T.I.M.E.

Our kayak bounced and bobbled near the buttressed, craggy cliffs of the ancient Mediterranean island. We paddled as far as we could from the port’s busy sights and sounds, then rested our oars and dangled our feet into the crystal clear waters. The tidal ebb and flow, the soft splash of waves against the coast bordered by massive boulders and volcanic rock lulled us into quiet rest.

Kayak sunset Lake Ahquabi State Park
By Kvhuegel (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons

Silence.

Time slowed. The mist cooled our lungs.

Stop for a Moment

Just take in one deep breath and exhale slowly.

Time is a gift—we didn’t create it, we don’t control it, and we certainly don’t have a clue how long we will be confined to it here on earth. It’s easy to forget that Scripture reminds us who is in charge—and it’s not us—thank the Lord!

During our Mediterranean cruise, in the quietness of the open sea, I pondered the concept of time, especially the present moment, which I so often miss.

Do you sometimes miss being in the present too? Ever wonder what you’ve missed by not being aware of the present? Perhaps you have missed the chance to enjoy God’s presence when you needed it most, because you hurried off to “fix” something He already has accomplished. What’s really holding you captive? We often feel held captive by time when, actually, it’s not the clock or calendar that enslaves us . . . it’s something else.

T.I.M.E.

For the rest of our Mediterranean trip, I reflected on the concept of time: its purpose, use, and how much power I give it. Using each letter of the word T I M E, I asked myself some hard questions.

I offer them here for you to ponder, S L O W L Y.

Trust: Do you trust in almighty, sovereign God? Have you trusted Him with your life? The Lord gently prompts us to give our all to Him—including our worries, problems, and the desire to control everything. Isn’t it time to let go? What are you resisting? It’s easy to be tempted to manipulate outcomes in life. How you use (or abuse) your time reveals how much you trust the Lord as your God.

Interests: Are you really interested in daily living as a Christian, or is the Christian life like an emergency credit card you pull out when in a bind? When you have trusted Christ, your interests ought to reveal this trust. Are you as interested in cultivating a Christlike mind? How much time do you spend cultivating a godly character? Do you respond with humility and service—volunteering, getting into what is uncomfortable like Christ did when He came to earth? What are you reading? Whom do you spend time with? Stop and evaluate what your interests and behaviors say about your beliefs.

Motivation: Why do you do what you do? Are you a people-pleaser? Do you fake a smile at church on Sundays but then mean-mug your way through the rest of the week, judging and hanging on to resentment? Why do you serve at your church or local community group? If you were never sent one thank-you note, never recognized by an audience, would you still engage in the activities you have chosen? If you are a caregiver, do you love and serve as if you were serving Christ? I know the demands are endless, but they are less demanding when you offer each task as an act of worship unto the Lord. Is that enough to motivate you to do your best?

Experience: What does experience have to do with time? Almost everything! It’s not experience alone; it’s your response to experience that reveals the maturity of your soul. How have you responded to the experiences God has allowed? Are you bitter? Doubting His goodness? Resentful? If the walls could talk in your home, what would they say? Do you respond with anger, indifference, respect, or compassion when you interact with your family? Are you enjoying the good gifts God’s given you? Have you thanked the Lord for His grace toward you lately? Have you shared your time with someone who isn’t as gifted as you? Have you offered to help someone in need—without judgment? It’s not your job to evaluate God’s plan and then decide if it’s up to par with what you want. It’s your job to surrender to His plan—which includes every experience you encounter.

Mortimer Bay

By JJ Harrison, via Wikimedia Commons

Let Me Hear from You

I have reflected upon the T.I.M.E. model repeatedly since that sacred afternoon on the sea. The Lord is showing up in many ways I would have missed before. It’s my guess that you want the Lord to show up, to be present, too. Well, the good news is He’s already here, willing and waiting—have you taken the time to be present too? Pick one or two of these areas of reflection, and let’s talk about this in the days to come.

You can leave a comment by clicking here.

  • Scotty Sullivan

    What a timely message today. One area for me ( and there are many ) that I continue to work on is T.I.M.E. This message re-enforces what I strive to do every day, that is to live in what I call the NOW moments. Today, this very minute as I type is precious. To give you a brief example, several months ago out in West Texas where I grew up, I decided to drive all the county roads back to my home. I slowed down to 30 mph, “rolled” down the windows and just proceeded to take in as many NOW moments as I could. I had no idea where I was, all I knew was that I was going in the general direction that would take me home. I saw many things that drive, old abandoned houses whose walls I wish I could listen to, historical markers that shared moments in history that I can see in my mind…and finally, yes, I saw a horny toad, or horned toad. When you are moving that slow, you see the little things. I pulled over, got out of the car, picked up the little fellow and for posterity’s sake, took his picture. I thanked him for all my childhood memories and gently put him back on his own journey. I eventually wound up on the interstate, which I knew I would. I would like to think this what God wants us to do in our earthly journey’s. Slow down, embrace the wondrous beauty of this gift called life. He has given us the road home in His son Jesus Christ, He has laid out the signs and many wonders…..slow down, it’s time….blessings for this wonderful article. thank you!

  • Janie Lane

    Good advise and article. Still my soul be still. God is at your side. Don’t miss the treasure!

    • Janie,
      How many times we are so caught up in the hurry of _____. And then I think, why is that something I need to hurry about . We all need those still and quiet moments to hear the Lord. I think, what must He want to say yet I don’t take time to listen. Thanks for your comment. Colleen

  • Scotty,
    What a comment. As I read through it, about half way through I leaned back in my chair as if the wind was warmly whistling through the windows, vast meadows of creation surrounding me…I took a deep breath and thought this is the way to live. Thank you so much for adding this story to my page. What an adventure…and I may take the long way home today. Thanks for the word picture which I consider a gift! Colleen

    • Scotty Sullivan

      Well, I just so appreciate the blessings I receive from your dad while I am visiting and now this has opened up another door of blessings from his daughter. I am very touched by your ministry. Blessings to all of you…Scotty

      • Scotty,
        You will NEVER believe this…
        I went to see my daughter and son in law this weekend. While driving through the quiet, rural roads, I thought of your comment…I rolled the windows down, slowed my pace, and just listened to the wind. It was like a different world; peaceful, calm, serene, and lovely. I so thank you for sharing your story with me because it offered me the opportunity to do the same. It was a wonderful experience….and a practice I will do more often. It’s great to know you and I’m thrilled you are enjoying the ministry of IFLM and Stonebriar. Thanks so much, Colleen

        • Scotty Sullivan

          That’s a pretty awesome feeling isn’t it??

          I would love to sit down and discuss ministry opportunities….have felt a tug for so long, but just looking for some direction, advice, sounding board.

          Glad you took the back roads…blessings

          Scotty

          • Scotty,

          • Scotty Sullivan

            Yes?? Lol

          • Scotty,
            Absolutely, I would love to hear your ideas. I am meeting with a group next month to discuss living and employment options for our city. I welcome your thoughts with great anticipation! Have a great day! Colleen

  • Ann Holmes

    Love this, Colleen! We love to kayak too! :o)

    • Ann,
      Oh my goodness….I LOVE the water!!!! And the kayaking was one of the greatest parts of the trip. Silence, water rippling just below us; and some of the clearest water I’ve ever seen. How I wish we could do this together someday…hey, maybe there are lakes in heaven. Then, it would truly be a HEAVENLY experience. = ) SO good to hear from you friend. Colleen

  • Madeline

    Hello Colleen, I have a hard time to live in the present. I get task orientated and am usually counting the hours until bedtime! I do want to make each task I do ‘an act of worship to the Lord’. It is tough to do in the many moments when I am feeling less than well and tired. I ask God to help me through every day. I really need to let go of worry and surrender to God’s plan. I no doubt waste a lot of time with the ‘why’s’ and focusing ‘on the marble’ and missing the point of everything. I forget to give myself some credit. Fun is too infrequent. I have a very long to do list. I recently saw a post from my niece that says “never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future destroy the happiness of your present”. I think this is what I tend to do. Fun-wise, this summer I found that I was having some small amount of times that I actually felt relaxed and was having some fun. Those times were on Campobello Island (we go there every summer–my father grew up there) biking through a wooded area near the ocean and kayaking when the water was at high tide and calm. My family were present too, but at those times, I was alone on my bike and alone in my kayak. Just me and my thoughts (for the most part!). Noah has progressed in his skills so that moments like these are emerging. Time ‘alone with no care giving responsibilities is an amazing relief for me. It does clear the mind for sure. I usually regain some perspective. Your post is very wise and encourages me. I am pressing on reaching up with hope today. I am praying for your physical healing–I understand how added physical discomfort really adds ‘insult to injury’.

    • Madeline,
      You just touched on the biggest obstacle most families like our face. AND, I honestly believe the enemy uses our worries to cause such distraction, disconnection, and discouragement because our focus is on us rather than God. Yes, there is much we could worry about….and we are to be wise in the responsibilities we have. However, I noticed most of your comment contained negative thoughts or self-observations; I SO understand. There is ALWAYS more to be done or more we think we ‘should’ be doing. However, I am learning that when I allow moments of pure silence, or lay down for 10 minutes and speak to the Lord…ask for Him to fill me with His truth, comfort, grace, forgiveness, mercy, so on…He does in spades. We have a LOVING father, not a harsh taskmaster who longs for us to just be still. I KNOW that is so difficult; part of my health compromise has forced me to slow down so in that, it’s been a huge gift. I guess what I’m saying is I want to inspire and encourage you to take a few more bike rides, a few more restful moments, a few more of whatever brings YOU peace. Yes, you alone because that is you and God time; not you and God and your child’s needs time. I also have to call the passage in James to mind…I think chapter 3 where James is telling us we are here for only a moment, a vapor, that shows up and then passes away. We have no clue what the next hour will hold yet we worry into the next century. When I do that, I am allowing the enemy to distract me and probably miss a gift the Lord wants to share with me….time, comfort, beauty, His creation, so on. However I can encourage you, I want to do that! One reason I’ve run from being alone at times is that I’ve struggled to keep my identity separate from the roll I have in my son’s life. It’s easy to forget ourselves in the mix of all we must do. However, it’s so vital we reflect and know ourselves; that we examine our lives separate from all others. It usually means we have to get alone and stay quiet….write down what bubbles up and take it to Jesus. Whatever it is…as you allow the “stuff” of life to be cleared away, God will have more space to fill you with Himself and there is no greater power and comfort than what we are given by Christ. Don’t put time with Him on a “to do” list or you will be discouraged. Instead, look at it as the needed oxygen you have to have to go on…just for you. I promise, you will soon find you long for those moments. Do let me know how you are, how I can help, and any other things that come to mind. You are one incredible lady, I so respect your authenticity and humility. In grace and peace, Colleen

  • Sand

    Hello Colleen, I enjoyed your post about T.I.M.E. with your insight from the opening of time in the Mediterranean. I know thoughts continue to be embraced with this travel experience. I have enjoyed your reflection and how creative you are to know and share such powerful areas of overall importance that = T.I.M.E.. you are brilliant to come up with this really, experience, time.
    There was interesting timing in my reading your thoughts , Trust and Expereince are two areas that have recently been very present in time for my growth . I have developed this Trust recently like really never before at my most inner core self and in my life and I have seen where my awareness of “how the response to Experience is the maturity of ones soul” holds great truth and very real in what i am currently seeing in others,and practicing so many areas of communication/response. I can only speak to where I am in time, and the other parts will fill in for what God defining purpose to my life will unfold.
    I wanted to say that I have identified with Jon development with where you have shared Jon is at working through some things that I find similar to my growth. As we talked about, it is almost like starting all over and going through the developmental steps learning all that did not have developmentally for me so to mature healthful and somehow some of the questions and challenges he has had overlap into being helpful to hear for my own growth. I can honestlly say that I have learned the most useful techniques that you have had learned from your own therpist and/or by Jon therapist. I am going to look back for the name of the book by one of your friends you said I would love. I believe that same book you mentioned there are “words” that I will very much relate to in my further healing, that I can sit with and understand.
    I wanted to share one other thought, I watched a tv program looking at the life and work of Edward Wilson, Scientist , When he was a young boy, I believe on Mobile Bay, Alabama, he was lying down at end of boardwalk/pier where he would fish,and he was leaning over the edge swirling arm in water when a type of fish, i think sword fish? or something that jumped up and somehow damaged his one eye, he was not able to see out of this one eye the remainder of his life. At that young age forward he identified and narrowed down that in nature that he could explore clearly ,fully with use of his one eye, so process of elimination of birds and birds thinking too broad to see with one eye, he then narrowed and found ants and insects what he can pick up and look through magnifying glass with “one eye” right on specimen. Thtat is how he used one eye. I wanted to share. Interesting documentary, I realize the controversy of his theory of evolution,I found his comparison of ants and humans and the ecology changes that are upon us with Earth and society seemed very interesting and really not far fetched in fact by our existence by God with regard to if we take better care of our selves, and our Earth which we are a part we can restore our Earth.
    With Love
    Sandra

    • Sandra,
      I absolutely love your desire for life…to live fully in each moment and to gain some sort of experience from it. I have not seen or heard of this documentary but will look it up as soon as I can. It sounds very interesting…so much happens when our senses are changed. Sometimes I wonder what we would know if our senses were untarnished by the sinful nature. Having a sinful nature changes everything about how we interpret life and how we live; heaven will remove such barriers and we will be free. I love your love for learning and your open minded interests; thank you for sharing them with me. You are a gift to my life…and to many others. Blessings, Colleen

      • Sand

        I am so happy to hear this enjoyed by you, and Thank you for your kind thoughts too. I am in misdst of the hurricane and low pressure rain ,right in middle of severe flooding of SC where i live. I know you have experienced much of rain flooding in Texas. God has provided, yet one extreme of drought this summer now filled with water. Like Noahs Ark…..My roof did leak again, the only person to come out is the unhealthy friend who kindly went into attic to place a bucket. That is why we try to stay in some communication, to try to be there he always manages to show up and happy during those times to help when a true need like this, somehow he puts all his behaviors aside and just show up.
        and water outside my specificc neighborhood much greater flooding,esp 45 minutes into Columbia very bad flooding. It has not endd, I also had two trees fall from saturated soil just behind house, Thankful not on house or any damage other than one fell on top of another. Still have power alhtough many other areas outages,trees down and roads out around me. I will let you know outcome after all passes, rivers supposed to crest tomorrow into Tues by time all begins clear.
        I do have another story that I heard last weekend, a Pastor on television service from CHurch 45 minutes away, I enjoy sermons ,very real and true sermons . If i recall correctly as I share, Pastor speaking of his garden flower blossoms this summer, but no fruits, (veggies)nothing after flowering. a block away the individual had all kinds of veggies after blooming flowers….The Pastor was puzzled and called around and I believe he called a university agricultural dept. and found it was due to the condition we are experiencing in environment regarding bees, it does not determine which area if a road away where bees polinated. He compared in sermon how compared to Faith, how if bees show up we have fruit in abundance, just as when we show up in Faith, all blossoms in abundance with Jesus Christ. I probably do not have this exactly the way this Pastor was so eloquently stating as it had such an impact while listening to him. I may have ruined his message alhtough I know how brilliant you are and that you will be able to fill in the pieces of what i have gathered.
        I am so glad that you connected and shared enjoying this documentary and appreciating my open mindedness/open heartedness.
        Thank you for appreciating me and who I am.
        With Love Sandra

