How God Changes Us through “The Least of These”

An Interview with David Glover

David Glover’s life and ministry changed when his grandson, Zachariah, was born with hydrocephalus, cerebral palsy, and a myriad of other disorders. David poured his life and love into Zach by caring for his grandson and the needs of their family until Zach passed away unexpectedly at age four.

With refreshing honesty and humility, David reveals how God uses suffering and pain in our lives to humble us, change us, and use us in ways we never imagined.

Watch the Interview

The impact of Zach’s life was so profound that David realized there was a sizeable hole in Christian special-needs ministry. Through the suffering and grief, David says:

God is using people with special needs to refine us by making us become genuine, transparent, and authentic . . . they don’t wear masks but live on the truest level of sincerity, honesty, and purity.

David shares how God can transform our entire lives through “the least of these.” Though David’s grandson never said a word, never took a step, endured fifteen surgeries, was diagnosed with multiple disabilities, and died unexpectedly at age four; suffering, grief, and loss have a profound purpose in our lives.

David founded PURE Ministries and longs to see the local church become more aware of those with special needs and the tremendous blessing that comes when we care for “the least of these” (Matthew 25:45).

Interview Questions

  1. Tell me a little about your life before Zach was born.
  2. How did the Lord draw you nearer to Himself during the four years of Zach’s life?
  3. How did you make it through the day-to-day darkness, pain, grief, and loss?
  4. What were the darker, harder times like?
  5. When you lost Zach, what were some of the feelings you experienced?
  6. What advice do you have to help families get to the other side of pain in a positive way?
  7. Are there any passages of Scripture that you found encouraging and can now be encouraging for us?
  8. How did you move from grief to the ministry you have today?
  9. What did the church do to help your family get through the hard times?
  10. What does PURE stand for, and how can people learn more about that ministry?

Let Me Hear From You

David’s experiences have ranged from extreme darkness to tremendous delight. On any given day, we all fall somewhere in between those extremes.

What you are experiencing right now?

You can leave a comment by clicking here.


Insight for Living Ministries Resources

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335 thoughts on “How God Changes Us through “The Least of These”

  1. Colleen:
    I saw this video on pinterest and thought I would stop and view it. There were so many great things in it. I don’t know how to express it but to say, “It hit the nail on the head.” I’m not familiar with the man you interviewed but he brought out some great things. I appreciated the things he said about siblings of special needs children. I had to think about how God used Isaac’s autism in our other children’s lives to shape them as people and in their callings. Thanks again for this great interview. I’m going to have to check out the C.S. Lewis book.

    • Ruth,
      What a wonderful comment to read today. It is amazing how the Lord puts things in our path at just the right moments! I’m so glad to know David’s message and his words were used to inspire you and perhaps to gain clarity on some things. His words about siblings were fantastic…and we didn’t plan on talking too much about that but as the Lord moved, discussion followed. You are so kind to take your time and share your thoughts with me. I will pass this message along to David…he will be thrilled. Have a great day, Colleen

  2. After watching this video I am full of so many emotions. Been hurt by those in the church and there are times I tell myself it is okay and it doesn’t matter but it does! I am torn between do I say something or do I just move on. Are there key things you can ask the leaders of the church to know if they truly have a heart for this type of ministry in their church? What is the minimal thing a church should be doing? I loved what you said about the building not being “accessible” and yet this church reached out to find ways to help your daughters family to feel a part. It truly doesn’t take much does it? How do you start the conversation? I hold back, honestly afraid of what might come out once i do start to share my heart!

    • Donna,
      I have paused to ponder all you said…and what you chose not to say. I am so very sorry you have been deeply wounded by those you trusted. I am so sorry there was ‘no ear to hear’, or really, no heart to help hold yours as it was breaking. It is so very lonely at times; I pray the Lord begins His healing process by bringing some who know how to comfort right to your side. Donna, your experiences do matter and the pain that was brought about will have a useful purpose if you work through it. It means giving yourself permission to feel the emotions that come from pain; then choosing how to insightfully move forward. I don’t know if that means you speak to those who hurt you or if the Lord will direct you otherwise. It is always easier to speak about others rather than to them; but that accomplishes nothing and is dangerously harmful…if the end result is harmony…the desire to work in harmony together regardless of the differences presented. Your questions about what a church ‘should’ do or offer or say…those who lead are called to answer as they follow God’s direction. I can’t answer with a measurable, three step plan; but I can say all Christians are commanded to reach beyond their comforts and touch those in need. It really does not take much…but it takes our all as well. Nothing can change if only silence remains so it may be wise to ask the Lord what that looks like for you. To go to Him and seek healing, to forgive-to release your desire for another end-and then to express your needs and some ideas the church could follow. The Special Needs page lists many resources and links related to church ministry so there is not a lack of information out there. However, there is a need for change and part of moving forward may mean you are a part of creating change in your church. Hope that makes sense. Quickly, I suggest Joni and Friends ministry, Key Ministry, CM Connect Ministry, Access Ministry with McLean Bible Church, and Orange for resources. I also highly suggest you check out this link to Christianity Today and the article related to Special Needs…Amy Fenton is mentioned and her work is fantastic. Several comments are given…two by women I have interviewed-Shannon Royce and Jolene Philo-both have wonderful ministries. ( ) Donna, thank you for being so honest; I hope these words encourage you to move forward with hope and grace. Let me know what comes about…I’m so hopeful that change is coming in our churches today. Colleen

  3. Have two stone deaf grandkids from recessive gene so no implants can help as no parts. Am always praying for God to allow them to at least hear sound. After tonight made me realize God made them both the way HE wanted. ko

    • Dear Kathryn,
      What a comment! I lost most of my hearing in 2004; some has been repaired but live with increasing tinnitus and all that goes with hearing issues. Through the experiences, there was much grief in the loss but there was also an attunement to the Lord’s spirit I would have never experienced had life’s ‘noise’ remained. One of David’s most profound statements was that while his grandson never said a word or walked and interacted, he changed David’s life in profound ways. Sometimes we believe healing reveals God’s greatest power-and there is much power revealed in His healing touch! However, God works in miraculous ways through those who may never see or hear as He has in you with your grandsons…learning that their lives are exactly as God created and full of purpose. Think of where you are today as a result of having them in your life. I bet you have been changed and refined…finding intimacy with our God through the challenges of your grandsons. They are exactly as He wants them to be; how wonderfully freeing is that! Thanks so much for your comment. Have a wonderful day; I hope to hear more about God’s work in your life through your grandsons. Those stories are incredibly powerful. Blessings today. Colleen

  4. Thank you so much Colleen for inviting Mr. Glover to tell his story. It is a wondrous thing to see God work through a heartbreaking situation when someone choses to embrace what God has directed in their lives. Mr. Glover has obviously done that in his family and God will use it for His glory in helping church folks see a different perspective on families like ours.

    As a parent of a “special guy” it is a hard message to get out when not only are our kids invisible ( at least some of them ) but all of our families seem to be. Therein lies a challenge to us to live out His grace in our lives before others. And grace He gives, grace we don’t earn and grace that will never run out. May we thank the Lord Jesus for all He enables us to do for our families despite the difficulties.

    Thank you also for being out there for our families, there are many moms ( and other family members ) that are grateful for your voice and challenge to the Body on our behalf. God bless you and your family.

    • Margaret,
      You are very welcome…David is one of the most humble, insightful, and tender men I’ve met in the world of disabilities and family care. It is often a lonely path and when others can relate so specifically, there is much comfort. I applaud you for your statements and convictions related to grace. Yes, so many families are left to ‘go it alone’, which is terribly difficult. However, I have also found it is an opportunity for the Lord to refine my character…to fill me with grace instead of irritation. I think of how the Lord always…ALWAYS responded with grace…to the point of death in His words-“Forgive them Father…”. May that be our prayer as well. When we are misunderstood, our children are bullied or harmed, our family is alone, and in every way; my prayer is that we all will follow Christ’s model and speak forgiveness instead of resentment. Just think of what could happen in the church if that were the response we all embraced! Thank you for calling this to mind and for sharing your words of hope. May you have a wonderful day today and I hope to hear from you again. Colleen

  5. This has been such a joy to have listened to for much needed for awareness and for Church and Society to acknowledge how to love so unconditionally not only the comfortable version/idea of humanity. I also have been hurt by those in the Church,and Society, even family ,however for mental , emotional PTSD and other social anxiety issues. I will certainly be looking further for David new Book and Pure Ministries online. I am most grateful for David story and his sharing his profound following. Thank You David and Thank you Donna for sharing David story with viewers .

    • Sa,
      Dear friend, although we have never met, your words drip with pain from circumstances you have endured. May the Lord provide healing to your soul. I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles with anxiety, PTSD, and mental issues. I too have struggles with anxiety and know many others share the experiences…I am so very sorry. In every way, the world can feel so overwhelming, yet the opportunity to run to Christ each time is present; so is His promises for protection and provision. He is with you at all times, your refuge and mighty fortress of strength. The following passages have been comforting in times of fear and worry: Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 23, Psalm 27:3, Psalm 46:2, Haggai 2:5, and I Peter 3:14.Insight for Living also has some resources that have been very helpful to me. I’ve listed them here with the links if you are interested.
      1) “How can I win over Worry” (
      2) “Overcoming Anxiety” (
      Also, there is an interview with Jolene Philo about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Jolene is currently writing a book on this, endured much suffering with her son’s PTSD, and offers such wise direction in the interview. The link to our interview page is: Finally, Sa, you can link to David’s book through Amazon: (Or by using your preferred book site). David’s information is in our show notes if you would like to connect with him further as well.
      May the Lord continue to bring people into your life as you follow Him. I would love to connect again if you have further questions, needs, or just want a place to connect. In Christ as our refuge, Colleen

      • Hello Colleen. You are so kind. I am overwhelmed with such kind hearted comments and comfort. I recently was rejected by a Pastor, he did not know what to do with me and my issues when I wrote an email with interest of his support and guidance. I found your link simply by exploring WMHKPink Link and The Charles Swindoll Ministry and Bible Teachings to try to follow what i could for an answer of where to focus.I continued to read the Bible teachings all day yesterday after viewing your interview with David. I am so very grateful for you Colleen and finding you in this lost process, and all that you have offered to so many individuals and me here on your blog. Thank you for all the wonderful guidance and I will certainly pursue all of these links. It is hugely interesting that i had just mentioned to a mentor last week that I think I need write a book “misunderstood”, and write the awareness as a female with PTSD,my struggle with severe social anxiety and frustration of not feeling understood ,and for that isolating myself more. It is very lonely. I thougth there is so much on Military PTSD which is fantastic and I am grateful for the Research and education that benefits me through the Military. However, it is so further invisible when I cannot say I have PTSD and it not being tied to Military Service, people do not know what to do with me. So I hide.
        I am so happy to connect with you and appreciate your expression of understanding what anxiety disorder feels like and accepting me in such a positive Light and Loving care.
        I am so very Grateful to find this note .It is true the greatest gifts are those totally unexpected and God will provide,even if it has felt like a long road getting there.
        By the way my name is Sandra, I did not spell name out on blog.
        and I did already look to see where PURE has a Church local to me, Georgetown,SC was closest, maybe 2 hours?

        • Sandra,
          PTSD has not been understood until recently. In fact, it was first diagnosed with those in the military but is a huge, pervasive concern not limited to military service but to trauma of all kinds. In I would love for you to connect with Jolene Philo or at least watch the interview as she is so fantastic at understanding and walking folks through the healing process. I am including some links here…I hope they do go through (at the end of this note). It is important to understand what is happening, that we have triggers and also options, and how to use our minds constructively, skills to develop resiliency, how to handle stress, and when the panic is beginning to take over. In addition, understanding the disorder is one part; another is seeking help for healing. I know you have been terribly hurt and I am so, so sorry! Being misunderstood in addition to our deep struggles stings very deeply. I also know from my own past that a wise, Christian counselor who is trained to help PTSD clients, can be of enormous healing. Dallas Seminary has state-by-state listing of recommended therapist; not all are specifically to help PTSD clients but I would look at what is available and make some connection if possible. If not, let me know. I’ve also included that link below. Finally, I have learned through my own experiences of PTSD, struggle, misunderstanding, and isolation that there is one person who totally understands and that is Jesus Christ. He lived misunderstood…by his family, friends, community, and other “believers”; to the point of death on the cross. I have turned to Jesus so often as the comfort He provides is profound. It does not remove the isolation at times; but it fills our souls with care and that is priceless. You are so dear and I hope these resources begin a process of healing for you. I also hope you continue to reach out here; you will find grace upon grace upon grace. Thank you for connecting again. Colleen
          NIMH: Help Guide: Psych Central: Mobile App: Dallas Seminary:

          • Hi Colleen, I looked up Dallas Seminary, I live in SC and nothing registered 100 miles from where i live. I believe there is a Seminary near me here in SC. I will look at this. It is so interesting, I though over past 6 months-1 year that if I did choose a path all over, the Spiritual/Seminary would have been of interest to me. I admired recently a retired Army Chaplain, unfortunately he was who I did want to reach out to however, I reached out to his younger Pastor and that is who rejected me.I would not go back to this Church for help/guidance. I believe the gal from Columbia,SC Mental Health will be a good resource, and I will certainly check all the other resources that you have provided to help me further manage when such challenges exist for me.
            What i need say is also hugely interesting is today a store owner told me I need to check into San Antonio , Texas, and then you share the Dallas Seminary link? makes me curious is a Higher message for me. I certainly would need to plan that out with a counselor to help that large of a transisiton. Taxes are low in SC and if I choose to look at another small home, that is helpful in affordable living for me. It is simply interesting that Texas has come up a few times for me today
            I look foward to connecting with you again. I will look for other video interviews as well that you will offer. And I will look at “developing resislincy” as you stated.
            Thank you so much again, you are very kind

          • Sandra,
            There are several nationally recognized and respected counseling sites. 100 miles is WAY too far so I would check out these: Focus on the Family –, click on “Life Challenges” at the top, and then click on “Consider Counseling” in the right-hand column. Then click on “Christian counselors in your area” and “Counseling Information Page.” You can also call (800) 232-6459. I am a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, their counseling link is; and New Life Ministries (800) 639-5433 is also good. Another Christian organization is “Family Life Today”; though I’ve not been on their page or know if they have a counseling link, they may have resources you would find helpful. You are doing great, Sandra…you obviously desire to be well and that is so admirable! Have a great day. Colleen

      • Hello Colleen, I am uncertain that you received my replies last evening, I am sorry, blog is new to me and I may not have replied correctly.
        Thank you for your support and comfort with such grand Kindness of the Heart. I could not locate the two Insight for Living links….what topic or category are they under?
        Thank you so much again for who you are and what you are doing for others.

      • I am very good tonite with seeing your so understanding and accepting message, and asking how I am doing today. I have truly found the Amazing Grace of God in exploring your video and,etc. I feel so Blessed right now, it is truly Amazing how God works. I have had the most difficult time with where I am termporarily staying, sleeping on a cot and there are late hours of workers in Deer Processing (Deer Season Peak now) below me, I was awakened at 11:30 from jsut falling to sleep and never was able to fall back to sleep as I kept hearing every little noise and feel very on guard when this occurs,and zero rest. I am asking God for Guidance in this area. I look so forward to exploring the links that you have guided me to, I simply am feeling so very Blessed. And honestly I had bad thoughts to hurt myself all day, just with complete dispair of why delay, and placing me in such unusual circumstances today and in life, and how if I sabotaged or why whenever I dream of something with full heart and soul, God has different plan. Well , if this is the Higher plan to connect with you and people like you, so rich in heart and soul,genuine character, along with these links and a new avenue of direction that will take me Home, I am going to stay around awhile! Thank you again for being you and what you offer to me and so many,

        • Sandra,
          After reading your note here, I am concerned for you. When we are so low in spirit, our emotions often take over and decisions are made that could have been different. Here is what I say to those who are on a hard path…sometimes, our emotions are not our friends and we have to use our minds to do the next right thing’. Sleep and being hyper-alert are both PTSD challenges; as is the feeling of despair. I understand fully. I also know there is hope…there is a plan in place for your life that God knows and you may not know at this moment; but He is at work in healing you. Some healing comes when we harness our emotions and discipline our minds to focus on truth. That is done by keeping scripture with us all the time. For me, whatever the emotion may be…fear, doubt, despair, loneliness, and isolation…whatever comes, there is a truth that settles us into place. Example: Fear: Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Doubt: Matthew 21:22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” And John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. And I could go on and on…what I want you to do is to write all the negative or discouraging thoughts, emotions, beliefs, or what have you and seek scripture…go to the truth that will tell you what to believe. I have written scripture and put it all over my home, in my car, on my purse, everywhere…because you are given a solid, unchanging, stable foundation when you rest on truth. There is a site called Bible (and they have a mobile app) which offers much for Bible study. The way to find light and hope is by following the one who is light and hope…Jesus Christ and by resting in His word. I do hope that helps today. You are dear and there is a purpose for your life to hang on to your creator!! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I Do know how I found you out there, my exploring God and not giving up on that route, God has taken me to you and your video with David on Sunday. I read all three replies, I had been concerned maybe that you did not receive,although I see now you did receive my comments. I am most grateful for your support and I will read what you have offered in guidance. Most of all , it is your reaching out to me and all these individuals with a PURE Heart and sharing with me what has benefited yourself as well. I agree about the emotions taking over and not making good decisions, I walk daily to ground myself, sometimes 4 miles to get me grounded. Lately, I continue to feel my decisions are hued with what you have said, unclear choices. I had not been in therapy for some time for the expense since I divorced 3 years ago. I do not work. I recently reached out also for counseling with the grounding through this time and ever so simple task to help me with SOcial anxiety, until I can see my regular dr. , with MIRCI in Columbia. I am feeling I need to leave where I am living geographically although I am told it will not be groudning for me to lift up and leave in this state of mind. The main goal is to remain clear,centered and not make any decisions when in this situation. I often had felt over last three years that i would so much benefit from a program specifically for PTSD, but because most military programs are free, there are not for non military. I kept feeling I could heal myself especially with God, Jesus walking with me, and something called Reiki. However, I learned I am very damaged really, if you really know me more than superficial as I do light a room with a smile and aura I am told. Those that truly know me, know me. So, really it has been a Blessing those programs did not measure up for me in cost becasue I have reached out more to God and found you in the process. It must be all in God’s plan for me. I will look at the references you mentioned, as I mentioned in prior note, I did reach out a few months back to a Pastor I had begun to walk internet Sermons and I thought he would have accepted me, but he did not, and I even telephoned two more times to follow up his lack of response from email. Finally, I wrote I was sorry for writing him in dispair and that I was under the impression by his sermons that he welcomed those seeking his gospil and guidance. I have certainly found that through your website Colleeen, and I cannot say how Grateful I am for finding this avenue of connection. I am sorry you deal with similar circumstance , it is difficult to understand unless you truly know what it means. I am Grateful for your ture understanding and helping me with resources. I will write to let you know how all this works out.
            THANK YOU, I have a Grateful Heart again,

          • Sandra,
            After reading your comments, I would be concerned about choosing to move on top of these other issues. When we need to recover, there are some necessary structures that help the recovery process. It’s important to have one or two wise trusted people who can offer support and help you with safety, self-care, clear thinking, listen without condemnation, and day-to-day responsibilities. It’s also important to keep stress as low as possible and moving is one of the highest causes of stress. It is important to keep a fairly simple routine, to get good rest, eat well, and not add to what you are already dealing with. Unless you are in danger or your living situation is damaging to you, I would stay put…at least for now. As you said, you have a lot of healing that takes time…give yourself that time and you will find as the months pass, life will not seem as ‘heavy’ as it does today. I’m very glad you have Insight for Living as a resource for support. If you go to our main page (, you can check out our topical pages, messages, links, and other material that I know will help you a long. Thanks for staying in touch, keep up the work as it pays off in the end. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Thank you again for the generous effort to care so much to be reaching out to me and the other individuals here. Although saddens a bit, I know this is truth of the matter, to try to stay put, at least locally. I am not in danger where I am staying, it is simply highly noisy with deer processing season and that occuring beneath me all day and nite. I go to a beautiful park where i rest in my car and walk there,eat lunch and come back. At nite I still am feeling on guard ,it seems when I just fall into a sleep, I am awoken by the noise either ending at 12:30am-2am, or just beginning at 715am, so both ends I am honestly not getting rest my system does need. Rest is huge part of my feeling clarity and at “my” optimum wellness mentally and emotionally. I am sad to say, I have one person who I trust here ,although I feel the frustration from this individual which is painful for me, and this individual is not always available for me. I have been receiving complementary Reiki with my not being able to afford the visits I did when married, and I had asked for an appt where I would pay and that was a month ago. This mentor/individual has not scheduled me for his own exhaustion of me and client load at work already. I did just meet another individual, a Zen type store owner who is selling store by Dec and he has been so very kind in understanding the story of my being out of contract of sale on this house I was buying and ending up where I am for a reason that appears to want me to leave this town? This person does not know about the PTSD, or Social anxiety/agoraphobia,etc, however, I feel comfortable,understood and accepted around him and talking with him at his store. We connect on topics of conversation.
            He has been helpful to me with some guidance /clarity of what he thinks re: Seller breach of contract with me and he feels all is moving forward for me even when I feel I do not exist anywhere right now. He is supportive new friend.
            I will look forward to the time passing to feel more rest and relaxation in my own space, even if I do find another vacancy /studio apartment available where quieter BUT LOCAL, I will need to do that. At same time, I am not paying for utilities here and that is a huge savings for me, so as you say if I am not in danger, which I am not in danger here, maybe just stay put and keep resting outside areas until this too shall pass.
            Unfortunately i do not have anyone as close to really truly be by my side to assist in personal things. That is what i have realized in this hardship that I have created a disservice to myself in isolating myself so hugely and because of that is one awareness that is painful although a reason I have began to say I need to reach out for help, that i really need to find these resources/connections like with you Colleen that will help guide me to be better at taking care of myself for a BETTER LIFE. and I do want to meet and remarry someone who also understands and accepts me as a WHOLE to share a life in UNITY with God Consciousness, a sense of Peace together under God. I also pray to God every day on walk for some time, that I want to be a Better Person. I think God is answering that prayer as to go through such painful times often does make us better ,and maybe opening me up to those who truly care like you Colleen, and the individuals such as David Glover, and I will find a local community to foster this unconditional caring love so I can feel well enough to return the same to another.
            I will look at again these websites and see what i can develop locally.
            I would like also to remain in touch, I will update you again.
            Thank You Colleen for Caring!

          • Sandra,
            After reading your note, I do have a couple thoughts. It may be good to find something reasonable that offers a better quality of life…meaning, you can rest, quiet, according to your needs. I’m sorry for the disconnects with others; I do know that sometimes, the Lord allows us to be totally alone for a season…He did that with Elijah, David, Moses, Joseph, Paul, and others who were at the center of His divine will but still alone. Sandra, there is purpose in such an experience…God gets us all alone, every single distraction removed, we live on what He supplies for that moment or hour, and if we are willing to surrender it all to Him, there is nothing which keeps us from hearing His voice and obeying His direction. There is time…time which can be used to know Him in a way you have never known Him before. St. John of the Cross writes about this in the book titled “The Dark Night of the Soul”; when on a human level, all appears dead, but on the divine level, the birthing process is in full swing. I encourage you to consider reading the book I just mentioned as well as several of my dad’s books…character studies. Some of the titles are Elijah, Moses, David, Job…you will see in every occasion, and the Lord used the season of isolation for such an incredible purpose. Brennan Manning is also good as well as Henri Nowen, Joan Chittister, and the like. While not as popular, you will find truth resonating in your soul; there is no one size fits all for our relationship with Christ. I do believe he is at work and has allowed this time for you to grow near to Him. In every way, this is the making of you; of us all who find ourselves broken, alone, isolated, and in need of His healing grace. Finally, I’ve seen several alternative medical specialists and have found much comfort in healing oils and remedies. If you want to know more, feel free to ask. Stay connected; great to be walking along side you at this time. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I must say this is by far the Greatest Gifts of understanding the true feelings I am experiencing with the most amazingly correct Guidance that feels like you hit it all at the very core of what is happening with me and the recommendations directly related to my suffering. It is hugely the Silence, and that dead feeling when I want so badly to feel alive. I was sexually abused.As a young girl, I sat in silence on side of my bed from one time I have blocked out ,yet remember all before, leading up to and the during I can only see the lamp and my disconnecting completely. And then all I can remember and feel so strongly is afterward I was sitting Alone in Silence on the side of my bed. I do not remember walking back uupstairs from the living room. I had been left home alone decorating the Christmas tree and so comfortable with my own being and the beauty of my very favorite time and space with beautiful ornaments and lights shining so bright.
            I thought the Silence was some way a trigger, i have become so much better with Silence, it feels like a full 3 years I have sat in Silence ,literally to wait for answer and felt so much more isolated alone, it became worse when I lost my very much companion, my Sweet English Setter. I focused on Being still and I continued to follow even thought suffering to be in on a Friday and Sat. nite solo with divorce, In the now after much mourning of my dog, I felt I wanted to experience more time outdoors. I never liked being confined inside,and my living space has downsized even smaller each time and without my own furntiture now ,and without yard to garden has been crazy making for me. I often need to run out and ride somewhere. I thought I was awakened, this all is such a surprise for me Colleen, that something more is to be squeezed out from me when I feel I have made so many sacrifices in living, nothing fancy, nothing more than what i need.
            I believe Colleen so much in what you have said,now I feel such a connection with you in Divine way,what you have written is so direct to my core self that you have validated so deeply and provide the most amazing resources that I will first check the Library tomorrow for the Dark Night of The Soul, if not I will go ahead and buy.The other books I will read either on your Dad website, or online. There is something I am to hear from God. If I could ask you, what is best way to speak to the Lord and listen? what words to ask are best .
            I had Matthew proverb written down, I thought 25:26? I am sorry I do not have it at hand right now. I thought great way to ask Lord presence when I am alone.
            All of these resources will help me better define what I am to learn from this time.
            Thank You again So Very much.This email has been so very much what I feel I needed. I am grateful, I will let you know how book reading is for me.
            ps I will also look at oils, I am familiar , Rescue Remedy, I usually choose some that I simple love the scent of and cannot stop sniffing. My nose is best actually for calming remedies, I oftten smell perfume that settles me so much also. If you have a recommendation that has been most useful for you when experiencing discomfort in these ways, please do share with me.
            Thank You

          • Sandra,
            Please forgive me…I’m just catching up. Thank you for continuing to send notes and updates. I see there are a couple others so I’ll keep this brief. The natural oils I use come from the “Young Living” organization; and supplements from an organization named “Transformation”. I also have used Melaleuca products. There are many options for non-traditional therapies and I’m not endorsing one from the other; I have found these to be of great quality and they have worked for my needs. I hope that helps. Thank you for your honesty and I continue to pray for you often. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I did borrow book The Dark Night of the SOul from Library. It is a very good book , hugely Real and Raw, a good perspective for me in means of how this process is constructive no matter how painful . It does include book of bible as well, Job,etc.
            I love poetry in book and find delightful glimpses of poetry on every chapter, something I enjoy so much, I would often write poetry myself.
            With lack of rest, I have not had much interest in these things ,simply to find rest has been pure intention right now, survival mode.
            I am interested in essential oil combinations that have been helpful to you in your process with anxiety and maybe will have same effect for me. Right now I use lavender in space as diffuser.I am open to any suggestions from yoru holistic path of treatment.
            Thank you again for your time and interest to help another Soul,

          • Hello Colleen, You are a sweet Lady, that reaches out to so many individuals seeking comfort. I admire your doing all that you do. I only know you from this website however I want you to know that I think of you and when you told me you were not feeling your best, I thought I did not realize how I was so involved with my own stuff that I may have also inidated you with posts. I apologize for that,as when I unravel ,I unravel and get lost in it, something I have become aware that I need to manage better for self and other boundaries. I have been Blessed with the awareness that I am not alone in struggles.The Bible states so clearly of so many, and I am fortunate to be learning that in my life now. I do wish I was raised with solid foundation of these stories as if it were so ingrained in me over lifetime of the 48 years I have lived, what a Pleasure to have had at my core, maybe I would not have unraveled so many times that I have over time. I am simply happy now to know God better,much more deeply connected and in depth that i do today only from living through my recent crisis.
            I hope you are feeling better and again I am most grateful and admire the communication you keep up for those individuals like myself that found this site of support and genuine PURE Loving care of the greatest Blessings of God.
            From your notes, I will look at the book you suggested, I am so happy with the previous recommendation of The Dark Nite of the Soul, what a Great book. I even am considering buying as gift for someone for Christmas. I am delithgted that you did share the essential oils that worked for you, I will be looking into those as well.
            i did want to mention I feel the energy of your Prayers and Blessings I can feel coming to me. I may be moving into a farm rental in very quiet safe location with three horses there I can pet and feed apples and carrots. I will learn to brush as well.ANimals and nature are my element and I feel it is all the Prayers that are bringing me these Blessings.
            I again am Most Grateful.
            I will let you know what I find works for me and how i like book recommendations in process of information that you have shared in these posts.
            Also, I was so excited taht God placed me next to the nicest individual yesterday while I was waiting to have car washed. It was all the books of Bible I have been reading,this indivudal also shared the common interest of enjoying the movies of these Stories, and has an entire colleciton at home. We talked about each movie, story. We compared lives and he has had 5 years of struglle of being alone, and he also has been reading Joseph. I was able to share Jonah, and know about Joseph struggle,and I offered the movies he had not seen that I so much enjoyed in past, Book of Ruth and The Last SUpper. Again this conneciton was exactly what I needed to share. As I know our conneciton is a Pure Blessing from God as well.
            Thank you,

          • Oh Sandra,
            What a fantastic note to read!! I am so, so thrilled for you. The move to a quiet farm sounds wonderful! Nature provides incredible healing when we are open to sitting in the quietness. And truthfully, animals have proven to be healing in many ways! There is much communion available in God’s creation; perhaps this is what He was leading you towards all along. Never feel you are writing too much. That is what this page is about; to come along side others in need and share the hope Christ gives to us continually. We need one another! I hope you have a restful weekend and will continue to pray. You are so dear and the Lord is doing a life-changing work in your heart! It’s an honor to be a part of the process. In His tender grace, Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, You are such a Great Woman to know. Thank you for your kind words, I am glad this to your perspective of following my story sounds like the direction chosen by God for me, as I am retraining my mind to give of myself to receive fully as unstable as it feels to move now twice ,I am focusing on the feeling to receive what is coming to me and literally follow the flow of guidance with this farm rental has presented opportunity to me that I am of need of. I believe you are right Colleen, God has provided. One of my favorite Bible stories as movie is actually Book of Ruth, the devastation, struggle and God always provided in the end beyond what Ruth would have ever imagined.Ruth also needed encouragement to feel confident of herself. With help of Naomi strong wisdom of God, she /they prevailed in good life in end.
            I Love Horses, I have only ridden one trail horse,however, interesting enough over past three-five years I have had interest in being near horses and read alot of PTSD with Veterans and Horse Therapy,and other Therapies with Horses becoming documented .I was told I can feed the horses on this farm apples and carrots and pet them, I am looking mostly forward to this. I was told when I get to know owners, I will proably be okay to brush the Horses and maybe eventually learn to ride. One step at a time, I am Most Grateful for the simplicity of beign able to see them, maybe draw them on paper to reconnect with artwork in quiet there which I have blocked for 20 years now, and to most of all for the Horses to enjoy being near me and recieivng freely me to pet them.
            My greatest element is connecting with Nature. I am glad for what you say is incredible healing on its way and the music to my ears ,the only real vibration I can tolerate is that of natural sounds,so that will be very healing for me to lesten to quietness at farm. I am still a little scared to do all this, but I begin moving there Saturday. I thought to do it gradually.I do not have alot as all belongings in and keeping majority in storage. I will take necessities, and My Bed first,and see how I am there. Lease I am Grateful is Month to Month. When I get back online later next week, I will look up the Essential Oils that you mentioned to bring into this rental to help me feel comfort.
            Thtank you for receiving all my long notes Colleen, You are so kind and generous with your time to me and so many others, I am Grateful for your Blog and your Insight and Ministry Wisdom with Comfort and Grace you Share of yourself.
            If I do not correspond from Sunday until later next week, I am working to get new service connected , I will return soon.
            Thank you again,
            I have found a true dear friend in You Colleen,
            Take good care also,In God I trust, and you have helped me see the Light and Love of Christ during this time and I am Grateful to have been led to you.

          • Sandra,
            What great news! I hope the farm does work out…I don’t know if you saw the movie “The Horse Whisperer” but there is a scene in it where the trainer is teaching the girl who was injured how to overcome her fears, to move slowly and tenderly towards the horse as he guides her, then after time, she does ride again. It’s such an incredible scene. Perhaps you would enjoy seeing it someday. I use one of the scenes when I speak as it is so like Jesus who moves close to us and tenderly brings healing and hope to where fear used to reside. You are on such a good path; it will go up and down so remember feelings just are…they are valuable to observe and examine but not useful when making firm decisions. God’s truth will continue to light your path one step at a time…Ps 119…His word is a lamp to our feet, a light to our path. Wonderful hearing from you! Have a restful Sunday. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am sorry to say it did not work. It is far too isolated for me. It does not help that the house is too easily to break into with old windows, and even if got a security system, I do not feel comfortable out that far alone in what does not feel secure house. There was some illegal interaction,possibly drugs yesterday afternoon that made my decision final,the car with two darker skin individuals came toward me down long dead end at higher speed and then down long driveway into wood area where private proptery, i called 911 immediately seeing they did not belong there, and it took 1 hour for police to arrive,in meantime these individuals left and stared me down and then honked at end of drive and took off 90 miles an hour. They saw me alone there and that made my decision final. I stayed at hotel last nite,and looking today where to stay .
            The previous place I stayed has someone else he is helping with using his apartment over business.
            I will not have computer still,this is hotel connection.
            Thank you,when settled ,will look at Horse Whisperer

          • Sandra, Oh my gosh!!! I pray you are okay. Since it’s been three days, I would love to hear if you are. I would highly suggest you check out some secure facilities…any police or safety responder should have a liist of safe places that take in women who need help or are in danger. I’m including some links here in case you need to find a place and don’t know where to go. This is a national women’s shelter list; this is a Texas organization titled “Star of Hope”; and this final link is a National Christian help and hotline link. You will find resources for many services and support networks It is really important that you do find a safe place, Sandra, and a few wise people who will help you make good decisions during this time of transition. Do let me know if you need further help. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am temporarily on someone computer, I look forward to your notes to help me maintain the Brightness of Faith you so inspire in me with your kindness and I wonder if you truly know how much you are helping others.
            I am staying in friend massage office, with security system and shower here, just need get out early. I can only stay until Friday,so I am eagerly seeking other shelter to keep me safe until I can determine a house or rental to be my home. If I do not find anythng to purchase ,i will need to settle for another lease agreeemnt of 6 month term that only are offered. Unless something I can find that wil be 1 motnh at a time again although SAFE!!! I am drained entirely mentally,and I am so very Grateful for you and your notes. It will be the Greatest of Greatest if I will be able to feel such warmth in a home of comfort and grace of Lord Shining upon me come Christmas. That will delight me without a doubt to know I will have something by then to be my very own cozy space so I can feel a Miracle of Miracle.
            Thank you so much again , I will look at these sites,see if can help me in this area.
            Thank YOU

          • I wanted to say Thank You again Colleen so very much for being out there . U truly are a Shining star so Bright .
            Thank you, I am most Grateful.
            Sandra ps, I meant by what i said in last post re: a cozy cottage little home, meaning it be my very own home that I have been diligently seeking guidance to locate that space most suitable for me and my needs, I surrender ALL to God and I need allow for what path I am being directed to guide me.Like you said in another posting,The Lord being a Lamp at my Feet.I keep that in mind every moment of every day to keep me on the path guided clearly of Almighty God of the Highest Good for me ,everyone.
            Also, I so much hope that these posting remain so when I am settled I can look back and have mindset to gather the essential oils you wrote that are useful for anxiety/depression.
            I do look forward to that. I will check in with another update before weeekend.Goodntie.

          • Sandra,
            Yes, all these posts will remain so you don’t have to worry about that. I understand you are looking for a place to rest your head and your life…a home that is safe and warm. I am praying that for you as well. I know what it is like to be so misplaced and wonder if you will ever find you own spot; you will. God is always faithful; as he has been to me, he will be to you too…count on it. Thanks for your kind words. Have a great afternoon. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I keep thinking of Book of Ruth and I will keep exactly what you have told me in this post close to my heart and mind. I need literally find another place now from friend’s office to something like extended stay maybe or simply find another apartment and see if can work out a 3 month lease instead of the usual 6-12 months. and then where is my question as I have exhausted house buying here and rentals in some of better areas that are safe are out of my budget. That was one of the bigger reasons I wanted to buy something, to keep my costs low with finding a reduced home, mortgage alot less than renting.
            Thank you again so very much for the post.and your speaking from experience that God is Always Faithful and he has been to you ,Thank you kindly for the thoughtful prayers. A Home Sweet Home under Gods Shining Light and Love is coming.

          • Hello Colleen, I stay this last nite at someone office setting with shower. All rentals in safest areas are 700-1200.00. Not in my price range, that is why I had been pursuing the purchase of affordable property/house to keep my mortgage lower than renting prices.
            There is a gal who is housesitting a townhome in safe area where most military are staying. Her boyfriend is deployed and a couple who own this duplex townhome asked her if she wanted to stay there to watch until March when all come home. She has second bedroom with private bathroom/shower. She seems very reluctant as she helped another couple and has become so bitter that they did not appreciate her accomodating them in this space and questioned her small request of monetary request upon their leaving. I feel judged,however, I am looking at it as an opportunity to maybe help her find in me that warmth to soften her soul ,I will mow lawn,and keep all clean. At same time, I certainly have felt like such burden to all as each individual seems taxed to invite me in, like there is a hesitance even though I did all in greatest intention to not be where I am at in this situation. I had every good intention and did everything I was supposed to to buy the house I was looking at. Interesting how God is working my path and existence right now. It is interesting what you find and see in people when in the greatest need, there are many who do not know how to give of themselves and their spaces due to past hurt ,disappointments and fear, which is often received as self centered.
            I am not sure what to make of all this, with feeling I am continously in space where recieiving others baggage and it can feel hurtful as I am out of a home seems bigger, which I guess all are in own perspctives of where they are at and what seems worse for me right now, may be same feeling they are having in their own personal crisis.
            I cried this morning as I called a Womans Shelter for backup, nobody there on Sunday to answer phone.
            The individual who has this office said no need to go to Shelter, I will not have privacy there, and I can come back to office if does not work out with this gal in townhome.

            My intention in one week is to finalize a rental at this point, somewhere cozy and comfortable for my mental and emotiaonal rest. I may need go outside the area currently in, about 45 minutes out where i do all my grocery shopping anyway, it is not where i WANTED to be, however, if less rent, 525.00 and access to more, although too stimulating of city traffic, I may be able to walk more and have the afordable place to get me through the holidays into Spring and SAFE of all most imporant.
            I wanted to touch base, you are such a kind hearted woman, and I am so GRATEFUl. If we do not correspond by Thanksgiving, Many Warm wishes for a most Grateful and warm Thanksgiving.
            Please keep praying same prayer, as when I walk out through stores and see all the warmth of Holiday decorations, I yearn for the same i have mentioned, a warm , cozy, loving home of my own,where I will only want the Brightest of God’s Light and Love to permeate,and surround this home, and radiate out to others in need as well.

          • Sandra,
            Hello friend. One of the joys of my work is to watch the Lord grow people in grace and truth. As I’ve re-read your notes, there is obvious change in you; HE is alive and well. It is so hard to see that in ourselves because when we’re in the ‘thick of things’…when life is so murky it’s hard to think…it’s also hard to see growth. However, from your first note to now, you are clearly leaning on Christ, seeking Him for direction, recognizing you have options (which is where most get stuck…life stinks and they stay in the stink instead of lifting their heads up and finding there are always choices in every situation), weighing the pro’s and con’s, staying within a budget, evaluating your behaviors so as to continue in growth; what a testimony! It may be comforting to know most people feel alienated when they have needs. While most say they are there to help and support, the moment one really does need that, there is often a feeling of distance or rejection. I’m so sorry that you have experienced this. I think of the Lord so often when this happens; here He came to save our lives from eternal death and look what He got in return…the cross. Yet as He hung there, his words “Forgive them for they know not what they do” echo in my mind so often. Forgive, forgive, forgive…depend on Christ and forgive. I don’t think a lot of us wake up with a desire to offend or hurt someone, but it happens and our Savior’s response is one that grows grace and give peace. I’ve learned such a focus has softened me, it has been and continues to be so humbling; softness and humility in soul are two characteristics of people I long to be with so I’m thankful for the experiences. Maybe that will help you through those moments of pain; I hope so. Finally, everyone has their own ‘stuff’. Ask the Lord to show you what is yours to be responsible for; prayer for discernment and wisdom. It’s not our job to take on other’s growth and for those who tend to have tender soul’s, it’s vital to have wise boundaries…in mind and action. The Lord will continue to lead you, Sandra; He has been faithful to this point and I look forward to seeing Him continue His great work in your life. Blessings to you today, Colleen

          • what wonderful notes Colleen. Thank you again. Thank you for kind words of being my friend and for identifying a change that has taken place, somehow I suddently began to feel a softening like you have spoken about, as if it was the most natural occurance to happen the way it has.I did not feel it to be of my doing, it came over me like a waterfall washing the old away and bringing in the new with lots of movement I feel not of my power. It is all planned as you have said. I trust in all you have experienced and know of the Lord. I am Grateful for your becoming a huge part of this transformation, as just as my Dr. was a message from God that he is ever so present,that he sees me and acknowledges that even though I feel so alone,
            He is right there ,as you have said as Lamp at my Feet guiding me. I continue to use that as part of my surrender, and visually imagining the Lamp of God at my feet and surrender all in his Presence to guide me which direction. It still feels a little confusing as to where to go if this town will not offer safe and affordable in house rental or purchase for me. I know I will remain still until the answer is provided.
            Some very interesting things are occuring. I feel an energy as if I am being literally swept to another location through this change of where I am staying with this gal, in a way it feels like God has filled me with his presence within my Being and literally sweeping my physical being along to what is next.I cannot put words on it to define as it feels like I am not alone and the Lord is within me to take me at this point forward as whatever the following will be is all on the exact right pathway now,as if I had turned down wrong path awhile and finally caught up with the speed of God Light to connect exactly on the exact track where swept away in greater speed of flight now.
            I am at this gals rental I mentioned and she travels for her work so I have helped take care of her dog,walking and feeding while she has been gone for day. A dog has replaced horses from farm, itneresting it is all in passing through these stages, she is connected to her dog as I was so very much connected to my own ,my dog Ashare passed two years back.
            The first nite here, she softened and told me she wished I had contacted her earlier, and that she really enjoyed spending the time with me. We have alot in common and yet another synchronicity of God work coming into my life, another new friend and I feel by God work I helped change her bitterness toward other individuals she helped and they did not appreciate, where I have shown there are good people in this world who will be kind to her and honest. She has offered to drive with me to Charleston, that is 1 1/2 from me and more than one individual are telling me Florida , this gal family is in florida and she speaks very highly and misses her hometown.She is here in SC for her boyfriend is stationed in Airforce. Another individual said I would like Florida very much. I will let God decide and provide me with the answer of what is suited best for me, for all.
            Thank you also for the note speaking of forgiveness,forgiveness,forgiveness. This week I had a situation where I could have said something back to what was hurtful and I felt that natural change saying no, that is not going to make anything better for me to speak back in angry factual terms. I wrote down three letters that I did not forward to individual and let it go after acknowledign I was hurt. Sometimes it is difficult to be so aware of others in the way that there heart has been so hurt and block out true kindness of others for fear of whether to trust ,it can feel hurtful or offensive, yet, we all are in this process and I suddenly wanted to be more tender (soft as you say) for the pain this individual must feel internally became more obvious. Honestly, this has all been so fantastic to experience and to feel it is helping me with social anxiety.God is helping me feel safer around people knowing that as long as I surrender all to God and ask for his presence to permeate my existence, it helps me and helps others see that there is good in this world,even if they do not see it for that moment,it will surface later i believe in their hearts that there was something different,more gentle in an approach and increase awareness to ask “what is that”, and explore this what is God. My Dr. even said once that even if someone does not say Thank You, it is what I did that matters, by adding I think she said Love from the Heart to the world.
            I will write again to keep you posted.
            Goodnite for now Colleen,

          • Sandra,
            Your letter took my breath away. Just reading your words…you sound more calm, more rested internally, comforted by God’s presence and directions…I mean seriously, He IS CHANGING you. How cool for Him to provide a dog to care for…I’ve learned in many circles that animals are tremendously healing…they don’t talk back, love us even when we don’t like them, seem to give us presence when we feel alone. And, caring for a dog is healing; anytime we give of ourselves to meet another’s needs, even in the animal kingdom, there is a sense of fullness and joy. Your note says so much and my heart is delighted for you!!! Oh Sandra, keep that lantern lighting your path and keep taking one step at a time. I hope you are writing down these things…well, you are here because God repeatedly tells us through scripture to “remember, remember, remember…Deuteronomy is a book of remembrance…Moses last will and testament to life. He calls the people before they enter the promise land, to remember all the ways God led them for 40 years; to remember His name, to remember His faithfulness, His goodness, His protection, His presence by day and night. Chapter 8 verse 2 is one of my favorites which in essence tells us His reason for the long time through the wilderness; to humble them, to test them, to see if he could trust them. That is exactly what is happening with you…being humbled, tested, learning and changing and growing, so that one day He will trust you with more. But for now, the focus is one day, one step at a time. Keep looking Godward and He will continue to be your everything. How precious you are Sandra. Such a wonderful note! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Thank you for such thoughtful kind words of comfort and knowledge . Through your experience you have helped me greatly see what is happening. I feel today maybe I failed a test. The gal I am staying with temporarily has had expected me to do more than I can give, it seems to be all about her and being less independent. Perhaps I am her to teach her to look deeper at herself for how her judging others that do not do all for her as she expects with high criticism, it feels like walking on eggshells for me.
            I have been putting energy into resting good nite and during day taking care of self with walk and researchign where to stay during Thanksgiving when her family arrives and I need leave and on top of that determine where I am to have my own home. I needed to do those things I could, like offer to wash sheets when leaving before her parents come, put pine straw from a friends yard picked up into the front garden beds here, walk her dog when she is gone. Yesterday she asked if I could take her to other side of town to get her car serviced. It would only take abou tan hour for her to wait for her car and I felt taken advantage of for it was not something like she was broken down on side of road. I honestly felt resentment if I took her. Honestly, I did not have the energy to take care of her when I am doing all to take care of myself right now. If she was stuck on side of roadway, by all means I would have helped. So I told her I just could not , I would not be finsihed with my research and what i needed to get done to determine where going to have this on top of my plate when not essential,but for her convenience of not wanting to waiat an hour. I feel some silence amongst us. I am doing all to speak quietly for now as I know this will pass.
            I even took out garbage and recycling and she did not thank me. There again is a message in all of this.
            I will look up Deuteronomy today. Thank you so very much .
            I look forward to keeping in touch with you. I am sorry I have not written all this down in journal. I have felt so consumed. Perhaps I will save our correspondence to save on flash drive. That will always remind me of you and this journey you have helped me travel, not alone yet with God and with your kind pure heart.
            I am so Grateful.
            Thank you,

          • Hi Colleen, I thought more of my previous note, I had been told by my Dr. when she left taht voicemail that when this gal accepted my staying with her and spoke that I needed to leave by Thanksgiving for her parents are coming, my Dr. said that is good for if she did not tell me that and I stayed, she would resent me. I feel I was setting a boundary and needed to speak forth that I was not able to do what she had asked as I would have not been truthful with myself and overwhelmed therefore resentful later. I remembered this when setting the boundary. It has stimulated my social anxiety. I fear being manipulated and with not doing as she wanted not needed, I feel a Silence in house I am staying. I am pulling out conversation to make small talk. It will pass. There is a lesson to learn from this. It does sadden me a little for feeling judged.
            I will let it go and keep moving forward with what i have at hand. I had a place to reserve for myself on Thanksgiving at beach although the one I had heart set on is already booked. A great price of 55.00/nite was affordable and on sound of water. I will look further today and keep searching to see if a house as well comes up. I will drive around an area 50 minutes from here tomorrow to see if anything comes my way. I did write the letter to the address of the individual in the neighborhood that I am staying where it appears his house was being near forclosure. Assessor office gave me his address only so I wrote to see if his house is reduced and affordable and if maybe rent to buy to help him and me??? I like the neighborhood I am staying in right now with this gal, I feel comfortable and safe and townhomes over my price range although maybe this one will be reduced that I wrote owner.
            I am going to write down Deuteronomy for this morning reading.
            Many Blessings to you and yours Colleen, a Pure Heart you are. And I do not need to save these postings for remembrance of you, you have created a bond with me that has left an everlasting impression on my heart and soul. Honestly, you were the one I was led to by God to feel so fulfilled and embraced with comfort and with grace.
            Thank you

          • Sandra,
            I’m not sure I understand the whole situation correctly. Are you saying she did ask that you leave by Thanksgiving because of her family coming? If she did ask that and you chose to stay, for whatever reason, there would be some distance. She has been open to you staying there but respecting her requests is really important to establishing and maintaining trust. If I have misunderstood this, I am sorry. Before saying more about it, I want to make sure I have the situation correctly understood. You are such a dear soul and your words are so kind. Thank you; what an honor it is to be called to walk along side another as they grow. We all need such companions; I trust the Lord will continue to lead us both. Thanks for the update; I do hope to hear from you soon. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, That is exactly what my Dr. had told me re: trust and establishing and maintaining relationship. I am leaving by Tuesday so her parents will be here. It has been my writing this to compare to situation of where I needed to say no I could not help her with driving across town for she did not want to wait for her car to be serviced. I felt similar in that I needed her to respect my response as it was too much on top of what i needed to do yesterday. I felt she pushed a boundary feeling a little taken advantage of in regard to doing things for her.I feel judged with her beliving that with my not working, that there is an assumption I am not doing anything,wehn I am needing to accept that part of her and realize she has no idea what it takes to seek out a place to go for Thanksgiving and to then continue searching for a home, and keep myself going in process of being bounced around. I leave during day to go on computer and walk to keep me grounded,etc, I feel a full plate actually.
            I am happy to help her where I am able just as she was not able to have me stay for Thanksgiving was the comparison. I did not intend to sound confusing.
            I have agreed to take care of her dog again Sun and Mon nite while she will be working.
            I want to work on accepting others, not taking personal has always been a challenge esp with social anxiety/ptsd.
            I did read Deuteronomy and enjoyed, will read again tonite.
            Thank you for your reply Colleen. I am glad you enjoy my notes as well. I always speak the Truth, good and bad, always the Truth, that is a part of who I am.

