Since I started walking with Jesus

Since I started walking with Jesus, I’ve learned that even in the midst of earthly ruin and personal loss, He extends the treasure of His presence and guidance.

  • So

    Hello Colleen, I love your quotes! I bask in his presence these days and sometimes my head tight and so want to be clear to hear his gentle voice of loving guidance.
    How through the deepest hurt is it we dig deep and trust to hear his voice and presence and guidance led by his very hand. To believe,the littlest sign of faith sometimes is sought after. I read Joseph character story today because I am struggling with yet another let down with attorney that I met with and he did not take case. I was uplifted for a moment as he almost took it,then did not for he said “complicated” case.lol right. Life is complicated. imagine what it is like to live in my shoes I say, in a house I am allergic and essential toxic and without common furnishing, not to complain, I have made it pretty hard but well skirting some health issues still by taking focus on what matters, Jesus and all that will eventually be made right.
    I have something I am struggling with Colleen and of all individuals I know I wanted to share and seek your insight. Over time you have known me very well. I have a family issue where I have been excluded, really shunned for speaking the truth consistently, and as my parents aged my youngest brother and oldest sister became the changing forces of evil that choose to exclude me. My sister found evil to cope with her issues that are in severe denial, and she used me as the scapegoat when I was the victim of what the real issue was that I spoke truth of. Long story short my parents have not had my back nor supported me. I was told not to come up for a Christmas because my sister and her children that she pulled into the drama were now angry with me, this was the reaction to my spoken truth firmly and what I needed . then the weddings of this sister children I was invited, and then my youngest brother and sister not inviting me to my father 80 bday, I went up one other time I think 5 years ago now and was not received well. nobody sought me out for my bday, all reversing the issue onto me as scapegoat and in an evil manner. So I say all this to refresh you in that now my dad is sick and in hospital, I have no details, although my brother I do speak with said he very sick, and my mother called and left a voicemail that she would pay for my travel arrangement if I wanted to come up. There is uncertainty what status is of his health and if he will make it through this issue. It has been weighing on me because my first reaction was I have anticipated this very day when I new after all treating me so badly,that they would suddenly come to me for something at their convenience and not to acknowledge “how I feel”. Here it is before me. I grieved as you know my family that was unloving, and without support of me and do not have those attachments anymore. I know my dr would say I need to do what is comfortable for me. I cannot seem to bring myself to contact my mother or father.I thought maybe if I tell my one brother who I speak with if my dad is passing and asks for me I can talk with him on phone or arrange visit that is private and I do not need stay there but for final goodbye if this is case. or speak on phone and go at end of a burial. These are issues I have though of for the years now and knew would come. I will not choose to do anything but what God wants of me but the answer not yet available, unless it is in the character of Joseph story? I will continue to pray on this. Is it forgiveness for me to stand up once again as bigger person? I had anticipated this moment and told myself I would not compromise my being by entering a hateful evil setting by choice, when that setting is warped, crazy making and abusive and re traumatizing for me. I have not the answer heard yet from God. Is he using me as reshaping others? in this process. I asked this morning if he is to show me what it is he has chosen for me to do here.
    In meantime I the next few weeks are pressing for me , I will need gather all house legal doucments and I will be going to meet with a judge or two from my city to see their support of possibility of providing me with a court appointed attorney otherwise I am prepared to file if no attorney representation found from this long search, I will bring claim to court and represent myself. I am not going to let go of my right with the statrute of limitation in April. Also I will be alternately writing a letter to fema for appeal for the roof leak that worsened during Matthew hurricane. the deadline was December but I can appeal and if they believe good reason I can gain help.
    I know I not in my usual space spiritually today, I know that your insight will refresh me. I will continue to pray on all of these issues. and keep my focus on our Lord is key.
    Thank you for being out there Colleen.
    WIth Love Sand