        • Sand,
          I’m so sorry to hear of all the flooding in your area. My husband works in disaster relief and we have been watching the news to see what is happening around our country…especially with the hurricane or stormy winds hitting the east coast. I pray you are kept safe and dry. I’m glad you had a safe and healthy encounter with your friend…the he was able to help in your time of need. Sometimes, as my friend Joni says, God allows what He hates to accomplish what He loves. I KNOW He loves you and even though this friend has not always been wise and respectful, there have been moments where your needs have been met and that is what God promises….to meet our needs. How He chooses to have them met sometimes surprises us all; but may we never forget that He promises to meet us in our time of need always. For this, I am so grateful that you were cared for. I pray the damp weather does not through you into a spin with your allergies. Continuing to pray for you my friend, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am very overwhelmed this morning, another dam in COlumbia breaching this am. I am going to try to drive out today toward the SUmter County shelter at a high school,if roadways will allow, I am feeling helpless and want to help wherever I am able. If bring items,even hot coffee maybe Dunkin Donuts water okay and they donate where i can bring? clothing,toothpaste i can maybe come up with. some sealed snacks? Also I am sad my father did leave voicemail,and I have not spoken to him for almost one year now. I cannot find my calling coming to me to let him know i ok. I know that it will bring in return too much complaining behavior and negative digs or ultimate slams of guilt munipuliating comments toward me as to where i have been, with no sensitivity to me and my being for what he would then share going on there, with no regard to me and my sensitivity to what he may say hurtful. I am quite overwhelmed with all happening around me here. I continue to pray for guidance and miracle and where i am directed to help others in this .
            With love
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            You have expressed much in this short note; I want to bring consolation to each subject the best I can. First, your going to a shelter planning to offer help with supplies…Sand, people who run for refuge are in need, not the suppliers of those in need. While your desire to help is admirable, it reveals you believe you are unworthy unless you provide for yourself and others. This is such a common belief of those who had to earn their “keep”…so to speak. Sand, you are lovely, loved, lovable regardless of what you bring to any situation. Allowing others to meet your needs is a gift to you…and to them. While is it so counterintuitive, the reality is that we can’t ‘earn’ our love, we don’t need to ‘earn’ help…just show up as you are…whether in need or in abundance. It just may be that the Lord has allowed your circumstances to bring you to this place…to allow other’s to give to you without having to earn it by what you offer. I can’t know the mind of Christ; I can observe thoughts and behaviors and send them to you as a place of reflection knowing God will reveal His truth in and through it all. Next, the issue of your father’s call…hhhmmmmm. It is bewildering at best. Why it takes a catastrophic event for him to call…what feelings are bubbling up in you? I don’t know his motivation or circumstances for calling; I can know you are extremely sensitive, forming your real, true self in ways he will never comprehend. While we all long for acceptance and love from those who are “supposed” to matter most; quite often our longings are not met. Then, when disaster strikes, when we are utterly vulnerable, the phone call comes and causes confusion. In this, I would pay attention to what bubbles up and ask the Lord for His care and healing. There isn’t a three or four step plan…just you and God and His love for you. Finally, I am very concerned for you; please know I am praying continually for your safety and security. What feels like a total disaster may be just the event that brings you closest to Jesus…I don’t know but will look forward to hearing from you. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, yes this was a time of confusion and my feeling was from a vulnerable place where I have learned that when vulnerable and confused do not react,and I did offer my question to our Lord,which was almost an impulse to cal back, i knew otherwise by experience and the pull at my gut that has been a pattern to connect even though it places Jesus and me in dangerous situation, I was able to maintain my ground and process those feelings of danger and although yearning for a connection this was not where I was being led. I find it interesting as well with what you have shared here, it interesting that the shelter door locked and closed and i could not find a working number for an answer where those needed to go, all God work as what you have said is probably why He led me differently withthis, for my awareness and growth, and realize this is a truth I still have within me.
            Thank you for taking the interest of my growth in areas that still swell and hurt,and the confusion is bubbling for me.
            I will let you know how the conditions of storm are with roadways,and safety.
            Have a great day today
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to correct my note , I thought this was Jon’s saying, it was a friend Joni who you commented in what she says. I enjoyed your note and what you have shared. I did attempt to find use today with some kind of service as I had some items in car even a stuffed animal that i had not ever used that i thought a shelter could benefit. All I wanted was to help someone,or bring a brighter day to anyone who needed evacuate from his/her home. i drove around, first by the lake that I walk was closed, those working diligently at road of this park and one part of road closed, then furhter when I arrived at where I was told is being used as a shelter, this Center was locked doors and not one vehcile? in parking lot. I am so over stimulated and truly on a downslide brainwave just from where i was doing pretty well. Part of that too ,this disconnect, is suddenly my x husband wrote how i was doing. I replied with thanking him for kind thought of asking how i was doing and expressed some of what challenges i have been facing and he replied that hang in there, better times are coming (that which I have been hearing for a great length of time) and he attached a photo of “his baby”. Now we ahve connected here and there and with this current gal friend i guess he had not really continued to share with me about her or that he having a baby. I asked if his baby adopted or biolgically his as we had not addressed who he dating? married? and if he got married, and he replied that it is he is the father of the baby and his last name and that he may not marry the mom but they have a pretty terific relationship. He did not answer any other questions i presented. I celebrate for him that he is finding these bonds to cherish and have loving harmonious relations, and then there is the sag within me that something is missing in entire story of this,and how he did not say he and her name, it just did not sit as genuine honest way to share with me, that he not communicated all of what is happening with him. He emailed me a year back that one girlfriend did not work and i actually helped him by email cope with this split,and then another he told me about, and then another, then one he really liked, i imagine it is this girl? it just seemed odd he did not want to elaborate but elaborated on something as big as a baby. I guess that is one of the reasons we are not together, communication was not clear and strong for us and never found what i was balanced about what was discussed or missing information.
            For me and my balance i find it difficult when others share bits and pieces that then keep other information that would fill in the cohesiveness and be more settling for me. when too much left un told I begin to unravel as my brain is not able to get a full cohesive truth of situcatiion,and it does frustrate my brain and mental and emotional self when this happens. Why share somehting like a baby and not share with me what else is happening with a person . just drop that have a baby. okay. I need accept and move forward,and at same time I am so not in place I would have ever anticipated nor am i enjoying life to the fullest. It brings me great sadness, all these disconnects of sorts today.and for coming week at least i have real no way into Columbia where i gather much of food items,and pleasure concert and what are of my idea of healthful connections of those i pass that see me as frequently grocery shopping,talking etc. The one road there is cut off two places and flood warning until THurs,with other dams breaching still concern,streets still crumbling /crumbled or areas unsafe still to go through.My home is increased in mildew odor as well, that odor is so offensive for me,and this increased water leak increased odor for me,even though temp and humidity now cooler and crisper air. I keep praying for miracle with what nothing compared to most out there right now in shelters,complete houses having been flooded, yet it is my home and odor so intrusive for me. Tomorrow I hope to see things brighter and with more postiive attitude i have been keeping. I so need a sense and vision of hope right now. I will sit and I know it will come.
            Have a Blessed evening.
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            Oh the unexpected…how it shakes and shapes our soul’s. A major relational skill never taught in most unhealthy or abusive families is boundaries. Boundaries include where you ‘begin and end’, ‘what you choose to let another know and what you choose to keep personal’; adults are allowed to make those choices without requiring an exanimation. That being said, your previous husband isn’t required to fill in the gaps…he has moved on, as you have. There is no fault in such choices, only one’s personal choice…what to share and what to keep personal. Since your survival depended on “reading” other’s, including their assumed motivations and desires, those who do not share can seem like ‘tricksters’ when in reality, they have the adult freedom to choose. You and I have the same choice…it isn’t our responsibility to fill in every gap or space for others; it is our responsibility to treat other’s with kindness and respect and that includes wisdom with the boundaries we establish. You have been doing this with your friend who didn’t seem to respect your personal life; but when other’s draw a respectful line for personal space it can feel uncomfortable. I’m delighted to know you were able to celebrate this new life…one created by God of a purpose yet to unfold. Life is full of imperfections, yet if we can celebrate and empathize with those happy or in sorrow, there is profound freedom and joy. I so love your gift of empathy and care for others. Under His Sovereign grace, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I guess I feel hurt and sad about that part of our communication and it was honestly like that in marriage. My question is is that functional even in relationship of marriage to keep information or not answer? just curious from that perspective . I am happy and told him that bond he is sharing in love and peace is what i wanted for him to know in healthy relationship /bond with another who suited for him. I continue to be supportive and encouraging others . I had asked him back in June when email said he out of country for 2 weeks, sometimes he will share where he had gone and excited to share, then this time he never replied to that. Then suddenly i get a how are you this month, as we exchanged how i was doing, he shared the photo and answered that question saying the baby was where he was in June for 2 weeks. I guess i will accept what it is . For me I rather not hear from him I think if little pieces rather than a dialogue , i am seeking what I believe is healthful dialogue where can speak about all things and develop dialogue and respect for each other. I will respect his boundary as I continue to move forward. I guess I too thought if I am doing same type of boundary, I am holding my boundary for healhy as he must be wanting to keep for his healthy relations on his side sacred,and that i get. I would hate to know that he did because of why i do with my friend for i do not really like him and his behaviors. I do not believe my x husband thinks this, so that I have easier time with.
            Yes with my dad leaving voicemail, I was glad with this boundary that i have created I kept. I was happy that i did not dial back on impulse yet realized the awareness of the whole picture/circumstance, I held back knowing what the reality of all that is,and where it would go and I would end up wanting kick myself for falling into this “trickster” call and not fully interested in my wellbeing or me. I am going to re read your thoughts and respond more.
            Thank you for helping me through this matter.your support and encouragement and thoughtful care of my growth.
            WIth Love
            Sandra

          • My dear Sand,

            I hear a longing in your voice for an authentic exchange with your ex-husband. That is most loving and respectful. I can’t know his reasons for splintered responses…why he shares some things at certain times and doesn’t at other times. And, you can’t know that unless you ask. Since you are still tender and vulnerable, it is probably best to allow the friendship to unfold as it does…without expecting him to relate as you wish he would. It may not be a great time to connect…perhaps you still need to become stronger internally and I so respect that decision. The goal is to find what is comfortable for you and you are doing that. I am so proud of how you handled the issue with your dad. Sand, what incredible growth! It doesn’t sound like your wrestled with it much but came to a firm realization that communicating with him leads nowhere. What great strength that says about you. I’m so proud of you! You are a delight to know! Much grace and peace to you today, Colleen

          • Sand

            Thank you for these tender thougths to help guide me through these changes I am encountering within myself and increasing awareness with new sensitivities that I recognizing too. I am glad that I have the further insight and your insight when I am sensing confusion on my part,yet my gut is strengthened and yes not as much time wrestling with , more qucikly acknoweldging to take care of my vulnerable self in this area and recognizing that is part of taking care of Jesus Holly Spirit within me and me as a whole, who He has created not to place myself in situations of danger for this reason, the no I will get burned by that concept seems be quicker response, yet still grapple with some guilt and yes a terible yearning for loving caring repore and relations.
            I do agree that I am going to continue forward and let the communciation with my x husband be as it may by God will. As I said he was always that way where it may be his severe ADD/ADHD where I would ask questions, and he became upset with me , although he would not acknowledge continously, so off and on meds at his discretion,so it was unhealthy communication from both sides, my being more aggreseive that i realize now than “assertive” ,He was not one to communicate what within, taught to always not look closely at self in these ways,and here I come with my PTSD and then emotional breakdown and we both were not managing with connected maturity and wellness. I do know that when he had his 50th bday a few years back, he had opened up with me that he made a mistake and called a new girlfriend my name at dinner,and she was not happy and as the other girlfriend he had claimed he was not over me,and this one he used my name with claimed a threat there I believe. Well he had after that a surprise bday party that he said I could have come, I was invited by that individual and found out later afterwards when I emailed i was invited by his girlfriend in a genral email that went out stating to all on list that Scott speaks very HIGHLY of all of you and you are invited to come to his suprise bday party. After that, I know this is all not necessary for me to share, but after my emailing that this had occured and I did not go for my life unstable with not having home and I also would be uncomfortable with his family,etc there, so he claimed he was no longer dating this girlfriend and the invite must have come out jsut before their breaking off. That was about a month before his bday last year. I am aware his girlfriends have not liked that he communicate with me and that he accused of still having feelings for me,and probably accused vice versa as we treat each other in caring way. I gather possibly this could be he really wants something to work and he always said the one person he settles down with will need to accept his looking out by checking how I am doing. and stsying in touch the way we have with respectful care and wanting best for each other. I did ask him back a year or so why he did not respond, one time he claimed he had and another he claimed he just really busy with work and home. Then other times he was away in Europe and wrote me around a bday stating he away and thinking aabout me and that he was able to see the artwork I spoke of when we where married and I visited Europe on group trip without him, we were already toward separating but he saw artwork and said he was able to see what i was speaking of. So there maybe a group of reasons, and at same token he was always this way, getting pieces of information when I would ask of him to share. At end of day I know it will be as God wills,and I need let that part work its way .
            Sorry so emotional. I just had a fluttering in my heart as if I was going to faint, honestly I am overwhelmed with many areas this past few days, reltions ,and storm,and house repairs,and just alot on my plate.
            I am really glad that you have heard me and I am happy that we are able to connect on these areas that I can only grow from further insight for future harmonious relations that willl be unending and open and honest, I am aware there will always be healhty and communciated for those God will unfold into my life.
            Best regards for a warm blanket on your porch for a Fall evening
            With love
            Sand

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I had an uncomforatable dream during sleep last nite, I walked into room with my family ,some sitting in living room where i grew up and some standing and because of my not playing by the dysfunctional rules they live by, my mother bitter face as I always knew toward me in silence and anger,and dislike of me, her face and eyes bitterness and dark and siblings who also hostile and vengence building ,not one support in room. I know I have some guilt of my choices yet I know I have been on the path that God leading me, that for me is greatest gift of all. I am His Child and very Loved.
            Have a great day
            Love Sand

          • Sand

            Hi Colleen, I also wanted to share that as I was awakening this morning this poem for my x husband baby I began hearing flow in head as my eyes opened, so I emailed it to him later morning as I recalled .I said I hope that you will accept this poem,and expressed it coming to me for the Congratulations of his baby girl.
            he did reply Beautiful! Thank you, accepted. so I was glad about that as it was intended to share what coming to me for to Congratulate him with something special, the poem. i thought by email not to send in card as we are divorced,uncertain of boundaries that are comfortable by his significant other as he has a family now , this way it was simply forwarded gesture of thought of congrats.
            I wrote what i heard:

            Twinkle Twinkle LIttle Star
            little star you are,
            tiny fingers, tiny toes,
            what a wonder you are
            a radiant light
            cometh for June
            a time for you to shine your light
            keep shining little star
            wonder and delight in who you are
            Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

          • Sand,
            This is why you are totally amazing! You are an unbelievable impath…so loving, so kind, so thoughtful, so gifted to share your soul and touch anothers. I see you have a few other notes I will get to later today. But, when I read this, my eyes filled with tears. It is so loving and yes, wise to email. Very safe, respectful, and from your heart. There aren’t any expectations felt in the note, just a warm greeting of love and care for this new little baby’s life made by God. You are so gifted. Much love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am so glad we connected today. Thank you for bringing me a smile of your thoughtful heart,and how much you embraced the poem that flowed from my heart and brain. I love poetry really,and I am no perfection when coming to me these messages to write down and/or share, I simply let it flow as is. I am glad that you enjoyed and how it touched your heart to read the pure thougths that became a poem. I am going to look up the word impath. I love that, and that if correct is how I was sensing,as literally I was awakened at hour of 5:30-545am and heard this poem flowing in my head,and actually fell back to sleep and later morning had to write it down and share with my xhusband as it seemed would be okay. and so glad that it was so well received. I always cared so much for my husband and same as in the now as x husband.Honestly it was my decision to separate,he would ahve stayed in what had become so toxic, i did not know Christ as I do now,nor does he as he is Jewish,although I accepted this with no reservation,it was taht i knew the hurt of both of us and thought best he meet someone that more compatible for him,and me with someone who would be more emotionally and spiritually supportive embracing of emotional part of me and my needs. I guess it was as it was supposed to be? I know I gave up the material lifestyle for what i believed would take me to the purest of truest loving empathic unconditional sharing and caring love in harmony and for my being acknowledged andmy needs and me being of importance where lacking with what I was receiving,that was more imporatnt than material being provided for me to be acknowledged and mutually in same respect that bond emotiionally and I was determined .I did cry with so much pain to have to make that divorce happen, it was a hurt and he said he knew that was hard for me to do. He did not come ot divorce final in court. I do not believe either of us truly wanted to end up as in divorce. It jsut became where seemed over for many of the 10 years married,and seemed healthier apart. I know the main reason for me is that I could never reach him and I wonder often if his soul and spirit were of Jesus Christ and I at that time was more connected to Jesus Christ if we could have pulled together more maturly and wisely listening better /practicing communication skills as one with God,united with Christ and in fullest of honesty of each self.That was most important to me, I wanted to be connected in fullest of honesty and now of His Holy Spirit very important for me to connect to who God leads me in the future.
            I realize no going back,although I will accept these little openings that show caring over email. and practice no expectation,understanding new boundaries of not only his but now a family that would not want to threaten as yes this is unusual that we speak so highly of each other and stay connected at some level of care.
            I wanted to connect and I am going to chance a drive up to Columbia where I am told the market I go to is accessable,although I know more rain on wway,so I am going to attempt this today shortly.
            I am so happy I have our connection Colleen. Thank you for being there,and offering as you do this communcation, your interviews, your heartfelt care of others, you are a very special woman,and I am proud and honored to know you and to be a friend.
            Enjoy your afternoon, I hope to connect again soon.
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I hope that you will have a good holiday today.
            I am in a space today and yesterday that are like a dream sense. I am so uncertain how I arrived where i am at,and did not listen to a boundary of my own to have my own space and time yesterday. I shared an afternoon with the usually unhealthful friend, and then there was a communication gap episode. It is a matter of awarness . Anyway ,I shared probably too long of time,when I knew my need was to only be present a short while.
            I am for certain an empath,yes ,this is so true . It can benefit and then other times I so much an empath it is something I continue to learn to not be responsible for what i am sensitive to in others,and that is so difficult when energy not pleasant and it is like I sense the layers of the other person. It some ways is a positive learning I have become aware for example with this friend that I mention where I have learned that i need not say what i see and keep going on my path of awareness and eventually God will lead me to those harmonious relations of truest empathy and trust like ours Colleen, where I will blossom further into more supportive unconditional loving relations that bring me greater Joy in communciations and healthful functional sharing where I sense I belong as fit.
            I do need work more on my boundaries and my communication as I become frustrated and it is because i did not listen to the core of me and needing more time and space around that visit with someone I do not find greatest of joy or companionship,and other instances where I put that piece of me aside and say oh, I will join going there as something i wanted see too. When there is that added time beyond where I knew my limit was . I am sad about that my not listening carefully enough to me, although I am learning to take better care of me,and not feeling badly about it, I just need keep moving beyond these places and align with God to know He is the One leading me to listen carefully to these new heightened awarenesses. I have no ideea of my purpose in life, and these things I pray for today, to see how I arrived where I am at,and to know where I am going. In meantime I need take care of myself today for I was overstimulated with “busyness” of being driven out too long this weekend, we had lunch which was good,but I needed to keep the hours to minimum for my comfort and not to be so understood by someone that cannot support me when I do become confused or struggling with anxiety of thought of realizng emotinally sharing too much time and away from what centers me at home,yet not being able to communicate that clearly,and then expecting someone to hear what i am saying when in turn ends up arguing with me that I keep repeeating myself and misunderstands what is happening with me and for me feeling asaulted emotionally in misunderstanding I am not insulting ? So this too shall pass today. I need to find another park to walk today, the park I so love and so greatly consume the landscape of nature, birds,animals, sunshine, is indefinitely closed due to the disatrous water damage of swamp overflowing and crashing through park and surrounding areas in flooding fierce waters.
            I will continue to believe today.
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I was thinking further and I wanted to share, I work so hard to place myself in position of being ever so loved,or at least having that “feeling” ,and this unhealthful friend simply does not have the maturity or awarness of what empathy and truest of loving care means really,yet has certainty in self that knows it all.
            This is a good example,very basic simple example of communciation gap. I was told it was a peacock image on shirt I was wearing, like a watercolor so image muted,yet I said I thought it was a dragon,and then looked again and yes it was probably a peacook in tree with birds around,and then I said I love this shirt ,I am noticing it wearing thin some areas ,i do not want it to wear too thin and/or begin tear with hole that cannot wear anymore. He said well you wear it all the time with a tone of judgement, or certainty that stings the way accusatory way. That is how it goes,my mother was this way,and I continue to believe I am to forgive her is why this drives its way to me thorugh this individual. it is unhealthful exchange to be through these stings as if certain it is my fault why the shirt would become worn out.lol.for me it is heard from a deeper issue ,not a genuine that did not intend this. It is an exchange I am uncomfortable to be around too long,and I so much desire more positive relations to come my way,those that are not going to jab and make their point aggressviely, or too strongly ,I want to say look at yourself before you keep criticizing others. I read those who are so critical are doing what they are doing to themselves inside. Anyway, I will bring my gut back to a positive space and nourish me some how if can walk in sunshine and nature today.
            I know that was a very basic simple example, I so much pray that God brings me closer to those who I have more harmony around and with ,and where i live I do not feel like fit in here,it has always been taht way here, maybe God will bring me to other places? That is why I drive into Columbia anymore for connection that more of similar intersts of wellness, wholeness, more depth of interests in a more progressive setting?
            WIth love ,have a beautiful day today
            Sand

          • Sand,
            In most great Biblical accounts of those God used, they endured periods or season’s of isolation. It seems this time was necessary for all other dependencies to be stripped away, all distractions removed, all voices other than God’s voice was heard. The length of time we are in such seasons can feel like forever; but we must remember that God is outside of our human, earthly time and space. So what feels like years to us has no relevance to our God. During these long, drought-like seasons, we must remember His perfect character…His love is unconditional, His ways are planned for our soul expanse, He is ever present…we are never without the comfort of His presence. I look back over some terribly isolated seasons and recall opening scripture….the Psalms offered a soothing balm to my parched soul. Psalm 24, 27, 32, 34, 41-42, 90-92, 103, 139 to name a few. How precious are my memories of these dark seasons…they paved the way for where I am today. Who knows what God is preparing you for….it may be to meet Him with an intimate closeness that no earthly relationship can fill. It may be to bring comfort to others…His ways have no limit so cling to His truth as you enter each day and close each night with all the ways you saw His presence. This is a healing balm that will flood your soul and spirit. May grace and peace flow in abundance from the hand of our good and faithful God. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thinking of you today. I want to share a video that will yes bring tears to your eyes and heart and soul. If you can copy and paste this link and view at the timing meant to be. I so need a dog, during time of most confusion I sense movement of change are upon me in a very uncertain way, God will lead and as I miss my park to walk desparately, there is no ohter Swan Lake as in Sumter,SC beautiful landscape and walking in security gated park, there are more troubles greater to many others,so I need keep this in perspective and Hang on to our Lord and God and breathe knowing He will provide what is needed.
            When you are able to view link not only the shared unconditional love of Owen and Haatchi, and tremendous story,further see pillow that on Owen bed, the one that has an image from a favorite photo of a moment of smiling or “Joy” filled his heart and soul that is now on face of one of Owen’s pillows on his bed. I thought of you and Jon, as you have provided Jon a similar individualized space for his personal comfort and Joy,maybe an idea for an added pillow,just that special moment he may find connecting at another moment that will encourage and recall from sitting with his pillow of reflection of self and experience by whichever photo transferred as image.