          • I wanted to take the time to say Thank you for such kind thoughts and I wanted to apologize for sounding confusing in writing last posts. When my social anxiety stirs up my emotional being can swirl and scatter . I sometimes cannot make sense in speaking. I will say tonite I became aware that I am much older than the gal who I am staying with. I thought she was closer to my age (49 on 12/29), she turned 31 earlier this month. I can better put my experience here in perspective,I can remember where I was at 30 and how I did not pay as much attention to what I may have said or how I placed expections believing I knew in my mind and heart that i had life all figured out, being so much more black and white then. I have learned the most I believe in the last 10 years of my life, continously learning to expect not of others is greatest way to not become disappointed and to accept those for what they can give.
            the most ,( i think the word would be) “impressive” time in my life that I will always remember feels like now, honestly a huge part of that is being a part of your blog and with your pure heart expressed through Ministry and the warmest caring friendship. I have felt so supported and loved. As you have told me how God is faithful. I will not forget.
            I will take this living situation as for what I will learn and I will leave Thanksgiving in a positive way that has helped with where i lack,in social etiquette/social understanding.
            Thank you so much again for being so much with me on this journey, by God and the Lantern/lamp at my feet to guide me,
            Goodnite now

          • Hello Colleen, I do hope you are well today and have a good weekend. I awoke feeling a sadness, this week did not find a home and need to be somewhere on Thanksgiving which I have not found yet either. Someone who has been a mentor and friend with Reiki and Healing, forwarded me an email today that has increased my feeling a spiral of sad and sickness to stomach… was an email forwarded with a transformational shadow program for healing. There arre multiple quotes by a Debbie Ford? and a quote that feels awfully close to home for me on their registration website.

            Miracles are natural, when they do not happen something has gone wrong.” ~ ACIM

            I am not sure what to do with it all, so I surrender it all to God this morning and will move on to what I intended to take care of today, see what I find on my path and then focus later on where to stay on Thanksgiving and keep eyes aware of permanent place for me.
            The sadness brings anger feelings, and I simply want to feel Joyful heart.
            Thank you for being out there,

          • Sandra,
            I am so glad you wrote today. Your feelings of sadness are so normal; society portrays the holidays unrealistically…the table feast with fulfilled, happy families who have no trouble or Christmas piles with beautifully wrapped presents. The holidays can be peaceful but they cannot remove life’s troubles, inner conflicts we must resolve with Christ’s help. Though I don’t know your history, it’s my guess that you have some deep wounds which are exacerbated by your current circumstances and this holiday season. It’s so easy to assume everyone is happy and settled when in fact, very few are because we can’t buy our way to a rested heart. In fact, the month of December has the highest number of recorded suicides. It is so easy for us all to focus on what we are longing for or have missed during this season. However, the season offers so many opportunities if we choose to view life from Christ’s perspective. Never forget, Christ did not have a home on Christmas…no room in the inn, so He gets your circumstances in abundance. Earth was never his home; he lived and died without a place to call home. You are in an incredible position to live as Christ did and tells us to live. Instead of what you don’t have, think of all you can do through the holidays…serve in a soup kitchen, offer a family with disabilities your time…to do their dishes, clean their home, take the siblings Christmas shopping, make cards, visit a retirement home and love on those who have been forgotten, send thank you notes to local pastor’s for their sacrificial shepherding and church work, make cookies for those who serve in a care facility, visit with those in a homeless or abuse shelter, go to the Dollar store and buy a few toys for the children in abuse shelters…LOOK for ways to touch other’s lives. This is exactly how Christ lived so ask Him to direct you with time and availability on your hands. HE WILL PROVIDE! I was reminded of two passages about suffering in this world. First is John 14:1 which says “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me” (NLT). Henry Donald Maurice Spence-Jones wrote in his Pulpit Commentary about the meaning of trouble and trust… “Trouble’…the perplexity arising from distracting cares and conflicting passions. The work of love and sacrifice means trouble that nothing but supernatural aid and Divine strength can touch. The heartache of those who are wakened up to any due sense of the eternal is one that nothing but the hand that moves all things can soothe or remedy. Faith in the absolute goodness of God can alone sustain the mind in these deep places of fear, and under the shadow of death”. John 16:33b tells us “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The same commentary explains this verse as “The most striking and unique note of the true faith is that this sorrow is blended with an inward rapture which transforms it into peace. The blending of fear and love, of law with promise, of righteousness with mercy, of the sense of sin with that of pardon, of a great peace with a crushing tribulation, is one of the most constant tokens, signs, or marks of the mind of Christ. But be of good courage. This is the practical uprising of the soul into the joy of the Lord”. Sandra, as you seek to have the mind of Christ, you will take on a new perspective about life’s circumstances…challenges will be opportunities to depend on Christ for hope and peace and joy, you will become more resilient, grow in new ways, and be prepared by Christ for a purpose you and I can’t know today. Suffering reveals two things: that we are broken and God is at work in refining us into His image. When we truly believe that God created us, loves us without condition, and knows what is best for us, pain has a divine purpose but we must focus thoroughly on Christ and His timeless, unchanging scriptural truths. It is so hard to fight our feelings…to release bitterness, to forgive, to let go; but to live in peace, we must accept trouble by faith…God is at work in you and will use every single thing you are learning today in a profound way…if you chose to follow Him. This is a loaded message; after it sinks in, let me know how you are doing. In God’s love and care, Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am so proud of who you are! This was the perfect note to open up to tonite. I never thought of this as Jesus did not have a home. I found your note of great interest of multiple points of such importance. I need to wholeheartedly have the Faith you have reminded me of so often in that come Tuesday when I need leave that God will be Faithful and Direct me exactly where I will need to be. Yes, I have deep wounds as you mention are being exacerbated and this process is hugely unsettling time for me. I thought today, I wish I could mail you a card, I have mailed a few Thanksgiving Blessings to those who have helped me during this time of struggle and I have one I thought belonged with you. As you know I am filled with Gratitude and honor of knowing you and of your understanding so well and helping me see the pathway to God is happening even if feel like I cannot withstand much more pain and/or any more instability/struggle to settle somewhere I call Home.
            I will find a way to give this holiday. Last year I did serve homeless in community Thanksgiving meal. This year,today I gave 5.00 for a meal from a natural market I shop that they have chosen a meal of dry goods and accumulate from customers giving and give to local shelter of homeless. The information of ideas to share and give are very good and I will read this note a few more times to gather myself in better terms of hearing direction of Christ. I want so very much for my mind to change as you have mentioned Colleen. I want this very much. I feel a little has changed as you noticed last week. If I can multiply that by even 2, I will feel much calmer I believe, and be able to see like you say opportunities in these challenges.
            Thank you,

          • Sandra,
            This note contains plenty of thankful words from your heart. I noticed you have written other comments so I’ll keep this brief and move forward. Keep trusting, hoping, and leaning…our God is faithful. Colleen

          • Colleen, Hello out there today. I was reading Job, sometimes more easily read I was thinking when in hearing your reference of meaning and versus reading,example listening to Charles Swindoll, your father, so I went on WMHK and clicked on broadcast of this Ministry and the emphasis was loosing everything, a home, things that are most meaningful to you,and there it was Job.
            I did not know this is the way God work,so I am feeling in a type of shock and/or numbness today for the work of God is so real at this very moment. And I am a person of integrity as Job was.
            I also wanted to say, I do recognize God in all his doing of creation of all Heaven, and Earth, and all the glory of nature and natural surroundings. I usually meditate daily while walking expressing my grateitude for all God has created .I can only listen further and believe that God is working on my mind most of all and do all in my being to SEE what else he desires of me at this time. I certainly SEE him clearer and clearer each moment of my existence.
            I will continue meditating later on Book of Job. I will search for a movie. As I do really well visually, watching a movie on Book of Job would be wonderful example for me to See.
            Thank you so much again, this is so interesting how you have appeared by God and like the gal Jessica stated on message of HOPE, WMHK has saved hr, I feel the same way and I feel most of all that you Colleen have literally saved me. I still consider suicide thoughts although as God grows within me and in greater Faith I stand, I feel less likely that is the option but to Wait.
            or I will never SEE the Full Truth.
            Have a great Sunday.
            Thank you for your patience and kindness with so many posts I have written.

          • Sandra,
            Oooops, I forgot to add one thought. I cannot agree with the statement on miracles… “when they do not happen something has gone wrong”. That statement assumes we know the mind of God and have the power of God. It is GOD’s decision, GOD’s activity; supernatural, not on the ground of ‘natural’. I’ve prayed for countless miracles…healing for my son, healing in relationships, change of someone or something that is filled with loss and sorrow…but my son continues to have multiple disabilities, broken relationships exist, sorrow continues, and God is good and sovereign. The truth is, the most miraculous work of God is that He takes our broken lives and uses all things to transform us…if we choose to surrender to His will. THEN, He uses us to help others…that is amazing because we are so flawed; it is all HIS work, His way, His time, and His plan. We must focus on a vertical perspective, not horizontal in order to see the miraculous. The sunrise, galaxies kept in perfect positions, the functioning of the ocean and tides, how He provides for animals and nature…can man do those things? Meditate on Job’s passage-chapters 38-40:2-God’s answers to Job’s questions. He doesn’t tell Job WHY it all happened…God never has to explain Himself; but He reveals His supernatural nature which is over all things. Keep surrendering, keep studying these passages I send, keep looking up, and keep listening to God’s voice. Sandra, I am filled with anticipation for you; God is obviously working in you and in that, you are being prepared to do His work. I can’t wait to see the unfolding of His plan. Colleen

          • I will read Job tonite and meditate on this even in morning. Honestly Colleen I would be lost without you. Your blog has been a life saver, literally for me. I said the other day to someone who said they understand I am lost. I replied I do not feel as lost as I do not feel found. And then today I was back to feeling lost again. Your notes have been so supportive and in ways I can help gather myself to know God wnats me to help others and is preparing me to do so. I feel honored and want to Please God. I will reread this post as well to better gather myself.
            Thank you again,

          • Sandra,
            It was Rollo May who said “Human beings are the only creatures who run faster when they have lost their way”…isn’t that interesting. We run from life when fear builds up in our minds; however, I find you are running to Christ. Sandra, there is no other person or place to be than in the center of his will…you have run to that place and for a while, it may feel terribly uncomfortable because its new. You are learning to live in a whole, new way which at first, doesn’t feel cozy. The kind of changes you are making will feel uncomfortable…they were for Job; how lost he must have felt so many times. Stay in God’s word…the Psalms are wonderful as David lost his way many, many times. But God says David was a man after His own heart. So we are all lost for a bit when making changes…your determination and efforts are amazing to me. Read Romans 5: 1-5…I just thought of that passage for you today. God’s perfect work is happening. Praise His holy name. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, You Are Amazing, and Yes, an Amazing Grace to me. God has provided me you and your wisdom and understanding of God’s work and full core knowledge of living with the Lord and the Bible. I am ever so Grateful and this is what I find to be most Gratitude for this Thanksgiving, how you are so miraculous for me and your walking right along side me and The Lord on this path. You have never waivered . There is always something that is so insprining in your notes for me. I get choked up reading as so much what I need is in your writing. I will look up Rollo May,and read more of David. I have read Job and feel connected to this book/story.
            Romans 5 15 I need remember also.
            I am so glad you wrote, I am feeling pretty low today,last nite i did drive out of town, maybe not where I needed to go an hour away and drove from 7pm-12midnight, I could not hear the Lord direction and made many circles and tried to enter multiple churches to just sit and listen and all were locked up, and then sat in car and realized I could not sleep in car, I did register with a Womans Shelter,probably will not hear back with this until after holiday. In meantime, I said I will just ride back the hour to stay in the office with shower and Feel Gratitude that it was available and may not have been as home like as when staying with the gal I just stayed with, and I liked that feeling so much, I think I could not accept going backward to office with shower. When an hour away I drove every inch of city to see if any living rental that I could afford and feel comfortable, too expensive and I do now know of one specific area I would look if wanted to live 50 minutes away from where I have been.
            SO many Blessings I wish for you Colleen, your son, your family , loved ones and close sweet friends that surround you and comfort you too.
            Thank you for being my Friend,

          • Sandra,
            Oh may the Lord show His face to you…
            How I want you to find something for tomorrow…I don’t know what or where, but He does. Are there any hotels or motels nearby that are affordable? I remember one time having one dollar in my pocket and my car was literally out of gas. I sat at the gas station and prayed. Then going in, I said to the attendant, “I have only a dollar, but I need more gas to make it home…what can I do?” The person in the store looked up and offered a $5 dollar bill to the attendant and said to me, “I hope this helps”. And it did. So Sandra, there is hope in the most difficult of places; all we can do is show up and pray for the Lord to protect and guide. You are doing that…and He is near. I thought of the song Amy Grant and Selah have recorded titled “Somewhere down the road”…Somewhere down the road, there are answers to your questions, somewhere down the road…” While we don’t know right now, God does and He is both present and somewhere down your road. Just keep hanging on; His mercies are new every morning, we will praise Him for His faithfulness. You are going to come through with His good hand. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I needed to come back on and say, This is such a wonderful note, I have read it a few times already. I love the Rollow May quote and how you mentioned your belief I was running to CHrist. And this could not be any more true! When I drove 50 miles last nite, I was in search in my heart to go a specific big stone church that I so much just wanted to sit in to quiet my mind in silence and full of God Spirit to hear I have come for his guidance . I know God exists everywhere, and maybe that was the message when all church doors in my search were locked. I can sit and meditate and slow down alot I know, it is the anxiety that you say I am aware also that creates the running from fear.
            You are simplly the Greatest!
            I read David as well and Romans. Romans 5 15 I will be reading again tonite.
            Thank you for all of your insight along with the most comforting caring support that is so much from a genuine kind heart.
            Thank you

          • Sandra,
            I don’t know where tonight finds you but I do know God is with you. I’m so sorry the church doors you tried were closed; all the more reason to find God is with us wherever we are….sometimes that means a car or on the side of a road or in a shelter or … We have to move from our plans fully in order to envelop His plans completely. My car has been a sanctuary on many occasions; as has a hillside, mountain top, valley, back yard, bedroom, bathroom, hotel room, office building…any place where we are putting out whole lives in His hands becomes a sacred place in our lives. There is no limit. I continue to trust in His good and faithful hand; that HE will guide you. Just think of last week compared to this week…who would have guessed you are where you are at this moment? God knew and you have been kept safe. He has kept you from harm. He has kept you from danger. He has provided gas for your car, clothing for your body, air to breathe, food to sustain you, nature to remind you of His faithfulness, a computer somewhere for you to write and connect, a strong mind, a submitted heart, a willing soul…can there be anything more pure than that? Wherever you find yourself tonight, He has provided it and we shall praise His holy name! May He continue to provide for you and sustain you in the valley of the shadow of death…there is no fear of evil for He is with you, guiding you to green pastures. Colleen

          • I Praise the Lord with you Colleen, one of the most meaningufl Thanksgivings I can say I have experienced because of you and your care and grace. I Praise with you, and just before reading this post, I honestly said to myself that I have all I need, yes, I thought a warm meal would taste better than something cooked I pull out of my cooler, yet that much more appreciation ofr those that do not have warm meal on cold day/nite, and how that is a luxury not what I simply need and God has provided all these things of essential need,especially safe place/roof over head,computer as my main way of connecting/communicating. I feel very Blessed.I am at
            massage office w/ shower at leastuntil I can find a month to month rental which I am working 24/7on locating so continue to seek a house to buy , both to be affordable and safe .Interesting you also say His Hands provide ….lately I have prayed and when asking for Only Highest Light and Love of Almighty God , for only him I accpet the lying of his healing hands onmy forehead and with the greatest Light shining within me. His hands are beautiful and so Healing.
            Goodnite Colleen. May you have an Amazing Grace upon you this Thanksgiving.
            I will find some way to give,whether warm liquids/tea to someone homeless, some way to touch/connect with someone in need tomorrow.
            Thank you,

          • Sandra,
            YOU MADE IT! You got through the day with more grace and abundance in your heart…what a testimony to God’s faithfulness. And, to the fact that when we have nothing, we have everything with Jesus. I’m so thankful for your experience; my family continues to pray for your provision and development. Have a great day. Colleen

          • Colleen, this note has made my day again , a smile of joy with knowledge that you and your family are praying for my provision and development, how aweasome is that! I sing in His Glory for the kind heartedness.
            I feel very Blessed by this note.
            I am Grateful.
            And Yes, I have noticed this yesterday most of all, wehn we have nothing, we have Everything with Jesus. That is purest of Joy.Yesterday I got a little trapped in later daytime, I do not have a tv for when I do find a living space. I sold my old big box tv as it was so heavy and someone bought it from me and was able to remvoe it down 3 flights of stairs,that I would have no worrries the young men moving my belongings would have difficulty with how heavy it was way up stairs. So, Walmart had a 98.00 tv on sale, I went there and I was overwhilemed, the busiest time of year to not be able to move around the store. And I did not listen to myself earlier in day to be quiet space was what I longed for at end of day. It is something that is right before me now,and that I am being worked to pay much greater attention to the one voice within that is from God calling,and I am looking so very much forward to the CLARITY. So much I need this consistent feeling, and I know once I feel more settled this too shall be new feeling.
            Thank you Again,and Please let your family know I am Grateful that they too would take the time with a genuine intention/heart along with you to pray for me and others like me on your blog.

          • It feels pretty good within me to be a part of a team!
            Thank you for that.
            Have a Great afternoon there

          • Thank you again for your comments regarding the quote of something has gone wrong if miracles not happening. I began to think this morning after reading this that I did not need any healing course because my miracles not happening, and I noticed at same time I felt a stronger connection to my greater relationship with God and thought of a knowing that I had God, itneresting I knew deep within my heart that this was my One and Only Source to surrender. that this is not about my having a block within , as I have prayed in Greatest inttention and affirmation as you also mention in this post you have done in your lifetime, and God has a plan for he has presented very obvious obstacles and delays. I was sad to have ambivalence to think it could be from me sabotoging things and then I knew from your note that my first instinct was more aligned with Gods work. I will need to work on not asking Why God? Why?

          • Sandra,
            I have learned that our ‘gut’ has a lot to tell us if we listen to it. When the Lord is in our lives, the Holy Spirit is used to prompt and guide us. Usually, we will have an inner gut response to something-right or wrong-and need to take that to the Lord. Pray over it and most often, it will be the right choice or direction. That is God working in your life. Keep up the great work, girl. You’re doing super! Colleen

          • Thank you for believing in me that I am doing super. I want to very much please the Lord,and I so much want to get beyond this soon. I do feel a stronger sense of God within me, a Spirit I do not believe I have ever felt as great of Light in my gut/soul.I can see it as not power but empowerment of I am God’s Being and he is now a part of me inside that I would not likely ever harm myself for he is there as a large presence is best I can describe.
            Thank you again,
            If I do not see you on blog, May your Thanksgiving be so fulfilling and a peaceful embrace of all that surround you.

          • Sandra,
            It is a heart that follows God that is most content. You are pleasing Him…just by being in the moment, surrendering all, seeking with all you have, depending with all you are…everything you are doing is bringing honor to Him. And just notice, it is the empowerment of the Holy Spirit that keeps you moving forward. Though you are at the end of yourself, there is a power far greater being supplied…that is the Holy Spirit. May you keep depending and He will bring you through. You are loved, Sandra. Colleen

          • sometimes like last nite I am in panic of mind chatter and gut instinct I cannot trust as I am not sure what or who is to be listened to. The anxiety creates me to constantly doubt when running in circles. Last nite was one of them. I kept praying for God to provide me clear direction so I would not have any doubt, although messages would come and then the complete opposite would enter as a sign in front of me. I will pray over these as you say as I want exactly what God wants in my very next step.
            Thank you again,

          • Sandra,
            I don’t know which message came first, this or the one I just sent. But I do know that our minds can be terribly difficult to harness. The unharnessed imagination runs wild; the enemy loves to take us captive that way. Let it not be, for God is greater in you than he that is in the world. I can’t imagine the anxiety, the worry and doubt…there is just cause for it which is what the enemy will throw your way. But when that happens we have to keep saying “Greater is He in me than he that is in the world”…repeat it over and over and over. Just keep running to the Lord. I don’t know why the doors aren’t opening with greater ease; but I do know your trust is growing and He promises to be faithful. When our minds are full of worry, they cannot be full of God’s message too. So clear out the worry and try with all you have to repeat scripture. By filling your heart and mind with truth, there is no room for the enemy to get in. You are in the throes of battle…isn’t it wonderful to know that God has already won. His love for you never ceases. I continue to pray. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, Thank you for your notes before Thanksgiving Day. I read the three posts you have graciously expanded in such Light, I have a sense of awe with what you have written. Everything you have said regarding throes of battle is how I have literally felt is going on beyond my Being and yes, God has alreayd won. I had mentioned to a freind one month back that I felt like the Good and Evil Angels were having a war over me, and I thought the God I love so much is being seen as a threat to an Evil dark side. I have even feared it is from my being near a friend who does not believe and the Powers are fighting over me or something I would never believe possible. Here with your posting you confirmed this is so true. I literally can say I have been fighting to keep God with me, and most recently even changed how I pray, I have added that I am speaking to the Lord ,the Highest Almighty God of Highest Light and Love and Greatest Good of me ,everyone and all universe. I add even that this is only who I let in the Almighty God ,creator of Heaven and Earth of Highest Light and Love. I will write down what you have psoted to respeat over and over as well. Last nite I am sure I was vulnerable and that is why things would pop up in a form of a real road sign saying go here this way, and then I would begin going and I would realize that I had circled and was going opposite direction of sign,and I asked which was I supposed to listen to. As you have mentioned anxiety will not allow me to hear clearly. I will so pray for calm mind to help me with getting beyond this lengthey delay of hardship. I am at the friend massage office with shower ,although this is where I felt an energy that is not aligned with God Light, possibly from a mentor that does not seem to allow God into his Heart. I thought I would have positive influence, although I wonder if that is battle beyond human form ,it would be sad for me as most of my healing has been done here with this individual, when therapeutic intervention it feels so close to God,sometimes the individual can have a mask? from own issues. Whatever it is going on above all is an energy of imbalance, God has won my Faithful Heart as God is Faithful to me and I know the Greatest Love and Brightest Light has come from God in my very presence and connected within me. I do not ever wish to loose a friendship as we all need work on our own stuff. I even mentioned this concept of Angels fighting over us, a dark unhealed heart and my purest of pure Love for God and filled with Brightest Light of God, he did not know either if this is possible.
            Colleen , I want to go back and read again your notes,esp from today. I already kept thoughts all day of Rollo May and googled him. I read Romans and David a few more times,focusing on the verse of Romans you mentioned.
            Thank you for sharing the experience with needing gas, and it was provided, how great is his protecting you/providing at that moment kind stranger.
            I will be aware and grrateful of what has appeared and that can help my mind clear away from this delay/waiiting on answer of a home.
            To note regarding the affodable stay hotels, last nite I also was in search of one I found online,but could not locate it, and then I intended to go by one today to check, and forgot when I was out. Most are expensive. Althgouh I am grateful, there is one overnite place that is beach Villa and 2 12 hours away and only 55.00/nite with kitechn. I wanted to set it up for Thanksgiving and again there was first available and then sudenly the owner said she mixed it up with another villa and the one I was set on was not available. Then I called her last nite last minute to check on the other one she mentioned,and suddenly that one was not available right after I spoke with her thelast time. She was so kind and caring of my situation right now that she offered one complimentary nite n/c when I schedule in further. I was planning to do so for my Birthday in Dec, now instead of 2 nites, it can be 3. I am so grateful as right on water,so healing for me, so I need to do this and maybe unwidning away a few nties will help me move foreward in hearing God direction
            I think I could talk to you for hours, you are such a Blessing to me Colleen. I enjoy hearing from you so much and your grace, what I call an amazing grace that you are to me,I have learned so much from you and more learning from the Bible by your sharing in ways of esperience that you have with me.
            I am most Grateful.
            Happy Thanksgiving. I know I am Happy right now for your notes of Purest Loving Kindness ,and I am Loved in your writing, I am so Blessed with all your notes for truly a Great Thanksgiving. . I do know the song you mentioned….. You Are Wanted is another I like very much.. I go to Christian Book store and listen to Hope I think it is, By King group? I cannot remember although when I hear it , I will be certain to mention full name….always have 89.7 on my car and computer radio.
            Thank You

          • Sandra,
            So it sounds like you found a safe place…oh my gosh! This is the hand of God at work…alive, vibrant, giving, sustaining. What a gift, an answer to your need…you will never forget the moments you lived moment by moment. And those who come behind you will need the same encouragement, the reminder of God’s faithfulness. Deuteronomy is full of this message…I mentioned before, it is a book of remembrance. Psalm 73 is also a good passage to meditate upon. The Psalmist writes about nearly being overcome by doubt and fear, meeting the Lord and gaining a new perspective, thus He can place His trust in Him. That is where you are. I’m so thankful to know you have found a place and are safe. Thanks be to God almighty. Have a wonderful evening shared with the Lord. Colleen

          • yes, I am safe and this office has security system that I really like to have on busy road here. I am very Blessed that I have a place to rest my head and becasue of your caring .
            I wrote down Book of Deuteronomy, I remember the post of remmberance and did look it up once after taht post. I wrote down Psalm 73 and I look very much forward to mediatitng on this Pssalm.
            I was reading all the places you mentioned in yoru post, wherever essentially you are, God is there right beside you and with you . I like that thought and will finally toss my doubt,it is so ingrained in my mind to question what is before me ,I be3lieve from the level ofabuse. It is so automatic,that God is so Fatihful because of the time it has taken to work this doubt out of me and find the peace within of complete TRUST in him.
            I really am so happy tonite that God Loves me so much Colleen. And how much you Shine his word and message through verse and just how much you are inspriing to know and listen to ,and from your experience of life ,and sharing your wisdom and grace . Thank you for the Great Gift of a Smile for God Knows, and God is GREAT.
            I again Praise the Lord with you as you psoted before,and in honor to be able to share this with you here.,
            Honestly, that is the Best Thanksgiving I have ever experirenced.Tomorrow I will walk light and meditate on Psalm 73 and our sharing what we have this nite.
            Goodnite now

          • Sandra,
            I have a hand written message in my office that says “God is on my side”. I think we all need to be reminded of that at times; some more than others. For you, it seems He is growing in you a new and different strength, peace, and sense of calm you have never had. I am so thankful to be walking along side you and enjoying the delight of hearing how faithful He always is. Colleen

          • I like that message by your side. I like the song there is an Angel by your side, these ideas is like this feeling, Gods word to soften and keep going with the flow . I think I will be keeping The one Strength within me is Stronger than the one in the world” and that will always remind me of its meaning,the presence with me is of God and the impact that you have had along this path with me. I do believe that you are exactly an Ange By My Side.
            I am glad that you can see what I am feeling,and yes, this new and very different awakening of Feeling a Peaceful Strenth within and the sense of calm.There are some days I am not sure yet where I fit into the world as all is so busy and feels like passing me by,I have a different need than most right now I think, to have a warm meal with my own oven is not something that others are without. It can be like I am not lost ,but not found ,when I feel found I will feel I think less lonely at times. I know God is with me and I am ever so found by him becasue of his Faithfulness in providing safe housring and this work to better heal me. I am never truly Alone with God. Honestly you are my only friend right now that is so aligned with me as you ahve been traveling right there along side me .
            Thank you Colleen.

          • Sandra,
            As you learn new skills, grow in resilient inner strength, form habits, the path won’t feel as difficult. Anytime we are making such huge changes, I have found the Lord strips us down to ‘bare bones’…meaning, He longs for our complete and undivided attention and he sure has it when we have nothing left. Many in scripture who were used of God in powerful ways spent seasons very, very alone. Isolated. Painfully misunderstood, as a misfit at times. It doesn’t mean we are lost, it means we are learning there is a new way home and that home is going to be safe and in keeping with God’s will. The fact that you have pressed through this far reveals your spirit of tenacity and determination…two remarkable and rare qualities. You are loved. Colleen

          • your note is so amazing. you are simply so awesome Colleen for lack of better word at this moment.
            If you knew my life story ,I so much fit this description ,I was named a misfit by a brother, teribly misunderstood by family from honestly birth to now ,even though at this very time of my life journey is the time it has come to be down to barest of bones. It reminds me of the story of Bible I think is Joseph? where he in his entire life was alienated/misunderstood/un accepted by family for being so genuine.
            Then when he became King, he did not hold grudge, he
            gave them all a food and shelter. I appreciate your words and such thougtfulness, my Spirt sure feels weary and warn to keep carrying myself, although like the book of Ruth even, Naomi kept going and took Ruth for what would be revealed later.
            I will continue this path with the truest of determination for closeness to God word, having the Holy Spirit of Christ so much a part of my Soul to be able to radiate and shine such
            truth and comfort, what I call unconditional Love to someone
            in need. Maybe like you Colleen, something like the way you have helped me, I would like to help antoher.That is a Precious Gift.
            you are a Blessing, And I feel Loved in a way I have always prayed to feel although did not have the opportunity to know what it was like in Truest Purest of form.
            Thank you for this opportunity to share and find comfort of this kind. Again, I praise the Lord with you,

          • Goodnite out there Colleen. I came back on computer to read this posting again. It truly resonated with me and my life and your are so insightful that I had to say you are truly incredible! and as I have mentioned other times, an Amazing Grace to me, the Angel by my Side. God has chosen you to be and He knew exactly what I needed and provided,as I could not have wanted it any other way. This has brought me great joy knowing He chose you Colleen, even when there is and has been the depth of pain and hurt, I feel the dimension of feelings deeening within my very soul.I get choked up with some of these notes all from inspiritation and joy to have this opportunity to correspond and share this journey so much of the Holy Spirit.
            Thank you, and I did look up Book of Joseph, and I believe he was 11th of 12 children. I was 5th of 6 , I thought interesting similar placement of birth order.
            Thank you,

          • Sandra,
            Your words are very kind and honoring….thank you. I am only doing what other’s provided for me which is written for us in II Corinthians 1…Paul’s very vulnerable chapter about his own near death experiences and fears. It was the Lord who rescued him always. Then Paul tells us that from the comfort we have been given, we are to comfort others. So what is coming to you, will go to another. It is God’s plan that we humble ourselves before Him, thank Him for His provision, then pass along the hope to others for what He gave to us. That is His perfect plan. So keep looking up. You are doing great. Colleen

          • Colleen , THANK YOU. I believe you have delivered to me whatI feel is one of my most favorite Psalms, Psalm 73 has a great feeling for me,esp these verses.I will copy this and /or find it written on little postcard at Christian Book Store. I adore this Psalm.
            THANK YOU for sharing ,yes, it is in tune with me where I am at currently,and always the truest feeling in my heart.
            I wanted to let you know befoe I signed off.

            Yet I am always with you;
            you hold me by my right hand.
            24 You guide me with your counsel,
            and afterward you will take me into glory.
            25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
            And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
            26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
            but God is the strength of my heart
            and my portion forever.
            27 Those who are far from you will perish;
            you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
            28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
            I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
            I will tell of all your deeds.

          • Sandra,
            It is amazing how God works. Just today, the verses you sent to me touched my heart deeply. Thank you. I am inspired by your determination and drive to know Jesus and live in His will. Be brave…amazing things are ahead for you, my friend. Colleen

          • I am very glad that you enjoyed the verses I forwarded,what a pure delight it was to learn to read these. Today I even went to Christian Book Store and looking for a compact little Bible so I can have it to carry along with me to open anywhere,like you have said on a mountain, in your car, wherever! I honestly have felt determination for the most of 8 years to heal, and it is interestling one can turn here and turn there, when the One who has stood Faithfully watching and seeking my greater attention than all of these other avenues of healing, to find God right within me now is profound for me to feel,and to be so very aware that is all i needed the entire time looking elsewhere.
            Interesting it all is,and I will continue to Believe that amazing things are ahead. Thank You Very Much for those supportive words that so very much I find comforting and inspiring as well.
            I know you are there is such a Huge Blessing. And I acknoweldge you as a very Dear One.
            Enjoy your weekend in good rest. Thank You Colleen

          • Okay, the New Living Translation is an excellent one…by Tyndale. Also, I don’t know if you have a smart phone but Insight for Living has an app for free…you can hear messages every day, anywhere, anytime. Go to and you will see how to connect with social media. There are also apps for various systems that speak the Bible. I have an app and literally will listen to passages of scripture while I drive. is a good site for Bible study as is Bible .Whatever works, go for it.

          • Hi Colleen, I will look at this New Living Translation by Tyndale. Thank You. I have only basic cell service. Something to consider for future, nice idea and I would enjoy doing as you have to be able to listen anywhere. I have been listening to 89.7 radio in car and when near computer where I can isten to radio, I get onto site to do so.
            Thank you again,

          • Sandra,
            Oh my goodness….I have not forgotten you!!! I’ve been swamped over the weekend but promise to get to your notes later today. Just wanted you to know I have received them and look forward to each one. You are a blessing. Thanks so much, Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I just looked at a rental and if not rent woman would like to sell. It is 100.00 more than what I wanted to spend on renatl, and she wants to sell it for 95,000,
            when my max number is 80,000/ , My reserach shows me this house can be priced from 75,-95, the zillow estimate I think was 86,000. I cannot do 86,000 with comfort.
            How and what do I ask God if you do not mind me asking. I thought to say how Grateful I have been for the Lord presence and speaking to me so clearly to show me his presence, and if he could be so clear with me so I have no doubt in my mind what his will is for me ,what direction he would like to follow.I already asked if the woman would come down to 80,000 as I can see it needs exterior paint, it is 1919 house with I do not know what else beneath or structurally yet, she was greatly firm on higher price. Maybe that was the answer. I felt so comfortable walkign through,very elegant fireplace, large baseboards and high ceilings so pretty. It felt like this could be my home.
            I wanted to ask, as you are aware I so much would like to find a place soon and how I pray and what I am askign for seems to be vital.
            Thank you Colleen.

          • Sandra,
            Okay, if you have presented your budget to the Lord and find it to be wise, then this place is too much. Yes, it has the elegance you want, it does have some of the things you are looking for; but being wise with your finances is always best. Don’t go into debt or settle for a higher price because it ‘feels’ so cozy. That is very, very hard to do. But if you have set a limit and made peace with it, then the Lord has another place for you. Also, the place He has for you will also include what He is preparing for you…there may be a neighbor who needs hope and He’s prepared you to share that. There may be a family who needs some strength…what you have been given these past few months. I don’t know what He has for you but if your budget is set, stick to it. He will provide. Colleen

          • Thank You so much Colleen. I am so sorry for all the posting that you needed to return to. I am grinning knowing that you are still good with me,just because I know.
            Thank you for the notes,and especially this one that God does have one,just One he is preparing for me,and like you say there will be a neighbor I can help. That will be my focus. I had to say no to the rental of room in big house, I felt it would be not suited for my mental health. I Thanked the woman of couple for her kindness most of all for opening her home to me. It is interesting although as what you said re: helping someone, I think she needed someone like me to help her . She needed house sitter for cat,and sometimes alone in house when husband out. It does not feel lik the One God has prepared though.
            Thank you so much for your acceptance and patience in this journey of transformation.

          • I just wanted you to know that when I said I was grinning, I meant that I knew that I am accepted for my good and bad by you, it was an honest smile of knowing how Blessed I am to know that you will keep me around even with anxiety /confusion of wanting to hear exactly the Lord calling,no diversions, jsut one more move for my tired head and feet. So I want to be sure to hear the One.
            Thank you for accepting me as who I am as a whole.
            I look very much forward to reading book of Paul tonite before bed that you mentinoned also.

          • Hi Colleen.low day ,I know you can tell when you see so many emails by me,yeek! The person letting me use office and shower is pressuring me to make a move. He has asked me three time over if I am going to take rental or room in home. I repeated my decision and am feeling pushed to do something? I guess I could go to an affordable stay if a studio does not arise soon.

            Maybe by Monday if nothing, I will just do this.

            I will continue prayer and listen to which will be the One answer, all these mixed messages in the offerings have me feeling strange. I sure wish I just did not attempt to buy a house to reduce my expenses other wise I would not have gotten stuck in this situation.There must be a silver lining in this, is it the options are surfacing and I am learning to listen to God and filter out diversion from God? I am grateful for the kindness of those who have opened their homes to me. What i think bothers me most is how when I feel pushed, it feels insensitive to I am the one who does not go home to warm cozy home tonite. I know he feels he is doing good to me to do what is healthier for me,and his approach is to push along and make it happen. My mental expansion over this time of pushing along,and feel bounced up,down and around that I have surrendered to wait for God answer where to wihtout a doubt step to next .

            I will keep praying,and I know I should not say this, I wonder if it is all worth it, maybe the struggle simply goes on.It is not up to me,I know God is in control. I do not believe I could ever hurt myself. I do wonder though

            sorry, do not intend to be concerning. just low day.

            Thank you,


          • Sandra,
            I’m glad to know another place has become available for a little while by the other gal. I think you need to really look for a good, wise therapist in this time…I ‘ve sent some links to organizations who recommend area therapists. Because you are vulnerable, decisions are overwhelming…that is NORMAL. Things need to be kept in very calm order which is what you are trying to do. I think a therapist would help you with containing some of the ‘noise’ you are enduring…decisions you are making, and help you find rest. Thanks for the updates. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I am sorry i fI have been a burden with anxiety . I do have a Phychologist who is so kind and wise,so caring and loving. I had not seen her due to cost ,not having the insurance I did when I was married.Maybe now that in limbo and not paying full rent,just helping with utilities I need go see her and can afford to do so even if once a month to hlep me. I used to go every week to two weeks.It has been probably three years,although if I unravel I call her and she will return my calls. An hour is not a long time in office, by time cry and open to subject ,then there is so much more to talk about , I guess still helpful for growth and as you say to keep as calm as possible. And my life is not in calm order although where I am staying I sleep very well ,quiet,comfortable and safe. I am concerned for me though, I appreciate your concern for me as well very much.
            Thank you Colleen.

          • Colleen, I wanted to write and say What a Delightful verse Romans 12:2, honeslty I did not recall reading this verse when I had viewed Romans last week? unless just have been feelign too overwhelmed that my mind had gone blank to recall. I will say I wrote it down, I Love this very content so appropriate ,you are so wise to bring exact circumstance from God word to me
            “…but be transformed by the Renewal of your mind, that by testing…….”
            Also, I am so Thankful I have a place I know my head can rest ,still headache ,that will subside with a few more nites of good cozy and warm for good nites sleep. The gal here just remembered and said how could she not think of this, her sister sellling small cottage home in Florida and in my price range, may just be before a short sale. I am thinking and she is wondering if message of why I am staying here to be directed to a house? maybe differnet state? I will keep you posted.It is pretty far from here 8 hours,if it is my calling,I will need to remain open to find my way to settle down there.
            Have a very good day fulfilled with God by your side.
            GOD IS ON MY SIDE! GOD IS ON MY SIDE I will remember,and keep 12:2 with me all day.I think anothe rof my very favorite verses from Bible.
            Thank you

          • Sandra,
            I read a few of your notes and thought this was a good one to connect on. There are so many verses and chapters of the Bible that help us change our focus. You can look in the back of your Bible for words such as “peace”, “Goodness”, “faithfulness”, and so on…usually there are many verses listed. Then look up the verse, study the context it is in, and take part of it to memorize…or the whole. Either way, this is how we learn to think theologically…to think in a way that transforms us from our natural responses to those more like Christ. And we are able to remember what He promises. I do think a therapist is a must…at least for a while. I sent a list of places to find some…Dallas Seminary, New Life Live, and Focus on the Family have national lists. I’m sure you could call a few and see if there could be a plan worked out. But what you are going through can’t be done alone so finding a safe place and a safe therapist tops the list. Hope you are doing well today. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, The feeling of being Loved is somehow naturally releasing old wounds like a stiff muscle being soothed and relaxing my Whole Being where I have been so very unloved and without any way of being acknowledged,scapegoat in fact for much very multiple evil doings that surrounded me without anyone but me that was truly alive of Light and lived from the Heart of God Love and kindness fully on my sleeve and see this was not of truest God Light and Love. I would think part of healing I needed to feel this today.I would believe that this can only happen when we truly feel so acknoweledged and Loved as you have provided with God great presence and He himself ,the Lord with and for me. Let all move through the hurt for Let there Be the Brightest light before me.
            I wanted to say Thank you .

