and I can manage better by working through it. This is what i wish to work on at this time. Many Ascending Masters of God, Jesus all learned this in enlightenment. I will never be like any of these literally, although I wish to work on this level of peace even in a storm of those hurtful.
      I am speaking my mind, I am not sure what all this means,It is something I want to be curious with and look more closely how i can manage my anger in these hurtful situations. I know you understand even if I do not yet have the awareness of my process during this growth.
      It does not mean i need to be involved with anyone hurtful, it simply is how I can react differently?from a more peaceful me i think.
      Much Love and Peace
      Sandra

      • Sandra,
        It is not in the nature of one put together like you are to be firm with a boundary. Because you are so purposed towards growth, to do what is right, to continually pursue wellness; it is absolutely befuddling…not in your mind at all how another can seem so repentant or in need and you not reply to that need. However, you will have to ask for the strength that comes from God alone to hold the line, to establish a boundary, and regardless of how repentent or submissive or forgiving the other seems to appear, you will NOT give in. This, Sandra, will be the making of you, as I believe it is the firm strength you will need in life. It is not a ‘mean’ strength…Jesus was exceptionally kind and loving but also firm and held to unquestionable boundaries. Therefore, with this one individual who, in my understanding, has never kept a promise of change or repentance, you are given the great opportunity to grow and strengthen these inner muscles. It will go against almost every feeling you have; but feelings are to lead us towards inward examination NOT towards outward action unless and until we have brought our examinations and considerations to our Lord. There is a wonderful kindness about you-I believe a rare gift from God-that longs to give other’s the benefit of the doubt. Sadly, most who are manipulative seems to ‘sense e’ this and use it to their advantage. So, go to the Lord and ask Him what is it that He wants you to learn here. Maybe it will be to cut off all ties for 6 months, maybe 3, maybe to speak one time a month…. I have no idea. I do know that if you are not the only one who has experienced this manipulative behavior, there is a pattern that you are not responsible to break. Instead, you are responsible to hear from the Lord and do as He directs. It may be moment by moment…that’s okay; it’s all we are promised anyway. So my challenge to you is to wait, listen for the direction of the Lord, then choose without unwavering confidence that He has led you to this place. I will guarantee you this, the enemy will work on your feelings like never before…causing you to question your decision, to feel sorry for such a strict boundary, to think, “well, maybe this time it will be different”…NO…do not go there. Maybe try it for a month; but whatever you choose, do it without reservation. God will guide you but you are being called to higher ground to enjoy all the Lord has prepared for you and follow His leading. In His strength and peace, Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen
          Thank you for this well thought note. It is so what I needed to hear and for my understandomg. It is so exact to where I am and exact to my actions and feelings. Amazing how well you too understand those feelings of the enemy. I seem to have become more aware. This is certainly to my understanding as you have said and a lesson or teaching of boundaries for taking care noone like this ever come close again as this experience has been. The more I become aware the easier it is to remain clear as repulsive is lack of integrity and continous dishonest ploy withiut admission of wrongly treating me. I am a humble person yet today I look at myself in mirror and do have difficulty understanding how I have not been so valued or imporatant as I believe I have suxh rich love of heart and soul that not yet appreciated in this life.at least not yet. And I wait knowing God plan for uncondiotional love and highest point of love and integrity will come as I learning now what that is and respecting myself more too. with hesitance of character thst I welcome and new boundaries taking forwatd .if you can think of where in Bible I xan read of Jesus actions which have shared here where He had expressed unquestionable boundary I will like read this very much. I am s grateful for your attention to this place I am in growth and your thoughts with petfect understanding and genuine care of me.
          thank you, Love
          Sandra

        • Sand

          Hi Colleen, I believe there is something about the ocean that catches us when we need to be caught for a while. I so much looking forward very soon to be caught with toes sinking into sand and ever so grounding and the ocean breeze still good weather before too hot to visit.
          I called my dr and tried to cancel appt this week for I was feeling exhausted of this work,and it does not truly take away the lonliness,why go talk about it and find yet another month of waiting out through some tough times of what lonliness comes. She strongly recommended I listen to my vulnerability and do those good things for myself that we spoke about,small things,and that this would be a time she said to come in for appt that is scheduled,as she thought i was beginning withdraw. when there are hours of doing things for oneself,it is like you run out of steam , yesterday i continued do small things that I thought vulnerability needed, massaged my legs, that actually felt so good almost could not stop with oil on lower leg, energy warming up i felt for energy began to flow better, i lit incense i like scent of, had some quiet time until neighbor music vibration all afternoon,then when stopped i delighted again in space of quiet,and when finally said i need go out ,I did and walked a mile at park but my body tired, it is all feeling so laboring i just wanted a break from anything that feeling like “work”. I simply know the ocean will restore…I need a massage so badly too as I feel the toxins buildup in it wieighing me down and tight. Yesterday I even began stretching again,and that was good beginning keep stretching part of regiment daily. I am going to talk to dr about something and bring it here, the Reiki person as i always said is best massage body work i have ever had and the price is so much less that the average body work,and I simply need this type work,so i did make an appt, i made it clear that i have a clear firm boundary for not to say anything hurtful emotionally while i am there ,to keep it nothign but professional atmosphere and if not i will report him to massage organization. I am concerned that i go to that space but my body work is so needed, I keep praying there be someone else to be even better but nobody yet appears. I know my dr would say why would i want to do that, he has been so hurtful ,but i do believe i will give try and that his work is more imporatnt to him that he would not want to mess up and receive a complaint if try press my boundary.
          I will keep you posted
          Have a good day,and hoping that you are feeling ready for this week and what healing may have for you,maybe step back into office for a short time will feel like a step forward for you
          With Love
          Sandra

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I know you have had a number of things happening, your healing and your son healing from surgery. Please know I am thinking of you. It is crazy time as you have surgery and healing pulling in directions unexpected and away from what we have control, it seems i am being pulled in transformation of some kind seemingly away from all contacts. It is such a strange time and feeling so much in God’s hands,not of my very control where He is guiding and pulling me forward now into a new phase i believe it feels. like that catipillar transforming into a butterfly, i know you can relate to this how there is a pull in this type growth emotioanlly ,physically as we evolve where He is guiding.
          Strange occurance wanted to share, seems wiring in universe having a time o fown last nite, alarm system showed no alarm but trouble with system,so beeping lightly off and on in hours that awakened me, when i attempt to call by cell phone alarm company, get this, my phone not signaling properly. so a chain of disconnected calls and not having answer of what going on with system or phone at 1:30am. Finally with more attempts i am able to test system on phone with alarm company just holding signal,and said system not communicating. It seems that they could not tell me why so appt set for repair in few days. In meantime i attempted to go back to sleep, with system doing a beep here and there awakening me again a few more times. Then this am 8:30 am, the indiviudal that has been unhealthy friendship for me,shows up at door saying alarm company called and that i did not pick up phone as it was turned down this am with my not expecting this issue and needing more rest, he was concerned no answer and alarm said to have bulgary and he wanted to check on me and what going on here no answer by me. he drove from his work 18 miles away and I did say Thank you for continuing to be this contact for me,and checking. As alarm compnay stated now alarm went off,but it had not,and finally stated it was because tower of signal cellular system was out and must have confused signaling. Now working it seems and phone too. If my life does not sound confusing, I am not sure what would these days. Last nite i prayed as going to bed feeling so disconnected from every life being on Earth, I prayed to show me a sign of being important to someone. I would have not ever anticipated this individual having such an unhealthy season of friend would show up for concern what happening. It does not say I can turn around and be trustworthy of this person,it does show that i never changed emergency contact of alarm system as i somehow knew he would step up and do this if necessary,and he did which is helpful for i truly do not have anyone to transfer this to at this time. and do not wish to jump into trusting someone i really do not know what made of to take on this request. I am knowing that my boundary remains the same ,does not mean anything changes,but God work sometimes confusing where He taking me when all seems so haywire. I know your life is taking these directions now too without our control, I pray for this transformation/transition to help me fly smoother ,and if so awkward and uncertain of where He taking me, to Trust He knows what best and will sometimes use these ways to mold us. Many Blessings today your way,thinking of you and how your son is healing now as well.
          With Love and Gratefully for God support during these uncertain times.I rely on Him at this time,and will gently follow even in twist and turn,relying and listening fully on Him and His guidance which is very next step in what haywire moments in time,that make no sense to me,but all the sense to Him and my Divine Path. I know that you are in His hands and healing accordingly to His plan for you and your family.
          Sandra

          • Sand,
            The ways of God are absolutely odd to us at times because He is infinite, eternal, knows all from beginning to end, and can use any method He chooses to answer our prayers…sometimes we have to just shake our heads and say “wow…who would have thought _____”. One of my favorite passages in Romans is the conclusion of Paul’s doctrinal (the author of Romans is Paul) section of the book. Found on Romans 11:33 (New Living Translation) Paul writes: Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! Other’s such as Job and Isaiah say similar things…as far as the east is from the west, so are God’s ways and our way’s…we, as created humans by an infinite creator cannot know or comprehend all He does and how He does it. One of the commentaries I read said it like this: (Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary) “The apostle Paul knew the mysteries of the kingdom of God as well as ever any man; yet he confesses himself at a loss; and despairing to find the bottom, he humbly sits down at the brink, and adores the depth. Those who know most in this imperfect state, feel their own weakness most. There is not only depth in the Divine counsels, but riches; abundance of that which is precious and valuable. The Divine counsels are complete; they have not only depth and height, but breadth and length, Eph 3:18, and that passing knowledge. There is that vast distance and disproportion between God and man, between the Creator and the creature, which for ever shuts us from knowledge of his ways. What man shall teach God how to govern the world? The apostle adores the sovereignty of the Divine counsels. All things in heaven and earth, especially those which relate to our salvation, that belong to our peace, are all of him by way of creation, through him by way of providence, that they may be to him in their end. Of God, as the Spring and Fountain of all; through Christ, to God, as the end. These include all God’s relations to his creatures; if all are of Him, and through Him, all should be to Him, and for Him. Whatever begins, let God’s glory be the end: especially let us adore him when we talk of the Divine counsels and actings.” So it is that HE chose to use this unhealthy person to be the one who brought comfort as you were cut off from every other means of communication…may God be praised that HE answered your prayers. This proves He listens to you, knows your needs, and is your refuge and strength. And you are correct in knowing you still hold a very firm boundary with this person, but that as only God could have arranged it, He did bring you help in your time of need. The exciting thing about trusting in God is that we can’t and won’t know how He does it all…but that HE promises us HE will help and hear us when we call to Him He is your faithful shepherd…however He chooses to reveal His faithfulness is up to Him. I would also say it may be the battery in your alarm system. Ours does funky stuff when the battery is low; perhaps that was already checked. Also, with the weather being what it has been and with where you live, I’m not surprised to hear you have some tower or cell interference. It would be easy to allow fear to overcome you….but now you know God will provide, that there are many factors possibly causing the sounds, you can be at peace. Another thought is the system may be old since everything else in the house has proven to be old or faulty in some way. All of this is forcing you to lean…to fall into the arms of your creator and trust. That is so exceptionally hard when you survived by trusting your own determined will to survive. Letting go is almost physically painful. But, God obviously has you in a place where that is being challenged so let’s thank Him for providing and for knowing your needs. You seem to be handling these things with much more ease. Yes, the constancy of it all is maddening, simply maddening. The enemy would love for you to get off on that part rather than seeing the hand of our loving creator provide in little pieces along your path. Keep trusting, keep clinging to Him…He will always be faithful. Lovingly, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, there is so much you have shared that I am beyond grateful for your brilliant wisdom,it shines, so much knowledge apparent as it is so fluid in abundance across the page of your notes. I am fulfilled for your thoughts are so rich in His presence, so much hope with validation it is His work and yes ” All of this is forcing you to lean…to fall into the arms of your creator and trust”. And to hear that “That is so exceptionally hard when you survived by trusting your own determined will to survive. Letting go is almost physically painful. But, God obviously has you in a place where that is being challenged so let’s thank Him for providing and for knowing your needs” this is all so amazing and solid truth and so real for me to hear, and an awareness of “trusting your own determiend will to survive”. I need sit with this as at the depth of my core. I wanted to say as well that I too have learned the depth and as painful as moments are I have become aware that I do adore the depth of where being taken, to places within that seemed to need this depth and have been provided knowing for a reason.I believe in this reason wholeheartedly,that He has wanted me to fall into His arms and Trust so completely for what i have not known this security and comfort, it is here for me. Colleen, I want to read these notes again, so supportive you have been.
            I wanted to also let you know from other note, another instance where I know God is working. The unhealthy friend contacted me leaving message that he is in bad space with memories of his own life coming up and he said he going to the Veteran hospital to look for a counselor today. This is amazing Grace of God. I am speechless as he is going to seek help. This seemed to happen as he asked after the action of checking on me with alarm,he wanted to know the truth in why i avoid him and not meet up with him. I told him I did not trust him. He as I imagined became hugely defensive and I backed off knowing he must be feeling guilty for he is not trustworthy and must know this about himself somewhere. Then I received the message of his seeking counseling.
            Amen
            I will keep you posted COlleen, Always Faithful in His work,and to see this happening for someone else will be a Blessing of His work
            With Love
            Sandra

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I do want to say Thank you for your encouraging thoughts. There are so many important words of action steps that i have learned ,one being consistentcy, for me this is red flag moving forward into any future relations, someone need show me consistency as well as be consistent in his/her life with others and those close and dear .That is a big wrod to seek in action for me to know someone trustworthy. I know there are those that still have this characteristic and need look at how truthful and if high level of integrity,but this for me is a big word look for in deciding if be close friendship. I am so grateful for your voice ,your honest thoughts of me,and for me with this growth and change that is vital for my being in healthier relations. Thank you for acknowledging this “consistent” choice of boundary I have set for my own respect and value of self that i have become aware. I have still so much to learn. I truly was in a place i needed to hear this as it is teribly the feeling of lonliness that I sit with God and speak more and sometimes with no energy left I cry and I know He knows and has this all planned so I trust in Him, i may still cry and feel I have prayed the same prayer and I know He has heard me cry out,and He has all in control ,so the coping of that and to let go and accept that yes another night but a night I know He hears me,a night I know He watching closely over me, another night for certain that I trust in Him and what He intends for me with a full heart. I know that it is close to all coming in its very timing so I hold on. The greatest gift of all is the actual feeling of His hands over mine, His hands over my very crown. That is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced ,to know and feel His Love and Healing Hands upon me, there is nothing I would want more at these times than this awareness .
      hoping you will have restful comfort in your own home this weekend.
      I will be thinking of you and your son and holding both with your family in my thoughts and prayer.
      With Love,
      Sandra

  • Sandra,
    It breaks my heart and also angers me to know that you were taken advantage of during an incredibly vulnerable time in your life. As if childhood wasn’t enough…to know that there are those who prey upon those in need or in vulnerable places is about as sick as one can be. I’m so sorry you were hurt, you innocently trusted someone to help and they took advantage of you in your time of need. I just am so saddened to think this was your experience. Your therapist sounds extremely competent, strong, well informed, educated, loving, and wise; this other individual sounds like a crook who finds delight in power, fear, and persuading those in need to become another victim of persuasion and control. I thank the Lord you have been able to move away from this extremely sick individual. I know the home is not what you wanted it to be at first, yet it has provided you a way of escape from this sick person who could have hurt your further had you not been given a place to go. So, in spite of all the horrible factors involved, where you are now has saved you from some further damage that could have possibly taken more years to recover from. Indeed, I am so thankful for your therapist and for our Lord who provided a way of escape from this individual. I am forever thankful we have met and created a wonderful bond in this season! I thank the Lord for your life every day, I thank Him for bringing you out of the pit and placing you on higher ground so you now are free. What a wonderful, gracious, faithful God we serve. May He continue to lead you in all ways; protect you from all harm, and love you through all things in this life. In His grace and comfort, Colleen

    s

    • Sand

      Thank you again Colleen. I feel so cared about by your kind honest thoughts. Thank you! I too pray for His continuing to lead me in all ways and to continue to Love me through all things protecting me from all harm.
      I seem to think about things now that i would have not recognized such concern. If for any reason I know God will protect me,however being alone ,no family emergency contact, if for any reason I was unconscious I do not even wish to think, but I hate that thought. Hate is strong word but I truly will need place full faith in our Lord that I be in His hands and His hands onlly to guide anyone in place of care that will be led by Him and only in good safe hands. Something I think of and have intention to get something in writing even for measures of my own wish be taken as my wishes, a voice to help in and if that ever were a situation.
      I will connect soon.
      Enjoy the rest of weekend. I will be thinking of the beach in minds eye.
      My very best regards for you and your family.
      Sandra

      • You are welcome sweet friend. It takes us a long time to grow up when we have been deeply wounded. I really do understand. The good news is that God is in no hurry; in fact, He works within our timetable…keeping it all in His perfect timing and working all our lives into a perfect balance that represents Him. So, we are all in good hands. All my love and care to you, my dear and precious friend. Colleen

        • Sand

          Hi Colleen. I so look forward to the balance God working on .I sitting in car after dr appt canbot stop crying enough to get myself going. Eyes swollen and red hate to have to drive and be seen this way in places intended to stop on way home. I have to stay ficuaed and clear on staying my course .I do not intend seem ctitical of myself but my primary self seems to be isolating more and dr said I doing so well at boundary away from what she calls the preditory friend.and it being far more damaging to let myself go to him for a massage. Although this all sounds so easy my pressing on feels like the massage and that level of intuitive body work was worth more to me .I feel so put of sink mentally really. Dr said I can for sure find someone adequate for time. Now I feeling more the loss of the best body work I had known to work out all toxins and having trouble by I guess all my wounds to see the truth of someone to even be near can be just as toxic .I can sure say pleae pray for my balance and clarity today.love Sandra

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I am hoping you and your family and friends are all safe from flooding i have seen happening in your state. I know we have not connected.I realize so much happening.
          Once again Jesus has found me in the silence I know He intends for me. Reading last nite a daily “Just a Moment With You God”, by Kay Arthur, I had not picked up in one month,so there it was,and all clear messages within for me to take futher to the Bible. First “May 23 – Digging Diligently, How blessed are those who observe His testimonies, who seek Him with all their heart. Psalm 119:2 Diligently digging into God’s Word book by book will take the “ho hum” out of your relationship with Him. Ask God what book of the Bible you ought to study. Then start by asking questions. Who is the book about, what are its main themes, when was it written,where idd the events take place, why is this book (chapter, verse) importatnit? You’ll be awes at what you hear”. and the other I heard clearly was how I have been praying, this was clear in this writing ” May 28 Be Stil And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. 1 Kings 19:12KJV We must learn to do more than pray, “Bless me……give me…….help me…..” We must meditate on His Word, be quiet before Him —-still enough to hear His voice….and obey. ” This is what I heard loud and clearly last evening in mere silence but His voice and guidance, I ask too often Help me, give me what need be restored with house,relations,etc. I am now ultra conscious of Help me! i say much too often without going to His word. So I landed this am in one of my favorite readings and where it seems He has directed me for a while now, i have been reading . Revelations. I love this am Revelations 4. Colleen, I am a visual person and I now am certain what I envisioned with my mind eye and message during a walk in park a month or so back, Jesus with His own hands placing a crown of thorn on my head, I know He was showing me He was aware of all I have struggled and endured,and this is true what i saw. I am not saying to boast yet to say Revelations expands on all the truths I need right in the now.
          In His comfort, we will endure, I will endure.
          With Love and Peace, if i do get all together i will drive down for afternoon at beach, not certain as hour getting late and lately so fatigued hard starting out to prepare,so not an early start if go.
          I will be thinking of you,and His silence in all is intended for me and my to hear His word and His voice whispering to me with direction. I am certain of this.
          Love Sandra

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I know you have multiple happenings by you and the many thoughts to read by me and others too upon your return. when all settled at home,and up to date with all I would like to review with you Revelations,particularlywith” the Lamb” that was sacrificed? and my experience with Angels has always been light hearted sweetness, where to guide and protect from terible happenings on Earth? unless not of God in Revelations or God anger being shown? I know you have good understanding of Bible. I may venture to seek out a Bible study locally. With Revelations I believe the Angels are being told by God? pouring upon the Earth God wrath? Is this what is happening on Earth in the now? All curious thoughts would enjoy your thoughts of.
          With thought,and best regards
          Love
          Sandra

  • Melissa Melvin

    Colleen,
    It is always a delight to read your transparent thoughts and perspectives- to be challenged and encouraged by them. Your words speak a volumes of truth to my soul. I have been trying very hard be strong through this season of pain. As I find myself in bed today feeling weak and tired with my feet sore and indented from the pressure of my muscles fighting against my my leg braces, I read these words and hear God’s call to embrace reality,cease running from my grief, resisting change, and denying my need for help. To let go and trust God to bring beauty from the pain.

    Oh,how pride can get in the way! Living my entire life with a physical disability, I learned vary early how to adapt to my limitations and surroundings I have come up with some very creative ways of doing things for myself when the traditional means would not work for me. I take delight in saying “I can do it.” I will try every means possible before I break down and ask for assistance. I do not want to be a burden to others. I would much rather serve than be served, but I am learning that God has blessings for us to receive when we admit that we cannot do it on our own and allow others to come alongside and help us

    There are so many blessings disguised in struggles,lessons learned, perspective changed, friendships made and the list goes on. sometimes we have to dig a little deeper to find these treasures, but we do we discover they have value more then gold.

    Thank you for sharing this! You are daily in my thoughts and prayers. I thank God for you and I pray that God will bless you with His abundant riches in Christ.

    • Melissa,
      Oh my dear friend…I am so very sorry for your pain! And at the same time, it is being used to teach you so much. When we run from our pain or focus on relief, the deeper truths are missed. Instead, I hear you embracing it as much as humanly possible and then asking for God’s wisdom. I know we have written since you wrote this note but I just put a blog post together along the same lines. I too am an over achiever-at least I’ve been told that a few times-and work very hard to figure out ways to solve problems when typical means don’t work. That is the life of a caregiver for sure. However, with this back surgery, it was the first time in my life that I could not ‘overcome’, ‘push through it’, or find a way to solve the problem…I had to lay with it and endure. As humans, I believe this is such a difficult thing….to learn to endure and not run from what God is allowing, and then to remain tender in our souls as we listen for His voice. Oh my gosh it is hard. I can’t imagine how hard this season must be for you and if I could take it away, I would wish to. But then I am checked in my spirit because I know that would be interrupting a process God has you in for a purpose that is incredible. I think of those you will touch and speak words of loving care into their hurting soul like no one else could because you have endured the deep waters of pain. Every note I read from you is dripping with enduring pain and remaining open to God’s touch and teaching in your soul. What a priceless gift…a preparation for touching other’s who will need your voice and words of truth through His grace. I pray for you and will continue; and I cannot wait to see how God unfolds this in your life. Your friend, Colleen

      • Melissa Melvin

        It is my sincere hope and prayer that God will use my experiences to encourage others. My heats desire is to be used by God, but the longer I walk though this life filled with great challenge and pain the more I realize that saying here I am Lord use me is also inviting the Lord to break me so that I can be transformed into His likeness and used as a tool in His hand.

        I cannot deny that I long for an end to this suffering. My physical body is exhausted. I long for physical rest and relief for the discomforts of CP. But, if my suffering can be used to point even one person to our savior, than it is worth every ache that I feel and every sleepless night that I endure

        I am an overachiever. I become very frustrated with myself when I cannot achieve or even surpass the expectations that I have for myself. That is one reason why this transition into braces has been so hard for me. There are just something that I am not yet able to do with my ankles in a fixed position. It frustrates me to no end that I cannot figure some of these things out. The pain that I am experiencing on top of it makes matters that much worse. Through it all I have been reminded that it is okay to admit that I am not okay; that cannot do this on my own. So I let my tears fall and trust that God is counting each one. In knowing that i am not alone I am blessed!

        I wish there was a way to adequately express how grateful I am for your prayers. You have no idea how much it meas to me that you would pray for me in the midst of all that you are walking through, I do not take your kindness for granted. Please know that you are in my prayers daily. With every prayer I pray for you I do so with thanksgiving for you. You are a gift!

  • Sand,
    As I read your note, the first word picture that came to mind was one of a physical body. We both know about toxins, allergies, and things that our bodies are not to be exposed to without it damaging us. And, we also are aware of the good stuff our bodies need…rest, vitamins and minerals, sleep, exercise, support, so on. Well, take that an apply it to your soul as well. From such a young age, toxins were put in and you had to fight (like our immune systems do for us physically)…defend and use incredible mental fortitude to make it. It seems that in these last few years, you are realizing you were filled with toxins from very toxic people. You have entered and worked so very hard to rid yourself of the toxins as well as put healthy “vitamins and minerals” in….God’s word, His love, truth, boundaries, reflective thoughts, meditations, and feedback that is replacing the toxic junk being removed. This is such hard, exhausting work, especially with someone as intuitive and smart as you are…you second guess your true voice because it was never given value. Now that you are learning to value your true voice, to listen and internalize truth, you soul is growing by leaps and bounds. There will probably always be pieces of the past that you will fight…usually in your mind as you doubt your true self or with false guilt…I understand. In those moments, just stop and ask God to give you what is true…to show you, reveal to you, lead you in His truth about you. He promises to do so, it’s what I have to do at times…to take every thought captive and seek God’s truth to make it through those rough spots. And, just as the body responds with greater ease when it is fed the right stuff, so our souls begin to respond with less work…it becomes second nature because you are healthy in body and soul. So stay the course, expect to feel tired and allow yourself to grieve the fact that you were not validated, supported, given words of affirmation and affection. Those are great losses that the little part of you needs to cry and grieve. Grieving releases a lot of ‘toxic’ stuff…it’s exhausting but it creates clean space in you for the good to sink in and flourish. I hope this is encouraging to you…you have a remarkable spirit and soul, precious, loving, tender, and gifted. Nothing God creates is wasted so stay the course and know you are doing a remarkable work! Colleen

    • Sand

      Colleen.this is such a temarkable note. Your thoughts bring such clarity of perspectove for me. I have I do not think felt so depleted of energy. I rested all weekend and just knew I needed that more than excercise or driving a few hours to ocean and sand. These will come .I am so grateful for your wisdom and grace with most caring understanding. Thank you! And thank yiu for kind thoughts of me. I am glad too to hear of your exvercise …again a small yet great step in strengthening for further healing. I know too my energy will come back and can begin walking forward again in excercise.
      thank you for connecting. I am going to rread again your thoughts inorning for very reflective and some thoights I wish jot down to help me.thsnk you so very much
      with great love
      take care
      Sandra

    • Sand

      Thank you again Colleen for this incredible support. I am most grateful for you are so gifted in reachingout and offering the thoughts that are so very understanding and helpful. I did write down this way to ask God what is true. Thank you wholeheartedly. I am in exhaustion and hoping that all the good healthy food rich in vitamin and nutrient will counterset all the toxins that i receive and letting go of .Thank you for encouraging thoughts of my heart and soul. and acknowledging in me the growth that you are aware of knowing me,and being so encouraging of my work .
      I did agree to sit with this unhealthy friend today as i know my dr would not agree but he wanted someone to talk with in process of some demons in memory and seeking counseling for he has seemingly had enough of his own fight. I know he was always there to listen to me,if he is going to be real and true i will listen to him as he sounds in a place of despair ,mention of beginning to end this “___” in his life.excuse me for that term. all i can offer is what always have really, a solid honest trusting ear,and encourage him where it is the help i know he needs. Just maybe it will be okay to do this today? I will ask God to lead me in His truth about me. I feel weak although will keep my boundaries and can always pick myself up and leave if any emotional twist occurs that hurtful or harmful to me.I am uneasy about this but if for a good reason he is seeking to make a change in his life, I do support and encourage his thoughts,even when he may not have encouraged my changes ultimately for greater healing of my self.
      Many Blessings,
      Sandra

  • Sand,
    I have to agree with your counselor that any pursuit of help from the predatory person is not wise. I know you feel you have lost so much; actually, you are loosing the toxic stuff and toxic people but it feels like a deep loss none the less. Because God has proven to provide, I would call out to Him and ask for help with finding another person to help with what your body needs. I used a Groupon to find a hair person after doing it myself most of my life. It’s ended up being a very wonderful and dear connection with a woman much younger but out of an abusive relationship. I was able to buy her a helpful book and offer feedback on some stuff she was struggling with. SO you never know who the Lord will bring you to…one who will need your wisdom and care…you may be the one God has prepared to help more than you can ever know. And at the same time, allow those tears of grief to fall, splatter, get your whole face wet as you let go of what you so believed was a safe friendship. As you grieve, physiologically you are releasing toxins that in the long run will be healing. It’s okay to feel confused and angered at the whole thing…but always know you have made the best choice possible given the circumstances you were in. Don’t assume false guilt or blame for decisions made in the past; you cannot undo them but learn from them and move forward. I’m glad to know you are letting yourself cry…this may be why the Lord has you in this place. Ever so lonely, seems so long but this is where some of God’s finest work in us is done. David spent between 10-13 years in hiding as his father in law pursued to kill him. He was at times all alone in caves….here, the man who was King of the land endured such a lonely time before he was crowned. And there are so many examples of those who God has used throughout scripture in mighty way have also endured long, very hard and lonely times before He used them. I don’t know how long this will be for you…consider it as going to a school to study suffering. From this, you will be shaped into His image and used for His mighty purposes. I promise, not one moment is wasted when put at the foot of the cross. Much loving kindness to you, such a dear, treasured soul! Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I am so amazed this morning being so much more aware of God and how He is working more and more as the thread between us all. How wonderful that you touched this hair stylist ,being placed in her chair and being able touch her life as you have. Thank you for sharing the most kind thoughts and encouragement. I probably needed to sit longer in my car that day and cry so much more, i will remember that it is releasing so much toxin. I am going to read David in Bible. This running to hide for who we uncertain of intentions. That is what I ask if uncertain , I ask the person what is your intention? I am going to read again your thoughts and have so many I wish to jot down to help me.
      I am Thanking God for you and your thoughts today. I am so grateful for it is clear He knew what i needed to hear.
      Have a great beginning of a new week, your excercise is like you say of me,not inches in measurement although measurement in feet, being gentle and kind to care for the surgery in healing simulataneously moving forward in your healing with movement is a good sign .I can hear it too in your voice,the strength of your voice is returning with these new first steps in motion.
      With Love and Peace
      Sandra

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen. I intend sit with God and ask the questions that you offered as way to determine if God leadong me in His truth of me and show me reveal what true for me. I did sit with unhealthy friend. He did call vet hosp for referral so he can see a psycjologist outside hosp. I continue to maintain a distance of emotion as I cannot trust my emotional self in conversation as concern of trust where have felt very hurt so I listen as have always to him but with boundaries of time and I mentioned some physical earthly things sbout house to keep balance of conversation…surprised at his really hearing my thoughts regarding encouragement as he spoke his memories severe and multiple he coukd not stay still …flashbacks of war his parents abuse and loss at young age of parents death. ..he said he thought that he needed look at homself now and it may be him that people canceling to visit him and that he finding something deeper to core than flashbacks that he need help as does not know how much more in head can take or go crazy. When he home and not busy sits and stares at tv letting all pass. .he opened up realizations of continously seeking distractions or escape what really going on. To hear this I told him I was so proud and we talked a little about my experience and to screen out who he comfortable with and know given care and time to work through behavior therapy.and to remsin open.He will update me how it goes. I did feel i took a risk today in not knowing how emotionally I may be hurt by sarcasm or what is part of personality umcertain of when will come but it seemed like we talked like had yet a new respect at least today.I cannot trust he supportive of my dr or path by God so I need caution. This person needed talk about what ultimately will benefit him in ways he not capable realizing so all I could do is encourage.I really truly need speak to God to follow only His lead .and if true He using me to bring awareness to this individual. If true God is incredible. I will need see how God is in work and if Truth here. Interesting. I lent the cd of your Dad and mother regarding “we all shot” and our responsibility for our behaviors. I continue focus on our Lord and myself with all I have happening so I will remain on course and not close daily communication as in past with this individual. My dr will not want me hurt agsin and I know you and a female friend all want me not to be hurt. So confusing but I trying to follow God lead Without judgement of another maybe trying find peace afterall.
      love Sandra

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen
      I did want to update that still uncertain of all happening but I did leave message for my dr to let her know and she has clients at VA hosp as she specializes in PTSD. I did give her update and said not knowing how the truth will play out but if it all true I asked for a recommendatiom of a Psychologist similar to her work and approach to pass on as if this person chooses this can be an opportunity more beneficial for growth with least resistance if someone really good with soevialty in PTSD. She did call back with a dr she would recommend and she added that to give name and step away again for time.that he has pushed to be in touch with me and there is no way know yet if a ploy as he knows I am sympathetic to self wellness and it would be good from history to use caution. He did inform me today his hands shaking as made appt for primary dr to provide referral…I somehow believe by history knowing this infividual that he is struggling and to the point as he said he need do something as need identify core issue and to save him from loosing his mind.That openness and choice is not what I believe he would take to this level to be closer in commumication with me.I will use cautiom and I would be dumbfounded if later learn different.
      I read a verse before me last nite of 1Peter 5:8 s it was my daily calender verse and I hoped that there be truth in this act of this umhealthy friend as I truly and wholeheartedly would so want see God work in way of someone seeking help after such a storm which too as you are aware has taken me down a path of great geief and sometimes maddening for emituonal disregard shown toward me, blame, etc. I forgave. And I did offer encouragement in this new development and will pass on reco.mended dr. I did alreafy send Brene’Brown website vidreo .Then I will need continue talk to God in truth and reveal me what true and where He continues lead me . I am going to look at this Bible study down road and a group that goes to movies too may be a very simple nonthreatening way for me to enjoy. I have visited support group for children of alcoholics and am going visit another similar group for support group for me and my growth.
      Have a good nite and I look very much to learning more of Revelations that I have read.I would love to hear your ecplaination of the “Lamb”….and was it God that sent the Angels to pour upon Earth .
      Sandra

      • Sand,
        After reading the past three notes, I have to say I am honored with your honesty about your time with this abusive person. You could have chosen to hide this information, knowing of your doctor’s and my concern. However, you are living in truth and that always sets you free in your soul. That being said, I, like your doctor, have huge concerns about his disregarding your request yet again. He has the ability to call any hospital, PTSD center, to pursue his own growth as you have. But instead, he became like a victim (which is a sure button to push for your attention being so sensitive), and did not respect you. In this time of loneliness, it’s understandable how easy it would be to desire to help; but you are working with a master deceiver. And, he is talking about demons…that is a massive red flag because of how sensitive your spirit is. There are a ton of people who specialize in demonic issues; with where you are in your journey…alone and vulnerable…the enemy of our soul’s is determined to devour any soul and knows your weaknesses better than you or I could know. I cannot go into further details about why my concern is so high; all I can say is I ask that you trust me on this…scripture tells us our greatest battle is not with flesh and blood but with the evil and demonic forces we cannot see that have greater power and knowledge than we can ever imagine. Our society has painted evil as bloody, ugly, gruesome, horridly frightful…like an evil halloween figure. But that is nothing like what God word describes. The truth is that Satan was one of the most beautiful creations of God…he comes as an angel of light, to steal, kill, and destroy. Here is a good word picture…if you were going to make something to sell, and wanted it to be what everyone RAN to and bought, would you make something beautiful or wretched? Of course we both would design the most beautiful thing possible. No one spends money on ugly, broken items…we buy what is appealing to our design tastes. The enemy knows what is appealing to each person and crafts things in ways that will appeal to us…however that will be…visually, emotionally, socially, relationally….he will do whatever it takes to take down someone living for Jesus and fighting for growth and a relationship with our Savior. Sorry to go on and on about this but hearing where you are…very disappointed with the house and understandably so, very alone, and you have a heart that is tender and intuitive…you are one grand target for the enemy right now. This person has more resources available than you do…he has contacts, a car, phone, work, place to live, and plenty of information to find what he needs. HE must do HIS work just as you have done yours. He is able…you have to decide what level of boundary you are willing to keep and then do not break it. I say this so strongly because I have come to love you, love your spirit, admire your willingness to sit in the pain and stay the course. Regardless of what you choose, I will never shame or fault you…I’m with you through the entire course. I have not read your other notes but I had to stop and write my concern before moving on. No matter what, I will always care and am honored to call you my friend.