            http://news.therawfoodworld.com/uplifter/the-owen-haatchi-story/

            Have a great afternoon

            With Love
            Sand

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I have had a really weirdly detoured kind of day. I need to locate a good place to walk and find the meditaitive setting I have enjoyed so long. In meantime it seemed I did find some rest maybe God knew i needed today.then a telephone call that I had not had in much time and did not speak up,just listened,it was my one brother who keeps in touch with me,usuallly text or email more so. he was on pain killers for a bad back .He has had two surgeries and back still causes problems with pain .I find it is when he is anxious that back pain intensifies and he tends to take pain pills these times, seemingly when something else going on emotionally overwhelming or what he cannot touch in himself what is stirring his insecurity. He had not downloaded like that with me in a while, so I just listened.I guess I am jsut in a frame of mind today where I “feel” why do men come to me to seek emotional care and support and listening and cannot provide the same for me? my father, my brothers, those i have accepted as partners, friends that are male, the pattern which I am so aware,and also awareness of myself where I know frustrated with myself for not being assertive still to say this does not feel good for me ,or to adjust some kind of boundary or maybe ask what are you feeling? about that. or what is really going on with you? to bring more closure of what spinning out of control complaining or emotionally expressing self from a core beyond conversation which is what is creating the anxiety ? I used to listen all the time,until I began having much overwhelming things in my life and not being able to stand up on my own feet well balanced, and creating more boundaries for my own wellness, it has been a good year he had not sought me out to do this. I realize there is a healthy means to exchange, lacking boudnaries when three times I attempted say i was going to go out now for a little while, he continued and he today acting more like the others of my family ,with hearing his attitude that not care about others,he usually more caring attitude, and he spinned his frustration today on not caring about others, he only wants to make money from lawsuits for his own being…..I kept quieter and he then moved conversation away from this subject. it took me out of sorts as he as well as others to me are acting way out of control these days…..Maybe it is me today, I trying to find my own balance? Maybe he sounded like on too many meds to really talk and out of control with this circumstance bothersome to my soul to hear and maybe I could have said lets talk when you are feeling more relaxed and I can understand you more ,the meds may be changing how you see things? It is why God keeps bringing me around those I struggle with in communication /relations? Is there a way I can learn better to be active in these type relations to bring them to God? these individuals I believe are angry when this happens and I am uncertain how to deal with this ,as usually will end up not as I am comfortable with.
            I feel so misplaced, and if I had someone to join me and move to Paris, or even Italy, I would jump on the first plane away.
            Much Love and Praying for His Grace to Fill me tonite,for I truly need His care to realign me to His Love and Peace,
            Have a Blessed Eveneing ,crisp Fall evenings coming up in forecast very soon. have a warm blanket and be well this evening.
            Sandra

          • Sand,
            My dear, sweet friend….I’m so sorry for not replying to your earlier notes; but I think you have hit a core with this note. Since you find the continued behavior on several fronts, it’s so wise to examine your contribution…not one that you wish but a habituated response due to years and years of programing…a roll where you felt accepted but were really used which is one of the hardest, most painful realities we have to face. It’s gravely disappointing when we realize our longing for love and acceptance was never the goal of the other person…that is dysfunction played out. I believe you have enough ego strength to go to the core of the issue…one that really frees us to choose differently. Since you are deserving of respect and desire healthy relationships, a change of behavior must happen. It takes practice but once you start, you will find it becomes second nature in no time. So here is the course of action I would take. First, take a personal inventory of how much energy you have for your personal coping and living right now. It may be 90% of your time is spent on you…learning new skills, changing behaviors, meditating on God’s word; essentially rebuilding your internal scaffolding for relational development. It won’t always be that way but it may be an enormous amount of time at this point. Therefore, with the remaining 10%, you decide how to spend your time and who to spend it with. Since those you have listed don’t seem to respect your boundaries, you must simply say, “I have reached my capacity to listen and I need to step out of this conversation/hang up the phone/get to other things in 5 minute.”. Most likely, you will not be heard at first (you have taught them you will repeat your boundary without action. So they continue to run over you. How angering and disrespectful. From here on out, you say that once…when 5 minutes is up, you do exactly as you have stated…hang up, walk away, close the door, ask one to leave your home, whatever. Follow through on what you say you will do. This is where respect begins. Who cares what the other person thinks….they haven’t respected you thus far, you are learning to respect you and demand that from others. Christ was meek-honest and tender-but no one had to guess where He stood on things. Finally, take some time to consider what relating looks like for you right now by putting these behaviors into a habit. It will have an enormous ripple effect….you will feel strength and confidence grow. Sand, you are a natural caregiver. You really care for others; the one problem with that gift is you can easily take on the burdens of the world which you must let go of…you are not the world’s problem solver…let others learn to solve their own problems. YOU will find enormous freedom. Start to practice this first. Then we can talk about expanding your ability to listen as you have the capacity to do so. This is a HUGE step in your growth…establishing where you begin and end…basic boundaries which will profoundly change your energy and outlook. Hope this helps. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I hope that you and your loved ones are well. I almost edited by deletimg my thoughts on this subject today and I am now glad I did keep thought open ..At a time you are reafy maybe you can clarify the first step. I believe looking at how I am relating and putting that into a behavior is looking at the % of myself available and puttimg the 10% into action as you have described. I do hurt inside as I without realizing fell into what sense of a trap in the way it scooted up on me where I found myself. I am trying not to be angry at me but angry at the “feeling”. I am glad you shared your acceptance of that I will not need the 90% for me forever and your understanding and supportive encouragement that this is ok and where God has led me to be . Thank you for reaching out to help with this for me diffucult subject of finding the truth in this and most importannt for and to me is your genuiune care and interest to help me function differently that will have a tremendous positive impact on me and my life forward. My dr has strongly and firmly spoken about this topic of my being used……by her passion and care of me makimg attempt for me hear what she saying. I heard and thought i was beyind this point and the relations forward got it….when slipped back i sort of fell into it uncomforyably not liking and not being assertive bothered me most.
            I do wish work through this.
            Thank you.I do hear in your voice perhaps tired.I hope you are well and find the rest this evening.
            My best regards
            With love and gratitude .
            Sand

          • Sand

            Colleen.I wanted share one more thought.after writing last thought I began to cry. I heard you and know tonite you were the answer coming from the prayer I put out today to God…in the exact clarity of without a doubt “that I can easily notice and understand”by this is what I asked. I hear clearly and yes so sad soneone need demand respect. And this being core of much hurt withon me that by your sharing so clearly and gentle I hear. This is I believe as your sharing this huge in being known now take steps with forward…I keep repeating word respect and it is freeing just to have been answered pray to identify and understand this core issue now. I look firward working closely with this
            Thank you s very much for being the one God chooses to answer my prayer.
            Love
            Sand

          • Sand,
            To be given such a compliment….I honestly say it is God who uses us…regardless of how broken we are as people. God is with you, speaking to you…I am only a vessel that wants to share His hope, His grace, His mercy and your spirit is open. That combination is one that heals and brings us to an awareness of His care. I am overjoyed that this was an answer to your prayer today. Something to note as you will return to the reminder of His faithfulness when future challenges are presented. He is always faithful…all glory to His love for YOU! Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, this is a true growth as God is delivering me this message as what it may feel like when someone wants to share what they do when they do, and how to accept that it may or may not be answered when I do the same question(s) for example my x husband. This does seem to occur , I am open and honest and often others look for me to respond,yet will not be in same position to dialogue. I think GOd is showing me how it feels on the other side of boundaries that I have been learning to create. So it will give me a full picture as whole the dynamics of boundaries.
            I am also really sad with the “feeling” of this growth, and really sad that I am not able to drive into Columbia for this week probably ,where i connect best with others of interest in wellness like myself while I am there, and I am not able to walk at the park I enjoy most because of their destuction by the rain flooding ,literally the sidewalks and concrete with rebar and wrought iron fencing thrown around in front of park by roadside as if torn up by something like a tornado, so I imagine inside the park, I do not really want to see what the water destroyed inside the park, I could not imagine and this agian I am being placed more in solidtude disconnected from maybe what i relied on as distraction of house issues,and wwanting/yearning so teribly to connect to nature and to others that have similar interests, with this storm I seem to be isolated further from the connnections and enjoyment/joys I am building upon and trying to keep a positive attitude and perspective that this too shall pass.
            With Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to share, as I finished writing last thoughts, I continued to have big tears flooding naturally out of my eyes. and what reconnected me was a sudden reminder of “Life is Beautiful”, it is imprinted on my life now,and although there is a sadness today, I now have a smile, Life is Beautiful!
            Many Blessings today,and Thank you for being there to hear my voice and care with amazing suport and encouragement for my wellness and growth for healthful life and living growing with Jesus Christ as my foundation of strength and love.
            WIth Love
            Sandra

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I wanted to say hi. I did pretty good after saying Life is Beautiful, I cried not knowing what sorrow was coming from,but after i wrote last thought of this idea like lightbulb that you had shared and gave me hope before again delivered my connection with God, that Life He created is Beautiful and all that is with us in it. I managed to clear away those tears and venture to find where to buy water,and some other items. I wanted to share that I did pick up wipes in little packages to bring over to the one Shelter i found where those homes that are flooded,these individuals are there. A Red Cross “qualitfied” as we talked about earlier, individual that is in position to be provider for those in need, he at first said they have all that is needed, until I mentioned i do have some wipes in packages ,and his eyes lit up, he said oh yes that we can use. and he took a unused box of toothpaste and some sanitary item i offered. I wanted to share as this is something that I know what it is like to be without all ones belongings,and it is more heartfelt care to give something than my low self esteem of myself. Honestly, I know it is an action from my gut where I understand ,from the time all my belongings in storage and some i needed sell off, still i onlly had my suitcase and that is probalby more than most of these flood victims. I was always able to go into my storage unit and pick up a throw rug or whatever it was that I wanted to bring to whereever I was staying at that time,and then the office space, there is a sense of just knowing someone cares to provide something that could be potentially useful, it is a care that generates in that offering. I do resonate with what you have said in regard to giving and my self worth, I try to do what I know is right and true and not for the self fulfilling reason of my self. I wanted to say that as I truly believe this was more a heartfelt empathy and reminder of what that is like to be without going home.
            I wanted to share something else incredible from last evening on news program. There is a mattress company in Columbia,SC, as you mentioned the giving from someone who is in a position to provide, I do not have the exact words that you shared in thought although this individual is a very good example and reminds me of what you had stated. This mattress store owner had flooding of his home in past years, and knows what this is like in truth, and he is doing well in his business and was not effected by this rain/water flooding,etc, and is in a positoin to offer mattresses to those who have lost in flood, and need replace what have had. I am aware most is probably going to be insured, although he offered those in shelters free mattress sets. He will be donating approximately 10,000.00 in mattresses.I am uncertain if I undrestood that the mattresses will be used in the shelter, i believe once those indivduals settled back into a living space, then he will provide for these individuals. I thought that is someone able and stable in life and business who was able to provide to those in need. Pretty cool.
            Many Blessings
            Sandra .

      • Sand

        interesting what you have stated, it connects to what the Pastor was saying about our lives and with Jesus Christ and our lives, the bees in comparison . I am not Methodist,I consider myself now Christian yet not connected to one Church. I resonate most with Evangelical because of your Dad and your wisdom and those that I know are Evangelical all resonate such warmth and what so real and true with Grace. I do resonate with this Pastor sermons week after week as I listen , i wish it was closer to my house. I may venture out of town to connect sometime no matter what denomination? think correct term to use.
        If I see the link of video of this sermon come up on line, I will forward to you. If I can recall more I will share, generally what you have stated with how our senses change, further “having sindul nature chnages evertything about how we interpret life and how we live” is somewhat similar. We have time now to change what is occuring in environment with bees as we have chance to change our sinful ways, I wish I can remember it all to share, I just cannot .I apologize. That happens with me, I often forget easily and cannot gather to share content. I know you have general idea, keeping Faith, our relationship with Jesus Christ parrallels many areas of living. Speaking of nature in both these stories/documentary and sermon, nature giving us sure signs of what happening with us as society, something as simple as bees are showing us this truth.
        Have a good day
        WIth Love
        Sand

      • Sand

        Colleen, I too late to edit last posting, although I wanted to add nature and ants as in documentary just like the bees showing us in nature an apparent truth , the truth of society and faith parrallel as both of these bring forth in doucmentary and sermon.
        If I recall more, I will share. I happy you have appreciated this appreciation of documentary and your interest .
        Many Blessings for peaceful day filled with moments of rest andmay there be joyful pleasures the day will unfold for you and your family.
        WIth Love
        Sandra

  • Sand,
    YES!!!! I love the story…such a connecting and comforting one!
    I think a dog would be fabulous for you….after all, there’s a reason they are called “man’s best friend”. We are contemplating the same for Jon….there is great healing associated with animal care…I say go for it! BUT, get a hypoallergenic one. There are a few breeds that do not shed or produce much dander…I suggest you look into this. Let me know what you find and I’ll do the same. Love your healing, tender soul. Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen. That is so great how you are an amazing Mom for Jon…always a thought how to provide comfortable home and “mans best friend”for calming and it is incredible how special you are.
      Thank you for sharing and I too will let you know if I can bring a dog into my life at this time as much as I know wholeheatedly it will help I seem to want provide stability to my friend /companion dog….I wanted say Thank you Colleen for akways understanding so well and being able put all in thought that is in a perfect perspective for me to understand and grasp with no confusion or anxiety..it reminds me of verse “there is no fear in love”.I have not a Bible verse right with me yet I know I wanted share this.
      Thank you so much for being my friend. I always know your intention for what truly is best for me and evetyone you share connection.
      With Love
      Have a good evening of rest
      Sandra

      • God is at work, Sand…just keep taking the next step. I can see huge changes and it’s an exciting journey to walk with you. All my care and love, Colleen

        • Sand

          Thank you Colleen for your caring thoughts and encouragement,and strength in His word that you share by your own experience with isolation. It is incredible message that as I began to build what was taking me away from isolation to what i found joy to get me through all the other areas of my life that include depth of hurt,sorrow and isolation, these areas now I developed /built are detoured yes I believe to Him as you saying, He certainly has this strong hand in what He I need trust in no matter how long,how tiresome,how odd to my eartthly imagination.
          I will take a look at the Psalms that so helped you and I know that you have shared, when I am in this mode of discomfort I have a very difficult time focusing to read,or do anything. Walking is the one way i always found to bring me back,and I today going to try another park. As Swan Lake worker on telephone stated there is no other Swan Lake, there are many trails that are not with security and too isolated,but I can think of maybe two that have somewhat outside pathway that can take time to walk? I will let you know how this works out.
          Thank you for seeing changes in me,even when I see some and ready burst into a new phase that I cannot see and with uncertainty of heart and soul feel a bit paralyzed with changes I am facing. and yes the intimate relation between God and me will be something nobody can fill in what shared in this relation. He most amazing God ,to know what He has in each and every one of us and connect,and be working through all of us simultaneously,and to know exactly what we are thinking,how He made each of us,our individual destiny of Divinely intended purpose when we have not imagined what could be coming. truly amazing God.
          WIth Love ,find patience and trust in Him and His work, finding your work part of His work is gratifying and comforting and reassuring,
          have a delightful morning of sunshine by you, I look forward to hearing and maybe on your facebook photo of sweet dog Jon finds name and place in heart and soul with.
          Sand

        • Sand

          Colleen, if you know of or hear of any individual with service dog that is becoming older and needing replace for some reason,and/or owner older and no longer needing dog or some combination, please keep me in mind as this would be one way I see fit to bringing dog into my llife at this time, a companion I can easily take with me into places and if travel away from home, and he /she will understand and know to keep stable around me.
          If not God does have a plan. I keep remembering in Hollocaust ,I cannot recall her name now,famous woman who I believe told sister or friend? what every morning was beautiful for a cup of warm coffee,and how when something happened with lice in cell of prison camp, that part of the camp there were isolation,and something with guard not coming by as usual? This allowed the two woman not to get the lice that traveling through others who separated from. In the scarce and lonliest of places away from own homes and belongings probably terified most days,there was His light and protection still.
          WIth Love
          Sandra

          • Sand,
            What a fantastic picture for us all to remember. And to think they were in a prison camp yet their spirits were still free. Thank you my friend. If I hear of any service dogs, I will connect with you. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, you are so great! I know I must sound via thoughts very anxious this am, not recalling exactly this story. I will gather the information so I get it clear and I know your Dad speak of this woman, so it is your wisdom I know may have known this story as I provide her name, Corrie Ten Boom. I heard this story by a gal at the Christian Book Store I frequent,and she claimed it is in a book written about Corrie Ten Boom???”Hiding Place”??? I apologize my mind not clear today if I have mis informed the exact story,although it is the intent and the exact spirit of her heart and soul that is what message I bringing your way this morning as in my thought and remembrance of the true meaning of the story. I will still find out true story today,maybe you will know too.
            https://www.pinterest.com/pin/561824122242378721/
            Thank you for remembering me with service dog ,one never knows what God has in mind, I thougth put out there and see what surfaces

            With Love
            Sand
            I had a beautiful English Setter and this is what he looked like,white with black markings and this may be a place I can simply find going for event and see if someone need a pet sitter? or foster mom.

            https://www.facebook.com/Magnolia-Farm-Lodge-276768845823948/

          • Sand

            Colleen, there was another thought I wanted to share yesterday that I heard. This true story, in Columbia,SC near where i live, a Christian woman on the news spoke of her and her husband house flooding from rains and how a Bible was sitting on a wooden chair, and as flood waters filled house, the chair floated and yes the Bible was completely dry as chair gradually landed in room as waters from flood lowering. and she claimed there was a check written to the Church on a wood table and that as well rose in water and remained completely dry as landed with flood waters lowering,standing in exact place ,each was completely dry and in same place where everything else in room thrown like a tornado came through.
            I also will try gather the correct story regarding Corrie Ten Boom for its validity and truth, if you before I do I know you will connect as well.
            Have a Blessed Day
            Love and PEace
            Sand

  • Sand,
    I am very familiar with Corrie Ten Boom’s story. In fact, she attended my father’s church when I was a little girl; I remember her deep, loving spirit and how she gave full admiration to our Lord. She was an amazing soul. The story is found in her work titled “The Hiding Place”…a magnificent story of God’s comfort in the midst of horrid circumstances. He is with us still, is not that a comfort beyond all comforts. Have a blessed afternoon. Colleen