          • Sandra,
            Love…it is the most important subject…action, behavior, endeavor, commitment, work, call on the Christian’s life. It’s no wonder that we are to first love the Lord our God with all our soul, heart, mind, strength; then to love other’s. If the Christian community would only work on those two commands, the world would be transformed. There were many wounded places in me; thankfully the Lord provided one to love me in His healing way and thus where I was empty, God filled. He is doing that for you; only He can do that through one another. That is why harmony and unity are so vital to the Christian life. You are welcome…loving one who is so open and willing is an honor. Thank you for allowing me to know you and help you heal. Colleen

          • Colleen, I am so very Thankful that you have been provided such a Loving Christian Community. When or where I am seetttled, I do wish for the same feeling,to know there are indivduals as Pure ,as caring as you are and most of all to be sensitive to True unconditional Love and also receive with acceptance Love in return, knowing God is Love.I am grateful to know this has been provided by God and in our friendship.
            That has always been my dream in a spouse.. I wanted the Fireproof movie to be my happy ending, need two people to follow is key,at elast that is what I believe from experience of my own. I am far from perfect and have learned so much, I am Grateful of have the God conscience I do now to take me into my next marriage more focused and be certain it is focus together and as One of Gpd as I always desired.
            I hope I have expressed post clearly I have a headache tontie and head feeling washed.
            Thank you,

          • Sandra,
            We all have dreams or wishes regarding a spouse; Hollywood does not help in presenting such relationships realistically. It is often to live for our wishes and dreams when we have been wounded…in a way they have kept us going…but as we heal, we learn those have to be released. You are doing that which is great. Scripture and prayer will reveal what is very true about this life and what we can expect. The most important part now is that you are cultivating your own voice, your own space, and your own identity. That must be foundational to healthy relationships. Good Job! Colleen

          • Thank you Colleen, I will read through this and the other posts later today for they are so comforting and your experience so wise, Scripture and prayer a part of my life will help me see where I am at for grounding.
            Thank you

          • Hello Colleen, I am so confused what to do with these two rentals. One is old house just purchased by couple where there is alot of work ,previous owner did not finish rehab/renovation so ceiling damge due to leaks, mold smell,and so far into downtown where I normally would not feel safe to live,although they have security system throughout. It is a furnished room,but even through alot of sq.footage/space there,the room I would stay in is just beside foyer and the kitchen on other end .I did not care for the energy inside the house. Thiis is rental where couple work and travel and would not be there all January,and I have wifi and she did not talk about price,but I would think very littel to cover what I do use in utilities.
            The other one I felt so good inside that I prefer to buy woman came down 50.00, so now only 50. more than what I wanted to spend. I would need put in security system,and get all connections in my name..And get majority of things moved from storage as empty house.
            The part that is so much confusing me is I see the light over this house I love, and it has the things in it that I prayed for, like old claw foot tub and elegant coal burning old fireplaces, my prayer did not specify working fireplace.
            I am so confused for God is answering my prayer in this one rental, the other is more attractive firnancially and where I do not have a lease,and can gather clarity with rest to work toward finding something permanent. I have handed all over to God to bring complete clarity to that to do in this choice., I have told them both that I will contact them tomrrow, I honestly do not knwo that living with this couple feels best for I am so independent myself yet they talk alot and keep talking even though they will not be there most of the time and all of January. The area would not have been first choice even though they feel completely safe.
            Goodnite ColleenSandra

          • Sandra,
            It’s day’s end and I have no idea what you have chosen or if you have chosen a place. I cannot answer it for you. Where ever God provides His peace….not a feeling of it but the fullness of it…is where you need to be. Since you have issues with anxiety, I would be cautious about over extending your resources. However, He could provide someone or some way for the cost to be paid. I sincerely don’t know. If the other place will bother you, that too can be a diversion from the enemy…he will use ANYTHING that gets our minds off Christ. So wherever your mind will be most focused on Christ, and is not an overextension of your ability to pay, then that is the way to go. Only you can make that choice. I will wait to hear what you have chosen. Colleen

          • Bingo. That is the answer. You are awesome.(Smile). that is why I feel so much discomfort, there is a diversion there. That is what it is. This has so much helped me, neighter of the rentals will work.This is so very intersitng. Earlier today I did begin looking at condos,I think good idea for me too.
            I am continuing to stay this week so far at massage office with shower. I know the owner does want for me and my health to recoup somewere. I am putting my all into now looking outside this area toward beach as because of economy realtor told me condo can cost 50,000 right now,gated community for my feeling security and safe,so I thought it can help keep all options open. Yes, it need be in my budget, I stay in budget for this is my seccurity being by my self,always want that to feel comfortable cost per month
            Thank you again

          • wow, if I thought I was loosing my wits about me until now, now is harder than what it felt like before. I feel my awareness of people has escalatd in this growth in that I see so much more than others. The couple and my x husband friend who seems to be part of the family of this couple I have option to rent room in house of, they all are same character of my xhusband and I feel so foreign, I seem to no be aligned at all at many peoples level,and it is making me so anxious and sadder for the misfit feeling is growing here. It is irritating me although I wish to find comfort in those caring enough to open their homes to me. At same time, I cannot feel sickened emotioanlly.
            And of three emails I wrote last nite, one reply form gal states her trhill of Christmas tree and she knows I will do what is best for me, it seemed so much like I am happy in my home, you will figure out what to do on your own. I am sad this morning and feeling more alone than has been .
            Thtank for being patient with all emails and all of your help

          • Sandra,
            The escalation of your observations about life will grow as you continue to become more healthy. You are like a wide open sore right now…the bandages are off, you are allowing other’s to help bring healing care, and in the midst of it, there is a raw open space. I don’t know what your relationship stance is with your x-husband…I don’t know if there is a workable connection there or if you need to be very distant for your own safety and mental health. As a result, I can’t answer where you are to go. I would evaluate the finances, where there is peace, the relationships surrounding each place, and ask God to clarify your thoughts. Don’t make any decision on feelings. If an answer is demanded and you are not able to provide one, then you say… “I cannot give a final answer this moment”. You have to go with strength and clarity. I will be praying the Lord provides both. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I do read astroology This is what it said today…It is very much on target for how i feel today.I do not rely on this,I do believe planets alignemnts affect us by vibrational frequency.
            Let God have the Wheel for I seem to have that pattern of looking for what I may be missing in a dark cloud,a protection mechanism that is what we spoke of “getting in my own way”. When something has happened as it did me, that is one pattern too ingrained in me esp when feel so vulnerable.
            I will let go and Let God take the wheel,and settle my stomach and last three nites awake 2am until ready to get up ,maybe slept an hour before getting up.
            Have a Blessed Day,
            “Get the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop? It’s not — so relax and let the universe drive. Things have been going splendidly, and they’ll continue to do so. All you have to do is show up — and stop trying to find the dark cloud in that silver lining”

          • Sandra,
            Since ‘the other shoe dropped’ often, you are wired to think this way. However, that is why I continue to stress Romans 12:2 and truth in general. Write it down, keep it in your pocket, read His promises all the time. There are little books of promises in stores like CVS, Walgreen’s, Hallmark’s, just small, bite size promises that you have to literally ‘rewire’ your mind. Ask the Lord to help Him change that in you as well. He is on your side. Keep repeating that phrase…God is on my side, God is on my side…He is, Sandra. And as you repeat, repeat, repeat (as we have said in education for years), then it gets in and it’s not forgotten. You are on the right track. Remember, GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE! = ) Colleen

          • GOD IS ON MY SIDE! what a wonderful message. And yes, I have been told to rewire my mind, although this is the first answer of how that has been presented to me. I have used affirmations,etc, it is God Word that will resonatate as I believe in the truth of God so deeply. I will look up Romans 12:2. I am sorry if I did not get that yet in your messages, I may have read but not truly heard this ring through me . I will specifically go to 12:2
            Thank you Colleen

          • GOD IS ON MY SIDE, I keep repeating when in times needing emotional comfort,like yesterday. Today Colleen, I wish this time I could yell from rooftop so you can hear my song from my soul of Joy! I am so grateful for you. First, I hope that you and your family are well. I know your weather in Texas is icy right now, I hope you are safe and warm with your family close by with you.
            And I truly hope that your home is so especially decorated of warm holiday tradtions for Christ Birthday so near.
            Now, What i wanted to share with you, Today! When I feel I need more than my mind and heart to bring me close to God , I stop into the Christian Book Store. Before that I did not feel much was resonating with me and wanted God word to be everywhere visually right in front of me. I had just walked in park and absorbed God beauty of creation and asked the Lord to fill me with his word!!! Well, first I stopped at Dollar store reading some Christmas cards, no the words I was looking for were not resonating. When I arrived at Christian BOok Store, my Favorite CD of the season “Into the Silent Nite”,by King and Country was only 4.99. As I enjoyed the energy of God Loving people in store, the usual gal who is so kind to me always that works there, and all the others there are always nice too .Well, she said she has a Bible for me!
            I almost cried. I told her she was going to make me cry, I was so grateful. I told her this was such a Blessing and I appreciated this. She had an extra NCV-Holy Bible New Century Version/Connecting Faith and Life and In Giant Print…LOL my eyesight not too great anymore. I felt so Blessed Colleen. She told me she knew now for over one year I was looking for the Bible for me, and just this past weekend I was sitting there going through some ,and looking for the one you recommended. Here today I asked for God to fill me with his word so I feel as close to him as the experience I had from Thanksgiving when he shared Divine communication with me after I opened Bible to a verse you recommended I keep in mind just the nite before. I have wanted to make them little grape vine and delicate natural berry wreath gifts for around candles and with my being bounced around I did not find the space to gather and create.They are aware of my living situation and have been so supportive and encouraging also.
            Then on way home, a woman at gas station did not have enough money at register, I gave her a dollar to cover,she seemed offended at first and I simply said I know what it is like when you have a long line behind you and you run short,it is okay you can have this to help you. She insisted she had change in car and she came back in afterward to pay me back. In meantime I was at register and handed in my lottery ticket to have it checked and I won 40.00! I felt a warmth rush over me and within me Colleen that i had not felt in forever now. It felt like such a wonderful hour of my day to have been this aligned with God in such a powerful way of feeling his energy providing and me providing and then being provided again.
            Also at Christian book store i met an old neighbor’s daughter, from where i lived with husband in a community. She told me her Mom is not well, she had a stroke. This neighbor was really very sweet lady and I asked if I could knock on her door and say hello. Her daughter was delighted. She began to tell me she can be forgetful.And I explained how much I understand. over 15 years ago I worked for 13 years with Alzheimer and Dementa individuals in Long term care. I was Art and Recreation Therapist back then,I did grow into a Director around the time I was then married. And then between marriage not working well in second year already and severe politics ,I did have an emotional breakdown. That is when I learned I had PTSD and severe Social Anxiety and major deppressive disorder from the Mayo Clinc diagnostics. Dr.s thought i had MS,but it was all emotional that surfaced physically. I did not have the support from my husband,unfortunately I went to Mayo Clinic Rochestor on my own for diagnosis.
            Sorry to get off on that tangent. I wanted to share all that with you .
            I will keep you posted on my reading Romans in the Bible I hold tonite.
            All the verses have been so helpful where i keep repeating as you advised.
            Thank you Colleen.Many Blessings to you and yours

          • Sandra,
            OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! AMAZING! I have every note you have written and maybe someday you will read through them and see how much you have changed. It’s been Jesus, Sandra….Jesus changes us. He promises to and then when He does, it’s like we can’t believe it. What a thoughtful gift you offered to the woman in the gas station…I can so relate. How wonderful!!! I remember going to a bookstore one day and sitting on the floor reading everything I could on healing and writing down verse after verse after verse. Now, they are my food for life. Psalm 1 is only 6 verses long and it’s one I depend on often. I also depend on Ps. 23, Proverbs 3:5-6, Joshua 1: 1-9, Isaiah 55:6, 8-9 come to mind immediately. My dad and his mother used to have Bible memory verse competitions…He said she always won but to this day, some 70 years later, he calls upon his memory work as a child and it gets him through tough stuff. It’s for us all. Stay the course my dear one, you are doing fantastic! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, you are as gracious and amazing in your response as always. Thank You for the comforting supportive wise thoughts continuously. Thank God I am doing as good as yesterday, feeling so alive in Christ,and sharing his Love and seeing how others are awakening to what that looks and feels like to receive. I simply gratitude again for living this.
            I will be looking at the Christian resources you provided to see if any counseling available.I did contact Physchologist,it is unusual I did not hear back from her, at times she goes on vacation out of country,this may be one of those times.
            I can hear you also found this glorious story with gal in gas station. I could not wait to share with you,and since this experience, I feel differnet. Another instance came up with a woman who lives in Florida but has a rental in beach of SC. She has been so kind to me and given my situation she has offered a complimentary nite in addition to a few nites I reserved at beach for Christmas Day through my birthday this month. I am going to celebrate Jesus Christ Birth and follow with my own gratitude on my birthday. This woman is as you described,suddenly we are corresponding supporting each other, also she is helping me with guidance to affordable beach condos that I will look at Wed with Realtor that she highly recommended that was not pushy for me, and offering any help in answering quesstions with this .Today she wrote she had not replied so quickly as her Dad is passing. I remembered what you had stated in a post that God will place me where I can help others. So I comforted her and I literally and genuinely offered to help with whatever it was that she or her family would need during this time. And I meant it. This all feels so very good Colleen. Colleen, I also have saved our correspondence and today for the very first day after reading through all the notes last nite and reflecting on current experiences of such warmth of Christ Love and Guidance, Thanksgiving experinece, all these ,I thought and felt today for the first time that I have changed. I feel more aware of those in need,and ready and waiting to comfort and share Loving kindness.It is incredible that this is Jesus Colleen, truly an amazing feeling and awareness. I am so delighted. I think i have also inspired a little warmth and Love in a friend who has such a broken heart from an early age. God works miracoulsly ,never to desert another but to keep Loving and showing how to love and what that means. Reading through all the posts last nite, I cherish each and every one of them Colleen, I was specifically reading over and over the one where you told me that when God really wants our attention there will be stripping down to bare bones and many Biblical stories have shown the lives of being misfit, shunned,emprisoned for no wrong doing, etc for great lenghts of time. I will read all of the verses you have found your most inspiring. I love how you just sat on floor reading, I am inspired by your brave character to be who you are and just be comfortable with that in middle of store. That is terific . And I enjoyed the way your Dad used to have the Bible memory competitions, I would believe you and he also could have quite fun at this. You are very inspiring to me Colleen. And I am grateful you are warm and safe with your family tonite in the ice storm.I will keep you posted ,may I bring you greater Blessings of these Christ experiences that I live for now. I honestly and genuinely Live for Christ and Almighty God now, every day I look for that relatinship and connection.
            Thank you for listening,sharing and being there Colleen.

          • Sandra,
            This is such an incredible note. I’ve never walked this closely with someone who has gotten “lost” so to speak…who has suffered and been laden with so many challenges yet so very open to finding God and their way home to Him. You have remained so open, even in the midst of disappointment and fear and doubt. And you have stepped out in faith to help those who need care…there is nothing quite like giving part of your heart to another who has a broken one. Somehow, it applies a patch of sorts…it helps hold them together just as God does with us. When we are growing healthier, we also grow in our awareness of our selves and our surroundings. I am so thankful you are experiencing that. The only word of caution is that in this time of feeling on top of things, the enemy would just love to place something in your path to bring you down-in your feelings. He uses doubt, discouragement, disappointment, and distractions (I’m studying this right now) which target our emotions-NOT the truth. So if you have an experience or a day that pulls you down, run fast to the Lord who is the author and keeper of all truth. Tell Him your feelings, then seek to find truths that oppose the feeling. Example, when discouraged, study His faithfulness and promises, when disappointed, study His goodness and sovereign plan for our lives, when in doubt, study His character…that He knows all, understands all, is in all…our feelings sometimes take a while to catch up but it’s the truth first then feelings follow. It’s exactly what you have been doing…learning about Him and His truths, following in obedience in spite of how its felt at times; and look at where you are now. This is truly a divine appointment and He is growing you back to health. The greater we have been broken means God has gone deeper into our souls for healing. And this world needs deep, faithful, loving souls. Keep me posted on your living situation and I’ll keep praying. Have a great day. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Thankk you as you always share such kind thoughts,I find gratitude and a peacefulcomfort of knowing how well you see me out here,often lately helping me better know God and emerging self. I feel honor and value my being one of a kind in such positive Light. I began feeling what you have mentioned as caution,first the gal taking a bit of advantgage here of my kindness of helping,i will keep that at bay as I will manage and continue to have gratitude for being somewhere warm and i meet with realtor on Wed or thurs this week for beach condo option open.With this, I went over and visited last nite as wanted to help somone and did not want to go back to house just yet either, so visited the old neighbor I mentioned who had a stroke. She was delighted and I will go back again.In beginning of year she will go to an Assisted Living locally and I promised to visit her there. She was happy and told me how much she missed seeing me in the neighborhood I had lived with husband at the time. I have been attempting to open the Bible and read and mind tired and not enough of me to get full reading in,maybe tonite. With all this ,the piece that so rings what you have cautioned is that I spoke to a family memeber and learned that my brother in law, (pedifile/abused me ,my middle sister and we are sure his daughters,but there is too much denail in family to open this up, I have been shunned and pretty much my middle sister has noticed isolation and no acknowledgement of her recent coming forward to help me in support where all have shunned and talk anger toward me)—anyways, sorry this is pretty negative, it turns out he has liver cancer. He has had Hep C for years now, and this is all I know. I suddenly felt anger swelling, I have not been invited to my neices and nephews weddings,and I still feel anger toward him for hurting so much of me and my life. I have me and my life back in my empowerment of self, yet I cannot find sorrow,and it really bothered me and only created more anger for me internally. I did make an appt with my Psychologist to discuss this and how to handle if he passes and do I go to a funeral where I could only feel a celebration internally when I know this is anger and not Who I am.
            So many feelings are coming over me on top of all the living situation turbulence. Today I felt like it was difficult to find joy of living especially with each swing it feels like .And then you wrote this note,and I say wow, this journey is more interesting than I have ever anticipated .Tonite I am watching this gal dog and I will have the quiet space to read Bible and really help penetrate some of what you speak of. I did look in back of Bible last nite in desparate search of a feeling and did not see it there to direct me to what to read , maybe each Bible is different. Or I was simply feeling too much distraction. Tonite I will do my search and read and tomorrow walk and pray for the word to fill up my Presence. I did listen to Charles Swindoll,your Dad and I really enjoyed listening. I thought I wonder if he talks about anxiety for me,It feels like he is on topic just for me.LOL.I know, there are more than just me who have this aspect of self .I thoroughly enjoyed his wisdom and sermon.
            I am going to come back on later and re read your note Colleen, This too shall pass for me, I sure want my own home and space to feel I can better deal with the other challenges that feel so personal surfacing. I am already so open, I will continue to be Faithful.
            And I will continue to read the word of God and all WMHK has to offer on website.
            Thank you so very much for your caring Colleen,and keeping so close to me during this time.
            I believe I will always touch base to let you know where I am at even when times are better for me. That is a promise. As I have said before you ahve inspired, comforted and with all left such a huge impact on me and my growth.
            Thank you
            Goodnite Colleen

          • Sandra,
            Wow…what a note. I am grieved for you; angered at those who hurt you, and amazed at the strength I see in you. In every way, Jesus understands you because he lived here and experienced all of humanity’s sinfulness…in every way. So there is one who knows better than anyone on earth about your soul…the one who created it, our Heavenly Father. When there has been abuse-specifically sexual abuse-there is an altering of the mind/body connection. What was used to protect you in those horrid moments can also be an unhealthy coping mechanism…it’s called disassociation or splitting. When discomfort of any kind comes along, its very, very hard to tolerate it without separating from it in some way. So, one of the great goals you can have with your therapist is to work on not splitting or disassociating. In a recent journal I read, it talked about our minds-specifically the executive functions…the behaviors and body/mind connections that help us function in life. (You may be able to look up the journal…it’s titled “Christian Counseling Today, vol. 20, no. 3) Growing spiritually isn’t separated from growing in other ways as well; for example you mentioned being more aware. One of the subjects related to executive functioning and healing is learning “Emotional Regulation and Distress Tolerance”…learning how to endure emotional and psychological discomfort without panic or great anxiety. Anyone who has suffered abuse wrestles with emotional regulation to some degree. This would be good to pray over as well. To ask the Lord to show you how to endure without great panic because HE is your refuge and one you run to. There is such great comfort in that. Also, you are so motivated to grow, remember that recovery takes time. We have to rest, we have to slow down because there is so much going on in our minds and souls. Finally, the intensity of your responses to the abuse…so much anger….is excellent to acknowledge. For when we acknowledge it, we must take responsibility for it…not the cause but how to move beyond it. That may take a life time. There are several resources through insight that may be good. First, we have a topical page titled “Sexual Abuse” which I think would be good for you to look over. Also, my mom has given her testimony which is pretty tough, but she talks about how she got to the other side of her anger and resentment. The links are here when you are ready to check them out. You are amazingly strong, Sandra. You have endured so much, pressed through such darkness…focus on those great qualities because they will help you in the healing process. The links are: Topical Page- Mom’s testimony: (it’s a 2 CD set) Hope this all makes sense. Keep at it girl! Doing great! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, what an amazing note in return. I am so fulfilled by your understanding,comfort and resources that you have shared. I will look up the Christian Counseling today volume you mentioend to see if I can view. That is so much where I am at Colleen, I have had severe disassication and have not felt it as severe as I had when having flashbacks of one time of memory loss. Reiki surfaced alot of this when I began healing 8 years ago. I am so much where this article discusses, the emotional regulation! and certainly distress tolerance. I have become better with less panic, the anxiety can get the best of me as you know with the mulitple emails at once that has occured on blog. Anger is a big one over past three years that I have allowed to feel it and expressing it when it surfaces, although violent feeling, and at times not feeling I am releasing it constructively is where I needed to deal with. Ex., I am embarrassed to say, I may say things angryly while diriving, sometimes irrational in coming close in car to doing something dangerous,speeding , the constructive working out anger has been walking up to 4 miles a day, i have sometimes not stopped until settled down and grounded calmly.
            Noise is highly irritating to me and too much exposure socially. That is why I need so much more of my own personal space,esp rigth now I am craving this to rest my mind compeltely.
            I am looking very much forward to reading the insight topical page which I was not aware, so I am Grateful for your letting me know, and certainily will read your Mom’s testimony as that may be a tremendous resource in helping me at this other point I seem to have when began “feeling” my feelings again, anger began to surface,and every time there is something that occurs like recent information regarding brother in law, it escalates to violent inside me. I will read through these today Colleen ,at least begin to explore each resource and go back again to absorb more.
            Thank you again for your gentle kindness,I will keep you posted on all.
            Thank you, Have a really good afternoon

          • Sandra,
            You are so, so thoughtful…your last note about being ministered to is deeply meaningful. Thank you. It sounds like you “get” a lot of what happened and the residual affects it has had on you. I bet you can’t tolerate much noise…or much of anything right now as you are diving into an area of deep, dark waters. First and foremost, the enemy will NOT want you to work towards healing because it’s drawing you to Christ. So, be prepared for emotional ups and downs, stay firmly fixed to the truth, and pray. Sometimes I even say out loud, “Thank you Lord that this _________ (whatever it may be) has lead me straight to you…help me now as I try to see clearly through it…help me get to the other side”. Those are my words, you will find your own. But run to HIM. As you probably also know, anger affects us in every way…physically it can damage our body functions, emotionally it ties us in knots, and so on. It is fantastic that you walk or exercise-a direct correlation between anger and healing is physical labor of sorts. Several years ago, we bought one of those boxing bags…find a cheap one on line maybe…and boxing gloves. That bag has been hit so many times by every one of us because we have such deep wounds and anger is the typical first line of emotional defense. So I would say, run if you can, walk, lift weights, box your heart out, kick boxing is great, whatever allows the adrenaline OUT. Journaling is great too…write letters that you may never send but write whatever you want to say. Only you and the Lord will know what’s on paper if it be but write. One great exercise is to write a letter to you-the little you that was hurt-with you now being the adult caring for your pain. It’s also been proven that empathy is one of the greatest healing factors for those who hurt. Essentially, you are connecting with your true self for maybe the first time. What power there is in these exercises. There are other ways of getting anger out if you are interested…and some good workbooks that help too. What you are already doing is so fabulous. Expect to be cranky at times, less patient, easily irritated…you are working on hard stuff. And then ask the Lord to help you relate to others even when you are emotionally spent. Great update. Box your heart out! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I read again your posting, and I wanted to say that it is so clear that God led me to be listener of WMHK radio and then to connect online,and then to find my way to you on Insight for Living.It is so clear that I needed this connection with the Lord, and Almighty God to share the closeness with you and to become closer to Him and our God. It is also the Empathy ,what I was thinking when mentioned to the Reiki Master working with me, and I said “feminine energy” that I needed to find someone to work with me and connect so purely to heal further, it was Empathy.
            Also, Colleen if you have a workbook in mind that could really be most beneficial to me ,I am open to suggestion. Otherwise, I will continue forward with your Mom CD and journaling that I used to write and even wanted to write a book of my own on PTSD and finding a way to write so more people understand and help those who feel misunderstood feel more embraced adn loved. When I then was out of a home, it was on back burner. I did read that these are the best times to write from the book you recommended, Dark shadow? or Dark Night? I read that and returned to Library. Great book with some really great accomplishments taht came from a Dark Nigh.
            I will keep close thought when I feel more settled. My mind need more rest before I can get clear thoughts flowing ,at least how i feel right now.
            Also, when I was divorced, the judge emphasized that if I do meet someone else that I take my time and not to follow same pattern , to break pattern of cold to warm hearted,nurturing ,loving ,connected partner. I was there alone at final hearing of divorce . I believe this healing is helping me to know God Love and what that Feels like in my Gut and to only follow a connection of this kind for my future relationships,that they be healthy and functional and purest and truest of Love
            Sorry if I babbled alot tonite, my mind is drained.
            Goodnite Colleen, Thank you so very much.

          • Sandra,
            You are not babbling…just working through a ton of stuff. You’re on a great path. I would stick with the Insight for Living stuff….there are so many amazing articles and resources for healing. And, when dealing with PTSD, it’s so great to have a wise therapist who can join you in the process of healing. It’s almost impossible to do it alone as we need another’s perspective because ours isn’t always the clearest. But you’re on the best track…way to go! So proud of you. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Thank you for all of your helpful guidance and support. I thought of what an impact that you have had with my growth process and how truly caring,supportive and resourceful you have been with me and this transition.
            I spent good part of day traveling to and from with Realtor,only one studio condo of a handful was in budget. The pro was I was willing to downsize further to what essentially is like a hotel room ,walking distance to shops/groceries and beach rigth across street down a long boardwalk. My second visit at tend of day left me with God seemingly making me aware of some issues as at doorway is elevator and maintenance room, when elevator going up and down it was making a very loud noise, and then around corner on other side of kitchen wall is recyling and a shoot for garbage from all four floors above .I thougth maybe why they had very strong deodorizer in unit and in hallway. The noise of elevator, as you now know me so well would be pretty tough for me. If I smelled garbage as vent right there and/or more bugs than normal, this woudl be uncomfortable . I will sit on it further as the plus is beach right there. It would not be the Dream cozy home feeling /setting inside if these other two issues distract and certainly for rigth now studio all I need, although no storage in unit, i would need keep a storage unit somewhere for belongings do not wish to sell and do not fit there. My feeling tonite on tired mind is that God may have provided me as I asked,another clear sign if it is not his will for me to land there.
            I feel back on track today Colleen, Thank you for your help so very much. It was interesting on drive there outside the 100 mile mark of where I live, Charles Swindoll,your Dad radio station appeared. It was not 89.7 Columbia, it was his talk show I think, i hearrd it this am and again tonite on way home repeat. There were other relighous speakers, I believe it was Insight for Living Ministries on the radio station. I also want to listen to your utube video of the interview with topic of anxiety. I will order your Mom CD tomorrow for certain. The resources that you have provided go so far above and beyond, the impact that you have had on me and my life journey following Christ is profound and wonderful. I feel that you will always be a part of me as the amazing Grace that helped me along the path to Christ. I listened to the radio station and other ministry speakers said it is not just United States,but other countries, China,etc where there is a lost generation amongst all .
            The Reiki Master told me jsut yesterday similar situation where someone on the Airforce Base locally complained there was a Manger on the base and it went to Washington, and it needed be removed and place in close proximity to a Church. This is what the radio station spoke mostly of and I felt if I am one more (unlike my giving in last nite to soicity often fierce opposition of living from the purest of hearts) I will continue to maybe build with the rest who believe as I believe.
            I feel I have scrambled some words again, it is simply mental exhaustion,however I know you understand me completely and wholeheartedly are with me.
            Have a good nite and a weekend of fulfilled Christmas joys of the season. Sharing from the Heart.
            I did realize when I wrote last nite,the Gift I am to realize is Christ . That is the biggest gift I have been given this season,and I will focus on this.
            Thank you so very much for following me here.I will keep you posted .

          • Hello Colleen, I needed to set a boundary with gal staying with. She has taken my openness and taken advantage of my pet sitting , on her way home from work,she goes shopping keeping me to take care of dog. no schedule to keep to,, I am feeling needed to set some limits and not be as open as I was with her. It is uncomfortable .
            I wonder what God will provide without any distraction of sorts in a home setting for me. I was so wiling to work with such small space and no real storage/pantry,etc. I know GOd has a Plan for me, I will continue to wait until he makes it known for Certain without any doubt what that is. I still need to call some of the counselor recommendations that you passed along to me, for one visit with my Psychologist is great,and I am Grateful for that hour,to continue on regular basis with someone I can afford to see routinely right now is truly as you mentioned would be helpful . It is a process to find someone as great as my Phychologist, she already had reduced her cost,although still 75.00 is alot for me to afford,esp if biweekly. I will keep you posted.
            Thank you for listening and walking beside me through all of this.
            Have a Great weekend

          • Sandra,
            I am just getting to my emails and notice you wrote a couple so I’ll read through and then send my response. From your note here, I would really encourage you to look up the book titled “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. There is a workbook that goes with it…both are fantastic!! More later. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, wow, you have been right on target with so many things you have mentioned, from ups and downs and to run to Christ for embrace and purest Love, and how when I moved back in with this gal I have been living with this month that some of the things may be crossed over to this time together,and yes this happened. It is diffu=icult to explain other than knowing her from when we lived in apartment near each other and my gut kept me from befriending her, when she spoke of stealing a set of antique shutters from side of road where antique store was clsoing,all being auctioned and they had left some things still outside, to other things that I felt her not being a genuine soul to have near me. We all have our stuff. It was wehn we both were leaving apartment and her boyfriend being deployed and her leaving to take care of townhome for another coupuloe, and her saying if I need anything to call her. When it did not work out with house contract as I anticipated and left without living space of my own, I finally called her before Thanskgiving as you are aware. My being so very open as you say like a wound with all instablity and discomfort I am expereincing, when I began to feel this gal increasingly expecting me to take on her responsibilites with a hint of I am not working ,so “assuming” me too open for her to consistently go beyond boundaries of expectations. When I said to myself I need to regain some of my space and time as I need to contineu my home search , not a live in nanny for her dog, morning ,noon and nite, often she began calling when going to see a show she had tickets for and stayed overnite,then the next nite called last minute and said sorry if inconvenienced my plans , to take out her dog. It happened again where I set the limits, I wrote her an email knowing I was supposed to go out of town to see Realtor and low on charger for phone, so before I left I let her know that I from now on will need to know for certain an arrangement that we agree to that I pencil in to my schedule for her dog care, that this works best for me. And that I would be out of twon all day. Well suddenly she was going out of town again for that nite and wanted me to call her to say if I will be back at nite. I decided not to make the call as I was with the Realtor and I had told her that I was not going to be available,and really did not want to get involved in her not taking responsiblity for a pet sitter or some other way to take out her dog. I felt I had made it clear in the email and honestly after driving the 2-3 hours each way that day I told her this because on top of that I knew I was mentally going to be challenged with potential of looking at 5-6 condos and beign consumed with my own personal issue of finding a place to call home,and truly knowing when I return all I have is me taking care of me and my energy would want to do just that when walk through the door.
            Well this morning I saw her for first time as she arrived home late last nite. I asked how she was doing. I knew she was not happy with me not being available to keep dog overnite care/walk,morning food,later walk,etc until follwoing nite, and I mentioned that I really need to know her schedule for Mon and Tues as I promised to take care of her dog those nites ahead of time when she is out of town. Okay, she did what she has been doing, leaving me limbo of now she is not sure if she is going to stay or cancel her Tues nite and just stay Mon nite,and on and on about not knowing if she will eave by noon,etc. So she never got what I was trying to say about structuring time so I am not left limbo with dog sitting and wodnering about taht.
            Well, she then took up conversation of we need to discuss money , I did not agree with what she wanted to split everything half as I do not use half, usually in bedroom, not even as much laundry,etc. So I bought up I was thinking my number was fair for the time I have watched her dog,that it would be a fair amount per week …not much less than what she was expecting. She had also been dishonest about not paying the couple she watches townshoue for and then trunign around a week ago and suddenly saying she paid hafl the rent after she perked her ears when I told her that other woman was going to discuss me paying if I stayed in her house in a room, maybe it would be 300-375 but I told this gal we had not gotten around to discussing. My instincts are always right,and I saw her eyes widden and she said “oh really, calculating what she was going to charge me to stay”, so that is when I began thinking I will need to bring up dog sitting if she pplay that card with me. And she did. So she literally asked me for the key back on the spot this morning as I was leaving to go volunteer at Wreaths Across America, which she showed no interest a week ago when I askded her to go along, even though her boyfriend is deployed. I on the spot took all my belongings out of the house and left. I made it to Wreaths across America and found the most delghtful hearts there,the chaplain could have not offered more approripriat speech, it was about “entitelment”, those that feel entitled to money, things and loose sight of all the rest. Those are my words, he was so well spoken and it hit a very pure cord in me that this is what my morning had just felt like. Yes, me and this gal shared words, nothing from me that was yelling, I kept telling her there is nothing more to discuss as she continued to try to explain why she is now paying them rent? I did tell her quite honestly that I thought she would have learned something from me,and that she is very self centered, that was heartfelt from me ,nothing terible and mean, simply my obserrvation of her getting hung up in what she can get without acknowlding what she sees open she continouesly calculates to take and loose her boundary of responsiblity and the sorry part is to have such expectations that others will do all for you for you opened your space to me. That is not the case, there still are boundaries,that is where my instinct form the last time I stayed with this gal was, wehn she every morning had been wanting me to take care of her stuff,
            I am so MOST GRATEFUL the one very True Friend/Reiki Master simply was not happy she did what she did,and more important he simply was there to offer the key for me to stay again in his office with shower. And he called immediately a client going overseas in military with taking his wife and chieldren,and they were wanting someone to stay here in their home. I am truly praying for this Colleen. If not, at this point, by Jan I will come up with a rental if need to by then. and if need put off buying for now .
            I AM SO VERY GRATEFUL for my Friend Reiki Master,and to be honest with you, The office is quiet and there is a little Christmas tree lit up and it is much more peaceeful than staying with this gal i did. No more her leaving dog to wine at bedroom door to go out back door by my bed versus her getting up to take her dog out front door. I will leave all this at exit,for she will learn from this, I specifically told her as I was leaving, what she need focus on is Having a really wonderful Christmas and sharing that time with her family, i looked her straight in the eyes and meant taht. I did say and good luck with getting someone to watch your dogs on Mond and Tues nite(That I aplogized for God would want me to have left with the genuine hope she would have a peacdul happy Christmas and life)
            I am very sorry for long very extended note, I wanted to update you. There is no wrong or right, I feel I am still being led, the Wreaths Across America focused on Jesus and the true meaning of life and Love that was the swing yet the other way of His Glory presented before me in Chaplain and an officer speaking of how Great the Love surrounding the choices Veterans have made to serve Thy Neighbor, Their friends .Honor was greatest Value presented, Honor they parents,thy wife, and many examples of what God provides.
            Okay, very soorry of this long note, There is the Greatest swing tonite that my Friend has provided me this quiet place again to rest until I, and even with his help figure out where I will go next.
            One last thing before this morning discussion,and her asking for key back for she was honestly not happy I did not take care of her dog that nite. That was all it was about for her.
            I had been on computer this morning before this finding exactly the scripture that I felt expressed what I wanted to write in Christmas card and I had found it, between what your Dad mentioned, God is undescribable, to The Fruit of all ,Love, Joy,Peace,Patience,Kinness,etc. as I gathered and found these to futher help me toward which I will choose as a written message inside card. I will recite exactly as written,sorry for my lack of memeory tonite. I genuinely felt filled with God presence. And you forewarned me of distractions. God is on my Side I believe wholeheartedly .
            Goodnite Colleen.

          • Sandra,
            It is interesting to note that when you feel at peace, there is a change in your tone when you write. It’s not a good/bad thing; an observation that reveals you need space, quietness, peace, kindness, and are able to get by on very little. What wonderful needs…so often, Jesus needed to get away and we find through the gospels that he did indeed take time to go to a quiet place for rest. In fact, as I was writing these words, Matthew 11 came to mind. I grabbed my bible and read Matt. 11:28-31-“Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” As you lean on Christ in every way, life will become more simple. How wonderful it is that you found Wreathes Across America, support from your Reiki master, and a place of quietness. The Lord is with you, Sandra. I am watching it happen…He is leading and caring for you in every way. Colleen

          • Thank You Colleen, The Lord is providing at every turn and I am Grateful. Thank you for the Boundaires workbook suggestion and Thank you so very much for this verse of Matthew.
            Thank you Colleen, Thank you so very much for Belieiving and Belieivng I am being led and cared for in every way.I too Believe this deep within myself and I feel as I am listening with every thing I have.

          • Hi Colleen , I hope you are feeling the embrace of your home during this season ,and this weekend.
            I wanted to let you know that I did order the CD set for moving beyond anger and your Mom testimony, look forward to receiving maybe this week.
            Today I also wanted to share, from prior post of a Nativity on miitary base having been removed from Lake side to be so many feet from a Church there on base….well, it has stirred alot as it was there for 30 years beside the Lake,most Grateful it was not entirely removed,and still many in newspaper voicing despair of country foundation being chiseled away. Today I passed by a protest and I joined them, Keep Christ in Christmas and I held a sign Joy and Truimph,honk for Jesus. They welcomed me and I wanted so much to stand with them in same Belief and understanding that if this continues,what that means for our country/generation of people.
            I most of all wanted to share that I shared with a few I spoke with in this Tea party that WMHK has Insight for Living, and i have heard Insight for Living out of town on the radio with exactly this message in lectures of wonderful speakers as your Dad, Charles Swindoll. I am invited to their group once a month. My thought was this is a great group that we can build on this cause as a team and even I can advocate to raise money for Insight for Living and find ways to expand this significant message and save our country.
            Nice day, somehow I still have individuals sayingt to me do I teach yoga, do i do yoga, then they say you have a smile and a positive energy. That was sweet to hear as you know from last post yesterday swing of pendulum sure was a swing,although tossed and turned all nite I feel I am getting better at keeping balance with those who really truly care to hold and/or catch me during these turbulent surprises,so still smiling and Beleiveing God has apurpose in all of this for me to see, He is Faithful and has been , I am ready for his surprise ending of maybe some dream come true, all I will wait for it is his will, jsut feel really ready.
            Thanks for listening and being out there.

          • Sandra,
            Great to read your note. That swinging of the pendulium….yes, it is part of growing and changing. Sometimes we are on one end and then SWISH….life seems to swing in another direction and we can become confused at the changes. All that to say, you are coming alive in many ways. As you do, it will be so easy to follow your feelings which can lead to confusion at times. All that to say, stick to the truth….enjoy the feelings of freedom and joy that come as you release bitterness and anger; let go of the negative emotions that tempt you to doubt and become discouraged. God’s word is the same yesterday, today, and forever; it leads us in peaceful rightousness which isn’t based on emotion but on the truth that only Christ is the solid foundation for life. It will be easy to get taken up in causes; some can be very good and directed by the Lord. In all things, stop and pray before choosing an action or direction. The Lord will lead and He will direct you in every way..again Proverbs 3:5-6. You are doing so great! Thanks for the updates. Colleen

          • Colleen, you know what I am going to read first tonite, Proverbs 3: 5-6! AND Matthew . your posts are a delight to me and I can only Pray Colleen that I will be able to offer what you have to me, to another soul. This post, your thoughts,words are all so understanding and capture exactly the status I feel I am in. Today when walkingt at park, I literally felt I was going to let myself fall to ground and bow on Earth to Christ, my body visually did just this. I prayed for his mercy to bring no more delay if at his will , for a home to be presented if it is his will, for I just wanted to bow in tears for this has been long trial of confusion,TRUST I have that God does have a plan and purpsoe for me.
            Thank you so very much for this post. I will read again later for it is most inspriing as always. The true essecne of what i am living at this very moemnt. And for your clarifaication of what is happening brings me such mental peace that this is what is happening,growth,change. Thank you for repeating so many things especially what is not based on emotions but on TRUTH, I am still grasping this concept in my life and I know you have reminded me a few times. I want to acknowledge and there may be another time it will be mentioned before I can truly feel what this means . As emoitons I have always worn on my sleeve, I have been told and I know myself to be so passitonate and expressive in feeling, althougt always inspired by Truth and Honesty.
            Thank you Colleen,

          • Hi Colleen, I so much wanted to sahre one more thing. There was some other work of Jesus that was really beautiful and something I have mentioned a little of before to you regarding a freind that was changing also becasue of changes occuring with Christ in me. This is the Reiki Master and he had been the last few times concerned someone in surrounding office will say soemthing to him as he has something in lease that I guess he did not want them to say he is subleasing? What I want to share is the woman in a near by office mentioned my car just after I had left the time before this and had began to stay with the other gal , this woman after hearing what he is doing to help me rest and have shelter and shower, she said to him how he is a good man and has done good and what is the right thing to do to help someone in need. He spoke of her as also a religious woman. It seemed to soften him with less worry of my staying here.This ws so clear to me to be the Lord work, for another right beside me, that I have prayed for to open to Love. God is so great!
            He certainly wants me to be in a better space for better health although he is hugely an Angel in how good he has been to me with this process, truly the only indivdual surrounding me physically that I can truly rely on like he is the family I have not had to watch my back and care this way about me, so I am most Greatful.
            And yes, I like how you caution me Colleen,with what is God driven way to support Christ. Thank you

          • Sandra,
            You are welcome. Let us both thank the Lord for His goodness and grace. He remains faithful in every way. Blessings tonight. Colleen


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          • I had not seen this post before bed, however Colleen we were so much on the same thought. I read through Proverb 3:5-6 and suddenly was reading a good part of multiple chapters and verses of Proverbs, so Loving of Lord and I will write again later when I have Bible in front of me, I marked off page that reminded me so much of your father and your relatiosnhip, a verse I thought immediately I wanted to share to let you know this sounded so much like you and your Dad.
            Have a great day, I will continue to pray and to become better at walking the Truth of God.