    • Sand,
      I needed some time to think through all you wrote here as it’s quite deep and significant. The family history is one of the hardest for anyone who has endured abuse to work through. Especially, when it comes to end of life issues, there is this this tense pull between not wanting any regrets and also maintaining self respect and wise boundaries so you are not thrown into a downward spiral.
      As you wrote, it seems the family system is very, very unwilling to examine their hurtful, abuse ways and therefore, will probably not be receptive. If they are, it may cause more hurt than help.
      However, I’m torn because we all have a need for closure. As it is now, I still hear a longing for relationship which makes perfect sense. We were created to be in relationship and when other’s are so unhealthy they can simply write off a loved one, there is so much confusion and incongruence. YOU have handled all the stuff in an amazing way…I’m incredibly amazed.
      My suggestions are as follows:
      1) Sometimes to have closure, we need to write a letter to the one(s) who have hurt us for our own mental health. The letter is not to be sent but is to express our thoughts/feelings/emotions/wishes/and lost dreams…much, much work when there is this much sorrow and grief. But, the work is worth it because you create a closure for yourself which is much needed.
      2) You could attempt an initial connection, see how that goes, then take the next step.
      3) Make the choice to do nothing. You have heard about your dad but who knows if that is really the truth…how serious it is, if he is really that ill…so on.
      I think, if you have your therapist’s support, it would be wise to start with a letter you don’t plan to send. Just write out any and all things that come to mind. I only suggest that…see how it settles in your gut.
      About the house….oh my gosh, the house. Can it be any more frustrating? I’m so sorry. I did some research on “lemon laws” for houses like they have with cars. When I searched government sites, I found this which looked pretty good: http://realestate.findlaw.com/buying-a-home/home-defects-discovered-after-the-sale.html. Since I don’t know the legal representatives you have worked with, this may be helpful. I highly suggest you write the previous owners, tell them what has happened, tell them you plan to pursue legal action if they don’t follow up within _____ number of days. You may have done that al ready, it’s just a suggestion. You may want to pursue obtaining medical documentation that proves this house has made you sick and you have a human right to seek retribution for damages. That is all I can think of right now. Let’s see where this goes.
      Oh Sand, you are so lovely, wonderful, tolerant, resilient, and resourceful…I pray this ends soon. Please let me know how the journey goes. Blessings to you today, my dear friend. Colleen