    • Sand

      Colleen, that is so incredibly fortunate for you as a young girl to have connected personally and touched by someone else like this . I love how you have described her, such amazing woman she must have been. amazing how your lives were touched by her there.
      I did walk at a park that goes around soccer fields that were currently not in use,and very open, walkway paved, and all I can say God must be directing me to see something in this happening where the Swan Lake I am accustomed to walking was for me like a breathe of Heaven every visit, I continously had a sense of amazement on God creation of natural plantings and the animals and birds found here,always something right there, a Blue Heron to walk right across my path,or one time a gigantic beaver right across my path, yes snakes i had seen many across my path. Hawks,ravens, beautiful swans from all over the world ,baby ducklings swimming or waddling behind the mom.
      I can not say it is like any other place I have visited . I am in a bland environment a rural military town and not much around really,lately wondering if all telling me that this is not where I am supposed to be geographically. this Swan Lake was the one place i could sit,walk, take my time or short visit for day,say hello to many workers who dilegently and meticuously kept the grounds and the swans that are in need of care,etc. With this park not open for an undetermined amoutn of time for repair and restoration after severe flooding, i went to this other park,yet this park Colleen it was like I was the last person left on Earth and all the beauty was taken ,very basic pine trees around ponds but nothing ornamental or visual to really lift me to what was above and beyond . It was empty place. I know I had God to comfort me while i walked,and unusally I did feel safe ,that God was with me in park with not anyone there ,there had been some maintenance lawn mowing as arrived and they had left, so essentially solo walking in what was seemingly another message or layer of wisdom set upon me to recieve by our Lord? I kept thinking of Jesus birth, not pretty place to have rasied or even given birth ? although they were surrounded by a beautiful manger wise men and animals, so much more even to me than this park offered today.I did write downt the Psalms, I will sit with this early evening and pray alot.
      I actually wanted to cry about this incredibly odd removal of all beauty of nature for this time,and only replacement so stripped ,as if I walking a dream of nothing left but me in a place that resonated nothing but vacancy?I know it is incredible to have seen the difference in me there with not being afraid as I knew He was there. That was maybe what He wanted me to see.I trust HIM and His Presence as if He is right with me ,I cannot describe but a new confidence maybe with Him within and all around me watching every thought and action,knowing my everything happening as He is Master of molding who I am.
      I will find the positive in this and maintain the foundation of Faith that I am developing and standing strong on course with where God leading me.
      With Love
      Sandra

      • Sand,
        I think this represents a perfect visual picture of where God has you right now. Stripped to the very core of who you are just as nature has been stripped of beauty around you. I have read that when a forest fire comes through and turns beauty to ashes, it’s the ashes that cover the ground and offer nutrients for new life to grow richer and fuller. In the same way, it’s you and Jesus…and that is all you need. Yes, there is vacancy in it all…if there wasn’t, we probably would remain distracted or unchanged. And you are feeling the losses of so many things represented in the sweeping landscape loss. That is so full of sorrow and grief. Allow it to come and water the dry ground of your soul. Someday, there is going to be new growth and it will spring up like glorious flowers in spring time. Nothing holds very strong without a deep root system…I think your roots are growing very deep and very strong. You are becoming solid and grafted into the life Christ has for you…abundantly more than we can imagine. Hang in there, spring will come. Colleen

        • Sand

          Colleen, your thoughts like poetry,to create what it is ,not any distraction,”water the dry ground of your soul” is truly profound that is where He has taken me .
          Have a good morning,and Boundary lesson of 5 minutes intend to keep close too.My thougth last evening was your wisdom ,guidance with compassion and true grace are the very best.
          With Love
          Sand

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I did walk at this park again,and oddly it was another day filled with what felt like i was walking on a different planet? It was another very unusal afternoon, began to walk and the people periodically showing up there on path had dogs,but not the usual dog that has the look of come and pet me, they were pit bul and pit bull mixes.I know they get a bad rap for how ownership trains them to be ,but the muscular looking dog I became frightened and backed away and owner claimed okay but my senses today are all not picking up okay. And then yesterday sense of safety there, upon my getting there a man that riding bicycle alone there was yelling loudly in conversation with himself and that had startled me a bit.
          Everything seems off, and I prayed during walk so deeply.
          My gut this afternoon is sensing a validation that I am going to need find a place eventually to move and start all over ,and that this may not have been the place geographically for me to remain after divorce. I continue to sense misplaced in all areas. I did get my hair done today and the stylist i go to I said to her that I just have a gut “feeling” lately that I am not going to be here long,just a sense and I cannot identify what this is,a vacancy of sensation? she seemed concerned and said be careful out there,as if she must have taken it as I may be going to Heaven? I am uncertain where but this gut sense is just not keeping me in current circumstances, in this house, in this town??? I will be curious what God has planned and intended for my Divine Life purpose???
          I had a sad kind of day,but I wanted to say hello and it may pick up after all my praying today. And I did want to say I enjoyed Psalm 24,42,and 139 .I am really trying to just embrace me during this deep down gutteral disconnect and death of within my core self ,let God be in control of all.Spring will come!
          Have a good evening
          Sand

          • Sand,

          • Sand

            Colleen, I see you intended to share a thought here, but nothing came through. That is the kind of day i seem to be having. I sure hope it is not something I am doing to attract.
            Thank you for thinking of me, I will check again to see if any thoughts appear by you
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I’ve written a couple things…one about the appointment with your Dr., one is about the dog and equine therapy, another was about another PTSD treatment. Let me know if those subjects did or did not show up and I’ll try to resend. It has nothing to do with you…it’s just computers and emails sometimes do not work the way we want them too. You are great! Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am glad I am not chasing any good away. Thank you so much again for all of your encouragement,generous thoughts and kindness to be so supportive.
            I wanted to say if there is a time, more time than you believe goes by,as I know there have been a few times maybe 3 weeks gone by and you may not have heard me express what happening,when I did not write as much thought. I wanted to say if ever time goes by and you had not heard of me, it is not who I am and please know that something must have occured. I would not not connect, it is something I wanted to say as it occured to me if something happened to me, that you would wonder where I was or what changed so I wanted be sure you knew this from me.
            I look forward to a continued connection in friendship ,looking forward the day I can share thoughts of great good as a peak of my journey that I am hopeful will be a joy shared with your knowing me and traveling so closely in connection to my path and how God molding me, and through you shining His grace and wisdom so uncondtionally.
            I too am curious where I will be in one year time. My intention is to really connect with the therapies that will reach deep within me,connect the way i know God is leading me to be certain I can open up further to release what is holding me back in the ways I believe are within me.
            Many Blessings this evening, to you and your family.
            WIth Love
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I will be thinking of you and hoping you are safe from flooding with intenstity of huricane that may create these conditions in your area.
            I wanted to share with you Colleen, I am so thankful I sat down with my dr yesterday. It is the first relation that i can say without arguement we were able to work through some issues that i have identified as very deep issues and her being able share how she was feeling with what happening with me and her sharing that the past 4-6 months that she has seen my anger and she is okay with my anger, and that i have taken out some of that with her,and that is okay becasue it means i am comofrtable enough with her to do that. She was very accepting and I was able with her get beyond this point with great awareness of direct connection to my pattern being played out with her and having been pattern in many otther instances and becasue she so accepting of me and easy to communicate with, we were able to help me and identify also that my having not seen her since July and my avoiding this communication aobut what triggered in me feeling unimportant, where it comes from and that i do not need throw her away in “bad box”. which has been a pattern for me. We can work through this and have more visits that will help me maintain reality and work on these issues I facing. The pattern I ashamed to say is actually a good thing, that i am aware of now,and can look closely at and work more on the anger issue. The pattern is that as soon as I sense even if falsely believe something than what it is , for ex. the gal at Christian book store I hypersensitive to her change in greeeting me so happily and sometimes hug,”believing” she does “not like me anymore” or that I not as important as I believed I was to her, the norm I would place this perosn as I was going to do with my dr and others have done, in a “bad box”, but being aware for example the girl in Christian book store when I questioned her if she is okay,and what changes occuring in her life becasue I was uncertain of what change i sensing, she opened up and shared she busy,that she working three jobs, and she was going to be working at a dream job elsewhere. ANother ex is simple as a store owner, one time said happy to see me, the other time seemed to brush me off more so , that was my perception, the reality was he was really busy,and was shorter with me than usual. I have also done this with you Colleen, I am sorry to share this as a time I could not release self from what was triggered in my mind, when you had gone on vacation, I thought when you did return and I had not heard from you as I anticipated and could understand ,I may not have written in the three weeks time as I did not believe I was important to you and thougth I misunderstood what I beleived we shared,and in my pattern of avoidance is all i knew unhealthy way of removing myself where i may be abandoned or at least believe that but I know wholeheartedly and remembered how tender and accepting you are of me,and after some time I knew this was not truth,nor real at all. I know now too boudnaries and I have changed about this. I love the five minute boundary excercise we talked about. I keep this in mind that I not the only person out there and more understanding of this process within me. I am sorry to say this,and of all people I know this was not true but when in the this mind space I believed I was not important ,the “reality” was i had false belief and know so much better now that this was not true and I have a pattern with this. I had picked up the sensititiviy I speaking of with with my dr, . She was busy on the day she may have been more to the point,and she also said even though she did not understand something I shared, she cares and is there for me to talk about. Ultimately i have something that is huge that I am so surpised of myself ,and not to use my own self critic, but now my inner teacher that i working on alot and now i have identified a pattern , and lesson to see further what i am angry about,and if cannot know if too confusing, to simply notice I am angry right now. When get into a negative place not going into communication not serving me well in reality of situation,and I wiill say ” I dont know if you understand how important this is to me and I want to tell you how important this is” is one thing I can say. and to be less judgemental,more curious about this bad box and good box i have compartmentalized those that i pick up on something that not intended but triggers abandonment, ridicule, not liking me,all issues that the sole basis of my mother and my relationship, yesterday I realized how much serious damage I have endured from this relation and now positive identified and work through . I will continue to look for the therapies we have talked about like Equine and I will do these outside the therapy i currently will make closer appts with my dr to work through issues as coming up for me in especially this area. I am so happy I did return to dr for this is a huge process she there for me to work through and that I now identify pattern so critical of me and self awarness and future relations with those who care so much as you Colleen,and other individuals. The add’l therapies will be really valuable to me as well.
            Have a Blessed monring and hoping you not in flood area,
            WIth Love Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I am so, so proud of you for going to your appointment and talking through your concerns. You know how easy it would have been to run and never faced your fears or concerns? Most who have been neglected or abused don’t have the internal or “ego” strength to have these kinds of conversations; therefore they often stay stuck in believing what is not true. However, you chose to address your concerns with her, to speak honestly and I’m sure very graciously about your feelings, learn the truth of your relational contact with her, hear how she is for your growth and cares for you, and then leave with a feeling of fullness…WOW! And, I am very glad you shared with me some of your frustrations…that if I have not responded to you, there has been some angst or feeling angry…thank you for being honest. That is a gift to our friendship and shows a very powerful level of trust. I honor you and what comes from your soul. I am sorry that I am unable to respond as quickly as I would prefer or you may desire. Yes, there are a lot of things I am involved with but that does not mean you are not important…it simply means I have to establish when I can get to my responsibilities. Because I care deeply for you, I don’t want to rush into responding either…there are some notes that contain a lot of information; sometimes I take time to pray and ponder how to reply instead of just sending something so it’s checked off a “to-do” list. I don’t do that with people….I care and take very seriously the things you say and want to honor you and the Lord with my words or suggestions. Another thing this is cultivating in you is what is called “frustration tolerance”. Since your inner development was scattered due to survival, it can often feel like needs are desperate and have to be addressed immediately…there is panic or fear if something is left unattended because our minds quickly race to assuming or thinking we know why someone has not responded. As a result, we are quick to frustration in having to wait. But learning to wait also forces you to harness your imagination, to not assume but to tell yourself the truth. The truth is…I care deeply for you and take time, pray, and don’t send you anything I’ve not thought over deeply. Isn’t that comforting…at least I hope it is…for you to know you are so valuable that I consider my words carefully. Any delay has nothing to do with you but with processing what you have said and asking the Lord how to answer. From here on out, please know if I don’t reply immediately, I’m either tied up with some responsibilities, family needs, on a writing deadline, or want to think over what I will say. Sand, I consider you so very valuable, a treasure, a pearl of great price; your transformation process continues to be an investment from my soul. I’m honored to be your friend and to know you, walk along side you, and be an encouragement to you. If you are ever frustrated or wonder something, just bring it up…nothing will push me away from caring for you. I’m thrilled for your honesty and growth…have a wonderful day. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen.you have no idea God led me to those false brliefs that I lrarned veey quickly the teuth…I know you care..you have been the vehicle in growth I cannot behgin tell you. You see you are even thiugh physical geographic distance between us a girst teal snd true friendship….honestly I have not had the ability learn and practical ce what has been not beung able see so clearly…I am now opeing up in ways I never imagoned …I want so much reply but have not been able read tour thoughts completely…I started with low fever yesterday….toniye 101.9.I burning head and very bad chills.was trying wait out dr appt but now cannot rest comfortably here..i have not been sick like this in 9 years time. and I been crying putging some of yhe deepest anger in koirnaling earlier evening since dr appt brimgomg up si much.hurt want release.
            I so know now better boundaries in you snd others and wanted at least express my greater awarewness in who truy cate for me.thank you for working toward healthy understamding relations .my heart filled with gratitide for your kindnrss.love Sandlee

          • Sand

            Thank you Colleen. i am still not feeling well as I wanted read rest of your thoughts and your care always rings so through ,beautiful way of communciation trully, I do know that there have been times where God wants me to pick up with His care and comfort and that has been my learning during times with anyone really that i was believing falsely in being abandoned , i will come back and read again,as I am develping and realizing so much it is quite remarkable. and I am so grateful that you work with me the ways you have to bring me so much wisdom and understanding in the process.
            I did want let you know that i have had a fever here, yesterday most of day 103. i began taking motrin and that brings down 99-101.7 ish. I not up much .I went to a dr yesterday, so far he treating me for bacterial pnemonia, he was suspicious with white blood count pannel ? one specific number,yet chest xray he claims does not always show accruacy. I am coughing teribly ,terblie coughing.
            I did begin one antibiotic today. He said if this does not help me we have another antibiotic he prescurbed stronger, and if i am not getting better he wanted me get cat scan.
            I am hopeful the worst goes away with strat of antibiotic. because honestly I have not been sick in 9 years and I cannot recall this kind fever with what came to me.
            Have a good day, I hope you are well too.
            With Love
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am hoping that you are well. I continue struggle with what mystery of bacterial infection, now on stronger antibiotic and if not ok in two days to return to dr.
            I simply “feel” as if I am living a bad dream that I cannot awaken from anymore.
            I know still the optisim of my heart and soul see that the Swan Lake that i so connect like no other place on Earth really, where i resonate and connect and align with God in ways that simply feel my element through His beautiful landscape,and there i simply “feel” most like who i truly am,and vitality expands everywhere. well, I hear that it may reopne in a few weeks, which in my minds eye i optimisitc i will miraculously be well and turn around to return to my favorite place to then rebuild my health as whole walking with God on the path of Nature,all the camelias there they call “Camelia Island” will be in fullest bloom still. I do wish I had better news to share with you, all else and me still seem to be on a very delay.Much Love.and thinking of you with hope we are good and my honest pursuit of learning how to relate has not hurt nor offended you in any way too.
            Many Blessings, take good care
            Love Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I came across this center in Nashville Tenn, called Onsite,

            https://www.onsiteworkshops.com/explore/

            Unfortunately again they do not accept insurance, but i did interview by telephone, I am drenched by being with infection and not feeling well and with unclear voice from coughing,but i did develop an inititial interview and I will be sent a scholoraship application to fill out as the interview showed I would benefit and qualitfy for the one week healing program offered. The hard part is it is 4600.00 , if I receive help by scholorarship I would receive half the cost by Onsite. I am open to creative way to obtain the other half, maybe a way i can raise for myself to enter.
            I am completely committed to this process if God provides
            Have a Blessed day
            With Love
            Sandlee

        • Sand

          Colleen, The more I connect and our friendship travels with you standing and walking with me so wholeheartedly, I have to say again you are so amazing. I honestly can say that our connection is the closest on Earth flesh that resembles the warmth of Jesus Christ blanket of warmth that encompasses me through the most struggles I have faced at my age. Thank you so very much for being you and for showing me unconditional loving care and for me to have learned wholeheartedly what Grace and unconditonal care is,and so much more of how you approach with wisdom and undersanding, your warmth glows ,radiates across your thoughts and care. so much of Jesus Christ.
          I wanted to share that yesterday I had unraveled a bit, and one of the odd things is when at my worst at my inner core I bumped into the attorney I had consulted a few years back already who did not do anything to help me but spoke to me that he was on my side in help,and eventually I released him as I learned without his admission that the rural small town politics are tight and he was not doing anything for the seller realtor was one of the most dominating strong holds of all business and happenings in this county. When I saw this attorney he looked at me as if a game as he always looked straight at me in dishonest words and eyes spoke that thought i was a fool being open and good hearted,as I know many people do believe this and try to take advantage. With this I just wanted to say that it saddened even more yesterday with other pangs in my soul, it was that one final moment that I do not understand when happening. I had arrived home last nite and the house odor was even greater with previous leak during heavy rain that was here last week with flooding,etc from storm. This week sunshine and dry but the odor became worse. With that I could barely last nite, I wanted to so rest and embrace that sorrow and pang in gut, yet I could not tolerate odor of house magnifiying my pain within, so I remarkably drove into Columbia, 45 minutes usual drive was a bit over an hour with traffic still from flooding detours, and at dinner time hour, I am actually glad I did drive now. There were a few people in Columbia that have stopped by whether at light rolling down window and /or in parking lot, in last week when visiting there that stopped me and asked where did i pick up the “Keep Christ in Christmas” car magnet, I told them where I purchased. I only seem to find this connection in Columbia outside wehre i live, as much as I never really liked COlumbia, it is called concrete jungle, a city of many lights and not known as pretty city here anyway, but I connected with people just being there that resonated with me. A gal was giving me a complement on my sweater at same time I was admiring her cute outfit and said so, she claimed, I was going to just say I liked your sweater….and that similar minds like similar things….just these little encounters and on radio your Dad speaking and another religious program came on during driving.
          I know I write so much to read,and I am so thankful that you have always accepted this about me. I missed your voice yesterday and was thinking I may call sometime again and you will find my voice probably different, not as confused, maybe even a glimpse of my inner tenderness that I have softer I believe than ever, continously working on me, and concerned very much for my not harming myself when in the space that was in last evening. I honestly cried on way home and struggling and wanting to reach out to stylist and tell her I struggling as she may be aware. and her son military so i was going ask to keep me in mind if he knows someone in son’s circle that may need give his/her dog away that service dog? I also contacted someplace in my state to see if any thoughts/ideas on this . Also I need to find someone like you Colleen that will be able to help me further in healing. I have dr appt this end of month,next week,and I keep in gut having thoughts that she no longer understands me, I need to know further that someone with more compassion and understanding help me with memory that I believe surfacing and this struggle I am experiencing in growth. I just need help but have not found the one to help me, Jesus was with me yesterday morning in my space I knew He was there as I was clearly aware of His presence, and I know I have Him, me and Jesus all I need ,ultimately He will greet me at Heaven gate. Last nite my heart was fluttering and as sleeping as it has occured before where I honestly thought my heart was going to stop while sleeping,and actually saw Jesus,and even last evening crying on way home, I was wondering Do you think Jesus has been showing me Him and bringing me closer for He is going to take me soon? I thought I had a tremendous amount of healing further,but recently I am sensing what it will feel like to die and what that complete traveling alone to Him greeting you as the greatest greeting after that sense of loneness traveling at death to Him and meeting Him ,then that “feeling” completely will be over. Anyway, I was wondering . Maybe He has a bigger plan for me here and I am simply like a snake shedding the old and it “feels” like a death process here in Earth Flesh.
          Thank you for listening and accepting me and understanding me.
          With Love
          Sand PS I will paint my door color and foyer color this weeekend, as you see it takes me time to take each step of this project, and focus and gather self to do something. I truly wish to do one pillow too this weekend ,the lamb/sheep pillow. I wanted to share a woman in Columbia on news that she sewed 100 blankets for homeless ,so terilbe someone murdered her that was a negihbor who she helped. Crazy world, I wanted to share her gift of 100 blankets made by hand most of all taht how she did this incredible idea of how to give! So many sorry for this loss. I did not know her but not a good reason why somoeone take her life. I may need find a sewing machine someday taht on sale, this is something I would like to do,she was able to have her story shared and this idea passed on to all those to do. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Fall season,fresh air and sunshine your way. Love and Peace Sandra