          • Sandra, I’m so glad you feel protected and secure. It is wonderful having someone believe in you and help you in such a time of need. Have a blessed night. Colleen

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          • Hello Colleen, you also have shed such comfort and inspiration in my heart. This individual present here has helped me over 8 years, through divorce, death of dog, and this past three years of swings and confusion in growth. Somehow everything is so okay when I feel this kind of Love, caring souls that want to help ,both of you are the two individuals that have had an impact on me, and how I will follow the Lord in this healing with belief I will be able to touch someone else life as you and Reiki Master have done so with me. What I have embraced from our correspondence has been the next level I had desired ,and so Blessed and Grateful that God has led me rigth to you for the soft energy and grace that you provide that has helped me so much in so many ways, and continues to .
            Thank you for your Kindness,and most genuine thoughts and pure intention. I am enjoying the walk with you toward Christ and I keep praying he recieve me on the other side of all this ,at his will ,I will be waiting for him
            Thank you for your note,

          • Sandra,
            It’s so good to hear you are feeling secure and cared for. Like we have talked about before, the Lord sometimes removes almost everything in our lives and then allows us to see His hand in building us back up in every way. There is no doubt that you are waiting on Him, depending on Him, seeking Him with everything you are, and calling on Him to meet your every need. And HE IS! These countless events are what we call upon when we face those mountains that are impossible to scale without Him. Just as He has been faithful to you thus far, He will continue to be. It is an honor to walk along side you and be a part of your growth. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Thank you! Ever since your post mentioning the Right Hand of the Lord, I often meditate when I walk outdoors that Almightly God is using his right hand upon my crown using healing energy and I can literally see his Right hand and see his presence with me, feel him so near when I am in this space and thinking of his presence so close. I am so very happy within to know that you have seen this with me, truly acknowledging with the greatest understanding,acceptance,emotional support with greatest of wisdom. Which leads me to tell you, thePsalms and Proverbs I read last nite included this one I mentioned reminded me so much of you and your Dad. Proverb 4, Wisdom is important. Both you and your Dad so much share this proverb.
            I wanted to share with you today, I was at Starbucks this mornign where I can use computer, and who appeared to be an injured military young man came in on cruches,very difficult time walking and holding self on crutches. He immediately went to restroom. I got up and gave the gal at the register 5.00 and asked her to tell him whatever he gets is paid for,and if any more money to let me know after he leaves. He accepted,and then came over and sat with me. We talked, He was actually with military in convoy when shot by Iraq military. This indivudal was a vendor being in convy althought 30 American soldiers were shot that day. I did it to be kind and I understood before even speaking with him what it took him to walk into the store with needs other than general society, so I could understand from my perspective of Social anxiety that this guy need be acknowledged for his effort to function the best he can. I was glad he accpeted. He did say he sat with me for my being sweet and smile and eyes that shine, although he did then want to extend a dinner date. I felt uncomfortable as I did not buy his tea with this type of acknowledgement in heart and mind. He seemed to want more and fast,when I refused giving my number and he much younger, and wanting what seemed something more, he said he will be my man. I declined him again, he seemed to have left sad.
            I was still very glad that I did what i did, for there are many indivudals that do not understand what kindness really is, and maybe he will be able to reflect that I did not want anything more to do this genuine act of kindness.
            Have a truly Blessed evening of quiet peace and joyful heart with your family ,
            Thank you for your genuine thoughts,

          • Sandra,
            What a gift you gave to that man…the gift of kindness without expectation. The power in that is profound; grace in action. We can’t know how another will respond to such thoughtfulness, all we are called to do is offer it when the Lord prompts us to…and that is what you did. He sounds very wounded…physically and emotionally…who wouldn’t be after all he has endured! Our world is so in need of pure kindness, of those who offer to help without a hidden agenda! It is God’s work to take our little efforts and turn them into stories of people’s lives; He just calls us to show up and remain available. I hope you are able to think of this and not be worried or concerned with his response. You are keeping your heart with mindful attention and God is using you to care…what other calling is higher than that! Thank you for sharing this and bless you for being such a tender soul. Colleen

          • you are such a sweet, sweet woman Colleen. Thank you for your kind words, as always you bring your heart to provide a sense of understanding and peace. I hope that you truly know that your posts bring a spark of light to me so very often, there are many times right now I do not feel I have alot left to carry me. I continue to be kind ,even more than ever it is becoming continous every where I go,I feel like I am paying attention what good can I do every where I am,no longer all tied up with what I am doing,or what anyone is thinking about me. and as you know I am striving to be better in Lords eyes. I may feel short of what he wants of me .I see so much being provided,and I am beyond Grateful. at the same time I begin to feel time passing so long and locating a place to live of my own not ready for me yet, and my self esteem lowers in my heart and soul. The Reiki Master I speak of noticed even though I had smile on my face the other day, he saw in my posture walking when he saw me that I am lowering my shoulders and I know he knows,although I said I simply have sadness within me alot lately that I know I am walking this way because I cannot carry anymore. He is keeping me aware of how to keep arms moving when i walk and upright in his kindness of knowing what I am feeling and how he can help with body /mind mechanics.
            I tell you this as your post brings me great joy and inspiriation at these times. No matter what you have remained with me in the timing that is intended.

            I was glad that I was able to think that I did something good with this man at Starbucks,I felt still very good about it even though he was confused with my gesture. although it has helped for you to clarify that not to worry as deep within I think I was thinking about it and not placing it right within me. I will welcome conversation if I see him again and like you have said maybe just by being myself this can help him in some way/awareness.
            I have had an instance where my Physchologist said in past the same idea with similar topic.I had been upset someone did not say Thank You to me for volunteering the year before last at Thanksgiving serving and cleaning /washing dishes at the end of nite, I just began doing without being directed after giving hot meal to anyone who came to shelter. She said the exact same thing,that it was the Love I gave in being there to help, and that is one more goodness added in world,and not about being Thanked,although nice to hear from those I volunteered with to serve community,it was not what was the valuable piece.
            I wanted to share also I sent the gal in Christian BOok store a Thank You card for the Bible she passed on to me at the store,one extra of her own ,she thought of me. She was really happy when I saw her today and said I recieved a nice Thank card at store in mail today. I feel like I have a friend there too.
            I have Dr. appt tomorrow morning.I am going to drive out of town to see if mountains call to me to live? I have been wanting to go for 3 years since my dog died, the mountains energy called to me with his passing. I will not have computer to be able to write until Late Friday again.
            Have the greatest weekend, just before Christmas, hard to believe.Time is passing too very fast .
            Enjoy your weekend with joy and peace.stay warm.

          • Sandra,
            When we are in the throws of change, we need others to ‘mirror’ what they see in us; clarity comes and goes from within. So to read that you are receiving very similar ‘messages’…responses of observation about your thoughtfulness, kindness, love, genuine care, some struggle with internal thinking habits, non-verbal’s such as posture…though I’ve never met the other’s you are in contact with, there is a consistent picture provided for you which reveals God is at work and you are changing. Your Reiki master obviously cares and is very aware, what a gift. And the new friend at the bookstore…then what you write to me…the message of your growth and dependence on Christ, the purity of heart, establishment of new and healthy boundaries, focus of your thoughts, choice to give without expectation….all represent you. It is so important that you take these thoughts and ‘hide them in your heart’. This is your belonging to Christ and intimacy with Him grows as He consistently reveals truth and life to you. If you were hearing different reflections, there would be concern. But you seem to be hearing from those who are carefully listening and observing, truths about your strength, gifts, and growth…what an amazing process to be connected to. Write down all you can; for when there are times of doubt, you will draw from these many little moments for hope and peace. Love hearing the update and will continue to lift you up to our faithful Father. I know He has a place for you to live; it’s a matter of time for that to be revealed. He has been faithful and will continue to be so find rest in that. You are a dear soul. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Goodnite .I will feel good rest in this tonite, that it is so much Truth of wonderful Blessings that God has been ever so Faithful. Thank you for your note, I have never lived anything what i am living today,never a growth this profound,powerful,amazing ,challenging, I feel so Blessed again to have you so near and certainly feeling the Lord presence more present. I want to say this morning I woke up literally envisioning in minds eye before opening eyes a horizon of Brightest Light and peacefulness with that image knowing that is what is waiting for me and it is so very near. I could literally feel it is there. I will be patient and wait on God guidannce. Thank you for helping with clarity of where i am standing,what I am learning,how i am growing, Thank you for the inspiring words and Great Faith that I admire and enjoy walking with someone as very special as you to continuously lead and lift me up to the most precious gift, our Faithful Father,Jesus and the Holy Spirit within us. Many Blessings your way,

          • Hello Colleen, I do hope you are well and your holiday season was filled with the heart of Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year. I believe my last post was that I would visit the mountains. I have not ever felt at such peace and at what I believed home would feel like as when I visited the most beautiful background of silent dark silouteete of mountains. They seem to speak to me. I visited a few differnet towns and Chamber of Commerce of one town remarkably had an indiviudal whose father owner another cabin avaialble for rent with option to buy, and the rent I have desired of 450/month, although all furnished and I will need to maintain my storage expense, unless I decide to buy cabin, then can bring all of my belongings there. Until then, I am moving Jan 20 3 – 3 1/2 hours west into NC from SC, just on the border but in NC. I will keep a SC po box to maintain my residence until I know for cewrtain if I want to stay there as much as I feel it suits me so very much at this time. The nature, hiking trails of scenic moutnain and waterfalls, music and the arts are available free for my interest and exposure to all I enjoy and have found that I will be so much a part of and surrounded by others just so much more like who I am. I wanted to give you update as this is all very emotioanl, at same time exciting for God has so much intended all this as it has so very much simply clicked into place, all that I need and perhaps all did not come into what I ‘wanted” where I live as I was to go elsewhere for more of what I enjoy and need.
            I will touch base once settled to let you know I am okay.
            I miss our chats on your blog and I do hope that you and your family are well.

          • Dear Sandra,
            Oh how wonderful it is to hear from you. I was beginning to wonder if you were okay; asking the Lord to keep you in his good care as you were moving along through the holidays. The mountains are some of the most magestic, healing, and peaceful places for many of us. God uses what is called his “natural revelation”… nature that reveals there is a created order and it is kept in order by our creator…God and father. I’m delighted to know He spoke to you through His work and brought you such peace. The cabin sounds wonderful; I will pray that works out as it should. It sounds promising, safe, and like what you have been looking for. As you can, keep me up to date and know I am praying for you continually. God’s peace and safety to you, friend. Colleen

          • you are as always the amazing most graceful lady to me. Thank You Colleen for continuing to keep me in thoguht and prayer. I so very much am Grateful, and pleased to know allof this. The mountains feel very special to me in this amazing way you describe, I can feel this. I believe my growth has provided me with a depth that can feel this,and I have a good feeling this will be good place for me and along with cabin,both have all I will need and more that will bring me joyful living which I have not felt in this way. Music, arts,pottery houses along the French Broad River not many miles from cabin, where potery is made and sold on display in these homes,sound of water all around where ever it seems I go. I am very soothed by the trickling sound of water,mulitple waterfalls surround cabin also on hiking trails. There is alos a little creek beside cabin so I will be able to hear sound of water set down a little from ground cabin sits on. I will keep you posted Colleen. There will be something to come from all this still, I believe as you and I had some long chats of there is something coming further beyond where I have been previous year. I feel curious, grateful for what is provided, truly knowing that this is the beginning of some very special moments,perhaps the best of my entire life on its way, with God Light,the Lantern at my feet to continue to guide me.I am so ready for a hot meal baked by myself on a stove I have not had in a while .hot water in tea kettle for tea in morning,to sip tea with sense of home and be able to truly feel I can make my home there is my every intention.
            I am so glad to chat with you again.

          • Sandra,
            What wonderful news…God’s natural revelation to you multiplied in abundance. The water, sounds, scents, and surroundings seem to bring so much healing for you; stay in that place. However, be cautious of unknown expectations…how many times I have been in a place of quietness or separation from relationships and only with the Lord; only to find there is a deeper loneliness that crept in and it was to be faced. That may or may not be your experience; but what God has led you to is for your continued development. Don’t run from the discomfort, should that come; but sit in it and ask the Lord to help you see His direction. So many of the desert Fathers wrote on this…that times of quietness gave room for further soul work which was not always the most pleasant of experiences. But our Lord is so faithful to place you in the center of His care, in the palm of His hand; so as to shape and form your spirit into the likeness of His. May you be ever blessed by where He has led. Colleen.

          • Hi Colleen, this is another amazing note. I do understand what you are saying as when I had been quiet for a while with writing, i had been able to drive to mountains and stay a few nites, the first time I went there and second visit I did find moments I felt this way. I am not sure there is anything I can do but what you say, as it is a feeling that this too shall pass, there were very low times just before Christmas when there the first time. I ended uup going to a free concert to divert my attention.When I came back to town where staying I had some hard moments of giving up. Upon my return to mountains for New Years, I found alot of nature and plenty to walk to in town that kept me so fulfilled,although the moment of lonliness still was present. The greatest thing I can do is remember what you have been so kind to share here and know that I am not alone, and keep God as close as I have and know all I guess I can do is feel that depth of soul and know that is what I am to be feeling even if it feels so painfully sad. I do believe the cabin will provide access to all the natual beauties you mention and that feed my soul in such the amazing way that I feel embraced by them in total Love of God creation and placement of me there,what feels like home to me. I will be keeping you posted. It is coming quick, I am scared a bit althoughthis time I truly feel good feelings of all there for me to live a better life and I can see that there is more there for me than any other place.
            I will keep you posted,and I Thank You for kind and thoughtful guidance.I will remember I am in the palm of God hand there, as he created and molded the universe to be so amazing ,mountains,river,creek,just amazing grace,and know he will continue to mold me as you say, to be more like him is no better higher gift of this life.

          • Hello Colleen, I wanted to say that I am so much looking forward to making a warm meal at stove,hot tea from my own kettle in am. The other two things I wanted to share,one being that I feel like I fit in when I have visited the mountains,and came across a gal in store who has boyfriend who teaches at not far Brevard College and offers tours of the waterfalls in area. She has offered to take me on one of these established tours to show me waterfalls. I am grateful for this and the magical wonders water and waterfalls,trickling sound bring to me and this is what I will for certain reach out to be near ,the element of water surrounding me there, for those times I feel like at that pit of stomach and wonder when I will be healed to have the relationship with another that God feels I am ready for in timing he so chooses. I believe it will happen in God timing. The atmostphere will heal me I believe for what then will come that God has so planned for me in greater sense of my life and living. The second part I wanted to share was that I will also be able to garden in yard,and Earth is what I always used to divert myself to when married and in marriage felt so very much alone, I loved digging and weeding even in the rain,or jsut after it had rained. This connection with water sounds and view will be what I will reach for in the times feeling this lonliness that probably will surface from time to time,esp until I feel more settled in. Antoher great aspect is the food offered in area is all foods I eat, I can get pasture raised eggs at a grill with kale and collards,just as I would ahve made at home if I wanted to step out one morning. I love food from Earth that God so provided, I am old fashioned this way, steam my own greens, like organic foods, eat ting for me like those did in dessert and other lands without stoves,etc, use of herbs,yet most basic ingredients,nothing processed is one of my greatest joys to savor flavors of this kind, the vitamins and minerals that I can feel instant is how I Thank God our Father for what he has provided. And for all that has been provided with this journey of guidance,I will also pray for he continue to keep me safe,comfortable and settled with much more joy than I could have ever imagined in my heart and soul with Jesus our Lord so near to me.
            Have a good evening, Thank you for your note and prayer.

          • Sandra,
            The mountains, water, garden, view, sights, and scents are incredibly nurturing to the soul. My pray is that God would expedite your healing and bring you to a place of utter peace and rest. How wonderful is that thought! Have a great night. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am here at cottage/cabin, whatever it is about all the above, I feel so at peace here. I had hot meal and I believe I am going to sleep well,ever so quiet and my mind feels at ease entirely. Maybe God was trying to gain my attention for the three years that I was looking where transplanted with x husband work and the famialiarity I was attached to more ,to find a home and stay even after divorce .This is where I put off going even when I felt a calling, I had thought many times it was too far to drive alone and in three years of feeling energy wanting to explore mountains,maybe I was literally given the opportunity where i had nothing to loose and more motivation to drive the distance with what is waiting for me next after all the struggling—haven felt like I was chasing my tail repeatedly where I was at.
            Thank you for note, I am happy have computer and land line phone here installed for first nite. I will keep you posted.
            How divine a plan for God to Love me so much as he does all, to bring me to feel the nurturing of surroundings and bring me healing from these things of nature.
            Goodnite, I will keep you posted as week goes on, for now I feel the closest to a home setting without it being my very own. It is rent to buy? good neighborhood, we will see.Thank you for your unwaivering care and being such a huge part in bringing me closer to God voice /word and what he is and has chosen for me to see and feel to heal me with greater sight of what is in store for me,my purpose,who I am, confidence,believing in myself,maybe finally stepping out of my own way to fully be led by Him.

          • Sandra,
            You sound wonderful. I’m thrilled the cabin is working out for you; that you feel peaceful and calm. I can hear it in your words….something more at rest than before. Anytime our personal environment is upset, it’s tough to relax so I’m thrilled this worked for you so smoothly. I will continue to pray for your healing. It’s always great to hear from you. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am glad that you can hear the peace and calm that this journey is bringing me. I can wholeheartedly say the mountains feel like part of my element of being. So embracing of my Soul, and God creation that leaves me in awe every time I take a glance in surroundings ,driving,walking,etc. I have been exploring area to see what is around me. The cold temps are brrrr. The cabin ,being a “cabin” has not real good regulated heat, some base board electtric heat, and bedroom has heating fan and bathroom a switch to turn on heat while in there. I have been pretty cold,nose cold, although it is so where I want to be. If I bought this cabin, I can see my changing the insulation,the windows so no drafts coming in and regulating the balance of heat much better for living more comfortable. For now, the owner will bring me a heater for floor to help out which is very kind. He and his wife are 80 and have a home up road that they use for second home. I will meet them tomorrow as they will stop by to introduce themselves and he need fix my bathroom sink not draining.
            There is so much good that I feel that outweighs some of the minor things, one being cabin has been closed up and not really lived in for about 5 years. So there have been allergies aggravated, I have been cleaning mildew off wood furniture and major dust,pet hair under bed and behind things, i have washed by hand the wood flooring as some mildew where appeared to be maybe a few dead mice deteriorated? that I did not like. and with now need to still wash off wooden kitchne set and then go back with half bleach and water to final step of all furntiute I have washed with soapy water including the wood panneling on walls I had washed with soapy water, I read online then need to go over with bleach /water to eliminate all the spores of mildrew/mold.
            I did not remember if I had mentioned this is fully furnished cabin, so I did also take some boxes of things here, but no closet, there is one hallway closet filled with owner belongings and linens i took off bed ,i placed in closet there. That is one thing that will bring me more comfort as well to ahve my belongings with me and not have the run back and forth to storage unit 3 1/2 hours away to balance out what i can have here….and the cost of storage I so much look forward to finalizing.
            God has a plan and this one seems divine so I am ever so patient in his Glorious way.
            None of this has taken me away, i would like more comfort and the cleaning will take me therer, and then see over the next few months if will pursue to buy,where God will lead me in this and/or to what is all in His Hands and I am open to receive His most Faithful purpose /will for me. I am very happy in Mountains Colleen, I really truly Love the setting.
            Thank you again as always for your kind words/thoughts. I look forward to giving you further update next week.
            Sandra,PS—Colleen, one other thing I wanted to mention was for over a year deep within my heart and soul I woudl talk to God and let him know how much I loved all His creation and the nature speaking to me and my feeling so close to what nature provides, and that I wished to live in a forrest amongst all the trees and beauty he created. I realized that prayer did come true, God placed me here on edge of Dupont Nat’l Forrest, to me that is just so cool. And safe neighborhood,and private very quieet space amongst the greatest beauty of Nature.
            Have a good nite and restful weekend.

          • Sandra,
            You sound wonderful…very peaceful and content. It seems the little things that need fixing are not getting in your way of enjoying what the Lord has provided. I’m absolutely thrilled for you. I would love to hear more as you settle in. Have a great evening. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Oh have things become so peculiar again. My allergies so bad that my face swollen and very congested. The neighbor stopped in this morning and they have another place they want to share with me, their conscience needed to approach me,as much as they would want me here, there are so many complicated issues, the septic old cinder block and seap into ground,and small and was told just outside window ,too close to house and if anything ever to happen to it the new code would never allow another on property,too close to house as the two creeks beside do not give you usuable space. ANd with creeks on each side and septic the moisture so bad under house,the floors are all wavy and moisture /mold is why last girl stayed her two weeks and needed to leave, allergies too great. That is how i am feeling,allergies so bad when spend more time as i did yesterday here and over into todya felt like going to weeze. There is a slough of other items they informed me of, and not even at 50 ,000 would they buy it, it is listed for 75K and I was told that owner wants it to be a house but literally only a summer cabin and they knew I woudl freeze in here because it is only a summercabin. This answers my question clearly, I will not be buying this cabin….Colleen, as Grateful as I see the neighbbor being so honest to me, I feel awful and so very discouraged again, Why is it so diffficult for me to locate a living space that is suitable for me,and good to buy> I will see what neighbor has in mind to share with me.Right now hoenstly, I feel need to find another place for allergy/mold concern of this isusue. I will need to write agin later to update. In owner also not being upfront with me and I again am truly beside myse in world is God leadineed to feel so setjsut through mice/rat killer under e so get any pests out of walls so i will not see. He claimed that they are here and liable to see one run acrsooss floor and understands that i would not want this and was so kind to this under house to rid issue of seeing any
            Thank you COlleen, I sure wish I could have the understanding that you have in life with God.

          • Sandra,
            Oh my…I bet you are discouraged. There is no way you could have known about the allergies and other issues so the challenges are not of your doing. It is disappointing when we have been as careful as possible, only to find something not work out. The good news is…this is life. It’s not that stuff won’t happen, it’s that it will happen all the time and learning how to cope is so critical to our development. From what you have told me, coping may be tough for a while because you are also healing and trying to do both is extremely hard. This is why most who are in the ‘thick of things’ as you are…searching for a place to live, work, trying to settle PLUS working on changing long standing patterns of thinking and behaving…it’s going to feel overwhelming at times. Clearly, you can’t stay in a place that has mold and toxic-like irritants; that would defeat the purpose of what you are trying to do which is simplify, heal, listen, learn, and change thinking patterns. It’s very important to remember here that life challenges are designed to grow us…when people pray for growth and God provides opportunities for us to grow, we often get irritated with the very things that He is using to help us change. Hope that makes sense. So, this is a fantastic opportunity to learn so many things. How are you going to think about it all? By replacing the thoughts that get you down with thoughts that open you up to see options. You can do this! Stop and pray before moving forward… “Lord, I need your eyes and your wisdom to guide me through this _____; today it’s trying to find a place to live, so I ask you to help me think on what is right and good and true, help me to see you are at work and none of this time is wasted but providing for me the chance to depend on you fully. So I ask you, Lord, to help me move through today, replacing my immediate negative thoughts with what options do I have and how should I move forward. In Jesus name, Amen”. Okay, every time you have a defeating thought…why did this happen, what did I do wrong, how come…, what if…..?????? Stop and pray like that. Invite the Lord into every moment as you go through the day. Ask Him to calm your fears, to guide you, to show you what is next. Then wait as He works. With Christ at the center of our lives, everything we encounter can go into a conversation with Him, seeking direction and peace. Let me know if you have questions….this exercise will get easier the more you practice it. Stay in touch. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, you are one of the Greatest human beings I have come to know, your Graceful approach of God consciousness, sharing this experience of walking with God so near to your heart and ever so effortlessly reaching out to help others in such soft profound comforting words/thoughts that I and I know all others on your blog and your family and friends at home too, all feel such a loving acceptance and embrace that feels so nurturing and understood.
            Thank you for all your time and patience for me and all the other individuals that i know you communicate with that are aslo in need of this level of support and guidance of how to be closer to God in a journey called LIfe.
            I wanted to let you know I am leaving this cabin tomrow as long as weather permits,today snowing for first time i have seen in long time ,on top of mountain here supposed to get 2-3 inches although to me looks more like 4 . I wanted to let you know that the neighbor here is keeping an ear open for me ,and the gal that rented here in a summer time for 6 weeks, she spoke only to the neighbors aobut her allergies killing her here and the house had too many issues to stay,she never spoke to owner about these things. Well, this gal had a rental 35 minutes from here ,I am awaiting negihbors to see if they were able to get in touch with her as they all keep in touch like a family. The neighbors here are so great, I wish this cabin did work out for the saftey of living near yet enough privacy and the greatest caring neighbors I had met in my time. This gal had rental with garage and they claimed really nice in safe little nice community, and i would be able to walk everywhere as not up on top of mountain like here, and it is a bit busier? I said I was interested in finding out if she would rent/show it to me. I was hoping to see before left,but not so far, I can drive back and have a few places even to explore. Neighbors have my number and asked if okay to pass on to this gal. They said she paid 500/mo and had all utilites included. That sounds great….I will keep you posted, this gal married and is moving her belongings out and that is why neighbor thought, maybe she is going to want to rent it out to someone,and timing is good for she moving out.
            and I need a space as this sounds. This also would allow me to get all storage out and keep some things in a garage. I will keep you psoted. I keep the prayer above handy and all of your support got me back on track along with a friend from where I am returning to stay in the office he owns and a brother i have had been calling me recently and being very understanding as well. So I feel good about all this, and this support helps me feel I am so very much on the path intended by God and this was a trial , I knew I was feeling it out, a stepping stone to the mountains, as this is truly where i desire to live,now to land somewhere much more permanent ,at least until i meet someone and remarry, and even then maybe keep as a rental or see at that time what God intends is key.
            Thank you ,I do not believe you have snow in Texas, stay warm as it is winter and I guess winter is cold nites there,
            Thank you Colleen for being there,

          • Hello again Colleen, I am feelling discouraged again, I recited the prayer above that you so gracefully worded to the Lord our God as a prayer to help me speak so openly and specific to my needs, as I know God is already aware, this opens up our communication to hear what is next step for helping me see my options.
            The rental was not available, gal using with her husband as closer to his work. And neighbor gave me another lead from newspaper ad, i contacted indivudual, it sounded very much like this situation,,,maybe minus allergies,although never rented in winter, well/pump —electric. The owner was unfriendly and abrupt with me in that he could not tell me average cost of electric and insisted his water was free although the pump is electric. So when I asked what cost for electric ,he said I do not know,we never reneted in winter, all the time talking with me I sensed this is another landlord that is not someone I desire to rent from. He was condensending in his manner when I inquired for more if these landlords are all about the income, and not about caring to have a good tenant who will take interest in the place like it were own. It is beautiful wood floor studio with big windowns is all this individual was interested in sharing, otherwise i seemed to waste his time. I told him Sir, details are important especially if I am paying utilities, that would be something I need to know. I finally decided,no this is not for me,and look further to find a home elsewhere.
            Colleen,it appears that many of the “cabin” type cottage homes for rent are much like “summer” homes. The gal from telephone company when I scheduled disconnect told me many up here on mountain are only summer homes,and not intended for winter use, so usulally winterized and left closed until summer, preventing all the well pump running due to need to run water all nite and day in temps lower than 30. I will pray the prayer again,as I feel sad. The option open to me once again is my true friend where I am going back to stay in his office, i will look at a house for sale on way, an hour toward where I go back to for now.
            Goodnite Colleen, I will keep you posted.

          • Sandra,
            Oh my…I am so sorry….so sorry about all of this. You are doing everything right. You are asking the right questions, seeking the right information, and NOT wasting anyone’s time. The one who was abrupt or rude wasted your time as you treated him kindly and there was no interest on his part to do the same. He’s not worth any of your good time. I don’t have the answer for you except to say I’m thrilled your friend is near and is helping. It clearly says he respectfully cares in an honest and honorable way; something that will be healing in this time even if it seems like this waiting is a waste of time. It’s not. You are responding exactly as anyone would…actually….better. You are evaluating your options, not getting stuck, allowing your feelings to have a voice but not make your decisions for you, thinking about what the next step may be, and in all you are praying, praying, praying. There is no voice that the Lord doesn’t hear; He is hearing yours. For whatever reason, He is asking you to wait and you are waiting very well. Yes, keep me posted. You are a treasure! Colleen


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          • Hello Colleen, You are the Treasure! that is how I feel tonite reading your note and as I read every reply you offer me with such real human kindness and genuine character of God. I feel really Blessed to have found your Blog. And I so much am glad that you are so very understanding, whatever the wait is for, there has to be a end of this meantime behind my tears off and on all day, I am so gratreful and feel what you have mentioend above that is so healing in how the neighbor, both husband and wife there were the highlight in addition to the Peace I feel of Natural surroundings of Mountains all around me. I just arrived back to office to sleep , and there was a snow storm where coming from on the mountain top and as I packed my car this morning, the kind neighbor stopped over and was so concerned for me and hated that it turned out the way it did and how it just was not to be rented in winter and all the issues I had mentioned earlier note, he said his wife thought oh shedoes not have tv over there is why she does not know how bad roads are ….so he thought to come over and offer to take me down road in 4 wheel drive to show me and then I could decide if could get my little car without 4 wehlle drive down montain. He took earlier morning his wife to work and before that called Sheriff and was told all solid ice in entire county as all workers were sent off to GA ,further south where so many stranded on road side for entire nite. So he was real concerned for me. We drove down and out to main road that takes you down off mountain top and he was happy that it was wet and slushy,no more solid ice, and thought if we could get me off road that takes to house,then I will beokay. Well, he put chains in back of his truck when we returned to house and said he will follow me out to be sure I am okay and if I got stuck ,then he will pull me out. Well I made it all the way to the road and to main road, and here safe now 3 1/2 hours away. The Greatest Gift Colleen was exactly what you said in note, Tremeddous feeling of kidness that warmed my very soul. I miss them already, and we all thought it was too bad house was a lemon because we all would love to be neighbors. They said I can come back to see them, and they have my number, the wife returned my call tonite and wanted to let me know that they will keep ears open and for me to let them know if I find a place near in mountains. I said I would be up in another week as whatever it is there, I cannot stay away, it feels righrt and true like you told me God will bring me in my prayer of a livign space and what is clearly right and true. Now I have an area I can focus and go back and loook at a few places and I have some really new friends I feel good about and they too will call me if a lving space comes by them that suits my financial and need for safe area.
            I will reread you r note Colleen as I am doing all I can to stay positive, feel kind of humiliated with all boxes in car coming back to put in storage. Something good is coming and next space I will not look for furnsihed, I will pray that it be a final landing space and have all my belongins with me, it is on its way. I am so happy I did locate the mountain space as a very good fit, minus the individuals who spoke so poorly to me, that still hurts. I do so very much appreciate your acknowelding my feelings and I did get angry ,I jsut did not let them know it, I did feel very angry like needed a punching bag this morning with so many of these situations at once again, I am glad for all the support emoitoanlly that I have now from those who really do care, this feels very soothing.Thank you so much again for your comforting note. I will keep praying the prayer you wrote me the other nite,and I will read the Bible tomorrow, I think a Psalm will bring me that gutteral fulfillment I am in need of,something beautiful and knwoing that exists, Beauty and Grace in the Hightrest Love and Light of God.

          • Sandra,
            Two things…one, I’m glad to know you felt angry at the way you were treated. That’s a great thing! If you don’t have a punching bag, use the bed or mattress. When you have not learned how to guide your anger or have had to bottle it up for years, it can come out like crazy and in hurtful ways towards you and/or others. It sounds like you have great control of that but a punching bag or the like is helpful for many of us who have the additional energy and just need to get it out. We use our punching bag in the garage a lot…especially because my son with disabilities has been bullied; he’s learning how to use his anger in the right direction…and it’s quite a workout. Next, there is no reason to be humiliated; although I understand how that can be part of your emotions. You set out on a course with as much info as anyone could have known and were totally surprised…I was too. So the fact that you have a few things in boxes is part of the deal…it’s okay. It’s a hassle for sure but you could have never known what was not told to you so you are carrying on as best you can…and I’ll say in quite an amazing way. Who knows if some of your story has been read by others here and is becoming a help and hope for them…you and I may never know but there is a purpose and we have to cling to that truth when times are really rough. So stay the course, stay warm…wonderful that you were very taken care of to get down the mountain…who knows but the couple may have been very touched by your life in just those few moments or days. We just never know how God uses us; BUT, HE DOES and that is what matters and why we keep our hearts open. He is at work! Colleen

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          • Hello Colleen, I am reciting the prayer you forwarded, and today seemed like waiting was creating somewhat of a lost feeling. I am most grateful I have this place to come to stay when in such need, a true friend that takes me in here. I do feel I keep my head down as most would not truly understand how or why someone would need to stay in an office, when my friend said it is better than letting someone stay in their car. He really has been such a good friend to look out for me. That alone is grounding today and to feel wwarm in this space is relaxing/comforting. I do feel what your son feels in the way, other individuals that even give me a look of I do not meet their standard of wearing fashion boots this winter versus sneakers or how those that talk to me in condesending way as I mentioned, from your note I nknow your son could not have a better mother, and he is able to feel /express himself in a supportive ever so loving home ,this is an amazing grace.Thank you as always for sharing and keeping me as positive and validating that God is at work, and I will learn what to do next, where my next living space will present itself will appear. And what a great thought for others may be able to understand others feelings and follow Gods work as we write through this mysterious journey on your blog.I look forward to writing what it is that God has had me wait this long for? and share on your blog for others to have the hope that I so seeked out on your blog, and how much my story can help another truly believe by hearing where I was led by the Grace of God.
            Thank you Colleen, I will keep you posted and keep my thoughts on this positive even if it all feels so mixed up at times/confusing/off balance during this recetn change and to wait frther. That is Faith for sure, I have to believe and heart open to hear God wisdom and guidance for what is next and believe that something really good is on its way,as you say He is at work .and yes, I feel good about the connection with the neighbors inmountains. I believe there was a reason for our connection there, and curious if we remain in touch and also if they do hear of something that suites my needs for living space in muntains tthat they will call me as they expressed to me they would.
            Goodnite Now

          • Hello Colleen, I feel like I am unraveling today ,cannot seem to get my grounding .I feellike life spinning. The mess it feels is like how did all this happen, like you said I have made choices that were real and true,and listened to my guidance,waht I felt was where beng led. I did not sleep well last nite and if get the rest that my heart and mind need, I feel I will be okay, there is no where to go but where I am to wait until something presents itself, I made contacts ,one said she will keep an eye out for me in mountains,and another on vacation from Chamber of Commerce until end of Feb ,beginning of March.
            I nknow deep within tomorrow will be a brighter day.I will continue saying the prayer to God that you so carefully and kindly wrote for me to recite when not feeling positive about situation.
            Thankyou for being there,
            SandraHave a Good God Blessed Weekend

          • Hello again Colleen, not to sound so dramatic, I need think that there are so many other individuals that have had much more shocking unpredictable events occur. My heart goes to those victims of Boston bombing, they were out doing something healhty and for a good cause and hobby enujoyed in running, and some lost legs,arms,I can only imagine the shock and the “like what happened” questions,that curtailed their lives not to be as they believed it was going that day, and how they needed to cope in a much more powerful way to get beyond to the next days of their lives. I know that is way more traumatic than what happening with me, the feeling I can understand,I am sure anger, and to pick up where that day left them,and move forward no matter how challenging it felt, one must continue forward.
            I appreciate your blog so I can express myself , I do look forward to the day that I can say what all waiting was to bring,for all others hope and my whole wellness.

          • Sandra,
            I do see you have written a couple of times…I’m going to read these and get back to you so there are not too many emails coming to you all at once. I’m thinking of you and praying for you today. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I feel I need be a voice here. This is how Realtor(s) have treated me since Jan, and the owner of cabin is retired Realtor. The truth I want to bring forth , at least to you, a few others have seen . The neighbor of cabin told me owner in denial and cabin not to be rented in winter, he strongly a few times suggested for me to contact DHEC ,instead I wrote the owner a final note ,my brother had shown interest and he and his wife read it before I emailed owner and felt it was simple facts of condition of house, etc. I am not sure what i am to learn from all this, I do feel it is what the neighbor and freind told me, this is discrimination of my being a woman? I am really not sure,but it seems I have had my share this year of others not being able to accept the truth.
            This is correspondence to share.The neighbors told me this man never would show this side to them,and they have not ever seen this side. I know it is alot of reading, awareness is key to how denial and anger can be forceful. This man ought to know better speaking to me in this way, he is 81 years of age. Reading begins at bottom to top. It is not the first time during my stay that he was addressing me as he did in these emails. Sandra

            SAndra you are DEAD WRONG. I did not and I repeat did not misrepresent the little place to you. You were in the area and I asked that you go see it and determine if it was for you. YOU made that decision after seeing the place. As I told you we had a lady there for six weeks that loved the place. She has a Phd in pharmacy and it seemed clean enough for her and we never had a single complaint from her.
            You stated to me that the house was drafty and you couldn’t get warm when I was there last Saturday. I was so hot in there at the time I was about to get nauseated.
            You are probably the only person in the world that would say the place is not clean. I am quite sure you are the only one in the world that would say it is drafty. You told me the shower would come on at night, waking you up from sleep and thought the valve needed replacing although it is practically new.
            Until this message from you I felt sorry for you but now see that you are not the person I thought you were.
            But, on this end nothing has changed. I will still send you your check for the February rent, but since you have taken such an attitude
            I might wait until I see how you want to handle the electric bill for 10 days.
            You mention it isnt’ a place for winter rental as the pipes freeze every year. That simply is not fact. Before we had rebuilt the cabin the water froze one time. We have been there for eleven years and this is by far the coldest winter in those years. Our new house there has frozen pipes more often and they were frozen when we arrived on Saturday. I don’t know why I am wasting my breath on you as I know you will not believe any of this.
            About your telling me the pump was running constantly, you said it was because of a very slow drip in the kitchen faucet. I did tell you that was not enough to cause the pump to constantly run. I immediately went out, checked the pump and found where a pipe had frozen. I came right back to you, told you the problem and that I would have it fixed. I called the well company and by your admission it was repaired by 10:00 o’clock the next morning.
            You are flat out lying about mold and mildew. There is none and when you went into the house the heat had been on low for over a month with no one being in the house, so it might have been a little musty. BUT there is no mold or mildew and the house is NOT damp. Oh, don’t forget I have the shower curtain and there was maybe an eight of an inch of stain on the very bottom of the curtain. Apparently you have never seen that before. Another thing you might not have noticed but God surely must have known and that is it is damp in the mountains -all over. It is something you have to fight and we have done an excellent job of doing that to protect our investment in the little house.
            One last thing, I didn’t invite you there, I didn’t ask that you move there, I did not try to talk you into moving in. So please don’t blame me for your decision to “move” to the mountains
            where God had led you. Obviously God must have had on blinders for Him to lead you to such a sorry place.
            You know Sandra had this been written without so much bitterness and lies, I would have easily forgiven the electric bill. I thought my note to you was very conciliatory, and I expressed my sympathy that things had not worked out for you. After this diatribe, I feel totally different. Please send me $20.00 and I will have your check in the mail and be rid of the worst experience that I have had.
            —–Original Message—–
            Sent: Thu, Jan 30, 2014 8:00 pm
            Subject: RE: shower drip and well
            Jim, yes, it has been a huge inconvenience and loss on my end, for I have traveled the distance of
            3 1/2 hours with car packed to find that what you had identified in the living conditions of cabin to be false. The installation cost I incrued for a telephone land line and computer service for 9 days was a loss as well.

            When I arrived to the cabin, I found it was not prepared for me. My findings were that it was needing an extensive cleaning with dead decayed mice/rat on floors,mildew on paneling and all furntiture, shower curtain mold up about 6 inches from the bottom, pet hair, rodent droppings and dust beneath bed and behind all furniture and found that my allergies from dust, moisture issue with severe mold growth and odor has cost me discomfort of my own health.

            In regard to the electric, the conversation that we had prior to my verbal agreement to rent this cabin was an important detail of what I agreed to and why. When I asked how much is the electric bill, you said flat out that the other gal who rented paid 52.00/month, and depending on what temperature I placed heat on, that it would be “slightly” higher in cost per month as it is the winter season. I requested the a/c units be removed prior to my renting and you denied it causing any draft. I was reassured that this was a “tight” “toasty” cabin space and when I asked you how well the cabin retains heat, you confirmed, oh, absolutely a tight house, and when your brother stayed there the temperature was only a need to be set low, about 60 degrees before it cranked up to a nice and toasty space.

            When I arrived I was asked to run water continously in both kitchen sink and bathroom shower, to run the kitchen sink in a heavier flow not a drip, all when the temperatures went below 30 degrees. I did this without any knowledge of a well pump being electric. And when I mentioned it was running continously, you brushed off my claim to later find it had a frozen pipe and water had been running continously in the well for days. The Plumber is who kindly educated me that if the water continued to run that the pump is electric and the bill would be sky high.

            The cabin is in my finding only a summer living space. It is not a winter living space to be rented during cold weather, but to be winterized for the pipe will naturally freeze each and every year. It is not intended for a winter living space. The insulation and the heating system are not satisfactory nor regulated throughout for the type of warmth and comfort that I am sure DHEC would mandate for a winter rental. When I spoke to you that I was freezing cold, you again brushed me off, and further saying in a mocking manner that “if 50 people came into this cabin, 45 would say it was toasty”. and you thought that was funny, with comment that have I always been cold.

            At the electric cost of 52.00/month as you informed me with verbal agreement to rent, with slight difference added being winter as you say, I claim I would owe you 21.77 for electricity. I will leave that up to you if you want me to mail you a check in this amount of 21.77 for 9 Days, I will do so, or with my inconvenience and losses by moving to a place that was misrepresented, and with bogus details, perhaps you will just write off this cost and move forward.


            Subject: Re: shower drip and well
            Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 18:48:10 -0500
            Sandra, I will do that. I am sorry you had so much trouble with the cabin.
            I know it was a terrible inconvenience for you to move there and it not work out.
            I am truly sorry.
            Sandra you will owe for the electricity from the 20- through today the 29th.
            How would you like to handle that?
            We will close the cabin for the rest of the winter and not have to worry about things until spring.
            —–Original Message—–
            Sent: Wed, Jan 29, 2014 9:56 am
            Subject: RE: shower drip and well
            Hello Jim, I am leaving cabin this morning. I will hand the keys to Danny as I leave.

            As per your email below, where you had stated that you would not deposit my check; I would rather have it mailed to me so I can discard. Please go ahead and forward the check for Feb rent to the following address
            Thank you

            Subject: Re: shower drip and well
            Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 11:34:46 -0500
            Sandra, I have given it much thought.
            It might be best if you found someplace else. I don’t believe you will ever be happy
            there. We had another renter for six weeks and never had a single complaint.
            I can’t imagine the “master valve” needs replacing as it has hardly been used. Can it be that you don’t have it turned all the way off?
            I know we have an issue with the well. It has been record breaking cold and there is nothing I can do about that except fix the problems,
            which I am doing.
            This is a little inexpensive house, the rent is cheap. It isn’t suitable for everybody. Some will want more than it can deliver.
            Sandra, I am not asking you to move but I do believe you will be happier someplace else.
            If you decide to move and are out by the first, I will not deposit your check.
            Please let me know what you think.
            —–Original Message—–
            Sent: Mon, Jan 27, 2014 11:09 am
            Subject: RE: shower drip and well
            you may need to send out a plumber for shower issue.
            Thank you

            Subject: Re: shower drip and well
            From: Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 10:39:22 -0500
            I know Sandra. I am doing all that I can.
            —–Original Message—–
            Sent: Mon, Jan 27, 2014 10:16 am
            Subject: shower drip and well
            Hi Jim, The shower has become worse with dripping all nite off an on , i believe main valve need to be replaced as the pressure builds up with water and then release water awakening me during sleep and continues to be issue during day,continously throughout day.

            The individual came out to repair well, I know he said he will call you to update. He did mention that the pump running continously will bring the electric bill up substantially.

            Thank you
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          • Hi Colleen, wow! I had to share this with you. I called the apartment that I had just mentioned to you in previous post with update of how feeling and this finding in good location/and price! I looked again and began excitement for it was even better location than thought. I called and inquired if the studio 623 sq feet was as listed on website for 457.00/mo,some utilites included. SHE EXCLAIMED NO THE WEBSITE WAS “HACKED” AND THAT STUDIO IS 779.00/MONTH! Hacked!!!! How bizarre is that, not sure I believe ,I simply think like everywhere else and where I was before for 3 years and why this entire search began, all were hijacked all right by increased rents by 200.00. I see God does not want me there either. So back to spending more time trying to feel God’sGuidance to waht IS NEXT?
            Thank you for listtening and following this what is teribly challenging time/situaiotn for me

          • Sandra,
            Please read again and again what I just sent. Neither of us know what the Lord is up to…just as He asked Job over 170 questions at the end of Job which revealed how far we are from comprehending the ways and will of God…He is allowing all of this for a reason. We may never know. You have to be okay with not knowing…with not having a plan…with not self protecting. GOD has to be your total protection and He will because HE promises to be. So cling to Him wherever you are, in whatever condition…cling, cling, cling. Choose to believe and wait. Let go of all you have ‘thought’ would be…just let it all go. The mountains, the apartments, the hotels, the whatever…for HE promises to provide and that often comes in ways we will never understand or expect. Let me know how you are doing. You are loved and you will make it through. Colleen

          • Okay, I will do this. You were right way back when you told me soemthing to effect of the feelings are just feelings, this is all new and what is happening may feel uncomfortable for me, I will adjust and it will become easier for me. This all brings a sickness to my stomach of what I am not used to doing,so the “feeling” of discomfort of my security, cofmort zone I need finally liet go and if I throw up so be it, I would ahve to bet that just maybe I am right to belive I will feel like I will in intense way, but I am not going to yet become more cofmrotable with leting go of all I thought would be,etc.
            Thank You again Colleen, Thank you for being such a Loving Caring Soul, you are truly Blessed and A Blessing
            Thank you again for ntoes, I will be re-reading Job this weekend, I ahve difficulty understanding the questioning while reading, for me it is hard read, I will prevail and find it again to read through…and I finally received teh Insight for Living Testimnial of your mother, just arrived, first one I had ordered wrong CD,this time have recieved correct one seeking.And I am sorry, for I thought I Believed stronger than this episode of emotin/”feelings”,etc, I just could not see anything anymore ,as if my life was over. I do so very much understand what you have written and emphasized,and I know what I need to do while waiting on the Lord.Just be,and Listen,and LEt go will be greatest growth for me,and cling,cling, cling,as I feel I have literally been doing the past few days, literally clinging on Lord to show me a sign,that I have not lost my mind and He is close and very much a GOOD Soverign God with me, I hate that I would ahve thought anything different.
            With a Dear Heart,to someone with a Greater Heart to inspire my very Soul.