      • So

        Hello Colleen, you are a dear friend out there as so respectfully you examined so many layers of me so tenderly and carefully so that you could respond in a way that would be most constructive to really us both. I am grateful for your insight. I am going to quietly look over again and if necessary again what you have written . Thank you for taking the delicate time with this issue i have been struggling.
        Yes I actually wrote you because I do not want to go backwards to the spiraling downward. SInce all this I have noticed I was a little more sad when think about the lack of understanding and insight for my choices from my family. At the same time since my bday I had noticed my mom being who historically she is, a change of tone when she left voicemails, she did not say she loved me on voicemail for my bday and she sounded passive aggressively stern. I thought maybe she was having a bad day, as I do not call her back and have spoken with her directly in a few years now, but I imagined by knowing her what she sounded like could reflect. and then I thought I wrote a little note thanking her for the beautiful Christmas card of Jesus birth as she knows I have a new relationship with Jesus Christ in my new life. anyway I sensed it was from what I wrote in the thank you card about how beautiful Mary was in scripture how she wiped Jesus feet with her long hair after washing them. I knew when I was writing it that my mom may resist rather than being able to have that love in her heart to truly understand what amazing love this is from child to son Jesus. This same disgruntled stern unloving voice came through again when she called just last week and left a voicemail about her offer to pay for me to come up if “i wanted” and she did not have gratitude for the twenty dollars I sent to help if she had my dad home and if weather not good or just cannot get out to store for groceries, I sent note with 20.00 so add convenience if keep cash aside and order out for delivery from a little Italian restaurant that they frequently order for delivery. She said in negative way that I did not need to do that, as if I insulted her. My mom is not someone to try figure out, she turns in a mini 1/8 second and it is as if she goes from love to hate that quickly, that is why I never trust her when she talks softly, because she is more known to be very bitter nasty and cold. I realize that she is hurting deeply for some good reason deep down, but that does not help me in the many many many times that I attempted stepping up and into this relation and giving my all, to then to find I did spiral so low and it took me always months to really return from being hurt. So I actually am okay with not calling, at first I did find guilt come over me,and then I realized no way , and remembered it the same scenario that someone may have told her to create this scenario so it would free the other 5 siblings from helping. I am the only one that left the dysfunction. I remembered in my head that my father would kick our dog down the steps into the basement, and this just hurts so much even though I realize it a long time ago. I need maintain a perspective of manipulation in all their actions for reason it is a long time pattern, and it is not that they love me as my brother that I do speak with said to me. I explained to him the actions over past five years that have not supported me or had my back when other siblings began doing what was evil to avoid their very own denial and using me as a scapegoat. So Yes I need be very careful because just that tone of my mom’s voice has had me seeing myself react in insecurity around others this past few weeks since she called, it is positive and I am so grateful that God has shown me why I had acted that way ashamed and less and insecure for so long. My mom never could communicate and she was mean and angry that which she was never able to express or admit. I had come to you in I guess confusion as I never walked this part of end of life with those that have harmed me. And I listen the best I can to Jesus and pray a lot and I pray for my parents and siblings and ask God to protect and shiled each of them and their families and that there be healing and transmutation.I am best to continue as I have unless God clearly sends me a different message.
        Colleen, as I was writing this the attorney I spoke to yesterday that left me a voicemail later yesterday that he was giving me all reasons to not take case ,he called me again. He said that it was for personal reasons that he is uncertain he can take case and it is for he expanded his business practice. He said he may have way to help me, in taking complaint to filing with court for me and strongly suggesting to those we filing suit that they negotiate by phone rather than spend so much money on court and legal costs that will run them thousands of dollars. He also said he may take the mold part of my case to insurance company . He did say he wanted something up front abd that will be all he would take,nothing with settlement but we did not discuss if that was 1000.00 or 1500.00 ? I don’t have luxury of the dollars beyond that.
        I wanted to say Thank you for this search that you have offered. I will take another look ,it does seem that I have pretty mush exhausted all the avenues of seeking legal aide,and this link i recall all being directed back to one system here that in that they want you to not have a 1,000.00 in IRA for retirement, or any assets, it is for the lowest level of poor which is so unfortunate because there are so many that fall through the cracks and find that these “criminals” will continue to do what they have because individuals like me cannot afford large dollars to make right and expose their doing wrongly.I I honestly have thought a lot about when this is all settled ,this house stuff at some point will take a turn and it will no longer be the challenge i have faced and lived with, but when that day comes or sooner i may find myself looking into whether there is a grant to be applied for legal aide of no stipulation of assets in retirement or other that would keep someone with a low income away from ‘free” legal help or on contingency if only was a large enough case to offer percentage after settlements. and not like the pro bono program in my state where there are also no realestate cases accepted with pro bono program. it is the only type case not offered.
        I have one other attorney I meet with Monday and this attorney I have spoken that wants work something out wants to think over still giving him this weekend and then he wants me to call him Tuesday and I am beginning wonder if this will be the answer. after all this wait, will this attorney out of another type “goodwill” program I think called Appleseed? help me.
        Thank you Colleen for the most thoughtful treasured and cherished thoughts you have written of me, THank you for your prayers too.
        I so think about you and Jon often ,and keep you in my daily prayer, always filled with gratitude to God that for your being you and being one most Faithful Christian woman who has first showed me love and loving kindness through your blog and acceptance part of that no matter what, and that I say always that you be protected and Blessed and that you have shown me our Lord’s goodness and only wanted good for me always.
        Enjoy to this amazingly beautiful weather we are having, Spring! delightful encouraging Spring with blossoms and all…..oh I forgot to say I wrote a little book when I was in florida away , all I need is to have another time and space to feel that creative to sit with and be able to organize my thoughts again to flow and finish by editing and typing and I am going to see if can find a way to publish sometime. It is going to be called Sande, living with PTSD , about how much of my life i survived by this story from a little sweet girl perspective needed to escape on a magic carpet ride and it speaks of every dream and imagination that she needed to survive ,my dreams of love and God’s creation of stars lite so brightly and adventures of smelling all the flowers kept her alive
        With Love Sand