        Colleen Swindoll Thompson
        Insight for Living Ministries
        Director~Special Needs
        972.473.5000
        Blog:
        http://specialneeds.iflblog.com/

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen. I have not felt this saddened in long while…i cannot seem to grasp the danger as well as you, my dr. And even the woman friend that I know I have mentioned. She does Reiki too and sees this person has dark energy he works with. I am actually surprised you can gather this demonic activity only because I am intuitive with visions and I have been frightened over time what I was sensing and have visualized nothing behind his eyes but a dark void and dampness. I know that sounds weird and really I did not even share that with my dr but this other woman I know we talked about this as she very spiritual but kerps Angels all around her. I am really overwhelmed. All have said do not get massage from him either…I need that level of work is all I can see but yes I am feeling too vulnerable and disconnected. He asked not for me to find a dr but that he was calling to make an appt with his primary dr for referral. It was me that offered solid name of psychologist knowing my dr good reputatuon and she could provide great resource for someone so many issues. I guess I am confused by whether you were referring to spiritual demons or ptsd and real psychological issues of war and abuse. I guess to understand I can say like my woman friend says we have choices…I accepted and called God and the Angels and he called Dark spirits. I have maintained my boundary at home and in communication I needed pull back as I do not want be as connected in communication and visits at his office as in past. So I maintain this. I have had him again say something where I told him I am not going communicate with this abuse…he said after I said no once that I was not going is to ride and talk with him as he went to pick up some fresh crabs as he invited …..and he saud come on it will be good for you. I was annoyed as once again no is no and i told hom this if red lite stop..one time say no is no to be heard no pushing…he replied get off your high horse with this BOUNDARY stuff…and boundaries capped. I was strong with my reply and that is when I said how dare he and be indignant with me and abusive to my boundary work. So I glad he has not communcated with me. I did say please go away. I am not sure we will not speak as honestly Colleen I do wholeheatedly want to see him follow through on his own will for help and happy for him if he does…
          he allowed me to see that I am very aware of eyes now and what seems like someone trustworthy? Of God…I can say more what I did a few years back I claimed by my I intuition that he was possessed by demons at his house…I stopped going by there as do not like energy and he said no demons…I put it aside but it seems true now that you say this as if God needs me hear other than what I saw or recently in communication with woman friend she never knew him personally but did not like what picking up intuitively and then as I been healing we talked more and she could see psychically he works with dark and still does.
          I am not sure what to do with all tnis Colleen. I do not have anyone call if emergency if did not have this person.he was the only one gave me his office when did not have place to stay. Deep down at core I seem to see this simply a very damaged hurt soul.
          I will sit with this thought…I see your number.maybe it ok I call you this week? Say hi by voice a few minutes?
          Thank you for loving caring thoughts…both you and my dr I feel really care alot for me and I can say I never had anyone so for my best in thought and loving care.
          with gratitide…and with love
          Sandra

          • Sand,
            You do sound very discouraged and my goal was not to discourage you but to reinforce the importance of maintaining the distance as you laid our for him to follow. It is confusing to say you want no contact then there is contact and you offer to help him find a therapist, I KNOW, I BELIEVE your intention and motivation is pure! I don’t doubt that you long for him to be well…I know that is a longing in your heart. However, if you have communicated to him that you want no communication, then keeping that rule consistently is vital for your own health. Consistency is difficult for those who want to help…I struggle with it in so many ways. But, if you have told someone very unstable….as it sounds like he is quite unstable…a rule that must be followed, then you have to follow it yourself as well. You asked me to clarify the difference between demons, PTSD, real psychological issues of war and abuse. When I refer to demons and darkness, the enemy of our soul’s, I am speaking of the Christian life in general. Paul calls us to put on the FULL armor of God so that we may be able to resist the devil in the day of adversity at the end of Ephesians 6. He isn’t referring to one day or one specific event, he is speaking about the fight Christians have in this fallen world against the enemy who desires to devour us. One commentator put it this way: “Verse 13. – Wherefore take up the entire amour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day. Some have tried to affix a specific time to the “evil day” of the apostle, as if it were one or other of the days specified in the Apocalypse; but more probably it is a general phrase, like “the day of adversity,” or “the day of battle,” indicating a day that comes often. In fact, any day when the evil one comes upon us in force is the evil day, and our ignorance of the time when such assault may be made is what makes it so necessary for us to be watchful. Here is a link to Bible Hub’s page on this passage as well as other verses speaking to the totality of our Christian duty to be aware, always prepared and equipped because the enemy will come in some way at any moment…usually when we are vulnerable. http://biblehub.com/ephesians/6-13.htm Sand, the Christian life cannot be separated into categories…like we separate many of life’s issues into categories: psychological, physical, emotional, so on. When we are filled with Christ, He is in us at all times and therefore, all moments are sacred….to be kept in the care and watchful eye of our good Shepherd who will protect and provide. Ephesians 4:26-27 says “…BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity; another similar reference is in Romans 12:19-Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord”; both passages give examples of attitudes we may have-anger, revenge, lack of forgiveness-that are like openings in our spiritual armor…they create an opening for the enemy to get a hold of us in our minds. If I am focused on anger and revenge, then I am assuming to know what another needs for discipline and that energy is spent thinking on darkness when we are commanded to renew our minds and think on what is right and pure and good (Rom. 12:1-2; Phil. 4). What I am trying to explain is that real life issues of abuse, pain, hurt, PTSD…can be used by the enemy to get our minds off Christ and onto seeking revenge or a lack of forgiveness. But as a whole, our Christian lives are to be established on being in relationship with our Savior. As stronger you become in your relationship with Christ, the more the enemy will attempt to distract you. This is why being very careful with someone who has abused you, spoken of demonic activity or demons, has disregarded you and so on is so vital. It’s for the preservation of your spirit that you keep your boundary. There is a lot in this reply and I don’t expect you to understand it all right away. It’s hard to grasp it all and I’ve known the Lord for a long time. But, I’ve also experienced abuse, have PTSD, and anxiety struggles and when I focus on trying to defend myself rather than allowing God to be my defense, I always am weak. Let me know what you need or how you are doing as I’m here to help you through this very hard issue. It is complicated and I don’t expect you to get it quickly or without support…I’m right here. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen I am trying to understand. Yes it is complicated.there for me is akways someone beneath suffering and I cannot seem accept although the one piece I do understand is my spirit taken when harmful things said..I will ecplore Bible hub link…I am trying relate all to this circumstance. I did not realize that lessening my communication was confusing. Yes I did state best to not communicate a few times and each time I hear from him in some way and a few times I reply but always less and less than beforehand. This does seem confusing. I am ok communicating about something as long as mutual and amicable conversation. I am beginning believe none of this no matter what communicate about is of his genuine interest…I will sit to process. I certainly have alot to process .I not sure how all this happened but I guess the imporatant piece is I became consciously aware.and want to please our Lord.
            enjoy your afternoon.

          • Sand,
            YOU GOT IT! See, you can’t decide what is okay to discuss and not discuss every time you talk if you have asked for no contact. No contact means ‘no contact’; not ‘contact only when I decide and what I decide to talk about’…that isn’t what relationships are about anyway. SO you got it but really, REST…your mind is on overload and confusion will make you very frustrated. Just shut down everything and rest. You are loved. Colleen

          • Sand

            I did not realize that a relationship can discuss all things, like with you and with my dr. is a sure measure I can bring anything to talk about and i see this is what is healthy.
            With peace and gratitude,
            Goodnite Colleen.

          • Sand, it was not until my mid 30’s that I became aware of this. Other dysfunctional “rules” include what can and cannot be discussed, what is or is not tolerated in behavior, thoughts, words, or choices, how we give and receive love…it’s all a mess. So yes, I learned like you are learning all topics of conversation are free for thought. Not with every person…some are not able to handle some topics due to their wounding; but here, you are free to tell me all about whatever and it will not change how I care for you. That is how God relates to us, so why enjoy that in our chosen close relationships! = )

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I am amazed abput this and at age of 50 which is undetstandable for how I raised
            I was always told camnot be friends with girls as this one and that one never perfecr enough for my mother. Essentially stayed in a room and was too disconnected most of time to read .it sadly true until old enough to work and would work sometimes three jobs to be away from home. High school was able take many independent studies in art studio and lost mysrlf in painting. ..I would bicycle after dinner but as you say this as miave as it siunds I have not good social understanding and now that you say this this why my dr always saying no matter angry sad happy she accepts me and we can talk about anything…this awareness by your kindness in thought with me rings true as esoecially where grew up I could not comfortably express my feelings. I was not accepted ..just supposed to do as told.and at dinner we told not to talk for father angry dominating man and he always wanted quiet. This is very interesting for me .The positive is I now learning more of interactions of healthy functional relations and clearly will griw from this interaction with you .My xhusband too conversation was always about him and he had difficulty as listener and ecchange of conversation.interesting this is.
            also I did receive gracious kind reply from Joe from mental health Grace Alliance and he confirmed personally from his email that no group in my area but he stated encouragement that what resources I do have are very good and that will help me as you and my dr my main network..now adding some new support groups so have some type in person support to listen and just be really
            thank you very much.I still processing much.
            love Sandra

          • Sand,
            It is so clear you long to be healthy and have a holistic development. I’m thrilled Joe write you back. There are some things on his site that you would benefit from…I know I have. And yes, isolation is another HUGE factor in dysfunctional families. There is a great book written a long time ago by Dr. Dave Carder called “Secrets of your Family Tree”. While it’s older, it’s principles are timeless. You essentially are just now entering young adulthood…separating from the “rules” you thought you had to obey (creating a false self) to the unveiling of the real you. What a tremendous discovery…I cannot wait to see what God has planned for you…a beautiful woman, created by Him. Good to hear back! Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you for your complete understanding of where I am developmentally, by your note furhter along than a year ago. I will look for this book. And although it often is uncertain to where i am , I am so certain of where I am going, The Lord arms are so open and waiting for me, and with that ahead of me, I am running toward Him and His presence as I move closer to Him and forward.That I wish to hold as my focus.Nothing happens overnite I know especially with the years of what was impressed upon me as truth yet mistrust in my heart and soul.
            I would like to explore Grace Alliance further online and i know Insight for LIving too has many resources that can help me. I guess I was looking for what truly is a growth on my part, to become a part of community yet a safe and trusting community network at first, like one of the support groups from Grace ALliance, or Pure Ministries, although nothing local found yet .
            These are great organizations. I will connect again soon with update on processing all we have touched upon in these past days.
            There really is so much,it may take time to learn what need to ,and closure to a part of my life that need let go.
            Thank you for your shared thoughts,Have a beautiful Day filled with Christ Love and comfort, I do hope your healing is coming along too.
            With Gratitude and Love
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            Hello my dear friend…where are you?
            I was looking through my notes and found your email, I’ve not heard from you in a bit and hope you are doing well. You are loved and such a treasure.
            Thinking of you today,
            Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you for thinking of me and your thoughts of me mean very much. I am suddenly consumed with some things that need me to align and set forth, seeking a chimney person to inspect chimney so at least while waiting the investigation and settlement for many areas of wood damage from purchase, i at least will be able to have roof flashing and around flashing and chimney where separated from house learn reason and replace all rotten wood. I have also decided and found network through a power washer who sees i was wronged in this purchase by multiple people and he knows who to trust in this county, and as others encouraging me to file lawsuit as well as the investigation that current. so i getting all in order, the attorney he recommended is his and his friend and honest,he claims need be careful of judges too, that some all work togher with those old money businesses in this county. so i can request a different judge when it comes to this time. I am also speaking with a recommendation to mold test,see what level at in house, most cannot stay here,they say they need get out it so bothersome. One contracter cannot have his regular worker work here,he said he has asthma and he will send another person in to work. I am used ot it, know that it has affected me with inflammation from mold and know in heat of summer when smell odor more that i breathing this in. I will travel to Mayo Clinic Jacksonville,about 5 hours from me next month for what i call complete physical. only place i will go, i do not generally go to dr’s, and will only go Mayo Clinic as needed. and need to have this physical,endocrinology special visit,and some other things,including good blood work that i hope to include some testing for mold in system ?
            Suzanne Sommers had mold in her house she and husband lived in and both had physical issues. I knew about vitamin c crystal powder from a holistic center here, i had been taking more than a few years back, so i began again taking that to cleanse toxins
            I seem to have been letting go of fighting all, and tryign to accept people for who they are and ultimately my only responsiblitlity beyond my first to God with my heart and soul, as i learn what this means in my growth ,then to myself that I can only control my boundaries and say no where not for my truth of self by God, and maintain a communication that is honest and open. I neeed find this book, i had put aside this week, with other things going on, but really look forward to reading this book and learning more through a support group for Adult Children Alcoholics and book that all will continue to bring about awarenesses that are dysfunctional and that i have not learned anywhere else. even at my age.
            Thank you again, i would love to hear if you received the package i sent to your office, that would bring me happiness to know that you enjoyed.
            Have a good evening. here been over 100 degrees,heat index even much higher, humidity remarkable lower last few days which makes it a little more bareable for me,i even still walked ,park shaded so i remarkable felt difficulty breathing air but able to enjoy the heat and nature of summer thoroughly.
            Many Blessings and Love to you with Peace and harmony only, i do hope you are finding yourself and your son too in a place of greater healing where it is now noticable that all is moving forward for you and your son both.
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            Oh my goodness…my heart is breaking for all of this. In my head, I know the question isn’t to ask why but at moments of full discouragement, it certainly is a fight. I don’t know why the Lord led you to this property and all of the fall out it has caused; I do know He has and is using it all to bring you into a deeper relationship with Him. Clearly, it has forced you to depend upon His full goodness and strength, to cry out for wisdom (as the Proverbs tells us to do), to reach us your tired hands to the heavens and ask for Him to be your refuge and strength. How I wish I could take away the exhaustion, the physical manifestations of mold and allergies, the jerks who do not fulfill their promises to you, the ugly things said to you….ALL of it I wish was not your burden to bare. However, it isn’t yours, it’s the Lord’s. He assures us that He will carry us through, He will hold us and even when we feel like we’re suffocating, we are not. So I will pray that the Lord gives you air to breathe, a body that is not weary, and wisdom as you possibly travel into the courts of law. Your friend is correct, such an endeavor is marked with difficulty. I have yet to see a really fair judicial experience…it’s a man made system which is filled with broken people; but it is the best out there. So I will pray that you will with hold the temptation to put full trust in a judge or in a system and continue to keep your eyes on Jesus Christ. He too did not have a fair experience….one who did no wrong was crucified. It helps to remember that as you enter this process. And, it is arduous; I pray your system is up to this kind of demand. I don’t know what your options are but whatever direction you choose, may God go before you and be with you throughout. I believe in you and something miraculous could happen. Regardless, we know God is with you and has a plan to work it all out for His honor and your best. Have a blessed afternoon and I do hope you find something refreshing for your soul this weekend. Colleen

          • Sand

            Thank you for connecting today Colleen, yes that is what i sit and pray for at this very moment in time with large tears weeping out of my eyes, that I am provided whatever that is of peace and joy to refresh my soul this weekend. I pray it replace the anger i have built in my today with such peaceful tranquility and joy of His .
            Have a good weekend, I will update with what will be.
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to ask if I have missed this book “Secrets of your Family Tree” by Dr Dave Carder,on Insight for Living. I did a serach although it did not come up for me , I was looking to see if had paperback from Insight for Living, If it is for sure that it is not in book store with Insight for Living, I will go back online and shop through amazon where i have found the book about 11.50 without shipping.
            Thank you ,
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            It’s an older book so you will probably have better luck on amazon or an online book company and get it for a lot less. I don’t think we have it via Insight for Living. Sorry I didn’t explain that better. How are you doing today? All my love, Colleen

          • Sand

            I will find it. i just have not been focused on that. Thank you for thinking of me and your thoughtful note today. I have had some migraine,i think from all the a/c and heat outside maybe ,very high temps with heat index 100-105. I am very angry today, and through nite, alot seems to be surfacing from the Adult Children of Alcoholic support group i attended last evening,and will try stick with the 6 weeks, then go to an afternoon group i enjoy connecting more so, this afternoon group ALANOn i think called, i like energy of group more so and will do that as able as both 50 minutes from me at least in traffic. I look forward to the creative writing workshop coming to my county, I have been asked to help organize and promote, right now looking for a space to have a workshop that has a fee. Library only has those that are free and open to public. I contacted hospital and museum so waiting to see if can use either space. I working through alot of painful awareness and alot to do with my father I believe at least today. emotions surfacing that alot of suppressed anger still need come out from all this junk .
            Have a good weekend, Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            You continue to amaze me with your courage…you are just totally incredible. I have rarely met a person with such determination for healing…like one in a million. Some have nothing near the pressure of life that you do and still refuse to face their pain; you on the other hand, are juggling all the house stuff, boundary issues, AND going to healing support groups that will bring more healing than you can imagine. Honestly, I don’t think you could go through it all without a support group or two. You NEED to have other’s who care for you, understand wounded souls and can speak to your heart in truth and love. I am so very glad to hear you are attending these groups. I would suggest getting a punching bag, drawing words or faces on post it notes and sticking them on the punching bag, then hitting the way out of it all. I worked with someone who had endured horrid sexual assaults and the person did the writing, drawing, and sticking then hit that bag until sweat poured out everywhere. It was amazing how much anger came out…and it MUST come out or it will eat you up. I’ve worked with others who have thrown eggs, tomatoes, pebbles into water, hit their beds with a rolled up towel, hit the floor…anything not living you can just wail on until you are exhausted. There is a cleansing affect when we let all that out…it acknowledges that you were wronged, hurt, assaulted, and have carried pain long enough. It’s time to let it go. And, it will free you to continue to pursue your identity separate from Sandra who was ______ to Sandra who is _________ as God defines you. Please let me know how things go and if there is anything I can do to support you. Oh my gosh, YES, I did receive your package…the cards and everything meant SO, SO much. I have some on my desk at the office and some at home. I treasure every one. Thank you for your incredible thoughtfulness. All my love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Thank you for connecting Colleen, it is a hard day. Thank you for your kind thoughts ,rare or i am not sure what ? i thought taking on too much but it need be faced directly, so next 6 weeks I will be bypassing any avoidance of the yuck of the idea of what facing in this one group….the other will be more enjoyable group,but this first group necessary as they have this different book and approach that right in my face. It is bringing up a ton of stuff,junk yes. anger yes,big time anger for this realization of all essentially i thought i was following the path best for me, isolation, hiding from the pain,and here it is all directly before me. The unhappiness of who I am really,what i have done to really bring about what i thought or what i know served me well back then to protect myself absolutely is not what God has in mind in the now, isolation no longer is for need to protect in same way as in past,
            yes last nite i kept punching pillow and i could feel the warm flow of energy releasing into my arms and body. Today i may have shorted the process as I do need the punching bag to help,and today maybe it got stuck back inside ,I am glad i mentioned it to you for I do need to find a way to get it out. I like the idea of stick /post it note with name on bag to punch. I unfortunately right now am and know i am giving in and going to to lie down a while. i know this is a form of avoidance but I am feeling going that way . I will work through this. and Thank you you very much for your friendship in offering me to ask for help.
            The one thing today that did bring me a smile and joy is knowing that you did receive your package i sent along to you. I am delighted that you enjoyed so much. The “woolies” cards are one of my very favorite as I wrote in note, Our Shepherd, we the Sheep! darling cards that I knew you too would like very much
            So happy about that.
            Enjoy your weekend and stay cool, I sure hope that you are finding the growth from healing after surgery bringing you the best of comfort and newness that are like little surprises of all was so worthwhile. And that your son too healing well.
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • ​Sand,

            I just wrote a long note that I hope you will read and write me back at any time. Don’t avoid the “yuck”…it is the hardest thing to do but you must walk into the “yuck” to get past it. I have, you can…I know you can. You are one of the strongest persons I’ve ever met. You survived a horrible past, you are here for a reason, a purpose, a calling might I dare say. God has you exactly where it is needed for you to fulfill what He has planned for you but you must stay the course. Jesus endured the cross…you are at your cross of sorts. Some things have to die in order for new life to grow in you. I’m not going anywhere…you can say whatever you want and I will love you and care for you regardless. So stay the course my precious and dear friend. God has you, I’m with you…call to Him! Colleen

            Colleen Swindoll Thompson

            Insight for Living

            Director-Special Needs

            972-473-5016

          • Sand

            Thank you so much Colleen, If I called you I would only cry right now. I do want to callyou soon. I hope to have extraordinary news to share with house or something. Right now I am so grateful for your thoughts,that encourage me to hold on . It is so painful, more than i ever imagined. and sleeping maybe avoided the yuck of it, this is yes where I need and supposed to be right now. I will say that the Adult Children of Alcholohics book is so direct and raw,that is what bringing all to the surface, I wanted to tear it up so badly, shred it this weekend,but knew that was not constructive, so used knife in pillows that i was giving to Good Will, inserts that i was no longer using, i did only to one really, but no punching bag yet, just tried ways to release. and then succumbed to sleeping ,numbing it all until this monring, your thoughts have helped me release the tears necessary.
            Thank you I will be in touch as I truly want to update you and speak with you,
            Thank you so very much
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • ​Sand,

            Here are the important things to remember as you are dealing with all this stuff.
            You are healing

            You are getting poison out of your body

            You are getting to the core of who you really are

            You will never forget this past but it won’t hurt you anymore

            You are giving yourself a chance to be free for the first time in your life
            Other’s will need your healthy voice as they face the yuck

            You will encounter others with freedom and not fear

            You are giving the enemy no room to invade your life

            The enemy hates the light you are living in so stay in the light

            Jesus knows EXACTLY where you are

            Jesus is with you, understands you, loves you, won’t let you go

            You will not fear the dark

            You will start to notice life…less distracted people have more resources to observe what is around them
            You will choose more wisely

            You will not be taken advantage of

            You will be given what you need for the next moment

            Sand, these are only a few of the things that happen when we walk in the light and not darkness. You are fighting for your soul and Jesus has allowed you to be in this place to bring you freedom…you have been a captive to your past for so long that this is scary and delightful at the same time. Don’t try to figure it all out…just cling to the coat of Jesus and HE will carry you. I promise. Colleen

            Colleen Swindoll Thompson

            Insight for Living

            Director-Special Needs

            972-473-5016

          • Sand

            Colleen, this is pretty over the top stuff hapeening, I see Jesus with me this mornign, I knwo it may sound weird or crazy but I see Him always in my presence in a long white robe or cloth/coat. I know when it is Him. and I spoke to Him in His prescnce today. I am amazed and yes at some level that cannot completely identify with at this moment a delight,a softness seeing in skin after times of crying or this deep rest. I wanted to say too that I am so relieved that I did find this support group as the book too validates the need just as you have told me, that to separate from those family or firends that are toxic behavior so for the healing to take place this must occur, so it is a supportive interest to attend. I am overhwelmed at this moemnt with the capacity of what i am currently undertaking, no turning back ,no giving up. I have come so far and am in the midst of some extraordinary moments that no I will never forget this.

            I particlarly like most that which you have expressed for me to focus “That Jesus knows exactly where I am”, “He is with me, understands me, Loves me and will not let me go”,and that “You are giving the enemy no room to invade your life”. Colleen I know you understand and so fully understand me and suport me, I am thankful so very much.
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I have found that because Jesus is our creator, He also knows every part of us without exception. As a result, He knows how to reach us when we have lost our way or are desperate for something to hang on to. Your experience is unique but not impossible because we know with God, anything is possible. It just may be that you needed His presence so desperately, He came to you in an undeniable way. You are so smart, so quick, so intuitive…it would be easy to explain or doubt many ways He communicates with others. But, because He already knew what was needed, He acted in a way that was undeniable…in a way you will remember your entire life. We can’t ever know His ways, but they are His and we are to simply trust and rest in them. I am moved to know His love for you is so intense, so deep, so strong that there is no way He wants you to doubt or run from Him. He is doing a most incredible work in you my dear friend…for a purpose we will discover as He chooses to reveal it. Mostly, He is calling you to trust Him without reservation and to cling in spite of all the messes the enemy is tossing your way. Simply cling to Him and He will remain faithful. Most kindly and in His peace,
            Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I continue read Bible, Matthew 10:26-34,and Ephesians that i had mentioned with God armour strong.
            I will look forward to connecting this week.
            Love
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I see you have written a couple things…I’m going to be reading everything and writing back. Hang in there my dear one…you are going to make it…just breathe and light a candle or rest. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I realize I panicked, I apologize for so many thoughts so fast. This connection as it is is comforting. That I am going to be okay. Sometimes my depth of intuition and psychic waves are too much for me to stay grounded and clear. and if something feels not of God I keep praying and I do in fact stop breathing,like hyperventilating breathing as I repeat prayer to God to show His presence within me and rid what ever else not of God Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth.
            Sometimes good to have these abilities,other times I see too much and absorb like a sponge energetically/spiritually.
            I placed broom outside and am going to clean some and may drive out again before coming back to be okay so I can rest.
            Thank you for connecting to let me know you saw my writing.
            Have a good afternoon.
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            You never have to apologize to me for your notes…I understand feeling so alone, isolated, fearful, and unsure of everything in life. You have endured so much pain at such a young age that it’s not surprising you have fear and panic as a default neurologically. However, God knows your neurological system and every cell in your body so He can be trusted with it all. What happens is your autonomic response system kicks in when you feel afraid or insecure; it takes practice to retrain your brain how to think. And I know you can do this. We are reminded in Romans to “take every thought captive”…when you feel that pressure, surge of intensity, rapid breathing, fear, and confusion…you have to mindfully stop and think “The Lord is my Shepherd, He is my keeper, He is my refuge, He is my fortress and I am safe in His care so Lord, I place my life in your care this moment”…it’s almost a mantra to be said until your neurological system begins to chart new pathways for how it responds to perceived threats. Notice I said “perceived”… with PTSD many of our fears are “perceived” and not actual. So you have to say to yourself “I am safe, I am fine, God is with me, I have entrusted my life to His care and he will NOT fail me”. I know there is a lot here but as you begin to practice taking every thought captive, it will become a habit. The last thing I wanted to mention is that you have trusted Christ as your Savior…He is the Light and in Him there is no darkness. The enemy is really nailing you with worries…almost like holding out bait for a fish and you are biting. When you “feel” evil, ask the Lord to direct your thoughts…to help you know what is the truth vs. what you are feeling. Your fears can hold you captive and there is nothing our Savior says that holds us captive when our trust and faith is in Him. So ask Him to free you from ruminating worries and compulsive fears…to take your mind from feelings to truths. You are going to make it through this but there are some mental disciplines you need to cultivate and in this time of quietness, you are free to practice. I so totally believe in you…you have nothing to fear and everything to gain as you rest in Jesus our Savior. All my love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, Thank you so very much for these thoughts .I am going to copy this and have pasted on my email so on my phone i can open over the next hours. It seems I am okay by what you are saying,and my fears have gotten confused and intense and escalated in this process. I believe when you tell me that no matter what He will be there for me, so that is a huge releif for me,that no matter what He is going to remain with me even when it is merely the feeling of not safe. This was really so helpful to hear from you,as I trust your path with the Lord and you would know this truth so well.
            I jsut read 2 Corinthians and was “feeling” captive,so i jsut kept reading.
            I know what i saw in my dream and I know this is real yet I will trust in God to be here for me no matter what now.
            Thank you so much again for these thoughts that are so helpful right now.
            With Gratitude, and Loving Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen, good nite to you there, this is always more difficult when i seem turn head every possible direction and “feel” abandoned or ignored,when no the truth may not be this,and with so many other triggers each direction that yes i biting at the bait for being so much each direction as if each direction hurts to look or see, so i intend to drive to beach 1 1/2 saturday, is my intention to go to a concert at the Georgetown,SC museum outdoors no matter what get myself in car and drive so can be around something good cultural and outdoors and out away from all for day,and unfortunately the concert ends at 8,and then i believe fireworks. I normally would not wannt to drive alone in dark esp some of the back country roads between here and there,but this is my intention. I will trust in God that which is best for me will be and I will be sure to know I will be safe no matter what. I really want to go. I am sad and all but want to do this very much,to have some what would be enjoyable to attend. I will let you know how week goes.
            Thank you again for your effort to connect with clarity of what happening and how to better focus on The Lord as my Keeper and His knowing every cell of me too.
            Thank you
            GOodnite
            Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            Good night to you my dear friend. I want to add one last comment to today’s exchanges. One way you survived the terror and abuse is to think of every way possible to survive. It’s like pushing the gas peddle to the floor for years and years. In so doing, you created ways of thinking and really over thinking because that was your only way to survive. As an adult, free and gifted, able and competent, what kept you safe and sane as a child is now working against you as you overthink or ruminate every detail of life. It is my thought that more than anything, you need to rest…to put your mind to rest and release all the tangled knots of worry and pain to the Lord. You may not need to read scripture and study as hard as you need to rest, sleep, spend time near the ocean, live in quiet peace that God has you. You have to do nothing for His love…He made you and nothing will change His care for you. So my dear friend, put your head down and just rest. Ask the Lord for His peace, for His presence; you don’t have to do a thing but rest. Life will continue one moment at a time…you are safe in His care. Colleen