          • Sandra,
            How are you tonight? I’m so very delighted to hear from you!!! The questions in Job were not for Job to answer; they were to highlight the truth that in our human condition, there is no way we can understand the ways and will of God…but that we are to trust HIM implicitally. If you notice, the final chapters of Job reveal Job saying he did not know and could not know God’s ways and therefore he would simply trust. It seems humans make simple trust complicated because we either want comfort or control. Neither work for only GOD knows all time, all events from beginning to end. Yes, God’s ways are not usually comfortable because they go against our human condition which is one of wanting to manage our own security and comfort. It can be terrifying to let go; from what I read, that is what God is calling you to do. And Sandra, you are doing it! Remember, you are choosing each day; sometimes moment by moment we have to choose to let go…it’s the hardest thing at times and the enemy loves for us to cling to our self reliance rather than God’s. But you are choosing God and that can only result in His blessing in His time. Let me know how you are doing and know I am praying for you daily. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I had just been crying with an overwhelming moment and glad to find your note. I am grateful for what you have written, I did read Job this weekend. The one question I have maybe you can explain for my understanding better,is why would God agree with Satan to remove all that Job so Loved? I am sorry if I am not understanding as well from reading. I was glad that you reminded me of this,and this all seems to apply so well.
            I was crying jsut now as I have been doing all I know to stabilize myself to think clearly,and I have not found that spark of spirit to regain such, and with God speaking to me, I wanted to wait until I hear his word again before acting on any moving again. My friend/Reiki Master who provides this office space seems to be very concerned for my seemingly more depressed lately and understandably with all going on, and my eatting cold food he seemed very direct in telling me I am going to get sick,my immune system will be compromised,it is not designed to continue living as I am with eattting without kitchen /warm meals and lack of stability now for a good 4 ,mounths. Here I am grateful for someone is so caring ,at same time I am trying to tell him I am waiting for God answer for what is my next step,although I feel my friend force is to “make something happen” before I get sick,he is concerned I have nobody to take care of me,etc, just me and I need God to provide answer before I can do any more moving, for I need it to be a stable move this time,one solid choice. I apologize if I sound scattered here. I am feeling overwhelmed for I have always taken good care of myself, I bleieve also God does have a plan and I want to hear his call on my next step. ..I do not wish for me to become sick Colleen. I will Trust that God plan is going to show itself….sometimes the force of others around me and their need to find some kind of control creates more anxiety for me in working thought this process I guess is what seems to be happpening.
            I have three thougthts/ideas taht I do not wish to act on until God answers me with what to do next……one idea is jsut rent something inexpensive here where have lived for 8 years and bring all storage belongings with intent to stay for 6 month lease and stablizle where familiar and look to see where God leads me, if he so leads me to mountains where I was so at Peace and food availbel wonderful for me, or if that is not where Fate has me going, then werhe? or to move back to mountains,rent someplace for 6 months and leave some storage or take all as well with me and take that chance that I will stay to find a place to maybe buy there? I know you can see how unstable I am right now by probably the way I am writing, and why I need God answer to be sure it is True and right for me by God will and where I am to be for more length of settling time.
            I will keep you posted .I am open to your knoweldge and wisdome with all this .
            Thank you Colleen so much for caring,and I have read the last few notes again and again and am happy you encouraged the reading of Job.
            Thank you

          • Hello Colleen, I did not know if you had received the reply from last week, perhaps I did not click on it for sending? I wanted you to know I did reply. I am having a challenging time mentally right now ,clinging as you say to God and Beleiving this all will pass to rejoice at the end of this living situation. I may need get an apartment again with lease ,my soul so much needed to connect with Earth for in my hands in my own garden,and I wanted so badly to enjoy this as therapy outside of apartment living, will see what next week brings in my search. I had check affordabl e housing in the moutnain area,and a 5 year waiting list, I am working on where can live in one week time for I am grateful for this office shelter, I so much miss the hot meals I cook, and feeling what I want to say is normal and stable.
            I am very sad hearted these days, I am most grateful to know there are prayers from those like you Colleen that seem to know how to keep Faith so Strong and know how to speak to God so clearly and well.
            Thank you,

          • Sandra, I can hear the sorrow in your heart and I am so very saddened to know your heart is broken. For whatever reason we may never know, the path of life has lead you to this very place. It is okay to feel disappointed, to feel discouraged, to feel let down…acknowledging all of that is so good for the soul. Yet what our soul does not need is for us to become stuck there. There were many times Jesus must have felt misplaced but had He stayed there, just imagine the loss. Therefore, it seems, He is calling you to a different and higher perspective. Perhaps you are clinging to the desires because there was such inner peace and joy; yet if He moved you away from there, He has a better place for you. I don’t know what that is; but by believing His way is ALWAYS right, then where he puts us at any given moment is not a mistake. Uncomfortable? Very often! Not wanted? Yes, true as well. Irritating? Yes, sometimes more than we can express. Yet should our minds stay in those places, we do not truly believe HE has our best interest in mind…that He is not really transforming us but causing a bit of misery for some unknown reason. Because God is perfect, there is nothing He can do that is not in His perfect will. How I wish He would have allowed you to be settled by now…you are longing for it!!! And how I wish the trials were not so deep and difficult…but they are and that tells me HE is carefully turning your eyes and ears to Him in a very new and different way. There are many ways we can connect with nature….in fact, one of my children’s schools has some parents who wanted the students to learn gardening so they volunteered their time and the school made a way for them to grow a small garden. There may be places all around that would allow you to help. Elementary schools are often accepting of that. Also, there may be an organization that is looking for someone to help with nature in some way…look in your community paper. Perhaps you are being led to stay as God has a plan for you to be not removed for healing but connected for healing. He may bring you to others who need you and you need them…I just don’t know. What I do know is that HE promises to keep us, to lead us, and to show us HIS way. So release your hands a bit more, look in the local papers, go to schools or shelters and see if they need help, and perhaps a door will open. I just came across a prayer written in an Anglican Christian book of prayers. It reads “Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, O Lord; and by thy great mercy defend us from all perils and dangers of this night”. God has you in His care, Sandra. Just keep breathing, listening, letting go, and looking up. You are so precious. Colleen

          • Thank You so much for your wisdom Colleen, you are the Greatest,and thesenotes so much improve who I am in relationship with God. Thank You! The thoughts expressed could not have more impact for me, I have read a few times,third time now. I find it interesting that I may need be back here where office is for “being connected to healing” in some way this makes so much sense for greater perspective,a possibitly of what my Reiki Master and I still need to learn from each other here in this delayed time?,I believe we both have healing going on,and this is interesting concept that I am in his office space again,lately feeling more tension as it has extended somuch longer than antiticpated,but it is not something to be controlled I tell him, I have made attempts and I am still here, maybe he can learn of God and how He is the only One who controls and comforts,not a human soul …… much as I am learning this lesson, it is being viewed by someone that still challenges that idea and my voice…and then as much as it hurts so deeply for the desire I have of especially one mountain area with all the river meandering throughout entire town, along road, behind houses is so much calling for me to go back there for the healing energy it brings me. I am thinking to go out there for a few days and stay overnite….I guess that will tell you how I am feeling, like a tug and pull of transformation ,it is so teribly uncomforable yes, in suhc a confused way, I am doing all to listen with clarity ,all to create that clarity of mind is essental at moemnt. God has not provided answer for me just yet, I do not want to miss it if foggy, Thank you for all of your amazing surpport and writing from Christian book too. I will keep you psoted

          • Sandra,
            What you have written is very insightful. It expresses the truth that we can’t know the mind of God or the ways of God; a concept most do not prefer to accept as we want our human minds to be the ‘end all’ for life…to have all the answers. There is no place in scripture that says our human minds can know all things; but instead, it specifically and repeatedly states our human minds are limited, fallen, broken from our creator’s original plan…that being, HE created our minds in perfect condition until the enemy invaded and introduced evil…thinking for ourselves instead of depending on God for truth in all things. Another issue relates to “time”…human time vs. God’s time. Because God is not limited to time and space, then our chronological thinking is also limited by our finite minds. Only God can know the past, present, and future at once; unseperated and united. Humanity is not eternal but terminal; only God is eternal and since He created us, our soul’s are eternal as well…these are complicated concepts but foundational to our belief in Christ as our sovereign Lord. As long as Christ is Lord of your life, healing and growth are going on…either we are growing in a positive direction or a negative direction…towards God or away from God. Perhaps your time has been confined because God is working through you to reach your friend; what a concept. In a way, it is so amazing that God would take someone longing for a home, allow them to be without a home in order to help one who is eternally lost find an eternal home. Can you imagine the process. What an amazing work God may be doing indeed….of course He is but we can speculate that your friend who has supplied you a place to reside is in need himself for an eternal place. Therefore, we are not to run from such a work but fall into it as if we are falling into the comfort of an old sofa or piece of clothing; worn, comfortable, thread-bare. Yes, it is very uncomfortable to live in the unknown until we find comfort in the truth that God knows all and is in control. There is the most comfort in that truth. If your Riki Master is wanting you to find another place, then that is to be your goal. There are many places you could find for shelter. But I don’t hear that being communicated. I do hear you long for what you wanted, you long for a place to call home…both are very normal longings. However, if you are not being pushed out, then continue the path of looking with your best efforts; releasing all that you ‘thought’ you needed and readily embrace what is provided. If there is question about your continued stay, then simply ask your friend if it is okay that you are there. If he says there is a time limit, God knows that too and you can follow up. If he is okay with how you are pursuing a place, then be rested in the truth that God is working and not ready for you to leave. Neither of us can know what God’s ultimate work is about; both of us can find confidence in the truth that God is sovereign, in full control, and placing you in the right spot at just the right moment for His divine work. If you are worried about staying, you need to ask your Reiki Master. All you can do is ask and depend on his honesty to respond. Then continue to REST; to pray and REST…God’s work is for us to follow His lead, not lead Him. It’s almost too simple. He will lead; you are obviously following. So try to find rest in being honest and truthful. He has provided a roof over your head, enough health to write and think, plenty of sustainance to press on for this moment…and that is what we are promised. So stay the course and rest. You are in the transformation process which is not comfortable most of the time even though it is right. I applaud your determination, dedication, and desire to know and follow Christ as your Lord. Way to go! Continue to press on and also to rest in Him. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I wanted to let you know that I have been absorbing this previous note/insight, it has been profound and amazing insight that I could have only arrived with writing into you and your blog here. I am grateful for your insight!
            There is so much still in thought ,absorbing all. I Love Pray and Rest, and yes, it really is so SImple, my goal to attempt to keep all in this perspective.
            With office space, my Reiki Master/Friend is mostly concerned for my health, he would like me to find some place to live for he believes that my immune system will be compromised without eatting home cooked warm meals,and just not good for me to live in office for months, as my wellebing,that it will take a toll on emotioanl and then physical health. He is not pushing me out, he has stated he is shutting office down when owner of building going to replace roof sometime in March and really has made me awware that he does not want any of his clients here during the noise, he stresses the noise early in morning,etc. He is making me aware. I did contact the couple who live local here that offered me to stay in room in their larger home with room available for me , back in December . I have reconsidered and thought although it is a “historic house in renovation”,it is not completely gutted ,they will repair slowly,even thought i felt allerigies high from mulitple water damage in some rooms that will not be repaired immediately due to older issue,not current but they have a list of reparis will slowly renovate, even with all this and not safest area of town here, they do have security system,and I can offer what i can afford,leaving my belongsings in storage,and can not worry about buying washer and dryer,that will be available and no lease. So I left a voicemail yesterday to see if still interested in having me rent a room/space until I can figure out a settled certain home solution. I have thought alot abou their offer and they do seem like genuinely kind couple, they are friends with my x husband friend,whcih I was als uncertain of, yet I seem to be drawn to idea at this time as this may be exactly what I was not ready to do Dec,Jan, but now going into March and still not settled, it may be what /where I need to be . I will still be in same town near Reiki Master and the work of God as intended can continue.
            I have been in such thought about all this and God work Colleen, without any ego, from the deepest part of my heart I felt so grateful and pleased if God has chosen me to lead someone else. I do not “feel” like I do this well, most of my experience of speaking Truth, all my life really, has not been effective ,or at least from where I stand nobody really ever listens/acknowledges what Truth I speak. I realize we cannot change anyone, and I have to confess I do become frustrated at times when I see too much than average indivudual, I believe I want to not change someone although to share awareness, this creates discomfort in others sometimes as I am often told I “want” others to be like me, often I feel other person become annoyed or angry with me I want to learn how to do all this better. The thought of God have chosen me to be here for my friend, God will show me how to help him. I have Prayed and all I can do is Rest and Know that He will speak to me with His plan for me and for how to help others awareness of Greatest Love and Light of God,and to LET GO as well as I am learning from “by example”, of control and comfort,as only as you write, “God’s work is for us to follow His lead, not lead Him”. I have not ever learned so clearly,that God is in control of,to not force anything to happen,and that is not lazy or irresponsible, it is waiting on Lord word to move forward and/or stay put for until the Lord guide me otherwise.Provided this Insight, I feel soemthing very differnt within myself,and I see differntly now,almost more Light,and a new Freedom that exists,if that makes snese how I express this experience.
            Thank you for tremendous Insight and for your listening ,following/guiding me, caring and sharing this Insight to bring me so much closer to Jesus Christ, our Lord.
            Thank You

          • Sandra,
            There is a lot to unpack in your note. As I read, it sounded like the messages you tell yourself or believe may not be true; so common for those of us who have suffered abuse and/or neglect as you have. So let’s look at a few things. First, I’m thrilled your friend is sensitive to your needs; contact and warmth is connecting. There are meals you can find that are very healthy-we get them at the grocery store…wheat free/gluten free…healthy an a little pricey but good in a pinch. However, if he’s concerned about noise and intrusion, that’s a valuable piece of wisdom I would listen too. Is there any apartment nearby that is affordable? Have you been searching for work? Work and home help us develop in many ways; I just think you need to look around and perhaps find something do-able for now. What does that look like for your life right now? Next, there will always be challenges wherever you live…only you can know what your system can/can’t tolerate. If water damage (and hidden black mold that leaks through the walls) is possible, I would suggest staying far away from that. But, if you could possibly be on your own…in your own space, that would be great. You would not be second guessing others or assuming their motives…it’s hard to be clear on that when there’s lots of inner chaos. That leads me to the messages you tell yourself…I have found those I learn the most from are fully unaware that their lives are messages in and of themselves. It doesn’t take a spoken word to learn from others. Those with profound disabilities often teach the most…they teach us about courage, endurance, acceptance of what is, to please God and not others, finding strength in Christ, tolerating other’s and the human condition which can be so flawed with judgment, finding peace in what is not in what we wish it to be, and so much more. So, you don’t have to be a writer or speaker to reveal Christ in your life…He shows up most often when we say less and allow his light to shine. If you do hear feedback like “you want others to be like you”…that is something to examine. That would be a control issue; very common in those who feel out of control or their circumstances have been chaotic. So take that to Jesus and ask Him to be your voice…to show you the truth of who you are. Letting go of trying to change others or please others is one of the most freeing decisions one can make. I can honestly say, we are here to be in relationship with Christ, not to please or change anyone else…believing we have that kind of control is an illusion anyway. So go with God….Oz Guinness has a fantastic book titled “The Call” and in it there is a chapter called “The Audience of One”. Transforming. I encourage you to look it up. He is brilliant and yet brings the matter of pleasing Christ right to the soul. Finally, I would say you do have a developing ego. Most who have suffered abuse are out of balance…either they have a huge ego to try and cover inner vacancies; or they have no ego and get walked on. What you are seeking is your real, true voice; a balance of accepting who you are…good and damaged, being comfortable in your own skin, trusting God to give you your voice. He created you, He can lead you to the truth. It appears you do have strength or you wouldn’t have made it this far. You have survived a horrible past, pursued health, let people know in the mountains that the home was not doable and that there was dishonesty; you spoke up for you…all that takes ego strength. You were not walked on, in denial, or running from your challenges; you faced them one by one and continue to. So tell yourself the truth…you are cultivating a voice, you are listening to feedback that may require change, you are seeking Christ like never before, you are in the game so to speak. Becoming is a long process…God’s not in a hurry, so we need not be in a hurry. He’s working Sandra. I’m so proud for you and all you are learning…it is for a purpose. Just believe that and keep pressing on! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am glad you wrote as you did, as it seems yes, I did believe something that was not true,and I had assumed it was something different in a situation. I am mentally tired at this time. I do not feel emotionally supported by my Friend when I feel depressed, I am told other people move forward. I am feeling the rental is the only option in my price range to rent at this time, the owner did call me back and it seems she and husband will get back with me as going out of town this next few days. I will ask them about the mold stains from old leaks where they are eventually going to repair walls .I know when I was there in past visit I felt allergies, although this is what is presenting itself for me at this time as option. I am so mentally frustrated that an apartment is not going to be healthier for me, noise really agitates me, and that to me will be worse on my health than anything. This is a house ,not safest location,I will need continue to look, I have feelers out in mountains to keep checking what available to rent. I will apply to an affordable housing for older and /or disabled although waiting list upt to 3 years. I figured may as well if will need this later. I am sorry I am so frustrated. I did look up book and will be looking here at library and/or buy copy to read. I am really sad that there are not many who truly know how to be emphathic with emotional issues, it oftens feels like I am communicating LOVE ME, and others shun me for being too needy? or weak , right now you are one of very few I feel truly there for me. Many others just want me to get on ,snap over it. I am not sure of much right now. I do know my Friend and I are two of a kind,and the control factor we do both share as characteristic, I thought I was trying to help more,and he thinks he is helping I suppose. I am the one to take a look deeper at this, he usually becomes angry/ I will let this go, I simply do not wish to feel dominated and/or spoken down to in these circumstances, when it is like a vengeance to get me back or something. I need an embrace right now so badly,I know God is right here with me helping me through all this misunderstanding.
            Thank you Colleen,Have a good day today

          • Sandra,
            Is this the only option you have for living space…the house with mold? Reason I ask is it sounds like that is going to greatly complicate your healing process. It will be yet another distraction that you have to deal with because allergies are terribly difficult to tolerate. Have you looked online with what social security or government can offer? You mentioned disabilities but I think you would qualify for assistance due to income. I don’t know what that is but by all you have written, it sounds like that is the issue. What about seeking a job…just anything that would pay the bills? Another idea is to look for an apartment manager position. Usually they give free rent and the manager is responsible to take care of the issues residents have with heating, water, air conditioning, basic functions of apartment life. I would check out any available listings in your area and call on those before moving into a complicated situation. Just something to consider. Also, you are right…very few people know how to be a companion in the healing process. Most DO want someone to ‘snap out of it’, to ‘get over it’ when that is not possible. You have very deep wounds, you are weak and vulnerable right now…that’s okay to admit and in fact, part of the healing process. There are very few people who understand unless they have walked through the darkness themselves. There was one in my life when I was healing; no one else understood so I learned to contain what I could and open up to the one person who helped me through. You will find it very, very helpful to examine and adjust your expectations of others; otherwise you will be hurt and disappointed again and again. Then, that hurt or anger will become your focus, taking your eyes off Jesus who is your everything. He promises to provide so I trust that He will. I can’t imagine Him leading you to a harmful situation unless there is a bigger purpose we cannot see at this point. Just some things to consider. Stay the course, you are right on track. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am sorry I am having a bad day. I did not sleep many hours laast nite and glad office is avaialble early today as I am going ot nap to help me feel better. I reread your note from earlier, it is interesting to me to hear you say of my strenth to speak up for myself with dishonesty, that is where I seem to be feeling what I was trying to express in previous emails, I seem to speak my voice and maybe I am too strong at it?, that is where it seems esp. men come back at me with a vengence and like owner of the rental, friends, family growing up to recent, people become angry with truth and what I will need address if I feel degrading, dishonest with my interests,and/or somehow I feel taken advangtage of. Yes, someitmes I do misinterpret from past PTSD, my mind believes it is what it is,then later I may find it is different, there are other times when I am right on the mark ith what I am saying and it comes back to bite me,shun me, reduce me. That is a pattern I am shwoing more ego I believe to change,and it sometimes feels my voice just wants to be heard to be Loved ,embraced. Last nite I was up crying for a short while, maybe speaking too much to Jesus, and I prayed over and over, and I hurt so deeply inside that I felt Jesus ever so Loves and Accepts me, I said I accept me, and I so much would Love to feel that from the inidvidual God will pass down through Jesus Heart and Soul to care and Love me into Eternal Life,togthter, who He will choose for me for the remainder of this life,the One tounit on this journey of Ethernal Life.I so much prayed there be more individuals like you COlleen,and a woman from telephone at affrodable apartment that was so kind to me, more people like this to come into my life. Because all I want is to Love mutually, respectfully, if I see I am being controlling, I will be the first to admit with awawreness and do all I can to correct myself/my actions. This is probably all interestinag for you, I am writing my Heart as I speak, you know me very well by now,and I am grateful for your thoughts and observations,guidance always. I am going to order the book now on Christian, think saw it there online.
            Thank you so very much for your kindness ,acceptance ,patinece of me who wants to get there maybe too fast. Thank You Colleen,
            I really believe I am changing ,I also think of Peter in prison cell with his teaching guards while there. I will look at Disciples book from Insight for Living donation I can affrod.
            Have a very good day

          • Sandra,
            Couple observations…I think you are on to something when you say you come on strongly or other’s become angry because that is a common pattern in those who have been taken advantage of or deeply wounded. Since you have been so hurt, the only voice you have is the one that wants to stand up to THOSE events; in so doing, you may be coming across more strongly than you realize. The fact that you observed this is amazing!!! Most wounded people continue to wound because they lack self-reflection, self-awareness. You are almost working too hard to cross the finish line and yet still learning to walk. So take it slow. What I would suggest if you feel offended is to seek clarification. Perhaps saying “I’m somewhat uncomfortable with what you said…I’m feeling _______ (hurt, offended, confused, whatever) and I don’t think that is your intention. Could you help me understand what you meant or want or are intending to communicate? Seeking clarification is vital to relationships because we all have filters that cause us to see things under certain lights…our history, mannerisms, experiences, past wounds, so on. You don’t ever need to come on strongly, just seek to understand. Then, say “so what I’m hearing you say is…..” to confirm you do understand. This keeps everyone on the same page. Since you are still trying to change the abused filter, it’s going to take time…give it time. But when that gut feeling comes up, ask for clarification. These are core issues most people don’t examine…you are working very hard. It may be good to look for some employment…somewhere where you can do something easy..sack groceries, clean houses, anything that allows you some income and space and that you can be proud of. I do believe in you. Breathe, take a walk, stand in the sun and remember the Lord is for you. Colleen

          • Thank you so much Colleen, you are so amazing with how to speak soft and gentle , I have alot to absorb from these thoughts. I wish to write this one on a piece of paper and carry around to be sure i get the gnetle wording just right, Thank you so much again, I will keep you posted .stragngely I have gut feeling room in house not going to happen? just a feeling, I have feeling something else is going to show itself beofre I hear back from the owner of that house. just a real feeeling in me here? I know my life is complicated, I will let you know where God has led and taken me for this week coming.

          • And continue to pursue options. That being responsible to the best of your ability; Christ doesn’t expect us to do His miracles but we have to pursue as well. I don’t feel good about the house as well…who knows. Let’s wait and see and do some checking into other options. Colleen

          • That is very interesting you have this vibe. I think the message is clear. I made several calls today, I will do same tomorrow and keep options open to what God is saying to me ,I will continue to pray for clarity without any doubt for me to know what is right and true for livign space. Thank you for caring

          • Hello Colleen, feeling deep sadness today , I am going to pray to see what is purpose coming back to this town, if intended for me to return to heal another, who need I focus? to help. I do not particularly like this town so frustrating as to what I am here to do. Sorry frustration seems to have been back. I read Luke and I find it confsuing to read, I can relate to “stay where you are” if I have that correctly quoted. That is something Jesus had been sayign to me for long time, stay where i am, stay, now i have not heard this in while. I had read the teachign of being humbile from Luke last summer. I find reading this scattered thoughts, I did not know if God was the King or the King was someone different. The King spoke in ways I do not hear Jesus speak,so I felt it was a King other than Jesus. I will look up Luke online to see if can gather more meaning/understanding, and I am open to your thoughts on who was speaking toward end of Luke 17-20. I also did not hear from the woman with house room to rent, and that delay is another way I am clear to say no if I do hear from her. I just cannot out of despair ujump into a situaion that will not be true and right for me,especially for very important reasons of safety issue being so much in downtown crime area and allerigies .
            Have a good evening Colleen and weekend.I will keep youposted.

          • Hi Colleen, I also wanted to let you know past week I was thinking about where to get sleeping pills and find a natural surrounding and take in car. I know this is not an option, it is what the enemy wants. It comes and goes, I am holding onto Christ and waiting, I do still have these thoughts off and on when just cannot seem to know what perspect6ive is of day/nite at a time. I am sorry to say this, I wanted to say this for if I ever did do this,which I do not believe I could ever for God would have me come back to serve a harder life,and all I have made effort to be closer to Him and be truly Home in Eternal place would have been wasted. If for any reason anything ever did happen to me, I want you to know that you have been one of the greatest woman, and I can say Friend that I could not have thought I would find to bring me closer to God. You are a true Blessing, and Angel sent to help and guide me just as you have,with an Amazing Grace, and nurturing Soul. Thank you for that and for being you.

          • Sandra,
            After reading you last two posts, I am very concerned for you. Concerned because I hear your spirit falling into darkness; discouraged that something hasn’t come along sooner or to help. So here is my prayer first: “Precious father and Lord, my dear friend and your daughter Sandra is in one of the darkest seasons of her life. You promise to be our help and comfort in times of need; for what it seems, she is not sensing your presence or help right now. Because you are always faithful and cannot lie, I ask you to help her see through the eyes of her heart…help her through, one step at a time. Lord, will you please shower her with your love, compassion, everlasting grace, and presence. Father, there is a lot of confusion which is part of the process of growing up and growing beyond our pasts. It is hard to face the dark shadows of our past and to change the ways we have trained ourselves to think. So Lord, I ask that you give Sandra very clear thinking as only you can do….help her see and think in a different way, in a new and healing. Father, give her direction for living, direction for where she is to go, how she is to respond, and where to place her trust. Lord, I ask that you envelope Sandra with your mighty arms of love and show her how much you love and value her. Lord, your word says we are fearfully and wonderfully made, there is not another like Sandra…not another person on earth made as you have made her. As a result, you have a calling on her life that for reasons we cannot see now, this is part of that plan. Help her to cry out to you but not give up or compromise. The temptation is enormous…this life and the enemy desires to steal, kill and destroy your children and it seems the enemy is ever at work attempting to destroy Sandra. I pray in the name of God and heavenly father, mighty and powerful, against all the works of the enemy. Father, stand firm against what she cannot see but is pressing her into this darkness. And Lord, may we reflect on this season in the days to come as perfectly planned by you for what you are bringing to her life. Thank you for hearing our prayers and for knowing what is needed at this moment. In the magnificent name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.” About the Luke chapters…I’m sorry you felt confused by them. I don’t know what you read into them…what the filter was that caused confusion. Thanks for asking so there could be clarification. I suggested the passages to reveal how Christ dealt with issues of forgiveness, mistreatment, his works and lack of gratefulness from those he healed, the condition of this world and what Christ taught about behaving and believing in the midst of darkness, and more. The passages teach us how to respond as Christ did…he didn’t expect other’s praise or thankfulness, he didn’t do His work to gain something but to honor his Father and to reveal a better, higher way to live. As you are seeking to learn how to live in a new way, free yourself from bitterness and pain, forgive those who have hurt you, find a new place to stay; it is Christ who we follow. His actions are to be our actions; His ways are to be our ways. When He came to this earth, there was no room so he was born in a stable….far different from where we would imagine Kings to be born. He was wrapped in strips of cloth, not an emperors robe, he was misunderstood in every way. Sandra, if there was no room for Christ on this earth, we must anticipate there will be little room for us and allow what is provided to be from the hand of God. God to and look up the commentaries, passages, devotions, and learn to understand the real meaning scripture offers. There is much to be learned from good and deep study. Look up themes such as healing, confusion, sorrow, grief, resentment, trials….there are verses for every single challenge. Write them down then lean in to them when you can’t find your way. God’s promise of faithfulness is consistent. We don’t know his timing or his ways, but we know he is faithful. Let me know if that helps. Don’t give in now, you have come too far to let go of the learning and fall back into old patterns. They got you to where you are today; and there is a bigger, better future ahead. I love and care for you, stay the course my dear friend. Colleen

          • Thank You so much Colleen, I honestly have so much information within me, I can keep it to how grateful I am for your note, your keeping me alive, Jesus Love Shining through with all the prayer, last nite was a teribly dark nite, I called my Phychologist and she as she always does remarkably calls me right back with voicmail for me to listen. I like to do it that way so I can listen over and over if need be. She reminded me how this was stressful time and how when get on other side of this stressful moment, I will be able to say like always I was able to get be3yond it, and that I was not taught how to take care of myself and to go deep within to the child within me and ask what she needs and take care of her. Colleen, the night beforeI was prayeing for Jesus to be present and to fill me with His presence to feel so Loved. I lost hope with loss of clarity and was not able to feel Him, and yes I can then feel like going to loose my mind with Dark feeling. Today I reached down deep within even throug h pain and deep sorrow within, and I Loved Me, I caressed my hair and face and I told myself that I will not abandon me. I so much believe this is all part of the healing process as it was easier to reach so deeply down within me this time, like not before that I recall ever. I believe Jesus delivered me to me in my yearning to feel so Loved. I did feel your caring Love and I today was in touch with individual who as a couple work on individuals like myself, without charge, I had telephone conversation and my project is to create a dreamboard of my future ,how I see it witout any retriction, words and phtotos from magazines glue on there,even if not good thoughts of death, a place to release and let go t build what I would Dream of a future without anything but Beleiving . It was completely understood that I am so close to being there, the positive affirmations of Loving Me and feeling worthy to be Loved will all be developing within me in the weeks to come. Like you have noted Colleen, I am literally learning to walk, I am learning to think differrent. This is all part of the plan Jesus has, and what you have been promising me is true. I am very tired mentally/emoitoanlly as I know you can imagine,what a roller coaster for me. I wanted to give you update, I will write more again with reference to Luke and I believe I was hearing what may have triggered what /how others may be mistreated by King and a kind of PTSD trigger for me, hard to explain right now. I was not able to read clearly with full accurate emotion for my full understanding of what was happening. I have a complex of someone coming after me and that kind of escalated past few days,and somehow Luke reminded me of how others can be cruel i think.
            I did order teh Calling, which goes along with this Loving Myself action taking place, writing 10 things /ways I Love Myself,etc. why I am Worthy of Being Loved. I KNOW ONE THING FOR ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN, I LOVE JESUS andOUR ALMIGHTY GOD. Today on, they asked who is your Hero. My Hero IS JESUS without any doubt and without any hesitation.
            Thank you for your Prayer and so very much for keeping me with the closeness to Him, I am so Blessed to have your genuine support and caring.
            So many Blessings

          • Hi Colleen, I did want to say I want to read your note and prayer again before bed tonite, and that my head is tired tontie, I did call a realtor to help me locate an apartment in price range, there is one at beach a few hours east I thought about, right now tonite I jsut cannot think of all that and where, I do feel it is on its way very soon. The woman with room rental never called me so God had a plan to keep me from going there, so wild ,as hard as it was not to have her call me, I again am being taken care of, even though I have not mental /emoitoanl capacity to make a good decision right now, the help of you and God overall knew what was right and true for me and I need not worry at all what outcome would have been. Just an intersting day overall.
            I guess I need say I am very glad I hung on for one more day to see today inspritations.Thank You Sandra

          • Hello Colleen, You are such a dear woman, so reflective of God amazing work. I can only say Thank You so very much for this prayer, I went back to read and I am copy it down/print to hold onto for those moments if occur again that I feel no presence of God and become devastated with grief and lack of sanity any possiblitiy of loosing self to other side. I am so grateful to be feeling the presence of the Lord our God again in my life. Reading your prayer, the resource that is guiding me to the Lovable, worthy Self projects I believe are a result of the prayer you spoke. I so needed clarity and with the very next day, the morning was rough still, then I saw a young maybe 30ish year old male park next to me at a grocery store where I was sitting before leaving parking space, I noticed his disability tag on mirror, and I then saw he had wheel chair on lift from back of his little pick up truck. he then proceeded somehow to maneuveur himself from his driver seat into position to unfold wehheel chari and hop into it, he proceeded into store and I felt lifted that here he is making all this effort effortlessly /routinely, so I jumped out of car not knowing if I will give him money for groceries or what?, I walked in to find him in wheelchair pushing a small cart and using one hand to hand wheel his chair, I went to him and offered if he needed any help. He exclaimed with asmile no, this is my daily routine. I could not help but to say I am sorry I cannot help , I told him that I want you to know that you are an inspritation to me. He smiled and I parted. If I had some cash I would have gvien something to register toward his order, I believe just our encoutner may have brightened his day? This was the first of experiences yesterday that so much lifted me ,feeling the depth I needed to bring me back to life, knowing that someone I can see that has it far harder , I have two legs, I can walk, that for me just wanted to brign tears to my eyes, like I was so grateful and honored to meet this individual who can take so good care of himself and so independently with such a physical disability. I know he probely has difficult days too, maybe we both were Blessed yesterday to meet.
            Then Colleen the end of the day with the validation and guidance of where I am without Love and worth for myself,yet just almost there was all part of this prayer.
            And I wanted to tell you that my friend sent me an email of how much Jesus Loves us, a prayer sent to many from web….this is the friend who I have mentioned that has not believed wholeheartedly in Jesus,and just maybe I have been near in his life for these years and around him to reflect on his life and living. He has not mentioned anything more, I just knew it was a positive step to see him acknowledging this prayer and forwarding it to me. I will continue to prayer for him as he needs this Love too to break through his heart too, a dear soul just really confused about what Love is I think too and who Jesus truly is.
            I am most Grateful as always for your note, and I will be looking at BibleHub over this week to note and keep prayer right at hand for a crisis that may not spirial so far down next time. I truly need to TRUST that those times I feel utterly alone and someone will attack me or something bad will happen that somehow someway I can see through the confusion to clarity and regain sight of TRUTH! And my purpose book The Call will arrive any day.I will get beyond this point of life, I believe in this wholeheartedly this day.
            THANK YOU COLLEEN , THANK YOU FOR MAKING A DIFFERENCE in a life of needing someone as nurturing as you to show they care so much about what is right and True for his/her (including my very own) tender Soul growing in confusion and yet flight.
            Sandra PS your Dad today said something on radio again, I cannot believe I cannot remember, I thought that is it ,so true! I will need to look up to see again for it was perfect!

          • Sandra,
            WOW…wow for all you are learning and doing. You DID make that gentleman’s day by offering to help. So many times those who have disabling conditions feel invisible, overlooked, in the way, and without a lot of hope when it comes to the messages of this society. For you to offer makes all the difference in the world. And, it changes you too. That is why I’ve really encouraged you to look for any job….anything that would get you connected to others. When we are connected, it helps us have a better perspective and gain confidence in what we can offer. People don’t need more of stuff, they need more of companionship, care, grace, attention, someone who will listen, who looks them in the eyes, who is present. That changes you, it changes them. Way to go. I’m so proud to know you are hanging in there. All my love, Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Thank you for acknowledging all happening , a similar instance occured very next day i was at another smaller market store and came out down ramp to find a male same age range, 30-35? at base of ramp behind his car sitting in his wheelchair, kind of waiting for me to come down ramp. I thought he needed help, so I offered and he said no he did not need help ,he was trying to determine if it was going to downpour again or looked like some clouds breaking. I told him it is supposed to rain off and on all day, he said his name was Ray, and I told him mine. He said it was his fist visit to this market and I told him how much he would enjoy it as all very fresh organic produce and infomred him of the advertising of 20% off days frequently. He seemed uplifted . We parted.
            I thought how interesting two similar situations of young-mid aged men in same hand operated wheel chairs, this individual carried a back pack on his lap I guessed to carry some things out after purchasing,
            I have alot going on here as you know. Today for Hope I looked up Bible Hub and was delighted how many verses came up . My heart connected most to Psalm 40:1 and 40:2 for the now, I copied this verse for it so much appllies to me I thought.”And set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.”
            I also thought God may be challenging me in a big way for I rate how Lovable I am how others have not loved me,society, family,friends ,church minister,etc, or at leaset where heart has suffered from hurt……I saw a Light from the Lord when heard this message, it is me who has to Love me, no care of what others actions are toward me. Jesus never spoke a wordfrom his mouth of being without paitnece, that to me is remarkable peace within His Heart and Soul.
            I began to read The Calling, very very good book, it is amazing again, it states something like if one has no purpose in life ,essentailly destroys self/life.
            I have so much hapening, I do feel overwhelmed with mental,emotiaonl and physical fatigue, much rest is needed at this moment so I can refuel for where God is leading,taking me.
            Thank you for your thoughtful caring and loving way to help as you have so I do not slip thorugh the cracks.

          • Colleen, I am so sad, I did not receive your message, It begins as graceful and kind as always, and then nothing. I sure hope it comes through, I enjoy our correspondence and so much of me you have known here ,acknowledged,and developing of me at so many levels,I cherish that you have seen this growth toward our amazing Jesus Christ our Lord and God.
            Thank you

          • Sandra,
            I didn’t say much; it was just a note to acknowledge I had received several of our notes and was going to respond to them in a larger note. But there was nothing in it worth looking over. How are you as you head into the weekend? Praying for you as always. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I have to say for you that all in your notes are always insightful, generous,kind and caring observations and guidance, your thoughts in your notes have helped me in great ways.
            Thank you for asking how I am doing.
            I contineue to read the Call, and I wanted to express that before reading this book, Just a while back, maybe 4-6 months ago? I had mentioned to my Reiki Master that I wwas feeling not lost as some were saying of my situation, I specifically said I am not lost, I feel I just have not been discovered. Well, The Calling specifically states exactly that, being discovered! “Fir tgus oerspective there is no merit in either seeking or finding. All is grace. The secret of seeking is not in our human ascent to God, but in God’s descent to us. We start out searching, but we end up being discovered. We think we are looking for something: we realize we are found by Someone.”.(The Call, by Os Guinness, 1998, p 14) I have to say all of your guidance reminds me of “All is grace”. honestly.
            Housing, been seeking , I will go to moutnains again this week to look at a few places as I jsut love the enrgy and what i feel there. At same time, the opposite shows up??? Across the street from the house where I was talking about couple offering room, well, they never called me back,so that worked out as you and I had spokent that mold and mildew may not be good idea for me there. well, right across the street is a historic duplex, two aparmtnet homes, in my price range, not a great area across from hosp, although they are renovating and I know the individaaul who is posting for owners, so he said he will tell them to hold for me to take a look as soon as they finsih renovations. It just may be where I need take all belongins out of storage and work with a flexible month to month or even 3 month lease, get a really good security system / know the individual well who is beneath me in duplex? for security , and then keep looking while feeling more settled and clear whether leave area or stay to buy something down the line that appears?
            Downtown is last place I would find myself living, most of the historic homes do have lawyers,dr.s, some common folk and military families that buy and feel very comfortable with idea . Others say do not go there after dar4k??? they do have concerts downtown in summer,other events, woman across street feels so safe she walks to bank in middle of nite ,11pmish and feels fine. I would need go there and see if this is distraction again, or God showing me it is okay,I am not sure yet,
            Thank you for asking how I am. When I read the greeting of pervious note, “My dear Sandra”, I wanted to say, and hope appropriate to say, that I felt so good about that address/you are one of not many sweet woman to address me so kindly,so endearing. I wanted to say, I htought about it,and my mother never loved me in such a way to say such a loving warm thing like this, so I forgive her for not showing me such nurturing warmth of a mother’s love, for I have learned to know what that is,to feel this, for God did place you in my life for yet another reason, to be that female nurturing soul/feminine energy that can express themselves in such caring ways as “unconditional” and “pure” caring love. I remember feeling that is what I was in need of to feel to grow further and even mentioned to my Reiki Master a few years back that I felt this Truth withn me. Thank you for allowing me this growth too, you have had quite an impact on my healing ,I am so happy to know and feel the Lord and God presence so near by your guidnace with prayer. Have a good nite and weekend Colleen, I have not received the Diciple book yet, looking forward to that book also.

          • Sandra,
            I’m just checking in on you to see how you are doing. Yes, “The Call” is one of my all-time favorites!! Glad you are enjoying it. He’s a deep thinker and an academician so you are into some great stuff. Was just praying for you and wondered how you were doing. You are such a dear. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I also wanted to mention I saw a movie, if you had not ever watched before, please look for “Reign on Me” with Adam Sandler. That to me is one of the greatest movies, and one of Adam Sandler sweet surprises I had not been aware of, it was on tv Sunday.
            Colleen, it reminds me of me ,how when being questioned, I back off pretty far with individuals,and know what anger of this feels like from PTSD. I guess where I am at is daily now becoming more aware of how much I need help,and I think I am scared for that I do not have such a friend to the degree of “Adam Sandler” character in movie friend who really did not stop caring and being his trusted and faitgful “advocate” in person to make the “best” choices for him and really be taken care of . I know I have Jesus and He is absolutely taking care of me. And I will not worry at all, for He has always presented someone/someplace/food, etc, for me. The Reiki Master is my closest Friend and really like a family member to me, although he has his own family and I feel a lack of acceptance to how I am feeling and what level my needs may be. Not everyone is comfortable with this PTSD/depression,etc, and how it takes the individual more time than average person to be ready to act ,esp if feeling so vulnerable and ungrounded with PTSD …maybe it is something within another that strikes a cord of self? ANd when need to cry ,being told do not cry. I heard on your 89.7 where DJ and a Mom told her little boy to always feel comfortable to cry, no matter who tells you not to, it is okay. I just Loved hearing that,what a great nurturing mother.
            Thank you again for thinking of me,

          • Sandra,
            You mentioned one of the most key areas of healing…..grief. Grief is central to our growth, humility, development of character, and formation of grace in our lives. Those who say it’s not okay to cry probably have a lot to cry about…either way, it is healthy, good, valuable, and vital for us to cry and grieve losses we experience in this life. Grief helps us get ‘unstuck’….to honestly take your sorrows to the Lord and allow Him guide you through. Scripture is packed with those who encountered terrible things and grieved….cried…tears were present. Read through the Psalms and the Gospels (as the shortest verse in the Bible is “Jesus wept”); and there is no grounding for those who say ‘suck it up’, ‘get over it’, ‘just pop out of it’. YOU CAN’T just pop out of depression or PTSD…time, wisdom, time, and more wisdom are needed. So go ahead and cry when needed. I have never heard of the movie but thanks for the reference…I will look it up. Good to get an update…of course you feel vulnerable, ungrounded, lost…but it’s not a forever place. When Ps. 23 speaks of “though I walk through the valley of tears, I will not fear evil, for YOU Lord, are with me”…you are walking THROUGH this time but it won’t last forever. So keep connecting, cry when needed, and let me know if you have a place to live/work soon. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I will go ahead and read these today, i called multiple places to live and several were already rented in mountians that I would have moved in right then and there,and the others have not received any call back, a realtor with daughter has alot of space in home ,another with no lease where i can at least be in a house setting and develope further details where to live in process. I would have needed to meet her before left that area and I did not hear back from her, it would need to be alot of space in house for my privacy and have good understanding of boundaries,etc beforehand. Just an option out there. I did cry just now this morning as I did not think I wanted to come back to office space ,for some reason I am being placed back here. Still seeking place to live more permanent. coming back increases confusion, so I will look forward to reading bilble today and get much rest.
            Thank you so much for all your thoughts and guidance to be closer to God in that He is walking with me even when I cannot have an understanding and/or feel His work is happening, one second I see it ever so brightly and Clearly,then it turns around again like I had no step forward, kind of like Ground Hog Day movie.LOL to that right. Please let me know if you are able to view Reign On Me, I relate so well to the boundary and solitude of character in movie. Awesome movie
            With a Grateful Heart knowing you

          • Sandra,
            You continue to do so much work and be so very diligent in your efforts. There is so much to be said for your persistence! INCREDIBLE! So many would have given up by now but you have continued to press on with such amazing determination…it’s really an incredible thing to observe because it’s such a rare quality. In and through all of the things you are experiencing, God has a plan. I have no idea what that is, but I know He doesn’t lie and He promises that His plans are greater and higher and better than we could imagine. So in that light, it’s helpful to remember that when things seem like they are going backwards. And remember, when you are growing, there really isn’t a ‘backwards’ but it’s growing deeper. It does feel like we go in circles sometimes…I’ve said so many times, I can’t believe I’m here again! Then the words of my therapist from years ago ring in my ears…there is no going backwards for those who are pressing on to learn and grow. So please remember you are moving forward, you are in a very, very different place than you were months ago. Look at how much growth has happened in just a few months. We can’t measure growth by where we live or our circumstances; but by our willingness to surrender and move on with the Lord as He directs us. That is what matters most and that is what you continue to be committed at doing. I’m so proud of you and for you! Thanks for the update, you are always in my prayers. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I read this late last nite and was so in need of rest, I could not find the mental capacity or fingers to type all I truly wanted to express. THis note and the other too are so wonderful to read, I remember going to bed with a smile feeling so understood and with your thoughtful words I felt so good about.
            Thank You!
            I will write the other note that today I thought of it as well as this one and said you have been truly a remarkable part of my growth and even last nite I was enjoying the truest Light and presence of the Lord right there within me and Grateful for you and our correspondence, I thought wehn I am stable/settled, I would like to read more of Insight for Living and get involved with your blogs more indepth of Bible readings/education. Today on way back to where staying here, I thought I will meet you someday, jsut to meet you for what a tremendous Insight you have guided me to, with the most genuine of loving caring nurturing graceful support,so much a reflection of the true Faith of God you hold so close to your heart and soul. I am so honored to have met you through your blog and the impact is a lifetime not to forget. You were on the top of my Gratitude list last nite and have been now for months.
            With that what i so much wanted to say last nite and today…some amazing things from what i prayed for came today. An angel came through my tax accountant,she has been another genuine and kind soul. Today she was the answer to my prayers, she was full of guidance, knowledgable about a house I came across here . I thought the other day when bounced back here again, what is it Lord, if I am to help somoen who is it and prayed on a Realtor to come forth that will not chew me up and spit me out, someone who I could trust. Well, the house appeared on Monday,jsut after I felt how did I get back here! as you understod so well….well I just by chance looked at realtor .com and there was a house in good area, so I looked. I called Listing agent and she showed me,and then said she had another cute little house down the road if I wanted to see, she knew nothing about me, how often I had gone to mountains,and described it as a little mountain like cabin! I went to look. Location great and yes house livable as is and cute, just colors need changing,cozy feeling and small size perfect just for me, enough yard for space,garden and can see all other houses on sttreet,yet privacy. Well, this realtor is listing agaent and I was feeling gut telling me a hesitance of what i had just gone through with other realtors not fully representing my interests before when in duel agent situation. So, I prayed on it….Colleen, the tax accct this morning had so much knowledge, she was also looking out for me and was completely validating issues of finding another agent,and she said I need call this woman, she gave me the only woman she would use if she ever sold her and husband home. Knowing who she is,and trusting in her the way she was helping me so honestly and for my best interest I contacted the Realtor. She was another grand surprise. The most geneuine real simple sweet Realtor I ever met. She was just as Human as could be to me. She is writing up contract now. I can only do what I did last nite, I said Let God be God just like in the Call book I am reading. not sleeping two nites now, I was up last nite contiously praying and with His embrace I felt within me so alive and it reassured me in such a divine way that I felt finally I got it! in my mind that whatever it is at God will I accept. As long as owner /couple who owns accepts lower price it may be God will for me,,,,, and that would b awesome…so I leave it all to God and whatever that will be He has provided me all this time and I will know that in His timing it will be there. I have so much more to tell you,this note so long.She/Realtor working with has husband with beginning Alzzheimers disease. I worked with Alzheimer Dementia for 13 years,and she was sad ,confused about how to keep him at home,and accepting that at some point it will be a challenge,already he is leaving coffee pot on,etc. I believe with her living not far from this little house i have contract on as of now,that is who I am here maybe to help.She has asked for my help if I move there,and happy she said if it works out that I do,that I can walk up to her house and have tea.She is 78 years old and in good shape,but cannot walk distance anymore and thsi is about 4 miles walk to her house,she said if she could walk she would have likeed to walk with me. I will keep you posted Colleen.
            Thank you so very much for all your unwaivering kind thoughts,and guidance with most loving support! I am so grateful.
            Goodnite,and looking foward to telling you more good news

          • Sandra,
            WOW, WOW, and WOW! I noted that you have written several other notes as well but wanted to acknowledge the fact that if this does go through, the help you could be to another hurting person would be incredible. As we have talked about before, we never know what God is doing as prep work in and through us; but we must trust He is doing that work. It is clear that He is working in you and perhaps this is a time where you will see the commitment pay off. If not this time, then know He has brought you to several other people you would have never met otherwise and in that, there are miracles happening. This is such delightful and comforting news in that you have connected with someone who needs encouragement. You may or may not end up living there; but for sure you have made a new friend! What wonderful grace. Enjoy it for today! And It is for us every day! Colleen

          • yes, enjoy it for today feels so right and true for me. I am doing exactly this right now,feeling what it would feel like to sit on front porch ,garden,walk out and listen to birds in yard. I do this at park all the time,yet it has such a difffernt depth when your own space. Thank You so much Colleen for your wonderful notes ,insight,encouragement and support. I will keep you psoted. No matter what, I “must trust” and believe I can feel that strengthening within me.TRUST it will be okay,it is God will and Let God Be God. I will accept whatever that is He provides me.
            Goodnite now
            Sandra PS I sure wish I had the manuals I always used to educate employees of creative behavior with Alzheimer individuals and Dementia, I had lent to a woman where lived prior to this state before my husband at time and me moved here…well,she went to live more with her Mom in diffierent state and we ended up moving here,lost touch no contact number,last name,etc.and I never recieved them back. Loaded with stages of Alzehimers and so much information I could have shared with this woman for her husband. I have it within me, just refresh self and I am sure so much updated over last 20 years since this was what I did …this was time of my breakdown, part of it was I was 1000% for quality care for individual and unit, and Head of Nursing did not like I was not a nurse,so she was seriously Evil,and would make my life very difficult there.There was not a need to be nurse, I had background in Art Therapy and Acitivites Therapy and Alzheimer need more structured programming,creative beahvior modification that I was very good at. Well, nurse began pushing patients on unit that did not belong and it was one thing after another behind my back,and over me, pushing my boss to have a nurse come take half my responsitbiltiy. The unit was changing for bottom line and not for the individual and this head nurse who had it in for me. It was heartbreaking to see someone not care about the good of Alzehimer patient. This was also time I found out I was breaking down due to PTSD. so many things brought it to head. Anyways, I know I have enough information within me to help this woman and her husband make sense of care he needs, and how to address his needs ,where he is at mentally,and in memory.
            Goodnite. sorry such long note, meeting this woman reminded me of much and I wanted to share wiht youy.