          • Sand,
            I always read each word you send. I am sorry I cannot reply to each note but I put them together as part of your story; hopefully to write back in a way that honors the Lord and gives you tools for continued growth. Just wanted you to know I never skip over your notes and value each word you say. So admire your continued growth, Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, you are right in that I have been distracting myself, today i could not go out, appearing tired yet wanting to go out and distract in something fun surrounding today, and then i began looking through a box for something and found a letter from my oldest neice when she was in her teens, she wrote when will i visit, more than one time she wrote this question in letter, she is oldest daugher of oldest sister who has pediphile husband, my neice father. I never went to her house when lived there those years back, she always wanted me to bring bathring suit,and my brother in law disquisting behavior i would never go. He would gaulk and get close ,yuck, ick, disquisting man. I simply paralyzed when asked and without knowing support of family ,letting him be so loved as father and husband,and there be nobody there to be acknowledged about my truth.
          This was the first of neices that did not invite me to her wedding and I have no cards anymore from her either,as much of my family as you are aware. .
          Anyways, i began to cry as just before picked up reading this old letter, I was low on self “feeling” so unloved,trying to connect with God and His word that I am so loved,and not absorbing this. I was not so well this am. I am so sad,and I believe this is why Jesus wanted no more distraction right now,for me to tap into this to release these tears of painful sorrow.
          Have a Blessed Day and weekend,
          With Love Sand

        • Sand

          Colleen, I want to be honest about something. I have been distracting myself as I am really scared of not being able help myself when so much in my core too overwhelming for me alone. My dr I just do not have any longer confidence in what this all is coming up for me. I wrote Dr Phil show ,not that i want to be live on tv,but he has resources that if I were chosen can not use my name maybe and maybe have access to Dr Lawlis that works closely with his program for PTSD. I just do not have confidence wihtout some type of support of more than the one visit here and one visit there and not getting to core of self issues that have attempted all things to help me do this and I believe I am needing a “program” not a book or reading about how to help myself anymore,maybe a program to go away to awhile? if it like this one no medications,I will say a prayer and see if this is what God intends and will provide. Maybe i am simply tired?
          With love,
          Sand

          http://drphil.com/articles/article/713

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I wanted to let you know I am going to walk to this park that had been closed, I know there will be multiple changes there I will feel heartbroken,although I am grateful it is opened for those who rely on its magical beauty made by God,and its workmanship to provide such beauty of landscape for visual relaxation and calm and excercise where can see this magical Blessing.
          There is a thought I wanted to share today, one that I know you will resonate. There is only one thing in life that is forever eternally never changing, and that is the purity and love by Jesus Christ. He is never changing and that today is the most comforting thought. His word and He never will change,He will always be the Master of all plan, when we do not even know, He never waivers in what He is completeing for us. I can recognize it is when we calm and relax and call to Him, He provides a warmth and calm and peaceful embrace that beyond words.
          Thinking of you today,WIth Love and care,
          hoping you out of flood area in your state and your family and you are well
          Best regards,With Love
          Sand

          • Sand,
            I’m so sorry I’ve not been able to reply to your notes but I’m getting to them today and have read them all. My heart is sad for you…for the grief you are enduring, the losses you have experiences, and the veil of sorrow that weighs on your soul. I am so very sorry. I also am so very honored to know someone like you who has chosen to hang in there….to not give up or give in to the enemy. The last thing the enemy wants is for you to fall into the loving embrace of Jesus…and yet, that is what you are doing again and again. It was the only way Jesus lived on earth as well…to go to His Father and cry for help and hope. There was no easy path for Jesus, there are very few easy paths for most on earth; although social media portrays a different picture, the reality is that we are all longing for something more than this earth can offer. It is for Jesus, for eternity, and for all that is coming. That is our greatest, ever present hope, isn’t it. In spite of our surroundings, Jesus is with us, in spite of our experiences, Jesus is with us, in spite of how we are from day to day, He is with us ALWAYS. That is the truth you and I cling to and that is our hope. You are going to make it my dear, tender friend. Just cling to Him as you are doing and He will be there for you. Much love and care, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you for your kind thoughts of understanding and support with acceptance,and encouragement even when I realize you are wearing many hats during each moment of every day,juggling so much really being a Mom and caregiver ,sometimes I seem to bubble up and over with thoughts,and this I realize I can manage better. Thank YOU! for I know you realize I working on all these areas of self and yes learning to continously cling to Jesus and pray for clarity in His direction and every step of the way here. Even if I need take my time for valididation. I truly have so much more work on my heart and soul to do, I know I am on the course of His as you say God molding me to His will for me. I know you are always understanding,and Thank you for being patient and reading all the thoughts I have shared,even when there are more than a few coming your way. I am grateful for your thoughts of acceptance,and always wisdom and encouragement of where I may grow and growing.I am glad that your husband has taken you a real picture of what has occured in SC. We are second county that had been most damage to roads and bridges in state. It really is first destruction by nature that i have personally experienced in such large range and what will take quite a time to bring back and yes better is SCStrong way being spoken by our Govenor. It has an effect that I seem to build myself up and as you have always shared that with Jon care,there are always surprises that just change everything ,and it is similar sense for me that it takes me off guard and off balance, yet I rebuild by Faith and that clinging and building on the foundation with God that is only way truly to hold on and accept these changes/detours,and acceptance in perspective and attitude. It is honestly exhausting but go on,endure for what we know is better in His plan.
            Many good wishes for you and God leading you to the dog most suitable if it be His will to have for Jon companion.
            With love and care,
            Sandlee

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I am hoping that you are well. I thought I heard in your Dad voice where he had sounded like a cold or allergy during one of his radio programs last week,and I am aware this time of year can bring these issues. hoping you and family are well.
          I wanted to share an update. I am receiving help from God today in a miracle of way I believe He showing,leading me. I had an insurance adjuster out to look at ceiling/roof leak that re leaked from heavy rain we had some three weeks back.He was so thorough and showed me his sincerity of what truth this house and the contracters that have taken advantage of me and those that do not see the long term but instant money in pocket approach.Colleen, he was a Christian .He was so kind to me, probably the first person to walk through my house that I was certain had the greatest connection to God and shared integrity and care of my situation. He spoke today of my needing a dog! This has been a clear sign and he has 3 in his family, one being a dog I have thought about lately, a Golden Retriever, he said they are great companions and will hear a car as soon as turn up driveway.I have had several messages for my safety these past days, for “my protection” encouragement of having a dog and for the companionship. He also after finishing up shared a story of how his daughter was married 4 years back and he began taking out his anger on the Golden Retriever they shared ,and then took out criminal domestic violence and she could not see as he choked her,but she heard a voice tell her bring out arm and when she did there was a coke bottle she hit him with to get him off her. She ended up goign home to family and Church supported. She after 3 years met naturally a Church member who family had known 30 years back ,and he had just lost his wife,and now his daughter and he as God intended them to be together so perfectly. Oh Colleen, I hoping that I have not missed messages from God. I have procrastinated on getting dog for cost and my lacking stability ,and have not found the Church to know I fit into, yet there are a few Churches I believe I would,one 45 minute drive,the other local? Maybe my fear is holding me back? I need reallly sit with Jesus and ask him to identify the dog I am led to,and maybe go with this message and know God will provide as He always has for me,that I give my worry to Him and His care. Much of the time I question my messages for fear I am not clear headed and I ask for validation that yes this is what God wants for me, so much hesitation I need feel stronger in myself, and continouslly pray for clarity and judgement ,and validation ,it takes so much energy and creates anxiety where I do not need.
          I do beleive this adjuster has been an Angel today,he is including much of the repairs in living room related to leaks/water damage,and including wall taken down to repair and what behind it,etc. I will await further notice in his report.
          In meantime he showed me what to request for keeping my bathroom floor stable and without collapse in a way that holds up until I have the money for repair this bathroom area separate from any claim in insurance but a legal matter being a lengthy process.
          I am so grateful today for this connection to another Christian individual who understands how God works, how God is placed and places us, this day the Insurance adjuster placed on my claim to come to my home.
          THank you for listening and being there for me to share. Colleen,I am also considering a facebook? needing to place my fear of those who I not wanting to let into personal space and story aside and know that there are ways I can keep privacy? even on facebook. I have no family to share and I do not want to look as isolated and alone as my page would be,so empty. Maybe you have a suggestion.
          With caring love,and gratitude for your being the one person who has stayed the course with me,and encouraging me to stay the course ,helping me in ways only God has worked through you in helping my mind and heart and soul embrace Jesus and develop my relation with Jesus Christ in a way that of the Holy Spirit, unconditional loving care and support and the wisdom and grace of God.
          Thank you today and every day,
          Sand ps I am going to change name on disguis to Sandlee, adding my middle name. Best regards.Love Sandlee

        • Sand

          Colleen, I wanted to add that the insurance adjuster whien telling me of his daughter experience ,he said when she first came home she withdrew and isolated herself from others ,and my eyes filled up with tears. I think he may have known I was struggling with similar issues. He was so gentle to kind to me here in how he spoke and shared a sense of humor while in my house and Faith,and how that is what brought his daughter out he claimed as I said I beleive she was able to move on with his and his wife and his son support and love for his daughter,he claimed and the CHurch, God. I hope God Spring for me will unfold as beautifully as his daughter meeting someone that had the capacity and depth to truly know the unconditional love and care of Jesus Christ.
          I wanted to share too that the Swan Lake is not reallly walkable, such tragedy and disaster there,they created fences where only a straight line can walk and not able to go further around ,bridges broken out, i thought okay at least I can go on the days I just want to sit with God Blessings of nature on the areas that are open and so much alive in connection for me with God. THe other days just maybe God has taken me to meet someone ,or to show me the other park that to me sterile and vacant, to connect with His validation of bringing me closer and to share this park as it is open to dogs there? I trust this is where i will need to walk for now. and I pray and ask for clarity and valdidation of what step(s) he is leading me to take,and that it is Him and what and where He wanting me for my Divine life plan and purpose. And have no doubt and onlly fullest clarity it is what he wants for me.
          Have a great afternoon and be well today
          Love Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I have been hearing about the devastation in your area from my husband. It sounds so awful and I’m sad for you! I know how much outdoors speaks to you…I hope they are able to get things back together soon. Just like life, sometimes things have to totally fall apart before God’s healing can begin. He is still in control, rebuilding something beautiful…it takes time but I’m sure it will be done well. The gentleman sounds so warm and kind. I’m delighted you were able to hear his heart and he seemed to know you needed the comfort of his words. I continue to see God’s hand on your life. It does feel like forever at times but I see from where you were even a year ago-amazing, profound growth! I’m so proud of you and for where God is carrying you! In His arms of grace and care, Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I wanted to share yet one other happening here regarding dog interest. I found this website, my English Setter was the color white with black as seen on this link. I called after a week of procrastination and the gentleman on phone said absolutely I can come out to the farm lodge and he will take me out with horses and dogs and show me how they are taught to point and flush, no hunting involved with this. and then i can decide if want a dog and/or if anyone needs foster of their dog and/or see what I can do on farm to be near these dogs and events taking place. It is a bit of a ride,maybe 50 mintues? not sure yet how far but I am going to connect and contact this gentleman Monday to set time go out this next week. I would to be near these dogs and look forward to this.I will continue connect and let you know about this and all happening here. https://www.facebook.com/Magnolia-Farm-Lodge-276768845823948/timeline/#!/276768845823948/photos/pb.276768845823948.-2207520000.1445359854./369944379839727/?type=3&theater

          Have a good afternoon,

          Sandlee
          ps COlleen, I totally did not add this photo to share but onlly cut and paste link to show up….oh my goodness, this photo is what my dog looked like,and it has just appeared as if i copied and pasted separately than link copied………oh my…if that not clearly a message?the link that did not show up that i cut and pasted is magnoliafarmlodge if you can see on facebook or online it brings me joy to see this.

  • Sand,
    The animal work sounds very healing! I’m so impressed that you reached out and made the appointment! Please let me know how it goes…we have thought about that for Jon too. Wonderful news! Colleen

  • Sand,
    There are several PTSD programs you may want to check out. I don’t know what your insurance covers but I would seek some intensive work as it appears your symptoms need a more direct, specified approach. Let’ me know if I can help in any way. Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I wanted to say to you that if there was one way to say Thank You, the greatest way that I can identify to do so for you and your being the closest I have ever sensed to Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father God is being connected with you. I will say further maybe with my understanding of meaning may not be exact of this verse, John 4:18, it is to this verse my understanding of what it means to me, I shall always recall who you are and have been with me.
      http://biblehub.com/1_john/4-18.htm
      I take incredible pride in knowing and connecting with you. For someone as I who has “feelings” of tremendous shame and low self esteem, this has been a place for me to open up and with purest uncondtional care and loving support and encouragement I safely blossom, with your acceptance of me and all as a whole who I am. Yes these are feelings, although I know that you have provided this place of connection that I shine my brightest in connection and acceptance, without fear of expressing my true self as a whole.
      Thank you for this gift of Jesus Christ so close in our connection, through you He has worked this incredible gift. I always am inspired by your communication ,thoughts,loving care of others with greatest wisdom inscribed words of God on your heart and soul that shared so easily without looking up a verse of His word.I particularly today would like to understand better Matthrew 934, I seem to be resonating with seeing it beneath the verse I have shared,and I will read later today in conttext.
      Thank you, I am incredibly anxious about my appt tomorrow, I have given it to the Lord, I know all I can do as I always do is be honest, even if my “feeling” of my dr not liking me anymore and/or her without complete understanding and/or relating to my being as a whole and circumstances over past few years, my lowest points, and at core bringing me back to a place that I can manage self , I know I wholeheartedly can only be my honest true self in expressing this with her. She is always open and accepting of my feelings and easily talks openly what I am experiencing,so with that, I know we will be able to talk tomorrow abou tthis change in our relationship and what I believe my needs are at this point in time. I know she will embrace my thoughts and as always want to expand and work on what she can do to help me and support me in doing what it is I need from therapy in the now.
      Have a Blessed day today
      With Love
      Sandlee

    • Sand

      Colleen, my day certainly has a few twists i wanted to share in extension of previous email. My dr called leaving voicemail to confirm appt. she said in happy tone she is looking forward to seeing me tomorrow,her office flooded and she wanted be sure i knew different location and door code to get into see her. I left her voicemail claiming I am glad she wanted to see me that she said that as I believe she does not like me and that I do not feel she understands me, i said in quiet tender honest voice,and began cry a bit during message,taht I wanted to talk to her about this. She called back leaving voicemail that she wanted to say that she does not know how I did not believe she did want to see me,and looking forward,and that she does feel hurt,and if I wanted to talk about further she will talk more about this with me tomorrow. Her tone had changed completely. I “feel” like I am going crazy lately communciating myself and not intending to be hurtful yet those who claim they care,even my unhealthy friend who claims he so hurt by my voicing what I believe is truth, I know I am not responsible for the reactions of others, but it is not a comfortable good feeling inside me now to have more ,especially my dr hurt by me .I am uncertain what to say to anyone anymore about anything, I know I will work through this and my dr will be open to discuss anything. I simply do not wish to have so many angry with me for what I am sensing in my gut to be true?
      Have a good afternoon today
      WIth loving care
      Sandlee

      • Sand,

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, another one of your thoughts not there when I opened to read, interesting day it has been. Energy all around me changing, went to shipping store and owners retired and they never mentioned to me over the past year that this was the intention or planning. I would have liked to say good or well wishes and happy for them. I passed on my thoughts through new owner. Christian book store gal that is so sweet, she was so gentle and kind as I have known her there at store,and she passed on one of my first Bibles as she had claimed a few years back that she had so many and this was about the time I believe I began connecting with you,and reading Bible at hand. Well, she has a dream come true of wanting to work with children so will be leaving and working at Christian book store on Saturdays only come January, she will be working at a school recess assistant and then in a daycare full time. Maybe my house will be the welcome change coming my way? with insurance adjuster seemed optimistic. I am so happy for all changes occuring around me, some not so easily happy for as in the devastating park repairs due to flooding and destruction, yes I am happy for all in others that is good.
          I did receive your thought of equine Therapy, and interesting you mentioned ,i checked into about 3 years back and it was a bit too far in distnace and the woman wanted me to do more of Reiki for her horse than interest for me to be in healing therapy relation I so desired. I love horses,and that this horse farm lodge mentioned the fact that they go out with horses and dogs I was estatic to be surrounded by both animals i love so . I will look again now that i am at a new stage of need, I am going to seek another resource perhpas for equine THerapy, I need this softness in approach that I find in animal communications.
          Thank you for thinking of me with this in mind and supporting what it appears God has in mind regarding my finances and His knowing what i can and seemingly would be overload in this area if I took in a dog as companion and my family.
          WIth Love, I am going to read your other thoughts,hoping they came through .
          Thank you for your kind heartedness
          Sandlee

    • Sand

      Colleen, you had wanted to hear of my looking closer at rescue dog, I wrote to Golden Retreiver rescue and had heart on one blonde Golden, and wanted to inquire with whaht real and true in my living situation. As they claimed the dog would be a companion and do not nor is it affordable to have a dog coming to them a service dog, that being said the director of rescue declined my looking at possibliity of dog for greater reason of the claim that I could not afford financially to take a dog. That was truly why I had not looked into getting a dog, there are family member and ultimately whether surgery or like my previous dog a diabetic, it is up to me to fulfill and I honestly and truly knew i did not have the means to accomodate a pet at this time.
      I do believe the English Setter Farm lodge is going to bring me fulfillment of being around dogs and posssibly pet sitting/foster for anyone there that has a hunting dog English setter or other pointer. I will place my hope in this and Know wholeheartedly that this is how God is leading me at this time. Perhaps when I meet someone ,he will have a beautiful dog to share in our relationship.
      Love and Peace
      Sandlee

      • Sand,
        I would also check out Equine therapy…horse therapy for PTSD and trauma related issues. They are using horses for this therapy as the way a horse strides, the neural connections in the brain are affected and it’s healing. Also, horses can be very therapeutic as well. I think it’s best to follow the dog’s direction….it may end up costing more than you can imagine and that is not what you need….another financial worry! Great to know…keep moving forward as you are. God has you in His care. Colleen

  • Sand,
    I am tremendously proud of you and pray your appointment goes well. All my love, Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, Thank you for your kind thoughts. Thank you for being proud of me here. I can only recall one other time in my life when someone said this to me,so this means so very much to me and for me and the most encouraging thought I can imagine. I know you probably have said this in the past with our connection,this time I hear it so clear and appreciate your heartfelt connection with me. THank you,I will let you know how appt and communciation is, I know God has good intentions completely in His hands .
      WIth Love
      Sandlee ps I did receive the Equine Therapy thought and the one where you mentioned that you had left me some thoughts, I did not get the other two ,possibly the same one that you had resent? from earlier ? and something you mention on other therapy thoughts, I did not see.
      Thank you so much. I will connect tomorrow afternoon after my appt and settled back home. I have had trouble getting onto cell phone for outlook email so it may be later by time I can connect after appt.Thank YOU.