          • Sand

            Gosh that is so clearly what I did all day..the gas pedal to the floor…yes this is now clear.thank you Colleen for your thoughts of insight and wisdom with all this today. I am going slow down and adk the Lord for His peace and His presence. I already calmed and breathing agsin .I will seek this rest .He is the driver..my Shepherd I need return to clarity and perspective as your insights have helped me return to the foundation and clarity for these times to keep clear and ask show me what feeling and what truth .discipline during old pattern as storm rises in “feeling”so overwhelmed ….thank you again for all these thoughts and ideas to help. I seem more aware of what you have shared so that is for me a sign of growth moving forward with more intention of these disciplines to heLp.and Let go Let God .thank you for sharing so much that helpful.and reminder trust my Savior.He is so present and has this all for me.I am Safe!
            goodnite too
            with love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello COlleen, I wanted to let you know that the good thing is that I fell asleep with Jesus caring Love as I asked Him for peace and rest and He provided both as I fell off to sleep. I think I slept all nite,awakening early and then lyed back down and placed the soft throw blanket around my neck as if it were His warm blanket enveloped around me and I fell back off to peaceful rest of sleep and when looked at clock I was sad as so late,yet I guess I needed it again. It was 9:45am. I “feel” a bit anxious that is the hour because I intended maybe take drive to beach,I may still do no matter the hour. It seems like this cycle is neverending,where i intend to enjoy something yet continously go through cycle of need so much rest and or other times too tired to drive on own. I guess I am saying the peace and rest were remarkable and so needed,and so beautiful really to have been provided such level of comfort and with blanket incredible…I am so grateful, perhaps it ended and I wished it would have been able to go on further….yet for this evenign I will pray for same and I know I will be provided again. .I do realize with awakening that the isolation with hour later than would like to have gotten up today being beautiful weather outside today to drive out somewhere early so it seemed the rest keeping me in cycle here brings such sadness. I also realize that last week i learned my Dad was in hospital for two weeks and that is as well on mind as I no longer call there. I found out not from a brother who usualy keeps me informed however by m Dad calling leaving voicemail of his thanking me for Fathers Day card ,that he was in hospital and just getting home wanted to say thank you,and very weak still. I have not changed my path as I know it will just pick up where it left off so I maintain my guidance of where I know God is directing me to walk. and that is forward toward Him. I am nautious this am as so isolated,and so sad. I know God has provided such comfort and that is enormous, yet here I have not “felt” as sad and lonely I do not think at such the silent level it is right in the now. My unhealthy friend uncertainty and woman friend not there for me this time again, just tears flow of how much longer will it be that I bare such lonliness. Christmas and July 4th are my favorite holidays. I always wanted to sit and watch July 4th fireworks with someone,even my husband did not bond with me on that, i truly have had years of wanting just that, so simple. and nobody ever interested, the excuse was too many people going,do not want to deal with traffic,etc. anyway that is bothersome to me right now. It seems every year I would love to enjoy with someone,and then I seem I scrambling to determine what it is I will do alone,yet want to share so much of the experience with another soul that enjoys me and as much the sparkling in the sky. My x husband and I were married July 6, 1996. I wrote him before June 22nd by email and he never responded either. It is okay, as I know I am in the best of hands, My Savior Jesus Christ,and He is going to continue be by my side,even when I have been lost in confusion of not being able to sense His warmth. It is here with me this morning for sure.
            Have a Blessed Day
            Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            My heart feels sad as I read your words of loneliness. I know cognitively that no time is ever wasted in God’s economy; in my heart I want Him to fill the emptiness with much joy. However, it will come when the time is right in God’s economy, not ours. Until then, we have to think creatively and constructively. That means, you are incredibly gifted and there are many other lonely people out there; what can you bring to their lives? There are women’s shelters, homes with folks who have Ahlizimer’s and mental loss, foster care children…all of whom feel forgotten and displaced. One of my friend used to work in a home for the aged, she read scripture to them, loved on them, and led some of them to the Lord. It was as easy as asking what they wanted…some just wanted to hear music, some wanted to hear the Bible read to them, other’s just wanted someone to sit with them in quietness. And in women’s shelter’s, there are kids who feel lost, confused, abandoned, terrified, and insecure. To show up with a deck of cards and play “go fish” or a matching game, a coloring book and crayons, socks to make sock puppets….it doesn’t take much for kids to feel the warmth and love of one who is genuine and authentic. While the time you have is a gift-to rest, to sleep, to recover-it can also contribute to loneliness if there is too much unstructured time. So I suggest you ask the Lord to lead you to a hospital, orphanage, shelter, home, hospice group…some way you can give back to other’s a little bit of time and a whole lot of love. You have so much to give, Sand, so much to offer…I don’t know when or where but I do believe God is bringing you to a place of giving back, comforting others as you have been comforted. That will be incredibly healing and fulfilling. You are a treasure…never forget that truth! Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to share that the peaceful rest and solitude that God has so much provided overnite and this morning, He also gave me the silence so that I can hear clarity of His voice,and I so heard that to the sadness that what it is that I have learned is that I will recongnize only those relations that are face value of honesty and highest point of love and integrity inward outward to face value,not the face value that many i have known do not exhibit when get to know who they really are. I seek a purity,a real and true honest individual to become my next friend and husband.and other friends I intend to meet witll exhibit the same honest quality,i understand we on Earth are imperfect,but there are those that strive to be righteous for our Lord. I am considering giving one Church a try to see if I connect to the gathering there Wed 630Pm or a bible study wed 10am? I am keeping aware of how to connect to others who may share the same path, in God conscious direction.
            Have a really good day there, I am wondering too how your back is with further days having past, hoping your physical healing has shown signs of encouragement and greater comfort in ease of movement and less to no more throbbing pain that you had prior to surgery
            Love Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I knew this morning what the meaning of “to bathe in His Love”, I was experiencing this and then the energy was distracted and I know by who it was this unhealthy friend. although instead of my believing I need to escape with the “feeling” of fear of this knowledge of an energy that I beleive unsafe at this moment, I said to myself with “discipline” that is a feeling, that I have His Love right here with me and that is why I can trust in His Love and no need escape with fear,He Loves me and will remain by my side. I do have a bit of conflict within me this morning as I was thinking yesterday in full esceleration mode as we discussed that I need leave this house once it is restored, sell and go somewhere to start all over, yet this am I want to leave to go to beach, and I seem “over thinking” it all and now getting confused with where I supposed to be. so I leave it all to my Amazing Lord, My Savior this am,and I will possibly drive to beach for the reason not “escape by fear” but go for the enjoyment of sand for a few hours,toes and ocean sounds, if not today i will be getting there ,perhaps an earlier hour as it is a 1 1/2 hour drive. So if i do drive today i need get going shortly,eat something and drive off. I am so grateful for our conversation and so clear of what I am working through and actually the ultimate key to trust and complete Faith in our Lord. I am happy that you have worked with me on this issue. One of the Greatest lessons and learning that we need not go anywhere when we realize He is with us everywhere and always!
            So grateful for our connection
            With His Love and of His Grace we will go in Peace,
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I know you have written other notes so I’m not sure if you did make it to the coast or not. Either way, I trust your day unfolded as God intended and that you are at peace. I will continue looking for your notes and reply accordingly. All my love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I know this will seem like I not doing my work and placing my full trust in God. I feel out of sorts, I have burned the notes two days that are of irritation, there is a solid block in my liver i can feel and much anger with what I described from last weekend with unhealthy friend visit and what seemed like i have had this heavy energy around me since,as if “cords” strong set in me that I do not feel comofrtable, saging my space,and trying to understand what that is i sensing, perhaps it is of my own energy that here I becoming aware? and then the woman friend shunning me for I visited this individual ,her expecation that her helping me was to “fix “that and what she wanted for me to be rid of him. I hear her although I also know that this person was more loyal to me than her actions in way of providing office to live, and in emergency being reliable. It is the other side of my needing to keep distant boundaries,but I can say still I have forgave him and that does nto mean I trust him in some of thte wways but in ways I can say I would defend him for what God provided through him for whatever reason I am grateful . She does not seem to understand but what she sees,and stated her removal from me in this is because “she cannot fix it”. I copied part of what she wrote after I did confront her by email stating I wanted to understand how she can remove herself from helping me so easily. so maybe there is some understanding i can make of this Some of her comment was, “Just want you to know that I send you love that is pure and too protective. So all I can do is withdraw when I sense danger for you, If you could go back and read all of the notes you sent then read the notes after you had contact with him , you will maybe understand, its like you slip away from truth as he calls you back. So you just need to do what your heart beacons you to do , you have to lead your life your way as you are doing.”. Another part before this was she could not fix it. The part that bothersome and creates anxiety most for me is “So all I can do is withdraw when I sense danger for you,”. gosh that is when I would stand up for someone I love unconditionally,not to expect or control what or who ,simply me,and ways to help me find my way without judgement and abandonment,ways to take better care of myself is such a simple focus without telling me or expecting me to do as one would want ,to “fix it”.
            I need to find my way today in this.
            That reminded me of your experiences,those that could not “fix” Jon or autism, it hurts but I think worse than pain is how abandonment “feels”. I am trying today to come through all this,burn more notes of irritation. the connections I create to help me get through the rough time I am having are not able to “fix” it so leaving me on my own. I feel for weeks now the cauldron of my life and me are too many ingredietns and too much is so mixed up I cannot find the truth otehr than as you say reading and speakign to our Lord.
            I am trying to be able understand how tangling relations is His Blessing in it,but I will trust Him completely now that this is a Blessing for all healthy relations will open up for me and I do have you Colleen on Earth to help me no matter how repeative it is for you to steer me to our Lord and find truth in me asking Him what is real and true of me and for me. and that you accept me so fully as Jesus accepts and Loves me so unconditionally. I am going to bring this to my support group tonite, nobody can speak or give advice there, it is simply open to speak and be heard,and to hear oneself and be encouraged and accepted fully in that space.
            Thank you ,

            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I hear the sadness and sorrow in your voice here…how frustrating and lonely if can be when another is unable to hold their own opinions and ‘self’ thoughts separate from your needs for care, time, and wisdom. I am so very sorry she has been an untrustworthy or perhaps, an unsafe, kind of friend. Most people have one or two close, real, authentic, safe friends because most don’t choose the path of raw trust in Jesus Christ. We like the idea of Him, but the call of let go and obey regardless is very hard indeed. However, you have chosen to rise above it, to move past fake pretenses and into the real realm of God’s mysterious ways. This is a huge and hard step for us all but the fact that you are willing to go there and wait for the faithfulness of God and the fullness He is preparing you for softens the voices of those who don’t understand. I pray our friendship is a sustaining one to you and that God will show you His will and wisdom in the days ahead. Be blessed tonight. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen I cpuld not sleep and delighted to see you are at port in journey to Alaska and your having connection of thoughful kindness expressed. I will be thinking of you and will have full uodate ready. I have appt with Pastor Brian Insight for Living this next tuesday. I am also glad hear your thoughts with idea enjoyed to do with Jon and how it reminded you ito think of doing. And as always comfort with encouragement of seeing my growth and how my seeing grey and all the shifts occuring relationally pulling me closer to Jesus Christ no matter how uncomfortable these realizations of those friends that have not been capable of fulfilling my needs during tough raw time.
            many Blessings. I will miss you.may yes our friendship continue grow. Enjoy your experiences in this journey..may your back be comfortable and all bring great new connections and safe traveling with only whole wellness
            lLove Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I continue to think of you during your time on Alaska cruise. The temperatures probably delightful, to be on the ship and balcony in evening must be most glorious and perhaps even use a light sweater? clear skies are hope for you and bright stars to gaze at. and lots of sunrise and sunsets with prayer of gratitude and peace.
            Upon the water I hope you are well,and beyond the responsibilities that you share with Insight for Living Ministries, I hope very much you have found a delightful getaway ,after long winter months of surgery ,son surgery, loss of Stu,and that in ways that you have connected with new friends and families and have found the refreshing surroundings of God’s Glorious Beauty that always amazes how He created it all, the depth of this alone is so incredibly restoring, so enjoy the remainder of your trip,and may you come home safe and well.
            I did want to share I saw on tv today a pitcher of water where the woman was sharing her idea of ice cubes with raspberries frozen inside water cubes and the ice cubes then added to pitcher of water to serve. This reminded me of our sharing ideas for hydration,and I wanted to be sure to share.
            I do have telephone appt with Paster Brian Tuesday, I look forward to talking with him. I was also happy that my Dr. was able to understand what i was speaking regarding energy and changing energy in my space after unhealthy friend touched things , and where I learned that energy was “consumed” ,My Dr.explained how he “consumed” the energy and with me too it was diffiucult to find myself the days after, so she talked about this a little.I think I remember her saying it is those with poor boundaries that consume energy like this??? so I would need make up on my end with more boundaries……I need confirm that is what i heard and is correct. I will look forward to expanding understanding with Pastor Brian, more how to understand how and how to better protect myself. My Dr. claimed we need develop more boundaries with usually distance as you and I have always spoken about is the way we would need more boundaries with someone that consumes energy in this way.
            Also I will update that engineer did come to my home, I was told house structurally good and this was a relief that once repairs completed it will be okay. and he validated what i have in priority issues here and will provide me with a full report and he has a contracter who he will speak with to see if can help me.
            I will talk with you further next week when I know that you are settled back home.
            Take good care and enjoy the remainder of time you have.I am thinking of you and look forward to maybe a blog post to share the beauty of God’s creation of the Land and Nature of Alaska and what insights found you there along this journey.
            Looking forward to your safe and well return.
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            Just see how great God is…I sent a note to Pastor Brian right after sending you my last note. And now I read you have made an appointment with him…How GREAT is that!! He is a skilled, thoughtful man who is well equipped to answer your theological questions. I pray your time in speaking with Him is filled with understanding and support. This is great news about the house too…that you will have a place that is just fine once the repairs are complete. You have endured my dear one…endured so much and yet still are reaching out as such a shining example of what God calls us to do…to persevere and grow and find our strength in Him. WOW! You are doing it. It is nice to be back from the cruise…we did not have much of a reprieve because my son was so sick and he was there to help with Jon. As a result, we did enjoy a few conversations with friends but for the most part, we were ministering or helping each other. My husband and I did enjoy our little porch area…hearing the waves was so soothing. And yes, I started a blog post about it so you will hear more of it. Sand, I fully agree with your Dr. about the ‘consuming energy’ issues. When a person has little to nothing inside…when they have not developed a well grounded self or identity, they literally suck the life out of others and it is thoroughly exhausting. I would suggest these are tendencies of one who is narcissistic or needs others to feel valuable, important, even ‘better than’. They usually treat other’s in a ‘step down’ position, can be rescuers to make themselves feel better which means they are really not helping the person as much as getting their needs met by believing they are helping someone else. When other’s step away, they feel threatened and angry and will often go to many ends to try and ‘get back’ their control of the person. It’s a mind game that gets very complicated; I’m thinking you are seeing it for what it is and setting firm, unchanging lines of demarcation will be for your survival. You can do it and you will feel a sense of relief eventually. It’s hard to let go but you will gain a sense of self sufficiency or competency that is vital to your growth. I see it happening as you continue to walk over the hurdles like the house and family. You are facing problems, not running from them…do you know how rare that is? You are reaching out for support and expressing very fluidly your needs and people are helping you…this is wonderful to watch as God builds you up and will use you in many ways. I’m thrilled with this note and just want you to know it is an honor to speak into your life. Thank you for allowing me to know you and be your friend. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, yes this was my previous note ,referring again to my realization this was the same department as Pastor Brian, yes tomorrow I will speak with him. The message here you right nails yes exactly what i have been experiencing ,and with greater awareness of what a “narcisitic ” personality is and all that what you described brings to what both you and my dr agree about “consuming” energy. things I never was so aware consciously that are coming forth now. All with our Lord work in bringing me these awareness,providing me the connections to shine the awareness,as you Colleen,my Dr., and now Pastor Brian to expand more on the demonic awareness and meaning of this all. I am so glad that you recommended and how you describe him. It is an incredible amount of information yet i revisited it and have learned about seeing the energy first hand and establishing the questions and concerns by our connection and by bringing some to my Dr where i listen to comment,all to be so much more aware.
            Colleen, I am so glad that you will post soon on blog of your experience on ship. It sounds so busy yet those moments on the porch you mention with your husband are so precious and with all the exhaustion it was provided for you both and with His embrace for you both to enjoy togehter at end of long busy day it seems. I was thrilled to hear what i had thought but uncertain that Jon did travel with you ,as well as other son, and husband too. I am sorry to hear the one son that was to look after Jon was so sea sick for this travel time. It reminds me of seeing someone on roller blades and on a ship no less as a waitrress and hostess , my silly but real and true image of what it was like for some moments, and where to be,and not enough of you to spread out. I know it was handled in the most amazing grace and that the connections would have not ever known so much was happening, but God knew as He provided that little porch that was such a deilght for you both at end of maybe a few long busy days. So I am so glad to know you had this porch and togetherness with your husband. I hope that Jon ,as it seems he was not sea sick, I hope that he had an incredible and well,time.
            I had just written a previous note that I hope you find that couch and comfy space that will provide rest to you now that you are home safe.
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen ,Thank you for your kind thoughts, for believing and having confidence in me as you share,and knowing exactly what it is that God is calling me to do, to persevere and grow and find “strength in Him”. more than ever i am going to scripture,and it is so right and true. All my life i have been driven to be truthful and honest,some would say mean things through life as I wear my heart on my sleeve,or too honest, as if I was weak. I have learned these past few years that I am glad God created me as He has, He so loved the truth and righeousness and speaks in scripture of this. I may need hear Him more clearly with where I easily notice and understand it is what He is asking or directing or guiding me to do, and I am working on this in speaking to Him, praying for this clarity. I am so glad we connected and that you as well recommended Pastor Brian to talk with to help me with this area and more awareness and how to continue protect myself so I can sleep at nite, knowing I am in God hands fully even if not conscious. He knows and will keep me. I read of verse Psalm 23:1? My Lord is my Shepherd, and as I keep repeating to myself when sense need keep evil away ,and that I am, I am of the Holy Spirit. I say these things to myself. and read the scripture that supports my armor, the spirirual Sword,His word.
            With best regards for your returning and settling back to your home.
            WIth Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Thank you Colleen for accepting me with an embrace of warmest sunshine , kindness and unwaivering care for truly what would be best for my wellbeing by God.you are really the first person in my life that I have connected and know what it is like to be so loved…in the flesh as I have also learned spiritially that God so loves me. it is my honor to have your presence , wisdom and friendship that sees me in truest light. Thank you for understanding me and allowing me to open and blossom by the God conscious approach to all you do and with the grace and acceptance that I found in our connection.
            enjoy settling home…
            goodnite
            Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Goodmorning Coleen, I hoping you are home settling in this morning after much travel,so much at home to organize and jump back into routine of things . I was up all nite again. I read Ecclisiastes last nite. I seem to be awakening in high alert mode, i can feel my heart and adrenaline firing as if it will not settle down on this high alert. I read the Bible, speak to our Lord, ask He provide me rest and restful peace through this nite. I hear every noise and keep looking out windown to see nothing. almost terorize myself ,this seemed to have come after that dream about 10 or more days ago, and that conection to unhealthy friend that i then had those dreams. My Dr. told me the dreams were my subconsciours telling me he is very destructive, by the consuming behavior that i had experienced with self ,environment and items. I look forward to speaking to Paster Brian today with intention to understand these energies of others, perhaps demons,and to gain a calm confident demeanor than living in fear i have been at nite so I can have a good nites rest,no fear evil coming for me during my sleep.
            I must be going through a phase. I look forward to sleeping sound and knowing God will provide is a trust I need latch onto, I bring Him close during nite,but this automatic response keeps firing around the moments I working at bringing Him close. And the lonliness as if I needed a hug, so I hugged myself and used the soft blanket that I imagine the warm blanket of God around my neck, the 100 degree temps were even with a/c creating discomfort,so all the above I simply could not find the comfort physically, emotionally, yet I know the most soothing moments were when I was latched onto God presence with blanket, knelt at His lantern at His feet,and asking Him to fill me with His Holy Spirit. I just could not stay focused with what happening with this mental firing whether discomfort physically with temp or sudden alert to a sound,creature maybe a racoon? outside.Have a good day.
            “No man has authority to restrain the wind with the wind, or authority over the day of death: and there is no discharge in the time of war, and evil will not deliver those who practice it.” Ecclesiastes 8:8
            ” If we diligently intercede for our nation, perhspas God will stay His hand of judgement and bring revivial. Beloved, now is not the time to be sleeping. Now is the time to use our weapons of warfare. Clothe youself in His armor,take up the weapons He has given you,and fight the good fight of Faith.” July 6Just a Moment With God by Kay Arthur, inspirational daily table calendar….
            .I found interesting I had not picked up and read lately,and it was on July 6th still and this was the verse, all of which where I am in my growth.
            Have a good enjoyable day returning to what you have in routine and home.
            With Faith,Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to let you know that I did speak with Pastor Brian, he is certainly how you described and so much more, for his listening and so fine tuned to what happening with me as a whole, esepcially my mental and emotionally wellbeing struggling, with concern as a whole for core of sleeplessness, to be aware possiblilities pysiologically as well what can be causing insomnia. He shared much more time than I had ever imagined. I am so grateful for this resource. With my lacking sleep , I truly was not so focused although with his ability and skill,and knowledge with wisdom, he was able to provide gently for me with the true core need that will ultimately answer all my questions, with the one very important solution of stability and security,the foundation that I have been working on so diligently, with you and your help Coleen, yet lately I have been more aware of how great this instability and insecurity is in my identity. He clearly heard in our conversation that the Foundation of Identity in Christ,my learning the true meaning of the Gospel will resolve much of what i am struggling. Much of what I see in others, if not of God, do not affect who I am with the Lord and my living with Christ , I really need to work on this and by working on what has been provided by Pastor Brian and from our connection shared I know that all is going to be focused for that which is greatest/and greater solution to that and really all which I have been struggling.My community is growing in Christ direction and guidance. I am grateful
            My reading Ephesians is very much on course of what he would have suggested,so I will continue to read,and he shared multiple other Chapters and verses,and will forward me compiled material. He touched on so many verses that help with my trusting in safety of my soul. It was one hour and half we spoke and filled with information that I will read through notes and further review the email of attachements. Thank you for directing me to speak with Biblical Counsel and I am happy to have had this opportunity to speak with you about all this and Pastor Brian. He said a wonderful prayer at end.
            With Gratitude and Love,
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you again for these thoughts of kindness,and that when i re read it just now I realized the thought maybe did not reflect in as much as just now, that “…this is wonderful to watch as God builds you up and will use you in many ways”, that which you have said is encouraging for me, it means so much in that maybe i am just beyond the long road of stripping all of me and my old life down and away with what not serving my Highest Divine purpose to have relationship in God, and God is beginning take the new clay and building me up now into what he has intended, the truth he wants for me.
            This means alot how you care so much ,and I realize it is for so many, not just me, yet it always feels that special and personalized and uncondtional, that is the beauty of your grace. This means alot tonite as I was “feeling” still using that word as my Psychologist told me feeling was vulnerabliity, and to be in touch with what i am feeling? Brene Brown philosophy is how my Psychologist teaches me…..well, I was feeling a bit like a misfit, my brother always called me a misfit, he always thought it was funny. I never did fit in and I really never fit in anywhere. I guess I was a bit down or critical of self with awareness of seeing how unstable and insecure I truly am,and how long it seems that I have been now, it is a bit overwhelming to realize and hard real and true acceptance of what i always believed was good for me was not desired by Almighty God for what true for me. I know nothing has happened that was without God ‘s will for me. I will trust that God is working on,whether it took me longer to hear Him? yet for He does want me to be so close to Him and my learning my indentity in Christ is exactly what fits so right,as I know deep within my purpose has always been on truth, now i can place focus on where it was intended, on Jesus Christ? I would love to know He loves me and provide to Him a good example of how I will live out the remainder of my life.not seeking reward yet I would love to please Him and know this is who I am? I believe this is who He intends for me to be, as I would not believe He has taken me this far to be someone different? I know that sounds odd. I am working through this process. I do have spiritual tendencies and intuition as I have shared and do want to keep that part of me with me even though not in His word any mention. although in the Bible it does mention these conversations that for me I relate to being Spiritual intuition, Peter? even when viewing on AD THe Bible Continues when series was on tv, I loved this program, and these conversations a big part of Spiritual guidance of God. I want to fit is all. I know God will do what He has planned and I will be following.Thank you as always for your confidence that I will have the strength to follow this path to where being led.
            Goodnite, Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I know there are so many thoughts of late. I have had tears of crockodile again flooding face this morning. I guess this is what I heard in your voice of “if I continue to stay the course, I willl see this through to a renewed self”, as with this morning thoughts surfacing around the same concept of what “craziness” of conflict authority from when first walked and talked, if allowed contact would be the same today. I am what I would call grappling with memories of how mixed messages of security and why i did not feel safe . One thought is how my first (excuse me for being so open) gynological checkup I went to appt on my own and was in late teens, perhaps just before 20. I recall returning and my mother sitting in living room with brother in law”pedophile” that abused me and another sister and I am sure my necies who have showed signs to me and my sister. None of which has been acknowledged in family nor accepted that this is truth,nor my truth i have made attempts to bring out clearly. Anyway, that particular afternoon way back, as many moments were so similar, I returned home where my mother in her denial and lacking awareness, asked me in front of this brother in law pediophile how my visit was with dr? Now this is how they function into this day,If I did not respond at that time, I would have been accused by both as behavior “pins up on antoher in this environment”, if I had not responded I would have been accused of oh, she not talking, as if I was unacceptable,which happened so very often from both parents to me,as I made no sense of their behaviors,and tried at those times to not be present,a wall of protection,and when adult began talking out right for myself,which it then did become stronger that I was so unaccpetable,and such the “terible daughter, sister,aunt”.which tenchincally continues as you know from my other postings where my oldest sister children now have taken on their parents,(oldes sister and pediphile) denial and misplaced anger and hate of me,me truly for wanting to protect my precious neices and their children,yet all in denial still and she teamed up another sibling and his wife,and the bitterness was in a room of quiet whispers and such hatred and evil calculating stares at me during whispers amongst these few “teams”,at the last time i had been there probably now 4-5 years ago?……all denial with dystunction unchaged, no definition is clear in this type of environment, it is just so mixed up at so many levels ,a place where psychologically cannot keep up where i had just felt the different levels of what inappropriate and mixed up…….that is why i share this one example of so many, that signify the multiple layers that I am dealing with within my own being of finding clarity and peace from what was so many levels what I do not say as a victim ,i am trying not to be the victime, yet from a place of pain and hurt,and expressing what I think need come out,and continue look at in my own healing, a healing in empowering oneself, myself that I maybe can touch another life as you mentioned, maybe someone that need some level of empowerment or acknowledgement in what may be a similiar way.
            Thank you for a place that I can express in truth and reality always, knowing I am embraced so fully no matter what. I know all what coming up is a true sign of healing,and I will know this too shall pass,with so much more awareness,although painful as surface, it must come out.
            Thank you, With Love and Peace,
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            My heart hurts for you my friend. So many, yes, so many conflicting emotions as the thoughts and memories surface. It is so hard to lower the intensity because you have now opened the ‘flood gates’ and the waters are raging. That is only for a season….it will not always be flooding as you will begin to learn new ways of coping and living. I know you have written other notes so I’ll get to those but for this note, I have two thoughts. First, you were considering your therapist choice and maybe needed to change to a Christian therapist. I definitely think my growth was dramatically helpful because I had a theologically sound therapist. Now, there are many theologically sound and not healthy therapist out there so this requires much prayer. And, I think for the overwhelming emotions you have, you need a more consistent time with a therapist who will help you though these rough and tumble tides. I would also suggest thinking about EDMR therapy. It’s a form of therapy that requires brain training on the therapist side….in other words, a specialized EDMR trained therapist…who deals with abuse, trauma, and repressed PTSD memories. It has shown to be very helpful and I have a well known therapist friend-actually several-who could help find a good one hopefully in your area. I won’t ask and certainly wouldn’t give too much info without your consent, but it is worth praying over. Second, most avoid acknowledging reality and dealing with life because they can’t tolerate this process…the part now that you are in which is very hard. Instead, they ruin others lives and their own life by getting you to believe YOU are the nutty one, not them. AND, it’s a power play to pull as many people into the game as possible. Of course the abuser is being believed, of course your family members are pointing their crazy fingers at you, of course the children are agreeing with them…children grow voices and the loudest ones we believe are from our parents…good or bad, right or wrong, light or darkness…children have no reference point except their home as they are young. It’s only when we branch out-if allowed-that we discover words like abuse, incest, not normal, rape, and so on. It’s a wonder you “escaped” truthfully. Most of the time, the cycle continues to be multigenerational because abusers take such power and control away the other’s are not courageous enough to move out and seek help. BUT, this is exactly why I find your spirit so thoroughly courageous, tenacious, rare, driven for truth, persistent, and fantastic. In spite of all going against you, you are standing for the truth and for what is right. What is right is to say this was “WRONG”, a violation, you hurt me and I will not play baby games or be overpowered by your intimidation which is so false anyway. They project to be big and solid on the inside but it’s a ‘straw man’….no filling. Your intuitive self will not allow you to run from the truth so you must and are facing it with GOD’S strength. He has allowed you to be brought low so HE can lift and fill you up. It’s all God’s work…and you are following the course with His strength. So cry and grieve when needed knowing He promises to pull us through the rapid, rushing waters…they will not overtake you promises the prophet Isaiah. You will see new life emerging as the old life passes. It’s like body cleansing…you are purging the muddy, impure, infested waters out and putting in God’s healing waters. He is the water of life as He told the Samaritan woman at the well. Drink from the truth and you will never go thirsty again. That is His everlasting truth. So seek His word about who you are….not man’s word but God’s for it is a light to our feet and a lamp to our path (says Ps 119).l Much love and care, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you again for the most incredible thoughts of complete understanding, gentle encouragement and wisdom that takes me always to a refreshing new space and place in my growth. I need to share that it is remarkable still how our connection is bringing me more growth than my current therapist has in one years time. She is terific and has served a great incredible purpose and I do not treat that lightly. It seems that there is a repeatitive motion occuring there now that I growing more from my connection with our connection, and it has me offering myself a check at this perspective of growth, and yes I wholeheartedly hide nothing when it comes to your sharing what you have gathered from our connection with who you may believe can guide me to someone that is open to someone like me with different group of gifts too, as my intuition,and that being a part of who I am and God given,that not of illusion or “hallucinaton” of mental kind, but very real and for many times that what I have in intuition comes true, there may not be any verse in the Bible referring to these characteristics, although I believe that there are for the messages heard in Peter or Paul ear from God, and I know as I read more of His word that this I will read as a real truth of some that are more “aware” than maybe others. I know that who you will steer to guide will be God driven, God has connected me with you and I am posiitive that this if His guidance that you would offer another connection for greatest intention for me betterment. I will accept and see where it leads. Colleen, I have been praying to God, and at His feet beside Him and His lantern at His very foot, that I still until I am without doubt that it is His guidance of my very next step,and I am patient not matter how painful my waiting is, I am obendient to His will in direction for me. So I love that you have mentioned this here today. I did cry myself to sleep last nite, such tears that I can only describe as pain, I even turned over to find my cell phone and looked up the word “lonely”, and it did include words that I would not have imagined to who I would be with this word so raw, sad, and it went on disconnected, some others I do not recall at this moment,but it was heart wrenching for me as well to read these words that so describe and those I would have wanted to have trusted over time, I recall pain in that how could I have believed those that did would not have done the harm that had. So I continue this course. I am getting lab work done Monday and Tuesday, I travel only to Mayo Clinic as I established myself with dr’s and care there, it is 5 hour drive, i set myself all appts needed in a few days time,and I will intend to go to a beach beside Jacksonville Mayo location, while there, even if Colleen I need to stay one more nite, I need this time especially at the ocean , so as long as God will guide me during this trip to Jacksonville,Florida Mayo Clinic, I will find the hours at a beach ,I intend to see Ameilia Island which is only 30 mintues from where I will be for medical update. I am 50 and if ever something over the next years would need attention at least i have my record there. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2003 in Rochester Minn Mayo and have trusted this system . I found prior to 2003 if I saw a dr. it was stirring so much anxiety as they would order a test and go make appt with next dr, and next dr, and going to Mayo Clinic for diagnosis at that time with a pile of records, I was told that they see this often, and it ended up being PTSD, so much time and anguish from all those appts I had and tests that uncomfortable, the drs that were local and all testing thought i had MS and then said i had an automrumine inner ear disearse,but after Mayo, it seemed all that was a circus so i keep it as simple for me to drive the 5 hours every few years and /or more if all okay, but with all my stress I need this update,and have a leftover appt for Endocrinology that I had wanted a few years back but will have next week when return.
            Thank you for your patience and understanding me so well,and incredible insight with wisdom,and for offering maybe a new connection for Christian Therapist that can help build this new foundation where I can find indentity in Christ firmly for my greatest security and stability. I will stay the course,.
            With Love
            Sandra PS I am sorry to ask this , for some reason did you have a Birthday or anniversary celebrated this weekend? For some reason I had to ask as it was something I sensed??? I apologize if nothing like this occured. It just seemed I needed to ask you for a reason?Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            I am anxious to hear what happens to you during this trip. I hope you are able to go and find some answers…to have someone care and provide the comfort you are needing on this pursuit of wholeness and happiness. God’s peace to you my friend. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, I will look up EDMR as well. I know that the Psychologist that i currently have been seeing, she always told me that she concerned about me remembering what I have repressed,for she claimed I remembered enough and all that I needed to . She always stated that her concern for me to remember more was for a reason that my brain would not allow is to protect me ,and that if something remembered in a therapy that puts me to deep sleep that she concerned with my fragility mentally that I would not be able to come back ,that it would be too much for me as my brain protecting me from remembering . This I am not sure if EDMR ? I need be cautious when it comes to anything like “hypnosis”. I will look up EDMR . I have had so many years of major blockage of memory, it frightens me in way of I have to agree with Psychologist that some things I would not be able to cope with overwhelming awareness and left for when naturally if did come back to me. This does not mean I am not interested in pursuing the connection that you speak of. I simply wanted to make that truth known that I am a very fragile being in this way,that I believe blockages there by my being for I cannot handle what that is. My sister that was abused told me some years back that she was abused to help me that I was not “the crazy one” in the family, although we do not have contact for she in that mess and opeates with the munipulation and acceptance and “keep quiet and forget all that is WRONG” so we do not have a solid relationship ,although I was grateful at that time for her trying to help me,and shocked what she told me, in that she remembers all of it. She remembers all,and she claims it went further with me by what I shared with her that did occur,although it was more than the “games” played sexually in her life,she claimed some things that the pedophile said to her that yes he played the same game with me, that I do not remember that part happening. so there are so much confusion with all this and great overwhelming teribly things I may not be able to cope with in reality. I am sorry if I babbled on about this. As you have said flood gates seem to be open reveal so much more than most would discuss or share. let alone face head on. Thank you for being so supportive and letting me know so much only a season and that I am so on a good healthy course..THank you again Colleen,
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I do not find you ever babbling…I find you trying to make sense of a totally chaotic, insecure, unstable, abusive environment in which you had an enormous gift of intuition that kept you sane and yet conflicted you in many ways. I don’t hear fear…I hear concern. I hear respect for your therapist, respect for her counsel, and respect for you ability to handle what is at hand. That is the great quandary…where does God want me to will go, to explore…and when is the timing right? I don’t have those answers…I do know that He leads us in safety and security so if there is anything that feels unsafe or insecure, it is not worth pursuing. So I would wait for a sense of peace until making a decision. He promises to lead us and guide us as we wait. So I’m with you my friend…wait until there is peace. Much love to you, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, welcome home. I see you may have returned. I watched the interview of Joni Earickson Tada, so much to learn from. The huge message i take with me today is “humiliiation” and how she responds, the idol in her case she describes as pride that Jesus casts off the idol and it falls off shelf to floor, with humiliation…..*I recently took this thought to my dr. looking for understanding,and she was kind and wanted to understand what i was saying but did not truly know what i was speaking and feeling, i mentioned i heard on radio someone living in tent after a separation of his wife and he was not letting anyone know he was homeless,getting dressed going to work,but called Christian radio station saying he hears Christian music in am and what getting him through,,,,,,,i teared up and thought, I understand, the complete removal of pride,and that is what i have been struggling and understood then that is recently what is distressful for me,I understood this person as not all will and Joni speaks of exactly what i understood,although I can never understand her disablitly and terible pain in every morning getting cleaned or having accidents in her pants, yet I understand the “humiliation”, the real and true part of pride being entirely and totally removed,striped of pride i call it. ) further she says Thank You for the humiliation becasue she wants to be humble before our Lord. What an amazing perspective with verse 1 Corinthians Chapter 1″ that the follish things in this world that God has chosen to shame the wise” and to boast in the Lord in it. Remarkable thoughts shared in this interview, remarkable woman, I am grateful for her sharing her weakness and how she so responds with amazing wisdom,and grace. She has been blessed to have such dear friends of Jesus Christ from such a young age,remarkable woman and experiences of uncondtional love. I will continue to embrace Jesus ,praying on learning how to live so fully and in His Joy.and to learn scripture as easy to recall and speak His truth.I love her last words, so Thankful and grateful for her wheelchair and pain,and then to ask give it all to Hell in end.
            Colleen I so much wish I could be a member of your Dad church, the singing chorus is so beautiful.and i have not wanted to be so connected.Thank you and your Dad.
            Best regards today
            Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            Oh my dear one…I missed connecting with you so much. It’s wonderful to hear from you! Thank you for waiting and writing. I’ve not been able to respond to all your notes but plan to spend time working on that today. I pray you are well, that you are finding peace in the midst of much internal chaos, and that the Lord is pulling you through this long season of loneliness. You are so precious and valuable…only one SAND in this world…what an honor to know you! Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I have an ear to ear smile on my face to see your note, i have just found and will read the others as well. And perfect timing as yes my soul seems to be aching today. whether the lonliness question of when Lord will I be ready to receive all your Glory in new harmonious relations that are unconditional as in Our Lord Jesus Christ. After viewing the interview with Joni this morning, I am a little hard on myself for complaining about really anything that i have, for her interview with your Dad was incredible. How she has become the glorious soul she has, and I thought that it was because of all the Love that she unwaiveringly had from such unconditional ways through unconditional loving peers and an amazing husband that married her to provide the same unconditional love through his own connection with Jesus. I know I am exactly where God has me,and He knows me and He continues to provide and mold me with my heighening awareness of these glorious people before me, even like you Colleen, an amazing woman filled with compassion and grace. I love to listen to those that know God word so well, as you always share also with me exactly what in life this relates to in scripture. I was awake last nite, not sleeping well this week,and found myself continuing to reread Ephesians and rereading and asking the Lord to fill me with His Holy Spirit and then reading scripture of Ephesians Armor of God. I seem to have been on guard at nite after that dream so frigthening a few weeks back. I do speak with Pastor Brian tomorrow at 3pm. I know this will help settle any thoughts that are still unsettled with anyone coming to take my soul that not GOD.
            I guess a stage or phase I am going through.
            I do look so much forward when you are settled and caught up at work, maybe a post about your Alaska cruise, something sensational, something filled with the sense of breathe taking wholeness,or connection that really came home with you as a wonderful memory of your travel.
            So glad to connect,
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen , I did read your other notes and have alot to work throught today,and I know I will be led to where i can give,with highest point of love and intention to be good for all. I know I will be hearing where that is soon. Thank you for your support and acknowledging how lonley it is especially with these relations that are either unsafe or abandoning me for not a clear good fix in it all.
            Thank you
            With Love and needingto find Peace, I will ask the Lord to provide me peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            hello Colleen I wanred give you update with today.I did go to the meeting. i found out I will be teaming up someone I comfortable with to speed up process of going through excetcises together from book reading…in this meeting as group I spoke my reality…and stated I came to this point trying maintain some support with my normal being isolated and finding all relatinshios shifting to bring in what seems be blank slate .. and this one friend now doing what she did in past …abandoned me…but who I had to reach out to for a tIme. so letting go family and the little few friends that lettong go I am struggling…I almost cried but simply said I am struggling and I know this group and book is good and thst I will get to the other side as all having been better for me.At end of group two woman approached me to connect by email as said saw my pain and if want to talk ….I could not seem to accept for a few reasons…uncertainty as i dO not know them…one a recovering alcoholic and uncertain will I be getting close to similat issues I have had with the unhealthy friend..family….why I will ask my dr these relations will be any different than my alcoholic unhealthty friend who beginning work on himself…will there be same tebdencies I nit ready reintroduce with new conracts….I have such conflct now as who to open up to and know I need to . I am going to need to ask God what to do and how to work throigh this. I cried the entire 45 minutes home in dark ….minus maybe 15minites…before drove home I sat out at coffee shop and that was good to sense my freedom…then in car I knew angry and on way home I cried and even screamed at one point to get it out…I know I thought on way amidst emotions rhat honestly that you Colleen the only truely one I truly believe cares….My Lord and God and you. That was good to be aware….and I am so grateful to know thus truth in my reality.
            Thank you…have a happy July 4th…good time of year. .I hope that you enjoy.I will give you update again soon.take good care this weekend.
            . with love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I was awake and reading 1peter ending 1peter 2:20-25. I feel I can rest here for a little while. I intend go toward ocean saturday for 4th july and see free concert and fureworks. I do not like driving alone in dark bur will gavw cell phone and keep lights on at hone for my return. I hipe to follow through as to get there and safely . I will be listening through my healing of how can I serve….I have somewhere intended for me. Have a good day
            With love and peace
            sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen.in this early morning hour after reading 1 Peter I had natural flow of peaceful conversation with Our Lord .imcredible I wanted share. I found myself speakimg that He is my only Master that He my Shepherd and I His sheep I sit close to His feet and lantern for my guide. It flowed from my heart a peace and comfort this will be all I need to know. I listen to nothing other than He…my staying close humbly at His feet and lantern comforted by His blanket of warmth .LOVE. and waiting on His guidance and step.
            many Blessings this day will come
            in the Holy Spirit
            love and peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Hope that you enjoy a good July 4th. it is rain overcast here,my intention has been to go to ocean area where later concert and fireworks,driving back in dark. yet this weather not too pleasant,and if storms as it has with severe thunderstorms each day at some hour ,will it be not worthwhile to have driven the 1 1/2 hour to get there? So uncertain if this is what i will be doing.somehow i think i am just going to go? i know i have not slept well and rest would be taking good care again,it would only be repeating what been doidng for years on end now,rest and being alone,so that is why i may just go? I will let you know this week how all goes.
            And yes from past conversations I do now understand demons in people, uncertain how they get there spriitually or rather how they are with personality disorder of not showing in all behaviors and not admitting to them,but on spiritual level some powerful entity i mentioned last week that seen,and have been trying gather information online and nothing,but sitting with it for this week,and severing ties again, still know what i saw and believe it what i learning to know does exist. I still have more information that i seeking. I know God will provide as He is my Keeper and protector of me as I learn about people…..not having the social aspect developmentally nor having what true and real of God surounding me, I may have known Jesus was so close as I recall Light in early teen or just before teenage in room that I seemed aware not alone truly, but it was not something I learned to be able to share….these are probably the hardest things to learn to know at this age to shield full armor,not everyone is what they seem even in the world outside the family I had.I need keep in perspective and know Gratitude for God showing me,teaching me,molding me to live by His example ,at least to always strive to live by His example.
            Have a good day ,
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,