          • Sandra,
            So much has changed in the world of disabilities over the past 20 years that much of what you probably had would be outdated today. So it’s okay to let go of the manuals and look to what’s current. I would suggest several resources: Caregiver Alliance, Alzehimer’s networks…just google or search and you will get thousands of links. Also, government sites do offer some good things… go to .gov and look up the site map. I have listed many resources on the Facebook page as well…you can look up “healthy minds”, “NAMI”, and “NICHCY”…the last being a site that was gov funded and lost funding so they are closing the site but have some of the richest material about disabilities I’ve ever found. Also, at Saddleback Community Church today, they are hosting an all day event that has some of the best scholars and authorities on the subject of mental health, illness, help, so on. My friend Steve G who founded Key Ministry out of Ohio has a post from Amy Simpson that is wonderful. You can get to Key by going to Also, Steve Pitman, Matthew Stanford, John Townsend, and Norm Wright all have outstanding material on mental/emotional health. In fact, John Townsend co-authored the “Boundaries” series with Henry Cloud…they have a daily call in show which is fantastic. It includes John, Henry, and Steve Arterburn…called New Life Live. I LOVE their program. Look to see when it’s on in your area…very practical insight as people call in. That should give you some direction. I post a lot of stuff on my Facebook page about resources and mental health updates…I would love for you to connect with the page. You would also find such a loving embrace there as no one “preaches” or “talks at” others…we are there to lift one another up, to encourage each other and to laugh and love one another through whatever may be happening. Go to and then look for the Facebook icon. The page is Insight for Living’s Special Needs title. Do let me know what comes of the housing stuff today. As always, I believe in you fully and am absolutely delighted to hear from you every time. May God’s blessings fall all over you today and in the days ahead. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I cannot wait to read through all these and I am happy with all these resources including the mention of your facebok page. I am deeply considering to do this ,I am always afriad of being seen. I have not ever been as seen as I have been in this process/challenge of life.It has created for me to develop more social ties,esp like ours,although online,you know so much about me and I realize others can view and help and reassurance comes from this with what they may have going on. Colleen, I will come back to read,and look up the keyministry and all links you mentioned.They sound WONDERFUL! What a Blessing to have an abundance of these resources that have been so highly screened by you with highest approval,
            I did get answer …contract was delivered and they came back with counter. i just went far they were ok with all on contract including closing costs ! septic letter!home warranty. Colleen, I am going to sit tight here, pray again, as I cannot go higher than another 1,000.00 .right now we are apart on number of sale 8,000. House not honestly worth that price they asking,they came down to be this difference now. What i offered is now 73.54 /sq foot. I so much hope they come back YES ! all clear now.
            Thank you for all these resources and caring so much. I look forward to being a part of your page, I think I like that idea.I feel good that you have told me and asked me to be a part of this experience.
            Thank you, I will keep you posted

          • Sandra,
            Well, the waiting continues. I think you are very wise to wait, pray, and see what God does with it all. Until then, you have plenty of reading and learning it sounds like to keep you going = ) . Glad the suggested resources sound helpful. You are so precious; hang on as God has something wonderful just for you. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, wanted to give update, seems gridlock past 24 hours no word other than it may be they have debt and wanted to get more money from house to pay off and buy something larger. I am sitting tight, my Realtor stated the Selling agent heard nothing last nite either. It may be they are calculating costs including commission? I am at max offer,with my guidance from tax acct who I very much trust she feels very strongly that without upgrades and their wanting price to pay off debts to stick to where i am at with offer and if I do need to find soemthing else that I am comfortable with it is out there. So, I sit and wait here. I did ask my Realtor to go out and see interior with me, we drove up drive and just looked on outside by car when I was beginning to worki with her, I want her to see no master bath ,tiny rooms,and no upgrades. I need not be in situation jsut because I want to live there, so need stick to what I believe worth and what advice I have that validates that. Great property, cute house,to me would be perfect,yet I do not want to get in situation if ever upgreade and/or need to sell that I can get my money back. So right now literally we are 5,000. apart from my offer to what they want. I believe realtors and both parties, me and Seller are trying to work it out. I will keep you psoted.
            Have a great day. I was able to look up last nite,looks wonderful site,although I need register so can get more in depth with site,so will do that soon. Thank you again,

          • Hi Colleen, i wanted to update,the owners came back with 2500 more than my offer but took away home warranty and reduced closing costs from 2500 to 1500. and i guess no septic letter .I only have approval for going up 1000., not the 2500.,nor do i think house worth that much more. I would need closing costs to make it worth it to me as per what i feel value of purchase as there are no upgrades from wehn they purchased in 2005 and they wanted initially 20,000 more, price now would be 10K more. I asked realtor to go with me for her to see inside and appt set for monday 11am,
            so I will keep Praying for guidance and direction. Like I said earlier I trust in my tax acct., she is very knowledgable and she recommended my realtor to help me from beginning with realtor.It is a matter of what I am comfortable and that was with all closign costs, c if they will accept. I will keep you posted. I am a bit frustrated,but need let go and wait out and Keep PRAYING. Thank you for your interest in this process. I so much appreciate your caring.
            Thank you,

          • Sandra,
            I think you are being very wise about all of this. It would be so easy to step into something just because you are so tired of waiting. However, trusting your tax assistant and your gut is the best way to make these decisions…and prayer of course. Do let me know what happens along the way. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I am uncertain that you recieved my last two posts that the owner did come down to where I needed and I did obtain a little morer than half closing costs. I have been working with lender and it looks all good with tentative closing as long as home inspection next week and appraisal and termite all clear date is 4/25. I feel this is right and true Colleen. I prayed and keep praying and have felt the Lord ever so present and close to me. For the first time the other day I finally understand and knew the truth of feeling when you have encouraged me to Lean into the Lord. I now understand and know what that feels like. There was a wait with mortgage, and other realtor of owners began to push and call me and my lender without listening to what I told her .She became very pushy as if she was going to find another answer from what I had told her multiple times. And I thought I need lean into the Lord on this and pray she find Jesus and accept that the sky is Blue and the Grass is green, sometimes we need just sit tight and wait where only God know the outcome. I felt very much my soul pressing so close to Jesus that I understood the leaning. I now am reassured by Lender we are moving forward. Appraisal ordered,and I feel content and happy I will have a home to settle into soon. I wil keep you posted on home inspection resutls tuesday. It is small cozy little home where I can have my own vegetable garden and save money now in that way and not put more money in cost per month into a rental. This I truly feel so close to feeling quiet and peace of mountains yet just outside town I have been living. It even rests up on a hill with 2.66 acres of land. One full acre looks like usable to sell if ever needed. My tax acct/freind after loking at photos online thought very impressed with how clean looking and was okay with where contract was agreed for what I am buying. So I am not sure you recievd last two emals. I wrote much Gratitude for your prayer Colleen. for you caring so much for me and where I am being led to follow, only in the Lord. I am so fulfilled with what closeness I am feeling to Him. I have been reading during this wait with lender and wondering if this is it, the Diciples bookelt. I needed to put aside the Call, for I was not sleeping a few nites and just could not pick up the book I felt so mentally tired, so just a few days now picked up the short stories of a few Disciples. I particlulary enjoyed Andrew and will look up John 6? I am escited about these readings and my connection with you and all the links and offererings you have provided for my continued growth. I look forward to remain close .
            Thank You Colleen .I will update this week

          • Sandra,
            I do hope you received my last note as well as this one. Get this…I have been struggling with leaning on the Lord this week more than I can remember in a long time. While I know in my head there is peace, He is always faithful, in control, and carefully leading me along…remembering that in my heart has been such a struggle. So you see here, you have inspired me today. That is one of the greatest things about knowing Jesus and being in relationship with others who know Him. We are here for one another. In fact, His word tells us that two are better than one for many reasons…one of them being when one is down, the other can lift them up. How great is that. So for today, you have reminded me to lean on Jesus, to trust Him fully…even in the midst of unknowns and uncontrollable circumstances…He is present. Thank you. As for your home…I do hope things have progressed and you are able to move in soon. Also, it is wonderfully encouraging to read about the disciples! I’m speaking tomorrow about the Lord calming the storm and the disciples were profoundly amazed at the Lord’s power. What is great about that is that they were so human like all of us. Even when walking and watching the works of Jesus right in front of their eyes, they struggled at times. What a reminder of how faithful God is to keep us in his care no matter the time, day, year, or season of life. Great to connect!!! Have a blessed day. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Thank you for connecting with me during your conference and sharing what you have with me. That is so interesting as God is truly at work, and I learned to look for what felt right and true in leaning from your guidance. How remarkable is taht ,almost like it needed to come full circle again back to you. It will be alive in you again .It seemed like it happens so naturally for maybe sometimes we are to work through some things? and then we will be ready for that comfort? I do not know , I do know it suddenly and ever so gently and simply occured and I thought that is what Colleen led me to find comfort in. I am so pleased that you shared this and how yes, it is also something I am beginning to take notice that it is wonderful for it is to be this way in those that we have relationsiips with that also have relationship with Jesus Christ. There is so much Love and encouragement to keep us alive in Christ. SOmething similar happend to me yesterday. Probably too long to write. I have been struggling with becoming frustrated with pushy people in society and that play games I will say . It was my lender who has relationship with Jesus and she had a not great day yesterday as if I saw myself in her shoes, and she answered how she does it ,what I have wondered how she seems always to remain smiling and sweet with greatest of adversities….she continued to say that she jsut turned it over to a prayer to Jesus and He said Let it go, so she did and with that the individual who had annoyed her said sorry. Now she apologized to me for venting although she feels like we are friends so at same time she said that is why…and I tried to say to her we learn from each other. God created that exchange for what I believe I needed to see in action, how to turn it all over in social situation to the Lord.
            Another reason your facebook page I will feel such an embrace like these exhcanges and will do this once settled.
            ANd yes in regards to the Disciples book, that is so much why I could relate so well and feel so connected ,it is Real, the lives of the Disciples are so human.
            Thank you for sharing your thoughts and expereince this weeeknd. I will keep you posted Colleen.
            Take care and enjoy your teaching tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and include you in my prayer here for you to find the leaning that you know so very well, in the Lords time to be the comfort you need to feel, what is right and true to your very own Heart and Soul.
            Many Blessings to you as well.

          • Hello again Colleen, I came back to read your note. I am so glad that I was able to inspire you today in the way that you mentioned. And interesting how you came back with something that I was going to be putting out to talk with you about. I had noticed that before my struggle ,those that I thought were close in a group I would attend occasionally, none of them called on me to see how I have been doing nor really showed the Christ Love that I believed was a part of this group. As I gather closeness with you and other individuals who have a relationship with Jesus, I am finding the other group not providing me with what I need, the warmth and truest of Love and caring Loving kindness that simply envelops us as individuals, and as you have said wehn one is down ,the other is there to lift you up. I have revisited the old group and it feels icy cold for not one truly knows what path I have walked, they may know but not one truly acknowledged or cared to reach out to me to lift me up. I will visit the group this month, as you have mentioned in past notes it is sometimes the uncomfortable situations that can bring growth. Perhaps this is for me to share Chirst Love for a reason with this group, for they do not know unconditional Love as the Chirst relationships that we share know.I am putting that out there as you validated a thought I was having with my new awareness to see how much supportive and encouraging the new realtionships that I am forming are, those that are in realtionship with Jesus and I feel the difference completely of Jesus Love.
            Thank you ,I look forward to hearing of your experience set for tomorow with group. I know it will bring you a most beautiful connection with Jesus as you speak and sudeenly you will be leaning into Him without realizing till are doing it, and that will flow through the audience in your usual graceful manner and knwoing of how Christ is so faithful and how He works in our lives will ring truth within those present and within you.

          • Hi Colleen, for some reason I think the disquis not taking my posts. I am copying and pasting this one again to see if will post.Thank You,Sandra
            Hi Colleen, I am uncertain that you recieved my last two posts that the owner did come down to where I needed and I did obtain a little morer than half closing costs. I have been working with lender and it looks all good with tentative closing as long as home inspection next week and appraisal and termite all clear date is 4/25. I feel this is right and true Colleen. I prayed and keep praying and have felt the Lord ever so present and close to me. For the first time the other day I finally understand and knew the truth of feeling when you have encouraged me to Lean into the Lord. I now understand and know what that feels like. There was a wait with mortgage, and other realtor of owners began to push and call me and my lender without listening to what I told her .She became very pushy as if she was going to find another answer from what I had told her multiple times. And I thought I need lean into the Lord on this and pray she find Jesus and accept that the sky is Blue and the Grass is green, sometimes we need just sit tight and wait where only God know the outcome. I felt very much my soul pressing so close to Jesus that I understood the leaning. I now am reassured by Lender we are moving forward. Appraisal ordered,and I feel content and happy I will have a home to settle into soon. I wil keep you posted on home inspection resutls tuesday. It is small cozy little home where I can have my own vegetable garden and save money now in that way and not put more money in cost per month into a rental. This I truly feel so close to feeling quiet and peace of mountains yet just outside town I have been living. It even rests up on a hill with 2.66 acres of land. One full acre looks like usable to sell if ever needed. My tax acct/freind after loking at photos online thought very impressed with how clean looking and was okay with where contract was agreed for what I am buying. So I am not sure you recievd last two emals. I wrote much Gratitude for your prayer Colleen. for you caring so much for me and where I am being led to follow, only in the Lord. I am so fulfilled with what closeness I am feeling to Him. I have been reading during this wait with lender and wondering if this is it, the Diciples bookelt. I needed to put aside the Call, for I was not sleeping a few nites and just could not pick up the book I felt so mentally tired, so just a few days now picked up the short stories of a few Disciples. I particlulary enjoyed Andrew and will look up John 6? I am escited about these readings and my connection with you and all the links and offererings you have provided for my continued growth. I look forward to remain close .
            Thank You Colleen .I will update this week

          • Hello Colleen, something I am looking into is thought of researching how does one develop a PTSD Civilian foundation similar to Pure concept.There are so many programs for military with PTSD, after viewing Reign on Me, I feel an incredible need to do something for educating and providing what necessary for those in need emoitionally and mentally with what can be a very debilitating disorder no matter waht the cause symptoms all same and needs attention more than medication yet services/Ministry available and open to meet needs of those who cannot take care of themse3lves at times .Ultimately need be more individual awareness so can be ready and available to understqand and reach out to someone with PTSD symptoms in the geninune caring way character of film friend did in moive Reighn on Me.
            I look forward again to reading some of the passages you have offered in reading Bible.

          • Sandra,
            What a fantastic question! Yes, as someone who also struggles with PTSD, I understand much of how complicated, lonely, and difficult it can be to move through things that others seems to do just fine with. I also agree that there is a massive need for support. I just read a staggering stat the other day which said aprox 50% of Christians in the church today believe that mental illness/mental struggles can be overcome with prayer and Bible study. I about fell off my chair. If that were the case, then almost every person I’ve met with PTSD would be healed because their devotion to Christ has kept them alive. But the need is so very present. I would suggest you spend time researching mental health sites…what I do is usually so a search on whatever the subject may be, then read up on as much of the sites info as I can and also review the resources they offer. As you do this, you will find some themes or patterns…like one you have said very correctly is that there is a lot for military related PTSD syndromes but very little for the rest of the population. Probably because the diagnosis was first related to those surviving war; however, PTSD is such a pervasive struggle across the board…those who have survived abuse, neglect, harm, and emotional imbalance to name a few. So I would begin there…doing research and also with much prayer. The Lord may be preparing you for something in this field now because you have proven to be so faithful in your own growth and healing. On this side of heaven, we are never really healed; we are helped and comforted by Christ but our great delight and hope rests in knowing our eternal lives will be whole. Isn’t that a wonderful thought to rest upon. Hope that helps! You are a treasure! Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, I wanted to say Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts with me, as well as your personal experience with PTSD. Please let me know if you see the Reign over Me movie, I would love to hear what you thought ofmovie. I am grateful for your expressing such an interest in my growth, genuine character, God’s Grace,and genuine caring love of another and to be able to understand me so well . I like your thoughts and I too have had that said to me regarding the healing from devotion to Christ. I am glad you share your thoughts with me and as always am comforted by your thoughts/expression,wisdom and nurtruing and kind friendship.
            Thank you,

          • Hello Colleen, a few more thoughts I wanted to share. First I look forward to meeting you someday and I know that I will, I want to say Thank You in person some day.
            Also, The last sentence here you wrote, “On this side of heaven, we are never really healed; we are helped and comforted by Christ but our great delight and hope rests in knowing our eternal lives will be whole. Isn’t that a wonderful thought to rest upon.
            “My thought was that this was a wonderful thought and I enjoyed it very much in thought what you said here. It is so meaningful to the journey I guess we all face and some come to know. I am happy to have come to known Chirst so dearly, I can say I adore Him with all my Heart,so Fully and that day will come that I will rest in Him whole.
            Last few things I wanted to say, contract signature will be tomorow, I thought “I need to sign now so no one else gets contract on it”,then I said, I need Let God Be God and just know the delay has a good reason whatever that will be, I will be okay with it. I know Realtor wanted to be sure I read whole contract and we can fill out what type of loan tomorrow after I meet with mortgage person,and Realtor told me there may be better option with my income and to ask her mortgage person in office to see if this applies for me.She said some other mortgage persons may not have mentioned for the other is better/easier for them? I will find out tomorow.
            And I recieved an email from my x husband girlfriend today that went to a group of individuals that she said some she knows others she has not met,and that Scott speaks VERY highly of all noted and she and his brother are having surprise birthday party for him and I was one of the group invited. Interesting. I would not feel comfortable, kind of like an odd ball on third date kind of not comfortable. I am honored though to be though of and invited. I may call his brother on list to call and express my gratitfude of being thought of and invited,and just simply express I would not feel comfortable and in Ohio,so far from SC.
            I will keep you updated. I look forward this weekend or end of week not leaving readings of Bible, jsut immersing myself in the word of God sounds very comforting to my soul right now,an expression of how much I Love being close to Him
            Thank you for your support Colleen, and liking me for who I am,even when I am so confused I do not know what end is up. And at those very moments keeping my focus on all that matters… the truest most almighty God, and the Light and Love of the Jesus Chirst That He is always Faithful.

          • Hello Colleen, yes Wow,Wow and Wow, The Lord is working here in amazing ways. I am going to keep saying Let God Be God, and I wanted to respond, i am just eatting dinner now. day seemed slow to action again. Realtor and I finsihed contrract this afternoon.She is first Realtor to take me to lunch here anyway in SC…she says she has really enjoyed me, she is sweet lady. At end of day she wanted to hand deliver the contract signed with earnest check of 500.00…with delay again, it was already 4:45 and I needed to remind her the listing agent office closes at 5. She said she was going there and no sooner I recieved an emeail from listing agent saying she had not yet been there and they were closing……so I called my agent and she said she arrived and they were closed and did not want to leave a check with contract in door ,that she will “hand deliver” in morning as soon as they open at 9am. She reassured me contract signed,dated with time today we signed and it is okay. So horse and buggy. LOL it will be there tomorrow. This woman is 78 and I so much value her integrity and simplicity of her. So I will wait patiently for the contract to be hand delivered rather than scanned and emailed for whatever reason the Lord is working. I wanrted to update you. and will again tomorrow when I know bid actually on table and what is next? I This would be so good. I look forward to speaking with you tomororw. Tontie I will read some of calling,and see where all is at with this house tomorrow.
            And you could not have said it better in other note regarding the people God is bringing into my life. I have made I think the first friend here in SC in 9 years being here. She is just a real Lady, and warm, friendly,simple, and has genuine character and Integrity with me. She said there will be more lunches.
            Thank You, Goodnite .

          • Sandra,
            Oh the waiting game continues…but you are waiting with such grace and peace which is remarkable! I do hope she gets the check and papers to the right places today. I will be praying and do let me know what comes of things. Thanks for the update. Colleen

          • Hi Colleen, no word yet this morning. I took a little rest with eyes closed a short while ago,and it registered in my head what the Realtor had told me, like all at once it was interesting message in head after the fact. I thought you would enjoy this as well. She had told me her husband had Alzheimers, that same day she told me her Brother in law had Alzheimers (which by speaking with her re: behavior, I believe his is probably a Dementia perhaps from stroke—I used to access clients for unit and this individual had more physical issues which is not indicitive of Alzheimer Dementia)…anyways that is my opinion. Well she continued that her sister in law also is doing all she can to keep him at HOME. and having challenge with wandering behavior. Then yesterday she told me of an AUnt that has Alzheimers or some form of Dementia and same thing,the family is doing all they can to keep her at HOME. Well it just occured to me this is not a coincidence. It was as I mentally was becoming numb 20 years ago, could not remember anything or absorb any thing, yet I was sitting in a Administrator of Assisted Living License week class. I had recieved my license. My boss from where I was working did not approve of reimbursement or on company time,however the Corporate individual who designed the program encouraged me to go. So I did. With so much that happeneed then,I was never hospitized but so many dr.s, they htought I had MS, I ended up going to Mayo Rochester for diagnosis by my finding in reserach becasue I was tired of dr. testing this and that ,and that is when I learned what was truly happening with PTSD. I went there alone. My husband said he could not take off work,which was the norm. I did not have the acknowledgement/emotional support from him that I needed.
            Anyways, all those licenses expired so long ago. I do believe that there is a message here for me to simply help in this situation. Perhaps my gift of research and finding the things to help in today time to keep someone safe at home will be my mission. I will keep you posted and with the House!!! I so much would liek for this to be my Home!
            Thank you ,

          • Thank You again for this note with prayer Colleen, I keep rereading daily and did copy . I so much helps me and this time I was able to realize the piece of Christ did not expect anything for his goodness, and to think about that is profoudn for me as this is His work of Love and Kindness, even if someone stubborn and./or hurtful, He continues to Love. I read alot of Romans today, this as well was noted in Romans . It seems I need still find the total Trust in Lord work with me and all. I did receive The Call book today in mail,have not had chance to open however will take a look before bed tonite.I look very muc forward to Bible Hub to be prepared for moments I intend to rely on verse with specific fear, anxiety with all feeling out of control ,loss of hope, May I not get those deep despair feelings again, if by chance I did, I can rely on what i have prepared to keep reading over and over.
            Thank you,

          • Hello Colleen, just when all is so clear, it remains so,but I thought I was following what God wanted me to do,and now ask what is this test of me? the individual his work is helping so well of others,like the greatest deed of counscious in action,and then does something that I see that I feel no heart in at all, that hurts me deeply to observe and I did not know how to respond for he cannot see how the action is so hurtful. I believe Jesus came to me today and said I needed to walk away instead of saying I felt taken for granted or taken advantage of. .When you are helping someone Colleen, the side of the individual that has character flaw,some hugely selfish actions that are heartless to others,or simple actions of dishonesty are very hurtful to me to have revealed by antoher. Perhaps God is teaching me to help another yet Let Go and Let God be the Judge of character,and to pray for individual to become more aware on own. There is something else , it brings to mind my Physcologist spoke to me of a book a while back, “Embracign Ourselves” by Hal & Sidra Stone. she spoke to me about letting some of my bad girl out,not always pleasing others as that will leave me in a box without all my selves, to always be good. When is it I will ask God when to be right and true to help ? or walk away? for I have made efforts and still am very surprised/offended by actions observed???This perplexed me today. I do believe Jesus came to me today and he stood in front of me as asking me to stop in my walking path and to just listen where stopped, I found I heard “I Love You”, I want you to know, I Love You,that is all you need to know”, and that I needed to just walk away from someone when acting without heart.
            Sorry if confusing note, will continue to Pray and Rest, and I want to be sure I am doing as God Leads me,not of my own dysfunction???If the second is true,I would be the one to learn from all this, awareness of self and what transformation is occurring is unfolding my very own wings of Truth that may be painful to recongnize.It all is happening as supposed to,the process can be exhausting. When you truly believe you are doing the Lord work by his leading me to follow, when not seeing progress in another yet something that questions am I hearing correct in what my role is?
            Thank you for listening to my thoughts.

          • Sandra,
            I have seen a couple other comments so I’ll make this one brief. I would listen to God and stop if that is really what you experienced. He leads in ways that are confusing at times. Yes, leaving character development up to Him is the right thing; no one controls their own development but them. Just as you are choosing to change, that choice is available…some take it like you have and are moving forward with tremendous effort, others don’t. Also, when you are in a healing and confused place, it is very easy to feel offended when no offense has really happened. That is why having a very predictable personal life is so important. When you open up your soul and are in the process of change, you are very permeable…much touches you deeply. As growth happens, so does your ability to separate yourself from others in a good way..have strong, well developed boundaries. As always, we go to Christ’s life and see how he handled the offenses. Most happened from those who proclaimed to be “Christians” yet they were full of hypocrisy. They were viewed as the intellects and knowledgeable from society but their hearts did not belong to Jesus. Read Luke 17-20…you will see how Jesus is questioned, how he responded, and how he went about His way knowing those who wanted to change would choose so. Those who didn’t, didn’t change and eventually put Christ on the cross. Spend time in the chapters mentioned and let me know what you think. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, as always your thoughts expressed with such wisdom and complete sense/excuse me for slang you are awesome and so very fortunate I think when reading how well you know /walk with Christ and the Bible from birth, you know it as a part of you and your life, so wonderful. All your insight is hugely meaningful to me and where I currently am at.
            I think of the moive I saw that depicts the story of Christ so well as you hjave portryaed in your thoughts here.I enjuoy all the Bible stories in moveie/visual .Book of Ruth is one of my favorties. I believe the one that relates to your note and my seeing, was produced by Mell Gibson? I could not bare to see to end so teribly heart shattering to know how Jesus suffered and kept standing up in the most Amazing Grace, soothing an ear of slain soldier who was of harm to him,etc. I will read what you have suggested here Colleen, Thank You again,

          • That is one of the Greatest Gifts Colleen, my knowing that you do care and that you do believe in me. I have learned so much by you, and feel the relationship with Christ growing/glowing more and more each passing day. I will let you know my thougths with reading. I hoenstly Colleen cannot work again. I just cannot be around people as not everyone is like you, or Jesus to me. It is just too overwhemling for me to be around others,esp in work situation. This being so out there with finding a place to live has juggled me and I do feel just so vulnerable,I look forward to finding a place and just being comfortable and at peace .I willl be listening to God and know I will be guided as inteded, for now just a small living space that I can be safe and feel at home. Thank you for your guidnace and most generous thoughts of my wellbeing. Sandra

          • This prayer is waht I was seeking to find in posts today, I am feeling as thought i have given up Colleen. I have had thoughts of how to kill myself, knowing I coudl not hurt myself,a child of God, filled with Light and Loving energy, yet I think what is easy ,and even the sleeping pill idea of easy will be chance of me awakening ot find I damaged my liver which I would not desire to live with as I eat so healthy and do all to keep good food /health. I am very sad for I keep asking teh Lord to guide me and what options to move forward.There are some,again in mountains I need look at,when can rebalance my energy and go look ,one is an aprtment, new efficient with washer and dryer included.Good lower price for wood floors/less allergies and with green efficietn use of energy,etc….I did not believe I would function best in an apartment as i had one experience although in this military area where most living there were in 20’s, mulitple parties,not my age group and noise was huge facrtor for me,that was one reason I so much wanted to find my own home space. I am confused. I know I will step back on track with guidance of God appearing clearly to me. Maybe in a nother few days I will feel better.
            I thought about it has been at least 15 years that I lived in isolation with PTSD and severe social anxiety, when I steeped out to seek new living environment,with thought to be more affordable/lower cost and in quiet/tranquil living space more toward a greater wellness of my mind, I seem to have found why I did live the way I do. I have been thrown about in soicity,just as I had 15+ years agao,and it left me emoitaonaly broekn down. I look forward to finding that home space and not coming back out again.I am grateful for your being there. I know some friends have difficult time wanting me to get over it all and move forward without feeling what i am, it is good for me to feel nurtured and it allows me to find more strength.So I am grateful to be able to express myself here.Iknow you hear me loud and clear,and reinforce that God is listening even though I feel aloen and abandoned at times too.
            Thank you for listening

          • Sandra,
            I know you feel like giving up, calling it quits, tossing in the towel…I can’t imagine how powerful these emotions are with in your head. AND, that is EXACTLY what the enemy wants for you to think on and believe. So giving in would be what the enemy would take delight in. Sandra, you have come too far, worked too hard to give up! So many things in life “feel like” what we have experienced before so we naturally anticipate the outcome to be the same. HOWEVER, what may “feel like” could be so very different…here’s an example. I am divorced; I was married and divorced, then remarried in 2009. There have been several times when my husband and I have “felt like” what we were working through was exactly the same as it was in our first marriages; but our feelings played into the PAST not the present. The PRESENT is so very different; we have learned to say “this feels like…, yet I know it is different so I’m trusting you because I know how much you love me”. OKAY, so this is now between you and the Lord. Yes, crap has happened in your past…terrible crap, horrible stuff that is awful to even think of and there were so many feelings associated with those experiences…rightly so. But, GOD’s love for you is perfect; He cannot and does not have any evil or mean intent so NOTHING you are experiencing is the same as before. If you are trusting the Lord as you have said and is so apparent, then you must choose to BELIEVE his LOVE will carry you through. WHY do things happen on earth that ‘feel like” or are so hard? Because we are told over and over in scripture that this earth stinks…it’s so very broken and all this crap will indeed happen…for some it happens over and over and over. It does not mean that GOD is mean or wrong; it highlights the TRUTH, that this is not our home and we must indeed trust in our heavenly Father who promises to be with us through the crap at all times. Giving in now is what the enemy would absolutely love and that is not an option! I am with you in this; you are dear and precious; created in the image of God. He has continued to provide a roof over your head, food and clothing…more than what some third world countries have. I say that not to cause guilt but to highlight that HE is with you. It is not what you or I expected. It is not what you or I would like; it is what has been allowed for a purpose that we may never know. Never forget, there were 400 years of Israelite slavery; that mean thousands lived and died without ever experiencing the promise land. Was God with them? ABSOLUTELY. But they walked by faith and not by sight. So to you my dear and precious friend I say this…you are walking by faith and not sight. Let go of every expectation, every desire, every part of self that you can think of and tell God how terribly difficult it is and how awful you feel and how you can’t hang in there without him. He knows; He is with you; He is listening. I have no clue of what is to come but I do know He has not brought you this far to let you drop or to allow you to fend for yourself…even though it “feels like” that. Please trust me on this and write any and every time you need to. I care deeply and we will see this through. Colleen

          • Thank you Colleen, Thank you for the examples of your life in how “it feels like”, and the ending of this note I want to post on my palm so I can keep looking down to read from it.
            “So to you my dear and precious friend I say this…you are walking by faith and not sight. Let go of every ex pectation, every desire, every part of self that you can think of and tell God how terribly difficult it is and how awful you feel and how you can’t hang in there without him. He knows; He is with you; He is listening. I have no clue of what is to come but I do know He has not brought you this far to let you drop or to allow you to fend for yourself…even though it “feels like” that.

            I appreciate how much you care and extend with the delicate patience and insight of your reply/response that I do realize has taken time and effort to process my sometimes numerous notes and the “it feels like” coming from multiple areas taht can seem bombarding.
            I do not know how, I am going to keep going forward to wherever God is taking my hand. I talked to him leaning with back on a tree in the park yesterday, and I heard, I am not alone, I am with you, Be Still and Know I am with you. I kept hearing this there and felt the strength of God no matter “what I felt like”, that He was speaking to me ,not going to let me go alone.
            Thank you again Colleen for caring so much. I will keep you posted on an answer to my prayer over and over yesterday and last nite,to today, what is the very next step God is guiding me with all clarity, toward a living space .

          • Hello again Colleen, I need to say, I will not turn away when I use word divert, diversion will only be if in very low space of mind and heart, and need of sitting somewhere with God in natural surroundings will help me feel so ever embraced and listen without too much anxiety indoors. I will sit in it and ask the Lord to help me see His direction. I am grateful for your adding this to note and I reread to remember, I will wirte it down also.
            I wanted to say as well, in the cabin I intend to choose a nebulizer diffuser for essential oil and at that time will look back in notes to see what you had recommended ,this will also help me as I enjoy very much being able to smell scents I will breathe and know I enjoy what smell like. It will help create a space that I can sit in, without feeling too alone,it adds that dimension of home.
            Thank you again

          • Thank You Colleen most of all for listening and acknowledging me . That is healing in of itself. And I am most Grateful. I will get to these resources, I am positive that there will be an enormous amount there of exactly what I need to help me .
            I did by the way locate in back page of Bible the Prayers of the Bible. I have it bookmarked. I feel I learn so much better by the way you say read this verse, or your Dad cites a verse, it always feels so to the point and exact for me. Sometimes I get lost in reading all at once. I will be able to know the Bible better and then be able to remember exactly where and what to read as you have provided with me.
            God is on my Side, and the One Strength within me is greater than the one in the world I have memorized.
            Thank you again

          • Colleen, you and your Dad are such a Great team! Like your Dad said in his sermon, he and you are so very much alike. I can see this, and the bond, and the same brilliance and strong character who knows how to communciate so well Gods’ Truth with pure Heart and Soul. I believe you mentioned you had been a teacher. If so, I can see this also, one of the best I can tell by the way you have walked so closely beside me through this time.
            When you speak of your stuying the enemy targeting our emotions just when we feel so aligned with God Divine Purpose, I think of how you spread every book and article on the floor and keep reading and gathering information and knowledge. I guess today computers are most handy for that. I still enjoy a book in hand myself, although much reserach available online for convenience of “google”. I like that God has gone deeper into my soul for healing, if that is why so greatly broken down,then that alone is all so worth it for me. I remember so many of your notes speaking of all the books in the Bible and those mentioned in Bible and I have read. Joseph keeps resonating with me more and more as I step further down this path.

          • Sandra,
            You are so kind to say what you did about my dad…it has been noted before that we share similar characteristics and I have always been so close to him. You are also very right about the internet. We have access to so much information and it can keep God’s word in front of us at all times. I love that. Whatever way you can connect with Him is what you should do. I too love books but I use the computer for so many things now. Great to hear from you; thanks for your kindness. Colleen

          • yes, they certainly targeted my emotions, and I felt myself crawling out of them to help a neighbor,and then yesterday my emotions did get the best of me. Today not feeling that anger of dispair and disappointment, just a deep sadness,a nauseating sickness in my gut at moment,simply want to sit and cry for I have had too many great challenges and so ready for some consistent goodness shining its way into my life,a stable cozy home with so much Love in relations coming forth with me,and more balance overall,
            I know today sadness will go once I get out to walk in abundance of God beauty in nature. I will look for I believe readings of hi goodness and sovereign plan for life today. I do see all the silver linings, and I am beyond grateful, there are simply some days just feel like I running so very low on mind capacity to cope with the enemy.My head needs so much rest right now.
            Thank you again Colleen,

          • Hello again Colleen, I am sorry the way I jumped into Now…….it was excitement I was feeling to share with you,not that it was more important .Sometimes when I write my thoughts it can sound abrupt,I am sorry.
            Also, to clarify I did not tell old neighbor’s daughter about my personal history,I had just mentioned that all with you. I simply told neighbor’s daughter that i had experience workign with Alzheimers and Dementia so I would know what to do if her Mom forgets me or anything during my visit with her.
            I remembered you told me that I would be in a place where someone may need me. I can be there to bring a smile to this woman.
            Goodnite Colleen, may you be without ice storm out there.

          • Sandra,
            I’m not sure what you needed to apologize for…you didn’t sound abrupt, you sounded absolutely delighted which would be expected for what you talked about. And, you’re right…we are always in a place where the Lord can use us but so many times we are caught up in “our own selves” that we miss the most important things God is trying to show us or direct us towards. For you, I hear only an open heart, a loving soul, and a desire to be fully dependent on Christ as He continues to provide for you all you need, every step of the way. We are trying to stay warm….the trees are laden with ice…makes me think of how our bodies must feel when we are over burdened…they sit outside my window and are reminding me to always give them to Jesus. Stay at it friend, you are doing great!!! Have a wonderful and warm weekend. Colleen

          • Oh Colleen, I want to bring you the biggest Blessing of Today. Thank the Lord for this true happening of all in its timing it will be provided. Long story, actually a friend of my x husband who lives still in the town I live was sitting outside of starbucks having coffee with a woman /owner with her husband of local antique museum type store. Of course this fellow asked where i was living. the owner of store jumped in and said her and her husband have a large historic district home they just purchased and haeve plentay of room,and going to Rome for a month ,were concerned they needed to find someone to stay there. I would have a large room,own bathroom,wifi and they are always working,traveling out of town at nite and weekends,they are very active with organizations and travel,so she said kitchen is open and privacy with their schedule.
            It has a security system! and she said it is not like them to charge alot, just something and she said also that this is work of the Lord and it will be just what i need to relax and I agreed to stabilize mentally and emotionally ,have no pressure if one month or two even ,now I can look at a clear pace to narrow down where I can make my permanent home! Clarity is key. I am glad as the other i wrote you about was over my cost for renting and to make all the effort to get there and connections of electric,computer,etc, I was getting down and out about as I am so weary of moving around and about and so much healing over this Thtanksgiving has been consuming me in a deep solitude yet Fantastic Gift kind of way. I am SO GRATEFUL for all. and your being there is beyond Fantastic! I am so very Blessed honestly. I now will have a place of Rest.
            I need to say, I prayed all morning that God speak so clearly to me so I have no doubt!!! and I was not able to hear what to do with other house rental, as I so much would prefer to buy it yet it was over priced for me. I have another woman that is offering me her realtor for option to go to Florida or Southeastern beach of SC. I was going to explore all my options. I do believe if can find a hsitoric home here, it would be just in time, like the other one I wrote your advice on I was so comfortable and at ease in,the first house i had felt that in my entire search from Jan until current—-so just maybe that woman will reduce once see I say that if she changes her mind to contact me.
            I am Just so Happy, I had literally tears swelling when this all happened just as the Lord has Planned, that is where th eemotion truly was coming from
            Thank you so much. I will let you know when moving in. I know they will have a Christmas Tree and they are so lively and have Halloween Parties and eccetric about life that I know and believe they will say okay for me to have my own Christmas tree too. That will fulfill me greatly.
            I meet this woman tomrow to see her home and to settle amoutn I can pay her and looks like I will be resting to have clarity to look with greater ease where to go more permanently.
            God is so GOod and Faithful Colleen. It truly is Wonderful. I am so very Blessed for God and you Colleen have been the truest in standing beside me and literally keeping me lifted up in the greatest of unconditional Love and Love and Light of The Word. I did not fall completely for this Love.

          • Sandra,
            There is no way we can know the ways of the Lord; you continue to follow Him and look what abounds. I am, once again, wanting to cheer from the roof-tops but remain on flat ground for safety….smile. This sounds wonderful. Be cautious not to idolize it…meaning, there may be some bumps along the way; but those too will be planned and watched over by our good and faithful shepherd. He has met yet another need. Sandra, watching this in action is miraculous. What an amazing story. I can’t wait to hear about the place. Colleen

          • The last sentence, reads funny…..meant I did not fall because of God and Your Love Colleen. I am so very Grateful for God leading me to you.
            Thank you again, I have never had someone look out for me as you have int eh way we have connected and shared so openly of Gods Gifts, and mutual appreciation for his Gifts even if feel so awafully painful before we are able to see .It is the acceptance I feel ,never judged, so very Loved. That for me is what I define as the Truest unconditional Love. It all has been So Pure. Genuine, Divine esscence of the Lord.I never felt i was a burden, that is a new feeling for me to feel.
            I will give you update over next day.
            Have a restful remainder of weekend.

          • Sandra,
            There is no feeling quite so warm as being loved and accepted as we are. Once we accept our own human faults and failures; that we are broken on this side of heaven and yet forgiven by God’s grace; then we are free to love others as HE loves us. So this is the experience you are taking in; God will use you to pass this love and fullness along to another…believe me, He is at work. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I wanted to share a poem I wrote in last year Christmas card, I recall a shorter version of this poem I had come across. This is it in full if you can open. By Christina Rossetti, Love Came Down at Christmas. The one who acknowleded it was my Physchologist,she said it was beautiful card. On front it said Glad Tidings of Joy in red scroll. I also sent a beautiful Loving card to my oldest sister who is living in denial. She did thank me by email, Love is what I strive inwardly to continue to bring to all,even when my gut feels such pain. The reminder of the Love of Christ in Christmas ismost I desire to focus .
            Enjoy this season with the ones you Love and who Love you and embrace you with the song of Jesus in all hearts.