  • Sand,
    Oh my goodness….you sound like you don’t feel well…I am so sorry! I’m so sorry for the discomfort, pain, and exhaustion. I’m sure your body needs so much rest as this year has been filled with many demands. You are an ever-reaching, ever-growing woman, I so treasure that about you. And, it’s probably hard to just rest….but I pray you have these past few days and the time has offered you some relief and release of negative emotions. Know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers! Much love, Colleen

    • Sand

      Colleen, I am going to place prayer on this, it is interesting this program at Onsite is huge on so many levels, it will help me let go of such unhealthy friendships and learn communciate,interact at such healthier level moving forward.

      I truly have nobody else to ask ,if I can ask of you if you would write me a letter, this is what the Onsite grant application is asking

      “Support Letters:

      We require two letters of support from people who are aware of your financial and recovery situations, at least one must be from a counselor. For example: Your doctor, counselors, clergy, program leaders, and others in your community or family who recognize your recovery efforts and financial issues.”
      I know you know me enough to know of how to answer this and in this letter, i honestly have nobody else . I have my Psychologist but nobody as supportive and close as you have been. If you will need me to telephone you over next few days, I am happy to do so. Right now honestly I am going to need go rest as this second antibiotic is not serving me so well, i feeling worse in some ways,
      Please consider my heartfelt request
      Thank you
      With love
      Sandlee

    • Sand

      Colleen, the unhealthy friend wrote me that he did write a letter of support, he was not sure what i wanted to be written, and did follow through, i have not received,but i do hope that my Pshycologist will support with letter for me, i know she will be very supportive of what i am thinking and hopefully understands my believing this is a good fit if happnes for me. I do welcome a letter from you too if you were comfortable. like i said i can call you if you are comfortable. If not I completely understand.
      and it is okay either way you feeling. I value your wisdom and care and who you are always no matter what.
      Have a good evening,
      Love
      Sandlee

    • Sand

      I miss you Colleen Swindoll Thompson! I think we lost connection via disquis? I am pursuing this Onsite program healing retreat. I am applying for the possiblity of grant to pay half. The other I leaving in God hands, i called insurance and if can obtain some kind of what would be out patient as insurance described the program i speaking of ,even though a week long intensified treatment. I have an organization beyond that locally i am going open up and ask if that group may be able raise me the money if Oniste does pay half .
      I also Colleen am finding myself directed to good care of an alelrgist.Believe it or not my attorney recommended her. and yes she is 5 star rating upon my further reveiw. She is terific. She confirmed that house allergy to mold and dust has exasperated and developed into full blown irritant of my lungs. I am going to be getting allergy shots to help while i await the repairs in my home,and have all new ways to allergy proof my space .dehumidifier as we spoke of is necessary. I know I am being directed to this care. I have another appt this monday with holistic nurse i have not seen in about 4 years now. I know she is going to tell me I am being hit hard by same issue? hoping nothing more digestivelly to concern me. The allergist said if this strong antibiotic i taking does not clear lungs or it comes back before allergy shots completed,and all that, she will prescribe an antibiotic to clear lungs.
      I wanted to say hello. I am still interested in your thoughts of Onsite and if I can ask for a letter of support from you, simply by knowing my working so hard on healing and some of what we have spoken in regard to challenges of house and grieving relations in process of healing, so much really you are aware of about me. I am so happy you are so dear to my heart and soul really.
      I do hope that you are well. and your family,and Jon enjoying his personalized room. and if you were able to be guided to a sweet dog for Jon too. if God has delivered or not in its time yet.
      I am listening to yes Christmas music…lol…first day found on Klove.com if you look up and they have a wonderful Christian radio and Christmas music now streaming.
      Love and Peace
      Sandllee

      • Sand,
        Oh my….I have tried several times to reply and am terribly sorry you have not received my notes. I’m glad you persisted…hopefully this will get to you. First and foremost, the fact that you are taking such good care of yourself is magnificent!!!! I am delighted to hear this. From your past, it would be almost habitual to disregard yourself and lack self care attention in many ways. But, the truth is, you have taken in the “good” care of you from me and a few others, not to mention the LORD’S love for you…all has gone into your sweet soul and filled you with the belief that you are worthy of being loved and cared for. That is a treasure to me, Sand. To know you have chosen to invest in your life means you believe your life is worthy of love and time and care. I am over the moon delighted to hear this. I am so very sorry to hear of your health complications. Interestingly, I saw a show last night about the very thing you are enduring. A couple had mold in their home (behind the walls), got terribly sick with infections and health compromises, had to do much of what you are doing…Oh MY GOSH! Its so overwhelming! They tried everything like you have and over time, got better but it was a long road. Sand, there is nothing easy about the road you have been given to walk, there is incredible dignity is how you have walked it, truly respectful and with honor. Of course I would be happy to write a letter for you, honored to in fact. If you call my office and leave a message, let me know where to send it (since it’s the weekend I’ll get my messages from home), and what needs to be included, I would be more than happy to send something. Please know I so believe in you and think you are moving in an incredible direction. You have continued to plow through monumental challenges, I can see such great things ahead for you. I hope you get this. If another blank page comes through, let me know, I’ll send a report. Thank you again for reaching out in spite of the lack of connection, I’m always happy to hear from you! Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, yes! I received your thoughts, they have touched me so that i have tears that have built and flowing gently, simply for what you have so kindly showed and shared for me and with great interest and care of me, I am honestly overwhelmed with the unconditional loving kindness you share,and I am not sure you will ever know how much that means to me, our connection, your genuine care and Jesus flowing through ever part of you in your expression of thought and interst.
          Thank you so much for being okay about the letter of support. I will by Monday leave with you as you ahve asked a voicemail. I so appreciate this, above all you have such gifts and coming from you I really pleased and as well honored you would do this to help see where God leads me with Onsite one week Healing retreat.
          It is incredible what you describe seeing on tv too, my gut knew this over the year but I had not been led just yet to where I needed help/allergist, and the final overload with infection determined the necessity. dehumidifiers suggested are expensive, but i may invest and/or see if dr office has a payment plan for a few months maybe, or simply get one from Amazon for 50.00 that has very good reviews for the interim. So much good information came from my visit . I will let you know how monday with holistic nurse goes, I am going ask her not to give me too hard time…lol…for it being about 4 years out, and expalin much of what i have been enduring if stress on body has been for greater good of my healing, purging, and maybe got tossed around with house ,etc, withouth it being any of my real and true control. I think she will be gentle with me.
          Thank you for your thoughts and great encouragement to stay this course and being my biggest Cheerleader all the way with all I am embarking upon, where God is leading me is terific, I just know it!
          Many Blessings for you and your family,and do let me know if you were led to a dog for Jon and how you are . I saw on dr oz show today a glimpse of how to hydrate and have pleasure of flavor, i think the individual used bubbling water and had orange slices, raspberries and using lemons ,etc to add flavor. I thought of you too.
          With Love and Many Blessings prayed for you
          Sandlee

          • Sand,
            Isn’t God’s timing wonderful…sometimes I wish He moved a little more quickly but He always moves and it is in His good and perfect accord. I’m thrilled to know you were encouraged by what we watched….I kept telling my husband, this is exactly what my friend has endured…EXACTLY! The couple got SOOO sick, they spent the better part of 2 years recovering, eventually that included a move as their home was too filled with all the molds for them to endure. And, it’s no surprise that with all your other stressors, your immune system would easily slip into a sinus infection and now gut issues. I hate how hard antibiotics can be on our system. While they are necessary for many things, they also cause a lot more troubles in other ways. It sounds like you are being wise and attentive to your needs. WONDERFUL! I thought of one other thing to include in your message as to where I need to send your letter of recommendation…what do I need to include? Do they have any forms I need to fill out or policy requirements for those writing letters? Just want to make sure I cover all the bases as we move forward so there isn’t any hold up. Praying you are beginning to feel better and stronger each day. The sun finally came out in full bloom today….we have had a week of gray weather and it was beginning to get to me. There is such wonderful refreshment is cool, crisp sunshine. I hope you are getting some sun in your neck of the woods today! Let’s connect soon. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, Thank you for thinking of me, I feel so cared for in your thoughts,Thank you. Tomorrow appt with holistic nurse is what i a little anxious about, as the nurse there does the most thorough workup, ph and dry and wet blood samples ,and she sees every organ,every cell, it is quite wild, and yes I am a little anxiuos, maybe a little scared that there will be more from what i have breathed in, but I know it is all in God order of timing, exactly His timing as it seems to be pulling together these resources now that all has peaked. I will let you know how all that goes. and yes I often wonder if I will be able to stay here , only beyond the repairs will I be certain what i have here. I have all lining up as God has been building on this timing, most incredible but it is all becoming in His order.
            I am going to telephone and I may copy and paste the specific guideline of the “suport letter” on disquis here for you to read, it brief description, and then I have not received the “possiblitites /Grant” application by mail yet, so I was thinking I will leave the name of my contact at Onsite and her address and my address, if it will not be too much whether forward me the letter by email for my copy and I can forward with application, or if you will find easier to mail this individual contact at Onsite the letter of support and I will let her know that it is coming to her directly. I am so happy to have something coming from you Colleen.
            Thank you so very much , also yes here too we have had rain and cloud cover for over a week now. Yesterday there was some mild sun peeking through clooudiness but rain again today and I understand not until thurs now we will wait to see sun again. My heart goes out to all those who have not been able to live in their homes with flood and the mold that comes with that too, so many effected,and by news I can only say it seems by you too this is existing weather conditons and what is occuring with flooding/molds,evacuations. I too thought to get my Vitamin D checked, mercola .com has a test and i may order for this winter and for my strengthening immune system through these challenges.
            WIth Love and Peace
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Colleen, I am glad that you had the sunshine today by you, yes there is a wonderful delight in the cool crisp sunshine,and I am glad that you had this over you today, a smile of God.
            Best wishes for your neck finding comfort and all well there soon.
            Thank you again for connecting and sharing your thoughts.
            glad we connected today
            With Love and with His Grace
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, hoping you are having a better day this day. I wanted to let you know that yes digestive issue, the holistic nurse has me doing various things like Hydrocloric acid? and digestive enzymes and need to take vitamin and minerals as very low with what she showed me in red blood cells on a wet slide sample
            she does, literally see your cells and all my red blood cells stuck together called i think she said nickle back? , healhty cells are to be all separate and moving around. so not ideal for gut right now. She claims the antibiotic is keeping fever away but until i get my calcium and minerals up that the fever will come back. Essentially have some things to build up protein with this remedy for absorption, is collegan and brewers yeast to have in smoothies. For my healing she applauded me for all the work I have been doing,and being on the other side of the fence. She claims all this will build up my immune system as physically not ready for the healing retreat in this condition, so she said all this is to build my strength and prepare for the healing retreat I am seeking this Spring. I a little let down, but all is in good hands I know this for sure. Also she said that to use organic castor oil rubs over liver area on exterior skin and then have a flannel cover and then to get a heating pad to place over area as i go to bed and set for one hour to go off,and just go to sleep, this will help in the healing anger of liver, and she said also that my lung infection, and that Lung organ is grief, so it was very interesting visit. Also she recommended a specific “acupunturist” that does some kind of dragon therapy for emoitional blocks and also she gave me homeopathic little teenie tiny balls to place under tongue for lung/grieving that she claims work very well.
            I wanted to share this all with you,
            Have a good restful evening andkeeping you in prayer for your neck, Jon and your family
            WIth Love and Peace
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            Hello my friend. I have just a moment before lunch so I won’t write everything here. But, I do want you to know I received your phone messages and the last few emails as well as this one. I am over the moon thrilled that you went to see this doctor. INCREDIBLE news about the organs-I knew about the liver and forgiveness/anger-but did not know about the lungs. I am all over that! Interestingly, as I’ve been doing some grief work myself I have also struggled with sinus/breathing/repertory issues…it’s all coming together. I couldn’t believe her knowledge and how thorough she is handling your complex situation. This is EXACTLY what you needed…a full spectrum approach…not just one person to reach in to help. I love knowing you are being surrounded by loving care for recovery. And you are pursuing it in a whole way. Just toally incredible and I’m so happy to read and learn! I will need to know if you want me to still send a letter; they have a timetable clause in their statement that I want to make sure you are within the limits. I think it said a 6 month window. I’ll help in whatever way I need to. I’m off to lunch but wanted you to know I read this last night and was thrilled. I’ll get back to you later. Blessing my dear friend. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen have a wonderful lunch there, and I will be thinking of you too. Thank you for your incredible encouragement and support. and yes this lung regarding grief work is real and true. for when you return later , I wanted to share the “ignotia” hoempathic for grief pellets for beneath tongue, the name seems to be by Standard Homeopathic, made in USA. and if you look up ignotia it will give you description. on bottle it does not say lung, although Ignatia Amara pellets “simple nervous tension or stomach cramps” although for greiving and lung.I am informed by this nurse i go to.
            and yes it is interesting how back in summer i went to Mayo Clinic with all the same symptoms minus the fever, i had the cough and fatigue,and the diagnosis was fibromyaligia. I agree the “whole” exact approach of this kind with holistic nurse dry/wet live blood analysis and ph saliva and urine for me are most exact as whole understanding and treatment essential at this level . I thank you for your care and support with this greatly. I am uncertain i mentioned the accupunture that she as well has suggested for me, and that is “dragon Therapy”, for emotional blocks, and for her in history this was one time visit and recovery that she healed and never needed to return , it was like her system identified and she had gotten it cleared for good so she highly recommended my trying this too. My body/immune system is weak, however, I am continuing with the possiblilities application for grant. Thank you for being so thorough in reading the guidelines, and yes I will still accept this letter of support,and Caitlin at Onsite had informed me of a February healing retreat, that will be my focus ,and the nurse I see holistically supported that as being timeline for strengthening me so I can and will be able to endure what that intense week would bring for me. I get the sense that Onsite is understanding and that Caitlin is aware of my having pneumonia,and I am going to move forward believing that with health issue taht this would be honored and taken into account for any potential delay, for now I will continue keep in focus the application and process bringing me forward and in good health I will be able to follow through at timing of Lord and what set for February goal.
            THank so much for being so happy about all this for me. I will connect later to let you know how all is going. I will be taking hydrocloric acid and digestive enzymes and nurse has me also taking organic collagen powder and brewyers yeast organic by beets in smoothie with what i need find is organic greens/algae to add with almond butter and i do blueberries and flax seed. The collagen/Greatlakes gelatin .com is organic and she claims the protein that i need to absorb and for my heart “cartlidge ” and bones. specifically good for my heart cartlidge flexibility? as she claims if I do not get the calcium and minerals absorbed that my heart will give out,so all this is essential right now, and that the heart cannot pump as well with my red blood cells being all stacked together and not apart with full oxygen within each of them floating. i believe that is how she described all and her insight with this knowledge is very exact and good medicine practice for me, she gave me a big hug and was so proud of me, clapped with great joy for me in healing process. She described in her journey someone she was not able to recall but the story was heard on a transformational “cassette” at that time was that those who would treat one nicely if stayed on the other side of the fence with those that held dysfunctional rules and controling behaviors, we would stay like those on that side of fence if not on the fence and over the fence to other side,and all those relations we leave behind for our greater good of healing and transformation. the analogy of the fence I will remember,and to stay my course to change that , is to change all relations. i think that is how she described this experience by someone who had an impact on her changing over time in her own journey.
            and yes, you knew of the castor oil pack, it is I am told by nurse from Edward Cayce? and as far back as Jesus using this? this is what she told me, so i am off to pick up a heating pad to place over liver area tonite with castor oil i will rub /massage onto liver area and place flannel over and then heating pad, she said i can place castor oil on bottoms of feet too. so yes this is for me the coolest for Jesus mentioned use of castor oil? I am told by this nurse.
            Thank you for your unwaivering unconditional care and interest for me Colleen, I so will keep you in my prayer and thought for your grieving process and wellness overall. Many Blessings for you as well today and this week,
            With love and care,
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, a good day is wished for you. I have been thinking of you over past few days. I do hope your neck is feeling better than this past week and Jon is well. I remembered your loss of great friend like family Stu and thinking of how much he must be missed by Jon and you and your familly. I know the holidays are coming and times are moving fast forward yet the memories still fresh in your experiences where he touched your lives as you have shared with me he had.
            The sermon today was about the Widow might? it was about the true meaning as per this Pastor, he read verse and told a story of two African men with Leprosey and they were healed by a Dr, and they gave Dr 1/2 of all they had, when God only wanted them to give a 1/10 they were told, that this was too much. The men claimed for their love for God and that they wanted to have His word and love stay on this Earth. I think I have sahred most of today sermon. I am not feeling so well,and more forgetful. I enjoy sharing with you.
            My lungs are becoming congested as soon as i stopped last antibiotic,and cough subtley reappearing with coughing up and clearing what is like beginning of reappearing. I have an email in to the nurse holistic rn, and see if need go back on antibiotic. In meantime I look at myself with great concern. This is so not like who I am. The allergy shot is delayed until early Dec as they need to order my own specific kit and it will take that long before i have next appt for first “two” shots, going try two shots at once each visit of 5 total shots. I am uncertain of all this but if I will not then be allergic to the mold and dust, then it may be able give my physical self a greater chance pick itself up.
            I have so much I wanted to share, one of which is so cool. It reminds me that i really need find the energy to make those little cuddly hand sewn pillow animals for the oraphanage. I had my Psychologist visit,we spoke of the maternal anger and my working to release so I took the hard cold doll that was left with me as baby in hospital with yes brochitis with pneumonia two times, i know I have mentioned this and the second time my mother back some years told me that she saw how angry i was more so with second time left in hosp. I used to have terible nighmares of crying and crying and being left with nobody to come to me. anyways my mother left a doll that was so not cuddly, and i have been stepping on it and throwing against wall. trying to release some of that specific experience anger. My dr talked to me so very tenderly face to face at her office, so lovingly and it was calming for me, and she suggested I go out and find a doll that would have been what I thought I needed at that time, so I have been surfing the web and all kinds of ideas, first i saw lol a dog stuffed animal with heartbeat and warmer in it i think, then i found some blankets that are said to be so soft and cuddly that really remind of Jesus wrapping His blanket around my neck and self to keep me warm and like this idea very much, and then there are many sheep stuffed animals that come with blanket and all very cuddly, specifically a line from Nat & Jules baby Christian baby line, so cute,anyway yesterday an hour on computer and at Christian book store I was being fulfilled with a calm with this idea ,so interesting.
            I wanted to let you know too that I wrote Caitlin from Onsite an email to her checking in with me email, and I am going to speak with her by telephone and get more detail of one week healing treatment,and with my circumstance of not being strong enough emotionally and physcially at this time,yet with thought of the program of Feb how realistic. I did inform her of your acceptance and interest to forward a letter of support and I will be able determine if she can keep with my application for when I ready and able. My Psychologist wanted me to be able to be ready for this and be able to ask my vulnerability what it is ready for,and embrace this ,and to want to remain in a “therapeutic window” for a positive experience that i can benefit greatly. She reminded me of just this Spring how I was so overwhelmed with the visit to Alanon and how I was not in a therapeutic window and I could not cope,it caused me greater anguish and distress for some months,and I even stopped seeing her a while for I was not albe revisit any type therapy at that time. I think probably recall I back slided a bit and was much more brief in much of my healing as I was having such a difficult time, so i turned to finding joy even though so deeply i had terible pain and sorrow deeply. I just could not cope. And for the rn holistic nurse to have commented that i not physcially ready and to help me prepare is another sign of concern that emotionally and physically need continue strengthen . With all this in thought, I pray that God will bring me to better health and He will be guiding me for what right and true for me over the course of these next months.
            Many Blessings for you and your family for a fulfilling day, and hoping you are comfortable today.
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I think finding a little doll or something that is ‘lovable’ to you is vital. When my son went through some of the hardest challenges in his life, we found a little ‘beanie baby’ bear in the baby isle-he chose which one and named it “Happy”…we decided that “Happy” was there to help take the sadness out of his heart and put in the open spaces a peace and joy through the Lord’s care. I pretended to listen to “Happy”-would hold him up to my ear and “Happy” would tell me how much he loved Jon, believed in Jon, and was sad when Jon was sad… so on. It was a great “middle-man”…Jon felt loved by “Happy” and cared for “Happy” just as I wanted him to know the Lord loves and cares for him. Even though Jon is now 18, “Happy” remains his partner and friend…one of two little stuffed animals he has on his bed. So it is with us all…we need to know someone is in our corner, cares for us without condition, and represents the love of Christ…no judgment, no condemnation, no shame…simply and kindly a tender affection the Lord has for us. Since you are so visceral, such an object would mean much to you-I hope you are able to choose something that means much to you and allow yourself to see the little part of you in the object of affection. This is how Christ really cares for us; let me know if you come across such a lovely reminder! My prayers for you continue, my belief in you remains ever so high, and the future for you is quite bright as you stay on this path of light and life through Christ our Lord. May you have a warm and restful evening, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, i wanted to share update that the holistic nurse did speak to the acupunturist that works at a hospital she still works weekends, and this woman does do the dragon therapy ,familiar with emotional releases, so I was encouraged by rn /holistic nurse .. I am going to contact her and speak with her and see if I need wait until i stronger or if okay to go ahead make appt. The nurse also answered my email by question what to do with what seems to be the exact course of how pneumonia began, the symptoms began as soon as i stopped last day of antibiotic,so she did encourgage me to be seen by the dr that treated me, for not to wait until lung infection in full force return, to be checked and jump on this. so i am going see next few days how all is. and I will keep you informed of dragon therapy.
            I do hope you are feeling better, you will be in my thoughts and prayer. Enjoy the sparkle of Christmas beginning show itself, Christ Bday, i do not mind it is before Thanksgiving, it is just close enough now that I beginning look at and enjoy in my heart for His celebration is ongoing.
            With Love
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I am wondering how you are feeling…how is the pneumonia, your gut issues, the mold and allergic reactions? I am also wondering if you decided to wait on the PTSD treatment intensive or if you still needed me to write a letter of scholarship recommendation? I’m catching up on your notes and wanted to see if I needed to pursue this for you. Just let me know…all my love, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I had second accupuncture treatment. She highly recommended 4. Treatments in four weeks as wants to get me to a healthier place and concerned if I soread out I will loose the place previous treatment built me to. Sje also stated she dpes not think all at once I would be able cope …it would be toouch..
            Too overwhelming for me . I drive home in teats honestly. Apparently nothing new how all ate tling me take the tome I have to be good to myself and not beat up or judge self …to gove myself a break about where I want cone out other side and where I am. I honestly and literally cried all way home and I canbe honest with you as I know and bieve you ate the one other than Jesus that so acvepts understands and knows me with such loving care interest of my highest good. …well I had sad nite and honestly wanted hit utility pole wirh car . I kept praying Gid not let me do such a thing.I know I would mot as thete is no guatantee that would even end my life and certainly fir our Lord first I would not be able do. Maybe part of the cleansing from accupuncture as she treating liver stomach and dpleen as liver hit stomach hard..
            When I adked her what she thought stomach issue or looked like inside and she said she told ne eastern medicine what happening and not western medocine to need see if ulcers or tumers just by her saying it not necessary unless I want go western dr and have yests and take meficone…she wants me to trust her and let go of trying look for answers afyer she has told me answer. Liver hit stomach hard and spleeen
            So I just needed someone to undrrstand and I know it is you.. I will give the four visits a yry with acupuncture. And keep followong rn holistoc nurse see where I am in one month.
            With caring love
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I keep crying this morning. I put money into this treatment with stomach and blood issue, and there is another resource that i have confidence as treats the core issue, although not local and that was why i put off telephone consulatation, yet the newsletter and the education by this Dr, Dr John Douillard, Lifespa.com tells me that the local nurse is good for treating me, yet what i have invested with money in her plan of action with hydrocloric acid and digestive enzymes is treating the symptom . Dr John treats casue and this link i share is why I such a mess. I invested money in one path for symptoms . and I so saddened that i need put out more money to maybe consult further to treat cause. It is a wave of mess. I know the nurse is good and has gotten me on the course of immediate action, and I will get to core issue from there, as she has directed me to a remedy to cleanse liver so she was too on the same knowledge and much on the emotional understanding of my journey of greiving and recommendation of dragon therapy acupuncture. I realize I asked for what I was to know this morning and this newsletter was the answer to my own prayers that God so provided this answer that of treating core issue of digestion, mine i beliveing is that none of this is remedy to work because of number two, bile flow issue. Dr John had email correspondenc with me maybe 4 years back and thought this case,and i did not have the consultation as thought on the healing path and at times thought better physically.
            http://lifespa.com/reset-digestive-fire/