            I’m so sorry I’ve not been able to connect ; we are going on the Alaskan Cruise with Insight for LIving and I’ve been preparing for that.
            However, I did want to get a note off to you and tell you a couple things. I’ve not read you previous notes so I’m not positive all that is involved with the demonic concerns you mentioned. What you do need to know is that a Christian can be oppressed by demonic influences but cannot be POSSESSED by demons when Jesus Christ is in you. The Lord emphatically calls us to make no room for the enemy…no “foot hold”…to forgive, to put our trust and faith in the protection and care of Jesus Christ our Savior who have dominion and power over all beings. Since I don’t know all you have looked into regarding demonic possession or are wondering if that is part of your struggle, I can’t directly speak to your concern. What I am saying is that as you go into any study of the demonic world, I hope you will be very cautious with whom and with what you read or consult. I urge you to contact one of the pastoral counselors at Insight For Living. (972) 473-5000…they have some excellent material and counsel related to the Christian and Demons. There are so many false beliefs, false teachings, false practices that can lead to great confusion. My hope is that you will seek truth and God’s word through a wise pastor or teacher…many at Insight can help.
            Also, there are materials my dad has written on demonic activity and those may help as well. I’ve been exposed to many false religions and the confusion can be great. Its also one way the enemy can distract and distort our thinking which takes us fully off course. So I’m writing because of my love for you and concern than you receive Biblical truth in a solid way.
            We are getting ready to leave so I can’t go into any more detail but for now, please know my heart is with you, I will be interceeding for you on behalf of your needs and longings for truth, direction, freedom, and joy.
            May God’s peace fill you with His presence today.

            Much love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, I treasure your thoughts and this has been so greatly hugely helpful in all ways. I first want to express wow, you are going on the ALaskan Cruise, wonderful. and what a pleasure I know with the heat of south to escape to where most comfortable temps will be,and I look so forward to hearing about your travels.Stay well and keep hydrating! for your travel and return home safely.
            I will have you in my thoughts.
            yes you have amazingly touched on my “confusion” of sorts, that is what the energy wanted,me to be confused. I have strong Faith and that was not any part of my concern for me in the way I keep close to Jesus and have only been praying more with His Love, keeping Him close as what I wanted beleive is my armour,and this is what you have once again answered that as long as I have HIm in my heart and soul I am safe. I will contact the pastoral service at Insight for Living as I still would like my final confirmation of one very specific question,when I am dying to pass on,and no longer conscious, I want to hear that at that time nobody can take my soul/Light away ,that Jesus will be faithfully there to keep me with Him and that is where my Heart and SOul long to be with Him and All His Glory and Love ,Light Blissful Joy and incredible Peace. I think you have ansered this clearly although I will speak to counselor to be certain of this one specific issue.
            I am most grateful, your rushing around preparing and so kind to have let me know and to have answered the greatest question, that He will protect me,Keep Me with my having Him so close and within my heart and SOul. no matter what comes into my personal space ever.
            Much Love and Gratitude, may you go in Peace and return in Peace,and wellness.
            LOVE Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen, to clarify all i wrote, your note specifically brings me to what or how to ask my question……..it has to do with “how is a Christian oppressed?”,what i need be cautious of ?,that is essentially root of what i need to know. I have kept most to myself for I want what is true and real and the computer does not specifically speak of what I knew your persepctive and the counselor too will be very specific in telling me. and too much reading onlly more confusion not specific to answering my quesition. Then i can let go,in fullest of understyanding and knowledge ,,,,know what to look for that i do not become oppressed by any outsider energy,and if that is only me to oppress my own self not any one else that can do this? I thank you again,
            Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            Our Biblical counseling department has some excellent material on your question of a Christian being oppressed. Because they know the subject better than I do, I will connect with them and get back to you on this. It is very hard to sort through so don’t feel odd for not understanding it all…this is why we have a Biblical department…many don’t know or understand and this is essential to our lives. I’ll send you some info when I get it pulled together. Colleen

          • Sand

            Thank you so much Colleen, I will look through,and as you say i may need to sort through and go back to read more later. I love that you have so many resources there at Insight for LIving. I think I would probably at my stage be sitting in the Biblical department daily and like that time you were researching, i may find myself so exhausted that i am calling for our Lord to provide rest and sleep. I truly will give myself time to go over,
            Thank you
            Love Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen, I do have the Pastor appt tomorrow, and I do realize that you have just returned,so much to do to settle back home. I would love to examine further what you will pull together, when you come upon this information easily ok. This is as well what i will speak to Pastor Brian about tomorrow,as you had recommended with this that i could call this counseling department, that i just realized is the Biblical counseling department that you are speaking of. Togehter i know I will have the information necessary for my greatest awareness.
            Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            I was wondering how your talk with Pastor Brian went. Just when you have time…I was praying yesterday for your phone call. Have a lovely afternoon. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, I am still in a new place since speaking, a type of amazement how I was so unraveled and my norm would have not done anything but sat in quiet until I was more full of my normal self,at least who I think I am in the midst of so many changes, literally transformations. I have a new sense of excitement somewhere in the mix now, that I can continue forward and seeing something is really happening,I may not be able to put a finger on exactly but I sense it! I remembered too amongst all the material, scripture read with Pastor Brian,and what he will email,and links he shared so kindly of Insight for lIving live ministry,and what recalled,was he did say he will provide some resources of Christian counseling,as I mentioned the same to him,that i was seeing this is important for me to look at. I know he told me there was no obligation of a donation. I am going to leave donation ,along with book in recent email attached with donation, the book will be added is I think called “How to Meet Husband?Spouse?” to be prepared on this journey forward what to be conscious of in new healthy harmonious real and true relations of Christ.
            I will also be looking fort Walking on Eggshells and The GIfted Child, if it was Dr. Townshend, that would be one of my favorite learned Christian authors learned by your recommendation of the book I read , “Hiding From Love”. Colleen I am so grateful for your openness and sharing your own experience that so relates and encourages me. God has so provided this very connection. I cannot express how sound this is for me,and so incredibly amazing He is in His work. If there are others who will benefit by reading my journey too, it is all so very incredibly amazing how he connects us and transforms us,at His exact timing. So Thank you so much again!
            There is so much more going on than I have even shared. After that epiosde with sense of darkness in my house after friend had visited some weeks back, i had blocked my phone and email, there was one secondary email i left open. I have received cards thinking of me. After speaking how i feel in this space I am in, uncertain of who I am, I requested that we not connect personally, if anything professionally through his office if there was a reason to do so. I had just received in secondary email that he had resentment of me. In the midst of this hamster mill, or whirlwind of so much, I thought how yes the domino falling is happening very quickly lately,with female old friend, who I consider an aquintance for God did provide at a time, although she abandoning me for not being in what she saw as what she wanted for me in the now, rather than allowing me to process and transform ,and learn in process what I was guided here to learn in relations, anyway, long story short, that relationship ended for this time,and in turn I place stronger boundaries on this other friend,and then seen as a resentment. So it is amazing that I have the clarity right now that I do,and a sense of confidence that I know wholeheartedly at this very moment that this is “the domino effect”, and leading me to this greater place, and knowing God as I haave learned He is changing all those who are in this mix of transformtiaon, incredible! I know where I am stepping, into His word and letting all to be in His Hands, is all I can do.
            I look forward to having even more clarity and focus,and sounding what i heard in your voice, a pure heart, that is my truest goal and intention. I always thought I had that, I know my voice was not who I am,but trying to keep up with the speed of all changes taking place, yet even the “old voice” of me, I may have believed pure ,yet pure of Christ is still to come and I look so forward to hearing that in my voice completely, when all settles for the most part and I can see and serve completely.
            Have a good evening, enjoy Home! and rest well.
            Glad to connect with you.
            With Love and Peace,
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I was up again last nite, distressed about something that happened last evening, as i was so settled and believing i was unwinding for good nites rest, a boundary again was not heard,and unhealthy friend showed up at door without invitation. I did not open,he left off a book,a “Christian” book, on why difficult people come into our lives? The issue that created “displeasure” after looking up anger online synonym was suited for my feeling. Serious displeasure when someone cannot hear what i have asked so many times, do not come onto my property unless invited! It so much overcame what was left at door in this book. I tossed and turned. I did read book in nite hours of being awake. If only boundaries were respected it would have perhaps changed the way i received a little book. For me the word dichotomy comes in handy. And looking up this word, its synonym, polarity but much better would be conflict! to bring to my Lord.
            Anyway,sorry, I will say for pleasure I providing this link that maybe a little fun to view, a Boys Choir sings “meow” sounds. I thought if your daughter vet, she too may find some small joy in viewing too.

            Best regards, I do look forward to continuing to look up feelings, I love words and looking at definitions and synynoms, always has been a part of my being to enjoy this, so good idea. And I will begin looking through the scripture that Pastor Brian provided,and continue my journey. I am so happy that we share so many similar thoughts and interests,and experiences that may differ although bring us common threads. So glad we connected. I can not recall all of which that was shared of an individual that you know that was lost in Faith, I hold whoever this is in prayer,and know that if you are working along side of her, she will be opening up again, no doubt with your kind heart and unconditional love and support with grace and encouragement and tremendous wisdom shared.She is genuinely in great hands to be able to come to the Light of awareness to see God has her in His hands and this through you she will see how He has so guided your connection and has her exactly where she is designed to be. I embrace you today Colleen for your amazing work , who you are! tremendous woman I know and I am the one honored to be in your presence and friendship.(with our interest of words, I would love to play a game of scrable with you, I am positive you would win but it would be the journey in doing so with you, so much fun,and I would learn so many words from your brilliance I know it! thank you for this idea to help understand what I am feeling, identifying with myself better more securely?I believe is what i heard you say)

            As always I share with great Love and Peace

            Sandra
            If unable ot click and view, perhaps can copy and paste to view..enjoy a little humor of boys meow.they had fun I can tell.
            http://news.therawfoodworld.com/choir-boys-meowingwhat-funny/

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I am awaee I have expressed so much in thoughts. I am awake again this nite…have done all to help resr and simply have not found. Speaking of Walking on Eggshells some things came to mind in our mention of being yelled at or scolded for placing something in wrong place no matter what or where.every step in every second of my living was in fear of being so wrong..constant tension walking on eggshells…what came to mind was my father always wanted a “bent” fork set at his table place…yes a bent fork…..if not there he would get angry. And how we know he likes this fork …my thought is not to be cruel but literal un that what sickness is that to want a bent fork. He claimed it was the comfort in hand. My intention is to share this as from young time of life mentally I registered and many other sick processes being around I knew I was not safe and yes found in survuval to walk through eggshells and ever so fragile surroundings that made no sense to a sick sense . I survived .what I would describe as craziness I needed dodge all angles that were i always kept hidden what knowledge for me being real and true inside myself.nobody to talk to openly and honest of who I was….. as focused on this survival of constant caution steps In a tiniest action like even answering a phone..if did not answer in speed expected or placed back in wrong place…kaos could take place. Even where placed shoes if slighyly in way or mother would be disgruntled and disapproval of food item placed on wriong shelf in refrigerator
            I must have needed to express as in present life awareness that I have been paralyzef I am seeing to do any thing as this fear so inscribed …something by our concersation will help me bring to surface and speak to God to help me remove and accept and receive relations not based on fear. To remove those based on fear.
            I do also realize I do seem to be listening to gut in that the Visits this year accumulated with my dr. I do not see as much growth or result as this one week with our connection and Pastor Brian. Something I need look at closely with God abput .
            have a good renainder of weekend
            with loving grace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen, All the years of my therapy, and the word seeking guidance by yourself for me to look at meaning of a feeling word,and synonyms,and wow. it clears it all away for the time of creating positive space in my core identity.wow is all I can say, I literally am not smiling with joy of some kind,or relief,or acknowledgement of me at core self, i looked up what came to me in expressing last thoughts/of painful memories/treatment, “incongruent”, oh my goodness, to look and see these words,and to click on more, dissonant, and then see more, “confilcting, unharmonious” “inconsistent, unmixable” the list goes on and one. The biggest alarm is look at antonyms, all which I am seeking in Christ and the new identiy in Christ, “harmonious!!!!!!”
            harmonious
            coinciding
            compatible
            complementary
            concordant
            consonant
            similar
            I am so grateful with which you have shared with me Colleen, I am going to pick up a new journal of rainbow color on front,and this will be my very own word journal of feelings,and yes cut and paste somehow or simply write them? i do not have a printer is why I may not be able cut and paste them easily, i do like this idea better yet I will see where I am led with this new opening. healing,
            I am most grateful, Thank YOU so very much for sharing with me.
            With warmth of heart and Peace
            have an enjoyable weekend,staying cool, i will keep you posted
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I’ve done both with a journal…I have used a computer and printed paper that I wrote and put it in a three ring binder and, I’ve hand written in a journal. Both are great…just getting your thoughts out and reading them back to yourself will help you clarify your path. Look for those feeling words, look for pattern this happens, I feel ______ or I want to escape somehow or I do ____. All of this will help you make adjustments and give clarity. If one way of handling something isn’t proving to be helpful, then we can look at how you may handle it differently. Just knowing you have options opens up a world of possibilities. Before, you didn’t know you had choices…you automatically responded…now, you know you are free to choose how to respond to any and everything that comes your way. The choice is yours and that is so freeing. Go for it girl!

          • Sand

            This is so wonderful. It is you that are truly a Gift of and by God, I wholeheartedly know and believe this truth. Thank you for opening up by His guidance and His knowing your experience to be able to connect wiwth me and “open up a world of possiblilites ” in this path of healing. Amazing. and always a renewed smile on my face with this door having opened. yes before I seemed to be feeling stuck in a box with my feelings,it honestly and truely is this experience with word meaning and this practice that is freeing me from the box,interesting this is for me.
            With gratitude always,
            With Love Sandra

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen, I wanted to write a little note of something I know i will forget if I do not share here for you, another great “ice cube” flavor for hydrating with water and flavored cubes, or even flavoring water, is Hibiscus tea bags. It is important as i know you are aware to always check for conditions that an herb may alter in your being in opposite of positive, like I believe it lowers bp? and i usually have been known to have low bp, so i do not consume alot,however it is another idea for cubes and/or flavor and iced hibicus tea water. Enjoy. as really hot ,way over 100 heat index here, maybe you can find by you where temps probably more hot, something so refreshing. and add too any mint leaf or what you chose, stevia or anything that you will enjoy. Even a berry inside a hibiscus ice cube can bring fun to hydration?ginger is great too to add to water for different drink than the hibiscus.
            I continue to have these sleepless nites to now,and tearful in am and again in pm as going to rest. I know this is only a season. a hard one this is for me. I did look up last nite the therapy you mentioned and that sounds good, not a hypnosis so I was happy about that suggestion for me .I looked up sad this morning, and it lead me to weepy, or weeping, and it was more than sad to read and validate ,although I needed to embrace and then it helped me to look at antonyms to feel what it will feel like ot have bliss, and the opposite of sadness at the othe rside of this rainbow journey. I forgot what those words feel like as this trial has been for so long now, although I could imagine,and know at some level what they would feel like and in amazing new ways of renewed self in Christ.
            Goodnite,
            Love Sandra
            Have a really good evening,
            With Love,
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            My heart breaks when I hear you are struggling with past sorrow…at the same time, there is no other way to get to the other side than through the slough of despond (as is written in Pilgrims Progress). He wrote the work in prison, a life changing experience for that author just as this is a life changing season for you. It is beyond words to endure but it produces in one a depth and richness that cannot be purchased with a price. So my friend, you are understood. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, How are you doing today? Staying cool I hope in creative ways.
            I saw the email with your Dad travel to Israel.wow. what seems like a dream of a trip, and the sense of illumination and softness without any fear in travel. A great sense of calm in your Dad will make this a truly incredible travel for so many.and the Artist is remarkable to be joining in travel engagement. Very cool.
            Staying the course even though continue to hurt with awareness this aint fun in a dark season but His grace stands in strength for me,and with me I planted right beside His feet at His very lantern to follow.
            With Love, and tribute to my beloved dog passing in July, 2011 this end of July,and the song after placing Him in God hands that July day, “Amazing Grace” was on radio as tears flooded my face. This song always shows up on radio or email video to let me know He so close,after thought of him today,there was the song right before me. I realized today that was the beginning of this very dark season for me, my life simply unraveled in ways beyond my imagination,or “expectation” what word I need to look up that I have learned too let go this word in “preparing for the “grey”. My dog was my purpose,taking care of him,he was blind that last year of his life and diabetic and depended on me for still long walks,loved excercise. I always was running for his care.
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            Oh my goodness…we had to put our beloved dog down three weeks before my daughter married last November….it is a heart-anguish no one can express. I am so sorry for your loss and for the memories brought up each year. However, it does reveal yet another longing for heaven…for us to be in a place where there is no loss, no cut off from those we love, no longer a longing for what we cannot have on this earth. It sounds like you gave your pup the most loving care, the most intimate concern from an owner to a patient…what dog could have wanted for more. You did a fantastic job loving your dog until he passed. It is so hard to see them pass, and yet, there is something very fulfilling in knowing you gave all you could until the very end. Way to go my friend. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I know I wrote earlier of my dog passing July 2011, his anniversary just days away in his passing….after the thoughts i shared, I thought he was coming to me from the heavens to shine good news I had just opened in envelope from the Sate regulation department of Pest investigation that I had done months back now. Well yes the report came to me and found the termite company that was as I have mentioned biased due to Seller and termite inspector friends i found out while termite letter being done, i sensed and knew something was hidden by my intuition at that time,and later in house did find truth of issues . The State did find the termite company in violation of specific Rules and Regulations for the enfrocement of the South Carolina Pest Control Act in that the termite letter did not disclose the presence of wood deccay fungi stain and damage under the rear center of bathroom floor.
            I have call into attorney to understand what is next step with this now documented as a violation . I believe this one issue of three that I have been working on having truth come forward with and repairs made as house not in conditon to be sold to me as was, and that undisclosed all three issues, , this one issue now my understanding is that if Termite company does not pay for repairs,then termite company can be closed or business license removed,one and the same although I am numb right now of gratitude that my efforts Colleen for the truth is my soul purpose in all I do ,that this truth is beign validated.
            I will update when gahter more informaiton. this will be a celebration when all said and done, ALways to follow truth, no matter what sacrifice, that is who I am. Living in Christ will be the greater Truth,His truth of word in my heart and soul that will develop this within me beyond what i ever known to be.
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            Your tenacity is remarkable…DO NOT GIVE UP! This is a breath of fresh air….to hear that there is an actual report and you can connect it to a personal bias…there is much to be unfolded. Oh my gosh…stay at it my friend. I so believe in you and your tenacious spirit! Do let me know what comes of this. Keep everything in writing, record communications, and request employee’s name and employee numbers with every conversation. I know you will prevail. Much care and commitment. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am thinking of you! I miss your brilliance of shades of a rainbow across the page. I am hoping that your mom is stabilizing and strengthening,and while you stay along with her journey that you are strengthening with the rehab that may have been exactly what God intended for you to be so guided to while with your mom.
            I have not even purchased my Christmas cards and it does seem sometimes that time travels beyond where my feet are planted. in a sense I never have felt so much that I am of where Jesus has me rather than in this world of fast paced motion, Earth.
            Colleen there is something if you do read today that I am excited and we have spoken of in the past, and it never really sat with me in the way I am so tickled and excited today, so accupuncture I realize is working on my energy through orgrans and blood meridians, and exactly what God has inspired in me with creativity, I am making a collage of more dream of my future, cuddly dogs on beautiful big pillow beds from magazines, a wedding with beautiful bouquets in hands, and i will add more of most french country charming living space as i find in magazines and paste on my poster board Dream board. What i truly wanted to exclaim is where is a great place to find and purchase coloring book, that is what you had spoken and I never could sense how me ,an adult can color in a coloring book. lol. well, this renewed energy and God guiding me to a free group of ladies 15 mintues away in a small private book shop, offering a coloring book with colored pencil group next week in evening. I now comfortable to go out at nite which I had previsouly been too built in fear to step out after dark, well now i put lights on and venture out where places like this i can attend from now on. I am looking now for a very specific coloring book, of adult Angels, dancing angels, of this kind , and will be keeping eye out and thought to ask you as the idea originally stemmed from your heart for me to tap into my creative energy. I am excited for this is and has been a blockage and I am now tapping into what has been dormant. and to be able connect with others in group socially will be huge for me. I have not made the pillows that i was so enthused about for the orphanage, although I am beginning to look at time passed and cannot put a timeline on something that comes and will come from my heart. I may donate something this year if cannot get what intended done of this project, as you have always said to heal oneself and then can give so much more when healed.
            I also did not get a tree this year, I intend to finsih painting my porch columns and trim and maybe put up a few strings of lights, although I am seeking inexpensive white paper luminaria bags and candles and sand and that is what I am doing this year down my sidewalk and driveway to mailbox, so i can reflect on this year and gratitdue and Light of Our Lord in my Heart and SOul.
            Much loving care your way,
            Love
            Sandlee ps I am going to the Farm that has pointer dogs in training friday,and go out with horses and dogs i am told to teach puppies to point at quail and I will be seriously considering where God guides me in having a dog, keeping heart and soul open to whether one speaks loudly as God direction, and His truth in confirmation without a doubt from Him and releasing me from concern for how to take care of this dog, I know God will provide if this is what He guides me to. So I am dreaming of a dog that so cuddly and present

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to expand on thoughts expressed yesterday, with family photo Christmas card coming in mail. I have reflected and the image of my sister in law in card triggered a response for a few different reasons, as i wrote yesterday i was sad about having divorced,and realized further it was triggered by myself being seen in my sister in law , i saw myself in this photo as well kept, taken well care of, she looked best i had seen her,and I recall looking as bright and well kept and no worry on face or tired look when I too was married. It was what came over me. As well, this sister in law brings an untrustworthy feeling and how my life has been in transformation is a good thing yet the why do those that have been a part of nasty mean gossip and wicked whispering behavior along with family members taht gang up on me, this sister in law has been a part with my mother and oldest sister,caught in wicked facial expressions in gossip about me, whether something as simple as my mother with sisterin law in kitchen as I was entering the next room they gossip in negative way how I do not eat this or that but only eat what i bring, things that are said with vengence and as i said wicked facial expression and very hurtful and I know this individual has not been someone i trust at all , my mother so claims she loves her and has not expressed such love for me in the way she raves of this sisterin law. So there was alot of mixed emotion in seeing this family Christmas card with sister in law.
            It has been a week of emotional scars being tossed up and my seeing them for what they are so clearly. I was truly surprised about a dr office visit where allergist treated me like i had four heads and would not do as the dr told me , and she acted as if I was crazy, she even stuck me harder with one shot as if it was pleasure to try dampen the sparkle I came in with,and the other nurse just stared at me blankly for the entire time as if i was an alien, it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I spoke to dr about and dr apologized, and said she will speak with nurse and claimed the nurse may have been confused but knows what I was asking because this is done the way the dr suggested I have done.
            I was even more surprised this message I am trying understand came through yet my hair stylist, i was honestly so surprised, this is someone who has known me now by doing my hair,and she knows what i have struggled with the house and contracters and even has expressed that she hates how the Seller did me so wrong with selling house in the bad condtion,and she even has seemed interested for my greater good . Yet in past i have moved aside so she could take someone else as it was she overbooked appts, so she took the other person while i sat awhile then she took me back in chair, well this time she began to take advantage and then on top of that took advantage, first she asked a client to come in early ,which did not make alot of sense, it happened where client came in after stylist just had washed all color out of hair and i was ready for cut, stylist then said do you mind me putting on a conditioner and sit under dryer, 35 minutes later she took me into chair, then she literally asked me if she could take her next client before my cut and put me back under dryer to dry ,when I said no i need to go, she began take it out on me, pulling at my hair drying it claiming my hair takes so long to dry it so thick,and she then said “see you should have sat out of seat as there was another male client there, but now he went to sit in his car” and she seemed annoyed that client had a “title” of work on airforce base and she was now behind in her appts,that he sat in his vehicle,and tried to put blame on me when it was her that called client to come in early and that led to this jam. not about me at all. I left half styled,and she claimed “i had enough layers cut for now”, so my hair had less layers.
            I have not understood completelly what God is telling me this week. ALthoguh I know with my awareness of not being as important as other clients with hair stylist I am going to try a beauty school next time i need hair care,and even maybe bring down the cost with this as option. Maybe God was finding this way to direct me that she not my friend and that I can reduce my expenses by going to Beauty school where students take cuts and hair color at lower cost.
            It just seemed all the wonderful work of accupuncturist on bringing such sparkle and energy back in grand way of hope and inspiration, without a drop of sadness in my heart, this week has spurred emotion of hurt at many levels.Yesterday I just cried, tears flooded my face talking and giving all to Jesus and asking Him to help me let it all go to Him.
            I still finding energy, just trying not to become depressed with how I see I am treated by people. I cannot just be kind in most honest way it seems, yet that is who I am and I need be and stay true to who I am.and somehow learn greater to let all this go and not hold onto what hurtful or impath of what not intended to be hurtful but pick up on like Christmas cards not being sent by Christian book store clerk.
            The good news today Colleen is that the sermon today was divine in a special way, a different way, the Pastor spoke about every star and every cross description,history/meaning. I cannot believe I did not know the cross with circle is accepting Jesus Christ and having everlasting life being symbolized in circle on cross. And I just became filled with beautiful information regarding my Faith of Jesus. And that Jesus is “Victorious”, he is always there through all . which is intereesting as my Jesus God’s Promises Fulfilled, Daily Devotions For Christmas Season, Dayspring, yesterday December 12, was “The Promise Of Victory, Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. 1 John 5:5″ ”
            With Loving care today, hoping you are well and home today.
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Colleen, I am sorry for so many notes during a time I know that you have so much happening by you.
            I know you will be so thrilled to hear this that I had to work through to see so clearly, by having your place of expression to pouring my heart and soul with flooding tears and zero understanding all morning to Jesus Christ, “It is not my fault” came to me, and I cried it out and prayed and in despair to Jesus that it was like I have lost 6 years of my life for being in a fog of sorts, and it occured to me and He spoke clearly through me that not only It is not my fault,yet that the most important message of all , that i have not LOSt 6 years of my life, I left a marriage for I was seeking the truest purest Love, unconditional Love, and my prayer was answered, I found Jesus Christ, His Love, It was He who has come into my life and into my heart and soul just as He has intended, that is the biggest gift of all,and what a realization to become aware,and change my thoughts to what so real and True, I left everything for His Love has been the answer of what i was seeking and He has filled my internal soul with His Love, it was not external where I believed it to be. How Miraculous is this truth. I know you are going to be overthe top joyous with me as you have walked this path with me. I am truly amazed that this is what I was seeking all this time, and it was so internal, only He could fill this Promise I left all material life and living comfortable with all I wanted in a marriage yet I sought externally believing it was my marriage and my husband I needed to leave, perhaps I only could have done so on a solo path to have learned this biggest lesson of all and the answer to my every prayer, that it was accepting Jesus as on a solo path and taking Him so within for the truest purest unconditional Love is so Brightly filling my soul for what I was out to find, yet the surprise is it was all within me and only me that I would find Him and His Love ,not external through anyone else.
            This has showed me my way to tears of joy and miracle of truths this morning and I wanted to share with you so sincerely and of genuine Fatih .
            THank you for walking this path with me, and being so amazing in all ways through Jesus Christ loving care shines through you and has shown me thus far the only person I will alwasy remember has been so like Jesus Christ, He has refected through you for me and so many others. THat is such a gift Colleen. I am so Blessed by God to have you chosen to be right there at my lowest point in life , He placed you right there.
            I am so grateful ,yet in tears this morning as so much information has come through me this morning
            WIth loving care, may you and your mom and family be well soon.
            Love ,Peace and Joy only from Jesus Christ,
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I have read each of your notes very carefully, full of hope and joy for you. I will expand on them when I get to a deadline but wanted to let you know I had seen them, read them, and care very much about where you are in your growth right now. I am celebrating the Lord’s continued faithfulness to you! It is an absolute delight to know you and an honor to be part of your life. Just wanted you to know you were not forgotten at all! Much Kindness and Care for you my friend, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you for reaching out to let me know about your deadline, and having read my all my thoughts while what sounds like you are beyond busy, your work in ways you serve all, your mom, deadline, Christmas, Jon needs, your own needs,etc. My thoughts are with you during this hectic time. I hoping you are well and your mom and you home. Thank you for your kind thoughts and encouragement of my growth. I did write the Childrens Hosp and I was asked to fill out volunteer application, and the individual receiving my email thought what I wanted to bring children, read book, bring nature indoors as small as leaf of color having vitality and explore, plant a seed, etc. I will do application and see where God may be leading me. Tonite is coloring book ladies nite at book store,first time venturing out……going to copy at library on printer from online some etsy dancing woman free flowing image coloring prints.
            We will connect when the time is right, and until then take good care. and if time as it is lately racing at a faster pace and it becomes Christmas, I will understand ,and have a Merry Christmas, when I am hoping you have the chance to experience a calm at Christmas during the holiday with especially special moments,with love, peace and joy.
            With loving care,
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen
            I have so much to share about accupuncture. It is amazing,and how valuable in insight it has been with these treatments. Aggressive energies = lacking or excessive mother. Earth element is effected, and will effect all organs/all elements if not taken care of at core with this treatment. For me I have been absorbing all aggressive energies from others because of this “lacking mother/Earth element being for grounding, and with lacking mother grounding effected. So today I am listening for answer how to better stay grounded and centered in self shielded/protected and in “my own coccon” as my dr of accupuncture describes i need to stay,The one big question he said is there already even if not conscious and it is being taken care of with this treatment yesterday, is the question why am I allowing the aggressive energy of unhealthy friend take over me? I cannot hear yet but as this dr stated, it is there and already being taken care of with the work of accupuncture being completed. I probably have one more visit ,for lung=deeper mother lacking greiving. It is REMARKABLE. I am so thankful to our glorious God to have guided me to this remedy and care.
            He stated that these hand full of treatments really take care of it,and I will not need revisit. How REMARKABLE is this. I am already beginnging draw again, and have a volunteer application putting in with a Childrens Miracle Network Hospital about 45 mintues from me, for HUGS program for newborns and Acitivty center for those children who can come out of room supervised for play and inspiration in activity.
            I again did not have but one good solid reference to put down for this application, believe it or not my x husband and i correspond by email more often lately,and he said Sure he will be a reference. Is it possible Colleen to put you down again as a reference where the Hospital will contact you by mail or telephone? I called your office this morning but it was not to your direct voicemail.
            I would need a mailing address directly to you,and the telephone number if same as what i called 972-473-5000
            I hope this is not asking too much with your schedule and if you are able to do this, I am most grateful. If not it is completely okay to let me know this too.
            Have a Blessed morning, day and weekend.
            With loving care
            Sandra