          • Hi Colleen, I realize I worte multimple posts, I aplogize if so many to read. My gut feels a bit unsettled this morning,only because this appt to see where offering to stay will be the 5th place that I have stayed in only two months time. I guess so weary. I keep praying for the clearity of God desire for me so I have no doubt. I keep envisioning the other rental that Light is shining upon it ,the one that was 100.00 over my budget to rent, and 15,000 over my maximum budgeet to buy.That house is the one that I really have felt is a part of me somehwo. Maybe after staying where I need with this couple in their spacous what I see is 4,000 sq ft home with lots of privacy for me to rest my head ,then maybe these decisions will come easier where to be more permanently. I need to reduce costs so need to remain in budget. Alhtough God is shining the Greatest Light on the other that is not in budget.
            So I wil continue to pray on this issue presenting as confusing message for me and God to show me the clarity I need so there is absolutely no doubt.
            I also hear many people boast with joy with square footage of homes,etc. Colleen, I can have the smallest studio ,these things do not bring me the joy I am hearing in others voices. I feel where I have been in my journey has createed such humble heart I believe the word would be to use.
            Thank you for your kindness with fullest acceptance of me. And I think you know me better than any one has truly known me. It is like you “get me” at my very core who I am, others seem to think they know me,but do not. I find that interesting and I feel so fulfilled by our connection and friendship, so very Grateful for the feeling in my very Soul this connectuion by God will bringing me to you and with God so close has created.
            Have a great Sunday,

          • Sandra,
            We must go back to the truth that when we are making changes, they will not always ‘feel’ comfortable. Habits…whether bad or good…become comfortable. It is no wonder that as you make healthy choices, there will be some feelings of discomfort. It does not mean your choice is wrong, it means your choice is different. I can’t answer for you about where you are to live or what your budget is to be; that is between you and the Lord. I can say that I have lived in large homes and small ones; it never mattered the size of the home and I cared less what anyone else thought, I cared most about what GOD thought. Sandra, you can be happy in a studio, you can be happy in a mansion…the happiness is within you, not the home. So keep praying, keep trusting, and never make a decision on emotions. Wait until you have clarity and God will show you the way to go…He promises to do so. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, size of home does not mean anything to me either,I was sharing that to show there is space.That was actually part of the irrritation I spoke about in previous post was that the individuals who own and family friend who happens to be my x husband friend all boast of size and they believe I would like it too,when theat reminded me of my x husband and the chemistry of all this would not fit me in comfort of being in their company/space becasue I feel none of that is who I am. Maybe what you have shared that I need only be consumed with my own soul and nobody else. It simply felt too uncomfortable to listten to for me, I so much desire to be surrounded right now by more who are just like you are Colleen, and of God, that level of sensitivity.
            I appreciate your notes.
            Colleen, I am very glad that you have loved ones to protect you from heights, and to truly Love you. That makes me happy to know.
            I will keep you posted. Right now I am feeling too weary heaeded and hoenstly cannot as you ahve seen by multiple emails able to clearly make a good decision.God will be Faithful and continue to provide and there will be One I know is his deliverance and guidance.
            And I will hear. I will also go back over notes and read the verses,and Paul you mentoned from your Journey.
            I am sorry I feel so confused this week. I do keep remembering the Beauty of Thanksgiving and how clearly the Lord presented himself when I opened the Bible to exact page of verse you had just provided the nite before.
            And I know you care keeps me going
            Thank you ,Have a very good evening,

          • Colleen, it is interesting youmention this,as I listened to Chalres Swindoll yesterday on WMHK and with my headache right now I cannot recall book,but I wrote it down. It was beautiful in Who is Jesus? and when he said Jesus rode in on a donkey when other Kings would desire to have chariotts? etc, that is where I thought who different I have become of others .I literally am living out of car,office,shower, miss hot food from a stove,which allowed me to feel closer to Jesus way . Maybe I am wrong to say, my x husband was obsesseds with grandious and this couple and my x husband friend are the same in thinking. And they believe I like it the saem, as all I want is Truest of Love in the smallest cozy space I can find that I can call Home with God in abundance,above,below and all surrounding and within.
            Why does it bother me to share space with others that think this way, I do not know. I guess I am sorry that it does.
            I did veyr much enjoy listening to your father ministry of this topic.
            Ihope this better describes what I was saying and why I mentioned the size of home only to show what i thought would be plenty of privacy for me and social anxiety around others.
            Thank you so much for your feedback on all of this,

          • Sandra,
            Just for thought…if there was tension and anxiety in shared space previously, some of that may carry over and you are very protective of your space. That makes so much sense. Just seek balance but for a while, the pendulum may swing in the ‘protective move’ which is part of healing. Colleen

          • Thank you again Colleen. To only be concerned what God thinks I can feel becoming stronger.. I know from the abuse and alienation of my family for speaking truth and on top of that all family treating me as if I am bad evil doer for acknowledging truth and being denied acknowledgment I needed Even as adult now neices and nephews also shun me from inviting me to their weddings for I spoke truth and the one married to the pediphile created such fierce negative energy on me which none of is true,when it is a denial mechanism on their part still creeps up on me when someone criticizes and/or acts if I am unworthy.
            I have beocme stronger and I can feel on the best of days like Thanksgiving that I am so very Loved and even if feel disconnected other days I can remember Thanksgiving and The verse That the One within me is Stronger than the one in the world.
            I will keep focus on God promise and I will do all to acknowledge Him and Love him in return ever so deeply.
            Have a great day. I will keep you posted on what step He directs me.

          • Hello Collen and Happy Thanksgiving! I had to write something incredible that happened this morning. Just alittle bit ago, I thought let me open my little bible and I had intention to read Romans or David. I opened the Bible and the exact page I looked down at was John 4:, The Spirit of Truthand The Spirit of Error.”the One who is in youis greater than the one who is in the world”. This is exactly what you shared with me to keep repeating and I wrote it down on paper last evening.
            I know you know this is no error to have opened to the very page and reading of what you shared with me last evening, wow. God has spoken so very clearly through your insight and prayer so much with me last evening. I feel such a connection of Gratitude. I have not had a friend as you to feel the sharing that has taken place in God Love. What a Gift I feel has presented itself with God to have me open to this page.
            Thank you so very much for being there and sharing of this expereince and with I would imagine a very busy life, you are still reachign out to others to share,help,comfort and support with Loving Kindness with the truest experience and guidance of Almighty God.
            Happy Thanksgiving Colleen

          • SANDRA……
            OH MY GOSH!!!!! If I could stand on top of my house and applaud I would; but I have two neck injuries already so my family won’t let me climb more than the stairs. Yes, yes, yes…this is how God works. He brings things together as only HE can do and we take one more step by faith. This is exactly what defeats doubt…when there is discouragement or doubt, you can say ‘remember how the Lord worked on Thanksgiving 2013….He is the same yesterday, today, and forever…and HE will do the same. Then we take one more little step. You are getting it….this is FABULOUS! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen,
            It came to me as I listen to 89.7 awaiting the joy of Christmas music coming on at 5pm today, I thought would it be so great to have a coffee and tea shop that is sponsored somehow by 89.7, all of 89.7 with their radio staion in background and offerings of what has online yet in a physical space where individuals can sit back and absorb the radiant energy of Christ in music, similar people,reading space,etc.
            Just a creative wish.
            Have a Great Thanksgiving day.So many Thanks to you again.

          • Sandra,
            Write that down. Every invention began FIRST by a thought in someone’s head. As the angel told Mary, “for nothing is impossible with God”. In the midst of it all, He may or may not have this exact plan, but you are being mindful. One sign of growing mental health is that we become more mindful of ourselves, time, our surroundings, and others. Keep writing, keep waiting, keep stepping, and He will direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Colleen

          • I just wrote this down on paper to carry with me, I had to say to you that this is the greatest way I believe the Lord is working on me. Becasue my abuse was by family and those who abused authority, in other words I believe that my severe social anxiety has made me feel intimidated and ashamed around people in general, especially around those who begin to do a power game and/or munipulation over me, that is why I stay so isolated.With this experience as God is so within me lately, I feel his presence closer to me than ever, I never told you I have seen him twice back in September ending , in vision as if he were right besdie me glowing radiant Brightest Light and calmest energy I ever experienced .I believe he is working out my fear of people,and of all things He has put me out of my home to be around community and people almost 24/7, in my car out of a house/apartment,etc. Today I need go to Starbucks to get on computer, around people. This situation has forced me to change a habit of isolation, staying with gal in townhouse,etc. I did not know how to get out of my own way when I was living in apartment buying the house that took me on delay after dealy and then out of apartment as leased to someone else with my vacate date already handed in, and as remote area of really only Walmart,fast food restaurants,etc, unless go 50 miles out to city, I could not figure out how to live outwardly more in this community, and to hpe to meet someone special as welll, so this note you have written me brings all this exposure to mind as part of God plan.
            Thank You

          • Sandra,
            Your words… “I did not know how to get out of my own way” … are key. Very few of us realize we are in our own way. It’s easy to mistake our damaged protective responses as necessary when really, they are in our way. How great for the Lord to bring this to your mind. As you continually focus on him, you will have greater and great clarity. Wonderful note. Thanks. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, this is very interesting. The individuyal who has been my mentor and where 99% of my healing has occured by him with use of Reiki energy ,he has continuously told me for the 8 years I have known him now that my biggest problem is I do not Believe in Myself and I get in my own way. I have worked for 8 years to do what I was able because I wanted and needed to work to get out of my head and stay in my heart.
            Perhaps this is why this process walking so closely with God has transpired, for he is the only One to strengthen me in the ways he has.
            I am without anywhere to turn accept to accept his work .I will Believe I am traveling now his Path for the healing I could not do without his presence,and through you as a dear caring friend.
            Thank you for your kind note today ,

          • Hello Colleen ,I wanted to let you know I called my Dr. and She was kind enough to leave me a very supportive voicemail in reply. She reminded me that we all have light and dark sides,just like myself,we all do,and this is was to help me keep all in perspective not to take personally if there are limitations of what is provided during this time in terms of length of time and/or what someone is able to provide to help me out, and to feel Gratitude for the caring being shown to me however it is offered. This allows me to grow where i have severe social anxiety also, a better understanding and acceptance of people in general as we all have stuff. We cannot judge the level of what each is experiencing ,it all hurts the same if it hurts emotionally for whatever reason.
            Just thought I would share.
            By the way I will be with the gal I had mentioned in townhouse for one ful week before her parents arrive Tues before Thanksgiving, and the office with shower is available if no other place to go then. Like I said my intention is to land a place over this week, even if rental for now that in my price range so I can heal further before reestablishing thought to buy or not.
            With Gratitude,

          • Sandra,
            This is SO COOL! I was just speaking with a friend who is enduring a long season of trials…one after the other after another…and she received a note in the mail which meant the world to her. It was the Lord’s way of say He sees her and all that she is doing and has not forgotten about her; the simple note became a touch from heaven. Hearing your Dr. called and was so supportive at just the moment you needed to be encouraged is no small thing. And was she said is comforting; a perspective check of sorts. Yes, we ALL have many sides which the Lord is refining; thankfully He does know how to work them together for a good that brings light and life. I will continue to pray for a place that can feel like ‘home’ for you; and while we wait, God is being so faithful. We all need to be reminded of this truth…that HE is always faithful. Thanks for the update. Great to hear from you! Colleen

          • And Thank You so much Colleen for mention of a continuing prayer for a place that will feel like “home” with the comfort and stability I so much dream of by Christmas. In meantime I hold all faith in my Heart that God is ALWAYS FAITHFUL which I am so humble to feel and know .and this living situation for at least this week feels the closest to warmth of a home that I have not felt in 3 years, just after divorce and then loss of my dog, I had not felt anywhere close to what a physical safe comfortable home would feel. This gals rental townhome is in community and feeling close to what I would desire to be for my own home physically,emotionally comfortable and spiritually, even smaller space ,it is just the feeling it is bringing in awareness of where i have been, where i am going with more clarification of what I need.
            When I see this gal on her sofa with her dog lying beside her in am and relaxed state watching morning program before work, I am aware that is where I want to be, awakening in my own space to feel that comfortable and cozy to sit back morning and nite, words difficutl to describe however I know you understand.
            With Gratitude,
            Thank You Colleen,

          • Hello Colleen, I was feeling so aligned ,what a feelng that was. today seems to be mentally challenging again. I began walking this gals dog I am staying with this morning and a few houses down there was a house with foreclosure paper on window. I immediately realized it was the only single house in townhouse/duplex community. I took number and called and was then rerouted to Assessor office downtown and then nobody could give me answer other than they show it is not in foreclosure,and owner still owner . I was sent to two other places to see if i could get more info. With the chasing tail again I became irritated. It was almost like my brain so mentally expanded in this process, there is no room to go through too much more without positive results. I know it will come. I simply thought/felt maybe this was a strong message this morning that this house would appear, why I was maybe directed to this neighborhood to find it reduced to be affordable for me to buy. That is what I thought,yet still there is something else for me out there.
            I will be patient ,my brain just really tired.
            Thank you again,I will keep you posted

          • Hello again Colleen, before i need leave Hotel with this computer connection, I wanted to stay I did not understand that just before this incident with individuals likely drug exchange at property I was renting, I was with one horse, another nasty horse dominant over the sweetest one,and kept biting at him in aggression to be dominated away from my petting sweet one.
            Then I was walking in total silence letting the Lord know I was here, I am listening and to fill me up with his presence, and began exploring outside nature and picking up sticks to clean brush by mailbox,and just after that this incident with individuals who did not belong down long dead end and up and back into drive,coming fast toward me when i called 911.
            I did not understand what message of God was as I guess I was wanting to achieve something different from him, more comfort,peace, tranquility and joy.
            Thanks for being out there.

          • Sandra, your notes are coming through at different times so my apologies if my responses are confusing. I did just send some links for you to note in case you are stranded again. I continue to pray the Lord will lead you and keep you safe. Thanks for the updates. Colleen

          • Sandra,
            As always, it’s great to hear an update. Sounds like you are moving in a great direction…carefully and wisely. The story of Ruth is an incredible one; in fact, I find it wonderfully comforting to know that Ruth’s story is part of the grand line in which our Savior came through. Everyone has a story and not one element of their story is a mistake in God’s plan. For what it’s worth, where you are now is part of a bigger and great plan than what you can see or know at this time. As you walk in surrendered obedience with our Lord, He will unfold the path to which later you will reflect on in amazement. That is why we walk by faith and not by sight. I continue to believe in you and love hearing from you. Have a great day, Colleen

          • Hello again Colleen, I was able to get back to read again this post, The Book of Ruth is one of my favorites. I enjoy very much the movie I saw on Netflix that I will eventually have dvd at home to watch again. Thank You so very much again for being out there .It is such a great ray of Sunshine for me to read your postings.
            Goodnite,and May you be so very Blessed.

          • Hello Colleen, I am only temporarily on computer again, in friend’s space, I am hugely grateful a quiet setting where I have stayed in a massage office of mentor/friend for a few nites while figuiring out where I will live. I cannot stay here indefinitely or all week, so tomorrow lookng at a house that is very reduced ? if nothing I think going to sign a lease for apartment which I had come out of to buy house this summer for the noise,too long leases and overall wellbeing/comfort was not suitable, all I really truly wanted was a yard to garden and own private space, although I wanted so very much to feel safe to be outside and come and go with secure happy home feeling. Then deer processing faciltiy beyond any noise of aparmtne,not available now for me to move back, and then other extreme of farm house was too isolated and with that illegal possible drug related interaction traffic on property, house too easily to be able to break in with or w/o security system n/g for my safety and overall feeling of security there,esp with police response 1 full hour when individuals had come and gone already. That was alone hugely a sign for me not to stay there.
            So, wnated to note that I read other blog this morning too. “when life seems to feel like falling apart “, Thank You, I wil respond to that one soon.
            Thank you so very much Colleen, for I was crying all morning and have kept this blog close to my mind and in my heart. It has helped me a great deal to know you have made yourself and this webpage so available. I will continue to know God Lamp at my feet to take me where to settle my tired soul.
            I am grateful.Please Lord allow me the sense of home soon,right around the corner .

          • Hello again Colleen, These are exactly the healthy relationship characteristics that you so mentioned that I have made drastic changes in my life to bring about for myself, it ended up pretty turbulent in changing courses, for me emotionally and alot of healing ,yet not full healing of numerous core issues, i have gained a trmendous amount of widsome and learned to take care of myself, and what to look for in new relationships that I know and Believe are on the way, in means of unconditional love, the kind where neither shuns or ignores, without wanting you to be better already,get over it, woe is me I get alot from individuals and the expectation I have drained the indivdual of my hardship, to be merry and happy or receive less . That I would say is a goal of my own to develop only a marriage that I will be taken care of if needed with a FULL HEART and Soul to share, no resentment, only Unconditional Love and support that i would do without a doubt in return .
            I just wanted to note that I am waiting for the Lord to answer all my prayers, for about 3-4 years now in this regard of what you mention to have those trusted relationships that you know reliable and trusted that level of God Conscious consistent ,unwaivering unconditional Love .
            The believe my prayer has provided me in way of knowing you,Pure Ministries,others that care and love this way in Truth and Open Heart, linking me to exactly these things ,an opening for me to excel further as I have been praying for and waiting what seems like an eternity. I am grateful and feel really good about that.
            Thank you again

          • Sandra,
            It’s great to hear from you again. Sorry for the delay in my response; I’ve been under the weather for a bit. It sounds like you are being wise and evaluating the many aspects of healing…not just emotional or physical healing but spiritual and relational healing as well. It is so easy to categorize life…to think if one area is working well, then all must be well when actually, there are many dimensions to the human soul. I can only encourage you to keep seeking truth as you are, learn and read as you are doing, and stay connected to those who bring you healing. You seem to be on a great path; it’s an honor to hear from you and pray for you. Have a blessed day. Colleen

      • Hi Colleen, I believe the most difficult for me over past 30 days has been the Silence felt from lack of reply from others that I did reach out to itell of circumstance and certainly to reach out to ask if there is any small studio in more quiet and restful setting for me temporarily until I know what direction to take for permanent home setting. The individuals ranged from Pastor of local Church, some casual aquantences and some who I believed were friends, and whether they all were too busy for me, or simply did not know what to say to me, it was the Silence that was most painful. ANd last nite when up all nite, I cried and prayed to God to hear me and help me, and today struggled quite a bit emotionally and mentally and prayed more regarding the sadness of SIlence, and I opened email to find your note! Amazing Grace of God is all I can say, I will re read your note and pray I sleep well tonite. I feel really good about this new connection and I feel God is guiding me exactly where I will be understood and accepted, and I know the difference very well.
        Thank you again Colleen, I will update you when i explore all the information you have shared and how it has been so very helpful, I know it will, I am certain I am on GOd’s path.

        • Sandra,
          There is purpose…even in silence. While we easily believe it’s God’s absence, it is often His presence which has removed all other distractions so we may hear only His voice. When it’s quiet, as Samuel did, simply say… “Lord, I am listening, I am here, fill me with your presence”. I have repeated that over and over…just stay at it. I really believe in you and yes, there is AMAZING GRACE covering you at this very moment. Colleen

          • Colleen, I truly resonate very well with this of what Samuel said,and I will write that one down for me to recite. and interesting, MIRCI told me to Believe. The Reiki Master who worked with me for 8 years here where I live always told me all I need to do is Believe in Me, and I know that is to Believe in God with total Trust.
            Thank you again,
            Thanks You

          • Hello Colleen , I came back to view readings, I found what to say to the Lord in asking to hear only His voice, it was from this note from you.
            Thank you again, yesterday connection by you all seemed to make all reason to come,today nothing fits. I will do some reading to help me.I need remember those who do not have shelter nor food, I need be grateful for at least a roof ,kitchenette and food, heat if needed. There are so many others that have greater needs.

          • Sandra,
            There is a book titled “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp that you may find very healing. She also has a Facebook page and daily email titled “A Holy Experience” that is wonderful. She is one of the most gifted writers I’ve come across and her work is so Godward; soul nurturing in a way that it leaves one quiet in thought. Let me know if you choose to check it out and enjoy her stuff. Have a lovely afternoon. Colleen

          • I just reread this from way back….
            this is what you wrote to me….
            “There is purpose…even in silence. While we easily believe it’s God’s absence, it is often His presence which has removed all other distractions so we may hear only His voice. When it’s quiet, as Samuel did, simply say… “Lord, I am listening, I am here, fill me with your presence””. Colleen Swindoll

            i also say this ever since you guided me some time back here with this thought. I was searching back to try to find the workbook name you mentioned would be helpful with letting go and forgiving specifically with my Mom? do you remember? it was a “workbook” . Altough I have so much going on, i did want to get a copy and begin looking it over.
            Thank you,Goodnite

          • Hello there Colleen, I just love how God works! He keeps an eye on all of us at once,intertwines these most amazing synchronicities and connections.
            It is always a pleasure to hear this.
            Thank you

  6. Hi Colleen, living where i am living right now the individual I have trusted as a friend, is really not a friend , he has been mocking my moving closer to God and sarcastic with hurtful comments of my finding interest in talking to others who fulfill me with compassion. All positive is happening for me and I had been relying on this friendship for full emotional support locally. That is one reason I feel like fleeing as well, to get away from controlling attitudes of those who think so selfishly and do not have the depth of experience of what I am exploring of God.When I am doing all to move forward and heal, my one support I thought I had is not supportive in my moving forward in Light of God and choices that are for better interest of my receiving such unconditional Love .I am feeling so stuck in every avenue at thsi time,because I already have only one ,if two individuals that I have relied on solely(one mentor/healing coach, and the one physchologist who is always there when in crisis by phone ,have not seen her in 3 years with not being able to afford) That is where I have disserviced myself severely.This one that is not supportive is munipulating with my vulnerabilities to decrease my moving toward greater offerings for me.
    Thank you

    • Sandra,
      Wow…I just saw this note after reading your earlier one and am so sorry for the challenges that continue. As we’ve talked, it’s clear you need to be in a place that promotes your healing; not one that causes you more damage. I’m limited in knowing what your options are; there are many moving pieces to your situation. It does sound like the counselor is helpful and available by phone…great! Your strength to persevere will have to come from Christ as He is the only one who can provide exactly what we need when we need it at just the right moment. What that looks like practically for you…I don’t know. I do know any situation that negatively impacts your relationship with Christ will only do more damage and make things more complicated. This may be a time where you go to your church or to a church and sit in the quietness of the sanctuary or prayer room…many churches are open and quiet during the day. You may have to pull away and in quietness, seek Christ for His direction. I have met some very amazing people who were in damaging situations and chose to attend an AA meeting in their area…not because there was an alcohol addiction but because the support for survival was desperately needed. There may be a group near you that could offer you that kind of support…one dear friend went to two meetings a day as he was beginning to heal. Again, I’m throwing that out for your to prayerfully consider; not saying THAT is the answer but trying to think of options where you could find the kind of critical support you need at this time. I will continue to pray and know that our great God is keeping you in His care. In His mighty arms of strength, there is rest. Colleen

  7. Dear Colleen, I rarely ever comment on websites, but I just want you to know how much your ministry touches my heart, along with all the guests you interview. I am not from, nor have ever really been around special needs people (PURE people), but your ministry is stirring my heart to somehow serve these families. I’m not sure how just yet, or even when, but I know that my ministry is hospitality, so I’m already pondering ways in which that can be used. Thank you for all the work you do in educating those of us who really don’t “get it”–not because we close our eyes, but because we’re just unaware, and fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing. May the Lord’s blessings continue to lead you.

    • Terri,
      What an amazing note from you…I am so excited for you! I have heard so many people say after they began to work with the Special Needs community that their lives have been forever changed, forever blessed because of the people they support. There is nothing like it, Terri. In fact, some have said they began thinking they would be the one giving when in fact, what they received in spirit far outweighed anything they had to give. You have some incredible days ahead … I can’t wait to hear how the Lord uses you, ministers to you as you open your heart to serving Him through this group. Please let me know how the process comes along…if you have any concerns or questions, I would love to help. You are an inspiration! I can’t help but wonder how many others may read your words and be feeling the Lord move on their hearts as well. How exciting! Have a great day and do keep in touch! Colleen

      • Oh thank you for your response. It brought tears to my eyes that you would take the time to respond with your very busy schedule! Your comment about what we receive outweighing what we thought we would give is so very true. My “theme” verse for the hospitality ministry I’m praying for is Prov. 11:25 “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched and one who waters will himself be watered.” (ESV), but I like the NIV better on this one ” …He who refreshes will himself be refreshed” and that’s what I want to do — refresh those who are frazzled. And though the whole ourselves-being-blessed sounds a bit self-serving, it’s just the truth of how God made us: to give to each other and not hoard, either our resources, our time or our hearts, and when we live true to the manner or our created mission–we’re blessed by our Creator. What a great God we serve!

        Here’s one of my beginning ideas: What I would like to do is have dinners, or teas, or “getaway” events for caregivers. A time where they can just relax and be pampered, talk to each other, cry if they need to and just be refreshed with yummy food (and NOT a potluck), peace and down time. It’s awkward in my mind to try to invite moms (and dads, when my husband is there), but not include their PURE child. Is it rude? I can’t imagine them NOT needing some pampering, but I also wouldn’t want to hurt their (possibly) already isolated hearts.

        Could you help me know how to go about such an invitation? I also know that some folk don’t have the support of another caregiver that can care for their loved one while there gone. Since, I’m only at the beginning, this is one way of getting into their lives to be a support for them and then eventually their child.

        Let me know your thoughts, or if you have a link I can go to for this. I know your schedule is full, so no hurry, just put me on your “to do” list. 🙂 Terri

        • Terri,
          What an incredible note!!! God is most definitely moving in your heart and that is such a delight to hear! Your ideas are great; keep praying and making lists, the Lord will direct you continually. Your question about inviting parents and including their kids is a good one. From talking with other families and my own experiences, I suggest trying to find time when the kids are not present. Reason being, it is almost impossible to relax when our kids or loved ones with needs are present. Webster defines respite as a temporary intermission of labor, or of any process or operation; interval of rest; pause; for you to provide time to ‘pamper’ and refresh caregivers, true respite is like an intermission from the daily, incessant demands. Several years ago, I spoke for a group of women who had come for an afternoon of ‘pampering’. It was one of the greatest events I’ve been to; the woman planned a ‘spa day’ held at a local country club with snacks, pool, messages, lunch, gifts, and then I spoke. Her team had gone into the community and many local organizations had donated items from their stores just for these moms. There was a small fee but the day was saturated with rest. If my son had been there, I would not have rested. So, it may be good to plan when school is in session or when your church can offer help in some way. These details are all a part of prayer and how the Lord will direct you. Also, there are several great on line ‘helping’ communities; organizations that have set up a system where someone can begin a ‘community’ or sorts…ways to set up an online small group and the caregiver is able to let the group know when/what kind/details of needs. The one I am most familiar with is called “Lotsa Helping Hands” ( )…it is fantastic!! Their “partner’s page” lists over 50 other organizations that would help as you research the best way to offer support…tips, ideas, newsletters, blogs, on line webinars, so on…here’s the link… . Another site is called The Caregiver Action Network ( ) which also offers many support ideas. I also know that several Christian ministries offer a lot of ideas-Key Ministry was founded by a friend of mine; Key is purposed to provide direction to churches for respite care. Their site is . The December Skype interview is with Steve G. who founded Key…awesome interview! Of course Joni and Friends is a great organization as is “Snappin’ Ministries” ( )directed by a friend of mine named Barb Dittrich. Several books have been very helpful as well. They include: “An Unexpected Journey-When Special Needs Changes our Course” by my friends Joe and Cindi Ferrini. We have aired two interviews with the Ferrini’s…one is with Cindi who talks about caregiving and the other was with Joe and Cindi…both were great! ( ); “How Can I Help-A Friend’s and Relative’s Guide to Supporting the Family with Autism (not just for families with autism) by Ann Palmer. There are a lot of other resources but hopefully this offers you a broad spectrum of places to look for ideas and things to do/not do. One of the blog pages I write for is called “Not Alone-Special Needs Parenting” ( ) which may have some insight to offer as well as their Facebook page. Insight for Living’s Facebook page is also an excellent resource for interaction…our link is .Terri, again, I am so excited for how the Lord has moved in your heart; I would love to stay in touch and hear what direction you choose to take. He created you with gifts absolutely unique to you; I can’t wait to hear how His name is honored through you. Stay in touch, Colleen

          • Dear Colleen, many many thanks for your response and all the great links that you sent me. I will bookmark them all and delve into them as I wait on the Lord and his timing. I’m glad you told me that it’s okay to not include the special needs loved ones in the times of ‘refreshing’ as I didn’t know how to go about that without being rude or hurting their feelings, or worse, making it seem like they weren’t welcome. I’ll check out the post on what not to say vs. what to say since I’m such a beginner at this. I just watched the video of your dad interviewing your son and it was just delightful–he just seemed unscathed somehow and I sometimes wonder if folk like your son are really more like God intended us all to be and WE’RE the ones missing the mark. Thank you again for your time and if you don’t mind, I’ll be your cheering section while I wait for the Lord to unfold his plan. 🙂 Blessings, Terri

          • Terri,
            You are so kind…I’m thrilled you liked the interview and yes, it was a very great experience. I have to agree whole heartedly…I think most kids like Jon have something on the rest of the world; unimpressed with what this world pushes as important. Those of us who were behind the camera LOVED the ‘ordinary’ way they interacted…how I long for all to understand everyone is ordinary and God is extraordinary! We are hoping to do another interview with them; there is much said in those ‘unsaid’ moments. I do hope what was sent will help and feel free to ask for help at any time. Have a great Sunday!

          • Terri,
            You are very welcome! I hope the links help; I’ve found so many resources ‘by accident’. I would love to hear how things come along as you step out in obedience. I’m thrilled for you and for those you will touch. Literally, you will be changing their lives which is what God calls us to do through His strength. In addition, He will shower you with more joy than you can imagine. What an exciting time! Thanks again for your note. Colleen

  8. Thank you for this excellent interview. I have a brother with Down’s, so I have been surrounded by a “special” person all my life. I always remember my mother telling us that he was “special” and I had no reason to doubt. His spirit shines out and grabs everyone. Now as an adult, I see what you both were talking about, how people shy away from those who are different. In the government industry in which I work, there are a lot of “special” janitors. What a difference it makes just to learn their names and ask them how they are doing, how was their weekend, etc.. It takes such little effort and then you have a friend for life.

  9. Hello Colleen, you are so very welcome. I believe you know me well enough by now, I only speak truth, some have said to others in speaking of me that I am the most honest person they have ever known. And it is interesting how both you and your Dad are so similar even in the communciation of words and with the same emphasis on verse and/or concept being communicated. It is a greatly rich relationship and Blessing, I am glad that you have had what you do together. It brings God so much more close to home and just from my experience with you via blog, when two great Hearts connect on scripture and the joy of how the Lord works and communicates,etc, it is felt even stronger within and all around in your space. I guess that is the beauty of prayer,when more than one individual prays as team for another , it is in an abundance that it is then felt, a magnitude of positive energy of God.
    Thank you for writing me today,
    Enjoy your studies, I look forward to hearing more of this work you are doing as it seems it so relates to what I am experiencing, probably many others
    Thank you Colleen

  10. Colleen, The Seller accepted offer, it went back and forth since mid morning and finally agreed to my top price that is on loan app. I did not get the full 2500 closing,they went down first to 1000 and then accepted my going back with 1500.00.My realtor did not think they would accept if i went higher on that. So if I need sit on floor, I have fireplace, and can live without sofa for a year if need to. I am relieved will have in hand signed copy to bring to lender tomorrow and keep prayers that all goes smooth for a clsoing could take place essentially by Easter if it does. I have to say, my face is numb, I feel numb, and like “is the cost clear”.LOL. Almost hyperventilating feeling faint. So for moment yes I have contract on thsi house with 2.66 acres. They came down 10,000 . I am most grateful and I will put down 10% that I have kept for buying a home toward all closing payemtn still in my price range of 506.00/month .I can have my own garden and vegetebles from there, also they included the appliances including washer and dryer. I can then take all my belongings out of storage.I feel like pinching myself yet .I will still remain grounded to be sure this is all what God intends to go smoothly from here out to closing. I really feel Blessed by all the prayer that was offered for me, all your support and guidance.And it will not end here for I want very much to be a part of your facebook page,and keep you posted and learn more. Today Colleen I kept giving it all to the Lord, I kept saying I TRUST in Him completely and I entrust my care complety in Him and whatever will he sees I accept it fully. And I felt His presence so alive and full of Light around me, it was the most beautiful thing. I took a walk to calm and soothe me in waiting and I felt His embrace and comfort and I literally began to giggle and say I am having a Jesus party/celebration while walking listening to birds song and all the blooms right now. I was not sure which way this would go. So far, it is God will and all in His hands and this is what He is choosing,then this is what will be right and true for me to follow.
    I will keep you posted furhter. And I will have a new neighbor, about 3-5 miles away that I can call upon and help too, my Realtor ,and another person lives yet maybe 3 miles from there, My Reiki MAster.LOL. I realized that this morning. I know he will be very happy to have me out of his office.LOL. And another new friend maybe 10-15 mintues away is my Tax Accountant who has been a true gem too, so Faithful, her Pastor helped her open her own office this year.So this is her first year solo. She prayed too Colleen and has helped me with guidance to my Realtor. I am truly Blessed, in 9 years living here, I have just met some delightful people I can really be me around and they are all kind hearts,no games.
    Goodnite,Thank you for your most kind Heart!

    • Sandra,
      I am so very thrilled for you!!! What a joy this message was to read. I see you wrote others; I’m out of town at a conference so I’ll catch up with the other’s in a bit. But, I did want you to know I have received this and the others. Also, what a delight…a pure, wonderful joy to know you have a place to call home. Very blessed! Colleen

      • Okay, wonderful. I thought maybe there was something wrong with disqus, as it has been saying “holding” without saying what it usually would after I post note. So, I am truly delighted that you did and have received all my notes.
        Thank You so very much Colleen for letting me know and being so thrilled for me. I know I have told you before, I will say again, you are such a Gem of a Lady! I am most grateful.
        I look foward to further exchange this week.
        Take care and Enjoy your conference.
        Thank you for note and thoughts

        • Sandra,
          Yep, I’m delighted for you….that is for sure!!!
          Also, if there is something different with Disqus that you notice, do let them know. You can submit a notice and they will attend to it right away. Just an FYI. Thank you for your compliment! We are all so human and see our own flaws so quickly; encouragement goes such a long way. Thank you. Bless you dear one as you move into this next phase of your life. I am filled with anticipation over what the Lord will bring. We will both keep trusting in His faithful, good name. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Yes to Keep Trusting in His Good Name! Thank You so much for note and keeping Faith with me.
            I will let you know if disqus continues to do this. As long as you are receivng the posts,this is very I cannot log into page and sign in, and it does not let the full home page of disqus come up on interent, when key in And when I hit post as Sandra on your page here it sits with saying it is OnHOld, and it never changes ? maybe it is being updated? I will see how it is this week and bring an update to you.
            Thank You Again Colleen, Have a really Blessed evenign and day tomorrow.
            I know your lesson will be terifc tomorrow.

          • Hi Colleen, I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I prayed for you today and with the most heartfelt Gratitude I expressed to God for your care and guidance, and asked for the warmest Heartful of Blessings to be Bestowed upon you there through Jesus.
            House inspection very minor details to have owner repair, so minor. Inspector said it was a real gem of a place, location, sturdy, well built little cottage home, builder my realtor knows and inspector knows,so said he is very good. Solid house, neat well maintained place. Inspector was pleased for me and praise dthe owner fo rhaving kept up with maintenance so well.
            So closing right now looks like will be 4/25, I will keep you posted. Jesus was all over at this house today. Colleen, I said I would plant a yoshino cherry tree there as soon as arrived, hoping it was going to be Easter, and that was going to be my Easter and tree for Jesus presence in my life. Today the owner pointed out he had planted a cherry trreee, I am not certain yet if yoshino. If it is yoshino it was the pink variety not the white I was thinking of. Jesus was speaking to me with this and owner was so genuinely nice. He is husband of wife who was not there, he is going to leave me the wood left over from flooring in attic for living room to match all other flooring placed already. He is going to check to see if cost to transefer secuirty system and to see if he can lower cost for me per month. He said he saved alot of money living here for the attic fan works so well ,no need to run a/c , alot of shade trees fill in over summer, big oaks, and jsut retains heat and cool whether witner or summer. Very efficient. He said neighbors retired military, he is military too. I have not ever felt such ease and comfort and a sense of content peace overcameth me completely with this house and relations with owner to me uncommon courtesys that felt so heartwarming.
            He said they have had a cat outdoor they feed to keep away any if there were mice,etc. LOL. he never saw any, but the cat comes by every nite at 5. His wife wantst to take the cat with them, but if does not, he said he will let me know and I would continue to take care of cat that watch es outside for me.LOL.
            SO Blessed I feel today. Jesus is so FAITHFUL as you ahve been reassuring me, it is such a good feeling to have Him in my Life daily ,moment to meoment now, no matter what and I do need stay close to Him and to you Colleen and others that are as Faithful. Like you said we need each other.
            I Love You Colleen for all the precious caring loving thoughts,guidnance and wisdom with genuine care you have had for me, I am so Blessed to have found you here and Insightfor living . I am jsut so Grateful. It was you that helped me so much and carried me through with guiding me closer to my relationship with Jesus, to see Him right beside me, never alone.Trust was the word that came to me today. Always Trust in the Lord no matter the challenge we face. Thank You so much.

          • Sandra,
            I am so over the moon excited to read all the Lord is doing…showering you with blessing upon blessing. What a comfort to know He has been planning this for you all along. I’m thrilled the house is strong, in a beautiful place; and that you have confidence in the builder and the inspector. Of course we know there will be some challenges but here is the best news, when God shows His faithfulness in such an abundant way, we remember and recall that when things are so great. He is always at work even though we can’t always see his hand as you have learned. But in it all, the waiting brought you to this place of rejoicing and to a spot you can now call home. I will pray for your security and safety….that you sense you are safe and fear doesn’t creep in; that you won’t get discouraged when what seems perfect isn’t always perfect, and that you will continue to trust in the Lord to be faithful. The trees, security system, comfort and calm will continue to breathe healing into your life. God’s blessings upon you today. Only by His grace,

          • What a beautiful note Colleen, I so look forward to our coorespondence and check in to find a note….yes, I will keep this experience I have had so close to my heart and soul, to never forget the Glory that I have found in closeness of God through Jesus Christ unwaivering faith in being sure my needs were met, bumpy road,but always met my needs for food,shelter,loving relationships, caring and comfort I found here with you and finding myself in His presence stronger and stronger growing closer to Him. I will want to be prepared for there will be hopefully not as teribly long challenges ahead, gosh,when there is a little bump now, I may be immune to a reaction for it will not seem so stressful for me. I want to write down many verses to be able to have this time in event of any feeling of crisis that I can read and read and read as you have guidend me to do in past notes. I would like to know the one you recommennd for the times we need lean into God. I know it may be reapet of another blog we have had and I will go back once settled to read and look at what I wanted to look at again more closely . Today I want
            to let you know I opened Bible at park and kept reading what seemed so right and true , from Ephesians ,Philipians,Thessalonians, I apologize for misspelling.very sorry. This is right where I needed to be in Bible today and I thoroughly did not want to stop reading.
            I look forward to much more reading and I have the greatest desire to feel my space is a home filled with the presence of God, a home and me embraced with the Love of Jesus Christ, and rejoice in this space with incredible Gratitude.
            All is moving along to this direction.
            I need to mention I found out one of the hosues in view as neighbor has an older man, the builder, he had built this small cottage house for his parents at time back in 1978. They needed eventually to be in nursing setting. Well, this man lost his wife a few years back and I learned he has Dementia also. He is in nursing center, although his daughter takes him home to this house on weekends. This now another indivudal with Dementia/ I understand from owner of home I am buying that he used to come over and leave vine ripe tomatoes and cut flowers for him and his wife on their front porch. I look forward to meeting him, hope not too confusing that I will be living there after 4/25
            Thank you Colleen so very much for prayer you have expressed for me , I could not be happier with what you mentioned to God for me. Thank You wholeheartedly.
            Love Sandra

          • My dear Sandra,
            You are right on when you say you may hit a bump or two in the road but the path to now has been so full of challenges you may not be shaken by it at all. In the case that you are, there are many verses I can think of that help when things are tough. Deuteronomy 8:2, Ephesians 3:20-21, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, James 1:1-10, Romans 12:12, Romans 12:13, and Psalm 121. Those just came to mind….more than you asked for but may be helpful at just the right moment. What a story full of grace….the man who lived there before you…I’m touched by the thought that your place has this beautiful history in it. Thank you for sharing. I pray as you begin to settle in as the days approach, that you will continue to feel God’s peace and grace through and through. Have a wonderful afternoon dear one. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, Happy Easter .I wanted to express what a Glorious Day and that it is largely a part of what you have taken me to, my calling by the Lord, the journey to see Him so clearly and His purpose for all of us.
            I am yet in the office, I feel a tad sad that I was not in my home and yard yet to celebrate Jesus Christ on Easter in the way that I would find the Greatest beauty in planting a yoshino cherry tree and having my clothing I believe is fresh for Easter, all in storage still this day. Then I realize it is the Lord within me that is all I need to feel and that I am aware and so much can see His radiance today and Glory surrounding me. It is in all gratitude that I feel such depth of Love of/for Him and God the Father for bringing His Glory to all of us.
            I know you are having a very special day with your family close and all feeling the presence of the Lord.
            Thank you, I will keep you posted this week, working with owner to get a few more repairs done and seem still all clear as long aas repairs settled futher tomorrow and by Wed latest, we will be closing Friday.I intend to move in Sat ,looking for some helpers to take heavy armoire/table and chairs, chest and outdoor wicker chairs out of storage.all else all boxes.
            Happy Easter
            Love Sandra PS I notice a background had not seen before,pretty blue pattern on disquis? suddenly appeared,I like it very much.

          • Hello Colleen, this will be a very busy week, excited, nervous, overwhelmed with can this all be what I have made every effort for really coming to me.My energy is low from lack of sleep mostly and the process I have undergone..and for all these jitters of what need to get done to close on Firday and my moving into house.
            I have something I need your insight with. I listened to the testimonial of your mother on dvd for second time. It gave me gooosbumps all over when first listened to her. I understand at many levels her emotion, and I do relate to forgiveness. I am rrently that I am not able to be acknowledged in the forgiveness but continue to feel a level of abuse ,humiliation, discomfort. It is by my mother. It has been since before I was conceived I know . She is not a warm mother, in fact the first time ever called me precious or dear one is by you Colleen. I have grown just with your embrace of what I would be like if I had ever been a mother,and I have spoken the same for other tender souls that have had some connection with me where I was able to embrace. Even my dog I loved with a full heart and soul. He was ever so precious. Well, with my mom, I called her yesterday,of late it becomes harder to call ,now down to holidays, and even then I have to dig deep to go with calling. Yesterday, my father answered and I was returning his call to say Happy Easter. After we spoke a little bit, I found out my mother was in kitchen just getting last part of meal compelted. I said to my dad I would call back later. In meantime a sister in background wildly was yelling tell her to call back later a few times she exclaimed this. I said I have said I would call back later. This is not uncommon. My mother no matter what time of day I call reacts if I am a bother to her. So I have left where she can call me usually. So, I did last nite, I decided I just was not up to negative energy, she would maybe say as in past that the card was “too religious” i sent or she was so busy when I called, or something to bring irriation to my being . Yet she watches mass on Sunday morning, I do not feel her Christian heart and soul in any relationship. and I have a house closing and so much to look forward to this week and my new relationship for Jesus is One who brings me His radiance and find such a great space I can feel positive with and within.I went to sleep early as thought she may have people still there at 7pm, so I just turned phoen off and went to bed early as I was in need of rest after 8pm. She did call and left voicemail that “she said Happy Easter and she was going to call me back but forgot, so called when just rememered”. That is my mother. My question is with forgiveness , how can one forgive when it is past and present and feels abusive,or toxic for your being?
            Thank you, I really need to hear your opinion on this. There is no changing her, I have made every effort and she has continuously betrayed me, i find her speaking in evil way to another behind my back for no reason other than she is unhappy angry woman and will deny this is true.
            Thank you,

          • Hi Colleen this morning. My mother called again last nite,and i looked at phone and said okay let me pick up. I did. I feel always not knowing what it will bring me, good or bad or ugly, I know I am always on edge of honor thy parents and okay will I feel good and comfortable and unhurt or less than positve energy with who she is today. i was pleasantly surprised perhaps by your prayer I could feel a positive energy over conversation. It was definitely Jesus at work. She thanked me for the card and liked it very much, the cross on front as i noted in card did remind her of crosses she would make with palm from palm sunday. I was so fulfilled to hear this as I sent the most beautiful Easter card that expressed Jesus risen and the truth of Easter. I sent the card not knowing what her reaction as depending on her mood, I am always on eggshells with not knowing which way would go. She can offend, be rude,hurtful,abusive with not a sign of Jesus in her heart. So this was huge . And I connected with her of talk of seeing Jesus and how i have grown to see Him and find the in His presence with me, and learn to know how and lean on Him through this challenging time. . .She did say that would be good right. And I said yes. She did at end of conversation have enough and was sounding irriation rising as she wanted to go watch Dancing with the stars. I was glad it was okay conversation . We may not speak again for a time, I was so relieved that our Easter conversation although a day later than Easter was what Easter was about, the Light and Healing Love I feel with presence of Jesus. and how wonderful to have celebrated that with someone that can be so evil at many times,so cold hearted, yet connect on the Beauty of Truth and deliverance at Easter.
            Thank you and I am sorry to put you on spot with my question. It is an unfriendly subject that has not changed even with time and effort. the moments I describe above are hit and miss,. the hits is what i seem hold my breathe for.
            Regarding move, she did not congrat on house, just said “i hope it works out for you, and soon will be in house” I continue to find comfort in Lord and Know and Believe it will all be okay at house, I know my parents and family is where I learned to doubt so well,and now have such Belief in Lord that after speaking with them,sometimes I feel sick to stomach and need get realigned for Faith of knowing I am taken care of ,and it seems quickeer to realign now as Jesus so strong in my presence. I am so happy about that.
            I would have liked to send you the card for Easter,it was so beautiful.I know without a doubt that you woudl have just adored it in the Highest place of your heart and soul.
            Enjoy Spring weather and blooms,
            I will keep you posted. Uhaul truck set for Sat now,with closing later Friday. Last of repair went in to owner yesterday,and see where at today.
            Thank You for being here,and ever so nurturing,caring and Loving precious soul ,sharing Jesus with me so open heartedly and with Rejoice always.As I have told you before, what this has offered and helped me is huge.Have a great day,.