            I cannot pick myself up easily today with my energy so low physically by whatever not working properly in my system, and in addition feeling like a circle of opinions that all have price tag ,I simply want to be well and not spending unnessary dollars along way that i really do not have for these processes that for symptoms. it is the same emotionally, I have done the Reiki for years, this and the thats, and am grateful being directed to the dragon therapy acupuncture which will maybe help all causes at the core of for one visit. I still need find energy and focus to fill out Onsite application ,and contact Caitlin.
            I am sorry to bring all this sadness to your attention today. I will be keeping you posted on all fronts of what happening. I am overwhelmed i suppose and praying in despair for miracles to present themselves. Another contracter i had been promised quote , he does not answer his phone for one month now,and all seems difficult for me at this moemnt. I know this too shall pass. I absolutely love reading Hebrews from your last blog, I wish I knew more of the BIble characters Hebrews speaks of, and I will learn over time.

            Thank you for listening and I will be keeping you aware of what is happening.

            With Love,

            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            My mom has been in surgery this week which is why I haven’t been able to get back to you sooner. As soon as I am at my office, I will read through your notes and reply. Hand in there, I know you are terribly exhausted. Just lay down and rest. Christ is our great physician and perhaps there is someone He has planned for you to meet on this maze of healthcare issues. I don’t know but you need only to think of getting through each moment and nothing more. Breathe, simplify, and rest. I will get back to you shortly. Colleen

          • Sand

            Colleen, Thank you so very much for connecting and at a challenging time for you and yoru family. I am going to say a prayer when settled today for your mom, and extended for you and yoru family too.
            you are such an Angel today ,this simple note of friendship and simple hope that perhaps there is someone He has planned for me to meet on this maze of healthcare issues, honestly and truely after reading your blog this weekend I was thinking the same thing.
            Yes I will take all this with me today, Breathe ,simplify,and rest. I will share later a wooden plague with painted “Simplify” I beieve by Thoreau that I will evenutally hang on a wall when house restored.
            I feel like only resting,yes i am teribly exhausted this very moment as i imagine you are too on your end. I need push through to pick up groceries and remainder week I intend nourish lay down with rest as Jesus is here, and “our great physician”
            Much Love extended to and for you Colleen and yours , in His care I know all will be exactly what He intends for each of us today. Many Blessings for your mom surgery and her beginning recovery afterwards in ease with His loving care and peace and His loving care through those family that are there for her too.
            Love Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I said prayer for your mom you your family your father.I wanted let you know I had a positive vision of God hearimg all yoir prayers and very much surrounding you and your mom and family. I sensed many prayers were being heard for the presence of our Lord I sensed powerful connection surrounding all of you at hospital.
            I wanted let you know I did speak to the acupuncturist that the rn holistic nurse recommended for me. This acupuncturust also an Rn.she is pediatric nurse. Now having her acupuncture specializing in trauma. I thought she was goid fit after speaking with her she even sounded gentle approach saying first visit 2hrs and she will be very gentle. I have appt this thursday. She aware of what I shared and when I mentioned pnemonia she too automatically mentioned the connection to loss. I asked her if ok to come in or wsit until physically stronger and she said it is good for all going on right now and will help.
            Hoping you will be able rest this nite with knowing your mom is in recovery comfirtably beginning heal.
            Best regards
            With love and care
            Sandlee

          • Sand,
            I am finally able to get to my notes…thank you for your continued prayers for my family….mom’s healing and further surgeries I may be facing. I know you are well acquainted with pain and life’s unexpected challenges; I’m confident the Lord is leading you in His way even though it can be so difficult to follow. I pray you are finding peace and hope in your circumstances…with the home and molds and all you are facing. I have yet to read the rest of your notes but am going to now. Many, many blessings for a peaceful, restful night. All my love and care, Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen. I am hopeful that your mom surgery and recovering are moving along well .
            Iwanted too update God has led me through the first new door opening toward help with my health and for the support of my future days. I went to acupuncturist who I mentioned was recommended. She was an rn of pediatrics and now acupuncturist…I learned so much…..I have what called a creation of a “perffect storm”when all come togetjer like storm systems that potentially create excess and destruction. I have a struggle of excess and deficiency. Essentially as you are aware my liver is anger and needing release…in effect of this storm of all the happenings all organ sets are effected…..and liver not flowing like water and so hittimg digestion and spleen hatd. I have list foods avpid and add and ear “seeds” on for seven days on one ear that are like little acupuncture pricks/seeds that on adhesive around one ear thst I contimue press for release….the ear has liver point so more tender that point….so intetestong. I retirn tuesfay. It is not exactly what in my budget but far better on dr appt and tests and medication if pnemonia were coming back. Sonce my trratment today I have mot had cough.and acupuncturist recommended I pick up doterra essential oil called “on guatd” it smells like clove and keep a diffuser in bedroom. ..she claims not only for spleen digestive but an anti bacterial amti mold anti virus and she knows someone with mold allergy in her house amd this helped. There is muchmuchore detail but ultimately this is where God led me to bring back energy and wellness etc. I from one treatment feel life in me again. I still am tired but I have sense of vitality and lightness she said she woshed took before amd after pics…also she gave me information on two free programs for woman…one is yoga for trauma and orher sound thrrapy with aromatherapy for trauma. Both free and I have been praying on this opportunity to help me heal and build back wellmess and connect in harmonious relations and I will need drive the hour but very happy I will participate . I had goosebumps as it was answering my prayers and I sensed God delivering with integrity program for me. This will be able add to building health and I know the acupuncture going be what I so meeded and God provided this door tonopen for me.
            I will continue say prayer for you your mom and yoir family.
            I look forward connecting.and I will share more .
            Hoping you are able rest and your mom home soon too.
            With Love and care
            Sandlee

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, there is something I want to share with you, this was emailed to me from the gentle caring resource of Lifespa.com. It i learned jsut days before the acupuncturist and I melted in doing this self massage, it is so very calming like nothing else i experienced really, even better than a massage done by another. I then learned yesterday the reason i absolutelly wanted fall over in a calm wave of relaxation when massaging my ears the way this massage shows , it is liver points on ear. So interestring always, I always want to offer what i find working for me and truly calm wave in expereince. If not able to open link see abhyanga massage by lifespa.
            Many Blessings to you , your mother and father, and family today and this weekend ,may all be doing well.
            WIth Love and care

            Sandlee

            http://lifespa.com/ayurvedic-daily-home-oil-massage-abhyanga/

          • Sand,
            The first thing that came to mind every time I read this note was that you needed to rest…to set aside all efforts for finding a place and to rest. God will bring to you what He knows you need….the journey ought not be this hard. So let go of all you have pursued….not in letting go of involvement but in the pursuit of finding the “right fit” right now. Rest, sleep, breathe, do what has worked, sit outside if possible, and wait upon the Lord who promises to lift you upon eagles wings and be your refuge and strength. Scripture never says our trust and faith in Christ is a burden…it is a relief, a refuge, a place of rest. So take it upon yourself to rest….to rest and wait. Who knows what He has planned, who He is cultivating in character for you as you eventually may go to a place for healing. All I need to say today is rest. Let the Lord bring His will to you; since He made you, He knows how to do that. Let’s trust Him together as you wait on Him. Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I am listening to a beautiful sermon this morning, how Jesus wept, yes and how He wants us to TRUST Him, no matter what that He is stronger ,more powerful than all. With my journey I connected in my gut with what weeping truly is. and a connection to Jesus for He too wept.
          I do not know much of Lazarus, I will read some more of him. The sermon mentioned his distrust and how he was led to believe?
          He spoke about the Church being where Saints are made, talking about St Francis,and what a Saint is or how a Saint becomes a Saint.
          then he had a story about someone asking Pastor why do you always take money? He spoke about having a child and child having cost in ways of clothing, food, hospital, whatever was needed, and misc such as toys, etc, and then began drive and needed a car and then college and then he died and did not cost anything anymore after the funeral cost. and he said what do you think I would prefer, take back the cost. He said the Church is the most vital in the world,and to keep the Church alive he will do whatever that cost to keep it alive. I thought that is a good example for those who do not understand costs it takes to keep Church alive.
          I thought to share.
          Have a good day today
          WIth Love and Peace
          Sandlee

          • Sand,
            You have no idea how comforting your words are to me today! I have had a bit of a setback in healing with my back; and some new developments are happening with my son. In both cases, God is calling me to trust Him totally, without reservation, to jump into the deep unknown and allow Christ to catch me just as He promises to do. When I read your words “yes, and how He wants us to TRUST Him, no matter what that He is stronger, more powerful that all”…I began to cry. You have touched my heart with these words…actually, God spoke to me through your words and I cannot express how valuable is such a gift to my life today. Thank you for hearing the Holy Spirit, for being moved to write something so simple yet utterly profound. I am most grateful for you and what you have shared with me today. Thank you and may our Lord be near to you today and in the days ahead. I am so thankful for this sweet friendship we have. You are a gift, Sand, God is going to continually show you how much He treasures and loves you as you love and treasure others. Colleen

          • Sand

            Hello Colleen, I am amazed of God work always and so touched that what you describe so exactly
            ” write something so simple yet utterly profound” as I even thought gosh is this too simple to write,yet I was drawn to share with you today just this for our connection and with Jesus Christ and our Church in heart.Ultimately although I hesitated its simplicity at first, it is your welcoming my thoughts and no matter what I thought it was okay,that I just knew. I wanted to share what I had heard to connect with you today. I am so sorry to hear about your neck and some other challenges that may be weighing on your heart and soul today, yet I am really happy that I could have been guided to share what has been so helpful to you today. There are so many days and moments that you have shined so brightly through the love of Jesus that to be able to know that He delivered through me what you needed today brings me a satisfied comfort that He is working always through all of us and for us. I too treasure our connection,and I am so glad I followed through with my sharing today what was yes simple yet so much meaning, that it made a difference in your moment of this day.
            I will hold you in prayer this afternoon for your health and Jon too and your family.
            Many Blessings wished for you and yours,
            With Love and Peace
            Sandlee

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, this is going to look like a lot of information, i do not wish to overwhelm you today, if when you are in the office and scroll down to where it says “letter of support or support letters” that is the description I was speaking of that i have. The address is actually on here too. The contact person i will leave on your voicemail as you have asked and this address. When I call too I need to give you my full name and spelling, I will provide my address, email address and also the contact at Onsite and her email for your choosing which will be the most conventient for your grearest ease with forwarding a support letter, your being so close in our connection with walking with me in my healing and recovery situation for some time now, I am grateful that you will extend this letter of support.
          Thank you so much again for support and encouragement with this possbility.

          With Love Sandlee

          POSSIBILITIES! Inc.

          P.O. Box 150005

          Nashville, TN 37215-0005

          Grant Application Instructions

          The purpose of this program is to provide partial grants to individuals who want to attend a personal growth program. Please read this information carefully before signing the application.

          Detach the Instruction Sheets before mailing the Application Form to POSSIBILITIES!

          Award Values:

          Each year, the Board of Directors reevaluates the Grant Program to make adjustments in the number of grants and the value of each award. Grants, which vary according to each program, are generally awarded at approximately 50% of costs. Some funding may be subject to sponsor’s guidelines. The funding policy is reviewed semi-annually.

          Criteria For Selection

          Finances: Over one half of the criteria for selection is based on financial need and one’s ability to contribute a share of the program costs. The majority of recipients (90%) have ● annual household income less than $30,000 (extenuating circumstances considered) ● request support for personal growth (not professional development).

          Rating Criteria:

          The Board of Directors for POSSIBILITIES! developed the following rating system which represents the Board’s priorities for the current fiscal year. (The corresponding section on the application is shown in parenthesis.)

          1. Financial Assistance statement. (section IIA)

          2. Financial needs as determined by income statements and explanation of special circumstances. (sections IIC and IV)

          3. Applicant’s ability to contribute portion of fees. (section IIB)

          4. Statement of reasons to attend. (section IIIA)

          5. Promise of follow-up in recovery. (section IIID)

          6. Quality of Support Letters. (section IIC)

          Support Letters:

          We require two letters of support from people who are aware of your financial and recovery situations, at least one must be from a counselor. For example: Your doctor, counselors, clergy, program leaders, and others in your community or family who recognize your recovery efforts and financial issues.

          Previous Treatment:

          Individuals who have not previously attended a codependency/ chemical dependency treatment program are given priority in the selection process.

          Program

          Selection:

          Applicants must be processing an application – or in dialogue with the registrar – to the specified recovery program before a grant can be considered. Some indication that the program has an opening for you is important. Reserved funds help no one when a recipient fails to register.

          POSSIBILITIES! cannot monitor or ascribe to all recovery programs throughout the United

          States. Therefore, we first consider grants for those programs approved by the Board of Directors. When requested by a qualified applicant, additional programs will be reviewed for endorsement. Please remember: endorsing a program may delay the committee’s decision.

          The Selection Committee Process

          Grant recipients are chosen by the Board of Directors’ Selection Committee. This committee is comprised of professionals in mental health, continuing recovery treatment, and financial review.

          Qualifying Candidates:

          First time applicants are given priority. Previous recipients, without referrals for revisits, may be considered for additional awards after two years. Funding is not available to employees, board members, or relatives and friends of either POSSIBILITIES! or its endorsed treatment centers. Grants are non-transferable to other persons or programs. POSSIBILITIES! does not reimburse for programs you have already attended.

          Processing Applications:

          The Committee meets quarterly (four times a year) to review applications. Most applicants are notified within six weeks after submitting a completed application. The committee is sensitive to program dates. Non-approved applications may be held for re-examination when new funds become available or an award expires.

          Submitting Your Application

          All of the following information must be received before an application is forwarded to the Selection Committee. Please send a complete package to avoid delays. Mailing address is shown on the last page of the Application Form.

          1. A completed and signed application.

          2. Two letters of support from people who know your financial and recovery situation(s).

          3. Copies of your most recent pay stub, a recent tax return, W2 or 1099 forms, and/or other proof of income and need for yourself (and your spouse, when applicable).