          • Sand,

            THIS IS SOOOOOOO COOL!!!! How do you know so much about the different organs of the body and where the emotional energy rests in them? I would love a chart of some kind. My chiropractor said some acupuncture would help my neck issues in some way….as would getting message’s but I have no time for all that. However, if you find the treatments so beneficial, I would consider taking time for them as well. You just sound magnificent!!!!! So happy you are getting involved and connecting to individuals and groups…they say the best way to overcome our own adversity is to enter into helping other’s with theirs…or just serving in any way. The HUGS program sounds incredible! There is a local restaurant in our area named HUGS that employees all people with disabilities. It’s made news all through the cities….and it’s so not hard to have them everywhere! Anyway, I know your involvement and care will make an incredible impact on those you work with…and frankly, their lives will change yours too. It’s a win-win. Love that you are reaching out in new ways.
            You have mentioned your ex-husband several times in recent months…so glad you have connected and are finding the relationship full of encouragement. My only word of caution is wondering if he is in a relationship…knowing it would be easy to idealize what was and even what we can imagine what will be-when in fact, we must look at it as it is. God has allowed the hurt to come full circle and now you can enjoy one another…..that is amazing. Just be careful while your heart is still healing.
            Finally, since my mom’s surgery and Jon’s been out of school, I’ve had no time to be in the office…I”ve worked from about every place other than my office desk quite honestly. So, the best thing to do for a letter or call or recommendation of any kind-which I am totally honored to do-is leave your phone number with my assistant, Abby Mclure. When you call, just ask for Abby in Creative Ministries (she is also Wayne’s assistant), let her know who you are and how I can reach you or what you are needing. I didn’t ever write the recommendation letter as I thought you were going to work on your health issues and the therapist thought it was best to wait. I’m so sorry if I messed up on that. I’m honored to do whatever will help; just leave your contact info or what you are needing with Abby and I’ll get it to the right place. Thrilled to do this for you.
            Again, so many great things to celebrate for you….what a wonderful note.
            Looking forward to connecting soon. Colleen

          • Sand

            Dear Colleen, it is an incredible joy to hear and connect with you. I am celebrating you this afternoon, as in the midst of all you have happening by you and in your care, you are “honored” to be of support and encouragement to me via blog thoughts and interest and interest to be a voice of support for a reference with this volunteer interest of HUGS for newborns and the Child Life Activity Center with a Miracle Network Hospital less than an hour away. I am so thrilled that you will be my second reference. I love the HUGS program that you describe and I so wish I could be near to give some very incredibly warm HUGS too. So much to say, I will start by yes I will call your assistant this week. And on the fence now about the Onsite program in general for the accupuncture and therapy with Psychologist are aligned perfectly,and honestly I can say that The Acccupuncture has created leaps and bounds for me in only 1/2 hour treatments ,which would not include the initial assessemnt visit of over one hour. I can literally promise that you too will find amazing grace in results. It is truly remarkable. The amount of money I have spent in over 10 years of therapy, Reiki and massage for all issues from pain to cold ,cold sore on lip from stress, to anxiety and phobias, fear, fatigue ,etc, all in really one visit, but because the organs of liver and lung(grief from lacking mother as baby and throughout i guess life and other grief), and kidney this time showed up as I had bumped into unhealthy friend and took on aggessive enrgy, and the accupuncturist even described this aggessive energy seen around needle in back and the fear from it as well, so kidney =fear. Colleen in my very first visit i was flying, second visit releasing gradually is key for someone as tender and as sensitive as me and I beleive you too would want to have more than the one visit scattered out for gradual releases. Each visit more awareness, this last time was most aggressive release because it went to core of “Fear” and my now awarenesses surfacing of how I allowed aggessive energies in because of fear and I needed to look so deeply at this within and now working through for need of grounding which lacking mother=lacking Earth=grounding,and that is the core of my very issue. SO I am saying for this truth that it is incredible and for it will not need continue because as the Accupuncturist informed me that this treatment is not to be revisited once he releases as has, in other words it is permanent,and need not be revisited once done in completion by accupuncture. Gosh with all this knowledge, I have only a voice which can speak by my personal experience that yes it will “fix” a cold, an illness, even i am told cancer treated this way by Accupuncture, as truly cancer originates after infflammation, and after the core issue not treated brings inflammation. as for me an examply my stomach and all became inflammed, no knwoing if tumors or ulcers in stomach as I have learned by this Accupuncture all i have about organs, “dampness” and CHinese medicine treats this way not by tests and xrays,etc. If you have opportunity to do this treatment for pain, cold, illness, anything really that creating fatigue as mine is fibromyalgia and in CHinese medicine called “Dampness”. and treats directly all organs,stomach,spleen, liver i think have been. and Allergies too told will disapate for the core organs being treated for me related to allergies i think too spleen.
            If you do have opportunity, and Blessings to do so with accupuncture, please ask about the 5 ELEMENTs , the Accupuncturist will provide what he/she sees necessary althought this is to me amazing depth to core releases,and what I was guided by holistic nurse to seek for my emotional strengthening and ultimately the answer to core for full healing.
            So much information .I so wish to hear more of what is happening by you and if you do try accupuncture.
            I am so Blessed to have this connection with you Colleen, I truly consider you a dear friend and miss you. I understand now where you are,and I am over the top delighted again that you would be still so supportive with this hospital volunteer application. It has been literally 20 years that I had not felt up to this type service. I can say it is because of the accupuncture . I can say you will feel renewed as it is pure vitality opening up within you ,flow like a river supposed to, all will be alive and build on wellness. for me ultimately accupuncturist only has the lung to finsih releasing,and he said that really the work is done/completed, so maybe it has been for me starting out gradually, for me it was i think now 5 visits, and a total of 6 when finished, i will always probably need something along the way but ultimately so far better than hosp testing, xrays, and the sheer quantity of money i put out for over 10 years. wow! It still amazes me this truth . My very first reaction to any future issue, i am going direct to appt of Accupuncture.

            I will keep you posted,my next visit early February for remainder of lung release and with the difficulty i have had facing this truth on Fear,and consoling my very inner child screaming and crying from the core issue of when in hospital as baby two times i believe is core of what i envisiouned with this release, and because so difficult to really face this core issue, with it being a good truth yet hard truth that may have stirred anxiety, dr claims it will do that and then disapate after that treatment,and i will trust this, yet if anything else need be revisited with accupuncture regarding this, would be not trusting his saying it is completed as i left office. SO I look forward to letting you know more.
            I wanted to say too yes I am delighted about this connection with x husband, it is a friendship that has me so happy. Yes he has a girlfriend, the mother of his beautiful little girl,and I can tell that i am not interfereing as he has told her about me and we continue have the respectful boundaries for this relationship and for me to have his support and encouragement yet I am delighted to have clarity that whether it be with him in time? if he did not marry this girl or that more delighted to be in clarity that God is going to deliver me the perfect ONE that i will not have a doubt will be from Him. I am grateful for your insight and concern for me and interest for my greatest health anc well being so I welcome always your thoughts and I absolutely will hold close to my heart in this process of further healing.
            I did speak to dr about x husband too,so i have the support by both of you in this healing.
            I also wanted to say that this week three contracters are supposed to speak with me, one a Minister i bumped into with items i am consigning in his antique consignement shop, he happend to have a flyer on his desk and he is to come out and give me quote. The other two I know of ,one is the higher bid and he is not sitting with my intuition as fully knowledgable how to remove the mold, as from conversation I gahtered this, so the other is a painter and he did not come out as planned this week and said text him this coming week,so my gut again uncertain of him.The Minister may be who I am being so guided to . I will keep you posted.
            With great loving care my friend, I am so Blessed to know you. I even told someone, actually the unhealthy friend (who i finally needed to block for I have learned “I am too sensitive” with this fear issue allowing the aggessive energies into my organs, sad that needed to but I told him flat out this is why,i had bumped into him and he pointed finger at me that i had not spoken to him in 2 months and he so angry wished i would drive off a cliff and die he said,,,,i understand his sister who raised him is dying,and that he is hurting but i even told accupuncuriest when went in that this does not allow someone to say these things in aggression, i am by far not perfect,but until I know I can heal and not be the sensitive person i am, or learn to shield or develop by this treatment i can sense a difference today and more confidence when someone angry around me at store that it did not phase me as had?.

            i believe this is what accupuncurist said once treatment complete do not need revisit—–so i may have purged this weekend but i think I am feeling the anxiety and more grounding as treatment purge disapates as was so deep issue)
            i told this unhealhty friend by email that you are the one who was my Light there for me emotionally as my Light . Today I prayed for this unhealthy friend from the deepest part of my heart that God guide him to His Light whether through someone ,however He wills shine His great Love and Light upon this individual core,and open him up to the Truth.
            It is through you the Light and unconditional approach with me that it is you truly who guided me to the relationship I have with Jesus Christ,and who has been ultimately the one who has supported me ,encouraged me, loved with grace and utmost care unconditionally through these past months,year(s) now with the Emotional pain/grief and healing that has taken place and forward I will look forward to maintaining contact with you.
            Much Love in His Grace and care, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayer.
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Colleen, I do hope Jon is doing well being out of school, maybe a winter break. I will be thinking of you, and know you are home for some time, God always has a plan and I know it is to have the two of you so close, and I know it will be Blessed time.
            When you return to work as I know it is one of your favorite places to expand and do what you love beyond home loving care, i know at the time intended by God it will be like Spring and as you always shared with me, it will be all in blossom like never before. Many Blessings, with Loving care,
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I am really looking forward to a more regular schedule…while my son’s care takes far more importance, his development is very important as we won’t be here forever. There is a definite balance between living as if today is the last day and the first day of one’s life. My prayer remains… (1) Safety; (2) Love – God Honoring; (3) Honor and Respect; (4) Development of gifts and abilities. So much more to this but it’s a brief outline of our priorities and hopes. Keep praying…he seems to be settling in well to his new school; our hope is for him to develop friends and future dreams. Much Love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I have had this note close to my heart since last nite and all through the day i had what i recited in my head while driving a reply, and just home now as I did go to my first “Sound Healing for woman with Trauma group ” just an hour drive, it is now every Tuesday and free group. I saw myself and heard myself in the others ,we all different places,but i seemed to have done the most work ,and the instructer great, good boundaries /facilitator,keeping group structure good form. I loved it ,the heart sound, “ahhhhhhh”. and we did EFT really intersting as we all described our feeling when finsihed with routine we followed by instructor……..she completed my saying it was “soft feeling after the “ahhhh” heart healing sound group practice,
            As i just had read before falling asleep your note, these were my thoughts ,it is that your thoughts are of the highest vibration to me, there is such divine love of God shattering every bit of physical form, it is that I could not get over how you are remarkable in your loving care of Jon.It shined through your wirting. I was not as fortunate to have yet I can see it when it is so very real before me,and the way that you take so well care of Jon and insight and interest “in complete unwaivering action” is so very incredible to me to hear and only that of the Highest unconditonal Love that God shines, you are shining upon Jon and his life. It is shining in the way you shared your hopes for him are to develop firends and “future dreams”….how remarkable your interest in your son as I know all your family you are a great mom, to pay such special undistracted attention and acknowledge with intention of helping him achieve what his dreams are. Even decorating his room to meet his reflection of himself as he communicated what he liked for his personal space. I am not sure you realize how rare this is to be so special as you, and how you care so deeply as a mom. You are the most special lady I know really.
            I will be keeping your prayer in my prayer, with God and for you and your wellness, esp neck .
            Much Loving care,
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            You are so special to my heart…thank you for such kind words. I don’t feel all that spectacular….I just don’t understand mother’s who choose to neglect their own children for their own interests. And, with a child that has intense, demanding needs….I don’t think that is an excuse to just give up so maybe it’s a standard that I think is rather typical. And, it’s also very hard for me to tolerate mother’s who just give in or give up or do nothing for the children they chose to have. I believe that’s why I have so much sorrow for those who hurt and were not given maternal support. It just totally baffles me and I want to say ‘why did you have children only to hurt and neglect them’…no one has a perfect mother but being ‘good enough’ is all we can ask for. And when I come across those who have hurt deeply by a neglectful or abusive parent, it’s so very sad to me. That is why I care so deeply for you…so much working against you and yet, look at how far you have come. It’s just amazing! So thank you and I will connect with you tomorrow. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen, one other thought regarding Sound Healing. I would love to know if Jesus or any other Biblical character used Sound as healing. it occurs to me other religions I believe use sound during prayer,or maybe that is more considered song/chant? I was just curious and may google this thought, Sound in Biblical story? Sound /Healing? by Jesus Christ?
            Have a great afternoon, Many Blessings
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I have to hold off on answering the question about sound and scripture since I don’t know much about the sound therapeutic process yet. After I study it and learn more, let’s revisit this if that’s okay. Good thinking…who knows but I will look into this form of healing. Thanks for sharing! Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you for the beautiful prayer. I do know I will sleep well this evening. I am ready to rest in God word tonite, looking forward to scanning some notes of scripture that will come to me in material by email as Pastor Brian will be sending. I am aware God provided our connection today, amazing timing as you have not been in your office and there you were. He has provided your insight and care,and incredible encouragement again at the exact timing intended. It was great to connect with you, My fullest intention is that I will be lighter in the coming days as I can see clearly that God has our connection and Pastor Brian all aligned with where He is guiding me as I said “just over the next chalk line (like the line you penciled on wall/trim of door with children growth in inches….) of what I sensing in my growth,so awkward and yes so very raw,and no escape but to pursue exactly what He has intended in embracing these raw emotions and forward. I sense a greater peace tonite. I know our conversation really helped me with a slight hump I had encountered, and now I can see so much clearly this growth and I am enlightened. THANK YOU! Thank you for being who you are!.
            With more sense of grounded focus for another time, I will want to speak of something of joy as hydrating with fruit in the ice cubes? I picked up ice cube popsickle mold and am going to try watermelon and other fruti pops soon.

            I wanted to leave this image I copied from computer,if you are able to view,it is of Jesus washing the feet of His diciiples, sharing an understanding of how Jesus did feel,and the real and true meaning of the word “humility”Best regards, With Love Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I think it is okay, I read one of the other blog notes, Melissa. her writing is beautiful, very clear thoughts with gentle touching thoughts of her truest of heart and soul. I am going to say a prayer for her tonite. I hear her struggle.
            Colleen, I know too that my voice was not true to who I am, that was a moment of one of my most unpleasant yesterday and I know my voice was not of who I am, maybe if we connect again you will hear the difference of tone, words, pressure being less on all muscles,including voicebox. Also I thought of something i said, I said “I wish that you told me you had to pick up one of your children”, when I in this confusion I say things that are not of what I intend. What i may have wanted to say is I did not know, I am sorry if i kept you longer.
            Just some thougths i have had today.
            Have a good evening,
            I am grateful again for your prayer, and for your patience, that which is remarkable.
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I realize that you are traveling at this time. I wanted to express reading and re reading this message from before you left, finally it hit me,the energy that i was feeling from the unhealthy friend is strong “oppressed” upon me energy,I believe it is of demonic influences by my experience what i have been seeing and reason I am seeking more information of how to protect myself ,and to rid what has come to me energetically ,even spiritually ,psychically from this individual,as it is stronghold in dominating energy even if not in my very personal space at time, it comes psychic/spiritual energy. I am really shocked how those that have use of these energies can not know the damage of their use,or power of thoughts,etc,and how this individual can say he here to help me,and my only friend,and yet be so damaging in ways of thought of wanting to keep me “oppressed”. I realized this word real and true for the last time he in my personal space i had all the feelings of how oppressed defined, as if in strong hold suddenly and all in my personal space heavy energy after individual left and it was effecting my being and more within my personal existence. and i can still sense the hold although have not communicated or seen this individual for now over a full week.I keep saying “I am”, of the Holy Spirit and increasing my Biblical armor by reading,and Ephesiaans 6:13-17,etc,all the verses in Bible that will help me. And i beleive in your guidance and the counselors you have dirrected me to at Insight for Living.
            I have contacted the Insight for LIving Counselor and need call back during business hours to make an appt. The information that you have shared is very helpful in that it is helping me with more clarity of what question I am seeking,and that this is real . I am very happy that I have solid trustworthy resource,including you that I am able to reach out to,as I have been holding in this concern for a month it seems, and the only answers from general invididuals have been stay clear of this person, shield yoruself, run, yet I need more explaination and certainty what i am experrienceing, if that all makes sense. I know now what i need to clarify,ask,and learn.
            Thank you for taking the time before you were traveling,and I know the travel is going to be full agenda as there i am sure are teachings and gatherings on ship that take place for those who are traveling with Insight for Living, hoping all remain balanced for you and well.
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen, As you share Biblical truth and God’s Glory of grace and compassion on the Alaskan cruise, I needed to say you have touched someone, Me ,here in South Carolina ,during a hectic time of preparing for your very travel. Incredible information that you have shared and helping me tremendously here. I waiting for a confirmed appt with counsel at Insight for Living,and landed on what you have guided, your Dad writing so much on the enemy and what we have discussed. Incredible information I now have access for what answers I have been holding to ask for just the most solid answers,I am on the right track as been reading all the verses in Bible to help,and will learn so much more in coming days. I look forward to connecting with you on this subject soon,and will have plenty update when you have returned and settled back. I am happy there will be much to examine,including myself and bringing to me has been much of confusion where speaking to those not educated,common people and websites simply by opinion or experience, and that may say escape a person? there is question I want to be certain in my true understanding,whether a “blame” in that message, like “Adam and Eve”. How can I remain true to God and me in this? I am working to forgive and move forward,and find peace and compassion, so there is incredible information that finally the resource is solid and true, the Bible being my foundation of truth,and Insight for Living knowledge of direction of this truth,this learning is what i have been seeking.
            Thank you so very much,
            With Gratitude, Love, and Peace
            Sandra
            THank YOU!

          • Sand

            Colleen, Incredible, verses of Ephesians, 6-10-18. Reading this again and again, I keep becoming aware of the answers before me today and what i have been seeking knowledge. suddenly realzing more than before.
            This is where i need help and looking forward to Insight for LIving Ministry counsel. my confusion has been what presented to me ‘in the flesh”, and i am sensing something more beyond by my intution ,that which see of another connected to an individual that greater influences of “evil sprititual power, or the Higher authority not of GOd”,and this is substantial information that I am processing in a more firm way,. Beleiving in myself what i am sensing is so important,and His word I am in need keep reading….for His Armor,and then in counsel will determine where does forgiveness and compassion for some that are in flesh,”not against flesh” yet who as individual of flesh connecting into dark spiritual world without God conscious? if that is possible I am going to learn it soon. The hardest part of acceptance is for me to see where i am in all this,where do i loose truth? i guess, and/or find myself in situation of these forces?
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

            Ephesians 6:10–18
            “The Whole Armor of God ”

            Ephesians 6:10-18New International Version (NIV)

            The Armor of God

            10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

            18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, it turned out to be a different kind of day than intended. bummer. oh well. I did not go to beach as once again did not feel enough time to drive and jsut be before need then to turn around and come back. God provided me that most wonderful peace and rest overnite and into a later morning hour , I guess that is what I needed! Then i could not hear in fullest clarity what to do from there, so i rested a bit more but not wanting to feel fatigue, it is present. I am going to take a walk and see if can find my balance of clarity of what direction I am hearing to go tomorrow. It is such beautiful weather it is not like me to stay so indoors and rest so much like this.
            So there is a pull or conflict within me over this today.
            And the woman friend essentially in a reply to an email i sent this morning ,after her silence to other emails posted over past few days, she seemed to act in judgement regarding my opening up to the unhealthy friend as if it is not a continous work but her not being capable of helping me any further because i did not do as she expected,to cut off completely one time and be done with it….essentially she said “good luck” with choices i make. Interesting if only she can see herself, as the times I have given her that extra chance in a friendship and she is uncapable of seeing her own true colors in that she has abandoned me not the first time but now the second time in that i have come back to communicating with her. She jsut shuts down at the same point of where a friendship not all shiny and bright happens. Life happens, process of change happens,not over nite, it all same focus just working through is a process,and again I am the one without family ties and completely with not one locally to rely on,but I am the one who “good luck” and strong tone of i helped you with this once a few months ago when i wanted to and it was a new shiny situation i could be connected with you,now you on your own. I guess this is one of those times I need that “jar” and jot some things down and go burn them….I think that is what i am going to do, go to park ,walk and jot down my frustrations at this moment and then come home and burn in back yard or throw away in garbage at park.
            Have a good evening, I will let you know how all goes this week
            Love Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I need to ask you about something we touched on a few weeks back. I feel like something inside that does not belong since what I mentioned this weekend. as you mentioned weak parts like irritation can leave opening for less than God entity. Do you think this inhealthy friend passed on his entity because he was so interested in my talking about light of God and at death…he wanted know where i will be buried so he alwsys know where i am esp after i told hom about a story of a woman who passed in coma spoke of light she saw on othetside before returning to her body. I became concerned as it feels like a different character is within me the last few days that thoughts that come to me not of my own kind. I know we talk about so much. I hope you will be able assure me that this cannot hapoen. maybe I am transforming myself and feeling uncomfortable ….I realize itbis a “feeling” yet an intuition something after this weekend talking near that unheallthy friend does still feel very awkward within me as if an entity .I know this sounds bizarre but I need toask. The woman friend who I know could answer is brushing me off as she has history of doing…for what only her convenience or interest…I wanted write her an emsil that I feel thriwn under the bus for a second time and that worries me that I “feeling” unususlly forthright…that is how the unhealthy friend reacts not me?
            Thank you for listening and being able to talk about all with amazong grace and acceptance
            love Sandra

          • Sand

            thank you Colleen, I love the Sheep with Shepherd,and reminds me of favorite ‘woolie” cards too. Thank you. and for your being able to do this yuck work, I too shall keep the course,and with your support and encouragement and what Jesus endured for us, all is so helpful today. A grateful heart to Shine true always,
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • ?Sand,
            I am so proud of you and yes, it did remind me of the same. I think we have a lot in common. You are a wonderful woman who God is preparing to use in the lives of others who are deeply wounded and in need of a Savior. Much grace and peace, Colleen

            Colleen Swindoll Thompson

            Insight for Living

            Director-Special Needs

            972-473-5016

          • Sand

            thank you Colleen, and the thoughtful kind sharing.and that we have alot in common brings me sundshine that you would say that of me like you in some ways. I am also filled with trust that God would bring me through to other side to help another in ways I do not imagine or know yet.
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen, I tried lying down,that not going to work today. The most interesting thing about all this anger,is that God speaks of need for community, and over the years what i had known was survival instinct to isolate,hide,and through these past five or so years now, what He has done is leave me homeless, forcing me to be outside my private space, throwing me into the community,and then all that has been happening seems the same , He wants community for me,so I had to have a zillion and one contracters invading my space to bring up again isolation is not good any longer. and then I thought our connection was enough support, well then with your surgery it forced me to realize again our amazing Lord had yet a plan in that, I was still hiding in sense of yes you are a great sense of my community and most incredible support and grace and friendship ,offering me so many growths of wisdom,understanding, enormous impact that you have had, yet we are not near by,not here in person or me there in person. His idea then has been to bring me to introduce more hands on support in person, and this is where He has taken me in the now.There is no more hiding what i have in isolation. Yes I am angry, and no longer can hide this truth in emotion,pain,sadness of it all,disgust,…..espeically when right in my face in person to face it and find the community in it all. and in a sense too i believe i may have found the distractions of what angered me as a target almost, and now i completely zeroed in on only me with this. no displacement .Incredible really He is. Thank you for all your genuine care of me and what is happening.
            With Gratitude,
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • ​Sand,

            It does seem like God speaks one way and allows other things to happen that are in opposition of His statements. You are in a very, very hard but essential place. God does call us to community for many reasons…support, encouragement, using our gifts, helping us to clarify perspectives, teaching and reproving, and so much more. However, there are season’s throughout scripture where He allowed those He called to huge ministry positions to first suffer alone. He did this with Joseph, Moses, Esther, Job, David, Elijah, and others. This was not punishment and He was not contradictory in the statements about us being in fellowship with others. The core truth is that He removed EVERYTHING…EVERY dependence, EVERY old habit, EVERY way of doing things, EVERY coping mechanism so they would learn to depend ONLY on Him. ALL they had was Jesus…He had to be their everything in order to learn His voice, cultivate new habits of living, thinking, and behaving. I totally understand your anger and you need to be extremely angry. There is a lot of anger in there Sand, because you were terribly wounded. This is part of the passage to wholeness that few of us expect. It is the hardest, most grueling, most lonely, most frustrating because you have done everything right and you end up feeling totally and utterly lost. Remember in Psalm 23 the verse that says “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”? That verse was described by an actual shepherd who explains this exact occurance. There are two times a year when a good shepherd had to walk his sheep through a most difficult place. Once before winter, the other before summer. The shepherd would take the sheep up to the top of the mountains for the summer because the vegetation was rich and full, the air cooler and the land was better for the sheep’s well being. They would feed on the new growth that sprang up during the growing season, free from the lowlands heat in the summer months. Then, when the season’s were changing, the shepherd would have to move the sheep from the highlands to the lowlands. They would not survive the wintery mountain tops, the snow and ice would kill them and there would be no food. So once again, the shepherd would take these terrified animals on a trek down the slops and hillsides to the lower ground. Then, as the snow would melt, the creeks would run with fresh, cold water and the sheep would have good food to eat as the water would cause new vegetation to grow.
            I tell this to you because more than any other animal in scripture, we are called sheep…they are the hardest, most difficult of livestock to care for. They are ALWAYS terrified, ALWAYS going their own way if the shepherd does not keep careful eyes upon his flock. There is NO WAY to know or understand why they have to take this trip twice a year…all they know if the shepherd forces them on a journey that is absolutely terrifying…but he does it for their good. If he did not do this, they would not survive or be healthy.
            So it is my dear one, that the shepherd seems to have lead you on such a journey and you are befuddled as to why He would be so cruel. He is not being cruel although everything in you feels that way. This is why you need to stay connected here and with the support groups you are now in. You have to have others help you see the truth or you will want to give up. This is not for the faint of heart…this is for your very best interest. It’s okay to tell God how angry you are, tell Him everything…pour out your soul to Him and keep pouring out your soul until it is empty because then He can fill it up with all of HIS ways and truths. There is nothing comfortable about where you are right now-I know that. Nothing is easy, nothing is fun, nothing is what you expected. But if you stop here, you give up the joy that is awaiting you on the mountain top. He promises to prepare a table for you, to feed you and fill you…HE ALWAYS keeps His promises…but you have to be willing to follow. Stay the course my friend. I promise, He will come through and you won’t believe how abundant the life He has promised for you will be. All my love, Colleen

            Colleen Swindoll Thompson

            Insight for Living

            Director-Special Needs

            972-473-5016

          • Sand

            Colleen, this is so very much what i needed to hear . it is how you suddenly appear with exactly what i needed to hear in this process. Yes this weekend was teribly hard, the support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics stirred up such anger,and i ended up sleeping much o fweekend. yes rest is good although yes i did have thoughts i was better off dead as this is no life i thought, and no fun,and nothing but feeling so alone. it ended up being good rest time. In my thoughts and heart I was throwing all out that seemed to be therapist, not being friendship for beginning believe that it is me here, not to sound offensive but real and true to how i was not managing very well all so painful and house,etc.just all that you have described as Everything to depend ONLY on Him in every way. So this is where I need focus,Jesus, and I do see His Light, I so asked Him this weekend that I was so ready to be with Him, take me now is what I asked. I gather He has other plans for me in the now.and I will hold my Faith. I cry with tears of being heard today by you COlleen,and I am most grateful for my heart and soul are so very sad .
            Thank you for reaching out to me with your kindness and thoughts that mean beyond words to me today. I so much needed to hear these thoughts of encouragement and Faithfulness.I think I may have just needed to be acknowledged so I could cry this out
            Love and Peace ,In His amazing work ,His Plan I will trust .
            Sandra

          • ​Sand,

            You have a ton of tears to cry out….let them fall and keep falling until you can’t see. My eyes have been so swollen before I have to sleep before I could open them again. That is okay. You are crying for the little girl in you that was terribly wounded, for what was lost, for the years you wish were different, and oh so much more. So cry and cry and cry and cry to Jesus who made you and if He wanted you home, you would be there. Evidently, He wants you here which means there is a purpose for you that you cannot miss…you cannot short cut His work. You must stay in the truth because the enemy is fighting for your life and you won’t let the enemy win. Just fight however you must…sleep, cry, walk, run, hit your pillow, box at the air, whatever it takes to get it out…you will come through and never will these days be forgotten. They will be used to help others who want to give up and you may be the only voice they hear who believes in them so stay the course. I’m so proud of you, beyond words!!!