          • Sandra,
            Just a quick thought on your note. I’m so glad you had a good exchange with your mom…since they are few and far between, the good ones are so appreciated! That is good news. I also want to mention that as I read your words, it sounds like your mom’s moods really effect you; thus, you are probably still trying to get some needs met that she won’t ever be able to meet. I would ask myself…if the conversation had gone badly, what would I have felt, wanted to say, thought about during and after…would it have affected you strongly is the question? And if so, then there is still some homework related to the mom issue that would be very important for you to do. There is a book titled “Walking on Eggshells” and a subsequent workbook that goes with it. I think that would be a good one to study and see if it aligns with your gut responses. Just a thought. Thrilled you are almost on the finish line with the home…God’s blessings are abounding for you. I’m celebrating you today! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I am always so amazed how wonderful you truly are, yes, there are these Mom issues is correct,right on mark and I am grateful you see so clearly. I believe that is why I took it to your attention. I pray about it, yet it so teribly still effects me. And interesting, so many have told me I will not ever have those needs met, some part of me unconditionally seeks it ,like it is built in me to believe it will come . I am grateful you are so experienced /gifted in your understanding so many issues and the layers that go with . And the literature you are aware of .I will look for this book and work on this “homework”, and literally will have a Home, to do this work most faithfully in .
            Yeah! Thank You very much for this recommendation, I knew you would know where to guide me including the Lord prayer and reading. I llook forward to the workbook.
            I found out today the underwriting of Lender has cleared me to close officially Friday, Thurs is final walk through and I have a contracter that will walk with us to go over all with me. It has amazed my Lender/who has been a friend to me how this is polar opposite than last contract from last Summer into Fall that fell through. The Lord has protected me and provided in exactly His timing and when it is so aligned with Him ,all falls right into place,as it has . The processer of Loan said to me today that The Lender I have been working closely with has taken a personal interest in helping me get this loan to have a home,and I felt really good about that,as I know she is a genuinely kind Christian gal, and we will remain friends.
            I will keep you posted. I rented a UHaul truck for Sat, and will move in Sat. I am looking so forward to living there, even my contracter that will walk through on THurs went out today to just look at outside and said this is ideal for me,and that it is so much better than the house I was looking to buy last year.He liked it very much and loved the mature oak trees, nicely shaded property too. I could not be more Grateful. and feeling so Blessed that The Lord allowed me such growth and I am so happy He did ,for I can feel a renewed self that has blossomed.
            Thank you for your Many Blessings,and I share the same sentiment for you Colleen.Thank You for celebrating me. You officially are the first person to say that, I have said that to a niece once,and it feels really like a reward to hear that to me. I will update over next few days.
            Thank You, Sandra

          • Sandra,
            Oh I am over the top thrilled for you….a place to call home! It seems the path has been ever so smooth and that is such an incredible gift from the Lord. Moving has many challenges so to read you have been cared for is absolutely fantastic…Praise be to our Heavenly Father! Regarding the mom stuff…you are right in saying “there is some part of me unconditionally seeks it ,like it is built in me to believe it will come”; as I said we all have that longing. The truth is that it may never be filled by your biological mother because she may not have the capacity to fill that space. There is a grieving process in giving that wish, that hope for it to come…it is so terribly sad when we have to let it go. However, God does not leave us empty and does provide others who fill our soul’s in different ways. As you let go…which takes TIME…you are more open to healing. I would ask the Lord to bring some people into your life who will love you and care for you in a nurturing way. As you release your mom and the longings you have, you will be able to see her in a new light…one of forgiveness and acceptance of who she is. Not acceptance of the hurt but understanding that due to her own hurts and her choice to not walk through the path of healing, she is not capable of filling you as the Lord intended. There will be in you a compassion and grace that grows as the healing process unfolds. You will also be so free in your spirit; anytime we are clinging to our longings, we are not really free. There are many things we can talk through regarding how the healing process but I would encourage you to get the ‘walking on eggshells’ book and workbook and study the exercises. It is secular and you will definitely want a Christian influence through the process. This can be one of our new prayers for you. What courage, Sandra, what an incredible spirit you have and I so admire you for opening this up and wanting to be more whole. Let me know how the move goes…HURRAYYYYYYY!!! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, you so know and have such a full understanding of so much. I am so pleased I did open up to you regarding this issue and YES I so much only would prefer the Christian influence. I have grown to know this is what is Right and True for my very Heart and Soul, so Thank You, and I know you know me now that I am going to be gettign this workbook as soon as I can settle from move.
            Hurray sounds so wonderful. Colleen, just today I received a call from Lender, after underwriiting had congratulated me just a few days back and we are all ready to close Friday, I was ready in car to go to walk through for 12 Noon today,it was just before 11:30 and Lender calls and says we have a problem. ….That underwiriting rerequested a statement of a mutual fund and wanting it on letterhead,etc. I do not have the words to express right now how wrong i feel that is to lead someone with congratulations and then request something they requested early on, and needed to see that it was “mutual fund ” not IRA. I provided this early on and now they want last minute and I walked through house not expressing yet to Realtor that I am on edge of totally not knowing if we will close tomorrow or a delay. As underwriting at first wanted it from Headquarters the statement which would take up to 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I am going to go for a walk. My lender just called and said she will call me right back,so I am not sure yet status of all. They owners are moved out into the inlaws for they looking to buy a house or stay with inlaws as husband deployed in OCt. I am praying that this be just a bump in road as all did go so smoothly I guess liable to happen and get reight back on track.
            I will write you later to let you know. I am going to keep Faith strong. I have electric and water in my name for tomorow.
            I will talk later.And I did want to reply more to all you wrote, as others including x husband was always telling me to let go, I let go when away at distance but when in that space or on phone it seems come up,so that means I guess did not let go completely.
            Love Sandra

          • Oh my dear Sandra….
            Shoot!! That stuff with moving can be such a surprising deal. AND YES, it’s always at the very last minute…as if you can just jump up and hand over documents. I’m so sorry. Going for a walk is a fantastic idea. Yes, get outside, breathe, and know God has kept you this far so He will keep you still. “Lord Jesus, I pray for my dear friend Sandra right now, you know every single detail of this whole thing…of her whole path. Lord, I pray you will fling the doors open and allow her to move in this weekend. Father, please keep any complications away and offer her a smooth path that is free of fear and discouragement. Lord, this may not be your will; your will may be that she waits or has to provide something or for some reason we may never know…so we choose to trust you with it all. From our human perspective, we see one way; but Lord, you have the all sovereign, all knowing perspective from beginning to end and promise to help us when we can’t see that. Lord, more than anything, I ask you to calm Sandra’s spirit, give her abundant peace, calm, refreshment, a clear mind, a calm heart, a rested soul as she leans on you. Thank you for being with her this moment and all the way through. Lord, we are trusting you and thanking you for your faithful goodness always. In Jesus Name, Amen”. About the other stuff, we can talk about it some other time…yes, it’s one thing to cognitively release; but it’s another to release and be healed from the wounding. When it keeps coming back, it’s still alive and God will direct you as you can take it on. I will be praying. Colleen

          • I am so glad to see you read my note and as usual the greatest of replies.Thank You Colleen. Lender called me at end of day and told me the error was an item paid before closing,miscalculated in end as not being deducted so it was 20.00 off where needed to be…twenty dollars and that was discrpeancy?the underwriter had all the details however they still needed to go back over all their math for settlement at closing tomorrow .So, we are back on again.LOL. I want to read again your note and digest the beauty of the prayer and all you wrote. Yes, I look very forward to talking more about the healing needed to take place for the release I need to take place, and so much joy in my heart knowing it will be with Christian emphasis,as that just brings me such calm within. Thank you so much. I will keep you psted. The owner playing a little hard ball also today,supposed to remove security system and walk through showed it was still there hard wired to window sensors,and thermastoat. I called my security company and they will not remove as too extensive,and owenr will not pay to have removed. The owner then claimed the security company will come out after closing to take out at my cost of 99.00. Well, my realtor said she will pay for it. She is really so kind, it hurt me that the owner would do that . I in turn have written letter to Seller agaent to provide a letter from owner stating security will be removed entirely including therastat connection and walls be repaired,no holes all at 99.00 cost. I am feeling,that word feeling uncomfortable comes up, feeling that this is not right . I guess I will c if they write letter, i cannot feel comfortable without as it becomes my responsibility after closing and my contracter said it would ahve cost 200.00 if he did it and owenr said would not pay, I will let you know tomorrow, for now i will reread your note, eat dinner and allow the Lord to calm me and bring me a restful nite and somehow I believe tomorrow will open up and Seller will provide the necessary final detail without any further resistence. I am very happy to be Home ,I seem to have made new Christian friends. My Lender asked if I would like to pray with her in morning as it will be a big day.She is very kind hearted gal and felt terible about the mix up today for me.She has taken personal interest the processer told me in helping me get this loan. I know that too. And my tax acct. will help me move some boxes and Christian.We really hit it off nicely. And I took one of my brothers advice and went to local fire dept and asked for help moving furntiture that is too heavy and have two helping me on Sat too. I will make a spaghetti dinner and offer what i can afford to say thank you. My brother was volunteer firefighter 30 years and won valor award by his state he lives in, and was high rank, leiutenant and second assistant chief so it felt right and true to ask locally and now i feel i have connection there too. I can always offer volunteer to send out mailings? or something.
            I am feeling very Blessed. and Colleen I can feel the energy from your prayer, it is very powerful and calming energy that comes over me. I know this because it occurs each time you have prayed for me. Thank you.
            I will let you know how tomorrow goes, Goodnite Colleen and I see you posted a number, I would love to say hi sometime if that is a number you intentioanlly placed at end of post. Many Blessings for you there.
            Sandra PS Some one ahead of me in line bought me coffee the other day,and today I treated myself to coffee and I paid the 4.47 for the woman behind me that had some type of special drink with whip cream on top. I know how it feels and I wanted her to feel that Love in world.
            Goodnite now.Love Sandra

          • Hello Colleen, I am going to pick up uhaul truck by 10 when open. I have so much to share.yesterday the dilemma with receiving final number to have check made at closing still “waiting”, i waited for hours. closing supposed to be at 2pm. at 1:15 pm i was told to tell all to go to closing bu tme,and me to sit tight it would only be maybe 20 minutes after 2 that i would get number and be able to go to bank and then closing.well. I waiting outside bank for call from Lender from 130-4pm. I arrived at closing and of course all seller agent could do is treat me like i was such a horible person,and so beneath her. I just remained in my own self confident that i was buying the hosue and i will sign all papers and seller alereay had signed. I have more to say, did not sleep there latst nite, probably tonite once all moved in …for certain tomorrow nite when have time to unpack some for my bedding need be washed etc.
            I will talk soon to update.
            Thank you for all of your support.

          • Hello Colleen, thankyou for your interest. Sat am again was another long wait. rental truck was not availbale as reserved. Another woman before me the same thing, she was going to take the larger truck on lot, although it worked out she took smaller truck to make a few trips with and let me have the larger truck bigger than what i reserved. I was honored same price of one I reserved and given dolley and blankets at no add’.l charge for my inconvenience. I waited from 9:45 am when they were to open and pick up, until probably 12ish? they took care of other woman after chasing down what happened and got her in computer and then computer did not take all inofmration so had to be redone, in meantime I had firedept two young men and captain coming to help me at 1pm…let them know delay and gal that does my taxes I am so grateful for all these contacts/new friends that came to help, she was texting me waiting for me as she was supposed to help before fired dept arrived so we were to get all boxes in truck and fire dept to take only furntiure .well fire dept arrived at storage and jumped right in, then drove to house and they stayed entire time getting boxes and furniture out. My Reiki Master showed up and helped some too. They all would not take any money. The fire dept crew are so genuine and I said i would make dinner for first Tues in May they have free dinner for all fire dept, about 15 peope.. I will make dinner spaghetti and sausage red gravy. I am so please Colleenn, Today after coming bacck to return truck this side of town i slept again in office so I can get all my things from here and then drive to lowes to pick up door knobs and fire dept crew coming back out today to put in new door locks and even bring laadeer to go up and place bulbs in motion detecter not working….I am so pleased. I am oveerwhelmed with joy at moment. I will sleep there tonite, on cot at first as need get beedding being cleaned pick up tomorrow. Now i have washer there and can do sheets and some other things at house.
            I will keep you posted. Overall the move is Amazing Grace of God, not many hours, 12:30-1pm until maybe just before 4 or at 4pm.
            I honestly do not have alot. I am just so glad to have it all out of storgage and now unpack all boxes.
            Thank you for being there, I will check in and uupdate how next day goes.
            Love Sandra

          • Sandra,
            Thrilled to know you are in your own place….hopefully by today. Do let me know how the ‘setting up’ time is coming along. Colleen
            Colleen Swindoll-Thompson
            Special Needs Ministry Director
            Insight for Living
            (972) 473-5016

          • Collen I figured out how to get email on phone.I have very limited plan.just wanted to let u know I still exist.thinking of u and workbook..I will write sopn.I need home onternet still. I look forward to catching up with u. I am getting settled gradually.making fire dept donner to say thank you for moving me tuez nite. I am so Blessed to have this shelter and property so tranquil. Love Sandra Happy Mothers zday.I know u r one of the zgreatest gifts of a mother that God sp intended .talk soon.alot of projects..maybe more work needed on house than intended but over time.I am going to pray fire dept fellowd who hsve e perience with habitat housing construction can give me not want tp take advantage.I do believe they hsve been happy to help me .lovesandra

          • Sandra,
            It’s so wonderful to hear from you! Moving is so stressful and yes, it takes time to get everything hooked up and started. I bet the dinner you cooked was delicious…it sounds like that is something you thoroughly enjoy doing…giving to others. And how they must have appreciated it! So thrilled you have crossed this milestone finally and you have a place to call home. I am just so over the moon thrilled! Thanks for touching base. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen,Happy Mothers Day again. I have so much good to share.I am checking in at library again, seem to be overwhelmed with unpacking ,little projects to create my home space, like lots of unexpected cleaning,….I intend to work toward home internet service soon. I wanted to say all is good, not sleeping too well for feeling alone at those early nite into morning hours,new sounds,etc, lots of animals,very large bird like owl or turkey,dog howl,cats it is all good, just adjusting. And will be splasing some white color in rooms to brighten for now. I have to tell you that for Mothers Day I said to myself I forgive my mother for neglecting me and I forgive her for saying terrible things like I will hit you over head to make bad blood come out,or put you in potatote sack for garbage man to pick up up when I was small girl and she seemed angry with me like punishing me for something I suppose. Well, I forgive her for she did not know any better.she believes hse was doing right in her scolding at these times. Well,I went to Christian book store I absolutely love and find energy and people so welcomeing and accepting and they too followed me through my home search. The employee did not know my relationship with my mom and I just asked if there was a very small book I can forward with card for mothers day. And she just pointed out the most beautiful little book ,,,,,I will have to get name. It is for Mom because I love you,and all through it does not say who she ws to me, but in general who a Mom is ,how she Lvoes and nurtures,etc. There are a few quotes in it ,overall just talks abuo tbeing a mom,a very loving mom.Well, my Mom called me as she usually does not until recently she said she has cell phone now with minutes no extra cost to call….so she called and told me how much she really liked the book,she read when she was up through the nite and she simply sounded so fultilled. I simply said I am so glad and that it was comforting was nt it. and she said yes she really liked it ,she was really fulfilled.That was my intention for her to feel the loving embrace of who a mom is, as she may not have had the role model to feel the nurturing she so much needed over time, so I gave it to her in this book to feel the embrace.and she did. I will write again soon. Thank you so much for being there and I so much look forward to the workbook,facebook group you invited me to,etc. Thank you for being over the moon thrilled for me. That brings me great joy to feel such encouragement from you, a wonderful human being, a terrific woman, teacher of ministry and life with Jesus and in general how dynamics of life entertwine with us, and my friend.
            Love Sandra

          • Dear Precious Sandra,
            My eyes filled with tears as I read the words your mother said to you. I am sure there are many years of those moments etched in your memory…for that, I am terribly sad and so very sorry. How we all long for our mom’s to offer things that nurture us rather than damage us; but that is why Christ is so incredible in our lives. It is only through Him that we have the strength to forgive as you did. Sandra, I don’t know if you realize how magnificent, how thoroughly life-giving such an act of forgiveness is in your own life. Forgiveness frees us to be all God created us to be; how often we forget that when our hearts are deeply wounded. I heard a talk not long ago from a woman who had everything in life that money could buy but she was miserable. She went on to say she realized much of her misery was connected to an unforgiving heart. So she listed those who came to mind, then went through each name prayerfully and offered forgiveness. She then said she has learned not only to forgive but to then say I wish you well and I love you. She never actually spoke to many of the people for various reasons; but she opened her heart and let go…and does this every day. The love she was/is able to send is the love God has for us…not based on anything other than His grace and unconditional love for us. It doesn’t mean that others will cease from hurting us or that life won’t knock us around at times; but it does mean we have honored the Lord’s command to love others as He loves us. In so doing, there is a peace that does surpass all understanding. I am simply amazed at the strength and internal fortitude God has supplied to you and continues to give you. Sandra, you are a living example of what it means to be surrendered to your Heavenly Father. You are living with open hands and an open heart; willing and ready to follow His plan and path without reservation. That is INCREDIBLE! Since you may not hear that much, I want you to hear it and take it in…allow the truth to sink in and warm you when it’s tough or you can’t rest. God has brought you this far and will continue to walk with you. I am so honored that you have allowed me into your life and are sharing your experiences and growth with me. I am so very blessed to know you. Give yourself time to move in…unpacking takes FOREVER. I’ve moved many, many times and it’s never easy but it’s always satisfying when it’s done. You will make it. What a treasure you are! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I have internet set up .Today is first day I am on computer at home. I am so Blessed to have you in my life, truly. I thought as soon as I have computer I will check for your note. It is like opening a gift of love and kindness every time I read one, each and every note. Thank you for your heartfelt kindness of and for me Colleen. It is you that I feel is so very very Precious of a woman to console as many that you reach out to and open our Heart and Soul to the very Lord and Almighty God, our Father Presence. From one moment to the next I have had some amazing graces similar to what I did for my mother. My father had a birthday this month. over the years I had forgiven him for when he aged more frail with alot of illness believe it or not it helped with an easier relationship . His behavior was frighening and much of his boundaries were not daughter to father appropriate, seeing me as physical and saying things inappropriate to me as his daughter all years of my life that seems strange to mention now as I had forgiven him and let all that go with the change in our relationship today. that all discontinued when he began with illness. I did call him on his Birthday to find he was monumental 80 this year, wow, and immediately thought I had not heard of a party given although my family does not invite me for a truth i came forth with over the years and that was denied and I became evil wrongdoer and bad person instead of the perpetrater in family ,so much family hides me and speaks dishonestly of who I am. anyway there may have been party that i was not aware? However, I did feel strongly in my heart that it was what I wanted to bring something really special and it felt right and true to call him back and offer to buy him lunch where he chose and something he and my mom will eat together and he did make a suggestion and was tickled with idea. Well I arranged it from local restaurant that would deliver and honestly for such a small amount of cost it was sensational I heard later from my dad. One of my brothers texted and also said that was really nice what i did. My Dad called and said he and my mom just sat there and could not get over how presented. gal at restrauant knew them and they order out more often and gathered a platter with two slices ny style cheese cake and my Dad said the Ny style cheese cake just topped it off. It was Jesus in my Heart and I followed and it was Shining through the gesture upon my parents then. There were honestly a few hours I felt wow my Truth glowed there for a while , that I will continue to rise even if I am always trying to be destroyed by my family in hurtful more emotional way. I will still stand back up like Jesus , even if I do not recognize that when feeling so hurt and angry. a good example is the anger and vicisous denial is from an older sister. I sent her a beautiful Christmas card forgiving her two years ago. She thanked me and stated by email that was a beuatiful card and it was a Christ card with of Love I think Phillipians verse. Her denial is so thick that we will never be close. her anger so strong for my Truth. well, her children have all not invited me to their weddings and she is sole cause of speaking venom into others who find more importnat to follow and stick with what is up there in this dynamic,a false idea of who I am sadly….anyways her youngest daughter and my God CHild is getting married. I believe it is this fall,end of summer? I have had heartache in thought and thought I would just drive 10 hours and show up at church and then anger has set in again that she really is not sweet neice I always believed with how she is in social services but with my family will sit around and mock and laugh at how someone from her mental institution talks and yet invite them to a barbecue at home. They laugh at those of greater need. It saddened me and I then said I hope not invited now. My mind has been challenged too much by my forgiveness and simply more hurt and realization for actions of others that are myu family that are so not of Christ Love. So, I know I am the one who need stay with Christ and no matter what follow Him. I know you understand all this and I apologize for such long note Colleen. I wanted to share as there is so much good happening, you are correct in that often we need pray and forgive others and keep practicing this for othewise we are in misery. and often it cannot be face to face with other who cannot see this Light and Love. or at least not yet. I have been told they will never change. never always seemed to me to not be of the Lord. I will always believe as the moment with my Mom and the moment with my Dad Bday, there will be the most amazing glimpses of hope and peace, and Love magnified by His Goodness Shining through and Being Acknowledged by Same presence seen. Wow that was alot to say, I have been keeping all this for a week wanting to share ,glad computer back in action here. I will update with house anothe post. I need feel patience as rooms dark with seller paint choses, boxes disarray living room furntiure other than armoire for tv…..I rejoice with your note and your thoughts of keeping all in perspective. I rejoice in the Lord who will keep me provided and with this Huge Blessing of a home that will take some time but will be more comfortable in its time. One thing I need mention is one repair cited on inspection report was not repaired…I needed have inspector reinspect last week as i found living here it was bigger than just not being repaired,it was loose toilet.seller stated it was repaired by liscensed plumber however it was found to be loose and looking further tile cracking indicative by contracter looking and reinspection that sub flooring weak and moisture beneath tile, a project I was not prepared to have. So this week bringing back with report and finding to closing attorney to approach seller,as not in compliance. I will need keep you posted. That had upset me and still not sleeping well at nite feeling a bit overwhelemed with issues presented and honestly feeling lonely in early hours looking forward to sharing my life with someone of Divine God order ,to hold me and say it will be okay….I know at deepest level that I have Our Lord to lean on and need connect to remind myself of this when feeling such anxiety at these hours and mind not turning off with loneliness of hour. Roof leaked in recent rain storm where owner said fixed old leak…same spot turned out . I am grateful inspector came out again no charge and offered to fix tomorrow for me, he said simple sealing will have no leak ever again. I am glad had not repainted ceiling yet. So you see I have a very full plate here. Wow, I know this all is so huge. I am growing. I feel awkwardness and then greatness and then some more discomfort and I know and believe wholeheardedly that God has a Divine Plan in all this and I will continue to be ever so Faithful for I know by experience He has provided and in most amazing ways. And keep reading the Bible and what you suggested during challenges and recall upon the stories of those in Bible to reflect and find the hope to carry me further. I opened Bible other day and it seems the lesson the Lord has taken me to is something big I need work on and can help continue forgiveness is DoN’t Fight! back.! Intersting how I just opened to this page in Matthew. That is the Lord working with me. as a Friend told me I need stop fighting all these people,as it is not helping me to hate world for all dishonest and actions that are hurtful with neice, inspector not pikcing up issue ,seller hiding issue. So this is vital to grasp right in now for me,and Lord most Good and Soveriegn knows exactly how and where to direct me to read.
            I will look inot more with computer and soon facebook and workbook very soon in between project here and settling,and look forward to lighter update. lighter in will not be a book for you to read. Many Blessings for you Colleen in all you are and do for God and others. I am so very grateful and happy I have you there. Love Sandra

          • Sandra,
            WOW….it’s great to get caught up. You are so very kind, thank you for your sweet words. The birthday deal sounds incredible! Seriously, your incredible kindness, forgiveness, love, humility and honor is profound; it says so much about your character and who you are. I can’t imagine how God is working in their lives; in spite of the challenges and negativity, you are staying positive, connected, diligent to do what is best or what the Lord calls you to do, letting go of what you can’t control (which is anyone but you), and embracing the reality that life is very broken but we can still do a lot of good in this world. You continue to shine like a radiant star; what joy that must be to our Lord and in your own heart. How did the dinner turn out for the people who helped you move in? I bet it was fantastic…and I bet no one has ever done that before which is a testimony to what is in your soul. As far as moving in and going to sleep and all that goes, it may be difficult for a while. It’s crazy because you think the things you struggled with before would settle….and many probably have. But when the sun is setting, there are many of us who struggle with that time of day. I’ve learned to have some things I do…whether it’s music, a walk outside, sitting on my patio, watering my flowers, reading in a special spot, lighting a candle, or some small grace to my soul usually helps calm those evening anxieties. I’m sorry you are having them; it may take a while but I’ve learned playing quiet music is a wonderful way to calm my soul. Especially if it’s hymns or piano and violin…something calming and reflective on Christ. Take time to unpack…or I should say, give yourself permission to unpack…some days you will get more done than others. When you are tired, rest. When needing a break, take one. Those are all great and gentle ways to care for you. Very healing. Regarding the family splits and distances…we all have family stuff and some have much more of it than others. From what you have said, you have a ton of history that has been painful. But I am seeing you lift your head, walk tall, think positively, and choosing to move forward. You can’t do the work for anyone else…just you and for us all, that is enough. When we let go of the illusion that we can control something or someone, there is incredible space for air and new hope. It seems that is what you are doing and such an amazing characteristic from one who has endured much like you have. Thanks for the update. I’m so proud for you and hope the leaks and little things that need help are taken care of. Just look at where you are today verses one year ago. How amazing is that!!! Blessings to you, dear one. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I had trouble getting connected with disqus typepad to reply this afternoon into evening. I am awake at 130 , 2am time right now. yes I believe you are right it will take some time to adjust. there is a mighty racoon out side often i here and find footprints on deck in am….i am awake tonite for i was getting on my path of focus again when i did find out as my father exclaimed by telephone that he was surprised when walked into the room, and I needed him to clarifiy what he was speaking of….my youngest brother did organize and initiate a surprise bday party at a restaurant saturday for his bday, i simply told my dad i did not know and that the most important thing was that there was a special party and he was surprised, sometimes it feels as though there is alot of stabbing with knife and twisting in my gut when have these situations with my family,and often even after twist feeling there is salt to throw into wound further…just an analogy of who it feels to not be truly acknowledged and yet awkward and somewhat offended but gracious to say that is great and good for you were acknowledged on your bday in a very special way and enjoyed surprise….he said there were so many people there, again no regard to how i felt to listen. that is just how it is. I am so glad to have read your note and I will develop a way to listen to music for easy listening of music esp the hymns of what you descirbe as soothing to soul. There is a new song on WMHK i absolutely adore,,,Halleluyah, i need find exact name and who sings it. I can listen over and over again and feel such rejoice in my heart. good cd to look at for these hours of needing some comfort. I wanted to let you know that the dinner I cooked for firehouse first tues of month dinner this month was huge applaud. There were nine of us including myself that sat down to eat, i made a pasture raised cattle beef sausage in red what i call gravy ,many call sauce that was let cook in crock pot with all herbs and onion garlic,etc for all day before took two crock pots full to firehouse that evening. I took pasta taht was made there and served. the men kept going back for seconds and thirds and kept saying where did i get the sausage, and how good it was. I was acknowledged that very good also by the individual volunteer who usually makes the dinners for I felt very good I could do this for the fellows that moved me inclduing the captain and others who i had met for the first time that had not been with me for move. I wanted to do another meal for them but have felt consumed with the adjustment and some of the projects here. I hope to bring the reinspect letter along with a contracter report of what noted and cost to the seller realty company, to the broker in charge first to alert of issue and see if he will take care of this with his agent that was seller agent and have what i am told by closing attroney be seller liability….i will keep you posted,that is issue with flooring where toilet loose and not repaired as noted during sale. Thank you for all of your supportive thoughts Colleen, I so much enjoyed your note this afternoon and so much was looking to reply. it has let me do so now,there must have been a disconnect earlier with system. Thank you for your kindness and good thoughts for my heart and soul! I will mention I had to pick up some paint today and drifted into a home section of store and there happened to be a Christian section and I look up and a decorative sign I so much would like to purchase although waiting to see if coupon off the 19.99 price listed………it was Exodus 14:14, Let the Lord Fight for you and Be still. I had just mentioned to you that this has been the Lord speaking this to me, by directing me to scripture of Matthew and now Exodus same message just sitting before me in a beauitful wall decorative sign….I abosrbed this Glory of God right with me and working through this in my heart and soul to make all rigtht His work for me. I will write again tomorrow .I am going to try to rest now. I still hear raccon out there, and alot of settling sounds of house. All will take time and yes I am so very Blessed that I have this shelter and I can feel the growth and know I am in a more Christian place than a year ago and/or ever. It delights me the closeness I feel in the now and I will continue to find the peace and rest in Lord embrace. I will write tomorrow.With Gratitude and Love, Sandra

          • Sandra,
            Oh those middle of the night computer endeavors…I’ve had many myself since it’s hard for me to sleep as well. There have been times when I just put on earphones and played music so quietly, it soothed my soul. I don’t know where you live but there are several places we visit with used CD’s and movies, etc. They have some hymn CD’s for $1-2 dollars sometimes…maybe you could find a spot like that. The wonderful message you received with the verse on it speaks volumes to the faithfulness of God. Usually, when there are repeated incidents of truths being brought to my attention, the Lord is trying to tell me something. So it sounds like He’s speaking to you about allowing Him to go before you. I have wrestled with this often, Sandra. It doesn’t mean he will go before us and we will not face injury or pain; it does mean He is with us in it and will go before us on that final judgment day and make all things right. Justice will have the final word and often, we want that to happen now instead of waiting. But waiting forces us to rest and listen for His direction. It is a refining process for sure. Thrilled the team loved the meal! Just reading it made my mouth water so I bet they LOVED it! When it comes to the family stuff, it’s very colored by filters…our experiences, memories, pain, relational losses, so on. I hear his statement and think maybe he was surprised by your presence because there has been distance or he was surprised that you all would put such a great thing together. But when we have been deeply wounded by another, their words can be ‘heard’ in such a different and confusing tone. So perhaps he was trying to say he was glad to see you; however, I was not there and don’t know the history as you do. Yes, there are very broken parents who cause their kids to feel stabbed at times…it’s terribly sad! And by their refusal to change, that stabbing can continue if it is allowed. You have a choice in the matter here. You don’t have to allow those stabbing experiences to happen. Think of three other ways you can relate but not get wounded. It may mean you use the phone or communicate via email, perhaps you schedule time to be very short and plan something simple, you can go for a walk if the air gets thick at a family gathering, leave is always an option too. That’s the great thing about growing up….recognizing you have choices and then making them in a way that protects your heart from injury but also honors the other person. It’s a developed skill as it means you need to listen to your ‘gut’…when negative feelings surface, take them to the Lord and then choose the next best option. We can go into this more later. For now, you are on a good path and I’m excited for you! If you can’t sleep, prayer is always a great option too. I’ve learned sometimes being awake means I need to pray for someone or something…God will always let you know. Great to connect. You are doing fabulous! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I just wrote you a good update and more.the note seems to have disappeared, disqus knocked me out of connection when needed to verify email address…I will write you shortly .i had it all in one note. I will be back to write shortly.Love Sandra

          • Sandra, Oh my gosh…that has happened to me many times and it’s maddening. Sometimes I write on a document and then copy and paste. However, I’m sorry and will look forward to connecting when you write again. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I said okay I am going to try this again, lol. I do same thing, I had just begun to make attempt to highlight and that is when it just paused and signaled me to verify email address. with that it just If you do receive two notes, they will differ slightly,as the last update was full. I had mentioned so many things, first that the CD yes is really good idea , thrift store, used cd location i will seek and know here I will find this. I did search name of song I had mentioned that i ever so feel soothed by, it is “Multiplied” by Bear Rhinhart, Roomto Breathe band. It is delightful to me to hear his voice and this particular song just mere delight for me. I like Amazing Grace the same really. And will look for either hymn, or instrumental like you mentioned too,soft violin,piano,even rain and water sounds are relaxing to me.I am so glad how well you relate, really to all, with an absolute understanding of the Lord work…..with how amazing it is He speaks with us! That brings a Huge Smile to my heart and soul, I just adore Him and how He speaks so clearly when we can hear and listen to His guidance and want so much to follow and please Him. This is greatest feeling for me that I cherish when exactly connected feeling so close. I think I do need to give myself room to grasp that what you mention to me to be thoughtful of, that the Lord is with us and that does not mean His being beside us is going to be a walk without pain and hurt, it is He is with us that I know at deep level yet feel there is something there that will balance more for me, or further mesh into my very presence, in greater acceptance. I do feel so much closer and find I rely on that connection more for I feel the greatest knowing I am with Him and He in my full presence. I wanted to say I was sorry that I may have sounded confusing with speaking to my Dad on telephone. I live 10-12 hours drive south of my family, I do not speak with them often, my father and brother are two most contact with and brother seems to have more emotional need so we speak more recently. I was on telephone with my Dad when he began to tell me of surprise bday party, these little unknown conversations come up and he laughs a little game laugh that he is telling me how great it was and so many people there, I had no idea and the part that i find more hurtful is i had asked my brother the day of his birthday if any body had set a surprise party,but he never mentioned to me,and my Dad never says ,i wish you were here, he and my mom particularly like to share details of events taht i have not been invited and never have any sensitivity to how i feel either not being invited or simply not acknowledged in how i feel about listening? I am not sure if I make this clear, it is honestly more complex as there is alot of history and information in this . My brother then emails me a photo of my niece/godchild who is getting married, he emails a pic of her graduating college after i had spoken to him about not being invited. when i recieved that yesterday I felt like does he not get how it feels either? like salt being added to an already open wound of hurt from being excluded even by invitation. These situations I am either more sensitive to with my growth as my x husband told me long ago that i need let my family go, that I am only one hurt ,that my family truly does not care about me or have any care of how i feel and Psychologist has told me same, she is surprised i keep the line of communication still with my family,and taht she has told me i need not play into their game, if my brother tells me he no longer is my brother because I express my needing him to speak more appropriate to me and not dominating me if i do not pick up call right away, he did this last fall. yet i do not say forget you, i wrote him a bday card in late fall to say I am his sister and remind him of Love between brother and sister, he softened and we have spoken again. Recently i have lessened that contact slightly for he still has an all about him way in that he is not able to see how I am feeling and non accepting of anything but perspective or thought process that i will be taking all I am given attitude.These little unexpected pulses seem to be surfacing this month, so even if i telephone or text, i am not clear of being stabbed or uncomfortable and there is nothing i can say for understanding, so i get stuck with feeling inside of disbelief and often pain. I have limited the time i spend with my family. If i do go visit, it is short and i always have my own vehcile and absolutely find park to walk and stay out of house for there is alot of anger there and back stabbing ,i often walk into room where i am being spoken of negatively for maybe how i eat more leafy veggies? anyways, i am not sure this helps the distance of relationship and how there are very uncomfortable instances that i hold breathe sometimes for know they are unexpected. I listen and often will change subject or keep saying great,and then leave conversation feeling now that really was not what i intended for my wellbeing. I agree with you that the message of the Lord is clear with Exodus 14:14, and my gut feeling is this growth is all tied together with my family situation ,my letting go and this verse of to be still, Perhaps the workbook you recommended will also be a part of my growth related to this subject..I truly believe that I am not going to let go completely of my family, it does nto feel like this…I do believe that the Lord will guide me and I continue to pray on this and pray for my family,often specific individuals who create the behaviors that are toward me and that others are too fearful of backing me up versus following the politics although wrongdoing. I am Faithful that the Truth is never hidden and all will be God will, I will follow with full Heart where He leads me. I am really fading tonite,think lack of sleep catching up and second time with note here, i may have missed or changed a few things second time writing. I am most grateful for your understanding,acceptance, and how well you relate and offer a most genuine Christian approach to helping me through all I have going on here.I will also keep you posted on house leak repair ,painting,bathroom floor issue ,all more detail of these next week with Memorial Day,many leaving town next day or thurs. so need address issues tuesday. Thank you Colleen for all your supportive ,most comforting thoughts and guidance. Have a good restful nite. I look forward to my new used cd collection, and good nites rest balanced soon. It has been over one month now I have not slept well at nite. I look fowrad to getting back to sleep .I think when in apartment it was third floor and felt more safe ,not as many noises at ground level like mighty I am grateful to have shelter. Goodnite now, Love Sandra

          • Sandra,
            I noticed you have written since this note so I’ll read those and not leave a long note here. Regarding family stuff, there may be some ways you can interact without getting wounded in the process. I will think on this and talk with you as we continue to connect. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you. Colleen

          • Hi again, thought when i say lived in apartment, it was after divorce,we sold our home here and xhusband moved to another state and i remained in apartment 3 1/2 yrs. that is where was on third floor for safety and alarm there too…and that is where i had given vacate notice when beleiving contract of sale last summer into fall was going to be home….then from there you know that is when had been bounced around a tad for living space and office lived in until here. i thought too i need go back and look at our notes over this time and view what essential oil combinations are good for nite. i know lavender good although can be strong for me, i would need something that would be for me like placing my nose in a huge magnolia flower and inhaling that delightful scent that for me soothes my every part of my heart and soul.Goodnite now Love, Sandra

          • Sandra,
            This is amazing. I was just looking at some oils for our needs and this page came up…looks like they blogged about rest and what oils to use. Here’s the link: There are many pages that discuss Essential oils but I thought this would be of great help. The “stress relief”, “trauma”, “humility”, “hope”, “joy”, and “Peace and calming” are several I have used that are wonderfully restful. If I come across other sites, I’ll pass them along. Happy resting! = )

          • Hello Colleen, That is wonderful sounding categories that you have mentioned in essential oils that you have used and that they too were wonderfully restful! how great does that sound. wow. I will look at this wondeful link . I know I wrote so much last nite and I certainly have so much to work through. Thank you for being there. I know I have so much good happening and still so much broken to work on. I feel so Blessed to be on a path of Christianity and beyond Blessed to walk with you Colleen in the way to approach these changes and be so much closer to our Lord. That simply thrills me with joy ,a joy that i feel building me up .I will say I believe for your listening and support and tremendous encouragement and Christian Spirit and guidance that I was able to sleep last nite. yes, i awoke a few times but there was no racoon and no noises my ears were heightened to hear and i fell back off to sleep without mind racing. I had began walking again since moving, more consistent and doing 4 miles instead of 3, and I believe with walking and no sleep that last nite I just slept as needed so much rest. I sure will pray for same this nite and continue with ideas to help if i do awaken. I have prayed through so many nites, more in despair of not being able to fall asleep and praying so intently on calming mind and doing everything i know to bring me to my heart center, many long nites repeating breathing techniques, spiritual technique along with my prayer. Today I did stop in the Pickers store,it is a giant thrift type store on side of roadway not far from where i live now. I came across cd’s in back of store. Yep! I thought immediately how about that, and better yet, there were several of Christian and gospel and relaxing type for calming and peace. I picked up four and two cases pretty split and simply asked at register if owner would take 4 for 1.00. at first he said ahhhhh..and then he agreed a few cases broken and not knowing condition of cd,if scratch or anything wrong,so he said yes. I even found one I really remember enjoying a year or so back during holiday time….Enya, and the others one was Purpose Driven Life cd of Christian singers that have message of purpose in the songs selected on cd, two others were Body and Mind relaxing and tranquility soundscapes. I have in car right now with intention to listen to while in car tomorrow and see which can feel so peaceful with that good for those nite long hours when rest is essential and in need of such soothing sounds. I will need to get some small unit to play the cds at bedside? or a small hand player with headphones you speak of. In meantime, i will also look forward to some of these wonderful soothing scents. during a walk today I again placed my nose into a huge magnolia flower in bloom and breathed in such a long moment and long breathe of its magnificence. So esential oils will be good,even if i can use as diffuser in air will be very good . I will let you know how all is doing here. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with me. Good nite and Good Rest for you as well… Love Sandra

          • Sandra,
            What an incredible note! I about fell out of my chair when I read about getting the CD’s…first because Enya is one of my favorites; often I write when her songs are played. Also, that you got them for such a great price. And yes, the calming sounds will be so wonderful for you. I’m thrilled to know you are also walking…that is healing as nature is healing. It’s called God’s natural revelation…nature displays the handiwork and magnificent wonder of our heavenly Father. Few things speak to an open soul like nature and quietness. God is at work in you, Sandra…it is obvious that you are on a healing path and taking every moment possible to grow and heal. What a testimony that is to your character. Thank you for continuing to connect. It is a joy to my heart to be part of God’s work in your life. HE is so good. Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, yes I agree this blog of essential oils is amazing! Thank you so much for sharing this website and oils to use for good nites rest. I have wide grin ear to ear and can literally smell the stress relief by reading the ingredients and almost feel the enjoyment by scent in mind of each and every oil listed and combined to make stress relief. how terific. I will go ahead with this, i believe roll on is first choice for me here. Thank you again,Good nite Good Rest,Love Sandra

          • Sandra,
            If you need any direction or help with the oils, let me know. I have been using them for several years now and have some mixes that may be helpful. I’m thrilled you looked into them; I have them in my diffuser in my office always and find the scents very calming. Enjoy! Colleen

          • Hello Colleen, I would love more direction with the oils, as you have been using for so long and maybe I can more directly find mix that most suitable as you know me and needs here, I am happy you can assist with this .I love you have diffuser, maybe if you are okay with the name of one you chose as so many out there,and if your diffuser has been good, I can look at that too online. Thank you, I did just loose another note to you, it did not let me copy,it sort of freezes and says typepad not available , i keep waiting for it to unfreeze and finally lost entire note. I was so tickled that you also enjoy Enya ! I would be more than happy to offer you a copy if given name of cd and you do not have, and/or at pickers store there were many other cds of instrumental, i can always let you know names too and offer copy and/or cd itself mail to you at Insight for Living if you able to accept this. I am more than happy if can . I will go back to this store. Also the Purpose Driven songs did not vibrate with me, so I will bring that back for a donation and maybe someone else will pick up. I am up much later than usual. last nite i did awake at 130am, and thought for a few minutes i would be up all nite, somehow without remembering what i did or said to self, it was not long enough to do anything, i was off to sleep rest of nite. All i recall is i awoke and heightened state believed it was going to be all nite as mind was too alert. I know wrote more in previous post.I know i mentioned i listned to your parents cd with your mom testimonial today for probably 4th time over months previous. each time I pick up a different piece and today i even realized it is called “family matters”, seemed like another message. The first time i had listened I know i had mentioned that I had chills from your Mom testimonial. Today there were some new levels that I captured that your Dad spoke of that gave me even more insight as to think about how to approach all issues with my family even if without face to face with them, but within myself. God is Good! and I am so grateful for your joy in being part of my healing , and acknowledging my character and growth feels supportive and joyous for me too. Thank you for your note and I will look forward to connecting again tomorrow .Love Sandra

          • Sandra,
            I did receive several notes from Disqus-the communication organization we use for our posts here-that there were several challenges with it yesterday so you are not the only one who encounters these challenges. I think what the Lord wants for us to see and read gets through so that’s comforting. For the oils, go to Young Living Essential Oils Web site… and see what they have. Some are quite expensive so I try to stick with the items I can afford. I can help you join if you want to or help you with ordering since I am technically a distributer but I don’t talk about it for that reason. I tell others them because of all the healing they have provided for me and my family. I’m thrilled you are finding the messages to be of help. There is so much work you can do without having to speak with those who have wounded you. Having wise guidance is crucial, journaling, and all the things you are already doing provide incredible healing. Insight for Living has an app you can download and listen to many messages. Go to and from there you can navigate the site. The topical sections are fantastic and help filter all the resources to what you may be specifically looking for. But anyway, I am so happy for you and your progress. Keep listening, keep forgiving, keep smelling the flowers along the path God lays out for you. That is where we find our soul’s voice and hope. In Him, Colleen

          • my note vanished again.yike. i will try again soon Colleen, if you did recieve another note let me know. It freezes between paragraphs where I thought God must want me to be slient for right now or the bigger lesson of Patience is very much still present.Enjoy your weekend with your family.Love Sandra I will reply what i had written on another page.

          • Sandra,
            Isn’t that so frustrating!!! I’m so sorry your note vanished. However, your response was fantastic…who knows but that God wanted you all to Himself and any distraction was taking time away from Him. I hope you enjoyed your holiday and will look forward to hearing from you soon (unless The Lord should chose otherwise…heheheh! ) Have a wonderful evening! Colleen