          Grant Recipient Requirements

          By signing the application, all award recipients agree to the following conditions and terms.

          Notification: POSSIBILITIES! will contact both the award recipient and the program registrar immediately by telephone and/or written confirmation.

          Time Frame: Grant must be applied to the specified program within six months or will be retracted and reassigned. Attendance may fall past the six month period, but the commitment to the requested program must be finalized (with required deposit) within six months.

          Circumstances beyond the control of the applicant that delay registration will be considered only if documented in writing to POSSIBILITIES! prior to expiration date.

          Payment: Grants are endorsed to both the recipient and the program site. Checks are mailed directly to the program site and held until registration day. Picture ID may be required to redeem an award. Grants may not be used for deposits. Any fees not covered by the grant are the responsibility of the recipient and must be paid in full before the grant is applied. Grants are not transferable to the recipient as reimbursement for non-refundable deposits or incidental costs.

          Follow Up: After completing the program, each recipient is asked to send a thank you letter to

          POSSIBILITIES! The letters are shared with contributors and may be used, anonymously, in future fundraising campaigns.

          POSSIBILITIES! Inc.

          P.O. Box 150005

          Nashville, TN 37215-0005

  • Sand,

    • Sand

      Colleen, I have received a blank page. I would love hear your thoughts. I already have in process this process. When i see my dr next week i will be asking for her letter to help me . I would love to know what your thougths were?
      Love Sandlee

      • Sand,
        If you get this and can read it, I will resend the message. Otherwise, I may need to put in a ticket so they can fix our connection. Let me know sweet friend. Colleen

        • Sand

          Colleen, this i did receive and i received an earlier thought with what you were learning I not feeling well. just this last one nothing. I am seeking a letter by someone who knows my financial status, i asked the very unhealthy friend,and he replied,”so what is it exactly you want from me”, no way to know if sarcastic, ugly and hurtful as he has not been easy to communicate or accept. oh well, I really am not feeling well, I going to put aside at moment, i need work toward .
          Have a good day, i do hope see your thoughts as I do value your wisdom and care always.
          With Love
          Sandlee

  • Sand,
    Thank you for sending the link…I will look it up to learn what you are talking about. I have used Essential Oils from Young Living for years now. While they are expensive and I use them sparingly, there is so much healing in them. I also use Epsom Salts in my baths which is thoroughly restful and inexpensive when purchased from Wall Mart or Target. There are several message techniques that bring healing as well…it sounds like you have found some points of calm while using the message techniques. What wonderful relief that must be…I hope you are able to continue this healing path. Colleen

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I am happy to read your thoughts and connect, very glad your mom was through surgery with success and recovery. I am sure your mom, you and your family are exhausted of the clinical atmosphere, and a bath with epsom salt would sound divine for you too at this moment.
      I am concerned for your health with what i understand by your thoughts shared that you will need more surgery. I will be keeping you in my prayers that what God intends for you and your health is delivered gently with comfort , and ease with where He guiding.
      I wanted to share a few things as I have an 1 1/2 hour accupuncture appt today, I love Happy that you have shared. Jon has been gifted such a divinely rich love of family in his life, that is a true gift. The way you share what love you have for him and cherish his every existence with the loving care that you shine. Jesus so shines through your every vein and heart and soul. Thank you for sharing this Happy bear. I will let you know as soon as I pick up the ‘one” that I feel so cuddly soft and serene comfort and fulfillment. I have a few ideas but this accunpuncture and healing has taken my thoughts . I had the day I can literally call that I felt “fantastic” saturday after an accupuncture appt that was i think thurs it was. It was a gentle appt for gentle release I was told to “strengthen me ” gradually before the “7 dragons release”. I need to talk to accupuncturist about spreading out the next two appts as I am spending more than i comfortable in debt for my health these days. I know God has a plan and I keep praying for the miracle of abundance and take away this debt accrued. Yes epsom salt and bath sounds so wonderful and affordable. I actually have the big bag of epsom salt from Walmart and keeping it for the day my bathroom is restored and fresh. The mold odor is too much for me with floor water damage in bathrooom and floor not healthy to sit with, so I continue wait where the attorney I have keeps saying he will help me with where Termite company found in violation by state that floor was “undisclosed” and their responsiblitly. Next week I will try touch base with attroney and see if he is ready? if case ready for him help me .
      In meantime I wanted share my lungs are as if what was pneumonia is just sitting there on the edge of coming back and not fully gone. THis morning i had the cough that choking cough of what in there, and I continue feel the weakness, although that is combination of gut, lungs,liver/spleen all system apparently stagnant .that is what accupuncturist working on for me. If by next week i need see dr again I will. The holisitc nurse i saw said if fever comes back cotinue vitamin c instead of the 2x 3 times day currentlly taking with minerals to take if fever one every 1/2 hour instead. It seems that when i exert myself like i washed down porch as It was sanded just before i got pnemonia,and i wanted paint columns and ceiling before winter, so i got out there before our first frost these past few nites delivered, and i had washed down prep for painting when this Thansgiving intention wearher mild enough and if i can gahter the energy. Well when i washed down porch it seemed fever very mild but a fever for my system ,just under 99. I usually 95-96.7 is my norm so when goes over 98 not really normal for me. I can sense it too. So it is as if all just sitting there on fence. As I say if i am needing go back to dr for blood test of wbc I will do so next week to see if that coming back to a normal?
      I believing at moment for accumpunture to be helping as it focuses on the core issues,and if those are treated I believing it will all be cleared. so i have taken this course.
      I have been filling out the Onsite possibilities application with intention to see where God leads me in process. I will be mailing in and I have been told yes it will be reviewed, letters of support will be looked out for by mail or fax, and that if for any reason I am unable or not ready to attend this healing retreat, that it is good for 6 months,and i can always refile with the same letters . I need to see if God works this as intended for me ,and the only way I can know for sure is to follow this process of application,and strenthen self to see if where i am supposed to attend? Only God knows right now what that time will bring, and I am thankful for your support and writing this letter of support to help me in this process.God is so very faithful and good, I know He will place me where it is of His Divine plan for me. Maybe it is a process for me to see and know wholeheartedly those who are so supportive and caring of me and He will be having me go through the process of application simply to see that what is so supportive and caring,and I not be meant in end to have not been His intention for me to attend the retreat but all this to stengthen me as it has been in process of application? intersting really what He will shine upon me.
      I want to share more, I will be letting you know how i am doing before Thanksgiving. I so wish you and your mom and family will be togehter at “home” for Thanksgiving. And I will be saying a special prayer for you and your family.
      With loving care, I am glad we connected. Please keep me informed of any surgery for yourself that will be set .
      May you be warm and comfortable,
      With Loving care
      Sandlee

    • Sand

      Colleen, I wanted to say too Thank you for the kind heart of loving care that you so share with me and I know so many others too, for your kind thoughts of me and loving caring interest with support and encouragement,and wisdom.
      It is so fulfilling and has so much enriched me and my life in healing and i know for ever really I will cherish this friendship and your being the one God sent to show me what is unconditional and so much His work to present our connection .
      Thank You I am most grateful for our connection this Thanksgiving,and how it has taken me closer to Jesus Christ . I wish I can show you a Metropolitan Museaum antique book with very old illustrations/photos of real art in world, one of which is Jesus Christ on cross I keep herre open and want to frame some or find similar art of Jesus , Mary, and Angels for my home. THis particular image is of “Christ on THe Cross” by RUbens, Royal Museum of Fine Arts, If you are able look up ,I think you will resonate with this being before you, so much empathy in this image I sense for Jesus and resonate too.
      I wanted to also mention the doterra, yes expensive, i usually would not consider this higher priced essential oil for 40.00 15 mil. , the accupuncturist had mentioned it was used by someone with mold allergy and mold in house and it helped, that was my decision to say i going to pick up , by time i try match and may not be same combination i imagined maybe can be helpful to me here and will pick up actually today. and get inexpensive diffuser . The oils i usually get are only 10.00, and will use camomiele and lavender and zodka and water as accupunurist did in spritzer and spray on face ,it is so delightful and lingers on face for sleeping./rest. It is easy lesser price for something so pleasureale and restoritive. I know so much when have health issues, and much challenges, to do what can to stay well and finding the less expensive ways are optimum during these times and always really.
      I will connect again soon to let you know how all is working.
      With loving care,
      Sandlee.

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, I was not sure i mentioned that the insurance company did offer the interior damage of roof/flashing leak monies for repair this area in living room, although they did not pay for the actual flashing and exterior chimney fire wall needing be replace due to water damage,and fire flute removal for damaged. I had a contracter and he promised a quote one month or more now ago,and i must have telephoned him up to 35 times over this time,only to recevie his voicemail and messages full, so i finally reached the painter that recommended him and he said he got hold of him and he “forgot” about me,and will attempt gather quote this weeekend. I am uncertain i am going hire him as if he forgot, the norm is you would see the number of missed call on your phone? so i am going to need follow my intuition of what God may be leading me away from this indidual,and for whatever reason a further delay in repair, Only God knows and I must be patient and follow His guidance /direction if I am hearing this correctly. I believe I am as I learn to connect to my intuition and clarity to hear His guidance clearly without a doubt and with easily to notice and understand taht it is His direction and His only. So I wanted to share before I head out. I am exhausted today, just not myself and clumsy sensation , as I need rest this day, I will be out to accupunturist and picking up a few thigns for me while in city of Columbia for my Thanksgiving day and simple things to bring me through weekend in most manageable way .
      With Love, and Peaceful rest wished upon you, may you find a soaking bath, that I wish restores in a moment of queit for your soul.
      Many Blessings,
      With Loving care,
      Sandlee

    • Sand

      Colleen. The acupuncturist workimg this afternoon liver and soorhing emotuin gently as I was pretty anxious and she could see I had some bitterness from wjhen we talked about some of the luver blickage. Which is very suppressed angwr as I have shared and we have talked about. She wanted soothe some of that and she said I was more griubded than first treatme t and we will strengthen me in four visits. Much of the work she said is using tools like emt and journal and as you too have said for me to change my thought about how I havr art block…that I say I need wait until heal block…she said the art will be able help clear blockage…..so not wait for blockage go away. She too said just express in art whatwver thay is with no judgement or rule it has to be a certain hapoy emotion. If it is snger ley oy be and honor and thank that expresdion.we too talked about me hoing hobby lobby and pick up self drying clay if I wanted for grounding and release anger and create what I have been wanting..a little sweet dish for my gemstones/crysyals and she reminded me be good toyself and what biggest lesson about intuition that she saying I answered own questuon that I shared not listwning to what intuintuon told me over weeke d and I ended up anxious and ferlimg resisted path intended making for frustration…
      I will be keeping you posted.I feel better sharing all with you so no worries I better now knowing you there tio be so openand know you hear me and understand thus process I have mafe effort healing.
      Thankyou for listening and caring avout me..
      I do feel worthy from this cate and interest
      Thank you
      With loving care
      Sandlee

      • Sand,
        I am wondering how you are doing…I haven’t heard from you in a while and want you to know I care. Have a good evening. Colleen

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I have missed you like you do not know. I had not written because I did not want to overwhelm you with my thoughts because I did realize you had Mom just recovering from surgery ,some health concerns for you and Jon’s transformation to adulthood.
          My heart has prayed for you and your family,and I am thrilled to have connected. I am sorry that you are having some health issues and working through them as it sounds while taking good care of your mom, I know what the juggling and organizing as much in one trip or experience while on that path whereever it is traveling or doing. I just did it yesterday with Accupuncturist appt ,it 50 minute drive and while there had three errands to do around that experience. Colleen, I will need come back and write more, I wanted to let you know that i did see your notes, and how happy I was to connect with you, and thinking of you too. I have so much more to share, the accupuncturist is really helping. I strongly share as today is first day after this 5 or 7 dragon therapy i had yesterday that i have the energy that have missed for so long now,a drive that wants to eat, that wants to move ,and abiity to do so . Interestingly you had mentioned your eyes? I wanted to share without knowing what is happening with your eyes, but to say that the accupuncturist gave me information for the main set of organs she began working on with me, liver,stomach,spleen, (the other organs include adrenal and other in that set, and the “dampness” she claims in my system not gone yet,and claims that this is the same organs she works with for “dampness” that are organs asscoiated with fibromyalgia—-which Mayo clinic had diagnosed this past summer) i will look again at information packet but i believe it was the spleen that for eyes, as i was having terible episodes of blurred vision, many floaters and straining to see at times, this was all related to this organ set she is treating. The 5 or 7 dragons treatment is for all organs and blood, I am so beyond Grateful for this experience, and will share more later about all this, a soup /tea of Chinese herbs i will be drinking,and how house is, with looking for now another contracter as the one i was going work with disappeared, not answering phone for over one month now, so i need move forward this next week with at least getting repair of what insurance adjuster came out for , leak in ceiling livingroom. it is a tight budget as it did not include the actual area of leak as “normal wear and tear of holes in flashing and roof cap”, so all I will find the heart and have been asking Jesus and the Angels to bring the one contracter that is God will for me, integrity,fair and present with me through completion.
          for this weekend will probably finsih painting columns and porch ceiling, tomorrow probably. I have no plans for Christmas, just me here, although I am not getting a tree this year for all money being put out for healthcare and the soups and items with all that for wellness, i am going to be focusing on my house and things i can get accomplished,and my porch i intend have fresh new lighter paint and possibly a pulled back curtain of lights as two front steps come up to enter the covered porch, lights can be pulled back to two of the columns there at front. I hope that you are able to experience some joy at home with Christmas coming, if not I will be praying for you to be home with lights of soft peacful joy present for you and that silence to sit with awhile, that silence ,gentle Jesus with blanket of warmth to surround you.
          I did want to tell you so much more and I will come back . to touch on some of it here, the accupuncturist is workiang with me to create art for my helping release blockage rather than waiting for blockage to clear and then return to art, for my fear anger will show up or that i will be stopped by blockage and become sad that could not complete….so I am going to be working on things that have not been able. and going to attend a “coloring book womans group” at a private book store in a little town 20 minutes from me, i think next saturday it is scheduled, and I remembereed your sharing this thought with me and had not done, and i am going try to pick up some canvas today and get prepared to splash and play and smoothly blend colors and softness of strokes of paint. And if I can remain without gettin goverwhelmed with all i want to do now with energy coming, and not enerough time as need make soups, etc, if can get at least one little something done creative,this will serve me well. I am also looking for clay, not the self drying but the real clay, so have to contact a pottery studio see if can pick up small ball to feel and work with. I seem to be attracted to the Earthly quality of real clay, and hey the Indians did not have kilns, i am sure i can manage with something small even if it cracks later, it was the process I am so interested in with hands molding and playing with the clay.
          I will be holding you in thought and prayer for you ,your Mom and your family this weekend and I will be looking forward to connecting again later today or tomorrow, Thank you for connecting, I had been looking for you and wanted to give you time before i wrote you again. I am happy to connect today.
          With loving care, my best regards for you and your family today
          Love Sandlee

        • Sand

          Colleen, i had to say I do not know how you do all you do, I have such a pickle taking care of just me, trying to take care of myself has been such a great challenge for me, making headway with all and EFT and accupuncture, self massage,etc, all this takes time and effort the same ,making soups,food that i can digest with this and that before i eat to help digest and absorb nutrients,and this and that for stregthening and building energy through me and to organs. With your health and taking care of your mom and Jon too, I embrace you in these every moments with a hug.
          Many Blessings for a sweet and special day,
          With loving care
          Sandlee

        • Sand

          Hello Colleen, I know that you will have appreciation for this verse from my calendar December 5th, today, “Just a Moment with You God”, Kay Arthur,
          it reads as follows:
          “Rest in God’s Presence, Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8”
          “Rest, dear one, in His presence, in His promises. God, and God alone, holds your life and well-being in His loving and kind hands.”.
          with refection in reading, we have many similarities and a pureness I beleive in heart and I believing today that you too Colleen will resonate with His word of this particular verse. For me such a grand reminder and I understand its meaning. Accupuncturist interestingly had described I waliking on fire as this time or season has been such intense healing and transformation and I too need this reminder to not fear when “the heat comes” of this heat i walk similar in that you have always said someday it will be Spring within me so it applies to us all this verse,and to our universe,…….and today I do hope you find moments of rest,even if 5 minutes with rays of sunshine on your face and knowing the warming of health and self in just those simple moments of sun’s /God’s sunshine.
          With loving care,
          Sandlee

    • Sand

      Colleen. One other thought was I think hardest for me to hear about me was with all the challenges triggwring the part of me I do not want be is victim and we did emt to release before actual accupumcture treatment tiday…as she explained how my bitterness was connected to victim and triggers that fuel into this that I then in turn the victim feels justfied in being angry for being hurt and the justifucatuin in anger bevome victimizer taking anger out on things or even others that normally would not feel so angry about. And “it is not my fault”is all connected.
      Also not listening to intuition now that aware I even saw this weekend when I fid not lisyen to self and ultimately where guided by God suddenly things were not going smoothly for me..really alot information. I wanted share because the victim thing I think is what so deep and upset me in dealing with it…when did emt excercise with this victim release in her office I did begin cinnect not disassiate after began beyond not wanting continue and it did calm me at that time..I wanted shate.I think I will be sleeping well so tired
      My best regards for you and your family
      Goodnite
      Sandlee

    • Sand

      Hello Colleen, Happy Thanksgiving and holiday weekend preparing for Christ Birthday. I was thinking of you and wanted to let you know. I read your Thanksgiving blog, and yes the one baton that is unseen. I know that you have so many life changes occuring, your daughter having married and settling into her home away from home ,for the beginnings of her married life and family to come, and Jon’s changes that you have mentioned, yet simulataneously life continues and the surgery you have endured and these changes of your physical self, I wanted to acknowlede this today full understanding and embrace of you out there, and for you and through Jesus Christ that like the sermon I heard this morning, Jesus come through my heart, come through my thoughts and mind, and the gratitude of all the supportive means, and those we cannot see that are batons of change and reliance through its time, and those unseen that are of our Lord and His word.
      Many Blessings, if this is not making much sense, i have been expereincing low grade temperature and feeling a little feverishly blurry.
      May the unseen wrap you in the Blanket of Love and Light today and this weekend for rest and for you your mom and family same wishes of calm and restful moments in this season of His love.
      Love Sandlee
      I have not yet settled on jsut the one “happy”, so much looking for what there as right and true. Like the “Velveteen Rabbit”, real to me. lol.
      and I may fill out application to foster dogs from the dog rescue that has dogs of those in military deploying and have foster parent and the foster parent may need go out of town,then i secondary foster care, the expensises all paid no matter if i foster this secondary foster or go for foster until adopted.this “dogstarrescue” . it was on tv, i am thinking secondary fosteering for now. and i go this week hopefully to magnolia farm to be around English setters like my previous dog,where i will be around their training to point. Best regards, thinking of you
      with loving care,
      Sandlee

      • Sand,
        You have been on my mind every day this past week. I’ve been staying at the PT rehab center with my mom, getting tests done for my neck and eye complications, having Jon with me…it’s been full time for a while but you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. I am wondering what you are planning for the holiday season…where you are with all the home issues, health issues, and life itself. Its wonderful to have history with you, to reflect and see how much you have grown even though you don’t see it. You have become more vulnerable, more full of hope in Christ, truth and rested in His care. Life has not been simple by any stretch of the imagination, but you have weathered it so well. Just wanted you to know you are continually in my thoughts and prayers. All my love, Colleen