            Colleen Swindoll Thompson

            Insight for Living

            Director-Special Needs

            972-473-5016

          • Sand

            I embrace you today Colleen in the Fullest Love of God, this is incredible and that you have encouraged me through,this being for me what seems the roughest point to face? me within. the me I always have had the brightest smile to hide behind and nobody knew the pain or at least those who only saw the exterior. I will not ever forget these moments in this journey, yes i have been swinging at that air, i had to laugh somehow through reading this as I am not crazy! yes I did this and you understand this truth. This truth that i must live out. and I will only follow Jesus and if His will to keep me for a divine purpose so it is ,I must endure and stay through it. Yes i heard the enemy with ideas this weekend of how to win with what seemed like the answer ,yet I seem to always come beyond that point and hear that there is a purpose and the Lord has onlly this decision to be made when my timing comes. Thank you for being so proud of me Colleen, you are amazing woman and friend always. I have an appt this afternoon with an attorney re house, yes the swollen eyes and feeling not an ounce of fight in me , my intention is to not come off as weak but sound and clear and I know I can do this. I feel broken today,literally and know that getting outsdie even if air humid today I will come back home with new vitaility and clarity. I will let you know how all goes today. Thank you again COlleen.
            With truest of heart and soul .
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen. I wanted to say I am sorry that you know this crying and only someone that has at core has endured in some way deeply can truly relate to what your description if needing to sleep to restore swollen eyes from a flood of natural tears…I cannot recall where read or heard ..maybe my daily calender? where read that just like God put Noah on the ark and provided what he needed in the storm….is all I keep repeating in my own mind . I wanted also let you know the attorney was kind ..listened well and said I have a real huge mess on my hands with the house yet he cannot take the case due to the realtor of seller (big small town money and influence of most in business) and also the hone inspector…this is what I have been up against all intimidated by especially this one realtor…and conflict of sorts .I believe that why he said too if did take case 3,000-7,000.00 he would want. I am seeking soneone help probono and if won give something agred upon. He saud he would call city 50 miles away see if someone he knows will take on for me. And if not ..if I file cibil suit on own home inspevtor seller and termite…then he did say I can consult with hom for guidance. I would need know can trust..he gave me a name of a church the minister welcoming . I ecplained my healing as we discussed will options and open about ptsd so he said to think about this church ..he thought I find good fior me and connection .
            He may do my will .
            I will let you know what happens next few days.I am so happy we connected really good and that was exactly God plan .I know Jesus so with me and all as always provided that I truly have need.love Sandra

          • Sand

            Thank you agsin Colleen for connecting with me today. your thoughtful caring and encouragement meant the world to me.
            I did come home and write too to the city 40ish miles from here news station that covers entire tegion and has segment called investigate. I put in story with house…see if I get any response ..I will let you know.
            warmest regards.hope you have goid rest this eveming
            Love Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am having a headache today. I am a bit more overwhelmed. I spoke by telephone with attorney who will meet me on Thurs out of town ,45 minutes-50 minutes out of town, he will give me 1/2 hour and possible work with me to help what works financially, he often will help in cases like this not to burden the expense normally it takes. He said the best option in case like this is give back house to owner. I told him honestly i was uncertain i could handle picking up and finding a place to live again with all i have gone through with this process. We will talk about this and he claims he has an engineer who honest and could look at potential if go with getting money for repairs of home in court,and if he says fix “x” and all good, or that not good as option. He has me compliing all photos,quotes,contacts,etc. so i meet him Thurs. I will update you as i have more information.
            THank you for listneing and being so supportive
            With Gratitude
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I just bowed my head and specifically prayed that the Lord would stop the enemy from hounding you, that you would be filled with strength, and that wisdom would light your path. Remember, you don’t have to make a split second decision, you have time. You are also free to file a complaint with the state attorney general at some point and with all three credit agencies against the seller. However, that may lead to some kind of fight….I don’t know the seller so it’s unsure if they have the kind of unfit personal temperament to just fight for fighting’s sake. Before all decisions, pray and pray. Then go with peace when peace does come. Until then, know that God has you in His hands and is fighting for you…He is your advocate. Much love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, my headache continues, and i trying to distract myself from house issue/attorney discussed best option to give house back to Seller , just for now as pretty well too much to process,although a message maybe.
            I was going through some framed art of lithorgraph signed prints going to hang up at Michaels to see if sell.Manager told me he will do this as does for customers who selling either own artwork or art of artist signed print,etc. as mine is. And here was a scrap of paper torn from tiny notebook pad, it says in my handwriting….
            “Dear God ,I ask you this day what is the very next step you are guiding me to take to find the living space of your will for my whole wellness, protection, and immense joy. Please help me get through today and my mind and heart hear you in fullest clairtyof what to do”. Colleen, as a true friend, with good thought of me and into this day, and what i have shared regarding attorney posing best option , and now finding letter i wrote when seeking a place of stability and comfort for myself, asking God guidance,and finding it after this conversation with attorney. can you wholeheartedly tell me that this may be the answer coming from our Lord?
            The individual who power washed my house, had conversation today and he said he saw i have anxiety and if he could say so that i have good instinct however the anxiety gets in may of sound decsion when anxous. And he stated he had thought when seeing my house and hearing about all happened, his thought was as attorney give it back best thing for me, but he would not say as thought my heart in staying here. I have alot to unfold I believe. I am curious to hear if this is My Shepherd leading me ,His very sheep to better circumstance by this notion of giving house back to Seller??? I need many details myself, do not certainly want to loose money ? i need put aside now. but I wanted to share that this note suddenly dropped out of a blanket i picked up to clean that was in room where unpacking still belongings all in this guest room.
            Have a good afternoon and evneing, one of purest rest andd restoration as i am sure heat pretty intense by you more than where i live here in SC.
            Still in 100’s , i not sure then how much hotter by you can be. or same.
            Stay cool and well
            Love and Peace always
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I just interviewed a man who wrote a book on waiting. In it he says one of the hardest things about living the Christian life is accepting the dreams God gives us along with the lives God allows for us to endure. They can be in such conflict that we question our ability to know what is right and true. I do not think for one moment that this has been a mistake. I look back at how you have grown through the trials…the countless, never-ending pressures…and I see such incredible growth it takes my breath away. In spite of how you feel, you must think about how you have grown…learning to establish boundaries, learned stuff through the ebay issues, learned how to do things you would have not had to do unless this had happened. You have engaged your mind to focus on Christ in the midst of horrible discomfort, fear, anger, and betrayal. You have been lied to but I don’t sense a hint of bitterness. You have been deceived but you are not filled with revenge. These are amazing qualities and character traits of a Godly woman, Sandra. I don’t think I would have been nearly as kind or forgiving…I’m a fighter and God has done a huge work in my life and humbled many areas because of my fighting spirit. On the other hand, He has come to you, kept you safe, out of the rain, calmed you, found you at every point when you could have otherwise become lost. You have learned about the legal world, contractors, home improvements, problem solving, thinking creatively about how to move forward, engaged your mind and never once have I heard a tone of being a victim. Sand, you are an amazing person but often the most amazing people don’t feel amazing because they are so dedicated to doing what is right before our Lord. Remember Joseph in Genesis…God gave him a dream but it wasn’t until 22 years following that the dream was a reality. In the midst of it all, God reminds us that He was with Joseph and Joseph was faithful. I see your faithfulness to our Lord and it’s a huge lesson to me…your life has had a great impact on mine as I’ve walked with you through all of this. It is easy to assume that when we ask God for something, the road to it will be smooth because it’s from Him. However, the road is rarely smooth because what He is giving us is what He wants for us which is far better than we can ask for ourselves. He also is giving us more of Himself…the very filling we need most. I think you have and continue to walk in accordance to His will, He is providing, and when you are overwhelmed, take a walk outside, remember He keeps the birds fed, the oceans balanced, the sky and stars in their place, the galaxies in perfect order…He does it all without tiring. So He will continue to do for you…though it is hard, it is right. You are so loved by our great God. Praying continually, Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen…hello.I am so glad to connect rught now. I sittong in car crying yet again after attorney visit….he took 3hours of time..did not charge but I will write more later that so need our Lord show me the way…it seems whichever way before me costs….even contigency and if loose pay seller attorney costs . I seem to have gone from what thought was deepest pain and hurt to yet a deeper that never could imagine someone feel such bottom out hurt. I read yiur notes..most incredible and kind thiughts. I had to write from cell phone and clear face to go into 7pm support grouo adult children meeting…when settled back home and in morning I want read through all notes again and I will tell you more from where at in middle of complete mess….i agree God has always shown me He provided and clearly with me no matter who horified or bad this is feeling…I am so grateful to have connected for your encouragement of me and all circumstance and incredible insight and wisdom are right now like stars shining with yet the most gentle embrace. I sit and cry more for how again God provided me your most gracious thoughts in time I truly needed this loving care and encouragement.love and peace Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I want to go back and read all your notes today, that is my intention to go back and review all .all your incredible thoughts for me to yet absorb .I wanted to Thank you for praying for me and so much care in doing so. If it is okay to ask please do continue to pray what you have intended for me that the enemy be disempowered in my presence by Our Almighty God of Highest Point of Love and Greatest Good,of Grace and Light and Love of protection around me. I write with concern last nite was the first nite the enemy approached me in my dream.visually as real as true.I did not invite nor accept this presence,so startled awoken and did all to firmly show not welcome,onlly the Hightest point of Love and LIght of Almighty GOd and Jesus Christ are welcome in my home. I was so annoyed with seeing this presence and fought to send away.
            Instead of Jesus in white robe and so safe and peaceful energy overcometh me, i awoken from first a feeling someone walking outside and before awoken in the dream was someone with dark robe walking over rolling hills and i felt very frightened and eery, there was no Light behind HIm or around Him,and he had long dark hair. It was around 2am,and I felt very uncomfortable. i ran to my note of “Be Strong in the Lord and in His Mighty Power, Put on all GOd’s armor so that you be able to stand firm against the strategies of the Devil”. and I kept reading over and over this,and then opened the Bible and kept reading, it seemed being nervous I landed on of all verses, Hannah’s Prayer of Praise,and kept rereading. It was Hannah that you had shared with me,and my Bible page opened up there, I did go to Revelations toward end reading I think Revelation 21 and 22. I kept calling upon Jesus to come and surround me and our Heavenly Father bring in all the Angels to place at each window and door,eventually I saw and could sense all with me again here. Jesus even had me put out my hand to connect with energy of His unconditional Love and LIght .
            If there is a specific verse i can go to if this ever occurs again. I seemed to suddenly be fearful of my soul Light being targeted like never had i expereinced. I need ask you a question, if I were to pass away without being married and a true significant one to look after me,hold me before burial and be certain the most Godliest of Ministers recite something to protect me at natural burial site selected, how am I certain that the enemy will not take my Light of my Holy Spirit or is this not possible, and that with the same armor in Earth life, I will be protected? I know these seem odd questions, I jsut need to see if there is an answer. Thank you
            Also I am still processing all, no decisions, and i need explore the attorney general further, i looked a bit the other day. I did go to the meeting that nite of Adult Children and I am glad that i did, I was able to express outloud that i was dealing with alot of suppressed anger and the week prior reading in this group was so raw and direct reflection that I became more angry and wanted to tear up the book,although i quickly realized the book is constructive good for me for what i am seeing happening change my level of awarenss,as painful and angry it may be,it is not the book to tear up.
            I also wanted to say that i do believe we have so much in common, I too have been a fighter and still working on the humble teachings of our Lord to always redirect my thought to reflect what is it I am fighting for. and I guess the Serenity Prayer I have been hearing more to reflect too. Thank you for your kind thoughts of me too,and being so honest with me on this journey,as for me there is nothing as real and true than genuine unconditional acceptance of what real and true. I just live to be true and I believe that is why I am always seeking the truth for me and when there appears lacking integrity it stirs me to find the truth and bring to surface what i know as the truth always within my boundary. I still working through this about myself,but i know that it is almost like my Soul Purpose ,to be true and of the truth, at least I becoming aware and learning this is a part of who I am.
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,

            The most important issue in your note is that of life after earthly death. It’s quite interesting that while you are asking me about light and darkness/good and evil, my own son is battling the same quandaries. We have chosen to believe in a God we cannot see but one who never fails or falters in His promises to us. One of those is that when we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, there is nothing that can steal our eternal security with our Lord unless we totally deny our faith all together. The enemy delights in our doubts; thus we must remember God’s promises to protect and provide until we meet Him. Nothing can put out the light of life in Christ that is alive in us unless we invite the enemy to take over…witchcraft and selling out to the enemy’s control. You are no where near that danger, Sand. If anything, the enemy is hitting you with his strongest devices…disappointment, doubt, discouragement, disease…tools used to wear us down until we are tempted to give up and say it’s not worth it. I hear nothing but steadfast clinging to our Savior in your voice. It’s easy to believe when we are so dedicated to our Heavenly father, things will be simple but to the contrary, the enemy goes to work on the most zealous, the most committed, the most sincere…why get one who is lukewarm when he can snag one who is hot and then turn them to a bitter cold. Regardless of when and where you take your last breath, the Lord your Savior will be with you and will provide for you…never worry about that. You belong to the King of Kings…You are His beloved so you can rest in His good and faithful plans for you.
            I have no clue what the future holds for you my dear friend. I do know that Romans 5:1-5 states that our trials force us to endure, and from endurance comes perseverance and perseverance cultivates a deeper faith. That is what iis happening in you and it is a grand growth process to watch unfold. I promise to continue faithfully to pray and I believe God will somehow make a way for you that we cannot know of at this time. Be at peace tonight and I hope you rest deeply and securely. Colleen

            Colleen Swindoll Thompson

            Insight for Living

            Director-Special Needs

            972-473-5016

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I was so glad to connect with you, and about these topics,and that you are discussing the same process with your son. I often feel as tender as he in the sense of how you are able to have these conversations and he trusting his vulnerabiilty with what others may not question as he and I seem to do more so? Maybe i am wrong,but I sense a depth we may share with this. I am grateful for your thoughts on this. I tossed and turned last nite frightened again as I made the mistake of letting the unhealthy friend know where i was going to have natural burial,as I have noone to honor this for me being without a husband i began thinking about it and I was sharing a story of a woman I saw video who had been in a coma and left her body for a time, talked with her father on the other side while knowing all that the dr’s were doing with her in hospital but in coma. Her father on other side encouraged her to go back and she did and has told her story. It is how i see those that I have loved pass over, there is alot of Light,and I was speaking to this unhealthy friend about all the amazing Light,and bliss on other side when I can see where have gone in death,,and suddenly this friend was asking “since i had mentioned all this Light and where to be resting” he wanted to know and see where i was thinking to be if something happened. He has been doing alot of work on himself,psychologist appt, and really looking at his behavior and self, i began to trust a little more communication than had been cut off. I isolated,and for much time he isolated so I thought cannot really be harm to talk. so I have talked with him more,still protect self in ways that I speak openly about now,like if communication unclear or sounding off beat,we have actually discussed more openly to resolve.. But then he touched a handmade broom in my house and the energy that it vibrated from person who made it is gone ,I know sounds probably odd,but i notice these things,and very connected to energies. i no longer sense that what i loved about it, it resonated the one who hand made it,and now gone,flat energy,and the same nite had the dream of Evil devil coming to me. It may have beenthis individual of darkness showing self? so I have not spoken to him other than this image did not like and for him to have brought or sent here,I do not welcome here this. I never read his response. I have just so could not for my disappointment and some shock that this not okay.
            Again what on Earth not as seen,there is so much more in Spiritual level happening,and I began to wonder if now this unhealthy friend knows where i reside,is it possible he like the energy and Light of vibration of my broom, can he suck my energy before I can be with Jesus Christ. I believe you are saying that nothing can happen like this,and that Jesus is my Savior, my Lord and He will keep me with Him even in the end of time on Earth and pass me over with Him,in His glorious Light and Love, and Bliss, no worries,no pain. Just Heavenly Bliss. Thank you for your kind thoughts with all of this process,and thank you for sharing your sharing in experience of having lived through a time of what seemed not many to talk to so deeply of what is so real and true. I feel a bond we share in our journeys, that somehow parallells in many ways. I am so glad we connect and that we too can talk about anything always. I am so glad to be considered a friend,and to connect with you.
            I hope that your healing is continuing to bring improvement of comfort and ease of movement, I know you mentioned you are excercising,and a healthy summer may this be for you.
            With His Love being all I wish to bring,
            And Peace
            Love Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I have something else on thought this morning , i did sign up to take volunteer training to help pup sit those dogs that are in special needs training,as special needs working dog may have his trainer away for a weekend where being fostered in his /her home and trained,and/or if dog spayed or neutrered it needs a respite space, I am afriad that this may not be the time for this as my house is so unstable that i am unstable too and for other emotional reasons that I doing so much self work, I realize a dog is so comforting and needs unconditional love which i have to give and we both would benefit but I am becoming aware the training 50 mile drive and three days in row and then they need inspect my house for approval too. then I concerned with my attachment for a weekend and having the need to return dog, right now emotionally I am uncertain if will bring me greater hurt or depression to have had that bond but not permanent. It may be too upsetting to what little if any balance I do have in my personal life at this time. So I probably will need to hold off .
            Best regards, I look forward to coming back to read your thoughts more thoroughly today
            Have a Blessed Day,
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,

            I think it is a wise decision to clear your plate of as many responsibilities as possible. You are expending so much energy trying to exist that adding the pet training would possibly put you over the edge. I admire your courage to put that on hold and we can revisit that at a later date. Good thinking! Colleen

          • Sand

            Thank you Colleen for helping me with clarity with this pup sitting training. I so want to participate,and think at some level will feel so loved by dogs licking me and wanting to be so near and playful,that is what I will miss until timing comes again where I will be more stable and able to partake in travel to and from three straight days and the actual training and then take on weekends that may feel I attach and feel less good that need bring dog back after weekend ends. so for now I will let them know i need to pass this training.
            Thank you so much for working through this with me,
            Have a very Blessed morning.
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I seem to be so very unsettled after that vivid dream I was startled and awoken from last nite. In meantime, I have yet another thought and some frustration with the woman i speak to mostly on email as we live some 50 mintues away. She can be so supportive,and then goes through silent phases. She had not responded to me when I was without a home in past,and then suddenly we picked up somewhere this Winter/Spring time? and now she is silent again. She claims when I had asked her if all was okay by her,that she was unusually quiet in reply when I mentioned house update. She has been supportive but no reply and to some other email. She wrote the heat and not sleeping has her off balance,and that she does “not like to talk about the negative”. I have thought about this,and it is bothersome for me as I cannot control her boundary,however what i am learning is that is not what a healthy relationship is to just stop talking when things are negative. I can only respect her boundary at this time.I am trying not to judge either,as that is not what my intention is, i guess i am simply hurt that another relationship has yet another feeling of emotional abandonment when cannot talk because her life feeling negative? I still praying for new harmonious fluid open hearted relationships to present themselves ,and I know they will.
            Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,

            You have asked an honest question here…one that many are not equipped to answer because life has not fallen to shreds as yours has or mine did years ago. There was a period of time when the burdens of life were so heavy I did not have but one soul to talk with. It was an incredibly lonely season but no one was to blame. Reason being, when life has taken you under as yours has and mine did, not many people have experienced such a difficult passage. As a result, they are not equipped to handle the questions and quandaries you encounter along the way. I am glad she has been honest in stating her boundary and not shut you out completely. When I encountered this, I simply knew there were things I could and could not discuss with most people. You are dealing with the very raw and deep parts of life right now; not many are courageous enough to dive in and dig their way through. But you are and it’s okay that other’s are not able or equipped to do so. My thought is that you carefully choose what to share and t share with this person, take her at her word…she isn’t able to handle it…and don’t read into it any more than what is said. Try not to assume fault or guilt; just take her at her word. God will continue to provide a select few to walk this road with you and you will be forever changed. Just remember, you are on a very rare and raw path; there is purpose in it and the Lord will reveal that to you as time passes. I hope this helps. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am positive now this morning ,the one that came to me in my dream the other nite is Evil ,whether Devil attached to the unhealthy friend or another spirit of darkness that lives attached to him,as this may sound odd ,but I had seen in a room when I first moved into the house, and wondered if spirit from neighboring house,but it was after this unhealthy friend walked through my house and it appeared later,and saw a few times,until recently house was cleansed by woman sent Reiki and energy of Angels and I did alot of cleansing, now unfortunately it is here, attached somehow i believe to my broom,and i saw in frightening way in that dream.
            I am angry i guess, more at myself for listening to him making changes and identifying himself as he would not ever hurt me and has not ever hurt me? that he availble to help me with some things with house,outside deck repair,etc, like you said i kept distant and did not accept ,and then our talking seemed to be on front porch and visited a few times talking there. We talking more open about what working on personally,and he too i was so proud to hear,yet this happened that so sickens my soul. i explained before this happened with dream, mentioning this weekend that he did hurt me,and I do not know who he is and I do not have trust in him for that reason. We talk about things openly so i thought that as long as i keep my boundary,and firm on my way I choose to live in Jesus and my being is all responsible of self…essentially it about me and my self that is all I am responsible for,if i do not like something I remove myself. I did express clearly this unwelcome here in writing my disharmony that now i need cleanse space again,and this is why we had stopped talking,this energy is unwelcome here,and there it is . and i had not looked at any communication as this has to me become very serious as i much more aware and sickened from this,and thougth i said where i was to be buried. I had forgiven and moved on knowing i only responsible for myself,and let him i guess come too close to my living space now. This is all bothersome to my Spirit ,this dark spiritual stuff that somehow creeps in when least expected it.
            I am sorry, I know i have been troubled by this in past but not to this degree that which I am seeing clear and so fully aware of much more and seeing in dream much different than before too.
            I will cleanse my space. i will go walk as i dislike the energy here right now.
            I will keep you posted.
            With Love,
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I wanted to ask with your awareness being so clear of my situation.nobody trustworthy for executwr of my will. What do those do in my situstion…I not part of commuity/church where trustwirthy minister or another close to. I literally cannot see who can ask. My dr cannot. Maybe I can find an attorney who will take out plans? Natural burial cemetary…I definitely now believe I need choose another natural burial cemetary or section as what shared earlier about concern light of soul will ne sucked out before Jesus . I truly want to rest with this part and maybe after your response to recent thoughts I will have yiur wisdom for certain whether this is safe concern or still no need that my Savoir will sweep me up in His very own hands and I will be free. Thank you for listening and encouragement and incredible grace and wisdom. …maybe my conversation was intended so that your conversation with son can include this very perspective in question and answer of good and evil etc…I am so glad to be able to connect with you on these challenging issues I experience. My intentiom is soon I will bring good news of something amazing and of His work anazing Grace .
            with Love and Hope
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I know of several companies that help people with living wills, end of life decisions (also called “DNR”s for Do Not Resuscitate), and the like. They usually offer a free first consultation then a fee depending on what you choose to set up. Dave Ramsey uses “Preferred Local Providers”, individuals specifically trained for your needs who are located in an area hopefully close to you. I know he’s talked of Zander Insurance Company but I would go to Dave Ramsey’s site and look it up. Dave’s site also uses “Legal Forms, USA”…a company that offers legal forms for all kinds of legal issues. You fill in some information, there is a fee to order the documents, then you go to your county legal office to file them for whatever you are pursuing. Also, a company called “Legal Shield” offers expert advice and legal help at a very minimal monthly fee. I have found them to be extremely responsive and well educated in their specific areas of practice. Finally, there is software you can purchase at places like Staples, Best Buy, Office Max, Office Depot, or on Amazon. I have seen one titled “Will Maker Pro” and other medical software items for legal things. Hopefully that gives you a start in what you are looking for. You have a lot going on right now, make sure you are not taking on too much but just slowing to do one thing at a time and listening to the sounds of summer, music, and quit solitude. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you for these resources for the actual will/living will,etc. I am sorry if you were not able to understand what I was writing,as I know I wrote so much. The issue is more of who to list on the will documents as Executer/Power of Attorney, that is my issue trying to come up with someone that will act in my behalf. To arrange burial, where i will have designated on will,etc. I will work through all this. I appreciate the resources for actual document and if will save money i will look at these instead of hiring an attonrey to document my wishes. I do first need to know who i will list as an Executer. This unhealthy friend stated he would do ,although this weekend i was really mixed feeling as not sure if someone is able to take energy at death? or I am maybe unrealistic, although I know what i saw in dream and I know what i feel uncertain of,so I am not sure i wish for him to be ,if alive upon my death,and if i not remarried by that time, if this is the individual at burial site i trust with my soul going to be in right place. As you have said our Lord will keep me no matter what? If so, i may need make this decsion for temporary need. I am uncertain at this time. Yes i think i am feelign very much need for mental rest tonite and will put aside for later week.
            Have a good evening
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            I would wait to make this decision. The friend you speak of is too uncertain…in your best interest, I would not consider listing this person. However, there is someone out there and the Lord will bring you too the right person at the right time. For now, just examine what you need to do, look over the documents, and take your time…there is no hurry. May God be with you. Colleen

          • Sand

            Thank you very much for this Insight…..I will let go and let God…another reminder to breathe and trust He has all in order for me and let it come as its own timing .
            thank you
            with love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen,
            i was just reading my daily “Just a Moment with God” Kay Arthur calendar. a little behind, reading June 28,2015 i read today, “Blessings In DIsguise” ” In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials. 1 Peter 1:6″
            “To consider it all joy is to look down the long road to the eternal….to look beyond the trial to the end result,which is you, perfect and complete, lacking nothing. Trials are blessings in disguise. ”
            Have a good evenign Colleen,
            Love Sandra

          • Sand

            yes with this woman friend, she really not my friend really. No friend truly will just shun you when she decides. She controls the relationship of whatever kind it is. It reminds me very much of my family. Actually my mother,the cold hearted sense of her own wounds of heart, she is not equipped to be my freind. She shunned me today by not responding,and that is like the time i did not have a home to go to, she just did not reply when i sent an email of whether she knew of anyone that may have a room or space to rent on month to month, and i was without stable home, she never said oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I will keep an ear open for you, simply nothing. So I am not perfect in any regard, I guess there is some bitterness on some days COlleen. especially on days like these.
            I will stay my course and keep seeking the Lord loving energy to come fill me with His very presence,and lessen my fight to keep Him so close,that trusting He is here with me even if I feel different.
            As you say there is a purpose in it and the Lord will reveal that to me as time passes I trust .
            Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            You have every reason to feel angry and justified in your frustration. And yet, I was just reading today that when we harbor such emotions, the enemy takes every opportunity to twist and alter our thinking. One of the things I do with Jon and I practice myself is to write down any bitter thought, any resentment, any negative worry on paper; then all the notes in a fire-safe container and burn them up. That way, they are out of my heart, out of Jon’s heart, and we have no need to ever return to them. Sometimes a visual practice like this is helpful…we see the junk melt away and there is freedom in that. So maybe take some time to ask the Lord about every irritation, bitter resentment, frustration, anger, whatever…to search your heart as King David asked of our Lord; write each down and then get rid of it all together. There is purification of soul in this practice that may be useful to you in the days ahead. You are so loved and cared for my dear friend, Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen i was just coming back to say thank you again as I calmed down hearing these really are more feelings than what truly is….I am so glad to hear this perspective .and I love what you do with thoughts that weaken our armour. ..I will try this truly very good way to regain thoughts…I kept saying help guide my thoughts but that dream and change of energy in my personal space really set me off that I was not able function. I am glad to hear this way I can work with this with me
            thank you for sharing what yiu and Jon find useful
            with love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to add, as I am researching online with my vivid dream last nite, I found some verses to recite. The shock was to read that there is a lake of fire that the Lord takes the enemy to. I know this will difficult for anyone to believe me say, but in this vivid moment of dream as enemy appeared as did, strangely the heart had a light ,not nearly like a radiiant light but there was light, i recall in dream beleiving that was not enough with the exterior being dark and knowing it was not Jesus at all as He is most radiant Light and comforting peace energy I know well now, so what i wanted to say is as I awoke and was praying nonstop and calling to Jesus and our ALmighty God to come and keep me protected and send all His Angels to help protect me and my home, I was still in bed and at same time praying after read Bible a while I was resting while praying so eyes shut,and when I was seeing this enemy i visualized in this awakened dream while eyes closed, the enemy seemed to appear melting into what seemed to be then red flames of fire. I had not mentioned as i was so frightened i was opening eyes as i did not want to see anymore of this enemy,however with my research online it appears that Jesus came and put the enemy to the “lake of fire” to protect me last ntie??? I am uncertain but wanted to let you know what i did see. Finally i kept praying and did sense the LIght and Love coming into my space with me replacing this enemy,and I fell asleep still on guard but I fell to sleep after this sense of knowing God with me and I not letting go.
            With Love and Peace
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen….what a distressing 24 hours…it sounds so simple now…I waited today to see The Bible continues series on tv and not on tv…..that was going help me before end nite esoecially agter last nite I so wanted fill my house and heart with the next part of tjis series….and empty to see…I will read more Bible before bed and pray my armour continue throufh sleep time.
            love Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen.I pretty well amess and evwn more interesting what I learned to accept .Very onteresting topic I would like open up to more.
            goodnite
            With hope
            In Faith .even if not Christian someday maybe…and of not liike in movie Raggamuffin”God loved him and showed Him the way to peace…terible ending in movie for me to view as he struggled so socially and with his upbronging of dysfunction and when found his purpose..he was just going to live in service on Earth feeling clear and cettain his divine purpose and he died. I tealize thete nothing better rhsn to be in eternal life woth our Lord. Maybe that was a good ending to go to our Lord so ccomplet
            I look forward to connecting on all subjects I procesing these past days
            with friendship
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Colleen
            I began cleaning laundry and trying wash what unpacked on countertop. And then sat down and a tv program educationsl channel etv has a louisana bird habitat in land comsrvation that trying preserve.well the university there has Mr Oconnell I think name was that takes preserved birds and has painted on canvas these birds….so beautiful that I will put on my list to visit and see uf can visit him as that is what I so intended to do as left highschool. I recrived art watetcolor awards that were grants pretty much paid for my going away to art school. My art teacher helped me achieve all that. I was doing really well in illustration classes I loved really…then suddenly receoved second year bill and had a shock of what cost and panicked…I left school not knowing on own how to pay and going back home was no longer where I belonged. Finally through trial and error of part time trials in different programs I seenseemed to find myself in shools outside the state I was in and commuting for trial nyc and both schools by my home and outside there in nyc there was students and teachers uncaring and focused on highest perfection and more fashion design where first school more illustration as I enjoyed and with the greater compettion and cut throat pressure I left and lost confidence. I ended up going to a local college that lost my way trying part time working ftulltime and then left home and decided I work three jobs and full-time school to finish faster. It ended with concentration art therapy which I did love although seeing this program I stopped painting over 25 years ago and when see this professor painting identical color and how birds look that is what I always dreamed of doing. I have while in my home here decided when can get through all my unpacking in guest room and paint room it will be my art riom with long table and I will paint agsin someday….when all settled here I believe and have a happy vision of this painting and meditatiom room
            just wanted share.if I someday travel to louisiana I will see how far you are in tecas maybe be able say hello at insight for living! I would liove be able sit with the prifessor and gradually find myself painting birds .
            love and prace
            sand

          • Sand

            Colleen did you see dateline tonite. I know controversial but oil of cannabus plant stopped seizures. I am amazed. I do not know your thoughts but wonderkng if you saw dateline special on tv tonite I could not ever imagine a parent saying we doing ok when 300 seizures in
            a short time versus many more in numberr
            Love Sandra

          • Sand,
            I did happen to see it and know that has worked for some individuals with various disorders. I choose to refrain from my personal beliefs because I can’t make any decision for another and have not been presented with that kind of need. Since it is used legally in many states, I’m sure more will follow. I do believe there is more use of it as a recreation drug than for medical reasons. I do believe one must take each decision before the Lord and then be responsible for the consequences. It is very helpful for some very difficult disorders and it does change brain chemistry in certain ages. Since I am not in a state that has allowed it used, I am not as familiar with all the reports…each report rather for or against will have documentation to prove their point. That is about as far as I’ve taken it due to legal issues with where I live and my son’s needs. It was a very interesting interview. Thanks for sharing. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen.yes it was interestimg interview and tt is relief for the family member suffering in interview.I too find interestong.
            Thank you too for your thoughts and guidance with what I currently processing.I appreciate your supportive care of me
            with gratitude..
            Sandra

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, when i first read your thoughts i was at the park finishing with walk,just before that at dentist, a veneer came off yesterday and kindly one of the partners of my dentist was avaialble today and came into his office 430 to put back on for me. I was grateful and then walked at park.
          I came home and reading your thoughts again. I know what you are saying is true, it registers as truth and real,yet on other side i keep believing we are all wounded. And the soft gentle part of this person is his work, coming into his work space, he has always said it is the only place that he “feels safe”, and honestly when in his work he is caring ,thorough and all those come to see him get better faster and move on.He has a great reputation.He has a side that i have seen is emotionally abusive really,the abrasive or munipulitive side i thougth he only shows me as i was his friend,yet there are other clients i question his use of munipulation when seeing them vulnerable,only those he thinks he can control emotionally or be less than compassionate at times is what i sense..I know this is not good at all, i have expressed in past but somehow i seem to forgive and move on. I do not know why but I believe part of my dysfunction?
          I dont know how he does it,how he hides this and when he leaves office and goes home is where issue begins bigger and most prodominent of his character. I have always asked him in past which one are you,the one at office or at home…he seems confused when i ask and could never identify who he is…he said recently he need find who he is . I have kept the boundaries ,I will not go to his house in many months now,almost 9 months? and even then I hated it and would not stay or say no thank you. There was one time about 4 years ago maybe at his house when i first had seen this side of him, he was talking to me as if not him, he seemed like an entity had gone in his body even the tone of his voice changed,and he said we all have dark sides and i am alot like him and to come with him . I refused and left,and that was truly the beginning of the end of trusting him in personal space. That is around time I addressed him being having a demon possession,and he seemed like i was rejecting him and his face seemed ashamed or like no it is not a demon in me…as if he did not remember the experience. I am positive what i saw and when I see Angels around me,they are huge and white and soft energy of Highest point of Love, when I visualized the entity he is it is dark and armored so heavy looking with small wings but all black or dark green or brownish,
          and definitely strong feet ,i would see this in the beginning of end when i would literally feel i need to escape and leaving town for day and he would like follow me,and this entity i would see on windshiled. I am saying all this as I believe you will trust my intuition and visualizations. I can see things. I know no matter what that you will accept me with this. I have not seen this entity as my woman friend did Reiki for me and helped me as well call in Angels of God and I surround my house with them and I cleansed space months back now, and I will not let him inside my house any more as It is only those of Highest point of love that i will let enter. So I am keeping some major boundarires of space like my personal space for me and only those i mention that come into my life with Highest integrity and highest point of Love of God only. And stopping by his office was unusual as I had stopped all togehter stopping in to talk with him, and that boundary will remain less to none really. Now i need determine if he safe at work enough to get the massage ,my dr said why would i do that. but at work he keeps to his professional work,and maybe i totally numb to categorizing him like this,but i supposed to go this wednesday .And then there was what he said regarding my boundaries that i noted in last note to you,and I cannot have someone work on me that trying to “target ” me as you say to steer me away from those good healthy choices I am making and my new relationship with Jesus. I am going to put this down tonite and I am going to be connecting with you with this subject. Because today was a day i had not felt so sad about myself, with Adult Children of Alcoholics being so direct to why and what characteristics I have been working on but when in this book of this organization it just rings so much more direct. It was alot for me to take in and still processing, not that i dislike myself now,but I have alot to process. today i watch your interview with Grace ALliance and that was such a great resource of information and for viewing his family experience.and it led me to write an email to Grace Alliance with subject “help me find support in my community” as there are none of these groups listed, I need to know that I can trust and be accepted,and if there is anyway they can help identify what may be local to me connected to Grace Alliance but that i was not able to see on website,then I thought okay I am willing to try
          Best regards Colleen and I am very glad that we connected. It was a message only God orchestrated. As I read this week my daily calendar there were the “D’s” i think 5 D’s , discouragement (Joshua 1:9), disappointment (Psalm 31:14:15,) the one today was scary for me, “The Final Deadly D = 2 timothy 1:7 KJV” D for Demorilzation….”For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power ,and of love, and of sound mind”. 2 Timothy 1:7…..it was scary as were these messages From God that i have been asking for clarity and what true for me, and that these so happend to be on this calendar, and the fact i feel this myself sometimes like i running in circles concerned me too and usually when i am not trusting like this unhealthy friend, and it does happen other times but alot less now that i have less contact and more power of our Soveirgn God.
          So I will leave these thoughts just for now,so i can process more overntie and tomorrow. I am grateful for your supportive loving care of me and concern to help guide me through this when i am feeling a tad less empowered. I keep reading Bible and will stay the course. Today was difficult day for my mind and sad heart and soul,just so disconnected. I am so glad that I connected with you today.
          God knows and brings these moments that He just knows I need to hear these thoughts of loving care through this.
          Thank you and with heart of gratitude
          Best regards for your wellness and healing and your son too.
          With you in heart and mind with these healings,
          Sandra

          • Sand,
            Ok, this is amazing…Jon’s previous school’s theme verse was “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power ,and of love, and of sound mind”. 2 Timothy 1:7”…THAT is sooooo cool!!!!! How easily we are afraid and yet, in knowing Jesus, we have no reason to fear but to rest in God’s strength. I won’t make this note long but I will say as I explained in the other note, going in for a message…especially when there is body contact of any kind…puts you in a vulnerable position. Of course he is great at what he does…he sounds like a very nice, likable, hard working guy. AND, when you go in for a message feeling no evil, that is exactly what the enemy loves…you don’t have your guard up because it “feels” safe. In spite of how it feels, the TRUTH is what you must live by…do not go anywhere that puts you in a place of compromise. If you have said there is to be no contact, then it is a compromise to break your word. You are not going because of your request, your need for remaining strong, your development. The enemy LOVES for us to “FEEL” okay…society puts so much emphasis on our “feelings” that we have lost sight of the truth and the truth keeps us safe, strong, and free. All my love to you my precious friend. Colleen

          • Sand

            That is pretty cool Colleen, I am so happy that your family has had the opportunity to have schools for Jon and probably for your other children too that offer a good foundation of Christ and that you have offered this life at home for your children. I always love to hear how you speak with Jon and really shine the thread of Jesus throughout these conversations always.
            Colleen, I am feeling guilty if i go get a massage as if i doing something wrong,although my body needs this level of work and that i know is what my body needs to release lymph and energy flowing to help me revitalize. It is separate than this individual issues,he is capable as i have experienced in past to put all aside and provide what is needed in session for client,me. Even if this is last time, i did inform him that we will see how it works out,but i already intend to find someone else. With increased energy after toxin removed by massage and body lighter to keep on my path i feel i can justify this. I need to also ask is this why the Church shunned me, they heard my anxiety and despair on phone and email when asking to see the minister before i started to write you, is his action to avoid me this same idea of what we are discussing,because honestly if it is , I will not do that to someone else. Yes this indiviudal has some more obvious “demons”, but if he does follow through with the help he set out to do, then maybe all he needed was support . No his behavior is toxic in personal self,and how he has disregarded many healthy ways of living. I can only speak for myself in saying I am staying the course of change,even if there are these few lessening obstacles. I do not want to believe now if i go get a massage that God is going to not be happy with me. That is how my family belief was,if i behave wrong I will be punished. I am so mixed up right now. I may think about resting as you say. I am really sad. really really sad about all this.
            I am grateful for your openness to talk with me,and all the effort you do make to keep me safe and well,and really care about me .
            I know God will keep me safe and even if I go for a massage ,He will show me what is true for me ,itf it is not He simply will guide me a different direction that day or will show me that it did not work as I inteneded. and that i need simply find someone else in now for my Highest Good.
            I am not afraid,and know God will protect me.
            Thank you for your kind thoughts today and connecting with me on this yes very very hard issue, really issue(s), so many all at once.
            With gratitude for our connection and your thoughtsverses to explore today,
            With Love and care,
            Sand

          • Sand,

        • Sand

          Colleen. My head not feeling good tonite.it is like migraine coming as eyes blurry snd achy..I just wanted say that thus unhealthy friend always said he will not let any of these spirits hurt me. He seemed to not ask agsin with me going with him whether he dud mot remember or not he seemed keep me out of that after seeing my discomfort. He has characteristics that hurtful alone in his functioning which what I am hearing and learning in now is this is not work of God in actions to destroy other way. I think I getting it. that is part I do not trust him…no knowing when he slam. I wanted say he spoken to me in past when I asked whoch personality or person are you and why let dark in like that nite.he said it is what keeps him balanced? he believes need both.
          I will stay the course I have been called saved and followomg as my Shepherd. This other I walk away from.
          and will not invite into my personal space
          we wikl connect again with this subject .
          with Love
          Sandra

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I am writing of something I am concerned of mold in the house. I am working on referral to have lab work to see if weight gain and fatigue from the mold in a/c ducts by air toxic in house. I am too bloated and i saw this interview with Suzanne Sommers,and it is frigtening to say the least. Weight gain and bloating when i eat so well,i need listen to this possiblity. I hope to have appt in July. In meantime processing all we have been speaking about . Have a good day.

          http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/06/07/toxic-overload.aspx?e_cid=20150607Z1_PRSNL_art_1&utm_source=prsnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art1&utm_campaign=20150607Z1&et_cid=DM76862&et_rid=985014331

          Love Sandra

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I believe I have done and am doing all to be as righteous as believe to be for to be of God . I come to a place that i say i do not get it,have no expectation but why the twists and turns of intensity. I will find out more tomorrow as need contact the investigator i mentioned that said about 4 weeks ago that he was going to submit a claim for investiagtion and while he doing that on his end,that i gather three quotes for repair so that i will be ready for when he completed investigation! Well i need still learn what is true,and intend find the answers tomorrow. As the termite inspector who guided me a few months back to this State investigator, he replied earlier this evening by email that the investigator has contacted him regarding another home but has not had any mention of my home with him,and he claims that it would not have taken 4 weeks now to have his conclusion ,it would take only about one week. One ot the other quotes from a builder said same thing he has not heard from Investigator and it will only take about a week to conclude investigation.
      I am speechless, still somewhere deep within my livid chemistry right now beneath my very skin, i still trust and have a calm faith in my soul that feels fluid of serenity for that God surely knows what in the world is going on. Has this world gone so array that people have no conscious at all anymore. I have not heard anything by this State investigator. I will remain optimisitc and positive and faithful. ANd tomorrow may I learn that he did not brush me off but has a very good valid reason that he had not contacted the two who quoted work that i know of the three,and that it is taken longer for a very very good reason. Please no more delay.
      I learned of all this from Termite inspector email after a day i was pretty depressed with awakening to greater mold odor due to humidity rising here in SC summertime,and just let it all go and really disgusted and body had no vitality to move or drive,so i slept much of afternoon,and then last minute i said at 5pm i am going to do the drive out of town 50 minutes to the Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting for 7pm. well when i read this email on phone at gas station just before meeting, fifteen minutes before i sat and simply cried not knowing what in the world is going on. and thought i would not be able to walk into this meeting especially for the first time to this particular organization group. I ended up stepping into circle in building meeting was held. They welcomed me,and the book ,pretty amazing how direct and clear it was stated of exactly where i am in healing and understanding the effects of fear based relations and working to release the past ways of being,and finding my own identity. Well when it came to another lady beside me that needed to move away from her family, i lost it, tears welled up as it was too similar and such a deep hurt of having to remove oneself from your own biological family, i walked out,and then another young lady came out to use ladies room and she said kindly it is okay if i go back in as i was hesitating after crying a bit outside room in ladies room myself. This gal said she to needed come out for a short minute,and it is okay to return to circle. So i did. There was one individual there that said he has come to a place where he can now be near his family and beyond the confusion and the effect they had on him for so long, his healing allowed him to function with focus on himself now when around the parents of his own.
      I am going to call it a nite. Please keep me in a prayer with this investigation. My heart and soul have been waiting and relying on this investigation and settlement. Please God let it be true that in process and have a really good answer of reassurance tomorow. all God Will, I will remain trusting in His knowing what right and true for me and again in what timing He has best suited to bigger picture.
      WIth Love
      Sandra

    • Sand

      Colleen, I wanted to give you update from last nite. I am so relieved. I contacted the Pest Board President this am by email and i no sooner had call from who overseas the investigator,and he said he not ignoring me and will find out where investigation is at. Investigator no sooner called and he apologized. He also stated delay is due to the onwer of company who did my termite letter was out with emergency surgery and will meet with him upon his return,and that may be this week. Also he stated really he does not need contact those with quotes that i obtained. those are really for me and my purpose of when get repairs. He will follow up with conclusion of investigation soon.
      I apologized to him for i have had much betrayal with these processes and what i was hearing was leading me to believe there was no investigation in process ,and that I am grateful to hear that it is in deed in process and we on same page.
      I hope to go to another meeting today,i am not sure i am going to make the time as slow getting beyond this morning and drive is an hour in lunch traffic,so i will try?
      I look forward to connecting ,i hopeful that you are well
      Best regards
      Sandra

      • Sand,
        Oh this is good news!! I’m so glad to know someone is still looking after this problem and is trying to find a solution. It is very hard to wait; I think you are doing an incredible job of persevering and want you to know how impressed I am at your determination. Many blessings today to you my dear one. Colleen

  • Sand,
    It may be wise to step away from the subject and just breathe. You have not done a thing wrong, process this over time. God to a hobby store or color…get a children’s coloring book and colors and just be. We’ve hit this subject really hard, now it’s time to rest. All my love, Colleen

    • Sand

      I am glad that I have done nothing wrong as I do want to please our Lord completely,and just confusing what I am hearing and what actions to take.
      I guess I did same with my family for all those years, trying to help, being taken advantage and eventually so wrongly treated in hurtful ways beyond what i imagined would be outcome, and it took finally my letting go completely.
      Thank you Colleen for your loving care,I am going to pick up some limbs that fallen from trees outside. The bath sounds wonderful although the mold odor from bad floor will need be replacedd and then when that day come I am for certain going to do exactly that bath! I lvoe baths. When with my husband I would disappear for hours after dinner and soak for hours. I miss those baths and when my bathroom healthy air to breathe i will soak
      Love Sand (I know i changed to Sand for ocean sand and to keep my name more confiendtial, it sounds a little cold or cut off when I write Sand. I may need change to Sandee?)Goodntie.

      • Sand,
        You let me know what you prefer to be called and that is what I will use. It’s up to your comfort level….totally your call. Colleen

  • Sand,
    Most likely, your automatic stress responses are flooding your brain because this is a huge subject and it’s hitting a lot of emotional spaces for you. I would not be surprised if your cortisol levels are high…it would be wise to get some Epsom salts and take a long, hot bath. Give your body room to release and rest. Ask the Lord for His presence to fill your home, for whatever may or may not be there to be put into His hands. Just run to your Savior Sand, forget the house, the problems and all you have been fighting to clean your air and space and just run to Jesus. He is pure, clean, fresh, and wanting you to rest in Him. Colleen

  • Sand,
    I know you have written a couple more times but I did want to let you know I am going to pray specifically for this situation. There is nothing good about going to court because it’s a human institution that fails so many people and I would hate to see you eaten up in a fierce battle. You cannot take on the pressure right now in my opinion. However, I also know you are a survivor, a fighter, an advocate for what is right and all those excellent qualities may pull you through. Whatever you decide, I stand with you. I also want you to know God has not forgotten you or left you without a home. This earth is not our home, but we do have to find shelter of course. My prayer is that you will be given shelter and the enemy would be held back for this continued onslaught of beating down your spirit. You will be victorious through Christ…He is our victory in all things even if earthly things fail, God has not failed. So hang in there and I’ll read the other notes to find out if something has happened. All my care, Colleen

  • Oh m dear Sand,

    I’m sure the Lord can relate to the feelings of just when it seems like all it lost, it gets even darker. There are many deaths happening in this time…deaths to your dreams, wishes, expectations, and hopes. Sometimes it seems there is nothing left to die in us and then something like this pops up and we are thrown into a huge downward spiral. The most uplifting, encouraging, strength providing news is found in what Paul the Apostle wrote in 2 Corinthians 1…he let the people know he had the terrified fear of death on his life. In every way, he was surrounded and suffocated by hopelessness. Yet, he states several times it was only the comfort and grace of God that sustained and supported him…that came through in the final hour. Was it an easy path…NEVER..did he leave an irreplaceable mark on the Christian belief system…without a doubt! So it seems that you have been chosen to walk a very rugged road; one you are doing with grace and mercy provided only by the anchor of our Lord Jesus Christ.
    I am with you in this to the end. I don’t know what that looks like; I do know the one who has it already planned and is working in you and through you for something we cannot begin to understand. So stand strong by clinging to the anchor of our Heavenly Father; who was hurt in every way and understands our paths with intricate care and devotion.
    In His plentiful mercy and love, Colleen

    Colleen Swindoll Thompson

    Insight for Living

    Director-Special Needs

    972-473-5016

  • Sand,
    Did you get to see the fireworks? I bet they were incredible if you did. Also, Paul the apostle writes about ‘a peace that surpasses all understanding’ from a prison cell. God offers a peace like nothing on this earth can offer…usually when we are beyond our ability to endure or press on, HE becomes our peace and refuge. That is exactly what you were given here and what a joy it is to rest and refresh our lives with God’s spirit of pure, undivided peace. Oh I am so thrilled to know you enjoyed this time with our Father. Colleen

    • Sand

      Welcome Home! I still smiling. yes I had terible allergies in house lately with humidity high and i believe the mold thing happening, had migraine and took something and knew i needed to see fireworks, so yes i got dressed and drove 1 1/2-2 hours to Georgetown,SC and saw concert at museum lawn on a waterway there ,big for shrimping this area. I then walked a bit and found myself doing what I normally do not do, go out after dark, and saw fireworks off boating dock boardwalk up the road from concert. It was a little dangerous driving home as all rural and there were definitely unsafe dealings of gang type raised cars with big wheels around gas stations on this one roadway back, I sped through really,and this is why honestly I do not travel out of town like this after dark, too unsafe if broke down,literally in middle of nowhere, so i sped and tried to be upon at least one other vehichle driving dark rural roadway. I did see the fireworks. I did not get to the beach but I was in an area I had wanted to be near the water. Thank you for your kindness and “the only SAND” in the world , learning who I am. I had to retreat a little from the Adult Children of Alcolholics group as my dr stated I was not in “therapeutic window” with this as it was creating alot of distress and continues a little , not having realized that is so much of who I am ,and her telling me my “inner critic” is activiated right now. SO I backed a little on this group.
      I appreciate your kind thoughts and being such a warm person that I have in my life. I am grateful for our connection.
      I know the new relations that will come into my life will be Christ centered, I could not imagine even a new husband without Christ in His soul, the Holy Spirit.
      I look forward to continuing to read Ephesians, I thought wow, your speaking of the letters from Paul,and Paul writes in Ephesians as I was reading over and over the past nights. I do look forward to remembering all the verses how you do so well,and can comment so naturally as such a huge part of who you are.
      I continue to ask our Lord who I am, and when He is ready to reveal more of who I am,and greater my identifying with my Divine purpose He is working on right now.
      May you unwind from your travels and be at home now, your own bed will feel good and your favorite couch or chair that will unwind all that has experienced this travel and the joy of too returning to your own home, especially after the spine surgery , I believe it will be good to settle back to those pieces of furniture that you are accustomed and seem to massage those parts that experienced a change of comfort with travel.
      Love Sandra

  • Sand,
    This is such an exciting note!!!! You are more energetic and filled with hope than I have ever heard. It sounds like the acupuncturist is very familiar with the body, with the body’s needs and toxic complications that come with any kind of trauma. So thankful, SOOOO thankful for what has been provided through this wise resource and the hope it has brought you. There are few joys that are more enjoyable than that of hope and relief! How we long for such pure hope in all of life; how we appreciate it most when we have suffered much. I pray this specialist is able to unlock any binding issues and you are provided a road of light and hope through all this. I can’t wait to hear more about your treatments turn out and how you are doing over time. Much love Colleen

  • Sand,

    I read this through a couple of times before replying. I’m not sure if this helps but I will share with you what came to mind. Clearly you have gone above and beyond to find a remedy for the house problems. And, clearly you have done some growing in the recent months as you have become involved in several things, taken care of further healing, and have been in a better place emotionally. My gut instinct is this…the Lord promises to meet our needs, not our ‘wants’….when we have our needs met that were also part of our ‘wants’, it’s a double delight. Since the house does provide you shelter, my thought is that perhaps God has you in a place like the “Caves” writing published last week. You human needs for warmth, shelter, and safety are being met; providing you with time and space to focus on healing. You have been stronger in tone and outreach than I’ve ever known…maybe the house stuff can be let go of for a while. If it’s not making you sick or ill, keep pursuing the things you are doing to heal your soul. Then, when God’s timing opens, He may bring someone to help you with your home and you may be used by God in some way in their life but for now, the Lord needs you to keep growing and preparing. Does that make sense? There are times when we have to let lesser things go in light of the things God has on our plate that need our time and attention. Additionally, the house stuff continues to bring your spirit down…something the enemy would love to see happen. Yes, it is maddening to have your home in a bit of disarray and let’s never forget one of the enemy’s great tools is distraction. If he can get you distracted enough, you will more easily disconnect from the soul care that is going on in you. Therefore, I would give the whole thing to the Lord…telling Him “Lord, I will not be distracted by anything in this house and I need your help to keep me focused on what YOU want me to pursue so please keep my mind and soul focused on only YOU.” I would ask the Lord to bring to you the person He knows will help at the right time and until then, ask that He help you stay directly focused on God’s work in your life.
    I may be off here but I am seeing a pattern emerge…one that when house stuff comes up, your spirits drop…I get it. However, growing a resilient, patient, humble, contented spirit…which I see huge growth in your character…is what God desires for us all. One of the New Testament books is called James, named after the half brother of Jesus who wrote the book. It is similar to Proverbs in the Old Testament in that it is full of practical living direction. In chapter 4 verses 7-8a James says “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.raw near to God and He will draw near to you. My thought is that as you continue to draw near to the Lord and He is obviously drawing near to you, stay the course. Resist the temptation to be distracted with house things if possible. It doesn’t mean you will never get to it but it may be good to take a break…perhaps you want to ask the Lord for His direction on how long He wants you to wait or to show you His direction for what to do next. I would listen for His guidance, continue what you are doing, and let’s see what happens. You and I know you have tried everything else and the enemy would love to wrap you up in anxiety and knots once again. Let’s not let that happen…let’s allow the Lord to bring the people to you…He will, just seek Him and wait.
    This was my gut response…sit with it, see what you think and let’s see God’s plan unfold. Would love to hear your thoughts when you have time.
    Caring for you my dear friend. Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, Thank you so very much, what a full and dynamic filled note. Your thoughts are so right on with this pattern I began to be so clear with,and what you have shared is remarkable insight. I love what this “Caves” sounds like, I will look for this. And James scripture I will read. It is your thoughts shared that make complete sense,and how remarkable I asked the Lord as you have shared to ask what is my next step and He wants me to fly outward, to the volunteer work,and out of house issues. So I understand this insight you have so wonderfully and fully detailed for me, I am grateful and I know this took effort to construct for me. This is all truly remarkable. I am going to sit with these thoughts and read again and copy the prayer for His help with my focus and protecting my very Spirit with how I need let this go and focus on what and/or where He is guiding with all this. Is this remarkable. How devious the enemy i learning, and cannot let go of my intuition that gained,for this issue clear. “Greater Is He”. I cannot get over how miraculous our Lord works, He is truly amazing. yes I did sense the anger beneath trying to creep back into my very Spirit with this yesterday. Today I set all aside again, and I guess it was after I did connect with my attorney last evening, he answered his phone and we had a 25 minute conversation. He did not charge me at all for any time we have worked together. The distance I had been sensing, our communication broken down past 6 months regarding house was due to his applying for a govt legal position and he did get offer 10 days ago and accepted,therefore he no longer will be practicing privately,and he is going to help me and other clients transition to another attorney that he knows,and until we find the one that will work similar in that it is contigency ,nothing up front financially, he will make this effort to assist in transition. I sense in my gut that all the delays with house seem to be connected to this process, as if our Lord is wanting all to remain untouched until it is legally filed. After last nite, I was able to feel more fluid with where going, or where God leading me with this, and now today being able releas the distraction with greater understanding what is going on really Spritually. I even sensed another distraction coming in from unhealthy friend,an invitation to meet his new puppy,yet in head I hearing no,no,no,no,no, to let this go and follow what not toxic in relations with him, the puppy just a distraction but what that relation brings me, is “lessening me in Spirit”, this is all so very interesting to become aware,and I cannot feel guilty even with this,where normally I care about everyone,but there need be discretion with my Spirit senstitive and easily consumed by harsh and/or energies not of Light, kind of like too what i picked up on in the Healing sound group,this woman having disasociation with her reliving probably a horror experience,there was something not safe in my gut to be so near, it was not my role yet the instructor experience to offer what able in that moment, not a judgement yet a discernment of this learning follow our Lord lead or what I believe He saying to me, even with boundaries and where I supposed to be.With house I see Him freeing me outward in incredible Light of existence of Spirit. I look forward to this volunteering , I do believe something going to be exactly as He designed for me in this service and further where He taking me outward.so wild.
      I am going sit with all you have shared,and i look forward to reading James.
      Thank you so very much Colleen for your sensitivity to my situation, my feelings and this pattern identified by paying dear attention to me,even when I am having this difficulty in understanding what happening.
      You are a precious gift,
      I will update after reading more,and truly digesting this offering,and this day. Many Blessings and best regards to you today.
      One addition to responding to your thoughts, I did get on blog to share with you something from the conversation last evening with my attorney, he was asking how I was doing with allergies,and we talked about accupuncture,and I excitedly wanted to share this which will bring a smile of joy to your face I believe, he told me his cousin has two beautiful Golden retrievers and she has taken them for accupuncture treatments for their “arthritis”, it was remarkable how he described the dogs youthful existence and glee reappear after treatment,and I laughed and stated that is exactly how I describe me after treatments…lol…how remarkable someone able to bring that care to a beautiful dog, amazing and brings me smiling.
      I wanted to share as dogs have this arthritis and how accupuncture again is working amazing results with this conditionand how insight for your interests to know and maybe gather information for your neck I wanted to share.
      Best regards today Colleen,
      Sand

      • Sand,
        I’m so glad you found this note resonated with your thoughts as well. Have a wonderful weekend and I’ll look forward to connecting this next week. Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, yes we will connect next week. I too look forward to this and providing you with update. I will leave this for next week, that I love James, James 4 as you shared I have read and incredible reading for me. This is where God has led me and I can see my growth in how far I have come to be able to read this now, with a new reflection of meaning,and grasp of what He is saying to me in this process of challenges. wow. Last nite was another just really weird nite,yet I stay my course, I could tell while out picking up a few groceries that my awareness has so much peaked,and it was as if God planted me amongst a few separate instances of woman who were stone cold facial expressions toward me, it was like I had something stuck in my teeth or that I was so unacceptable in feature or code of dress or simply the code they were judging me with. It was most bizarre, even another person kept very distant and unfriendly . I turned a corner or aisle and I ran back into this one woman who just had such a look of not liking me at all, it was so weird, and all I did was smile a completely natural smile of joy to her as if meeting her by surprise and as I always do smile and/or say hello to someone. I even texted my one brother i keep a relation with and he said I look great, lol. I had texted him my photo exclaiming do I look good to you? As I drove home I recalled conversations we have had in past about how Jesus was unaccepted and treated poorly by how he looked physically, and my heart clinged to those that have same as these experiences, just wanting to share joy of hearts, and run into these instances, those who even may struggle more than I, and then I came home still with self conscious yet knowing that it was not about me, I still looked in mirror and maybe it was the little grey showing at my root, lol, or wearing little comfortable sneaker shoes with big socks beneath leggins that may have bulged a little for it was a chilly evening, or because the shoes were sneaker shoes instead of the fashionable boots to be up around my little leggings i had on, or as I saw a sinister look toward a big sweater I use as winter coat for the chill in air, thinking maybe something on it she looked at,as i always get completments on this one sweater hand knit by someone i used to live near,and it was awkward to not have a glimpse of smile in return, and finally I simply let it go and kept saying all nite that I am here only to please my Lord, and if I am able to please Him that is all I truly ever “want” , and if He is pleased I am beyond most grateful. So today I read James and it all coming together where I am being tempted to distract, and I will not.
          With great love and care, have a wonderful weekend and what seems some Spring beautiful temperatures coming our way, yours and mine geographically.
          Best regards
          Love Sand

          • Sand,
            Two immediate thoughts for you to think about.
            First, when a family system is as hostile as yours was, a child knows nothing but to try and survive. One huge way that’s done is by “reading” or observing the non-verbal communication and emotions in the home. While it may help a child survive, it also develops a very difficult habit to break which is assuming to know what other’s think or their opinions without ever knowing what is happening in that person’s life. Additionally, the one victimized often assumes the negative rather than the positive. So, as you walked around the store, for some reason it seemed those around you had a negative response to you. Since they have no idea who you are, it’s impossible to know what anyone was thinking; but it’s a survival tool that you default to. I recently read a book titled Grace for the Afflicted by Dr. Matthew Stanford, PhD. In it he highlights four very specific ways the enemy tries to get our focus off the Lord…temptation, deception, accusation, and infirmity. If you think about it, there was a temptation to assume knowing what another was thinking about you, you were deceived into believing their thoughts were negative to the point of contacting your brother, and there was self-accusation in the form of negative self-talk in thinking other’s were judging or had an opinion of you that was negative. One thing you will cultivate as you continue to grow is an awareness of when this is happening and then making the choice to go down that destructive path or to take your concerns to the Lord. It was a massive game changer for me when I realized I could never know anyone’s thoughts or assumptions about me….unless I ask, no one can know. It’s a bit entitled to think we can read minds or assume correctly if we have not taken the time to discuss our concerns directly with the person. So I began to practice a habit that is now second nature…NEVER ASSUME…NEVER ASSUME to know what is going on with another person or what they think unless I’m willing to ask. You will not believe the freedom this provides you! Instead of assuming and spending so much time on what you will never know, immediately think “I have no idea what is going on in that person’s life…maybe they just got some sad news, maybe someone they love died or moved or is ill, perhaps they are having a terrible day…” and so on. Let people be just like you want them to let you be you. Any assumption you make can be used by the enemy to tempt, deceive, accuse, or cause illness in you…it will hurt you which is what the enemy longs to do. When my kids and I started doing this, we made a joke out of it by say…. “Oh, maybe their cat died”…regardless of how they treated us, it was their life, their attitude, their world. You are separate and don’t have to please or live up to anyone’s standards but Christ’s. Secondly, instead of assuming, choose to pray for someone who appears sad. Since we don’t know what’s happening in their lives, the best thing to do is pray. Pray they will see Christ in you, that you will show them kindness regardless of how they treat you. Some people are so empty, without hope…you may be the only sunshine they come across that day. This brings you peace and gives no room for the enemy to distract your focus. I hope this helps…it was a wonderful day when I finally stopped assuming anything and everything about others. You are free to choose what you wear, where you go, what you say and do…your only concern is to honor the Lord in all ways and show love and kindness to others. That’s it. Keep reading James, I would love to hear what is your favorite passage in that book…I love the whole book since it’s so practical! Hope you have a lovely day my dear. Hope this helps free you in many ways. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, wow. I just found your thoughts and I literally began to cry in first few sentences, whether remarkably how well you understand me and bring my understanding into clarity and focus of awareness of self and/or for remarkable thoughts that I needed to understand with clarity,acceptance of self and others,and do not assume,and not to ever be entitled to know unless ask. I love the thoughts and practice that maybe the cat died, I tried to laugh last nite saying maybe i had something in my teeth or toilet tissue hanging off my pants,but that still assumed it was about me I see clearly now what you have shared. I believe this reading of your ever kind thoughts of seeing so insightfully of what happening within me, by expereince and wisdom that brings me great healing of this behavior and yes freeing me from old patterns of destructive thoughts and actions spiraling away from our Lord. I am going look up this book too you mention,Grace.
            I am going revisit your thoughts again today and sit with this awhile.
            I do love James and will connect again with what I found most fulfilling of this book. Thank you for sharing these key thoughts and key scripture for this curve I coming around in healing/growth,that is so much as if my seed is growing into a tender plant now, and a brilliant time to see this growth in what will be our Spring season. more practice,more growth essentially but i can see what is happening is clear in awareness and I am grateful for your connection in this journey.
            Have a wonderful day and weekend as we enter some Spring like weather.
            Many Blessings,
            With love and great care
            Sand

          • Sand

            Colleen, this is remarkable. I just became aware through this process that this was part of the accupuncture clearing, as each and every awarness now I see so clearly like layers , each bringing yet a deeper understanding in fullest of clarity. I am honestly envirisoning this process as a most beautiful flower unfolding each and every tender petal in the slow motion yet movement forward to blossom,incredible vision.
            what i see is through my bringing one experience, your insight unfolds the next dimension of understanding,and in turn my sitting with it,re reading your wisdom, it yet reveals another layer of understanding and deepens the healing. My further understanding is this is why I retreated from society all these years,as after last nite, i began seeing when I believe it was assumptiion and deception that I began to fear to leave house today and “hide” me away ,but we know this is not healthy for me nor what God wants,as He wants me to continue reaching outward and bringing myself to outward connections. This is all so profoundly remarkable. I see now what led me to these old patterns of destruction,and self sabotage really. Thank you for this awakening of insight.
            I will update this week as I continue grow and I do have accupuncture this week,as I know he said we were going release remainder of heart of all that has occured over time of my life, and I am going to share as well with him this experience and awakening from your insight.
            Thank you again, With Love,
            Sand

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen, I wanted give you more information regarding volunteer application. correction the gal will return 3/29 not 3/2, so i found the email of one of the other intake gals she had on her leave email that automatically had forwarded to me with my inquiry of status. This individual did email me and so far the faxed copy dated 1/21 nor the mailed copy that day or soon after were not received, at least she could not locate. I asked if she could check with director and anyone else including the gal out on matrnity desk to see if sitting anywhere before i remail. I am awaiting her reply .
            the other thought I wanted to share is this Valentines Day I know I am loved by Jesus Christ and Mother Mary and all Saints and Angels greatly, and in addition I have learned to love me, which will vibrate outward in ways that God is preparing to show me. As pleasant and exciting it would be to be joined by someone as tender and compassionate at heart and in loving unconditionally as in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ, this will come as God willl for me.
            Have a pleasant day today
            With love and care
            Sand

          • Sand

            Colleen, yeah! my volunteer application was found, and the individual who has it in hand has left me voicemail to let me know that it was received and in process and she would like me to call her back to make an appt for a volunteer interview!
            Have a great evening, I will be keeping you posted on this.
            With love and care
            Sand

  • Greetings sweet friend,
    Just wondering how you are doing this week and praying your acupuncture and time in quietness before the Lord has brought you joy and peace. Colleen

  • Sand,
    Yet another reminder that our Lord is your shepherd and your guide. How great it is when He works so clearly and directly….when He reaches right into our souls and reminds us that He has us! I can’t think of anything more exciting than this. Thank you for sharing and for trusting me to walk with you on this journey. All the best to you today, Colleen

    • Sand

      Colleen,the one other update with the other “distraction” of neighbor with fig tree that my landscaper pruned heavily that was on my property as per my survey from summertime. I held boundary not to get pulled into what the neighbor was having difficulty believing. so i gave my surveryor number to him,and my surveyor called me and was called and will be coming back out,my surveyor also thought this indiviudal he is not sure what he is talking aobut and having difficulty believing the truth about survey is accurate. Yet my surveyor at no cost to me is going come back out next week and be meeting with this neighbor and compare surveys from when the neighbor moved in to what my surveyor over than confident did for me by plot and neighboring plot plat last summer. I am not going let the distraction “distract ” me.
      I will laugh out loud at the enemy and focus repeatedly on our Lord.
      With love
      Sand

  • Sand,
    OH MY GOSH!!!!! This is fantastic news!!!!! I’m so thrilled for you. I haven’t heard from anyone but I’ll keep my phone close in case they call. I’m sorry I’ve not written sooner…my family has been sick and another family member had a huge spine surgery so we’ve been a bit tied up. However, I’ve read your notes and want to reply but this one could not wait…SO thrilled for what God has for you in the days and weeks ahead. It’s beyond what we can imagine…because He promises us His abundance and goodness. He doesn’t promise ease, but as we keep our hands and hearts open to His will, He provides in abundance…His peace, His joy, His presence…and THAT can never be provided by this world. He’s got you girl! Great to hear this wonderful news and to celebrate YOU! Colleen

    • Sand

      Thank you Colleen for being so thrilled for me with this process, and to Celebrate in your heart with me on this. Thank you too for your appreciation of how much you see I am growing to take better care of me with love of the Holy Spirit! and through the love of the Holy Spirit finding how to love me and embrace me.
      I am sorry that you and your family are working through sickness and with yet another family spine surgery undergoing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I will also be keeping you informed of when volunteer interview takes place,and how all is going here too.
      I am hoping that feeling better today and some retored rest in the day and weekend to come to and for you and your family
      WIth love and care
      Sand

      • Sand,
        You are very welcome…in fact, you don’t have to thank me for celebrating you….I love you regardless of what you do but for who you are. You are an individual, unique creation from God’s hands, thought of before time began, loved with an everlasting love. Celebrating you is so easy for you are precious, tender, insightful, growing, desire to honor the Lord and others, intuitive, and so very humble. As the protective layers of your heart fall away, the light in you shines ever brighter. I am confident that as you move forward, you will find more and more joy, peace, and rest in this life and in looking forward to eternity. Thank you for continued prayer and I’ll look forward to helping with the application process as is requested. Have a lovely day! Colleen

        • Sand

          Colleen, I will remember this note, and instinct to say Thank you and even now , wanting to say Thank YOU for these kind thoughts that you have shared of me, who I am. and how well you understand me, and this is exactly what i had been hearing when ask what very next step, alot of learning to let go defensive behaviors to know that I am protected,and to learn to shield this precious heart and soul that i am opening to blossom fullest as God intended when He made and thoughts of making me . and to let go of fear and Let God take what is His will for me. It really is all so remarkable to me. I seem to be more aware of fear and how that has been so in control of my life,and working on this in ways of awareness and changing myself in this way. Sometimes my mind is a challenge still,but the awarenesses greater, and knowing more what I can do with it and take it directly to our Lord.
          I read Romans yesterday, I think Romans 12 from one of your postings. It so sitting with me. And I will connect with what I have been absorbing and finding most fulfilling with James. We have so much to connect .
          Again I will be keeping you and your family in prayer.
          With loving care,with friendship
          Sand

  • Sand,
    This is one of the most profound notes you have ever written! To say “I have learned to love me” after all you have endured is an astounding testament to God’s faithfulness, His miraculous goodness, His precious presence to you and in you. I am deeply moved in knowing this truth from you. His love for you is ever abounding…may you continue to shine in the presence of His life and light! You are a treasure! Colleen

  • Sand,
    WAY TO GO!!!!! How are things coming along. Tell that enemy to scram!!! = ) Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I hoping you are well, I am uncertain your weather is a rainy as here,we have had beyond fill of rain, God has provided much. With that the temps increased this past weekend enough where the odor of mold began after much of the winter without the odor and allergy growing again with added dampness and humidity with higher temps coming and going right now.
      I am very sad about this,and the house situation,with awareness that this is for sure the core of issue of waiting and not haveing answer,nor being able to get out of in any easy sense . So I did make another accupuncture appt. I feeling that it is not what I can easily afford to do ,but I have the interview for volunteering on Thursday,and I need to feel better to conduct myself well and with energy and sparkle.
      In additon, I am more aware that with the little communication I have had with my husband and that communication with a Pastor downtown where i live who is struggling with God and life I suppose, both have been delivered to increase my awareness that the lacking acknowledgement of my feeligns and situation by the male figures I have encountered in my life are no longer serving me well nor will or would I be seeking that relationship in my future. I find that most men have come to me for emotional support,even my father,my father was very munipultive too,but aside that simply that they would seek my suppport and without asking about how I am or really seeing and/or acknowledging my feeligns and it is eye opening, and does feel a bit used because it is and none of the male relations in my life have shared mutual respect of asking about me and being as supportive. I am guessing this is not normal, when someone in need I try not look at “expecting” anything in return and lend an ear or encouragement. Is that what i am supposed to do? as even in those i do not have a relation? come to me. So I am asking the Lord to bring me these answers. I know for sure that with who I will be in a relationship with I will need the “mutual ” open respectful emotional support, not just one way, to me that is what I can sense God wants for me too. and perhaps showing me in these lessons that this is not what I would be seeking? My one brother has been th eone exception that has traveled with me,and he is sure to ask how i am doing,and he really has made an effort to reach out back to me, which is a fine thing for me to have experienced the changes along way toward direction I traveling of healthful exhanges/communciation/respect mutually.
      I am uncertain as like your blog, are these other individuals i encounter like this,that they seeking encouragement and I am to help? I have been helping x husband with redirecting him to communicate and counseling,he thanks me very much as it has been a miserable time that he said I helped make bearable. It is all for his relation lacking what our marriage did, communication mutual honest open feelings about all, not to ignore feeligns and being vulnerable with ,and certainly the indivudal he with not ready for any serious relationship, but to not be talking about it, just letting things ahppen and consequences of that are difficult for me to observe because I see alot of hurt, not my responsiblity,yet I have been a friend of encouragement ,maybe have let myself get too involved??? So I am a bit uncertain as you see what boundary I am supposed to have in these areas. I will continue ask our Lord for guidance to help me manage and keep appropriate and functional boundaries without bringing myself into arena???.
      Have a great afternoon. I will be keeping you posted
      Love and Peace
      Sandra

  • Sand,
    For years I have said… “If only I could turn my mind OFF”…the mind is so central to who we are and who we become. Christ never tells us to renew our feelings or focus on them; He does command us to renew our minds and focus on the truth. While feelings are valuable in telling us what is churning inside of us, they have to be kept in check. The only way to do that is with our minds….to renew them constantly. To set our minds on the truth will always lead us in a right direction and our feelings take time to catch up quite often. You’ve got it, it’s just practicing it daily that can be difficult. I’m so proud of you! Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I wanted to share that all is at a standstill here that again I am uncertain what I hear from God, where is it my intution I am not following in and with His lead? I am trying to tap into this motion to pick up stride again that I on the right path for sure. For example I had not heard back again from Miracle Netwrok,OH MY GOODNESS. Literally as I was writing this to you, my phone sparkled its chime in wind sound that message received,and an email that had copied me from the Director of Miracle network sent to me saying that application is recieved and for her employee sent to to call me for appt asap. Oh my, Now that is what I call God’s definitely without a doubt that I on right path. THANK YOU LORD for this sign.
      Colleen I have so many other things I wish to speak. And to know that you are well and restored from again another surgery healing in family.
      I will chat later, one issue pertains to xhusband,he sought my support via email again, as it seems he and his girlfreind with his new child are not speaking . They had a communication breakdown and I am not sure other than saying he need talk to her to resolve what is happening, that this is only way to mend the bridge or gap and at least know what has happened that created breakdown in relationship.
      It seems so much suffering going on and around me, my one brother inlaw is sweetest lady and she has cancer and now i believe from the surgery to remove it spread,that is my opinion , but now all issue of in fluids/lung fluid buiilt up 90% and this is all after surgery,and they believe in lymph now. It was female organ of which I uncertain exactly,my brother did not say but it was without cutting procedure and she had none of these issues prior to the surgery. I ask for prayer for this woman, Oma.
      Thank you for listening and care always,
      Love Sand

      • Sand,
        I have a few thoughts….first, for someone like you or me, we can often believe ‘down time’ or time that may not appear ‘productive’ is wasted or something is wrong. The reality is that life isn’t as hard as we may make it…when you have had to survive for so long on your own, “normal” life seems too simple. It can feel like we are ‘supposed to be doing something’ when honestly, our minds and bodies are not meant to be running full throttle all the time. God didn’t design us to be always solving some problem or climbing some huge emotional mountain…many times after Christ finished speaking or teaching, He went away alone or with a few close friends for down time. It’s what we need to remain balanced and healthy. So, if you are feeling some internal pressure that you should be ‘doing’ more, just ask the Lord if you are telling your self the truth or what it is that HE desires for you. Many times, He desires we rest, find comfort and calm in His presence….which could mean taking a nap, reading, drawing, creating something with our hands, serving someone, writing a note to encourage someone…or just sitting in quietness. It’s okay to have nothing going on-or what you or I would define as “nothing” which is probably more like two or three things going on at once. Just rest. Next, it is good to redirect your ex-husband back to work things out with his girlfriend. That would be an easy distraction and draw for you, I would assume. Since you have mentioned in the past that you wonder if the marriage could have worked, I have a little caution light go off in my head….just to be careful. I think your motivation is right, good, and hopeful for his relationship with her. Your words about having to talk things through are right on! So keep directing him back to her and perhaps mention there are therapists who may help them with communication. There is a list of therapists on the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the site “New Life Live”, Dallas Seminary, and a few other sites like Focus on the Family have resources and therapists listed that he could look up-don’t do the work for him but if he mentions it again, just offering the site names to him is enough. It’s his relationship, he needs to do the work for making it work. Finally, yes, there is so much pain in this world…you are right. This is one of the reason’s the apostle Paul spoke of longing for heaven. I think the longer we all live in this world as it is, not as we want or pretend it to be, the more we realize earth is not our home and there is pain and suffering everywhere. This must break the heart of our heavenly Father!!!!! Here He made a perfect world to be in relationship with us and when sin entered and crushed His perfect plan, the grief must have and continues to be awful. So yes, you are right….there is a ton of pain in this world and prayer to our Father is where we will find hope and rest. I do pray you find some time to rest today and not feel guilty about it. Just rest…enjoy peace and quietness as much as anything else. As always, it is a joy to my soul to hear from you and to know how you are doing. With much love and tender care for you, Colleen

        • Sand

          Thank you Colleen for this insight on so many levels, as always you are simply brilliant in your understanding and wisdom and care. I am so glad that you share that I was right on with redirecting to “communication”, it seems that was what I saw in pattern of my reply, I keep bringing up that it is to be worked through and only by mending the bridge with communication between x and his girlfriend. So I am glad that is what I have done. I also find it interesting that I must be more aware or sensitive to my awareness with being able see more clearly how there is so much suffering in and with others, or maybe i was always so consumed with my own issues that kept me from really seeing what happening around me?and yes our Father in Heaven to remember His plan and how it changed in an instant for Him and our world.
          So I am grateful for again your insight,and with needing rest,and yes this is clearly another area that you share even with yourself,that “something must be wrong” if nothing movign, I need listen better to this need of rest and let it be as intended, not that i this or that, or need do this or that , I am going rest on your thoughts and continue speak to our Lord in this process for clarity and accept if He needs me to rest. Again intereseing,as I was reading Bible the other evening and “Be Still and Know”, was clear to me and I even said to myself that I am going to have a little wood decorative sign that says this verse for my home,right above a doorway i will hang probably living room and just to always have His word close to sit with right before me,
          Have a good afternoon Colleen, I will update you, and yes I am so glad to connect with you too. Hoping all is well for you and yours,
          With love and care,
          Sand

  • Sand,
    Oh my dear friend…how are you? I have been thinking about you so very much lately! In fact, when I opened and re-read this note, the song “Be Still My Soul” was playing through my office. How cool is that! So I guess the message for us both today is to ‘be still and remember we are in God’s hands’…always and forever. Hope you are well. Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I have missed you as you do not know how much. I have prayed for you and your family each and every day and nite,and last nite most of all,and here you are. I have some appt today with accupuncture and will need come back to write, I love this song you mention, how great is He that brings this song and our connection. I honestly want to share that you are my best “soul” friend,in human relations even though our SPirits across a page,that we have not ever met in person, I know wholeheartedly you are my friend.
      Thank you for being my friend and caring and checking in with genuine thought of me and sharing something I so resonate with your experience with song and thought.
      With love and Peace
      Sand
      May you have a great day,and yes I have hoped that you are also well and family.

      • Sand,
        You are a precious friend to me and I pray for you almost every day. So good to connect once again. Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen,Thank you so much for your kind thoughts,and being a precsious friend brings great joy of tender care to my heart and soul, so Thank you,and for all the kind things you have said,yes I do seek truth relentlessly, no matter what, I live for the truth in all. I am quite determined I am learning too,that I can sense that drive within me, sometimes excessive. I am joyous that you understand me so well, and the “take captive thoughts and throw away” if not ask to clarify.
          I may be processing the accupuncture treatment today? I have had migraine past few days,and still not quite back to no symptoms of underlying headachy migraine. The accupunture i have been receiving is by a Dr,as I thoguth chance i can have submitted for coverage by insurance being a Dr visit, but it was not covered . I found that I was better mentally,and even physically more functional without heavy fatigue when I was seeing the other accupuncturist who had been a pediatric nurse. She has told me the approaches of each accupuncturist will be different,yet the Dr says all the same . I like them both,and have definitely grown from Dr,yet i am going to return to other accupuncturist for her nurturing approach and my benefit seems greater in functioning clearer and with more connection to heart and intution where i most comfrotable with mysefl…….Today I am still uncertain of results of yesterday appt. I do know Dr said that he gets all of what happening with my experiences,and stated that like water to see myself not to react with fight or flight as not every experience requres this heightened reaction,but to flow with all and see how this works……I undrestand and have been told this numerous times,but when mentally not comfortable it is a challenge and that is why I thought the other accupuncurist approach relieves the obstacle of my mind somehow,however it is she approachse my issues. I was told by Dr yesterday that i just need listen,and maybe I agree that is why so many experiences of opposite of what i seeking ,that has occured in the past where as the book “The Calling” that once you suggested does speak of being hit to get attention, and maybe I need sit with what dr has said too. I am doing that today,yet very tired,needing so much rest it seems,and that may be releasing what is working out of me from treatment too. I do know that Dr said treatment was to smooth out all and he was really kind in that he said he was going let me rest in treatment room a little longer than the usual visit,so he left me with music and time to just rest with treatment process,and he said smoothing out the liver, heart,etc treatment will bring my shoulders down,from the fight or flight i think he meant in shoulders down,softer approach to allow for “life flow” , that was what he said “let life flow ” as leaving.
          I am going rest my head,and I really go attempt finish painting porch is intention for pollen coming soon, i seeking the energy today to flow through me to allow me my Lord to do so. I keep praying always,and Thank you for your thoughts of me so well and heartfelt prayer with greatest of intention for me and my wellness, I have kept you in the same light and Love with prayer of only best intention.
          Be well today my friend, I am also very glad we connected,and I will update more soon. Please do let me know if you have a cruise this year? Will you have arranged someone to travel with for Jon care? Is it going to be a quieter year with all surgeries,that maybe not have the Insight cruise? I hopeing Jon is well and I know he is embraced so lovingly by you, this brings me great joy to know how much you love your son,and family.
          You are loved,
          Sandra

  • Sand,
    Because you are tremendously sensitive and intuitive, it’s natural for you to ‘sense’ needs in others very quickly. That is such a rare and wonderful gift…if we know how to handle it with wisdom. That is something I have to work on as well…I sometimes will sense there’s a need and will reach out to help instinctively. If I’m not careful or mindful, a person who may be very needy will feed into that and that’s when boundaries are so necessary. They simply keep everyone from getting hurt or confused. So I would just consider praying before acting on something. Maybe … “Lord, I sense there is a need here and want to honor you…is this something you want me to help with or do I need to kindly say I’m not able or it would be best to seek the counsel of another….” Something short, simple, between you and the Lord. He will always let you know because he’s given you this gift and desires you to use it. If you pray and there is nothing coming back from the Lord, it’s wise to wait, to not get involved until you sense the Lord’s leading. This is a very hard thing to evaluate for those of us who really do care and want to help if it’s needed….and for those of us who are very sensitive. So I understand and know the Lord will continue to protect and guide you as you sort through these circumstances. It’s so good to connect with you today my dear friend. Colleen

    • Sand

      Yes! I am hypersensitive,today more than ever,and it is quicker to sense,sometimes strugglign with what i see beneath and fear and anger i seem to be picking up on instantly as if in my face . I going to speak as well to accupuncturist what in world has occured this month since last treatment. I will expand more later or tomorrow, i so treasure our connection Colleen. I am happy with this prayer,and I have so much to share in reading prayers every morning and hymns I have enjoyed and love the experience in the Church I attend and the hymns I am being exposed to amazing,beuatiful and rich in southern history as Pastor describes, like one song he described why “shoes” mentioned in “going home”, and he explains how in slavery this song origniated and shoes were a part of familly, Church I believe is what he said it is a belonging because slaves had no shoes, yet when receive shoes it makes one whole in family/Church? I am not good at processing and repeating, I know you will probably know the beauty of what i am saying from experience.
      Much Love and Grace,and I will copy this prayer, so much more to share with this subject, i do have an appt and I will look so forward to connecting later and/or tomrrow to share in exchange to this thought so resonated with me and that you understand so clearly what it is I experiencing.
      Take good care today. I am Thanking our Lord for our connection today.
      Lvoe Sand

      • Sand,
        Do let me know how the appointment goes and if you find out anything regarding the stuff you have been struggling with. Much love and peace, grace and joy to you my friend. Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello COlleen, I wanted to get back before leave today for appt. as I wanted to share that what we have connected in thought is also what I now able to have self refleciton and realize that some of these behaviors I have been without boundary as I have let bubble over emotion or fears even with you, so this all good awareness.
      I wanted truly come back and say that with intuition and sensitivity just to show how senstivie , at CHurch I had signed visitor book and emailed Asst Pastor and in general have filled out interest to become member card in Dec, and no answer yet, shaking hand of Pastor and/or asst Pastor each week,and I sensed the look I had in a few instances,and once in receiving communicon as if something being discussed by eyes that I was picking up on. so yesterday I called Church office and talked with woman who I wanted to be sure “i had not done anything wrong” as communicion Pastor was going give me second wafer/bread,and I did not understand his gesture as i moved along,well I found out nothing wrong just the sensitivity i picking up on is more than just the wafer in this Pastor eyes that i did not take and then dip in glass of wine/grape juice before placing in mouth, what i sensed was behyond I saw in eyes each week a sense of stress maybe, and I learned that he may have been under pressure to serve communicion in pace of line after me,and with what i learned he had Pneuomonia and is getting ready for some kind of surgery,and Asst Pastor then will be on leave with his wife having their child, and there is alot of I am told changes occuring,so as Pastor wanted to reach out to me, and in communicion line maybe a sense of he wanted stop and talk with me then and there although handing out holy communion and knowing his getting ready on leave for surgery. So I was literally sensing what beneath each individual eyes ,yet was not sure it was me and have learned it is simply not inended about me, it is simply so much happening in the Church and the lives of those that keep it alive and moving. I talked to this woman and thanked her for speaking with me openly as that is what i was sesning,and i will be patient and knowing now i am accepted as a Visitor until i officiallly sit down to talk about member and i can sign up for events and other emails now. I was releived it was not like “who is this girl” “what is she doing here”. lol. It was much deeper what i sensitive to
      Have a great day now
      Love Sand

      • Sand,
        Two amazing things in what you just wrote…..I’m thrilled!! First, the fact that you are more aware of your own thoughts is vital to your growth process. We must keep them in check and you are doing that. Coming from your history, you survived by “reading” or having to guess who was feeling what since there was such poor communication and abuse. The problem with that is we make assuming a habit and often, we assume incorrectly. The deeper issue is about fear and rejection. As a child, you were left guessing so much so that anxiety and worry become ingrained in our minds….we worry if we’ve done something wrong, offensive, out of place, if one is angry or upset…notice all those are about us and they are self focused in nature in an attempt to be self protective. While it enabled you to survive an awfully painful childhood and young adult life, it will have a drastically negative impact on you as an adult. My therapist often said…. ‘it’s not about you, Colleen’… most people make inaccurate or negative assumptions when they have experienced much dysfunction as children. So, like you, I’ve had to literally practice telling myself a thousand times… “Take every thought captive”, “Take every thought captive”….I can’t know one thing about another’s life unless I ask and assuming will always go in a negative direction. Which leads me to the second point of fantastic growth is that you are choosing to step out and ask….TOTALLY FANTASTIC! How can anyone know what we are thinking if they never ask. For you to call the church, inquire and gain clarity, you just freed yourself from ruminating over and being distracted by stuff that wasn’t even happening. I think the enemy uses this scheme to get so many off course. We are more concerned with what other’s think that we can become consumed with thoughts or beliefs that aren’t even close to the truth. Such distractions keep us focused on ourselves instead of in the moment or staying in the present. For you to be given an explanation must have been so helpful and freeing….I’m thrilled, over the moon to know you pursued the truth. Again, Sand…you are one amazing woman who pursues truth relentlessly and that is such an incredible way to live. So let’s do this, every time…EVERYTIME…you begin to wonder or assume another’s behavior means they have a negative thought about you, either directly ask or take that thought captive and toss it out. Tell yourself it’s impossible to know, they may have just lost a loved one, are going through intense struggles, have physical or emotional pain deeper than can be expressed….for whatever reason, let other’s be and you press on. I promise, if you choose to make this a habit, you will begin to feel more free, positive, energetic, and hopeful. No one is against you, and certainly, I am for you as are others. You may want to put the words “Take Every Thought Captive” around your home, in your purse, wherever you will read it daily. Seriously, this one discipline has brought more freedom to my life than most anything else. I can’t wait to hear how this works for you. Thanks so much, my dear and most gracious, tender friend. Have a lovely day. Colleen

  • Greetings my friend,
    Just want you to know I am praying for you and hope you have a restful, lovely weekend. Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, Thank you so much and I will be doing the same prayer for you and yours. I wanted to share a few things before leave library computer,as my computer out of date and it so slow, I needed come to library to do some letters….one in which is for the attorney I did find, he a “do good” attorney and my Psychologist had referred me to one attorney who in hand gave me this attorney name for he does realestate,and I could not be more happy, he honest and immediately has taken my case and filing presentation letters to the home inspector, my realtor, the termite co.and the seller this week . he asked me to do a letter of request for closing file. Colleen this has been a long wait,and he knows my previous attorney, and my previous attorney already spoke with him and “commended me ” to him,and he wanted to take my case as I have made every effort and did not give up . His fee is contingency as I was seeking. I am very happy about this movement. I know you know how long I have endured with this house and repairs that were not disclosed.
      Also I had apt with my dr/psychologist and we talked about “boundaries” and a lot of what I was experiencing was due to needing reset my boudnaries, giving too much of myself for ex. as you and I spoke with x husand being too available and not receiving mutual exchange of what happening with me, so sadness led to some resentment and ultimately I was angry from more than this exchange where I needed reset some boundaries , so I am more aware that the “fight or flight” talked about in acupuncture visit was coming much from this issue of boundaries and my experiencing an influx of different scenerios that I was not setting for my need. I have the Boundaries book by Henry McLeod? out to read,I do not have the authors in front of me,althought he book you had suggested,and I have read through but not yet entirely, i will revisit book this weekend .
      I also wanted to let you know that I did receive an email from Assistant pastor at the Church I have been attending,and he happy that I have enjyed and that he thanked me for kind words,and that he has seen that the distance had not kept me from attending regularly and that he hope I am well and has a new member date coming up, so I said I am open on that date and will attend the new members meeting.
      I will look forward to connecting next week,and hoping you are well and yours are well for a settled Spring weekend at home,
      Best regards,with Love
      Sand

  • My Dear Friend Sand,
    I have missed you like crazy girlfriend…how are you?
    I pray you have been in a good space, more at peace and healing from allergies and pain. I reflect on this past year and again, want you to know how amazing I think you are, how much I believe in you, and what an honor it is to know you. Many blessings this Easter my friend, have a wonderful day!
    Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I have missed you so too my dear Friend, and have been thinking of you nonstop and praying the last few days more than ever wondering if we will connect soon, and the Amazing Grace of God here you were . I have been excited with inspiration of the attorney having action for in determination matching my own in wanting to make this right with all damages of house. I was doing so well with all, and staying ever so positive, praying as I continue every morning,and even my very first Maundy Thursday I attended service,and faithfully attending Church each and every Sunday. driving the 45-50 minutes each way. and I am going attend Good Friday Service tonite. I am so connected to Jesus Christ and this I am doing for Him and second for the closeness I feel His presence when I attend and focus on Him and an incredibly comforting feeling i have in Church,that I take home and keep the deepest desire to “Seek His Face”. Colleen, I am a bit sad this morning,and with all this incredible amazing Love He has for me, I keep my Faith, simply sad as a contracter that came through was I sensed frustrated and judgemental of my situation and his wanting to fix but seeing so much and calculating in his own mind that one thing after another just as I have lived with coping, and it effected me, and I then received an Easter card from my mother who I have not spoken with going on two years now, and I do not wish to reconnect in relation and the card was riddled with underlying anger and “giving up on calling for I do not pick up phone” and that she and my Dad want me to call them. I simply cannot go back to where I will be the victim of blame and that I am riddiculed or remarks of their deeper anger of my distancing myself. There is no understanding and I FOUND IT in my new Life with Jesus Christ. I need protect this new life,and presence . At least until I know how to not take on the blame and shame of not understanding and/or seeing who I really truly am and respecting that, and her card most of all that hurtful was it is all about her and that is not love. It is for not ever going be about me in that relationship and both in exchange of healthful relations. I am going let go of that and all because of what I keep praying and at altar last evening for Maundy Monday I prayed so intensely that God send me the Loving relations that are harmonious and mend all those that have anger and negativity, and that most of all I begged him that show me how to receive this Love and accept as I have noticed in Church that I have been more cautious than ever in others, less trusting of an invitaiton to sit by someone, or invitation to get to know me, i give very little information and have been surprised how guarded I have become on top of the guarded -ness I have lived with, this is disturbing for me to see how hurt I have been. The great part is that the Asscoiate Pastor calls me by first name as many other memebers and I feel not threatened by his giving me time to find which class I fit into and where i wish to sit and with whom i suppose. I finding inside I simply want to sit and not get connected ony with Jesus until I know where I do fit and sit comfortably in Church. I know Jesus will provide. At the same time those old “fear” thoughts want to trip me up especially with those at Church wanting to so quickly take me into each of their groups without knowing me,and with asking alot of quaetions esp as to what work I do? and I keep being very vague with my background until I know who I am with, because of my distrust of being accepted. So I keeping it without too much information divulging.So I squash the fear thoughts, as we have spoken of this mind thing,and I begging Jesus to take away negative thougths and cancel clear delete, bringing me positive thoughts and softening me and my heart ,embracing my sensitivity,and me through this,and allowing the FLOW of all…. I may speak to the asscociate Pastor to help me open my heart and accept genuine actions of those around me. I also wanted to let you know that I will be on a prayer list, and seeking to visit those members that are not able to attend Church. The one class I visited after service last weekend had introduced me to many “artists” …How God has provided, wow!!! I am invited to an Artist Guild watercolor presentation with an outside Guild that this woman from Church and other members too that are artists and that are part of this Art Guild. So I am going. I had been a watercolorist and I am now just beginning to draw and my creativity beginning return so God has provided in exactly His timing and when I shall follow. I really was not sad, it was this contracter walk through and that I let his overwhelming frustration with all repairs create doubt in my mind my inspiriation of knowing my attorney will be successful, it is amazing how much was not disclosed but obviously things done found to hide by Seller. This contracter as well indentified where he believes for strong beleif of mold, he identified alot of white mold in areas and how beneath sink he feels strongest there would be mold when remove bottom beneath sink and floor……and then someone at a store made a comment “how sad”” taht I was going to be alone for Easter. ANd afterward I thought I was not sad at all, I have been in relationship with and closely with Jesus Christ and I was not sad at all, then it seemed sit with me wishing that woman never said that and then the card from my mother……I know I will bounce back. I have too much on this other side I have been creating with Jesus Christ and so much to come on this side of my life. I am delighted that Colleen you are my dear friend, and that you shine only goodness and such positive thoughts upon me, and I do the same for you. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I am glad that you have connected and that I hold you close to my heart and soul even for those moments we may not connect. I am hoping and by your voice through this note, I sensing your strength and wellness and hoping this for you, Jon and your entire family as I continue pray for you all.
      Many Blessings, Thanking for remembering our friendship,and in reflection of where we have traveled in connection, truly i can say at my very bottom of life and living and how truly you have been a part and honestly kept me afloat during my greatest of hardships and lacking understanding and guided me to our Savior, Our Lord Love and unwaivering unconditional Love,which through you and our connection I have been able to and continue to find to understand so clearly in His work, an amazing Grace through your sharing thoughts, wisdom, scripture, life experience and acceptance.
      With Love Happy Easter,
      Many Blessings this weekend and Spring.ps the accupuncture i believe has lessened the effect of allergy season this year….I belieivng it is from this and/or the few allergy shots that I did receive, i needed to stop the entire allergy shot process due to expense,but I was told accupuncture would eleviate the allergies and I finding this true…..Plese take good care.
      Sand

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I am hoping that you have enjoyed your and family Easter. I did find myself tearful Sunday as it was seemingly a natural cleanse, and with so many experiences that are bitter for me and my changes, the tone beneath a text Blessed Easter wish just was enough already from family I had parted. It is the bitter tone beneath that most disturbing as it is essentially a sense they do not get that which I am no longer the same person,not the one that you can be controlled and/or munipulated back into a dysfunctional relationship. The same for unhealthful friend, leaving things in my mailbox that makes me uncomfortable because boundary has been set clear that I do not wish a relationship because of destructive behaviors and no acknowledgement of what i am doing is good and righteious and a new life good for me. What I am having difficulty with today is a migraine, the odors in house began increase with higher temps and over weeekend humidity and i have had a migraine with this odor/sensitivity/allergy. I look forward to the closure for repairs be done! Yeah! and that I do have greatest hope and inspriation will come soon.
      In the meantime with all this, it seems that my x husband having an emotionally unstable time to the point where he continues push my boundaries of requests as is his flight or flight interfering with my balance and stability that i so much have struggled to establish to the point I am at and that is right on edge of where able hold my own. I wanted to be kind, and encourage for his spirit is down, but he has same old patterns that he stubborn and does not hear what I have guided him, and he then in complete fight and flight makeing decsiions that are from a very unclear place and only out of not Letting God take control but wanting to FIx from exterior ways that are destructive, for example his girlfriend and mother of child are not interested in serious relationship and she “wants” him move from Ohio to Canada where they can share the care of the child, and he has been in a dream job and stable with his work for 6 years since our divorce and now talkign to immigration attorney and forwarding “me” his resume and asking for me to proof. I have shared with him with genuine care and wanting to help direct him ,but sensing he not doing the work constructively gain himself, and I did not believe he has heard anything i have guided for therapy and not to make quick choices until clarity crystal clear and not of emotional decisions, and that i did not believe he respected me and my boundaries. He of course says he does respect me and then i get this email from him with the resume proof request. I was beside myself last nite and I am asking God how to approach this request, for I will not be able to do this proofing for it is destructive and I cannot take part in something that is destructive. He need counsel and regain his balance and stability,and Will Not HEar this truth of situation, How or what is it I am to do, this is someone I do care about, I do not wish a relationship other than the connection in friendly way that we have continued by email, yet the boundaries have become an instrument of dystruction rather than finding his help through this and not to be reactive until such occurs,and is this another individual I need step back as my dr said before she was on vacation this week that I will need be less available to set the boudnary. How do i not hurt someone and again all the realtions I have left for these unhealthful reasons all become angry with me and bitter and blamed for not being there or good friend, where i end up seeing they all were not good friends at all for what response i recieving for my ability and boundaries are as important as when i have been turned down by each of them. These relations have been one way and I am working with God as to how to fit in with mutually respectful and true loving relations, in meantime I ask this question what to do with my xhusband requests, “look for my birth certificate and let me know if you have” for his potential moving to Canada where mother and child live…..instead of what sensible to sit for a while as i had guided him, until emotions settle and he can see in fullest clarity and then revisit what is best for him, stay where he is most stable and practical and not far into Canada where he can have custody every other weekend in his own home, but he stuck on “making” this work with the mother,when she has made it clear she does not want, he coming up with excuses that she having postpartum,etc, so I have gotten way over involved and in great need “Reset”
      my boundaries without being hurtful. How do I do this is what I praying,
      Thank you for listening through this Colleen, I am open to a way to communicate my boundary in this, and maybe it is simply say what i have just said to you, in that I will need lessen my involvment becaue the boundary not appropriate he coming to me for these things , I no longer his “wife”and /or the one he is in relationship with that to do this kind of gesturee….. i have my own things going on which I do not feel he would care same mutually if I had similar requests, and that he need counsel before he consider any of the things he grabbing at and throwing my way , this is destructive behavior that I cannot afford to have thrown my way. I am uncertain what or why God is showing me this. I have offered all ways to reach out to God , in many ways emailed those things that will help him constructively regain balance,and he keeps coming back without having focused on these but grabbing for destructive means to cope with God being in Control and him not listening that this gal only wants share custody and “wants ” only what she wants not interested in his stability built of work and home,and he following her not God.
      With Love ,May your day be filled with precious blooms of nature that onlY God has created for His hands create the most beautiful things in US. Thank you for the most beautiful comments you have shared. Part of my tearful afternoon Easter day was having to do with feeling unworthy to so many, but Jesus I read to and spoke to was the ONE who believes I so beautiful and Loves Me so much, Part of that too in what old patterns thinking was from my drawing the greatest images of hopping Easter bunny and other nature filled images on hand written letters to my little neice and nephews that wrote me Christmas time missing me and wanting be my pen pal..lol…they of youngest brother who does not have or makes effort to be in relation with me, and as you aware i distance for the dysfunction, but i had thought of these little ones and wrote another letter, and had not heard they received, so uncertain if youngest brother of mine playing game of family that I hold Truth of all and removed from Family, maybe i wrong and they very busy,and in my gut thougth i sense more than that. It is okay, I will not reach back to them again, again when only they reach out to me I may reply. I so looking forward to healthful relations that I continue pray even at CHurch at altar for. And to help me recieve Love and Loving relations…And Jesus is so with me.
      Have a great day
      Sand

  • My dear Sand,
    It has been months since we connected and I have missed you so much!!! For reasons I can’t go into now, I’ve not been as available and I’m so sorry. Knowing your struggles with self-care and support, it may have felt like abandonment and rejection…NOTHING about you had to do with my absence. I want you to know I have prayed and thought of you so often…hoping the Lord has provided His care to you specifically. I would love to hear how this has turned out…my first reaction to reading the situation is to say draining you is not the direction you need to pursue. If someone is avoiding the boundaries you establish, choosing to be disrespectful, unwilling to listen, then its putting your efforts into something for a reason only you can answer. I would ask yourself “why is telling this person you aren’t able to be of support right now” a difficult thing for you. This isn’t to shame you but to investigate your motivations and then decide if they are to meet a need you have rather than helping another. Once we can identify our needs, we choose how to have them met. No one can read our minds or know what our needs are so we need to know them first, then communicate them appropriately when the time comes. I hope that makes sense. You are such an empathetic person, those who are ‘needy’ and often unhealthy will gravitate to you because they sense your desire to care. In so doing, you will be a more productive caregiver because you will know who you are and what your limits are…and you will be able to say yes and no to things that are or are not possible. I hope that makes sense. It’s been my experience that when someone has reached out for help, I have offered advice or direction which they have chosen not to pursue but choose to remain stuck, it’s best to say “until you have done ______, this is not going to be a topic of conversation”. Some people find their identity in being ‘stuck’…they want to be rescued or they gain attention by creating problems instead of wanting to work through them. You cannot rescue anyone, nor are you to ‘rescue’; you are called to love and care but not take on their problems. Through the gospels, you see Christ reaching towards people and helping those who desired change. Those who did not, He moved on. I encourage you to look at the way he interacted with people by reading through any of them…Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. The gospel of John covers love more than the others; but all reveal how we are to follow his model as He was on earth. Setting boundaries can “feel” unloving when you have come from abusive or ‘pleasing’ family systems. However, setting boundaries can often be the most loving thing in a person’s life.
    I don’t know if that applies to you today since it’s been so long but please, please know I care deeply about you and would love to hear from you anytime. You are a treasure. Colleen